All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S04E05.720p.WEB.h264-KOGi - No HI

Huh?

Guillermo?

Guillermo!

- Boo!
- The child

who clawed his way out
of the abdomen

of our dead friend
Colin Robinson

has reached that wild age.

That's mine. You'll take it off

- this second.
- Catch me, catch me!

- He's a very active lad.
- - It feels like weeks

since I had
had a good day's slumber.

Fucking little guy.

This ruckus never seems to end.

He's very loud, and unlike us,

he does not sleep
during the day.

Nor does he sleep
during the night.

- When does he sleep?
- I don't think he does. -

Never a dull moment
with that scalawag.

- I'm pretty sure he must be part demon.
- Nonsense.

He's all boy.

♪ A-well a-everybody's heard
about the bird ♪

♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word... ♪

We tried to distract him by buying him toys.

But he just breaks the toy
and plays with the box.

Which he then sets on fire.

Ah, well, at least

he's not showing signs
of being a bore

or an energy vampire.

He has a very curious

- and inquisitive mind.
- Colin, no!

Gizmo, shut the fuck up!

We're doing a piece to camera.
As I was saying,

he has a very inquisitive
and curious mind.

That is just a very nice,
bullshitty way of saying that

- if we leave him unsupervised for even one moment...
- Colin, no! No!

...he runs down
to the bloody flooded basement

and wreaks havoc.

For no good reason at all.

Colin, no!

- - Colin!
- No,

I think there's method
in his madness.

What we're seeing

are the early,
tentative explorations

of maybe a sculptor

- or an architect.
- Or a psychopath.

- He's got a weapon!
- Maybe it's...

He's got a weapon!

Whoa!

I'm gonna get you!

"You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing...

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

But he needs to go to school

so he can burn off
some of this energy

and learn structure and be
around normal kids his own age.

- But he's not a normal kid.
- Mm.

He's a singer, he's a dancer,
he's an entertainer.

He's got the magic.

- You've got to do something!
- What about you?

- Have you been to a school?
- I have.

Actually, I happened
to go to public school

when I was little,
and look at me.

I turned out fine.

Great plan.

Send Baby Colin Robinson
to a school,

and he ends up like you.

I have been thinking.

Perhaps the answer
is to send Baby Colin Robinson

to a performing arts school

where they just pretend
to learn reading and writing

and math, but at least
they're out of the house

for, like,
eight hours of the day.

What's going on here, then?

- Where?
- Have you had a haircut?

Why? Have you had a haircut?

Have you
been watching Star Trek?

Let's not, uh,
focus on looking at me,

okay,
and focus on the big issue,

which is the Baby Colin,
correct?

Okay. What if we send him

to a very selective
private school so he doesn't

have to worry
about rubbing shoulders

with street tramps and dullards?

No. We have plenty
of good public schools here,

- and they're free.
- I thought you were doing the accounting.

Isn't the nightclub swimming
in the trillions?

No, we need that money
to fix the house.

And I wouldn't say "trillions."
No, definitely not.

How much money
have we made this month?

Have to, like,
crunch the numbers.

- Top of my head, I don't...
- Hold on a second. Nandor,

- why don't you rub your genie?
- He is a djinn.

Well, whether he's
a djinn or not, give him a rub,

make a wish and
we can clean this bullshit up.

Well, I cannot do that.

- Why?
- Because I only have

a very limited number of wishes,

- and I cannot be wasting them.
- Selfish.

And anyway, I already asked him.

And he
said that he is legally prohibited

from doing any kind
of house stuff.

Bummer.

Of course I could ask the djinn

to make all of our troubles
with the house disappear.

But it's a very slippery slope.

Are you sure
you haven't had a haircut?

First we fix the house.

Then it's like, "Oh, Nandor,

can you wish for a new rug?"
or some shit.

And before you know it, all
of my wishes will be used up,

and I will have no more wishes
left to make a global impact.

Which is what I plan
on focusing on next:

Philanthropy.

Hey.

You rang?

I did? Oh.

It was an accident.

So, uh, you are satisfied

with the results
of your last wish?

Would you excuse us
for just a moment?

Philanthropy stuff.

So, about my last wish.

