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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:05,919 The following presentation is rated 18A. 2 00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:10,183 This presentation deals with mature subject matter 3 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,364 and contains scenes with coarse language, 4 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:15,360 nudity, sexuality, and violence. 5 00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:17,583 Viewer discretion is advised. 6 00:00:20,498 --> 00:00:21,758 NG OVER SPEAKERS] 7 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:44,784 You know, it's okay to cry, Ma. 8 00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:49,184 Diane was a big part of your life. 9 00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:52,656 And that's not effectual 'cause she was such a huge whale, but... 10 00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:53,658 You know what I mean. Just let it all out. 11 00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:58,014 [MARIA SIGHS] 12 00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:00,795 She's gone. 13 00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:03,798 Just like that. 14 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,068 [SIGHS] 15 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:13,810 Know what always helps me when I'm feeling down? 16 00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:15,729 -Mmm. -Some food. 17 00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:16,514 Maybe we should have something to eat? 18 00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:20,302 Yeah. I'll, I'll make some pasta. 19 00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:22,694 No, no, no, no, no. You know what, Ma? 20 00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:24,298 -Let me do it. Let me make the pasta, okay? -What? No. 21 00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:26,088 Yeah, yeah. Ma, sit down, please. 22 00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:27,443 Let me do it, okay. Come on. 23 00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,176 -Come on, sit down. -Oh, come... No! 24 00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:32,794 Mama, sit down, okay? 25 00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:35,525 I'm gonna make some pasta. You relax, okay? 26 00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:38,527 I got this. Ma, trust me, okay. I got it. 27 00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:39,270 All right? 28 00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:48,932 [CLATTERING] 29 00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:57,644 So how the fuck do you make pasta? 30 00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:01,214 Oh, my God! 31 00:02:08,737 --> 00:02:09,737 All right. 32 00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:10,865 This is gonna be, um... 33 00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:14,087 ...hard to hear. 34 00:02:15,744 --> 00:02:18,094 Yeah, even harder to, to understand. 35 00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,525 But I've never lied to you, right? 36 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:24,488 Right? 37 00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,579 Ma, you're freaking me out here. 38 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:26,887 Just answer the question. 39 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,452 Have I ever lied to you? 40 00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:30,109 No. 41 00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:31,413 No, you have never ever lied to me. 42 00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:33,717 -Good. -Good. 43 00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:36,029 Because... 44 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:39,770 ...when I got pregnant with you... 45 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,163 ...I was a virgin. 46 00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:47,039 That sucks. 47 00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,035 No. I mean, I never had sex. 48 00:02:52,476 --> 00:02:53,216 With anyone. 49 00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:55,569 Ever. 50 00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:58,959 I was a virgin, 51 00:03:00,571 --> 00:03:03,491 and then I was a pregnant virgin. 52 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:07,360 So, what are you saying? 53 00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:09,489 Sal... 54 00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:13,447 ...you're the Second Coming. 55 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:19,108 Of what? 56 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,810 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 57 00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,058 Ma. 58 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:02,021 Ma, are you sure, 59 00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:04,641 that you didn't, like, sit in a pile of sperms, or something like that? 60 00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:06,122 'Cause, listen, that's what Vince's cousin, 61 00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:07,332 Eric said happened with his girlfriend, so... 62 00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,771 What I'm sure of is that it's a miracle. 63 00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:12,603 You ask Father Luke. 64 00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,337 [SCOFFS] I'm not gonna ask that nerd anything. 65 00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:16,168 Because it's time. 66 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,906 You know what it is, Mama? It is a bad time, okay? 67 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,736 I got so much going on right now. You don't even know. 68 00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:20,964 My house flipping business, for starters. 69 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,703 Oh, come on, Sal. 70 00:04:22,784 --> 00:04:24,534 Now it's a house flipping business. 71 00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:25,832 Before that it was a limo company. 72 00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,787 Then it was a food truck. 73 00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,526 And then you wanted to be a carpenter. 74 00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:30,397 You wanted me to be a carpenter. 75 00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,097 I wanted you to be something. 76 00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:33,144 Ah, so that's what this is all about then, huh? 77 00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:34,449 I could drop dead tomorrow. 78 00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,095 That's not gonna happen, so don't say that. 79 00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,888 That is why I had to tell you today. 80 00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:40,114 [SIGHS DEEPLY] 81 00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:41,632 Okay, so what? 82 00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:44,496 You want to go around 83 00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,498 telling people I'm the Second Coming? 