Original subtitles

Oh, america! What's up?

You look great.

Sometimes on our show,

there's just too much delicious

goodness to squeeze into an

episode.

All of us have tons of crazy

moments like that that you've

never seen.

So I came up with a brilliant

idea to take those moments and

put them in one episode.

Yes, so, please, america.

Send him "thanank you" letters,

because you're about to see all

of our UN-aired bonus footage.

Let's get yolo!

What's yolo?

You only live once!

Let's get you only live once?

Yeah.

That makes no...

let's get you only live once

and watch those clips right now.

That makes sense to you.

To you, that makes sense?

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

So, here's a bit of trivia

for youse.

Before we film a challenge, we

decide who goes first by yelling

"not it."

Not it.

Not it.

Not it.

You're up first.

Ah!

You lose, which means you're

up first, which means you're in

for a treat.

Footage of Sally boy over here

working as a receptionist.

Sign in.

I need to ask you a couple

questions real quick.

Pick up the phone.

Hey, Maurice, could you find

the...

Yes.

I couldn't find the files from

earlier.

Put your finger up.

Put your finger up to her.

Now, I'll be right with you.

Just one second.

All right.

Now, just leave it there, sal.

Yeah.

Uh... well, I did. I...

Yes.

After lunch, they do that.

Move that finger closer to

her.

Get it closer to her.

Yeah, I mean, it depends.

One second.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm gonna work overtime

tonight.

Just one second.

Hold on... hold on one second.

Yeah, Maurice...

Just one second, please.

Two. Uh-huh.

Get that finger closer to

her.

Closer! Closer!

Look how close it looks.

Closer.

Well, you can tell him that

Janet said that they'd be there,

and I put the file on his desk.

I left it right with him.

You good?

Okay. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I'll be right with you.

What would you... what would you

do if someone went like that to

you?

Would you know it was a joke, or

would you get mad, or what would

you do?

I would lick or kiss the

finger.

I wish you wouldn't say

things like that.

All right, Amy.

Okay, sal, so give this woman

a pedicure.

He's looking at the other

people...

To see what the other people

are doing.

To see how they give a

pedicure.

How long have you been in

New York?

Well...

Everything she says, try to

repeat exactly what she's saying

as she says it.

How long have you been up in

this neighborhood?

Just, um, since June.

Just, um, since June.

Both: It's younger there and

European.

Good? Okay.

Gently shush her when she

talks.

How long's your, uh, commute

on the subway?

Half an hour.

Shh.

Half an hour.

Shh.

If I get the con...

shh.

You said you were in what part

of Brooklyn?

Uh...

Shh.

It's expensive...

shh.

Open-mouth sneeze on her

foot.

Oh, my god.

That would be amazing if he does

that.

Sorry.

Put that back in.

He's hiding! He's hiding!

You guys were merciless with

me on that one.

If... if you were...

shh.

Hi, how are you?

Good. How are you?

Good.

Okay.

You're just picking up or...

You need to try them on.

Oh, gotcha. Okay.

Get ready to compliment those

pants, sal.

Those are nice

pants!

Do it. Do it.

Hey, Laura, those

are nice pants!

Do it. Do it.

Hey, Laura.

Those are nice

pants.

Oh, another

pair of pants.

Oh, those are

nice, too!

Laura...

Those are nice pants, too.

I like those better than the

other ones.

Oh, my god!

Those are my favorite pants!

Laura!

Oh, my god!

Laura!

Those are my favorite!

You see Laura's pants?!

You sound like, uh, the

kool-aid guy.

Oh, yeah!

All right.

Enough is enough with me.

But stick around, because we

have clips from murr coming up

next.

Woe is me!

You know, some people don't

realize this, but I'm actually

a mastermind.

The mastermind with the

fool-proof plan.

Yeah, that never works.

Sometimes it works.

No, no, no. Zero.

Exactly zero times it works.

There was one time.

Never.

Never.

All right.

Let's take a look at the master

at work.

Angelo.

James. Nice to meet you.

How long have you been a member

of the gym?

Uh...

He's been going to this gym

for 20 years?!

What is Murray gonna tell him?

Do you, uh, aerobic, as well?

Every day you come in?

You've never done aerobic

exercise a day in your life?

Jumping Jacks. Right now.

Let's do some cardio, okay?

Do it!

Faster!

