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[narrator] In a few moments,
Special Counsel Robert Mueller
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00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:15,345
will deliver his first public
remarks on his investigation.
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00:00:15,345 --> 00:00:18,762
It's happening! There he is!
It's happening!
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00:00:18,762 --> 00:00:21,595
Hooray! He's gonna make
the case for impeachment
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00:00:21,595 --> 00:00:23,720
so we don't have to!
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00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,720
Oh, no! If Mueller read
the Mueller Report, I'm screwed!
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00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,178
[narrator] At long last,
here is Mr. Mueller.
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00:00:29,178 --> 00:00:30,387
[crowd chanting]
Mueller! Mueller!
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00:00:30,387 --> 00:00:33,011
I am speaking today to announce
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00:00:33,011 --> 00:00:36,011
that our investigation
is complete
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00:00:36,011 --> 00:00:38,720
and to reveal
to the American people
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00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,178
that I am really hurt
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00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:43,053
that only a few of you
read my big report.
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I worked super hard on it.
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00:00:45,011 --> 00:00:47,595
My wife said it was
the best thing she ever read.
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00:00:47,595 --> 00:00:48,929
Uh-oh.
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00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:52,011
Now let's get back
to this historic crisis,
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00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:56,345
which I've decided to punt to
our broken, shithead Congress.
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00:00:56,345 --> 00:00:59,095
The ball is now
in your turd-strewn court.
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Thanks for the homework,
asshole.
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00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:05,720
I trust a room of 500
backstabbing trash bags
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00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,428
of human sludge will come
to a swift consensus.
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00:01:09,428 --> 00:01:12,762
My god, Chuck. Will this
affect the infrastructure bill?!
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00:01:12,762 --> 00:01:14,553
Not if there's a god.
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00:01:14,553 --> 00:01:16,136
Now, I'm sure you expected
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00:01:16,136 --> 00:01:19,095
that with the eyes
of the nation upon me,
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00:01:19,095 --> 00:01:21,595
I would at the very least
summarize
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00:01:21,595 --> 00:01:23,595
the President's wrongdoings.
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Too bad. I'm a coward.
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Anyway, I quit.
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Good luck with the whole
saving America thing.
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[crowd] Boooo!
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00:01:30,011 --> 00:01:33,428
Wait. So it's all
on Pelosi? Boo!
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00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:37,220
It's all on me?!
Booooo!
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I'm invincible!
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[narrator]
And more breaking news.
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A new Fox News poll has Trump
trailing Biden by 11 points.
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Damn it!
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Look at me, Beto!
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I can stand on stuff, too! Unh!
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♪♪♪
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[news jingle plays]
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I'm Jake Tapper,
and I'll smile when I'm dead.
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We're going live now
to President Trump
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who's sitting down
with his cabinet
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00:02:03,178 --> 00:02:05,095
for a foreign-policy
discussion,
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and there appears to be
a small but growing fire.
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Let's tune in...
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Today, we're discussing
my latest proposal
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00:02:10,970 --> 00:02:12,720
for Middle East peace --
which I whipped up
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00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,095
while on the Pelaton
this morning --
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00:02:14,095 --> 00:02:16,261
So let's stay focused
on the task at hand --
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Shut up! Alright. This
is what we're gonna do.
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00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:20,345
Tomorrow we're launching
drone strikes on every country
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that was mean to me in this
dream I had last night --
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00:02:23,011 --> 00:02:25,178
Iraq, Belgium,
and Birdville.
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00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,929
My office has a big list
of all the countries,
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00:02:27,929 --> 00:02:29,845
and I don't think
Birdville is on the list.
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Also the fire has spread
to the hem of my pants.
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I'm with Pompeo on this one.
I also appear to be on fire.
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[Jared] Hey! Focus!
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[smoke alarm beeping]
Sprinklers!
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00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:42,762
DeVos, get out
the Slip 'N Slide!
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00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:45,512
Bolton, you sonuvabitch,
we need music!
