Original subtitles

Good morning, Sex Ghosts!

Good morning, Dorothy!

Happy Immortimas Day!

Whoa!

Casey! I told you to use the front door!

Then how would you be the first person

I wish a happy Immortimas to?

Come on, let's get some breakfast,

before Cliff eats it all.

Morning, Dorothy!

Happy Immortimas Day!

Happy Immortimas Day!

Good morning, Sex Ghosts!

Have you had your morning fuck?

You know we did!

Holy moly!

This is the softest sweater in the whole darn world.

Look at us, we look fantastic!

You're being weird, stop stroking your sweater.

Vic! Welcome home! Detroit's finest is back!

Happy Immortimas all!

Deric sends gifts to unwrap.

Larry! Your sweater's getting cold!

And, you're missing all the fun!

Good morning, Keeg!

Happy Immortimas!

If only I had a uniform I could wear every day.

I wouldn't have to make these decisions.

Rita says we have to put up the Birth of Immortus display.

Come!

Why do I always get stuck doing the worst Immortimas Day jobs?

I wouldn't say stuck.

Seems kind of fun.

How do you stay so positive?

I can't help it. It's Immortimas Day.

The happiest day of the year!

Yeah.

Then why do I feel like something's off?

Maybe your inner self is trying to tell you something.

Hearing any voices in your head lately?

That'd be pretty weird.

Yeah, let's get to work.

- What? - What?

Nothing. Was that too much?

Were you saying something?

Sorry. Never mind.

I... I've got to, um...

Yeah!

Laura.

There is so much to do

before Immortus comes to dinner.

Well, if she comes.

When she comes, everything needs to be perfect.

Well, it will be, with you in charge.

We'll get it done together because...

You built a beautiful life with Malcolm...

and I destroyed it all.

Respectfully, I'm going to decline.

Friends.

The guest towels.

Well, well, fine. Yes.

I'll, I'll clear up then. No problem.

What the actual fuck!

Somehow Isabel's managed

to make this whole world about her,

and in this world, we all fucking sing!

Suffering suffragettes! Look and see...

Sweaty bollocks!

I'm in Isabel's musical fever dream.

Okay, that's Cliff.

- Jane! - Yep.

- Um, Rita. - Nice.

Me.

- You! - Hey!

- And Larry. - And who's that?

This is Papa.

I wanted him to be a part of the celebration,

because he's still here in our hearts.

Yeah, he is.

Immortimas was his favorite.

Man, did that guy love his ham.

How is the robotics club going?

Papa always loved robots.

Yeah. I mean, it's good. It's going great.

Sometimes I feel like I could be doing more.

Making a bigger impact, I don't know.

But what's bigger than helping your community

and doing what you love.

Maybe Immortus can help.

You can ask her at dinner.

You know, Immortus is a busy lady.

So, I just don't want you to be disappointed

if she doesn't show.

I can feel it, Vic.

She's going to come to dinner, I'm sure of it.

It must be nice to be so certain.

Well, I'm certain I want some hot chocolate.

- Yeah. - Papa always loved hot chocolate. Here.

Immortimas is the best.

I could spend the day with you

- and the family. - Yeah?

We get to see Isabel at dinner.

I'm so happy, I never want it to end.

Me too. Yeah.

C'mon.

C'mon. Okay.

Happy Immortimas, everyone.

Tonight I'm going to share with you

one of my favorite stories.

Cliffie?

What?

I'm just...

What? I'm... Not now. I'm busy.

Busy singing about your dick?

Singing! I'm singing.

What do you want?

Have you had any devious thoughts of late,

any underhanded sensations popping up?

What?

No, I'm just...

Okay.

- No. - Okay.

I can't believe I fell into the time hole

and met my destiny.

Your destiny too.

What the actual piss!

Laura.

Laura, I'm so glad I found you.

What do you think of this sweater?

I mean, are the lines flattering?

Yeah. I thought you...

Okay, um... Whatever. Um, I need your help.

Well, can it be quick?

'Cause I'm meeting my boyfriend?

- Your boyfriend? - I know, right.

Actually, it's kind of an amazing story.

We met under the craziest circumstances.

- But somehow it all worked... - Thank you. Stop you there.