Faster! Faster!

Let's do it a bit faster.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Want to build up a sweat.

You got to build up a sweat.

That's it.

All right, all right, all

right.

Stop. Stop suddenly.

Good. Take it slow.

Take it slow.

Take it slow.

Whew.

Murr, jumping Jacks!

Jumping Jacks!

Come on. Faster. Faster.

The woman on the mat.

Look at the woman.

Look at the woman on the mat!

In circles. Go in circles.

Go in circles.

Circle it up.

That's it. Right here.

I'm right here.

I'm right here.

I'm right here.

I'm right here. You and me.

All right. Calm down.

When you get caught doing the

same routine, you're not making

any progress.

You have to keep the body

guessing between aerobic...

Murr! Jumping Jacks!

And anaerobic workout.

Spin, spin, spin.

Go free form.

Free form. Spin around.

Spin around.

This guy's just following

him.

That's it.

And now in my face.

Let's do it.

Let's do it together.

That's it.

That's it.

Right here.

You are a man!

Why'd you stop, bro?

I thought you were stopping.

Oh.

If any of us were on the

floor, we would have been dead.

It would have been a totally

different joke.

It would have been about killing

one of us.

Right.

Do a jumping Jack. Go.

Joe? Wake up. Joe?

I got to tell you, though.

You look great in a headband.

That headband did a great job

keeping my forehead out of my

eyes.

Do you play?

No.

No?

You're doing pretty good.

Ask her what her name is.

I'm James, by the way.

Brandi, nice to meet you.

Where you from?

Oh, is that right?

Brandi, I have to tell you

something.

I have to tell you something,

by the way.

I am an artist.

I am an artist.

I wrote a song about you in

my head right now.

And I wrote a song about you

in my head right now.

And I'm gonna play it for

you, right now, on this piano.

Go ahead, buddy.

Everything.

I have everything.

Apparently, I've got

everything.

Brandi.

♪ Brandi from Guam

♪ you are the bomb

♪ my face makes you vom

♪ my face makes you vom

♪ Brandi is so from Guam

♪ Brandi from Guam

♪ I'm hairy like king Kong

♪ I'm hairy like king Kong

♪ can I get some?

♪ Can I get some?

♪ Oh, Brandi

oh!

♪ Brandi from Guam

♪ left me like my mom

if I had a nickel for every

woman that's run that fast from

me...

That got away.

Got away.

Got away changes that figure

drastically.

He gets most of them before they

hit the highway.

We're all in luck, because we

have more never-before-seen

clips of murr playing a

podiatrist.

Oh.

Getting down with the feetsies.

Let's take a look.

Okay.

So, now, which leg is hurting

more?

Fix the back of the chair.

It wasn't fixed for her.

It's not my feet..

Is this not that comfortable?

Let me tilt this back up for

you, okay?

Oop. Sorry.

Oh, do it back and forth and

up and down.

Keep moving her up

and down.

Keep moving her up and down.

Yeah. There we go.

Is that better?

Okay, murr, say, "all right,

so with the feet..."

With the feet...

"You know what?

Let me adjust this chair."

You know what?

Let me adjust the chair.

Keep doing it!

Is that better?

Yeah, it's good.

A little more comfortable?

Yeah.

Great. Okay.

Let's take a look.

Murr, we're just gonna check

out this foot right here.

I'm just gonna check this

foot out real quick, okay?

Now just stand up, buddy.

Pop right up. Stand up.

Okay.

And now swing your leg over

it so your ass is facing her.

Put her leg through your legs.

The foot, uh... the right

foot, do you feel any pressure?

You almost got it, bud.

Swing and a miss.

Do you feel any pressure with

the right foot over here at all?

She went to grab his ass!

I'm gonna get the doctor real

quick on this.

She didn't know anyone was

watching her.

Right.

So, that was just all for

her.

Yeah.

What's odd, though, is that I

never thought I had a juicy

buttocks.

Oh, god.

Please don't... please don't say

things like that.

Well, I don't have a

squeezable buttocks.

Okay.

My butt is kind of bony and

not squeezable and enjoyable.

After we come back from the

break, we'll see some clips

about q.

My butt.

We are taking a look, tonight,

at never-before-seen moments.

And right now, it is q's turn.

Q, how do you do it, buddy?

How do I do what?

Just stumble your way through

every day of your life?

