Original subtitles

[breathing deeply]

[grunts softly]

[gasps]

Any change?

Nope, still asleep.

You found him?

Yeah, I think so.

You need back up?

No, no. I can handle it.

You need to be here to...

Could you just...

Could you give her a hug for me?

In case she wakes up before I get back.

You just concentrate on getting Keeg.

Then hurry home and you can hug her yourself.

["So Tired" by Crawlers playing]

♪ You made me colorblind ♪

♪ No masquerade to hide behind It's cold ♪

♪ To think I have no key Which could ♪

♪ Make or break me ♪

♪ So tired ♪

♪ To see your lights on ♪

♪ So tired ♪

♪ Of standing anxiously ♪

♪ So tired ♪

♪ It's the death of me ♪

♪ So tired of doors That keep on shutting ♪

♪ Why's your door always shut ♪

♪ Smitten ♪

♪ I close my eyes To your door ♪

♪ Smitten ♪

[gasps softly]

♪ I close my eyes To your door ♪

♪ So sad To think it's memories ♪

♪ And so tired of doors That keep on shutting ♪

♪ Smitten ♪

[train engine chugging]

[bell dings]

[song fades]

Are you fucking serious?

Which one of you bitches...

Okay. Okay, fine. I get it. [chuckles]

What I was doing was a little weird,

maybe it was wrong, and dangerous,

but like, Chinchillas do it and shit,

so like, really can it be... Is it really that fucking bad?

I... Fuck!

No.

Shit.

I know better, and I know things are all fucked up for us.

And you guys are right. Maybe I shouldn't be...

But that doesn't give you the right, though.

It just doesn't give you the right to just pull me down here

out of fucking nowhere without warning and just...

What are you talking about?

No one pulled you down here.

Sorry, what?

Yeah, you just showed up on your own.

Wait. What were you doing exactly?

Um...

Nothing. Yeah, nothing.

Just, um... Yeah, I was just...

[exhales]

Okay.

I'll see you guys later.

[engine revving]

[laughing] Oh, yeah.

It looks like the old girl still got some life left in her.

Yeah. I bet you will have her in tip-top shape before you know it.

[laughs] Easy now, she's still a bonafide hunk of shit.

But, um... [chuckles]

Thank you, Laura.

I think this is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.

Ah! After hearing you go on and on about your daddy issues,

your grand-daddy issues and your tactile sensations, how could I not?

I didn't realize I was going on and on about it, but...

[clears throat] Just saying that you know, the best cure for the body is a quiet mind.

Everyone deserves their own private slice of peace.

I hope she gives you many hours in which to lose yourself in.

[radio switches on, plays sprightly tune]

Holy shit!

The radio still works.

[screams]

So, what have you lot been up to?

Willoughby?

It's like that fuzzy little cunt said.

The whole world is abuzz with chatter.

Immortus is rising, and just like everything else in the godforsaken universe,

it all leads back to you lot.

Uh, who the fuck's Immortus?

Gather the others.

I'm not repeating myself.

What was that?

[groans softly]

Ageing spots?

[gasps]

No.

Oh, no.

Oh.

[birds chirping]

It's okay, bud. I can feel you. I'm coming.

[groaning]

What the...

Keeg, just... just hold on.

Oh, God.

By all means, just help yourself.

Top left.

[sighs] Finally.

Morning, princess.

Why do you look so sweaty?

I don't know, why do you look so boring?

All right. Something very big and very dangerous is headed our way.

[Cliff snorts]

I can assure you, it is far bigger, and far more dangerous

than anything you bellends have ever seen before.

- [Vic] Ooh. - "Bellend."

[all laughing]

I thought it was all just legend.

Tall tales...

about an ancient forgotten God.

But, as it turns out, Immortus is real. And it's coming.

We're wandering into the literal end of days as we speak.

Uh, actually, we took care of the end of the world last week.

Consider the butts wiped. Front to back.

I'm not talking about some arses with teeth!

This is an inter-dimensional deity

capable of swallowing the entirety of existence whole!

This could be the end of reality as we know it.

Oh, fuck me senseless and call me Martha.

The Immortus Project!

At the Bureau. I knew I'd heard that name before.