84 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:48,810 And, what, fuckin' high-fiving lepers and shit, 85 00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,897 just rocking long hair and what? 86 00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:52,766 You gotta save the world, Sal. 87 00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,287 Oh. [CHUCKLES] 88 00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:55,561 I gotta save the world, huh? 89 00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:56,693 [LAUGHS] 90 00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,516 How, Ma? 91 00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,392 By doing good deeds. 92 00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:01,614 And getting followers. 93 00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:03,479 You're serious? 94 00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,131 Ma, you can't... [STAMMERS] You just... 95 00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:10,179 You can't believe this, okay? 96 00:05:10,266 --> 00:05:12,006 Would I still be a virgin if I didn't? 97 00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:13,624 Oh, come on, you're still a virgin. 98 00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,754 You remember when you met Mike Foligno 99 00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:17,487 and you refused to wash your hand? 100 00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:18,928 It's that with God and my vagina. 101 00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,544 Oh, come on, Ma! 102 00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,414 -I know I'm your mother, but I'm also a person. -No, no, no! 103 00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,886 You know, a female person. 104 00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,845 I can't handle this, okay? 105 00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:27,284 I just... I can't. I'm sorry. 106 00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,158 I know helping people has never been your strong suit. 107 00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,773 What? How about, uh... 108 00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,383 Nicky Garcia? 109 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,206 Are you kidding me? 110 00:05:38,294 --> 00:05:40,734 I helped that kid lose over 100 pounds, Ma, okay? 111 00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:43,338 I had to be on him too, 112 00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,910 every single day about what a fat fuck he was until he lost that weight. 113 00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,997 The kid shot himself at prom, Sal! 114 00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,866 [MARIA SIGHS] 115 00:05:49,958 --> 00:05:50,608 What, do you think I had something to do with that? 116 00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,178 Jesus! 117 00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:53,444 [INHALES SHARPLY] 118 00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:54,567 -[SOBBING] -Ma, don't cry. 119 00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,527 Ma, stop crying. 120 00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,658 Ma, look, come on, Ma. 121 00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:02,620 I'm sure Nicky is in a better place now, okay? 122 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:05,450 I bet you Nicky is up there in heaven with Diane 123 00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:07,369 and just eating deep-fried pizzas 124 00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:08,804 and rolling around in doughnuts and stuff like that. 125 00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,540 That's not why I'm crying. 126 00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:12,981 [SNIFFLES] I'm crying because... 127 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:16,848 It wasn't easy being a single mom, you know. 128 00:06:16,941 --> 00:06:19,861 I know. But, Ma, you did a great job. 129 00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:22,084 I mean... Look at this, Ma. 130 00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:22,734 You did this, huh? 131 00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,116 [SOBS] 132 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,820 Ma, you know I can't stand disappointing you. Okay, so... 133 00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:31,775 If, if you think I'm the Second Coming... 134 00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:33,039 You are the Second Coming. 135 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,400 Okay and that's what I'm gonna be then. 136 00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:41,965 Okay? 137 00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:42,843 Yeah? 138 00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:45,746 -You all done crying now, Ma? -[CHUCKLES] 139 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:46,710 Yeah? All right. Come here, Ma. 140 00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,097 Okay. 141 00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:50,150 Oh, I need to wash this. 142 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,715 Yeah, I know. I was at Colesons' last night. 143 00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:53,543 It smells like an ashtray full of perfumed moth balls, huh? 144 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:54,370 Ugh! 145 00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:56,423 [SIGHS] Okay. 146 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,080 What the fuck? 147 00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:11,685 [INHALES] 148 00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:15,352 [EXHALES] 149 00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:22,138 SAL: You don't believe it though, do you, Vince? 150 00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:24,014 No. 151 00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:25,915 -You? -Fuck, no! I mean, come on. 152 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,360 Can you imagine the Second Coming of Christ 153 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,357 with second coming Sudbury of all places? 154 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,969 Yeah, I would have thought, maybe Paris. 155 00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:32,579 Maybe Tokyo. 156 00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:33,929 -NYC, bro. -Yeah. 157 00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,978 -Boston. -Rome. 158 00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,334 -The Vatican. -Jesus was Italian. 159 00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,723 No. He was a Jew. 160 00:07:38,806 --> 00:07:39,976 [CHUCKLES] 161 00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:40,758 This guy... 162 00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:45,936 You know, if it was true... 163 00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:49,378 If I knew who my dad was... 164 00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:51,989 Yeah. 165 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,260 You could stop thinking that he left 'cause he felt suffocated 166 00:07:55,344 --> 00:07:58,484 and he abandoned you because you were a burden on him... 167 00:07:58,565 --> 00:07:59,775 You know, you're a burden sometimes. 168 00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:01,440 If anyone who abandoned you, 169 00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:02,574 that's neighborhood kids trapping suffocate you, huh? 170 00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:03,216 How's that sound? 