Original subtitles

Look at these pitiful humans.

So easy in this digital age to create a room for my souls.

They come and chat and reveal their most inner secrets, and all I have to do is

collect.

One by one, I will take them like a Thanksgiving banquet.

Well, let's start with the taster before we move on to the mains.

Jeff is just in it for her money.

Now this is a tasty main course.

Mummy, are you dead?

Are you?

Maybe she's waiting for him.

Hey Annie, I thought I'd send you a video message rather than

text you because I know you're driving right now.

I've just got to mum's house now.

I've brought my suit for the funeral tomorrow so I've got everything I need.

I haven't been out in a while.

I will see you at 5 o 'clock. It's 3 o 'clock now.

Yeah, I hope your drive's going okay See you in a bit

Hey Annie, I'm just checking in.

It's almost 5 o 'clock and I've not heard from you yet, so...

Hey, I just wanted to check you're okay because it's after five now.

Please do text me because I want it.

I just hope you're okay.

Some say when you're intoxicated, we see double.

Well, Ruth is about to notice she is not the only one living inside herself.

Yummy. Watch out.

Someone's looking at you.

You only wake up and you're still pissed.

That's me right now.

Pissed and a little bit on all of it. Well, you can feel it both.

But I actually had a really good night.

My head is hurting, though.

But what else are we meant to do in this situation that we're all in?

Got to have a bit of fun and...

My roommates, housemates, friends, mates are

in the biggest mood possible with me today for trying to have a little bit of

fun and actually lighten myself and lighten my mood up.

And I honestly don't care because if I want to put a little bit of music on

and dance and have a few glasses of wine, what's the issue with that?

You know?

But right now, seeing as they've buggered off out to food shopping, not

asked me if I want any food. No, no. Because it's Everyone Hate Roof Day

in case you didn't know.

I'm going to jump in the shower, put some more music on, and enjoy myself.

Now, I'm all for a party by myself, but I am getting sick of it.

Absolutely sick of it.

I'm fed up of living with absolute boring twats. who just have a go at me

wanting to have a drink. So if any of you out there want to have a virtual

with me, let's FaceTime, let's make this happen. Drop me a DM.

How was that?

Try not to laugh.

This is my new pad.

This is where I am going to be living now.

Yep, you heard it. They've kicked me out.

I wasn't joking when they said I won my last warning.

And even though I don't think I've personally done anything wrong, they do.

So yeah, I'm here now.

They are going to put my bed in there and obviously clean all the storage out

with it.

But yeah.

and obviously there's no i can do about it because i can't exactly go back to my

parents house yet i've just got to hold it out i've literally been

trying to sleep so i don't know how many hours

they're still

still at it

I feel like an absolute mug.

Well, I'm stuck in here. They're all having a little gathering.

I think I'm some sort of pushover.

Did you hear him?

Fuck off.

I am sick of it now. They have literally had me up for hours, laughing, joking.

I'm sure they're doing it louder just to piss me off.

Do they think I'm, like, locked in this garage or something? Like, I can't come

out.

I am going to go up here and have a fucking visit. That's what I'm going to

Go see what's going on there.

Let me act like you are.

Sally is one of those courses that gets stuck in your teeth.

Irritating. You have to keep prodding it with a stick to jar it loose.

But it's still very sweet.

Just like her little friend, the bear.

Hi. God, wow. What a journey. Man, it's just been crazy.

I've been on such a long flight and I'm just getting back to my parents house

now. So I'm really excited about to go and see everyone.

Just such a stunning view up here.

So beautiful.

Hey guys. Hey.

So I've just gotten back to my parents house and I'm just about to go into my

old room. I just wanted to drag the bag in with me. My heavy bag.

So weird.

Okay.

So many mirrors. It's so fun.

Hi.

Oh wow. This is so weird being back.

Yeah. There's some things on my shelf that are like really old.

Oh mum.

Nice.

Nice.

Yep.

These bad boys.

I remember using these all the time when I was younger. That's so funny. I'm

just going to put them on.

Let's put half with one hand. Talking to you guys.

There we go. How's that?

Is that beautiful?

Yeah, these are pretty fun. They're a little bit crooked.

Still good though. Still good.

Still good.

Oh my god.

Ugh.

She's put that creepy bear back in my room.

Why?

Mum's put like a bunch of my old toys and

there's like this creepy bear that

I had when I was a kid and she's put it like back on my top shelf. Like look at

that. It's so weird.

Look at him.

How?

Why'd you do that?

Honestly.

So, um... I'm just... In my room, but I've just, like...

I thought I heard something, so I'm just working out.

Man, their beard is so creepy.

I think I'm just going to put something over it.

It's so weird.

I really hope you guys don't need a creepy beard.

