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The following
presentation is rated 18A.
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This presentation deals
with mature subject matter
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and contains scenes
with coarse language,
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nudity, sexuality, and violence.
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Viewer discretion is advised.
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NG OVER SPEAKERS]
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You know,
it's okay to cry, Ma.
8
00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:49,184
Diane was a big part
of your life.
9
00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:52,656
And that's not effectual
'cause she was such
a huge whale, but...
10
00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:53,658
You know what I mean.
Just let it all out.
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00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:58,014
[MARIA SIGHS]
12
00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:00,795
She's gone.
13
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:03,798
Just like that.
14
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,068
[SIGHS]
15
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:13,810
Know what always helps me
when I'm feeling down?
16
00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:15,729
-Mmm.
-Some food.
17
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:16,514
Maybe we should have
something to eat?
18
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:20,302
Yeah. I'll, I'll make
some pasta.
19
00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:22,694
No, no, no, no, no.
You know what, Ma?
20
00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:24,298
-Let me do it.
Let me make the pasta, okay?
-What? No.
21
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:26,088
Yeah, yeah.
Ma, sit down, please.
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00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:27,443
Let me do it, okay.
Come on.
23
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,176
-Come on, sit down.
-Oh, come... No!
24
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:32,794
Mama, sit down, okay?
25
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:35,525
I'm gonna make some pasta.
You relax, okay?
26
00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:38,527
I got this.
Ma, trust me, okay. I got it.
27
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:39,270
All right?
28
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:48,932
[CLATTERING]
29
00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:57,644
So how the fuck
do you make pasta?
30
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:01,214
Oh, my God!
31
00:02:08,737 --> 00:02:09,737
All right.
32
00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:10,865
This is gonna be, um...
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00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:14,087
...hard to hear.
34
00:02:15,744 --> 00:02:18,094
Yeah, even harder
to, to understand.
35
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,525
But I've never
lied to you, right?
36
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:24,488
Right?
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00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,579
Ma, you're freaking me
out here.
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00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:26,887
Just answer the question.
39
00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,452
Have I ever lied to you?
40
00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:30,109
No.
41
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:31,413
No, you have
never ever lied to me.
42
00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:33,717
-Good.
-Good.
43
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:36,029
Because...
44
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:39,770
...when I got
pregnant with you...
45
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,163
...I was a virgin.
46
00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:47,039
That sucks.
47
00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,035
No. I mean, I never had sex.
48
00:02:52,476 --> 00:02:53,216
With anyone.
49
00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:55,569
Ever.
50
00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:58,959
I was a virgin,
51
00:03:00,571 --> 00:03:03,491
and then I was
a pregnant virgin.
52
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:07,360
So, what are you saying?
53
00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:09,489
Sal...
54
00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:13,447
...you're the Second Coming.
55
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Of what?
56
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,810
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
57
00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,058
Ma.
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00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:02,021
Ma, are you sure,
59
00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:04,641
that you didn't, like,
sit in a pile of sperms,
or something like that?
60
00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:06,122
'Cause, listen,
that's what Vince's cousin,
61
00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:07,332
Eric said happened
with his girlfriend, so...
62
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,771
What I'm sure of is
that it's a miracle.
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00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:12,603
You ask Father Luke.
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00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,337
[SCOFFS] I'm not gonna
ask that nerd anything.
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00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:16,168
Because it's time.
66
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,906
You know what it is, Mama?
It is a bad time, okay?
67
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,736
I got so much
going on right now.
You don't even know.
68
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:20,964
My house flipping business,
for starters.
69
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,703
Oh, come on, Sal.
70
00:04:22,784 --> 00:04:24,534
Now it's a house
flipping business.
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00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:25,832
Before that it was
a limo company.
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00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,787
Then it was a food truck.
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00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,526
And then you wanted
to be a carpenter.
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00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:30,397
You wanted me
to be a carpenter.
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00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,097
I wanted you to be something.
76
00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:33,144
Ah, so that's what
this is all about then, huh?
77
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:34,449
I could drop dead tomorrow.
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00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,095
That's not gonna happen,
so don't say that.
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00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,888
That is why
I had to tell you today.
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00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:40,114
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
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00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:41,632
Okay, so what?
82
00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:44,496
You want to go around
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00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,498
telling people
I'm the Second Coming?
84
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:48,810
And, what, fuckin'
high-fiving lepers and shit,
85
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,897
just rocking long hair
and what?
86
00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:52,766
You gotta save the world, Sal.
87
00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,287
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
88
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:55,561
I gotta save the world, huh?
89
00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:56,693
[LAUGHS]
90
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,516
How, Ma?
91
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,392
By doing good deeds.
92
00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:01,614
And getting followers.
93
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:03,479
You're serious?
94
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,131
Ma, you can't...
[STAMMERS] You just...
95
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:10,179
You can't believe this, okay?
96
00:05:10,266 --> 00:05:12,006
Would I still be a virgin
if I didn't?
97
00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:13,624
Oh, come on,
you're still a virgin.
98
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,754
You remember when
you met Mike Foligno
99
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:17,487
and you refused
to wash your hand?
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00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:18,928
It's that with God
and my vagina.
101
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,544
Oh, come on, Ma!
102
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,414
-I know I'm your mother,
but I'm also a person.