I think the removing
of the wrinkles around the eyes

was a success, yes?

I live to serve.

Uh, however, I feel like
the smoothness of the skin

is now drawing some attention

to some bagginess
under the eyes.

- Hmm. Come. Come, let me see?
- See here?

"Meet Me Tonight in Dreamland" playing on piano...

♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪

♪ Under the silvery moon ♪

♪ Meet me tonight in
dreamland. ♪ -

Shit. Not again.

- Hey, guess what? Do you guys have YouTube?
- What?

And have you seen
the new MrBeast video

where he makes the world's
largest elephant's toothpaste?

- No.
- What the fuck are you talking about?

We may look as children,

but we're 143 years old.

Oh, okay. S-Sorry.

It's all right, boy, they don't
know what they're missing.

Come on. Let's get on
with the job in hand.

Now I come to think of it,

I suppose schooling
isn't such a bad idea

as long as he can have
some japes

and tomfoolery
with his young cohorts.

- Oops.
- My love, it will be very good

for him and very good for us.

Yeah, but none
of this public school shit.

- Mm.
- He's gonna be amongst the elites like I was.

Well, I got some brochures here

on some very impressive
private schools

in the area.
Here you go.

- Hmm?
- I'm just gonna put it down here.

Well, you can forget this one.
Doesn't have a cricket field.

- Or even a whipping post.
- Good point.

And what do you
pose as a better solution?

Well, I would say, um...

Uh... this one looks good.

- That's, uh, that's a receipt.
- Oh.

Put me down, you idiot!

Stop struggling, you little rascal.

- Oh, no. - Ugh.
- You hurt my stomach,

- you dummy.
- Good little guy.

- Baby Colin!
- Whoa.

Nice try, asshole.

My back.

Little nephew found his way
over to my house again.

I caught him in the garage,

knocking, uh, holes
in the drywall

- with a ball peen hammer.
- A thousand apologies to you, Sean.

What's this? You sending the
little guy to private school?

Yeah, we're thinking about it.

Oh. Well, you better add

Helen Country Day School
to the list

'cause you're talking
to an HCD grad right here.

Really? Well, there you go.
That's where the boy shall go.

Yeah, I can help you with that.
I happen to be

very tight with the headmaster.

Don't you think
that's a rather hasty decision?

Sean went there,
and look how he's turned out.

- Right.
- Tuck his trousers in and everything.

I've never been more cocksure
of any decision in my life.

Is everybody ready?
The headmaster's gonna be here

in ten minutes!

And remember, you're
just a regular human being

who likes to do
regular human things.

You are not a vampire,

and if... Oh, no.

Ta-da!

Well...

"A" for effort on the whole
looking human aspect, but no.

Go upstairs and
change into whatever your least vampirey

vampire attire is.

- But that is this. - Yes.
- That is this?

- This is that.
- Okay, try this.

Oh, I love pizza so much.

That's pretty good.

We have some water for...

Wait, what happened?
I thought you were gonna change.

I couldn't find
anything else to wear,

- Guillermo. Just leave it.
- Okay, okay.

It's fine. You look great.
Okay, let's do this.

Oh! Here they are.

Now, don't you worry, big man.
You just do exactly

- what we rehearsed, all right?
- Mm-hmm.

Guys, here he is.

The man of the hour,
Headmaster Warren.

- Hi.
- Yeah.

Now, back when I was in school,

he was nothing
but a loser guidance counselor,

but he really helped me

set some more realistic goals
for college.

A four-year program
isn't for everyone.

But you turned out to be
a fine young man, Sean.

- Talking of fine young men, uh...
- Oh!

- And this must be Colin.
- Go on.

Hello, young man.

It's my pleasure
to make your acquaintance, sir.

- And guess what?
- What's that?

I'm a remarkable smart lad
who can sing and dance,

and I never watch YouTube,

- and I never pound holes in the wall using a hammer.
- Ah!

- Okay!
- Off you go, Colin.

I think we've had
enough of that.

- It's your bedtime, I think.
- Please.

- Please, take a seat.
- Oh, out of the mouths of babes.

Oh, so human of
him. - Yes.