I'm just going to gather it up.

Now I can go to sleep.

Now that it's all covered up.

And we'll see you guys next time.

Hi, I'm just waking up in New Zealand. I've got my coffee.

And I'm just going out on the deck, the balcony, the veranda, to see this

beautiful view.

And you can hear the birds in the background.

Such a crazy journey. It's so nice to wake up here.

It's so weird. The beer is just over there. Like, honestly, this is weird.

I don't think anyone's home.

What the hell?

So I'm just going to take you to my old library.

Just a second.

This is so weird. It's kind of like going for a trip down memory lane

there are so many books here that I have not seen in ages.

What's all this? Oh yeah, it's over here.

We've got the flock book, which with a farm and all that and the family, you've

kind of got to learn about these things. But man, it's so weird seeing some of

these books. I haven't seen them in ages.

Here we go. A lot of chiclet in there.

Beautiful.

They bring back so many memories.

It's crazy.

I don't see any noise.

It's weird.

heard something.

It's kind of coming from this area.

It's so weird.

Oh, God.

What the hell?

That's, like, not even funny. What the hell?

Hilarious. Good one.

For fuck's sake.

my parents think they're so funny hilarious just fucking hilarious

um hi guys hi so

i'm still at my parents house and i'm just doing some work right so i've been

home a few days now and like mum's put this child this bear from my childhood

my room okay it's a really creepy bear like it's something weird you know like

it's real creepy um what's been happening i think my dad's been trying

me because he knows that i'm really scared of it right okay so hey or mum

maybe it's both of them i don't know um they're like putting the beer in weird

parts of the house it's giving me such a fright like and i don't like i can just

feel it watching me and i can just feel it watching me or watching me or

watching me It feels like I can't get away from it.

And... I kind of just wish it would stop pranking me. Like, it's not very

funny, you know? It's actually pretty scary.

It feels like I can't get away from it.

I know it's a bear.

I know. But, yeah.

Maybe someone's here. I don't know.

Hi. Hello?

I don't think anyone's here.

Hello?

Yeah.

Okay, it's just weird now. Like, I don't know.

What?

Oh, my goodness.

Did you guys hear that sound?

I think it was just the dog.

Hi.

Hi. What are you doing up?

What are you doing up, eh?

Did you hear it too?

I feel like there's someone here, but I don't know.

When are you doing it?

Was it you? Was it just you?

Is it what the sound was?

It beats the air.

Okay, I'm just going to go back to my room.

Because I don't think there's anything here.

Oh,

how

appetizing. A man who has faded to black and white.

I guess you can say he is the fish course.

I think he's a Dover soul.

See what I did there?

so I think it'll be interesting to see just how long it lasts because I don't

think anyone knows a lot at this stage but you need to remain

positive can

you please keep it clean and can you

please please please

Spray the air freshener.

He just never seems to clean up after himself.

Anyway,

as I was saying, we need to make sure that we're working together in this and

making sure that we're all staying positive.

So... I'm just checking in the fridge just to see what we have

because obviously we need to keep stocked up during times like this and I

noticed that there are quite a few things missing as per

usual but more annoyingly I noticed that there's no vegan cheese

which I assume been eaten rather annoyingly because the

guy is not even a vegan and he knows that this is the only cheese I can eat

particularly as he has yet to pay me any rent

for this month because he said he wouldn't be working so I

basically said he could pay the money when he had it

which is anyway

so

another day in lockdown and another day with

more issues around the house

Keith thinks it's absolutely fine to leave his washing up in the sink

for someone else to do. I'm not quite sure who

he thinks is going to be doing it. I'm certainly not.

And no doubt the empty plates were full of food that I bought for myself, which

conveniently disappears from the kitchen.

He's even taken to finding it necessary to move the

toilet rolls. The toilet rolls disappear from the bathroom, from the cupboard.

I'm not sure why he would take them. Maybe he thinks it's a bit of a joke. I

don't know. But no, it's not.

It's not very funny at all. So I will be having a word with him about

these.

this behavior basically, which is I'm not comfortable with

Certainly an experience I

don't want to go through again It

was a miracle that I actually got some sanitizer

seeing as they were pretty much out of everything today

We'll see how long that lasts, assuming no one uses them all up immediately.

Right, well that was very eventful.

It took me the best part of three hours to try and get some basic

shopping items.

I went to five shops in the end, five shops, and there's queuing outside the

shops.

It's ridiculous. And all these pillocks who are hoarding

all these items, toilet rolls. There's no toilet rolls.

There's no pasta.

There's no basics.

But there you go.

We've got two toilet rolls left.

I've put one in the toilet and I have hidden one because I know that it

will go missing if I leave it in there.

I don't leave it. It's Keith again. Keith, can you remember that we only

one toilet roll left?