-No, no, no!
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00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,886
You know, a female person.
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00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,845
I can't handle this, okay?
105
00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:27,284
I just... I can't. I'm sorry.
106
00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,158
I know helping people has
never been your strong suit.
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00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,773
What? How about, uh...
108
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,383
Nicky Garcia?
109
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,206
Are you kidding me?
110
00:05:38,294 --> 00:05:40,734
I helped that kid lose
over 100 pounds,
Ma, okay?
111
00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:43,338
I had to be on him too,
112
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,910
every single day about
what a fat fuck he was
until he lost that weight.
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00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,997
The kid shot himself
at prom, Sal!
114
00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,866
[MARIA SIGHS]
115
00:05:49,958 --> 00:05:50,608
What, do you think I had
something to do with that?
116
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,178
Jesus!
117
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:53,444
[INHALES SHARPLY]
118
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:54,567
-[SOBBING]
-Ma, don't cry.
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00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,527
Ma, stop crying.
120
00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,658
Ma, look, come on, Ma.
121
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:02,620
I'm sure Nicky is
in a better place now, okay?
122
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:05,450
I bet you Nicky is up there
in heaven with Diane
123
00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:07,369
and just eating
deep-fried pizzas
124
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:08,804
and rolling around
in doughnuts
and stuff like that.
125
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,540
That's not why I'm crying.
126
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:12,981
[SNIFFLES]
I'm crying because...
127
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:16,848
It wasn't easy being
a single mom, you know.
128
00:06:16,941 --> 00:06:19,861
I know. But, Ma,
you did a great job.
129
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:22,084
I mean... Look at this, Ma.
130
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:22,734
You did this, huh?
131
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,116
[SOBS]
132
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,820
Ma, you know I can't stand
disappointing you. Okay, so...
133
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:31,775
If, if you think
I'm the Second Coming...
134
00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:33,039
You are the Second Coming.
135
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,400
Okay and that's what
I'm gonna be then.
136
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:41,965
Okay?
137
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:42,843
Yeah?
138
00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:45,746
-You all done crying now, Ma?
-[CHUCKLES]
139
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:46,710
Yeah? All right.
Come here, Ma.
140
00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,097
Okay.
141
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:50,150
Oh, I need to wash this.
142
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,715
Yeah, I know.
I was at Colesons' last night.
143
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:53,543
It smells like an ashtray
full of perfumed
moth balls, huh?
144
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:54,370
Ugh!
145
00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:56,423
[SIGHS] Okay.
146
00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,080
What the fuck?
147
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:11,685
[INHALES]
148
00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:15,352
[EXHALES]
149
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:22,138
SAL: You don't believe it
though, do you, Vince?
150
00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:24,014
No.
151
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:25,915
-You?
-Fuck, no!
I mean, come on.
152
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,360
Can you imagine
the Second Coming of Christ
153
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,357
with second coming
Sudbury of all places?
154
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,969
Yeah, I would have thought,
maybe Paris.
155
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:32,579
Maybe Tokyo.
156
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:33,929
-NYC, bro.
-Yeah.
157
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,978
-Boston.
-Rome.
158
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,334
-The Vatican.
-Jesus was Italian.
159
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,723
No. He was a Jew.
160
00:07:38,806 --> 00:07:39,976
[CHUCKLES]
161
00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:40,758
This guy...
162
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:45,936
You know, if it was true...
163
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:49,378
If I knew who my dad was...
164
00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:51,989
Yeah.
165
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,260
You could stop thinking
that he left 'cause
he felt suffocated
166
00:07:55,344 --> 00:07:58,484
and he abandoned you
because you were
a burden on him...
167
00:07:58,565 --> 00:07:59,775
You know,
you're a burden sometimes.
168
00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:01,440
If anyone who abandoned you,
169
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:02,574
that's neighborhood kids
trapping suffocate you, huh?
170
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:03,216
How's that sound?
171
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,350
-I'm sorry, man.
-[SOFTLY] Fuck.
172
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:11,445
You don't think, I, uh...
173
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:15,763
...had anything to do with
Nicky Garcia shoot himself,
do you?
174
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:17,979
He named you in the note.
175
00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:21,331
That's fuckin' news
to me, bro.
176
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,293
I mean, if you're Jesus,
177
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:26,854
I am not Judas. [CHUCKLES]
178
00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:30,812
What'd you just say?
179
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,381
I said, like,
if there's a Judas
in the story,
180
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,598
then that's not me.
181
00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:36,388
Yeah, but if you
don't believe it,
why would you even say that?
182
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:37,652
I'm not... I'm...
183
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:38,654
You're making me
very uncomfortable here.
184
00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:40,775
I'm sorry. I don't believe it.
185
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,348
I'm just saying
that I'm you're
the Second Coming...
186
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,834
First of all,
I don't think you got
anything to worry about.
187
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:45,484
No. I'm a stud.
188
00:08:49,137 --> 00:08:50,137
So, Judas...
189
00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:57,536
You got a few things
you should worry about,
you know.
190
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,584
-I know.
-Like my devastating left
and my thunderous right.
191
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:04,807
I wish we had company.
192
00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:05,592
Is that a bet
you want to make, Vince?
193
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:09,505
VINCE: So, what's
the end game here?