It was some kind of experiment, a pursuit of immortality.

But as I recall it, it didn't amount to anything, so.

Actually, that's exactly why I'm here.

Caulder always swore he had a piece of Immortus. I never believed him.

And yet here I am, amidst the results of his little pet enterprise:

The Immortus Project.

Well, except for you and tracksuit.

Wait, what do you mean by "results"?

You're the project.

A long time ago,

a piece of the fabled deity was procured,

passing through many hands in many shady dealings and backrooms.

Whispers proclaimed that it held the secrets of immortality.

Whoever adorned it would be gifted with an unnaturally long life.

That same piece came to be in the hands of one Eric Morden.

Mr. Nobody?

Exactly.

And he had it right up until he was shot

by the famous adventurer, scientist,

and certifiable bastard that we all know,

or rather, knew as...

Fuckin' Chief.

Had it around his neck for years.

That was, until he went all Honey I Shrunk the Kids

and he needed it to bail you out.

But before all of that, small pieces of the necklace

were shaved off and mixed in with the sugar, spice and all things nice

that make up Larry, Rita, Cliff,

and little miss manic pixie over there.

I mean, haven't you ever wondered

why you've looked exactly the same for decades?

Longevity. A la Immortus.

So what now? Immortus wants his pieces back?

Look at that. Quick as ever,

even without a super computer jammed up your arse.

[Vic] Mm.

There was a break-in at Horst Eismann's a few weeks ago.

Millions of dollars of bits-and-bobs

and the only thing that was stolen was the necklace.

Safe to say, whoever's working for Immortus now has it

and is looking for the other pieces.

And before you ask, yes.

The pieces inside of you can still be extracted,

like gold, or uranium, or a blackhead.

So, and this is the really important bit,

just so long as you don't lose your longevity,

the necklace cannot be reconstituted. And Immortus cannot rise.

So what does the extraction process look like exactly?

What?

Uh, well, you know, is it like someone getting sucked into their own filmography?

Or maybe, is attacked by a weirdo named Dr. Janus...

Who also happens to be an emotional vampire.

There are no depths to your collective stupidity, are there?

Come on, Niles, you crazy old bat.

There must be something.

Ugh.

[sighs]

"Fountain of youth."

"10 Ways to Stay Young and Keep Him Interested."

Ugh!

Ooh.

"Experimental." "Untested."

Hello.

[sighs] Let's see what you can do.

[both gasp]

Jesus Christ!

What the hell happened to your face?

I think we got bigger problems than that right now.

[all coughing]

- [Jane] What's happening? - [Rita] That's me, let go.

What is happening?

What the yee-haw fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Oh, my God! Look who's got metal back! [laughs]

Shut up, Hot Topic.

Yes! It worked! It actually worked!

Although, I can't recall the last time I wore...

Oh, my God. 1937.

That was a de-aging spell you...

Whatever the female equivalent of a dick-head is!

Clit-head?

Uh, well, excuse me.

If Cliff didn't rushed in like some brainless buffoon...

Hey! How is this my fault?

Hold up. Did you just say "de-aging spell"?

Yes, you daft cunts. We're all teenagers again. Duh.

Uh, that's bullshit 'cause we all pretty much look the same.

Do you feel the same?

[Cliff] Kinda. Except I also feel like pounding a metric ton

of Taco Bell and whacking off.

Do you need a mirror? 'Cause you still look like 1,000 years old.

Clearly, it's not a very good de-aging spell.

Probably why it was in a locked box

marked "experimental," "untested," and "dangerous."

By the way, aging works a little differently for Chaos Magicians.

How does your hairline not come in until you're at least a million?

Ha! Burn!

For your information,

teenage Chaos Magicians are notoriously folically gifted.

[gasps]

Wow.

- [laughing] - Wow.

[Cliff] Does aging work differently for bird-lady ottomans too?

Oh, no. I just... I held my breath.

Years old Bureau training kicked in.

"If you see a cloud of smoke, don't breathe, don't choke." It's simple.

No, no.

This is a Khepri hex. This is bad. Really, really bad.

Ah...

[gasps]

What the hell?

[officer] State your name.

Rama, sir.

[officer] Do you go by any other names?

Mr. 104, sir.