So can you please be considerate?

Thank you.

I noticed that he didn't make an effort to go out because he says he's got no

money, so he can't. But it's OK for me to

do shopping for both of us, isn't it? Yeah.

So it's pretty late now, but.

I'm not really able to sleep because there are quite a lot of issues that are

going on in my head.

I did the shopping today, what I could get.

But when I came down this evening, I noticed that a lot of the items that I

bought had actually perhaps unsurprisingly gone missing.

Keith has either...

eaten them or perhaps he thinks it's it's funny to uh to wind me up maybe

them maybe put them somewhere that i wouldn't find them i don't know but it's

getting really really annoying now and i i really need to do something

because he doesn't listen to me he's taking advantage of my hospitality it's

house

It should be my rules, but it's not. It's not.

And what he's doing is he's getting to a point where I'm going to need to do

something. I'm going to need to do something desperate.

Well, another day on lockdown and I'm just about the end of my tether

with Keith.

his behaviour.

I don't believe it. He's in there again.

Keith, can you not use all the toilet roll?

I said, can you not use all the toilet roll?

I need a word. I need a word.

Well, I think I've... ...sold the toilet.

Fran

is

a keep -fit fanatic.

But she is about to get her cake and eat it.

It's the Great Bloody Bake Off.

Hello, so today I've decided to share with you the exercise routine I've been

doing every single day of lockdown.

I call this Fran's Fitness Plan.

It's a mix of cardio and ab work.

I think, you know, well this only takes seven minutes, so I think it's a perfect

amount of time to be exercising every single day without knackering yourself

completely. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Write that down on the top.

I feel pretty good.

Who knows where I'll be at the end of lockdown. I'll be

so much fitter.

especially when we're in lockdown and we're not going to the gym as much as we

can these protein shakes i'm hoping are really going to help me keep the best

shape that i want to be cheers hey guys so this

is my lockdown dating apps reaction video um i've never actually used the

dating app before so i'm quite intrigued to see what the fuss is about um

especially during lockdown it is actually our only way to meet people now

thought let's just do it see what happens okay

i'm in i've got my profile hey i was writing

an article on the finer things in life and i was hoping i could interview you

let's flip a coin heads you're mine tails i'm yours my coin landed like

ridgeside up i'm not

Oh, this guy's wearing a polo t -shirt. Oh, I thought we'd have those in primary

school.

No.

Are you a pandemic?

Because you've got my heart on lockdown.

What?

Is heaven your quarantine zone? Because you look like an angel. These are awful.

These are so generic. I don't think he's real.

This guy says he's funny, handsome and stupid.

Ugh. You can't play hard and work hard. If you say that... You're not doing

either hard enough.

I don't work very hard.

Oh, God.

So what I've got from this is that dating apps don't include... What I've

from this is that dating apps haven't improved since the lockdown started.

I've never actually used a dating app before.

And they probably seriously need to improve if this is how people are going

meet in the future and, you know, for the rest of our lives, maybe. So, yeah,

dating apps is a no from me.

So I was just watching videos on YouTube and I came across this advert for a

healthy chocolate cake.

And at first I didn't really think it would actually be healthy, but I've

at the ingredients and it looks pretty good.

I've decided today I'm going to bake a healthy chocolate cake.

So I'm ready to start baking my cake. I've got everything out, ready to go.

I've got a camera down here that's hopefully going to catch everything that

on the surface.

Let's do it!

Okay, so my first pad doesn't work very well.

It's way too runny, so I've got to start again.

So it goes into the oven for about 20 minutes.

try again so a bit of a problem after burning the second cake um

and the mixture that was too runny went down the sink i haven't got enough of

the cocoa powder

i've

been looking everywhere

this might be enough cocoa powder and

puppets um

this

is going to be the one looks pretty good i think

so here it is ready to go in so three attempts later my cake is finally

done um yeah we got there in the end i'm going to now have a

clean up because i'm in a mess and i should probably get changed as well

here it is cake fork

Oh my god.

This is the best cake I've ever had.

No question.

Oh my god.

This is healthy.

This is healthy, tasty cake.

So good.

Oh my god.

I'm very proud of myself.

It's got like a kind of musky flavour.

I don't even know what that is I've never tasted anything like that I don't

how much of this I might eat now but maybe one more slice

oh my god

so

I might have eaten

A bit more of the cake than I thought I was going to.

For reference.

I mean, it's healthy.

You only live once, right?

I think I need a long lie down.

Fran has lost the plot.

the plot has lost Ram I

mean the proof is in the pudding or lack of

I feel a bit weird

The cake... The cake is because I don't eat sugar.

I'm high.

I'm high.

Oh, no.

Mike is haunted by himself.