171 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,350 -I'm sorry, man. -[SOFTLY] Fuck. 172 00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:11,445 You don't think, I, uh... 173 00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:15,763 ...had anything to do with Nicky Garcia shoot himself, do you? 174 00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:17,979 He named you in the note. 175 00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:21,331 That's fuckin' news to me, bro. 176 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,293 I mean, if you're Jesus, 177 00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:26,854 I am not Judas. [CHUCKLES] 178 00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:30,812 What'd you just say? 179 00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,381 I said, like, if there's a Judas in the story, 180 00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,598 then that's not me. 181 00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:36,388 Yeah, but if you don't believe it, why would you even say that? 182 00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:37,652 I'm not... I'm... 183 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:38,654 You're making me very uncomfortable here. 184 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:40,775 I'm sorry. I don't believe it. 185 00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,348 I'm just saying that I'm you're the Second Coming... 186 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,834 First of all, I don't think you got anything to worry about. 187 00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:45,484 No. I'm a stud. 188 00:08:49,137 --> 00:08:50,137 So, Judas... 189 00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:57,536 You got a few things you should worry about, you know. 190 00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,584 -I know. -Like my devastating left and my thunderous right. 191 00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:04,807 I wish we had company. 192 00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:05,592 Is that a bet you want to make, Vince? 193 00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:09,505 VINCE: So, what's the end game here? 194 00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:12,554 Do something nice for him 195 00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:13,639 and hopefully get my mom to stop crying. 196 00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,338 Can I help you guys? 197 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:20,555 Yeah. 198 00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,517 Yeah, my friend and I... Well, mostly me if I'm being honest, we, um... 199 00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:24,905 We want to buy you lunch. 200 00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:26,995 Now? 201 00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:28,738 No. Sometime, when you're not busy at work. 202 00:09:28,829 --> 00:09:30,479 You got money? 203 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,610 This fuckin' homeless guy is asking me if I got money! 204 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:32,531 Yeah, I got fuckin' money. 205 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,790 -All right. -What the fuck, bro? 206 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,231 I'm sorry, did you say breakfast or lunch? 207 00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,967 What's the difference? 208 00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,759 Well, lunch is a blow job and breakfast is a handy with once around the rim. 209 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,024 -Once. -What's dinner? 210 00:09:45,106 --> 00:09:46,626 -Vince! -Full service. 211 00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,406 -He'll stick with lunch. -You're the boss. 212 00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:49,550 I just want to buy you lunch bro, okay? 213 00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,156 Like a real lunch. 214 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,031 Stop being a fag, get your dick out. 215 00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,807 -No, no, no! No, no. -HOMELESS GUY: Come on! 216 00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,081 -He's strong! -Stop being weird. 217 00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,303 -[SIRENS WAILING] -No! 218 00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:01,952 Fuck, buddy! Vince! 219 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:02,596 It's easier if you pull your dick out. 220 00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,518 FATHER LUKE: You finally told him! 221 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,167 -Maria, this is what we've been looking for. -[SIGHS] 222 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,700 -Oh... -This is amazing. 223 00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,444 No, it isn't. 224 00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:13,964 Oh, of course, it is. 225 00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:14,918 Why would you think otherwise? 226 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,785 Oh, because 227 00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,357 Carmela Russo's son Rocko is getting married. 228 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,494 -And? -And he has Down Syndrome. 229 00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,187 -Maria! -Oh, don't, okay. 230 00:10:23,274 --> 00:10:24,714 Look, I think it's wonderful, beautiful, 231 00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:26,408 and I cried when I found out, okay? 232 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,625 And as much as I believe, 233 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,665 -Down Syndrome kids can do everything other kids can do. -Look, Maria, please, 234 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,680 can you stop before you say something you're going to regret? 235 00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,372 Mine should be beating him! 236 00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,159 Maria, Ten Hail Marys, right now. 237 00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,814 -Oh, five. -Eight, final offer. 238 00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,728 Fine. [SIGHS] 239 00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:42,643 Oh, Sal didn't even finish high school. 240 00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,909 He's allergic to peanuts. 241 00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,042 What does that have to do with anything? 242 00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:49,344 You really think that the Second Coming would have a peanut allergy? 243 00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,431 He can't even make pasta. 244 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,310 If, if I die tomorrow, he's fucked! 245 00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:56,352 Best case scenario, he starves to death. 246 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,088 Best case. 247 00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,436 The Bible even says, 248 00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:03,709 that the Second Coming will come in all His glory. 249 00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,843 -Okay. -And everybody will know and see it. 250 00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:06,666 I understand. 251 00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,451 Yes, it's true. 252 00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:13,799 Sal is not exactly Hollywood Jesus. 