Um, I'm going to have to be the Grinch here. Um...

I need to show you something.

What's with all the tissues?

- Casey! - Sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.

I, um... I just want to make sure that we're cool.

'Cause there was, like, a weird...

moment earlier... right?

Um...

What are you painting there?

Um...

I don't know.

This image has been in my head all day,

and it seems so familiar to me.

But I can't put my finger on it.

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's amazing.

If I had one note, I would say that...

it could use a little bit more color.

Okay, so I have, um, called you all here for a team meeting.

Larry, what is this?

I thought we agreed there'd be no theme this year.

If I had known we were dressing up as mummies,

I would have gotten out my old Sphinx costume.

Let Rouge explain.

Yeah. Okay, so I have called you all here for a team meeting.

- Unfortunately... - I'm sorry, you keep saying team meeting.

What team?

We really are back at square one, aren't we?

Um... Okay, this may be hard to believe,

but we are, in fact, a superhero team known as the Doom Patrol.

- Doom! - Doom! Watch out!

I'm going to "doom" you!

That's it. Yeah. Okay, settle down.

So we are currently in a fake, never ending holiday...

called Immortimas.

Laura, you dog!

Is this one of your classic Immortimas Day pranks?

She does this every year.

And now, she's got Larry in on it as well.

Classic Immortimas mummy prank!

No, it's not a prank.

She's being serious.

You aren't who you think you are.

Well, this is all very intriguing and very funny!

But if you'll excuse me,

I need to help Dorothy attend to the ham.

- Ooh! You do that. - Yes, that's a very...

It's a very good idea. Wonderful idea, Rita.

Casey, would you please join Rita in the kitchen?

It's the best way to help the team, right now.

- Anything for the betterment of the team. - Jolly good.

A, we're not a team. B, how come they get to go?

Okay, listen, you fuck knuckles!

We have a situation on our hands.

Happy Immortimas, everyone!

- Today, I'm gonna show... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

This is not what you think.

- I can explain. - No, no, no, Cliff.

It's about the...

Then never mind.

Okay. I'm no stickler for tradition.

But, W-T-F, Laura!

We always watch this one after dinner.

The point is, this is all bullshit!

It's a mirage! A cheap trick to keep us docile,

so we don't ask too many questions.

Now, with the help of Larry,

I was able to find out what was really on these tapes.

You keep asking me what I'm looking forward to

now that my radiation is contained,

but look at me.

I'm no longer of this world. I'm not human.

Even when I was human, I wasn't truly living.

I can't feel, I can't fuck,

I can't even take a piss, Doc.

All of life's pleasures have been stripped away.

Stripped away.

I didn't mean to.

I wasn't shoplifting.

I just wanted to try some things on. That's all.

Everything I have...

What the shit!

- This is all fucking fake? - Yes.

Well, why are you telling us this now?

Why didn't you wait until after Immortimas Day?

Because, Cliff, there is no after Immortimas.

There is only Immortimas Day forever!

Unless we can find a way out.

Hold on a minute.

How is all this fake?

This life, this holiday?

Like, Laura, we celebrate this every single year.

You know this.

No, Vic. We don't. It's all made up.

Just like you and Deric running a robotics club is all made up.

You are Cyborg. Formerly Cyborg.

You are a metahuman superhero.

Cyborg?

Yeah.

You are Cyborg.

Holy shit!

Rouge is right.

We gotta come up with a plan

to get out of this Hallmark Channel hell.

- Bingo! - What? Wait.

Why do we want to get out?

Larry, you wanna be a human, don't you?

You can take off all of this and you can let the wind

blow on your face and you can taste the ham.

Trust me. I would love to stay in denial

as much as the next guy. I've got a boyfriend here.

It's an illusion, bro!

Larry saying he has a boyfriend in this world,

is like you saying

your cam girl really cared about you.

Ginger was there for me.

None of that matters!

We're not safe unless I'm wearing these bandages.

Wait, I just remembered

you're a depressing fuck in the real world.

That's true.

Cliff! How can you be so selfish?

Selfish? Look who's talking.

I'm not the one who gave up my superpowers

so I could dick around with my high school friends.

- Fuck you! - Okay.

I feel like... Sorry.