So, uh, my apologies

for not being fully up to speed,

but, uh,
who exactly are the parents?

Uh...

- Yeah.
- Uh...

When I click my fingers,

you will enter
a trance like state

where you will hear nothing
or see nothing.

I will then click my fingers
once more,

and you will regain
consciousness,

remembering nothing
of this pause.

We really should
have figured this out before they came.

Who are we gonna say
the parents are?

Let's just say that I'm the
mother and you are the father.

- Good idea.
- That won't work, my darling.

- I've already told him I'm the boy's uncle.
- Shit.

Fine, I will be the father.

- Looking like that?
- Yes.

- Better than nothing.
- Well, look at him.

- Laszlo, get over it!
- Come on.

- Ouch! Nandor.
- Sorry.

Yes, hello.

We are Colin's parents.
I am Nadja.

I carried him to full term.

Yes, and I am Matthew.

Well, I'd love to ask you
a few questions

- about yourselves and Colin.
- Mm.

Yes, and we can answer
those questions

because we are very much
Colin's parents.

Yes.

And I am Matthew.

Okay.

So, uh, let's get into it.

How old is Colin?

- Twelve.
- Forty-two.

- Sixteen.
- One.

- He's nine years old.
- Nine!

- ♪ He's nine. ♪
- Nine.

Okay, great.

Is everybody going to be staying
for this next part, as well?

I mean, usually,

- it's only the...
- I think

he thinks it's weird that
it's not just me and Nandor.

- Matthew.
- I think it's weird

he wants you two alone
in a room.

Well, if everyone's staying,
then I should stay, too.

You know, for human guidance.

Fine. I will fix this.

...uh, parents

- who do the interview.
- Good point, yes.

But I would like to say
that we're all going to stay

because we very much think
of everyone

- in this room as members of the family.
- Mm-hmm.

So, please, meet our butler

- and our groundskeeper.
- I'm the groundskeeper, by the way. Ha!

Okay, then.
One big, happy family.

Everyone helps out here.

- There's a lot of love in this family.
- Mm.

In fact, there's so much love,

apparently,
you're with Nandor now

and Laz doesn't mind?

I mean,
you know, it's no judgment.

What's the word
for what you guys are? It's...

- Polyamorous?
- Oh,

I was thinking filthy hippies,

but, uh, like I said,
no judgement.

Right, Mr. Warren?

- Fuck's sake.
- Of course this is a disaster.

- He knows we're married, my darling.
- Let's just say

that I am the mother
and Laszlo is the father.

- Who am I going to be?
- You're the groundskeeper now.

- Keep up.
- Come on.

- Go, go, go, go, go. Careful.
- I can see.

Careful, the camera. Stop. No.

- Stop. Ready.
- Okay?

So, uh...

I'm sorry. Uh...

- Where was I?
- I don't know.

I am just Matthew,
the groundskeeper.

And there Colin was,

just perched
on the top of the tree

like a little snake.

But not a snake.

A real human baby.

Very normal human baby.

And we had no choice

but to, um, take him in, crying.

That is very odd.

- But really quite beautiful.
- Yeah.

We consider it a positive

to support family structures

that at one time
might have seemed unorthodox.

In fact, I'd venture to say

we have families
far less traditional than yours.

- Shit.
- We aren't different enough.

We need
a weirder family structure.

The more unorthodox we are,

the more chance we have
of getting him in.

No, I think we're doing fine
with the adoption angle.

We need to be gay.

No, there's plenty
of gay parents out there.

Trust me. Gay is in.

Gay is hot. I want some gay.

Gay it's gonna be. Nandor?

As you
can see, we're Colin's two dads.

Wonderful. You know,
our school is quite proud

of our acceptance
of family structures

- that at one time might...
- Yeah, can I stop you there?

You need to know that we're
very gay for each other.

Completely gay.

We are like
two French trombones.

And this guy?
I ream him nightly.

And I'm always sucking him off.

They are like,
"Come, it's dinner!

Stop sucking off
your gay husband!"

Which is amusing,
'cause I am dinner.

- And I just carry on reaming him.
- Nadja. Nadja.

Sexually.
You must understand that.

Hey! You got a problem
with these guys being gay?

- I will ream you.
- No.