[officer] When and where were you born, Mr. 104?

1928, Tamil Nadu. In India, sir.

At the height of the British Raj.

What made you decide to move to London?

I wanted to study the physical sciences, sir.

Organic chemistry, specifically.

[officer] Is this truly your story?

I'm sorry, sir?

Everything you've just said to me.

Do you believe this information to be true?

Yes, sir. I swear, sir.

Remarkable.

Subjects, enter.

[buzzer rings out]

Mr. 104, you can begin with air augmentation experiment now.

Now, sir?

Commence with air augmentation, Mr. 104, as instructed.

- But they're... - They're Agents of the Bureau.

Everything that happens here is in service of our freedom, Mr. 104. They understand that.

- Yes, but... - Our nation's freedom is paramount.

Do you understand, Mr. 104?

Yes, sir.

Good. Begin air augmentation.

[Larry exhales sharply]

What the...

[agents coughing and choking]

[Larry gasping]

[breathing heavily]

[officer] Experiment complete.

Thank you, Mr. 104. That'll be all.

"Not Polly." We meet again.

[electricity pulsates]

[Larry] Keeg!

[grunts]

I understand you're confused, and you think I'm your enemy.

I just want my kid.

[gasping]

Please, just let him go.

You think I'm doing this on purpose?

I've been trying to get rid of him.

No matter what I do, he won't leave.

[electricity crackling]

[breathing heavily]

Once again my work has gone unappreciated.

Well, I for one think we all look fabulous.

Well, except for Vic.

But I'm sure,

um, when you get those things out of your mouth...

Will you just shut the fuck up?

I'm trying to find her.

I'm fucking stripped.

Oh, I can barely get this location spell to work.

Oh, of course. [clicks tongue]

Is it true your kind don't get your proper magic

till you've lost your virginity?

Dude! Your V-seal grew back?

And so what? Why should we fight this anyway?

We should be enjoying our time as virile youths.

Gross.

Except that we don't have any time at all.

You didn't stumble into any old run-of-the-mill youthification spell, Rita.

This is a curse.

And it'll keep on de-aging us. First teenagers, then children, then babies.

All the way back to that little spark in your daddy's eye.

And then, well, nothing.

[Cliff gasps] We'll be jizzified?

Ugh.

My old mentor, Ms. April.

She's the only one that I trust to help us out of this mess.

So if I can just have two fucking seconds of silence,

I might be able to find her teleporting tea room.

Right. So we can take you there to get your V-card punched. Nice.

That's not what I meant.

Ah. There she is.

Toledo.

Isn't that like two towns over?

Pedal to the metal, Cliff. Fast as you can.

[Cliff] Road trip! Woo-hoo!

[gasps softly]

[grunts]

[officer] Welcome back, Captain Trainor.

[Larry] Keeg. Keeg, stop this.

Can you hear me? Stop this.

[officer] Subjects, enter.

[buzzer rings out]

[Larry] No, no. Keeg.

No, no, no. Please!

Let me out! [grunts] Let me out!

Let me out!

Time is of the essence!

[Jane] Got it, Dad!

Hey, get me a hot dog.

Ooh, and a couple of Paydays. And some Takis.

- [Vic clicks tongue] - Fucking nerd.

Teen metabolism.

- So, BFF... - Ew.

Do you think we'd be friends if we were in high school together?

- Ha! - What?

- Weren't you like a popular kid or some shit? - So?

Whatever.

I wasn't even around back then.

I'm glad I skipped high school

and that whole "awkward hormonal stage" bullshittery.

Aw, come on! It's not all bad.

The "awkward hormonal stage" is kind of what makes a person who they are.

The chaos, the confusion, the lakeside fingerings,

the mistakes... All of it.

Really?

Drinking in playgrounds, and copping a feel

behind the bleachers made you who you are?

Yeah. Actually, I think some of that stuff saved me.

Hm.

- Anyway, speaking of hormones... - Oh, God.

I haven't forgotten about our little conversation...

[laughter]

Hey!

Come on.

Hey, Euphoria, can I get a hit?

Well, excuse me.

Can I have an introduction or something before we swap spit?

Yeah, I'm Jane.

- This is, Cliff. - Howdy?