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Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
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00:02:46,970 --> 00:02:48,178
♪ Close your eyes
and envision in your mind ♪
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♪ Innocent days
when you were... ♪
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That cabinet meeting
was more embarrassing
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00:02:51,220 --> 00:02:53,178
than my dad describing
the type of porn
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00:02:53,178 --> 00:02:54,512
he wanted me to
sneak into his prison.
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00:02:54,512 --> 00:02:56,178
An unnamed source
who definitely isn't me
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00:02:56,178 --> 00:02:58,261
is leaking that
the cabinet is in chaos.
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00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,720
Which is the kind of issue
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Democrats would love
to bury you with in 2020.
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Just let me get some
competent people in here.
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I know how to
hire people, Jared.
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I learned it from
the Dalai Lama himself
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at Trump Plaza in 1984.
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He taught me how to see
into a person's soul
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to determine
their true excellence.
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To know the best
when I see it.
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00:03:17,929 --> 00:03:20,470
And when I can't see it,
I can smell it.
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00:03:20,470 --> 00:03:23,011
And if it's smelly enough
and the windows are closed,
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I can kind of
taste it, too.
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Of course. The best is
whatever you say is the best.
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Don't you tell me
what the best is.
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The best is whatever
I say is the best!
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♪♪♪
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Aha, Chuck Todd!
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Now that I've destroyed
your argument
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against undocumented children
being housed
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three to a port-o-potty,
you must do penance
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00:03:42,261 --> 00:03:44,804
by flogging yourself
with this cat o' nine tails!
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00:03:44,804 --> 00:03:47,929
Ugh. I always regret
not knocking first.
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00:03:47,929 --> 00:03:49,595
Stevie, I'm afraid
your appearance
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00:03:49,595 --> 00:03:51,178
on Meet The Press
is canceled.
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00:03:51,178 --> 00:03:53,887
But, sir, I've been going on
as many Tinder dates as I can
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00:03:53,887 --> 00:03:55,762
just to practice
talking over people.
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00:03:55,762 --> 00:03:57,845
The media's coming
after my cabinet.
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I need someone
with sophistication.
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Not someone who time travelers
kept trying to kill
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00:04:01,804 --> 00:04:04,095
when they were a baby.
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00:04:04,095 --> 00:04:06,178
[Eric] You're not going to
replace your cabinet again,
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00:04:06,178 --> 00:04:08,595
are you, Dad?
Some of them are so new,
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00:04:08,595 --> 00:04:11,679
I can't talk to them because
of the Stranger Danger rule.
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00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,220
They're not going
anywhere,
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00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,762
unless Herman Cain
shows interest,
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00:04:14,762 --> 00:04:17,887
and I need to trade the whole
team to land that all-star.
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00:04:17,887 --> 00:04:20,512
Did you see what your
genius cabinet has done?
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00:04:20,512 --> 00:04:21,553
Cured cancer?
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00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,637
Trump's cabinet is cancer.
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00:04:23,637 --> 00:04:25,470
Heh. Talk about an air ball.
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00:04:25,470 --> 00:04:27,970
Here are screw-ups
from the past seven days.
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00:04:27,970 --> 00:04:30,136
John Bolton locked himself
in the trunk of his own car.
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00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:31,804
Mike Pompeo wore
traditional silk
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00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:33,053
to meet the Thai delegation
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00:04:33,053 --> 00:04:34,470
and kept sliding off
all the furniture.
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00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:36,136
Ben Carson fell down
the same well
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00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:37,929
he's fallen down six times.
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00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,553
Anyone looks bad when you focus
on what they did.
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00:04:40,553 --> 00:04:43,970
I am only in the same house
as you a few days a year.
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00:04:43,970 --> 00:04:47,303
Hire someone to control these
idiots so I can feel safe.
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00:04:47,303 --> 00:04:49,970
I suppose it couldn't hurt
to interview a candidate or two.
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00:04:49,970 --> 00:04:52,220
You know, just in case
any staff get caught
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00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:55,303
joining the mile-high club
on a log flume!