- No, I don't have a problem.
- You better not.

'Cause I don't mess
with homophobes.

- It's the 20th century now.
- Thank you for that, Sean.

- Well said.
- Please just freeze them. Okay?

- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Appreciated.

What'd you do that for?
That was going great.

If you're gonna do this,
just hold hands and act normal.

Stop talking about
your explicit sexual activities.

- Why?
- Jealous.

Y-Your relationship aside,

could you tell me
a little bit about Colin?

Oh, yes. Yes, they can.

Yes.

We can.

Yeah. Um, Colin is a...

- Um...
- Yes.

- Give us a minute.
- Okay.

Colin...

- He...
- Colin...

- Uh...
- Colin is a bright and energetic boy

who's eager to make friends.

His favorite number is 31.

His favorite color is brown,

and he loves both classic stage
and movie musicals.

- He's actually quite a gifted singer and performer himself.
- Wow.

For a non-parental figure,

you sure seem to know a lot about Colin.

You bragging about all your
Colin Robinson knowledge

is making all of us
look like skata.

But no one was saying anything,
so I had to say something.

Now he's going to think we're
those absentee parent types

who know nothing
about their children

and let the nanny
do all the work.

- Yeah, well, you are.
- Fine.

You want to be king
of Baby Colin Robinson?

So, has it been hard

raising Colin alone by myself

as a single parent? Yeah.

Perhaps that's why
we're so close.

We only have each other
in this cold,

- scary world.
- Could I interest you in some

refreshments? Uh...

Potato chips, some eggs,

cigarette,
or perhaps a nice, ripe

banana.

Uh...

- Did that upset you?
- I'm sorry, what?

Well, you look a
little, uh, surprised, or maybe

troubled by what

- Guillermo just said.
- No.

That's just... allergies.

This is how I look
when I get my allergies.

You know, one of
the parents at our school is a

top-notch allergist. I could
put you in touch with him.

- Yes.
- A very nice family.

Uh, his wife
is a wonderful actress,

but it wouldn't be appropriate
for me to mention her name.

- Absolutely, no.
- Oh, go ahead.

Tell us. - No, no.

Come on.

Let's just say that you would

recognize her from...

more than a few episodes
of Law & Order.

Law & Order.
I was going to say...

Okay.

I know what's going on here.

It's as clear as day.

This motherfucker
is a star fucker.

What? No, I don't think
that's what he meant.

Yes, that is
what these schools want.

They want the famous parents,
so they can be like,

"I couldn't possibly

"say anything, but

"Lionel fucking Barrymore's kids

might just go here."

Nadja's right. He fucks stars.

Where can we find
a celebrity, and fast?

Well, this is Staten Island,

which is a veritable playground
for the glitterati.

This way.

So, yeah, as long as
it's SAG minimum,

I'm down for anything.

Who's this guy?

Shut up.

It is actually very interesting
you say that

because, uh,
Colin's father here, Mr...

Sal Vulcano,

is a very famous actor also.

I wouldn't consider
what I do acting, but...

This is Colin's father,

you know, the guy from
Incomprehensible Jesters.

- Impractical Jokers...
- Nobody cares.

Just sit there silent.

So, Sal here is Colin's father?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Or...

I'm sorry,
it's been a long day,

and my memory
isn't what it once was.

Whoa. Who the hell is that guy?

- It is me, Nandor.
- Oh, no, no.

You're not Nandor.

Okay, fine, fine,
I am not Nandor.

I am... Adolfo,

the butler or some shit.

- Yeah, all right.
- Right.

So... who exactly
are the parents here?

Shit.

Uh... I'm not sure I get
the joke of the bit.

Laszlo!

Woops.

Prick was getting on my nerves

with his jibber-jabber.

We'll drain him later.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you can hypnotize them

for them to freeze
and forget everything,

wouldn't it be easier to just
hypnotize Headmaster Warren

into allowing Colin

into the school
without all this play-acting?

Did this bitch

just say what I think he said?

- He did.
- Are you off your tits, boy?

- What? - He is.
- Exactly.

We are in far too deep
now, baby.

The only way forward

is to stick to the plan.