194
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:12,554
Do something nice for him
195
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:13,639
and hopefully get my mom
to stop crying.
196
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,338
Can I help you guys?
197
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:20,555
Yeah.
198
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,517
Yeah, my friend and I...
Well, mostly me if I'm being
honest, we, um...
199
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:24,905
We want to buy you lunch.
200
00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:26,995
Now?
201
00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:28,738
No. Sometime, when
you're not busy at work.
202
00:09:28,829 --> 00:09:30,479
You got money?
203
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,610
This fuckin' homeless guy
is asking me if I got money!
204
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:32,531
Yeah, I got fuckin' money.
205
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,790
-All right.
-What the fuck, bro?
206
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,231
I'm sorry, did you say
breakfast or lunch?
207
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,967
What's the difference?
208
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,759
Well, lunch is a blow job
and breakfast is a handy
with once around the rim.
209
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,024
-Once.
-What's dinner?
210
00:09:45,106 --> 00:09:46,626
-Vince!
-Full service.
211
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,406
-He'll stick with lunch.
-You're the boss.
212
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:49,550
I just want to buy you
lunch bro, okay?
213
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,156
Like a real lunch.
214
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,031
Stop being a fag,
get your dick out.
215
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,807
-No, no, no! No, no.
-HOMELESS GUY: Come on!
216
00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,081
-He's strong!
-Stop being weird.
217
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,303
-[SIRENS WAILING]
-No!
218
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:01,952
Fuck, buddy! Vince!
219
00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:02,596
It's easier if you
pull your dick out.
220
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,518
FATHER LUKE:
You finally told him!
221
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,167
-Maria, this is what
we've been looking for.
-[SIGHS]
222
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,700
-Oh...
-This is amazing.
223
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,444
No, it isn't.
224
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:13,964
Oh, of course, it is.
225
00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:14,918
Why would you think otherwise?
226
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,785
Oh, because
227
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,357
Carmela Russo's son
Rocko is getting married.
228
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,494
-And?
-And he has Down Syndrome.
229
00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,187
-Maria!
-Oh, don't, okay.
230
00:10:23,274 --> 00:10:24,714
Look, I think
it's wonderful, beautiful,
231
00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:26,408
and I cried
when I found out, okay?
232
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,625
And as much as I believe,
233
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,665
-Down Syndrome kids can do
everything other kids can do.
-Look, Maria, please,
234
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,680
can you stop before
you say something
you're going to regret?
235
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,372
Mine should be beating him!
236
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,159
Maria,
Ten Hail Marys, right now.
237
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,814
-Oh, five.
-Eight, final offer.
238
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,728
Fine. [SIGHS]
239
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:42,643
Oh, Sal didn't even
finish high school.
240
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,909
He's allergic to peanuts.
241
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,042
What does that have to do
with anything?
242
00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:49,344
You really think that
the Second Coming would
have a peanut allergy?
243
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,431
He can't even make pasta.
244
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,310
If, if I die tomorrow,
he's fucked!
245
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:56,352
Best case scenario,
he starves to death.
246
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,088
Best case.
247
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,436
The Bible even says,
248
00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:03,709
that the Second Coming
will come in all His glory.
249
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,843
-Okay.
-And everybody will know
and see it.
250
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:06,666
I understand.
251
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,451
Yes, it's true.
252
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:13,799
Sal is not exactly
Hollywood Jesus.
253
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:16,240
But the Bible
isn't a manual, okay?
254
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:18,237
This isn't science,
this is real.
255
00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:20,589
But what about the glory...
256
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,640
We have to prepare him
for the glory.
257
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,375
That's where
the good deeds come in.
258
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,636
So that when the glory
finally arrives,
259
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,909
he and everybody
that he has helped
260
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:30,992
will finally see it
and know it.
261
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,431
-Easier said...
-Maria, please.
262
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:35,088
You can't have doubts now.
263
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:38,002
Not you,
you're the virgin mother!
264
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,918
You really believe
that the world
is gonna buy this?
265
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,883
Of course they are!
266
00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:45,012
The world is constantly
seeing Jesus in toast,
267
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,355
in water stains.
268
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,875
-[SCOFFS]
-And we have proof.
269
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:52,710
Three doctors confirm
your virginity.
270
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,759
The Armenian one said
your hymen was
271
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,064
[SWALLOWS]
thicker than a vault.
272
00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,501
You remember my accident?
273
00:11:59,588 --> 00:12:01,198
And what of it?
274
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,585
Yeah, I still
don't remember it.
275
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,163
I remember leaving the house
276
00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:08,077
and then waking up
in the hospital,
277
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,252
and a couple of months later,
278
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,598
I was pregnant.
279
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:16,778
Well, I'll tell you
what I remember about it.
280
00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:20,736
I remember that the doctors
said it was a miracle
that you survived.
281
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,347
God didn't just save
your life that day,
282
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,220
God gave you new life.
283
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,436
That accident isn't an
explanation of anything.
284
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:30,793
It's proof of everything.
285
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,538
It was just a fuckin'
fire truck, you pussy.
286
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,576
-I'm not a pussy.
-You are a pussy.
287
00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:41,201
I'm not a pussy.
I have Generalized
Anxiety Disorder,
288
00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:42,672
thank you very much.
Big difference.
289
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,070
What are you doing?