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00:04:55,303 --> 00:04:57,470
If you don't get caught,
you're not doing it right!
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00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:58,679
♪♪♪
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00:04:58,679 --> 00:05:02,387
Say hello to your next
Chief of Staff, Tim Pawlenty.
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00:05:02,387 --> 00:05:04,345
Former state rep,
governor of Minnesota,
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00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,637
and chair of several
presidential campaigns.
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00:05:06,637 --> 00:05:08,220
Our schedule
is pretty grueling.
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00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,720
We demand
a three-week commitment,
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00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:13,178
followed by two weeks of being
maligned by me on social media.
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00:05:13,178 --> 00:05:16,178
Those you can work from home.
Now let's see what you can do.
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00:05:16,178 --> 00:05:19,261
I am here to put
this house in order.
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00:05:19,261 --> 00:05:22,553
First, everyone
must attend all meetings.
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00:05:22,553 --> 00:05:25,178
No more dressing your
housekeeper up in your clothes
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00:05:25,178 --> 00:05:26,679
and sending her
in your place.
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00:05:26,679 --> 00:05:28,345
[all groan]
Uh-uh-uh.
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00:05:28,345 --> 00:05:30,887
And for the sake
of time-management,
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00:05:30,887 --> 00:05:33,762
no wasting ten minutes
complimenting the President,
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00:05:33,762 --> 00:05:38,011
and we all read your briefings
together, word by --
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00:05:38,011 --> 00:05:39,845
Tim Pawlenty is so fired!
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00:05:39,845 --> 00:05:42,345
I'd like to thank Tim for
his eight minutes of service,
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00:05:42,345 --> 00:05:44,679
but I can't because
he was terrible!
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00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:46,970
It's been an honor to
serve you, Mr. President.
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00:05:46,970 --> 00:05:50,095
Ugh! Go back to Minnesota
and milk a lake!
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00:05:50,095 --> 00:05:51,762
Go on, get!
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00:05:51,762 --> 00:05:53,387
So things get
a little bumpy
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00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:56,553
and you go running into
the boring arms of Pawlenty?
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00:05:56,553 --> 00:05:59,220
Relax. Jared says he has
other great candidates.
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00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:00,428
Ever heard of
Newt Gingrich?
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00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:03,178
Jared knows this guy
who looks exactly like him.
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00:06:03,178 --> 00:06:06,178
But only you know
who the best people are.
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00:06:06,178 --> 00:06:07,345
What's your gut tell you?
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00:06:07,345 --> 00:06:09,512
-Bigfoot is real.
-What else?
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00:06:09,512 --> 00:06:11,553
It's telling me that maybe
we shouldn't hire someone
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00:06:11,553 --> 00:06:13,470
just because
he's got a good résumé
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00:06:13,470 --> 00:06:15,720
and never ran
a glass-bottom boat ashore.
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00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,553
[Miller] I just feel
like I'm in a rut.
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00:06:18,553 --> 00:06:21,053
The President won't give me
a high-profile role
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00:06:21,053 --> 00:06:24,053
that allows me
to really spread my ooze.
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00:06:24,053 --> 00:06:26,345
Not everyone has
the charismatic
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00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:30,095
megawatt "it" factor
that makes me a star.
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00:06:30,095 --> 00:06:32,261
-You're trash!
-Rot in hell! Shame
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00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:33,428
-Shame! Shame!
-Shame! Shame!
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00:06:33,428 --> 00:06:34,762
For the sake
of other diners,
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00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:37,595
and so I can look my future
grandchildren in the eye,
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00:06:37,595 --> 00:06:38,929
I must ask you to leave.
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00:06:38,929 --> 00:06:41,970
I'll take this to go.
If the chef spits in it again,
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00:06:41,970 --> 00:06:44,053
tell him to gargle
some Cholula first.
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00:06:44,053 --> 00:06:45,303
It could use a kick.
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00:06:45,303 --> 00:06:47,095
[Cruz] Well!
Well, well, well!