I feel like we're losing focus here.

Bottom line, I'm down to get out of here

if it means I don't have to fucking sing.

- Shit on a clit! I thought you were with me. - Dude!

Okay, look, I'm gonna go tell Dorothy

the truth about this place,

and one of you needs to tell Rita.

Okay.

Are we ready to ruin Rita's happiness?

Me.

I know.

It was a shock to me, too.

Maybe you're looking at this wrong way.

Maybe we're all here, because it's what we all want.

For the first time, we're all together.

I mean, when have we ever celebrated a family holiday.

Are you saying that you wanna stay here?

What's so bad about that?

There is no way that this is what we all want.

And even if it is, we're not our authentic selves.

What does that even mean?

How could you want to leave when we have it all here?

Dorothy.

Vic!

Yeah?

Are you, um... singing?

Yeah.

Right.

Okay. Well, when you're done with...

It's lovely, but when you're done with...

With all of that, do you want to meet me at the bone tree

so we can discuss the, you know,

some sort of musical exit strategy?

Sounds good.

Okay, just... go back to...

Okay.

Dude!

What the hell are you doing, man?

What's it look like?

I just wanna feel the wind on my dick while I still can.

I gotta be interrupted by someone singing

a fucking power ballad.

Whoa!

Wait. Not done.

Vic?

You all right?

I don't know.

Okay.

You're taking this remarkably well. -

Yeah, I guess I'm just used to being ripped out of realities.

So, about our duet...

Yeah?

- I think you're great. - Me too.

- For you, I mean. - Sure.

What I mean is...

Well, now that I have my memories back,

it's not just me in this body anymore.

I'm just a bit all over the place right now.

Totally. Totally! Yeah, I get it. We're good.

Really?

Okay.

What's this?

Some sort of holiday role play? Kinky, I'm in.

- So shall I unwrap you or... - Please don't.

We need to talk.

No. Are you breaking up with me

in a mummy costume? Why?

Do you not want me to meet your family?

No, no. I want you to meet them.

This is who I really am.

And you, you're Mr. 104, the Combustible Man,

who can change into any element on the periodic table.

Remember?

Right. I remember.

I was wondering why my name was 104.

And, so what? How does this change anything?

I'd still love to meet your family.

Seriously?

No, no. We need to find a way

to escape Isabel's psychotic witchery.

But we're safe here.

I'm not about to blow up,

and I'm assuming you're not some radioactive purple man under there?

Stop! It's too dangerous.

That's exactly it, Larry.

We're not in danger here.

Hey...

we said we would find another way.

Maybe another way found us.

- Don't you want to be together? - I do.

I do. Just... not like this.

Not in a fake world.

Fake for whom? It's perfect here.

Okay, we'll stay.

All I wanted was to be beloved, Niles.

And now look at me, I'm a monster.

Why did you let me leave

when you were telling everyone else about all this?

You looked so happy.

I didn't wanna... ruin your perfect day...

again.

Thank you.

If we're being totally honest with one another,

I don't...

care that this is all fake.

You don't care that we live in a world

where at any given moment,

everyone might burst out into song

about the Midwest or... worse.

A clam bake?

I don't want to be a monster anymore.

Rita.

You were never a monster to me.

That's because in this friendship,

you're the monster.

Fuck it.

Hello?

Hey, kiddo!

Clara!

- Happy Immortimas! - Happy Immortimas Day, Dad.

- Rory says, "Hi," too. - Aw!

So, um... is everything good over there?

Everything's amazing.

You know, we wish we could be with you.

No, no, no, no. You sound amazing.

Okay, give Rory a big kiss for me.

- Love you, sweetie. - Love you, Dad. Praise Immortus.

Praise Immortus.

You fleshy fuck!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Okay, what's the plan?

I can't believe she's actually here.

Well, of course she's fucking here.

- I told you she'd come. - There's no time.

Okay. What are we gonna do?

- Drown her. - Poison her.

- Turn her into boron. - Turn the lights out and pretend we're not home.

Who wants deviled eggs?

- Hit her over the head with some ham. - Poison her.

But with ham, yes. Poison her with ham.

- Give her so much ham, she explodes. - Okay, no more bullshit!

