Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hey, Mina.

How was the surgery?

Are you black yet?

That was just a consultation.

Hang on, I can't see you. Your internet is shit.

Do you feel I can go next week and do it?

I hope you like it.

Do whatever you want, Mina, but honestly, I think you're fine the way

There's no way.

It's just a pre -injection.

Look, it's fine. If you want to do it, just do whatever makes you feel happy.

That's not why I was calling, though, actually.

I woke up this morning and I found this weird growth thing on my chest.

What? It's like a weird tentacle thing.

A tentacle?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

It's like a weird tentacle.

I don't know what I would call it. If I squeeze it, I can feel my heart beating.

I'm just, my body's falling apart recently. I'm getting old.

You should go to the doctor.

Ah, it's so shit here. Like, uh, they'll give me an appointment probably for

next month.

Ah, it's alright, though. I, I, actually, I met a healer guy.

What? A healer?

Yeah, a healer guy. Like, uh, I met him the other week. Um, he seemed alright.

He had really bad BO, though.

Hang on a minute, Mina. It's that fat guy. The one with the beard and the

coat. I'll talk to you later.

All right. Have fun.

it real good.

Ah, yes, that's right.

Do the ass thing.

Ass thing? That's 30 bucks extra.

Do the ass thing!

Just... Just pay the 30 bucks you cheap sack of shit.

Just pay up you fucking asshole.

Try to stay calm.

Distract yourself.

Go for a walk.

I'll be there in about an hour and we'll take care of it.

Have you ever seen anything like this before?

It's not common, but it happens.

Where did it come from?

It's hard to tell.

Childhood traumas.

Chemicals in the soap.

Background radiation.

We are exposed to a lot of pollutants these days.

Do you think they might be able to remove it?

At the hospital?

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't do that.

The hospital, it will be a disaster.

Though, just cut it off.

And I'll grow it back again and again and again.

By the end, you'll be more tentacle than man.

I have a special tea for you.

What is it?

What is this tree made of?

It's made from the bark of the Kampanga tree.

It's real hard to get a hold of.

But don't worry.

I'll get you some more.

Where did it come from?

No country you have heard of.

Take this tea two or three times a day.

It will help your immune system clear the tentacle.

What about the soap?

I don't believe in soap.

Something strange happened earlier.

I was opening an avocado.

There was this disgusting thing growing inside, covered in pink

goop.

Did it look a bit like a brain?

I'd say it looked more like an eyeball.

Did it have an umbilical cord?

Yeah, something like that.

I put it in a jar.

Uh... You wanna see it?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

This is precisely what you need.

It's an Oreo to me like that.

Quick.

It needs to attach itself to another tree.

It's a parasitic plant.

A rare fungus.

It infects the tree and turns into this thing.

It's an extremely rare plant.

So incredibly rare that I've only seen it in ancient books.

Take real good care of it.

You've been incredibly lucky to find it.

collect the secretions and apply them to the tentacle two or three times a day

until it heals.

Hi guys, welcome back. So today I'm going to be talking about my tentacle

like some new alternative remedies I found for it. So this thing started

about two years ago. It was a stressful time. The doctors didn't really know

what to do about it or anything.

So what I did was look it up online and like I couldn't really find anything

except this one guy who got surgery, but he like suffered from death.

But yeah, so this is why I'm looking for some alternative remedies now. Right

now, I'm taking some chaga tea. I heard it has a lot of healing properties. What

the fuck is going on? I'm also making this paste out of ginger, uh, root root,

and lava for a cactus.

So after a few weeks using this paste, I've noticed that my tentacle has not

been growing.

It's been staying the same size, which is pretty small. So yeah, you guys might

have noticed that it's kind of like a bifurcating tentacle.

It kind of looks like a snail. It's like a small pet.

If it doesn't get any bigger, I think I can live with it. It's kind of cute. I

don't really mind it being there anymore. I think that you should just

it and learn how to love it. Yeah, I've been making little accessories for mine.

And yeah, maybe I'll make a video about it sometime.