290
00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:46,105
I'm making a wheelchair.
291
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:49,509
How do you figure?
292
00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:52,384
I collect tabs for a charity
293
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,687
that recycles them
into wheelchairs.
294
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:58,263
And I thought I made
dumb decisions.
295
00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,342
-Right.
-VINCE: It's a fine decision.
296
00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:03,831
Oh, anyways,
thanks for lunch, guys.
297
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:04,523
Hold on, buddy.
Where the fuck are you going?
298
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,045
What do you want?
299
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,345
Um, like, a fuckin' bit more
gratitude would be nice,
for starters.
300
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:12,661
Look, I'm grateful,
301
00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:14,448
but if you think
you're the first guy
that bought me lunch...
302
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,410
You want more, do more.
303
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:22,449
VINCE: Been a while
since I've been here.
304
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,540
They all look like they're
getting tested, and stuff.
305
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:26,719
Why don't you just
shut the fuck up
and get jerked off, Vince!
306
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,196
Would you believe I've never
been to a rub and tug before?
307
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:30,846
Well, you smell like shit
and you don't have a home,
so, of course I would.
308
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:31,590
Fair enough.
309
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:33,598
Okay, so pick one.
310
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:35,821
I like that one.
311
00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,301
She's got a mean face.
312
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:42,335
Well, what about
Rita over there,
she's got great fun bags
313
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,870
and she has little hands too.
314
00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:45,693
Uh, those are nice, but...
315
00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:46,431
I like her.
316
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,615
-Now you gotta be prepared.
-Mmm-hmm.
317
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,713
Because she's gonna
try and upsell you, okay?
318
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,972
Nude, topless, nude reverse,
which is pure cock-torture.
319
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:02,186
Then she's gonna hit you
with the body glide,
320
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,706
and that's only worth it
if she lets you finger her,
321
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:05,279
but the bottom-line is,
322
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,496
I'm not paying
for any of it, okay?
323
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:08,975
So if you want her to do
more than burp your baby,
324
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:09,755
you gotta cough up
the dough yourself.
325
00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:11,755
I'm just nervous.
326
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:14,243
SAL: What's going on, Nicole?
327
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,902
-Can you lie down please?
-Mmm-hmm.
328
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,857
So me and this guy
and my other buddy,
329
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,596
we just got the best
porchetta sandwich
in Sudbury.
330
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,337
If you want
I'll take you sometime.
331
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,948
No, it's okay.
I can afford
my own food, thanks.
332
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,780
All due respect,
the fuck's the matter
with you?
333
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,909
You come here more than
any other regular.
You know that, right?
334
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:32,781
-Yeah, it helps me unwind.
-Mmm.
335
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,312
Oil or powder?
336
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,345
Oh. I don't know
if I really need...
337
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,010
SAL: Go powder.
Oil makes you come
like a bastard.
338
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:40,314
-Okay, powder.
-What the fuck's
the matter with you?
339
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:41,751
I want him to get his
money's worth, what the fuck's
the matter with you?
340
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,103
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
341
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,760
Oh, my God.
342
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,585
-Do you even have a job?
-No, not really. I'm homeless.
343
00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:53,153
Me... I'm an entrepreneur.
344
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,980
So, no.
345
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,198
Why even ask me out
if you can't pay for it?
346
00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,456
Don't flatter yourself.
347
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,638
I wasn't asking you out,
348
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:00,994
I was just telling you about
this wicked sandwich I had.
349
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:04,506
-But if you did
wanna go out...
-I don't go out with clients.
350
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:05,989
Yeah, but I'm not your client.
351
00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:07,649
Yeah, no shit.
And who the fuck brings
a homeless guy
352
00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:09,952
to a rub and tug?
353
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:10,779
Oh, it sounds like it had
something to do
with his mother.
354
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:13,646
-Hey, that was private.
-Oh, so he's a weirdo.
355
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,778
Since when does a weirdo
want to make
your mother happy, huh?
356
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,611
Since I'm jerking off
a fuckin' hobo!
357
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,439
Quite aggressively,
I might point out.
358
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,827
It's called being nice.
You might want
to try that sometime.
359
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,491
-You're an idiot.
-Okay, it's starting to hurt.
360
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:24,924
I should have gone with oil.
361
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:25,791
Shut up.
I'm trying to finish you.
362
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:28,491
Okay, but, ow! My penis.
363
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,149
Take it easy, okay.
You may rip the thing off.
364
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,323
Oh, really?
You could do better?
365
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,798
-Actually, yeah.
-But no, though, right?
366
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:34,319
-You shut up!
-[SPITTING]
367
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:38,683
-[HOMELESS GUY MOANS]
-You're a real fighter,
aren't you?
368
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,773
-Yeah.
-SAL: Oh, I get it.
369
00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:43,032
You are mad because
I never picked you
to jerk me off, right?
370
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:44,546
Get over yourself.
371
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,339
-Everyone freeze!
-Oh, fuck!
372
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,563
-Hey, Sal.
-Hey, what's going on?
373
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:48,822
[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.
374
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:50,084
Oh!
375
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,036
Boom goes the dynamite!
376
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:52,815
That was the one.
377
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,165
Oh, thank you, miss.
378
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:56,348
Thank you.
379
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,833
Thank you, Sal.