253 00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:16,240 But the Bible isn't a manual, okay? 254 00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:18,237 This isn't science, this is real. 255 00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:20,589 But what about the glory... 256 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,640 We have to prepare him for the glory. 257 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,375 That's where the good deeds come in. 258 00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,636 So that when the glory finally arrives, 259 00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,909 he and everybody that he has helped 260 00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:30,992 will finally see it and know it. 261 00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,431 -Easier said... -Maria, please. 262 00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:35,088 You can't have doubts now. 263 00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:38,002 Not you, you're the virgin mother! 264 00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,918 You really believe that the world is gonna buy this? 265 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,883 Of course they are! 266 00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:45,012 The world is constantly seeing Jesus in toast, 267 00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,355 in water stains. 268 00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,875 -[SCOFFS] -And we have proof. 269 00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:52,710 Three doctors confirm your virginity. 270 00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,759 The Armenian one said your hymen was 271 00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,064 [SWALLOWS] thicker than a vault. 272 00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,501 You remember my accident? 273 00:11:59,588 --> 00:12:01,198 And what of it? 274 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,585 Yeah, I still don't remember it. 275 00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,163 I remember leaving the house 276 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:08,077 and then waking up in the hospital, 277 00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,252 and a couple of months later, 278 00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,598 I was pregnant. 279 00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:16,778 Well, I'll tell you what I remember about it. 280 00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:20,736 I remember that the doctors said it was a miracle that you survived. 281 00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,347 God didn't just save your life that day, 282 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,220 God gave you new life. 283 00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,436 That accident isn't an explanation of anything. 284 00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:30,793 It's proof of everything. 285 00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,538 It was just a fuckin' fire truck, you pussy. 286 00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,576 -I'm not a pussy. -You are a pussy. 287 00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:41,201 I'm not a pussy. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, 288 00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:42,672 thank you very much. Big difference. 289 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,070 What are you doing? 290 00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:46,105 I'm making a wheelchair. 291 00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:49,509 How do you figure? 292 00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:52,384 I collect tabs for a charity 293 00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,687 that recycles them into wheelchairs. 294 00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:58,263 And I thought I made dumb decisions. 295 00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,342 -Right. -VINCE: It's a fine decision. 296 00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:03,831 Oh, anyways, thanks for lunch, guys. 297 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:04,523 Hold on, buddy. Where the fuck are you going? 298 00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,045 What do you want? 299 00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,345 Um, like, a fuckin' bit more gratitude would be nice, for starters. 300 00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:12,661 Look, I'm grateful, 301 00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:14,448 but if you think you're the first guy that bought me lunch... 302 00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,410 You want more, do more. 303 00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:22,449 VINCE: Been a while since I've been here. 304 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,540 They all look like they're getting tested, and stuff. 305 00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:26,719 Why don't you just shut the fuck up and get jerked off, Vince! 306 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,196 Would you believe I've never been to a rub and tug before? 307 00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:30,846 Well, you smell like shit and you don't have a home, so, of course I would. 308 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:31,590 Fair enough. 309 00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:33,598 Okay, so pick one. 310 00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:35,821 I like that one. 311 00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,301 She's got a mean face. 312 00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:42,335 Well, what about Rita over there, she's got great fun bags 313 00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,870 and she has little hands too. 314 00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:45,693 Uh, those are nice, but... 315 00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:46,431 I like her. 316 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,615 -Now you gotta be prepared. -Mmm-hmm. 317 00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,713 Because she's gonna try and upsell you, okay? 318 00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,972 Nude, topless, nude reverse, which is pure cock-torture. 319 00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:02,186 Then she's gonna hit you with the body glide, 320 00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,706 and that's only worth it if she lets you finger her, 321 00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:05,279 but the bottom-line is, 322 00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,496 I'm not paying for any of it, okay? 323 00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:08,975 So if you want her to do more than burp your baby, 324 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:09,755 you gotta cough up the dough yourself. 325 00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:11,755 I'm just nervous. 326 00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:14,243 SAL: What's going on, Nicole? 327 00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,902 -Can you lie down please? -Mmm-hmm. 328 00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,857 So me and this guy and my other buddy, 329 00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,596 we just got the best porchetta sandwich in Sudbury. 330 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,337 If you want I'll take you sometime. 