[gasps] Love the Woodstock core vibes.

And the whole yassified cyber-cowboy thing.

Super cute.

- [Cliff] Uh... - [boy] Fuck yes, dude.

You look like my racist grandpa but, like, fresh as fuck.

[Cliff] Why, thank you, dude.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yeah, okay, cool. So, introduction's over...

- Ahem... - Oh, hold on.

We're actually in need of a little favor ourselves.

A six-pack of lite beer for these basic bitches

and a bottle of the finest brandy for me.

I bet your tall friend never gets carded.

What do you say?

- [Cliff] Okay. - [clears throat]

Yeah, whatever, sure, it's cool.

Wow, okay.

Actually...

- Okay. - [clears throat]

No.

After you, dear leader.

Rita...

[grunts] Rita.

I just wanna talk to you about this leadership thing.

[scoffs] If you think I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with you

while a used condom stares at me

from a broken diaper changing table,

you've got another thing coming.

[sighs heavily] This will all be over soon.

We'll go to Ms. April's and she'll fix everything.

I will be my ol' normal self, before Janus.

Did Willoughby say she could fix this?

The aging?

I just assume...

Okay, uh, you're gonna have to lower your expectations here.

Niles spent almost a century

searching for a way to stop the aging process.

There were experiments, expeditions,

you know, if there was an answer out there

that didn't have a hex attached to it, he would've found it.

But he didn't.

Rita?

Rita?

[Kipling] Where are you going?

Where she going?

Just go on, we'll catch up.

No. That's not the plan.

[indistinct chatter]

Fuck's sake, what now?

Heads up.

Yo, where's my Takis?

Takis? Interesting.

Enchante.

While you two were mucking around, we lost Rouge and Rita.

Oh, boo-hoo.

[Cliff] Yeah, that's too bad.

But, great news, our new BFFs,

Charlie, Jeremy and Winona

were just mentioning this super-cool party.

[Kipling] Are you out of your mind?

We're on a mission here, remember?

Immortus?

End of reality?

- [Cliff sighs] - [Vic] Man, why is this shit always on us anyway?

It's always, "You guys have to defeat the eye in the sky

or it'll delete everyone."

[Cliff] Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

That shit was fucking bananas.

That happened during our homecoming.

- Oh, my God, what? - [Cliff] Oh, shit.

- You're so right. - Shut up!

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, shut up!

We're getting in the car,

without the cast of Freaks and Geeks after dark.

We're gonna see Ms. April,

so I don't have to go back to my father's hairy gooch. You understand?

[Cliff grunting mockingly]

[coughs mockingly] Square.

Excuse me?

[hoarsely] Square.

[coughs mockingly] Square.

[all] Square. Square. Square.

Virgin. Virgin.

[all] Virgin. Virgin. Virgin. Virgin.

Fine! Fine!

We can go for five minutes.

- My man. - Yes!

[Cliff] Fuck, yeah!

[Larry] Let me out.

[grunts] Please let me go.

[officer] Begin experiment.

[Larry] No. Oh, please. Please. Keeg, stop this, please! No.

Get away from me. Get away.

We have to get out of here, please.

Please.

- [agents coughing] - [Larry] Oh, God.

Keeg. Keeg. Make it stop.

Please. No. Please.

Keeg, make it stop!

Make it stop, please!

[agents coughing]

[Larry] Keeg, make it stop.

Make it stop, please.

Please make it stop, Keeg.

[crying]

[exclaims] No! Get away from me!

- It's okay. - Don't touch me.

It's okay. Just breathe.

In and out.

Keep going.

[panting heavily]

I can turn my skin to lead.

You can't hurt me.

Just breathe.

["Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance playing on stereo]

♪ Another cog In the murder machine ♪

♪ They said "All teenagers scare The living shit out of me ♪

♪ They could care less As long as someone'll bleed" ♪

♪ So darken your clothes Or strike a violent pose ♪

♪ Maybe they'll leave you alone But not me ♪

Is this legal?

[Cliff] Not for long.

Who wants to put molly in my tank hole?

[all cheering]

[Cliff] Whoo! Yeah!

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

[exclaiming]

Loosen up, Taki boy.

Yeah, loosen up.

Oh, I can loosen up.