Or perhaps somebody else.

He's very sad.

I find that funny.

This little tasty offering will have us believing in ghosts.

As some of you may know, I

recently lost my wife

to the virus.

I thought it might be a good idea to start a video diary

to share my experience with you

because

I

need to do something I need to do something productive

you know

You know, this... This was meant to be our home.

You know.

Newlyweds moving into their first home.

And... I

don't know if you've...

I don't know if you've lost someone.

But...

Sometimes it's almost like she's still here, like, I can feel her.

So,

um,

thank you for, thank you for watching this and, um,

I will, um, I'll post

I'll post a video again soon.

3 .20am and I just

woke up because it

feels like someone is lying next to me in the bed.

to dance.

There's nothing here.

That's that.

Hello?

I

can

smell her.

She's here.

Is Molly living alone?

Just wait until she finds the truth behind her boyfriend's secret double

Revenge is sweet.

Perhaps there's afternoon tea on offer.

hold of the doctor but he won't prescribe it over the phone he needs

go in but Gareth said he's doing well so I'm just waiting for the doctor to just

hopefully do the prescription over the phone

I've tried to get a hold of my mum, my last ditch effort to get a hold of these

meds.

But even she is struggling to get a hold of hers.

There just seems to be short bits everywhere.

No one can get a hold of their meds.

Just tried like the fifth pharmacy.

They can't get a hold of his meds.

There's a shortage everywhere.

I don't know when we'll be able to get a hold of them.

He's probably playing games right now in the lounge.

You little fishies.

You reckon we're gonna get Daddy his mess?

Yes, please.

Dry hurry.

I love me

It's so stupid.

Yes, babe.

I'm just making your tea now.

Ready, darling?

Here we have Joan.

She is a reclusive.

I love these types of soul.

So innocent and juicy.

She is paranoid about everything.

But she is about to have the delivery from hell.

Hi everyone. My top tip today is a bathroom cleaning tip. And it's how to

into all those little...

crevices where your normal bathroom sponge can't get, what you need to use

one of these.

It's an old toothbrush.

My mum always taught me to hang on to old toothbrushes, so that's what I do.

What you need to do is give that a bit of a squirt around here. I'm just using

normal bathroom cleaner, but if you've got quite a build -up of limescale, you

can get a specialist limescale cleaner.

uh you can leave it to work for a few minutes or get stuck in straight away

then just get scrubbing with this old toothbrush and the little bristles will

get right in where your normal kind of bathroom sponge can't get so we're just

giving a good old scrub just rinse it down and i promise you it will look good

as new so that's my top tip give it a go

Hello, cleaning clan.

I would like to introduce you

to...

Hello,

cleaning clan.

I would like to introduce you to Felix.

Just some top tips for feather dusting. Now, Felix and I know that, yep, you

will probably normally go into the corner room, things like that, but what

sometimes need to remember, it's often forgotten, is you need to do the hidden

place that you can't see. For example, in my kitchen, along the top of the

spiders like going there as well. They think that we can't see them. It's true,

but we can get rid of the evidence that they've been there.

So don't forget, once you've done all the way along the edges of your room, go

into those hidden bits as well.

Don't forget things like the top of the door frames, top of the doors.

That's the top tip.

Just remember to feather dust where you can't see.

I'm a bit apprehensive about how much longer this lockdown is going to go on

because I am nearly out of all my cleaning products.

I've hardly got any soap left.

I've got about two squirts of disinfectant spray left in my bottle.

I've got about three wipes and that's it. And every time I go to the shops to

try and stock up, the shelves are empty.

How am I supposed to keep germs and this virus off me and out of my house if I

can't clean things?

Oh, and then yesterday, a parcel arrived and I don't remember ordering

anything.

Anyway, I've put it in the porch.

I'm not bringing it into the main bit of the house.

You know, I have no idea what it is. There's nothing on it to say where it

from.

I've been thinking you hear of these malicious people don't you that send

nail bombs and well what if somebody were trying to send me a virus bomb?

You know you're getting up with people like that don't you?

But then I was thinking I don't know anyone who dislikes me that much.

Except maybe Judy from work.

She's never liked me.

She doesn't hate me enough to want to kill me.

So it's been a few days since I last checked in.

And I'm pretty certain that this is the virus.

I've just got no... I've got...

I...

I'm really at a loss as to how I could have caught it though.

The moment of truth.

There's a card in here.

To my dear friend Toad, I know how much you love

keeping things big and fun.

Here are a few little pretties just to help you up yourself

and your house.

Who's asleep?

I love most of them.

But one or two gave me a little bit of indigestion.

But hey, inhale indigestion is nothing.

So until next time, my lovies, stay safe and be careful who you tell your

stories to.