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00:06:47,095 --> 00:06:49,512
If it isn't Trump's
human shield.
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00:06:49,512 --> 00:06:51,428
Can't go out in public
without somebody
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00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:53,804
taking a long hot wizz
on their shoes.
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00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,428
I remember those days.
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00:06:55,428 --> 00:06:58,512
That was before I grew the beard
and everything changed.
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00:06:58,512 --> 00:07:01,220
Growing facial hair
made people like Ted Cruz?
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00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,136
Senator Cruz,
right this way.
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00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:05,428
The other diners can't wait
to regard the majesty
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00:07:05,428 --> 00:07:06,887
of your
plentiful whiskers.
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00:07:06,887 --> 00:07:10,136
Ah-ha-ha! I'd tell 'em to take
a picture, it'll last longer,
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00:07:10,136 --> 00:07:12,470
but I don't show up
in photographs!
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00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:15,637
♪♪♪
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00:07:15,637 --> 00:07:17,387
[President Trump] I don't
want new people, Jared.
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00:07:17,387 --> 00:07:19,970
But Americans no longer
trust your cabinet.
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00:07:19,970 --> 00:07:21,762
This is the first time
since the founding
190
00:07:21,762 --> 00:07:24,553
that the White House has been
denied homeowners insurance.
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00:07:24,553 --> 00:07:26,303
How can you know that
these people are the best?
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00:07:26,303 --> 00:07:29,136
Jared, when your dad
picked out which prostitute
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00:07:29,136 --> 00:07:31,261
to film your uncle
having sex with,
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00:07:31,261 --> 00:07:33,178
he didn't hold
a casting call.
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00:07:33,178 --> 00:07:34,804
He just knew.
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00:07:34,804 --> 00:07:37,637
Just like I can't know someone's
the best by his résumé.
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00:07:37,637 --> 00:07:39,970
I know it by the joke
he writes on the check
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00:07:39,970 --> 00:07:41,762
where he's supposed to
leave a tip.
199
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,929
My cabinet
is already the best.
200
00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:45,428
And I'm going to
teach them
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00:07:45,428 --> 00:07:48,428
to unlock that bestness
within themselves.
202
00:07:48,428 --> 00:07:49,720
You know what?
Let's -- Let's do it.
203
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,136
Let's make your team
so competent
204
00:07:51,136 --> 00:07:53,095
that they'll stop showing up
late because they went
205
00:07:53,095 --> 00:07:54,470
to the wrong
White House.
206
00:07:54,470 --> 00:07:56,553
[Ben Carson, echoing]
Help! Help!
207
00:07:56,553 --> 00:07:58,637
Ben Carson fell down
the well again, sir.
208
00:07:58,637 --> 00:08:01,053
Lower a bucket of saltines
to him, Kellyanne!
209
00:08:01,053 --> 00:08:05,053
A lot of saltines!
He's got a big day tomorrow!
210
00:08:05,053 --> 00:08:08,512
♪♪♪
211
00:08:08,512 --> 00:08:10,595
Today's gonna be
a little different.
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00:08:10,595 --> 00:08:11,970
Follow the President's lead,
213
00:08:11,970 --> 00:08:15,303
or you'll be just another loser
on the unemployment line
214
00:08:15,303 --> 00:08:17,261
with a million-dollar
book deal.
215
00:08:17,261 --> 00:08:19,804
[President Trump]
Did someone say "loser"?
216
00:08:19,804 --> 00:08:20,929
[all gasp]
217
00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:22,553
How'd you sneak in here?!
218
00:08:22,553 --> 00:08:24,720
Am I here?
219
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,845
♪ ethereal music playing ♪
220
00:08:26,845 --> 00:08:31,303
♪♪♪
221
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,720
-Or am I here?
-Ooh!
222
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,136
They say you're losers,
the worst cabinet in history.
223
00:08:37,136 --> 00:08:40,720
With my teaching, you'll be able
to look them in the eye and say,
224
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,970
"No, you're the worst cabinet
in history!"