You know, it's a skill.

No matter what time of day it

is, you always seem cranky,

tired, and disoriented.

All right. Okay.

That's because you guys set out

to make me look that way.

I feel this new footage is gonna

position me in a new light.

Okay. Okay, okay.

So, let's take a look at some

never-before-seen, UN-aired q

moments.

We are from

sensitivity coaches,

incorporated.

We've been hired to come speak

with you today on sensitivity in

the workplace.

Okay.

Please make sure to remain

professional.

These are your clients, your

co-workers.

They are not your friends, and

nicknames...

to make them appropriate.

Correct.

For the...

wow.

That was probably actually the

most racist music.

Why did we put that in?

It came preloaded.

Oh, okay.

Inappropriate nicknames would

be, uh...

Kung fu Lou.

Kung fu Lou.

Kung fu Lou.

Unless... unless his name is

Lou...

And he happens to do kung fu.

Then that's just respect.

All right.

Okay.

Uh...

So, inappropriate nicknames

for this gentleman in the

office.

Okay.

Black-aroni & cheese.

You guys aren't gonna like if

somebody's like "yo, you seen

black-aroni & cheese?"

Yeah, right?

You mean, Trevor?

Now...

Okay.

A kid in a wheelchair.

Uh, don't call the kid in the

wheelchair "wheels."

What's up, wheels?

Oh, man.

You actually tackled Joe in

slow motion at the end.

Sometimes I can't take it,

man.

I just can't take it.

But your body looks like a

puppet.

You know, when you release...

like a marionette?

Oh, my god!

You do that really well.

All right.

So, there's still more of q.

Let's take a look at another

never-before-seen clip.

All right.

Here it is.

It's decision time.

Pick your poison!

Catch someone in a net.

Like a fishing net.

Net us a person.

Oh, and throw a water balloon

at someone.

Yeah, yeah!

They're both good choices.

I know it's like, "which one?

They're both so good."

I hate the three of you.

I'm gonna catch someone in a

net.

Oh!

All right.

You're gonna try.

I'm immediately regretting my

choice now that I'm holding this

giant net in my hand.

Looks completely natural.

Yes.

Oh, oh, oh!

He's got to net them, right,

like down to here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to catch someone.

They're getting away.

I know.

You think this is easy?

Here we go.

This guy right here.

Yeah, this guy to the right.

Yep.

Yep.

The element of surprise.

Hey, what's going on, man?

How you doing?

You look like a catch is what

I'm saying, huh?

Okay.

So, you are trying, man.

We'll give you that.

You're trying, but you are not

netting anyone.

You're not catching somebody.

The card specifically says...

I know. I know what it says.

I know what it says!

That guy, that guy.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my goodness!

I... please.

That's my favorite net.

You can keep it.

You can have it.

Oh, my god.

That's...

oh!

Technically, I caught him

before he... he...

You know what?

Let me tell you something about

that guy.

Is he actually turned out to be

really, really nice after he

found out it was a joke.

Right.

When he thought he was

getting caught in a net, he

wasn't happy about it.

No.

He thought I was a crazy

jerk.

Slap yourself.

We all want to do it from

here, so we figure we'd put you

in charge.

And don't make it a love tap.

Make it a hefty slap.

Use that meat hook you got.

All right, purp.

'Sup, purps.

What's going on?

Hi.

Come here often?

Um...

Now.

Is there any places around

her kind of nice that I should

see?

There's a lot.

There's a lot.

Give me just... just give me

your favorite.

Brother Jimmy's.

Now.

What else?

Um...

She thinks this is hitting on

her.

He's hitting on her and hitting

himself.

He's hitting on him.

I'm not sure.

You're not sure?

No.

Now.

Now.

Deuce.

We dropped the deuce on him.

All right.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah, you go.

I would appreciate it if you

would go.

But let me tell you one more

thing before you go.

Oh, just one more thing

before you go.

Now.

Bye!

You have the meatiest of

hooks.

I do.

So, that was coming in... you

were coming in with some

velocity.

Giant ham hands.

Look at the difference in

your hands.

You could crush his skull.

I feel like I'm holding hands

with a girlfriend.

When we come back from break,

we're gonna take a look at some

of Joe's never-before-seen

moments.

Your turn!

Oh!

Joe's approach can be summed

up in one word... loud.