331 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,948 No, it's okay. I can afford my own food, thanks. 332 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,780 All due respect, the fuck's the matter with you? 333 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,909 You come here more than any other regular. You know that, right? 334 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:32,781 -Yeah, it helps me unwind. -Mmm. 335 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,312 Oil or powder? 336 00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,345 Oh. I don't know if I really need... 337 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,010 SAL: Go powder. Oil makes you come like a bastard. 338 00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:40,314 -Okay, powder. -What the fuck's the matter with you? 339 00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:41,751 I want him to get his money's worth, what the fuck's the matter with you? 340 00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,103 [BREATHES DEEPLY] 341 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,760 Oh, my God. 342 00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,585 -Do you even have a job? -No, not really. I'm homeless. 343 00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:53,153 Me... I'm an entrepreneur. 344 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,980 So, no. 345 00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,198 Why even ask me out if you can't pay for it? 346 00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,456 Don't flatter yourself. 347 00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,638 I wasn't asking you out, 348 00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:00,994 I was just telling you about this wicked sandwich I had. 349 00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:04,506 -But if you did wanna go out... -I don't go out with clients. 350 00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:05,989 Yeah, but I'm not your client. 351 00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:07,649 Yeah, no shit. And who the fuck brings a homeless guy 352 00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:09,952 to a rub and tug? 353 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:10,779 Oh, it sounds like it had something to do with his mother. 354 00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:13,646 -Hey, that was private. -Oh, so he's a weirdo. 355 00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,778 Since when does a weirdo want to make your mother happy, huh? 356 00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,611 Since I'm jerking off a fuckin' hobo! 357 00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,439 Quite aggressively, I might point out. 358 00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,827 It's called being nice. You might want to try that sometime. 359 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,491 -You're an idiot. -Okay, it's starting to hurt. 360 00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:24,924 I should have gone with oil. 361 00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:25,791 Shut up. I'm trying to finish you. 362 00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:28,491 Okay, but, ow! My penis. 363 00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,149 Take it easy, okay. You may rip the thing off. 364 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,323 Oh, really? You could do better? 365 00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,798 -Actually, yeah. -But no, though, right? 366 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:34,319 -You shut up! -[SPITTING] 367 00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:38,683 -[HOMELESS GUY MOANS] -You're a real fighter, aren't you? 368 00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,773 -Yeah. -SAL: Oh, I get it. 369 00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:43,032 You are mad because I never picked you to jerk me off, right? 370 00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:44,546 Get over yourself. 371 00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,339 -Everyone freeze! -Oh, fuck! 372 00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,563 -Hey, Sal. -Hey, what's going on? 373 00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:48,822 [LAUGHS] Oh, yeah. 374 00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:50,084 Oh! 375 00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,036 Boom goes the dynamite! 376 00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:52,815 That was the one. 377 00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,165 Oh, thank you, miss. 378 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:56,348 Thank you. 379 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,833 Thank you, Sal. 380 00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:59,783 Officer Jacobs, good to see you. 381 00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:02,481 Sorry about all the cum, guys. 382 00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:05,360 FATHER LUKE: That's right, folks. He is here! 383 00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:06,622 But he won't look like that! 384 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:12,363 For one, he won't be on a cross, so that's different. 385 00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:15,099 And he won't be the Holy Trinity of handsome. 386 00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:17,241 Bearded, beautiful, blue-eyed. 387 00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,019 He won't be that. 388 00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:23,332 He might be very tall. 389 00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:26,938 He might even be a little bit slovenly. 390 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:29,948 He might get on your nerves. 391 00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:35,084 He might even drink a bit. 392 00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,561 Confusing that God would choose him, really. 393 00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:39,609 He might be black. 394 00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:40,964 No, he won't be black... 395 00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,043 [CLEARS THROAT] 396 00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:43,571 [CHUCKLES] 397 00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:45,224 [STUTTERS ] I'm saying that he can't be... 398 00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,308 It's just he, he won't be this time. 399 00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,137 But, uh, good question though. 400 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,135 Thank you, Mabel. 401 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:50,966 Folks. 402 00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:53,967 He might be an ass. 403 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:56,673 Because he's testing us. 404 00:16:57,886 --> 00:17:00,886 He's testing our faith. 405 00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:03,886 'Cause that's what this is about. Faith, not facts. 406 00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,939 Facts are for cowards 407 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,375 and faith is for the strong. 408 00:17:08,462 --> 00:17:09,642 So I ask you... 409 00:17:11,291 --> 00:17:12,421 Are you strong enough? 410 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,170 And if you are, 411 00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:19,732 I want you to answer loud and clear 412 00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:20,821 and strong. 