225
00:08:43,970 --> 00:08:45,845
Your journey begins now.
226
00:08:45,845 --> 00:08:50,178
Come with me
if you want to live.
227
00:08:50,178 --> 00:08:52,220
Oh, God damn it.
I don't wanna...
228
00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:54,637
Again? Oh, no.
Come on.
229
00:08:54,637 --> 00:08:58,470
I don't wanna go anywhere.
Oh, why do we have to go --
230
00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:01,053
Ugh. Jesus Christ. No.
231
00:09:01,053 --> 00:09:03,595
[Cruz] This is the first time
I've had a visitor.
232
00:09:03,595 --> 00:09:05,387
Are you peckish?
Can I offer you
233
00:09:05,387 --> 00:09:07,470
a cold battery from
my freezer to suck on?
234
00:09:07,470 --> 00:09:09,303
Say, what's that
on your face?
235
00:09:09,303 --> 00:09:11,595
I want to become more likable
in the eyes of the President,
236
00:09:11,595 --> 00:09:14,428
so I grew a beard
exactly like yours.
237
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:15,512
Any notes?
238
00:09:15,512 --> 00:09:17,220
I'm afraid Donald Trump
thinks a man
239
00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:20,470
should keep his face as smooth
as a 3-D printed assault rifle.
240
00:09:20,470 --> 00:09:23,387
He does like a nice
head of hair, though.
241
00:09:23,387 --> 00:09:25,679
You can make a wig
out of my beard shavings.
242
00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,679
I would donate it
to a cancer kids charity,
243
00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:29,804
but it causes
a vitamin D deficiency
244
00:09:29,804 --> 00:09:32,762
as well as a massive spike
in every other vitamin.
245
00:09:32,762 --> 00:09:35,929
Now you just need a complete
personality transformation.
246
00:09:35,929 --> 00:09:39,303
But who will save America from
caravans of Guatemalan moms
247
00:09:39,303 --> 00:09:40,512
if not Stephen Miller?!
248
00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:44,136
Stephen Miller is dead!
Don't you get it?!
249
00:09:44,136 --> 00:09:46,303
Now let's go make
some hair-lovin' friends.
250
00:09:46,303 --> 00:09:48,011
♪ ethereal music playing ♪
251
00:09:48,011 --> 00:09:51,929
To be the best, you must believe
you are the best at everything.
252
00:09:51,929 --> 00:09:54,428
I want each of you
to walk a tightrope
253
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:55,970
to the Washington Monument.
254
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:59,470
The best do not hesitate;
they simply do.
255
00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:02,178
Use the force.
There is no spoon.
256
00:10:02,178 --> 00:10:04,136
Time to make the donuts.
257
00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:05,303
-I believe in you.
-You got this!
258
00:10:05,303 --> 00:10:06,595
Watch out
for airplanes.
259
00:10:06,595 --> 00:10:08,136
Now I believe in physics!
[body thuds]
260
00:10:08,136 --> 00:10:09,804
-You're up, Bolton.
-You can do it, Bolton.
261
00:10:09,804 --> 00:10:11,595
[Bolton]
Look at me! I'm a bomb!
262
00:10:11,595 --> 00:10:12,762
Kaboom!
[body thuds]
263
00:10:12,762 --> 00:10:14,970
Yeah, I think I got this.
264
00:10:14,970 --> 00:10:16,220
[body thuds]
265
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,261
This is terrible.
What else is on?
266
00:10:18,261 --> 00:10:19,762
Sir, let me take a crack.
267
00:10:19,762 --> 00:10:21,720
If I can hold my nose
and work for
268
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,970
a casino bankrupting
failed steak salesmen --
269
00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:26,470
not you --
I can turn this crew around.
270
00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:27,553
[body thuds]
271
00:10:27,553 --> 00:10:28,970
[soft piano music playing]
272
00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:32,970
Mister Cruz, lovely to see you
and that coarse thicket.
273
00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:35,220
Who is your elegantly
coiffed companion?
274
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:37,387
This is my friend
from politics.