Isabel is here.

Where do you stand? Stay or go.

- Stay! - Go!

Okay. And I'm a go.

All right. That was slightly less unified than I'd expected.

Wait!

We all know we're in some sort of fabricated existence here,

whether we want to stay or leave.

Whatever our differences, there is an almighty god at our front door.

A spiteful god who didn't think twice

of turning her most ardent worshippers into dust.

So, let's just take a breath.

She said...

All we need to do is get through dinner.

So, just shut your pie holes and put on a happy face.

Hello! I'm here! Where's my ham?

I didn't know there was a theme.

My goodness, this all looks divine!

Sit.

Now, let's see.

Shall we start the festivities

with a little Immortimas spirit?

How about we go around the table

And share what we're all grateful for?

I'll go first.

I'm grateful for... me.

This is fun.

Who's next?

Mister Mummy Man?

Well, um, I guess I'm grateful to be here with my family,

and to introduce them all to my boyfriend.

How sweet. And?

And... and for the...

The pleasure of worshipping you, Isabel.

Immortus!

Yeah.

Okay.

Can someone pass the ham?

Who's next?

Okay, I'll go next.

Immortus,

I am grateful that you were there for me in my time of need.

I needed to do a giant pish,

and you provided a wipe

for me to freshen up my fufu.

And for that, I thank you.

Except that this is Immortimas Day,

and you couldn't possibly know that, Rouge,

because there only is Immortimas Day.

Except, Willie-Wanks-A-Lot, this world isn't real.

Now you should know it was super easy to figure that out

because you didn't even try to hide

that this is an alternate reality,

or maybe you just suck at this.

Don't you all agree Rouge is the ultimate party pooper?

Don't you agree?

Yes,

Smelled that shit from over here.

- Yeah. - Party pooper.

Now, my question was,

what are you grateful for?

Sing out, Louise!

I have something to say!

Because Immortus,

I have so much to thank you for.

Lovely. Proceed.

We are all grateful for you, because without you,

we would not be the incredible people at this table.

I have to admit you've been a role model to me.

You've taught me what it means to be... an icon and a hero.

Thank you, Rita.

- Who's next... - I'm not done.

Your need for constant attention and adulation is inspiring.

Your hunger for perfection...

although a hopeless endeavor,

is almost as impressive as your lack of self-awareness.

And finally, and this is what I do admire most,

your ability to be an even bigger narcissist than I could ever be.

You think you're all powerful? You think you're all knowing?

Well, I know you because I was you.

And I don't want to be you anymore.

It is a sad, lonely, pathetic existence.

I see. And do you all agree?

Absolutely not!

Praise Immortus!

We all love you.

And Immortimas Day!

That's not what Rita means.

She's just tired.

That's just... It's the ham fumes.

- You know how it is. - Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, I agree with Rita.

- What the fuck? - Dude, let her speak.

I'm not sure this is what I want anymore.

Immortimas is just another prison.

It's another lie.

And I'm done lying to myself.

I'm 100 years old, for God's sake, and I'm still hiding.

I have never lived out in the real world.

I can't lock myself away anymore.

I need to go.

Then I'll go with you.

What?

So, that's three votes to leave Immortimas.

No, no, no, no, no. That... that's not what she means.

Dorothy loves Immortimas Day.

And... Who... who is this?

I'm just saying that... I thought I found a new adventure here.

A new experience.

Clearly I was wrong.

If I'm going to be a hero in the real world,

I need to see the real world.

No, come on.

Can't a... a human man catch a break?

I mean, she's not even with us.

What is your name?

I really wanted to stay here.

It's about as perfect as perfect can be.

Finally, someone saying the things that we all are thinking.

- But if I'm being honest with myself... - Fuck me.

It's another story being written for me.

You were right all along.

I don't want to live in a fake world either.

How can I know what I truly want,

when people keep rewriting my backstory?

How can I trust my feelings when I don't even know who I am?

I need to write my own story for once.

You wanna leave?

But you said...

I don't want you to leave.

He's not with us either.

That's four votes.

And I'm five.

So basically what we're trying to say is fuck you

and fuck Immortimas.

Move.

What are you gonna do, kill us?

I don't have to.

Son of a bitch.

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