413 00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:23,779 But not with your mouths, 414 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,000 but with your hearts. 415 00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,313 And your wallets. 416 00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:30,921 And the collection plates. 417 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:32,915 MAN: All rise. 418 00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,142 [SAL SNICKERS] 419 00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:40,762 ... 420 00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:46,112 There he is, Mr. Salvatore Camilucci. 421 00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:46,845 How are you? 422 00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,806 Oh, shit. 423 00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,325 Yeah, from high school. 424 00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:53,809 -Yeah. -Yeah. Jason, right? 425 00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:55,468 Daryl... It was Daryl. 426 00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:56,812 -With the big pool. -With the big pool. 427 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,251 -Yeah. -We had some killer parties there. 428 00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:00,078 Yeah. 429 00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:01,946 And I'm sleeping with my girlfriend Kathy and... 430 00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:02,687 We had a lot of fun. 431 00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,427 Sorry about that. 432 00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:07,219 No. No, dude. No, no, no. I should be thanking you. 433 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:08,483 -She's huge now. It's embarrassing. -Oh. 434 00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:10,125 Dodged a bullet. 435 00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,269 And that's why I saw your name on the public defender's list, 436 00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,092 I was, like, "I got to take the case for this guy." 437 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,440 -Really? You got me? -I got you. 438 00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:16,789 -Yeah. -Payback. 439 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,358 -I appreciate that, man. Thank you. -It is payback. 440 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:20,005 -Okay. -Yeah, yeah. 441 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,099 Uh, remember Vince from high school? 442 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,408 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -He was with me... 443 00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,633 Oh, yeah. He's fine. He's fine. 444 00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,323 He ended up getting charged for police evasion and indecent exposure 445 00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:29,761 'cause he was running down the street with his dick flopping out, 446 00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:31,067 -but he's okay. -Classic Vince charges. 447 00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,683 -Yeah. Is it? -Yeah. 448 00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,553 [CHUCKLES] 449 00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:36,068 You want to talk about the case? 450 00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:40,596 You remember Nicky Garcia? 451 00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:45,119 Yeah. 452 00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:47,301 You don't think I had anything with what happened to him, do you? 453 00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:49,387 -You? No. -Yeah. 454 00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:50,776 -No, man. Absolutely not. -[SIGHS DEEPLY] 455 00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,703 I mean, he did, but I didn't. 456 00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:55,962 How'd you know that? 457 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,137 [SIGHS DEEPLY] 458 00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:01,705 He was wearing your football jersey... 459 00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:02,712 -Oh, fuck off! -Yeah. 460 00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:07,580 How are you gonna plead? 461 00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,019 Guilty. 462 00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,535 Guilty, why? 463 00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:12,588 Why would you plead guilty? 464 00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,415 Sal, I remember back in high school 465 00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,463 when that drunk driving display was parked out front... 466 00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,418 -Yeah. -Remember what you did? You stole it. 467 00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:21,727 -You sold the parts. -I was drunk driving when I sold it. 468 00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:23,952 Drunk driving. Yeah. 469 00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:25,862 And remember when the guidance counselor, 470 00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,857 he was like, "Hey, I want to put Sal in that special school." 471 00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,600 -Fuck, yeah. -You did what? 472 00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:31,951 -Help me out. -I did sex with his wife. 473 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,130 Um, you did sex with his wife. 474 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,087 -That's what I'm talking about. -Yeah, yeah. 475 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,605 Where the hell's that guy? 476 00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,128 What do you mean? He's still here. 477 00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,661 Sal "fuck the world" Camilucci? 478 00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:41,794 Fuckin' the world on regular, buddy. 479 00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:44,396 Is he? 480 00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,837 I mean, I don't know. Because, I mean... 481 00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:50,494 That guy didn't really back down from a fight, but I mean, that's okay. 482 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,500 JUDGE: Next up, Salvatore Camilucci. 483 00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:53,672 Now, come on, buddy. 484 00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:54,537 Salvatore Camilucci. 485 00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:55,628 Come on. 486 00:19:57,892 --> 00:19:58,722 MAN: How do you plead? 487 00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:01,464 Not fuckin' guilty! 488 00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:04,732 All right. Officer, take him away. 489 00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,162 -Your Honor. Sal. Sal. -I did it, bro. 490 00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:07,508 What the fuck? 491 00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:08,897 -Hey, hey, hey! -Don't worry. I got it. 492 00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:09,600 SAL: Fuck! 493 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,170 Oh, I fuckin' hate that guy. 494 00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:21,046 -Partheno... -Parthenogenesis. 