275
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,512
His name is --
Stefan!
276
00:10:39,512 --> 00:10:41,679
Je m'appelle
Stefan Millar.
277
00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:44,720
I am Washington's
newest cad about town.
278
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,595
It's ya boy!
279
00:10:46,595 --> 00:10:49,595
Thank god you said Stefan
Millar and not Stephen Miller.
280
00:10:49,595 --> 00:10:52,762
He's as disgusting as
the things we do to his food.
281
00:10:52,762 --> 00:10:54,970
Sea bass marinated
in the liquid wrung from
282
00:10:54,970 --> 00:10:57,011
the bus boy's
exercise undergarments.
283
00:10:57,011 --> 00:10:59,387
Table bread that's been dipped
in industrial cleaner
284
00:10:59,387 --> 00:11:00,637
and used to clean tables.
285
00:11:00,637 --> 00:11:02,553
That one actually tasted
pretty good.
286
00:11:02,553 --> 00:11:05,470
I once straight up took a dump
on his kale Caesar.
287
00:11:05,470 --> 00:11:07,178
Right this way,
Mister Millar!
288
00:11:07,178 --> 00:11:09,178
Yes, sir!
289
00:11:09,178 --> 00:11:12,220
[Conway]
Before you sits a spirit potion
290
00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:15,470
composed of Diet Coke
concentrate and expired pills
291
00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:18,178
I swiped from
the President's nightstand.
292
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,720
Drink deep, and you will walk
the path to bestness...
293
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,345
or you'll die instantly.
294
00:11:23,345 --> 00:11:24,553
Win, win.
295
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:27,095
[all slurping]
296
00:11:27,095 --> 00:11:29,011
[thud]
297
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,970
We have the best people...
298
00:11:31,970 --> 00:11:34,220
The best people...
The best people...
299
00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:35,887
The best people...
The best people...
300
00:11:35,887 --> 00:11:37,720
Best people. We have
the best people in the world.
301
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,428
The best people...
Best people...
302
00:11:39,428 --> 00:11:40,887
Best people...best people...
303
00:11:40,887 --> 00:11:42,553
Best people...best people...
304
00:11:42,553 --> 00:11:44,887
Best people...best people...
best people...
305
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,720
♪ ethereal music playing ♪
306
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,261
I'm finally dead.
And I still have my wallet!
307
00:11:52,261 --> 00:11:54,679
I knew I could take
my money with me!
308
00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,720
No way would I be dead
and not burning in hell.
309
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,887
Must be some lame
spiritual plane
310
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:02,053
where all truth
is revealed.
311
00:12:02,053 --> 00:12:05,679
[footsteps thudding]
312
00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:07,970
[thunderous]
To walk the path to bestness,
313
00:12:07,970 --> 00:12:10,720
you must embrace
these truths --
314
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,387
If he says it, you agree.
315
00:12:13,387 --> 00:12:15,762
Do not do for yourself
what you can scam
316
00:12:15,762 --> 00:12:18,929
a subcontractor
into doing for you.
317
00:12:18,929 --> 00:12:22,220
And Graydon Carter should have
been fired from Vanity Fair
318
00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:23,970
a long time ago,
319
00:12:23,970 --> 00:12:27,553
that magazine has never
recovered, such a shame.
320
00:12:27,553 --> 00:12:31,011
[all, hypnotized] I agree.
Scam subcontractors.
321
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,929
Graydon Carter sucks.
322
00:12:32,929 --> 00:12:36,053
I agree.
Scam subcontractors.
323
00:12:36,053 --> 00:12:39,553
Graydon Carter sucks.
I agree.
324
00:12:39,553 --> 00:12:42,053
[camera shutter clicking]
325
00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:46,136
How 'bout that economy?
Is it doing great or what?
326
00:12:46,136 --> 00:12:48,303
I...agree?
327
00:12:48,303 --> 00:12:50,679
Wow!
Nothin' but net, Bolton.
328
00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:52,887
-Betsy. Schools?
-Very schools!