380
00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:59,783
Officer Jacobs,
good to see you.
381
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:02,481
Sorry about all the cum, guys.
382
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:05,360
FATHER LUKE:
That's right, folks.
He is here!
383
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:06,622
But he won't look like that!
384
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:12,363
For one, he won't be on
a cross, so that's different.
385
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:15,099
And he won't be the
Holy Trinity of handsome.
386
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:17,241
Bearded, beautiful, blue-eyed.
387
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,019
He won't be that.
388
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:23,332
He might be very tall.
389
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:26,938
He might even be
a little bit slovenly.
390
00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:29,948
He might get on your nerves.
391
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:35,084
He might even drink a bit.
392
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,561
Confusing that God would
choose him, really.
393
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:39,609
He might be black.
394
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:40,964
No, he won't be black...
395
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,043
[CLEARS THROAT]
396
00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:43,571
[CHUCKLES]
397
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:45,224
[STUTTERS ] I'm saying
that he can't be...
398
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,308
It's just he,
he won't be this time.
399
00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,137
But, uh, good question though.
400
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,135
Thank you, Mabel.
401
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:50,966
Folks.
402
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:53,967
He might be an ass.
403
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:56,673
Because he's testing us.
404
00:16:57,886 --> 00:17:00,886
He's testing our faith.
405
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:03,886
'Cause that's what
this is about.
Faith, not facts.
406
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,939
Facts are for cowards
407
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,375
and faith is for the strong.
408
00:17:08,462 --> 00:17:09,642
So I ask you...
409
00:17:11,291 --> 00:17:12,421
Are you strong enough?
410
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,170
And if you are,
411
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:19,732
I want you to answer
loud and clear
412
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:20,821
and strong.
413
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:23,779
But not with your mouths,
414
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,000
but with your hearts.
415
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,313
And your wallets.
416
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:30,921
And the collection plates.
417
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:32,915
MAN: All rise.
418
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,142
[SAL SNICKERS]
419
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:40,762
...
420
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:46,112
There he is,
Mr. Salvatore Camilucci.
421
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:46,845
How are you?
422
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,806
Oh, shit.
423
00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,325
Yeah, from high school.
424
00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:53,809
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Jason, right?
425
00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:55,468
Daryl... It was Daryl.
426
00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:56,812
-With the big pool.
-With the big pool.
427
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,251
-Yeah.
-We had some
killer parties there.
428
00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:00,078
Yeah.
429
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:01,946
And I'm sleeping with
my girlfriend Kathy and...
430
00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:02,687
We had a lot of fun.
431
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,427
Sorry about that.
432
00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:07,219
No. No, dude. No, no, no.
I should be thanking you.
433
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:08,483
-She's huge now.
It's embarrassing.
-Oh.
434
00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:10,125
Dodged a bullet.
435
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,269
And that's why I saw
your name on the public
defender's list,
436
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,092
I was, like,
"I got to take the case
for this guy."
437
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,440
-Really? You got me?
-I got you.
438
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:16,789
-Yeah.
-Payback.
439
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,358
-I appreciate that, man.
Thank you.
-It is payback.
440
00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:20,005
-Okay.
-Yeah, yeah.
441
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,099
Uh, remember Vince
from high school?
442
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,408
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-He was with me...
443
00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,633
Oh, yeah.
He's fine. He's fine.
444
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,323
He ended up getting charged
for police evasion
and indecent exposure
445
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:29,761
'cause he was running
down the street
with his dick flopping out,
446
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:31,067
-but he's okay.
-Classic Vince charges.
447
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,683
-Yeah. Is it?
-Yeah.
448
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,553
[CHUCKLES]
449
00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:36,068
You want to talk
about the case?
450
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:40,596
You remember Nicky Garcia?
451
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:45,119
Yeah.
452
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:47,301
You don't think I had
anything with what happened
to him, do you?
453
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:49,387
-You? No.
-Yeah.
454
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:50,776
-No, man. Absolutely not.
-[SIGHS DEEPLY]
455
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,703
I mean, he did, but I didn't.
456
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:55,962
How'd you know that?
457
00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,137
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
458
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:01,705
He was wearing
your football jersey...
459
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:02,712
-Oh, fuck off!
-Yeah.
460
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:07,580
How are you gonna plead?
461
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,019
Guilty.
462
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,535
Guilty, why?
463
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:12,588
Why would you plead guilty?
464
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,415
Sal, I remember
back in high school
465
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,463
when that drunk driving
display was parked
out front...
466
00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,418
-Yeah.
-Remember what you did?
You stole it.
467
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:21,727
-You sold the parts.
-I was drunk driving
when I sold it.
468
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:23,952
Drunk driving. Yeah.
469
00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:25,862
And remember when
the guidance counselor,
470
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,857
he was like,
"Hey, I want to put Sal
in that special school."
471
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,600
-Fuck, yeah.
-You did what?
472
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:31,951
-Help me out.
-I did sex with his wife.
473
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,130
Um, you did sex
with his wife.
474
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,087
-That's what
I'm talking about.
-Yeah, yeah.
475
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,605
Where the hell's that guy?
476
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,128
What do you mean?
He's still here.
477
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,661
Sal "fuck the world"
Camilucci?
478
00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:41,794
Fuckin' the world
on regular, buddy.