495 00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:23,092 It's a form of asexual reproduction 496 00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:25,698 where an embryo is fertilized without intercourse. 497 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:28,489 And that can happen in humans? 498 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:30,005 Theoretically, anything can happen. 499 00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:31,578 Huh. 500 00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,885 Can you get pregnant by sitting in a pile of someone's sperm? 501 00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:39,802 I'm sorry, a pile? 502 00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:42,240 Or whatever the medical term is. 503 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,808 It's just sperm, regardless of the quantity. 504 00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:46,975 And parthenogenesis is probably more likely 505 00:20:47,071 --> 00:20:49,291 than getting pregnant by sitting in it. 506 00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:53,078 Like the story of the virginal conception from the Bible, right? 507 00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:54,254 Well, that's just it, it's a story. 508 00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:59,130 Well, well, are you saying that that didn't happen, 509 00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:01,704 or, or, it couldn't happen? 510 00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,912 Maria, I really don't think I'm... 511 00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:06,701 Well, just tell me if it's possible for a virgin, 512 00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:08,697 like, who's never had sex, 513 00:21:08,789 --> 00:21:11,569 like Mary from the Bible, to get pregnant 514 00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:14,491 in a way that has nothing to do with God or miracles? 515 00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:19,669 In theory, stranger things have happened. 516 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:21,796 Probably. 517 00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,759 -Partheno... -Parthenogenesis. 518 00:21:27,721 --> 00:21:28,591 [BUZZER SOUNDING] 519 00:21:34,510 --> 00:21:35,290 Andrew. 520 00:21:36,425 --> 00:21:37,165 Sal. 521 00:21:39,254 --> 00:21:40,264 -What are you doing here? -[CLEARS THROAT] 522 00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:43,261 The court stenographer called me. 523 00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,995 Don't worry. I'm here to help. 524 00:21:45,086 --> 00:21:46,166 How can you help me? 525 00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:47,221 Please, how can you help me? 526 00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,996 I know a lot of people. 527 00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,440 I could pull a few strings, talk to the judge. 528 00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,787 I guarantee I can get you out of here early. 529 00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:56,447 No, no, no, man. Early is not going to do it, okay. 530 00:21:56,532 --> 00:21:57,932 -Thanks. -I'm gonna get eaten alive in here. 531 00:21:58,012 --> 00:21:59,622 Sal. 532 00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:01,319 I'm going to take care of you. 533 00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,277 [SOFTLY] We are going to change the world. 534 00:22:10,677 --> 00:22:11,237 We're gonna change the world, huh? 535 00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:14,635 Yeah. 536 00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:17,644 Your mother and I have been waiting for 30 years for this day. 537 00:22:17,727 --> 00:22:18,687 Yeah, well, you're both fuckin' nuts! 538 00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,122 We are not... 539 00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:20,948 Yeah, you are. You're fuckin' nuts. 540 00:22:21,035 --> 00:22:22,945 We are not nuts, Sal. 541 00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:25,037 Your mother was a pregnant virgin. 542 00:22:25,126 --> 00:22:26,516 Okay, well, then there's got to be another explanation 543 00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:27,426 for this pregnant virgin thing. 544 00:22:29,565 --> 00:22:33,565 Sal, I have devoted my entire life to being a priest. 545 00:22:33,656 --> 00:22:35,476 -And do you know why? -Yeah, 'cause you want to be Bishop. 546 00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:37,051 No. That's not the reason why. 547 00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:38,658 Well, you talk about it a lot. 548 00:22:38,748 --> 00:22:40,178 Like, "When I'm Bishop this, when I'm Bishop that." 549 00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:42,271 A guy's got to have ambition. 550 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,411 But that's not the reason I became a priest. 551 00:22:44,493 --> 00:22:46,453 Why then? Because you work, like, two, three hours a day? 552 00:22:46,539 --> 00:22:48,019 No, that's not it. 553 00:22:48,105 --> 00:22:50,365 Well, putting wafers on people's tongue 554 00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:51,886 doesn't tell them they're going to hell, that's not work, you know. 555 00:22:51,979 --> 00:22:52,849 There's a lot more to it than that. 556 00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:54,326 -Really? -Yes. 557 00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,196 I have to do weddings, baptisms, confessionals, 558 00:22:57,288 --> 00:22:59,068 funerals, oh, funerals. 559 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,160 Funerals are very challenging. 560 00:23:01,249 --> 00:23:02,769 How's a funeral challenging? The guy's already dead. 561 00:23:02,859 --> 00:23:04,689 -You dig the grave? -Of course not. 562 00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,824 -Oh, you don't dig the grave, do you? -Of course, I don't. 563 00:23:06,907 --> 00:23:08,297 Okay, listen, you live in a mansion that you don't have to pay rent for, 564 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,817 so other than the celibacy thing, 565 00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,960 I think you got a pretty sweet deal, bro. 566 00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:13,782 You know what? I think I think I'm going to become a priest. 567 00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:15,480 Gonna get out of here and do the priest thing for a little bit, you know... 568 00:23:15,568 --> 00:23:16,658 You know, I'm just gonna go right now and call your mother. 569 00:23:16,743 --> 00:23:17,833 Okay, good. Thank you. 570 00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:19,178 But here's a little bit of advice. 571 00:23:19,267 --> 00:23:20,787 Be careful about what you eat. 572 00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:22,577 They use peanuts as filler. 573 00:23:22,662 --> 00:23:24,452 -Oh, they use penis as fillers? -Everything... 574 00:23:24,533 --> 00:23:25,843 -Penis? I never... -You said, penis as filler. No, you did. 575 00:23:25,926 --> 00:23:27,006 -Sal, I never said... -I'm pretty sure you did. 576 00:23:27,101 --> 00:23:28,321 I think I would know if I said... Okay. 577 00:23:29,364 --> 00:23:30,454 [CLEARS THROAT] 578 00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:32,059 Just don't eat them. 579 00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:33,499 Relax. I'm not actually allergic to peanuts. 