Everybody has a strategy,

mine is just louder, that's all.

Is that a strategy or a way

of life, 'cause I've met your

family, and you're all louder

than the next.

It's ridiculous.

People that marry into your

family... like, if they're not

loud, the day after the wedding,

they're sitting

there going like this, cracking

jokes and stuff like that!

You want to be heard.

You want to be heard.

On that note,

let's take a look at some

brand-new clips from Joe!

Joe, you see this guy in the

blue bathing suit?

Stand right over him until hehe

wakes up and notices.

Oh, this is tough.

You're gonna get him punched,

man.

In the balls.

In the balls.

Wha-bam!

Doing all right?

Everything's okay here?

Are you doing okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

We've got the rip tide and

everything.

You did all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Okay, good.

Just checking in with everybody,

making sure everybody's doing

okay on the beach.

Thanks, bud.

Yeah, he's okay.

That's so weird.

All right, Joey.

This guy in the yellow shorts.

I'm trying to work out the

angle.

He's got his, like, leg crossed

with like a weird arm.

And it's such a weird

position.

You doing okay?

Everything okay?

Everything okay with the rip

tide?

Earlier, in the water, you were

okay?

Good. It's all good.

And you're good, too?

From earlier?

You were in the water earlier?

Oh, no.

You were only in the beach?

Oh, okay.

Oh, an hour ago?

No, no.

I thought... sorry.

I thought that it was earlier

when you were in the water.

I didn't know if that was you.

You... you haven't been...

'Cause they had called it in

earlier.

Somebody had the... you were in

the water...

"can you move, please?"

Oh, okay.

Then it wasn't you.

I was looking for the other guy,

then.

It wasn't... no. It wasn't him.

That was one of the rare

moments that the cops have been

called on us.

Yes.

What was his complaint to the

police?

"Excuse me, there's a

beach-patrol guy with his crotch

too close to my sleeping body."

But wait.

There's more Joe footage to

come.

Let's take a look at him working

at the white castle

drive-through.

Joe, hand her everything

individually.

Napkins...

Condiments, straws, salt...

One at a time.

Everything à la carte.

Okay.

There's your large sweet tea.

Here's a straw for your drink.

There's a napkin.

There's your sack of onion

rings.

And that's the bag for the sack

of onion rings.

First cheeseburger.

Bag for the first cheeseburger.

Second cheeseburger.

Ketchup for the second

cheeseburger.

Here's the honey mustard.

Here's a honey mustard.

Here's a honey mustard.

There's honey mustard.

Honey mustard.

Honey mustard.

Thank you. Enjoy.

Oh, my god.

My cheeks hurt right now.

Like Copperfield... one at at

time.

It was all in the prestige.

Here you go.

My favorite's when you just

started throwing into

the car.

Now let's take a look at some

never-before-seen footage of Joe

working as a receptionist.

Here you go.

Have a seat right there.

Cool.

Doing all right, Glen?

Good, man.

Joe, while you're talking to

him, why don't you get up and,

uh, adjust yourself?

They have a new piano coming

out that works with Bluetooth.

It works with Bluetooth.

Bluetooth technology... it plays

the melody in your ear.

Scratch your ass with the

desk.

Now, you find... you like

t-mobile?

Yeah?

I had at&t for a while, and I

switched over to the other

company.

They gave the better plan.

Unlimited minutes.

Get that desk in your ass

crack.

What kind of data plan do you

got?

This guy is unflappable.

I bet he's a poker champ.

Yeah, yeah.

Unlimited minutes?

While you're talking to him,

can you go sit on his lap?

No, you don't want a new one?

Yeah.

I don't either.

I mean, I'm good with it.

Yeah.

When is, uh... when's your

contract up?

Two years.

He's not making

any face!

What?!

That's amazing, man.

That's absolutely amazing.

What the

oh, my god.

So, that's why I switched to

verizon.

What was that guy thinking?

He didn't break for a moment.

That guy... I've spent more

time thinking about that guy,

because what has he seen?

You're right.

He's been through some stuff.

I had a better conversation with

him while I was scratching my

ass than I've ever had with him.

Well, that was fun.

That was great.

That was something.

It was a great time.

Thank you very much for joining

us on these UN-aired clips of

"impractical jokers."

Yes.

So, say goodnight, sal.

Goodnight, sal!