479
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:44,396
Is he?
480
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,837
I mean, I don't know.
Because, I mean...
481
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:50,494
That guy didn't really
back down from a fight,
but I mean, that's okay.
482
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,500
JUDGE: Next up,
Salvatore Camilucci.
483
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:53,672
Now, come on, buddy.
484
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:54,537
Salvatore Camilucci.
485
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:55,628
Come on.
486
00:19:57,892 --> 00:19:58,722
MAN: How do you plead?
487
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:01,464
Not fuckin' guilty!
488
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:04,732
All right.
Officer, take him away.
489
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,162
-Your Honor. Sal. Sal.
-I did it, bro.
490
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:07,508
What the fuck?
491
00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:08,897
-Hey, hey, hey!
-Don't worry. I got it.
492
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:09,600
SAL: Fuck!
493
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,170
Oh, I fuckin' hate that guy.
494
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:21,046
-Partheno...
-Parthenogenesis.
495
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:23,092
It's a form
of asexual reproduction
496
00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:25,698
where an embryo is fertilized
without intercourse.
497
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:28,489
And that can happen in humans?
498
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:30,005
Theoretically,
anything can happen.
499
00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:31,578
Huh.
500
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,885
Can you get pregnant
by sitting in a pile
of someone's sperm?
501
00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:39,802
I'm sorry, a pile?
502
00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:42,240
Or whatever
the medical term is.
503
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,808
It's just sperm,
regardless of the quantity.
504
00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:46,975
And parthenogenesis is
probably more likely
505
00:20:47,071 --> 00:20:49,291
than getting pregnant
by sitting in it.
506
00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:53,078
Like the story
of the virginal conception
from the Bible, right?
507
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:54,254
Well, that's just it,
it's a story.
508
00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:59,130
Well, well,
are you saying that
that didn't happen,
509
00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:01,704
or, or, it couldn't happen?
510
00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,912
Maria, I really
don't think I'm...
511
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:06,701
Well, just tell me
if it's possible for a virgin,
512
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:08,697
like, who's never had sex,
513
00:21:08,789 --> 00:21:11,569
like Mary from the Bible,
to get pregnant
514
00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:14,491
in a way that has nothing
to do with God or miracles?
515
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:19,669
In theory,
stranger things have happened.
516
00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:21,796
Probably.
517
00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,759
-Partheno...
-Parthenogenesis.
518
00:21:27,721 --> 00:21:28,591
[BUZZER SOUNDING]
519
00:21:34,510 --> 00:21:35,290
Andrew.
520
00:21:36,425 --> 00:21:37,165
Sal.
521
00:21:39,254 --> 00:21:40,264
-What are you doing here?
-[CLEARS THROAT]
522
00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:43,261
The court stenographer
called me.
523
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,995
Don't worry. I'm here to help.
524
00:21:45,086 --> 00:21:46,166
How can you help me?
525
00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:47,221
Please, how can you help me?
526
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,996
I know a lot of people.
527
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,440
I could pull a few strings,
talk to the judge.
528
00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,787
I guarantee I can get you
out of here early.
529
00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:56,447
No, no, no, man.
Early is not going
to do it, okay.
530
00:21:56,532 --> 00:21:57,932
-Thanks.
-I'm gonna get
eaten alive in here.
531
00:21:58,012 --> 00:21:59,622
Sal.
532
00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:01,319
I'm going to take care of you.
533
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,277
[SOFTLY] We are going
to change the world.
534
00:22:10,677 --> 00:22:11,237
We're gonna change
the world, huh?
535
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:14,635
Yeah.
536
00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:17,644
Your mother and I have been
waiting for 30 years
for this day.
537
00:22:17,727 --> 00:22:18,687
Yeah, well,
you're both fuckin' nuts!
538
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,122
We are not...
539
00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:20,948
Yeah, you are.
You're fuckin' nuts.
540
00:22:21,035 --> 00:22:22,945
We are not nuts, Sal.
541
00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:25,037
Your mother was
a pregnant virgin.
542
00:22:25,126 --> 00:22:26,516
Okay, well, then there's got
to be another explanation
543
00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:27,426
for this pregnant
virgin thing.
544
00:22:29,565 --> 00:22:33,565
Sal, I have devoted
my entire life
to being a priest.
545
00:22:33,656 --> 00:22:35,476
-And do you know why?
-Yeah, 'cause you
want to be Bishop.
546
00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:37,051
No. That's not the reason why.
547
00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:38,658
Well, you talk about it a lot.
548
00:22:38,748 --> 00:22:40,178
Like, "When I'm Bishop this,
when I'm Bishop that."
549
00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:42,271
A guy's got to have ambition.
550
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,411
But that's not the reason
I became a priest.
551
00:22:44,493 --> 00:22:46,453
Why then?
Because you work, like,
two, three hours a day?
552
00:22:46,539 --> 00:22:48,019
No, that's not it.
553
00:22:48,105 --> 00:22:50,365
Well, putting wafers
on people's tongue
554
00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:51,886
doesn't tell them
they're going to hell,
that's not work, you know.
555
00:22:51,979 --> 00:22:52,849
There's a lot more
to it than that.
556
00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:54,326
-Really?
-Yes.