Prove it.

[scoffs]

Loose enough?

Booyah, baby!

[all cheering]

["Drag Me Out" by Kah-Lo playing]

♪ Doesn't anyone dance In this town no more? ♪

♪ Why am I the only one On the dancefloor? ♪

♪ The DJ's killin' it Drinks is poured ♪

[all] Chug, chug, chug, chug!

[Cliff] Let's do this.

[all] Chug, chug, chug!

♪ I like to get it started ♪

♪ I'm spendin' all my money ♪

♪ I'm not leavin' 'Til mornin' ♪

[all] Chug, chug, chug!

[all cheering]

♪ I don't like none Of y'all hoes, I'm bored ♪

[rock music playing]

Ooh!

Ooh! [laughs]

Holy shit.

Are you smiling?

Guilty.

Okay, we should probably get going now, right?

Shut up and puff.

It's Willoughby's. Wizard-grade kush.

[coughing]

Shit. [coughing]

I knew it.

Nerd.

What?

I just had a feeling you were a cliche, goody-two-shoes.

You know.

Teacher's pet.

Captain of the sports and shit.

Right, right. Yeah. [chuckles]

What were you like?

Actually I don't know.

Miranda was the teenager

and Kay shit me out of her brain way later.

So, I guess you could say this is my first experience in teenage-hood.

Nice.

So...

what's the verdict?

It's like...

a janky carnival ride that makes you wanna puke,

but also one you don't wanna get off.

Yeah, sounds like you're having a genuine experience.

Great.

So being a kid is just as complicated as everything else.

Yeah.

[sighs] But some things are simple...

Pure.

Friendship for instance.

[in unison] Detroiticons!

[Vic] When I was in middle school,

I made the most genuine friends I could've ever asked for.

All the complicated shit felt easier because of it.

Are these the friends you went to see the other day?

Yeah.

[sighs] It's just different now.

I left it too long, I guess.

Shit's fucked up.

Man, fuck that.

If I had even the smallest promise of a connection like that out there,

I'd do everything it took to get it back.

Yeah, well...

I got a few things on my plate.

You know, the Butts, Immortus.

Look, let me tell you something.

I'm starting to think

that the world's always gonna need rescuing.

But you gotta wonder...

when you're out there saving the planet,

who the fuck is recuing you?

You're so high right now.

I'm pretty lit, yeah.

- [both giggling] - You are so lit.

- But you're also very right. - Yeah.

Yeah. [sighs]

Thanks.

Yeah.

Adios, amigo.

Godspeed.

[music continues]

[music fades]

[ethereal music playing]

[thunder rumbling]

[water splashing]

Kay.

Kay.

I'm sorry.

I know I fucked up.

But what's new, right?

I should've known better.

I shouldn't even be thinking about her or anyone else.

And I definitely shouldn't be treating this body like it was mine.

I haven't even been around long enough

to see it...

grow...

how it's changed.

It's not mine.

It's yours.

It's always been yours.

I'm sorry.

It's our body, Jane.

- [rock music resumes] - [indistinct chatter]

Fuck.

I am super-high.

[sighs deeply]

Willoughby!

Jane?

♪ Am I talking to you Or am I talking to the drugs? ♪

♪ Am I talking to you Or am I talking to the drugs? ♪

Shit!

This is so unfair.

And of course you're perfectly fine.

You always are.

Rita...

The spell didn't work on me, I just...

saw myself as a teenager and I, I...

couldn't.

It was...

a horrible time for me.

A time I'd... rather forget.

So, I used my ability to change back.

But, um,

underneath this, I'm very much not fine, Rita, believe me.

Oh, that is so typical.

What?

You are such a control freak.

I'm the control freak?

I wish I had your power.

Then I could be anything, anyone.

I could disappear forever and no one would be able to find me.

Okay. It's... it's not that simple.

Whatever.

You know, a long time ago, when people found out about my power,

they didn't react the way you'd expected them to.

I lost a lot of them. People I thought that I mattered to.

And, you know, when people think about their teenage years,

they think about their first loves, staying out late,

dreaming big dreams...

but, for me it was different.

I think of that freckled-faced girl I used to be and I...

I have this...

like, burning,

piercing hurt...

right here.