Little Colin
has so many hobbies,

it's just very hard
to keep track.

Yeah, he definitely loves
his big little head, you know?

It's always bobbling all around.

Like yours, honey.

This one and that one,
they're all bobbling.

The pain
of childbirth is nothing

compared to the pain
of child rearing.

That's beautifully said.

It's definitely not easy
being a single mother,

but I love Baby Colin, my son.

What the actual fuck is that?
Is that a talking doll?

So, um, please to tell me
a little bit

about Colin's hobbies?

Who is Colin?

Colin is our son, my darling.

Just to be clear, old-timer,

I'm not always the sucker,
and he's

not always the reamer.

Though, he does ream me nightly.

Adolfo, you dirty dog.

Wait a second, haven't we
already done this one?

Hello.

- Seany!
- Hey!

Yo, Lasz.

You know what?
I'm not doing this.

Baby.

I'm sorry to cut this short,
but my head is killing me.

Oh, you, too? I got, like,
the mother of all migraines.

Anyway, it's been

a most informative evening.

So, uh, do you have
Colin's transcripts?

What? What's that?

His transcripts
from his previous school.

- He's never been to school...
- I'll have them sent over tomorrow.

So, yeah,
I pulled a few strings to get

the guidance counselor
from my old school to work up

a fake transcript
for Baby Colin.

You know, not really happy
about dipping

into the nightclub fund for it,

or the whole bribery thing
in general,

but it's what's best
for the child.

Anyways, uh, I'm gonna go
for a little walk,

and I'll catch you guys
back at the house, okay?

You take care of that,
all right?

Hey, guys.

Uh, what's up?

I thought we wrapped for me,
I was wrapped for the day.

This isn't what it looks like.

I mean, sure, yes,
I've had, you know,

access to more cash lately,

ever since I became
the bookkeeper for the club,

but...

I know I shouldn't be stealing

from the club,
and I'm not stealing.

I was just putting
some cash aside

to pay myself.

It's not even about me.

It's about family, okay?

I just happen to have
two families

I got to take care of, huh?

Just like you have a family.

No?

I'll put it right there.

No takers?

Pick it up, lad!

That's it.

- Come on. Baby!
- Power through.

- Oh!
- This is embarrassing.

These kids need to watch
some more Dream Team footage

and then play like that.

Shut up bitching.

He's doing a marvelous job.

Well, after all our hard work,

Baby Colin did not get accepted.

Apparently, Headmaster Warren
suffered a massive stroke

only hours
after meeting up with us.

The reason for that is
most human beings

can only take
seven hypnoses per hour.

That man went through 428.

So we didn't have to start
all over again,

we decided to enroll Baby Colin

in every community sports league

we could think of.

The volleyballs, softballs...

- And large balls.
- Baseballs,

sports balls...

Human stuff.

They're obsessed with balls.

Kill them! Kill them dead!

- Don't you think we might be pushing him a little too hard?
- No.

This is essential
for his college application.

Plus, he's having a great time.

Put it in the basket!

That's my boy!

- Yes, Colin!
- Time for hockey.

Okay.

And now, finally, the boy's

too tired
to be such a little shit.

So, ultimately, I realized

I have been completely
ruining my life

and my face.

What is ironical is that

I was only doing this
to make myself

look better for my wife Marwa.

This was for her, not for me.

So, back to one?

Yes,

if you would be so kind.

I live to serve.

Yes, you do.

Oh!

Kind of tickled.

- I say, Nandor...
- Yeah?

...you really need to quit
with the plastic surgery.

You look insane.

Ha, ha. Very funny, Laszlo.

- No reaming for you tonight.
- Oh.

No reaming, no sucking,
no tickling,

no fingering, no fucking.

And don't even think about
scritchy-scratching

on my door like
a little horny squirrel.

You can bury your own nuts.

Tonight's take.

Oh, and a very good night
indeed.

It's all there.

- Thank you, Guillermo.
- Okay. Yeah, you're welcome.

This is not what it looks like.

No. It's exactly
what it looks like.

Oh, um,

if you tell anyone this,

I will kill you
and your entire family,

and I will invite all your
friends to their funeral,

and then I'll kill all of them,
too, so... your choice.