557
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,196
I have to do weddings,
baptisms, confessionals,
558
00:22:57,288 --> 00:22:59,068
funerals, oh, funerals.
559
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,160
Funerals are very challenging.
560
00:23:01,249 --> 00:23:02,769
How's a funeral challenging?
The guy's already dead.
561
00:23:02,859 --> 00:23:04,689
-You dig the grave?
-Of course not.
562
00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,824
-Oh, you don't dig
the grave, do you?
-Of course, I don't.
563
00:23:06,907 --> 00:23:08,297
Okay, listen, you live in
a mansion that you don't
have to pay rent for,
564
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,817
so other than
the celibacy thing,
565
00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,960
I think you got
a pretty sweet deal, bro.
566
00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:13,782
You know what?
I think I think I'm going
to become a priest.
567
00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:15,480
Gonna get out of here
and do the priest thing
for a little bit, you know...
568
00:23:15,568 --> 00:23:16,658
You know, I'm just
gonna go right now
and call your mother.
569
00:23:16,743 --> 00:23:17,833
Okay, good. Thank you.
570
00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:19,178
But here's a little bit
of advice.
571
00:23:19,267 --> 00:23:20,787
Be careful about what you eat.
572
00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:22,577
They use peanuts as filler.
573
00:23:22,662 --> 00:23:24,452
-Oh, they use penis
as fillers?
-Everything...
574
00:23:24,533 --> 00:23:25,843
-Penis? I never...
-You said, penis as filler.
No, you did.
575
00:23:25,926 --> 00:23:27,006
-Sal, I never said...
-I'm pretty
sure you did.
576
00:23:27,101 --> 00:23:28,321
I think I would know
if I said... Okay.
577
00:23:29,364 --> 00:23:30,454
[CLEARS THROAT]
578
00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:32,059
Just don't eat them.
579
00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:33,499
Relax. I'm not actually
allergic to peanuts.
580
00:23:33,586 --> 00:23:35,066
-Sal...
-What?
581
00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:36,462
I've known you
your whole life.
582
00:23:36,545 --> 00:23:37,935
You are allergic to peanuts.
583
00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:40,065
No. Vince is allergic
to peanuts.
584
00:23:40,157 --> 00:23:41,857
I just said I was,
so other kids would
make fun of me.
585
00:23:41,942 --> 00:23:42,602
You know what a pussy
that guy is.
586
00:23:43,683 --> 00:23:45,733
What? So...
587
00:23:45,815 --> 00:23:47,985
You're telling me that
you pretended to be allergic
588
00:23:48,078 --> 00:23:49,338
just so that Vince
wouldn't feel bad?
589
00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:50,689
Yeah.
590
00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:52,387
Oh.
591
00:23:53,127 --> 00:23:54,777
Holy shit.
592
00:23:54,868 --> 00:23:57,738
Holy, holy, holiest of shits.
593
00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:03,527
Sal isn't allergic to peanuts.
594
00:24:03,616 --> 00:24:05,616
Holy shit. You scared me.
595
00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:08,225
He faked a peanut allergy
so Vince wouldn't feel bad.
596
00:24:08,316 --> 00:24:09,616
This is proof that
he's the Second Coming.
597
00:24:10,623 --> 00:24:12,103
How is that proof?
598
00:24:12,189 --> 00:24:14,499
Who forgoes an entire food
so somebody else feels better?
599
00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:15,853
Vegetarians.
600
00:24:15,932 --> 00:24:17,112
Okay, sure.
601
00:24:17,194 --> 00:24:19,114
But for one specific person?
602
00:24:19,196 --> 00:24:20,366
First of all,
how do you know this?
603
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:21,759
I just talked to Sal.
604
00:24:21,851 --> 00:24:23,941
He's in prison.
605
00:24:24,027 --> 00:24:26,067
He got arrested at an
erotic massage house.
606
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,730
Oh, for the love of God!
607
00:24:27,814 --> 00:24:30,474
But as long as he's not
allergic to peanuts,
everything's fine.
608
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:31,636
You're missing the point.
609
00:24:31,731 --> 00:24:33,251
This means
that he's a good person.
610
00:24:33,341 --> 00:24:35,341
A great person.
611
00:24:35,430 --> 00:24:38,960
The only reason that
he is so spoiled and entitled
is because of us!
612
00:24:39,042 --> 00:24:40,912
This proves beyond
a shadow of a doubt
613
00:24:41,001 --> 00:24:43,921
that he is the savior.
614
00:24:44,004 --> 00:24:46,404
My doctor says
there's another explanation
615
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:47,615
for getting pregnant
without sex.
616
00:24:48,530 --> 00:24:50,270
Parthenogenesis.
617
00:24:50,358 --> 00:24:52,268
-That's one person's opinion.
-She's a doctor.
618
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:53,880
A family doctor. Come on!
619
00:24:53,970 --> 00:24:56,230
Still, it's the first opinion
that makes sense.
620
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:57,280
Finally!
621
00:24:57,974 --> 00:25:00,114
Wait.
622
00:25:00,194 --> 00:25:03,244
How often did she say
that this partheno thing
happens anyway?
623
00:25:04,851 --> 00:25:06,941
Not often. It's very rare.
624
00:25:07,810 --> 00:25:09,330
Every 2,000 years rare?