If you have any questions, leave a comment, and we'll see you guys next

What the hell is this?

Yeah, look at this. On the bus on the way over here, two twins taking pictures

of me. Okay.

Two twins taking pictures of me. What about it?

Well, they're like twin dickheads. They're wearing the same clothes.

I guess.

They look pretty weird.

Yeah? I don't know.

Are you okay?

You look like shit.

I always look like this.

More or less.

Ah, look, that's nasty.

You see this? What the fuck?

What's that?

It looks pretty weird.

It looks bad, yeah? What is it?

I've got, like, this tentacle thing growing on me.

Have you seen a doctor?

I got this healer. He came over to my house. Healer?

Yeah, a healer. He gave me some ointment.

Okay. See what happens.

I still think you should go see a doctor.

Well, I'll see what happens with the ointment.

And then, yeah, if I don't die, I'll go and see a doctor.

I told you, mate, I don't have any mayo.

Have another one of these, yep?

Ugh.

Hang on a minute.

Well, how about this? Like, foot cream.

What you got?

Dactylacort. Does it squeeze?

Oh, let's see.

Does it really look like mayo?

I don't know.

Let's see.

How's that?

Yeah, I could work with that.

Do another one.

Yeah.

That's it.

Give me another one.

Oh, shit.

My wife's calling me late. Sorry, we're going to have to wrap it up now.

Oh, no, one more minute.

I'm almost there.

Okay, pay up.

One more minute.

I'm almost there.

We're going to have to fucking wrap it up now. Just pay up. Like, okay, look.

One ketchup, two ketchups, uh, whatever, uh, foot cream.

That's a speciality item.

That's gonna be a fiver, yeah?

Whatever. You don't know how to run a business.

The fucking foot cream and the two ketchups.

Pay up.

Yep, thanks a lot, dickhead.

Hey, Mina.

Um, it looks a bit weird.

I hope you like it.

What do you think?

Purple. You like it?

Yeah, it looks good.

It's pretty hot, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it looks good.

Very purple.

You don't like it?

I think they botched it.

No, it does look good. It's just a bit shocking, isn't it?

It's a huge change.

It looks good.

I'm a hot toddy. Yeah, it looks nice.

How did your tent go?

Maybe a bit better, I'm not sure.

Did you get the pictures I sent?

Yes, it looks the same.

It shrinks whenever I put the goo on it, and then it starts growing back pretty

quickly, so I have to keep putting the stuff on it.

Why don't you put it more often?

It really hurts.

I'll help you when I get home.

I was thinking maybe we can go on a holiday.

Yeah, it'd be nice, but I don't think we can afford it after this operation.

Aren't you making good money with all that fat guy?

Yeah, not that much really, though.

Where did you want to go?

I was thinking Africa, so I can be with my people.

And I bought my loose.

Are you listening?

I am listening. There's someone outside.

Hang on.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I just saw this tentacle porn website.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

People will like what they like, Joe.

I suppose.

Listen, could I maybe get a jar of that goop?

Sure.

I have a customer that could benefit from that.

Tell me, Joe, how is the tentacle going?

Better? Well, the goop seems to make it smaller.

Then it grows back.

So, better, yes?

It looks about the same.

Improving?

About the same.

Okay, sounds good.

Keep at it.

Hello?

Africa, that's fucked up.

Yeah, she said she wants to be with her people.

Seriously, you can't let her do this.

Yeah, I think it's fucking weird, but I love her.

You guys are going to go to Africa and be black.

What do you think the Africans are going to say about this?

Oh, I don't know. Like, maybe they'd be flattered.

Masai seemed pretty friendly.

Oh, my God. You're going to go live with the Masai?

She just wants to be like Martina Big.

Who?

Oh, you should Google her. She was this crazy blonde German model with too much

plastic surgery and these humongous boobs.

Like, she turned black.

V? She's not alone.

What the fuck is that?

Those fucking twins are outside my house just now.

I don't know what the fuck is going on. They're taking pictures. The second time

they've been at my house.

I think they're back again.

Okay.