580 00:23:33,586 --> 00:23:35,066 -Sal... -What? 581 00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:36,462 I've known you your whole life. 582 00:23:36,545 --> 00:23:37,935 You are allergic to peanuts. 583 00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:40,065 No. Vince is allergic to peanuts. 584 00:23:40,157 --> 00:23:41,857 I just said I was, so other kids would make fun of me. 585 00:23:41,942 --> 00:23:42,602 You know what a pussy that guy is. 586 00:23:43,683 --> 00:23:45,733 What? So... 587 00:23:45,815 --> 00:23:47,985 You're telling me that you pretended to be allergic 588 00:23:48,078 --> 00:23:49,338 just so that Vince wouldn't feel bad? 589 00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:50,689 Yeah. 590 00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:52,387 Oh. 591 00:23:53,127 --> 00:23:54,777 Holy shit. 592 00:23:54,868 --> 00:23:57,738 Holy, holy, holiest of shits. 593 00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:03,527 Sal isn't allergic to peanuts. 594 00:24:03,616 --> 00:24:05,616 Holy shit. You scared me. 595 00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:08,225 He faked a peanut allergy so Vince wouldn't feel bad. 596 00:24:08,316 --> 00:24:09,616 This is proof that he's the Second Coming. 597 00:24:10,623 --> 00:24:12,103 How is that proof? 598 00:24:12,189 --> 00:24:14,499 Who forgoes an entire food so somebody else feels better? 599 00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:15,853 Vegetarians. 600 00:24:15,932 --> 00:24:17,112 Okay, sure. 601 00:24:17,194 --> 00:24:19,114 But for one specific person? 602 00:24:19,196 --> 00:24:20,366 First of all, how do you know this? 603 00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:21,759 I just talked to Sal. 604 00:24:21,851 --> 00:24:23,941 He's in prison. 605 00:24:24,027 --> 00:24:26,067 He got arrested at an erotic massage house. 606 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,730 Oh, for the love of God! 607 00:24:27,814 --> 00:24:30,474 But as long as he's not allergic to peanuts, everything's fine. 608 00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:31,636 You're missing the point. 609 00:24:31,731 --> 00:24:33,251 This means that he's a good person. 610 00:24:33,341 --> 00:24:35,341 A great person. 611 00:24:35,430 --> 00:24:38,960 The only reason that he is so spoiled and entitled is because of us! 612 00:24:39,042 --> 00:24:40,912 This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt 613 00:24:41,001 --> 00:24:43,921 that he is the savior. 614 00:24:44,004 --> 00:24:46,404 My doctor says there's another explanation 615 00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:47,615 for getting pregnant without sex. 616 00:24:48,530 --> 00:24:50,270 Parthenogenesis. 617 00:24:50,358 --> 00:24:52,268 -That's one person's opinion. -She's a doctor. 618 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:53,880 A family doctor. Come on! 619 00:24:53,970 --> 00:24:56,230 Still, it's the first opinion that makes sense. 620 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:57,280 Finally! 621 00:24:57,974 --> 00:25:00,114 Wait. 622 00:25:00,194 --> 00:25:03,244 How often did she say that this partheno thing happens anyway? 623 00:25:04,851 --> 00:25:06,941 Not often. It's very rare. 624 00:25:07,810 --> 00:25:09,330 Every 2,000 years rare? 625 00:25:11,074 --> 00:25:12,954 [SIGHS DEEPLY] 626 00:25:13,033 --> 00:25:15,783 Maria, just because something is a fluke, 627 00:25:15,862 --> 00:25:18,132 doesn't mean that it's not special. 628 00:25:18,212 --> 00:25:20,132 In fact, it means just the opposite. 629 00:25:23,043 --> 00:25:25,353 SAL: Okay, so you guys are gonna bail me out though, right? 630 00:25:25,436 --> 00:25:27,436 -Yeah, as soon as we get the money. -Yeah. 631 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:29,656 -But it's gonna take a little bit of time. -Yeah. 632 00:25:29,745 --> 00:25:32,005 I mean, it's pretty hard to save the world from inside a jail, 633 00:25:32,095 --> 00:25:35,185 -that's for sure. -Okay, listen, I've been thinking that there is 634 00:25:35,272 --> 00:25:37,322 probably another explanation for this whole pregnant virgin thing. 635 00:25:37,405 --> 00:25:39,535 Just sort of spitballing here but, what if... 636 00:25:41,801 --> 00:25:43,281 You did have sex with someone. 637 00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,327 Oh! I think I'd remember losing my virginity. 638 00:25:46,414 --> 00:25:48,464 But what if you, like, blocked it out mentally, 639 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,287 because you were, like... 640 00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:53,771 Raped. 641 00:25:53,856 --> 00:25:55,206 -I was raped. -What? 642 00:25:55,292 --> 00:25:57,252 -By God. -Absolutely not. No. 643 00:25:57,338 --> 00:26:00,168 Well, I never consented but I'm happy that he did it. 644 00:26:00,254 --> 00:26:01,654 Stop saying that you were raped by God. 645 00:26:01,734 --> 00:26:03,214 Okay, look, if I'm Jesus, 646 00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:05,300 how come I can't shoot out miracles, huh? 647 00:26:05,389 --> 00:26:07,299 Like in the Bible, always shooting out miracles, right? 648 00:26:07,391 --> 00:26:09,831 Sal, that's because the Bible is just a book of fables. 649 00:26:09,916 --> 00:26:12,046 Simple tales meant to convey 650 00:26:12,135 --> 00:26:14,265 moral lessons for simple people. 651 00:26:14,355 --> 00:26:18,095 And anyway, you don't need miracles to get followers. 652 00:26:18,185 --> 00:26:21,095 But you need unconditional love and kindness. 653 00:26:21,188 --> 00:26:22,968 Okay, I'm a little fucked in half in here, aren't I? 654 00:26:23,059 --> 00:26:24,759 Okay, about that... 655 00:26:24,844 --> 00:26:26,414 I have done an awful lot of counseling for prisoners. 656 00:26:26,497 --> 00:26:28,107 So, here's what you got to do. 657 00:26:28,195 --> 00:26:29,235 The moment you walk in the joint, 658 00:26:29,326 --> 00:26:31,066 walk up to the biggest, toughest guy 659 00:26:31,154 --> 00:26:32,424 and just sock him in the jaw. 660 00:26:32,503 --> 00:26:34,203 [SIGHS] Jesus. 661 00:26:34,288 --> 00:26:35,458 [BUZZER SOUNDING] 662 00:26:38,205 --> 00:26:39,685 [PRISONERS LAUGHING AND CHATTING] 663 00:26:58,878 --> 00:27:00,178 [PRISONERS EXCLAIMING] 664 00:27:02,882 --> 00:27:04,752 Fuck! You got a death wish? What the fuck's wrong with you? 665 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,630 I'm just earning respect that my priest told me to. 666 00:27:06,712 --> 00:27:08,022 -Respect? -[PANTING] 667 00:27:08,104 --> 00:27:08,894 Peepers was blind as a bat. 668 00:27:11,325 --> 00:27:13,755 -Peepers? -Think you can just hit someone in here 669 00:27:13,849 --> 00:27:15,289 and not pay for it? 670 00:27:15,372 --> 00:27:16,292 This ain't a fucking movie, man! 671 00:27:16,373 --> 00:27:17,113 PEEPERS: Wait! 672 00:27:18,158 --> 00:27:19,118 I can see! 673 00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:22,823 -It's a miracle. -Holy shit. 674 00:27:24,381 --> 00:27:25,511 -I can see! -[YELLS] 675 00:27:26,427 --> 00:27:27,947 [THUDS] 676 00:27:28,037 --> 00:27:29,737 -Vince! -Let's do this now! 677 00:27:29,822 --> 00:27:30,562 SAL: Vince! No! 678 00:27:31,867 --> 00:27:33,607 [MUSIC PLAYING] 679 00:27:53,410 --> 00:27:53,980 [PAPER BAG RUSTLING] 680 00:27:55,804 --> 00:27:56,634 Don't worry. I didn't forget 681 00:27:57,763 --> 00:27:58,943 how much you like pie. 682 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:06,380 I'm sorry. 683 00:28:10,036 --> 00:28:11,036 I was just trying to help I guess, I don't know. 684 00:28:17,870 --> 00:28:18,960 [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY] 685 00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:21,403 You fat fuck. 686 00:28:24,311 --> 00:28:25,751 [MUSIC CONTINUES] 49760

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