625
00:25:11,074 --> 00:25:12,954
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
626
00:25:13,033 --> 00:25:15,783
Maria, just because
something is a fluke,
627
00:25:15,862 --> 00:25:18,132
doesn't mean
that it's not special.
628
00:25:18,212 --> 00:25:20,132
In fact, it means
just the opposite.
629
00:25:23,043 --> 00:25:25,353
SAL: Okay, so you guys
are gonna bail me
out though, right?
630
00:25:25,436 --> 00:25:27,436
-Yeah, as soon as
we get the money.
-Yeah.
631
00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:29,656
-But it's gonna take
a little bit of time.
-Yeah.
632
00:25:29,745 --> 00:25:32,005
I mean, it's pretty hard
to save the world
from inside a jail,
633
00:25:32,095 --> 00:25:35,185
-that's for sure.
-Okay, listen, I've been
thinking that there is
634
00:25:35,272 --> 00:25:37,322
probably another explanation
for this whole
pregnant virgin thing.
635
00:25:37,405 --> 00:25:39,535
Just sort of spitballing here
but, what if...
636
00:25:41,801 --> 00:25:43,281
You did have sex with someone.
637
00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,327
Oh! I think I'd remember
losing my virginity.
638
00:25:46,414 --> 00:25:48,464
But what if you, like,
blocked it out mentally,
639
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,287
because you were, like...
640
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:53,771
Raped.
641
00:25:53,856 --> 00:25:55,206
-I was raped.
-What?
642
00:25:55,292 --> 00:25:57,252
-By God.
-Absolutely not. No.
643
00:25:57,338 --> 00:26:00,168
Well, I never consented
but I'm happy that he did it.
644
00:26:00,254 --> 00:26:01,654
Stop saying that
you were raped by God.
645
00:26:01,734 --> 00:26:03,214
Okay, look, if I'm Jesus,
646
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:05,300
how come I can't
shoot out miracles, huh?
647
00:26:05,389 --> 00:26:07,299
Like in the Bible,
always shooting out
miracles, right?
648
00:26:07,391 --> 00:26:09,831
Sal, that's because the Bible
is just a book of fables.
649
00:26:09,916 --> 00:26:12,046
Simple tales meant to convey
650
00:26:12,135 --> 00:26:14,265
moral lessons
for simple people.
651
00:26:14,355 --> 00:26:18,095
And anyway, you don't need
miracles to get followers.
652
00:26:18,185 --> 00:26:21,095
But you need unconditional
love and kindness.
653
00:26:21,188 --> 00:26:22,968
Okay, I'm a little fucked
in half in here, aren't I?
654
00:26:23,059 --> 00:26:24,759
Okay, about that...
655
00:26:24,844 --> 00:26:26,414
I have done an awful lot
of counseling for prisoners.
656
00:26:26,497 --> 00:26:28,107
So, here's what you got to do.
657
00:26:28,195 --> 00:26:29,235
The moment you walk
in the joint,
658
00:26:29,326 --> 00:26:31,066
walk up to the biggest,
toughest guy
659
00:26:31,154 --> 00:26:32,424
and just sock him in the jaw.
660
00:26:32,503 --> 00:26:34,203
[SIGHS] Jesus.
661
00:26:34,288 --> 00:26:35,458
[BUZZER SOUNDING]
662
00:26:38,205 --> 00:26:39,685
[PRISONERS LAUGHING
AND CHATTING]
663
00:26:58,878 --> 00:27:00,178
[PRISONERS EXCLAIMING]
664
00:27:02,882 --> 00:27:04,752
Fuck! You got a death wish?
What the fuck's
wrong with you?
665
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,630
I'm just earning respect
that my priest told me to.
666
00:27:06,712 --> 00:27:08,022
-Respect?
-[PANTING]
667
00:27:08,104 --> 00:27:08,894
Peepers was blind as a bat.
668
00:27:11,325 --> 00:27:13,755
-Peepers?
-Think you can just hit
someone in here
669
00:27:13,849 --> 00:27:15,289
and not pay for it?
670
00:27:15,372 --> 00:27:16,292
This ain't
a fucking movie, man!
671
00:27:16,373 --> 00:27:17,113
PEEPERS: Wait!
672
00:27:18,158 --> 00:27:19,118
I can see!
673
00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:22,823
-It's a miracle.
-Holy shit.
674
00:27:24,381 --> 00:27:25,511
-I can see!
-[YELLS]
675
00:27:26,427 --> 00:27:27,947
[THUDS]
676
00:27:28,037 --> 00:27:29,737
-Vince!
-Let's do this now!
677
00:27:29,822 --> 00:27:30,562
SAL: Vince! No!
678
00:27:31,867 --> 00:27:33,607
[MUSIC PLAYING]
679
00:27:53,410 --> 00:27:53,980
[PAPER BAG RUSTLING]
680
00:27:55,804 --> 00:27:56,634
Don't worry. I didn't forget
681
00:27:57,763 --> 00:27:58,943
how much you like pie.
682
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:06,380
I'm sorry.
683
00:28:10,036 --> 00:28:11,036
I was just trying to help
I guess, I don't know.
684
00:28:17,870 --> 00:28:18,960
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
685
00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:21,403
You fat fuck.
686
00:28:24,311 --> 00:28:25,751
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
49760
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