My mother used to always say

that heartbreak stains the soul.

Well, I believe that to be true.

Except, for me, it's different.

It's...

like a void.

A chasm...

standing between me...

and any hope of finding a true, meaningful connection.

Maybe that's why I am the way I am.

Maybe by now, I'm the chasm.

What about me?

We used to be good friends, didn't we?

Rita.

When I felt alone

and lost, and like I didn't even know myself,

you're the one person that made me feel like everything was gonna be okay.

I miss that.

I miss you.

But things are different now.

You hurt me.

And I'll never have my best friend back ever again.

I miss you, too.

And I never stopped thinking

about how I hurt you and I am so...

so sorry, Rita.

I am.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about

how I... I hurt you, what I did to you,

to Malcolm, and the Sisterhood.

[sniffles] And I...

I don't deserve an ounce of forgiveness

and I never will.

[sobbing] I never will. I am so, so sorry.

I am so sorry.

[continues sobbing]

[Cliff guffawing]

Chug! Chug!

Cliff. Hey.

- Jane? - Yes, it's me, poop-bot.

- Oh, hey, Jane, what's up? - We have to go, now.

Um, who brought the little vibe killers?

[Cliff grunting]

It's cool. It's cool, they're with me.

Party on, party people.

Party on!

I know you're having a jolly old time

but we have to find Ms. April right now,

before this gets any worse.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

- Cliff, come on. - Leave me alone.

What is wrong with you? Why are you being so weird?

Because I am weird, Jane. Okay?

I am a weirdo.

Look at my hand.

Have you ever seen me without this stupid oven mitt on?

That's weird.

What the fuck are you talking about?

[scattered exclamations]

[Cliff] It's all right, guys. We're cool, we're cool.

I'm cool. We're cool. I'm cool.

What say we take this party to a new location?

Numero dos.

[all cheering]

Are you crazy?

You're gonna pick some burnout teens

to go party with over your actual fucking friends?

"Actual friends"?

You mean the "actual friends" who just want me to punch shit for them?

The "actual friends" who didn't even care to ask if I'm doing okay

when, clearly, I am not.

Party on, party people!

[all cheering]

Where the hell is Vic?

[knock on door]

Just pause it a second.

What the...

Derick... it's me Vic.

Vic?

[groans]

[groans]

That wasn't the first time I've seen it, you know, a piece of your past.

[Larry] Great.

It's actually quite illuminating.

[breathing heavily]

Seems to me you have a little guardian angel.

[Larry] You mean Keeg?

And the spirit before him.

I see you've been through a lot together.

[groans and gasps]

I joined Dr. Janus

because I wanted to stop causing suffering.

But here I am.

I'm a beacon for it.

What... what do you mean by "stop causing suffering"?

[exhales]

[grunts]

I'm trying to reverse my condition.

The things that my body can do, it's taking a toll.

There are misfires

from the changing compositions.

One day I might not be able to control it.

[Larry] What then?

A mass extinction event.

The only way I can stop it

is if I fulfill the pledge I made to Immortus,

and return their longevity.

[Larry] Immortus?

Pledge? What are you talking about?

Listen, I don't know what you've gotten yourself into exactly

but I've been around long enough to know a devil's bargain when I see one.

This doesn't sound right.

What wasn't right was us in that room being forced to kill over and over again.

Immortus can make that all go away.

Let me help you.

What?

What we went through,

what you're going through,

I get it.

I also think there's probably another way

that doesn't have to involve a pledge or violence.

There always is.

So...

Larry.

Rama.

- [grunts] - [gasps]

[both chuckle]

Really? So this was your plan all along?

[snipping]

What the hell?

What? Hey. No!

Larry!

Fuck! This cannot be how I die.

Oh, my God!

Can you just let me turn into a pile of splooge

without all the whining and screaming?

My, my, my! You have been a naughty little boy haven't you, Willoughby?

What are you doing here?

To rescue you, of course.

[Bunbury chittering]

Willoughby? What's going on?

[sneezes]

[Bunbury chittering]

[baby cooing]

[Bunbury chittering]

[baby cooing]

Bunbury, please.

Just take what you need and be done with it.

[Bunbury chittering]

[crying]