329
00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:53,804
Swish!
330
00:12:53,804 --> 00:12:55,595
Mike Pompeo,
North Korea?
331
00:12:55,595 --> 00:12:57,553
Uh, gettin' Norther
every day.
332
00:12:57,553 --> 00:12:58,804
Three points
and the foul.
333
00:12:58,804 --> 00:13:00,595
-Mnuchin?
-We got money in the thing.
334
00:13:00,595 --> 00:13:03,095
Basketball went in
the basketball basket!
335
00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:04,804
Last but not least,
Ben Carson.
336
00:13:04,804 --> 00:13:07,970
Where are we on --
Graydon Carter sucks?
337
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:09,804
Ben with
the buzzer beater!
338
00:13:09,804 --> 00:13:12,887
They gave that guy
a magazine? Terrible.
339
00:13:12,887 --> 00:13:16,220
Everyone,
you are truly the best.
340
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,553
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
341
00:13:18,553 --> 00:13:20,804
♪ It's "Fox & Friends" ♪
342
00:13:20,804 --> 00:13:22,178
Last week,
we said the President
343
00:13:22,178 --> 00:13:24,387
should have his
entire cabinet executed
344
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,470
and run the government
by himself.
345
00:13:26,470 --> 00:13:27,929
But we're eatin' those words
346
00:13:27,929 --> 00:13:29,762
after yesterday's
cabinet meeting
347
00:13:29,762 --> 00:13:32,679
went off without a single gun
fired into the ceilin'!
348
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,011
I won them back!
349
00:13:34,011 --> 00:13:36,136
And they've questioned
my every move
350
00:13:36,136 --> 00:13:37,970
since declaring me infallible.
351
00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:39,970
When we come back,
the hot goss
352
00:13:39,970 --> 00:13:42,428
on the Beltway It Boy,
Stefan Millar.
353
00:13:42,428 --> 00:13:44,637
Just last night
he was seen at a restaurant
354
00:13:44,637 --> 00:13:47,011
Gwyneth Paltrow
might visit someday.
355
00:13:47,011 --> 00:13:48,845
Jared, get me Stefan Millar.
356
00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:51,929
He's got something special --
he was just on my TV.
357
00:13:51,929 --> 00:13:54,303
[photographer]
GQ loves you so much.
358
00:13:54,303 --> 00:13:56,553
Now break that news, baby.
I can take it.
359
00:13:56,553 --> 00:13:57,970
[camera shutter clicking]
360
00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,095
Stefan Millar
is less a spokesperson
361
00:14:00,095 --> 00:14:01,970
and more a way of life.
362
00:14:01,970 --> 00:14:03,428
[voice whispers] Stefan...
363
00:14:03,428 --> 00:14:06,178
A lot of people tell me I'm the
smartest guy they've ever met.
364
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,261
And I'm like,
"You need to meet more people!"
365
00:14:08,261 --> 00:14:09,887
[voice whispers]
Meet more people...
366
00:14:09,887 --> 00:14:13,762
Confession! I've gone to
the grocery store in pajamas!
367
00:14:13,762 --> 00:14:15,220
[voice whispers] Relatable...
368
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,720
People ask me what I'm thinking
about during these things.
369
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,136
To be honest --
pizza and Netflix. Ha!
370
00:14:21,136 --> 00:14:23,261
[Mnuchin] Here's to
being the best people,
371
00:14:23,261 --> 00:14:25,512
and all it took
was drinking poison.
372
00:14:25,512 --> 00:14:26,762
[all] Cheers!
373
00:14:26,762 --> 00:14:30,345
Oh, wow. A fan's sending us
a bottle of wine.
374
00:14:30,345 --> 00:14:31,845
[bottles shattering]
375
00:14:31,845 --> 00:14:34,053
-You still suck!
-We still hate you!
376
00:14:34,053 --> 00:14:36,762
Excuse me. Uh, since
my name is already
377
00:14:36,762 --> 00:14:39,387
a nationwide trending topic
just for approaching your table,
378
00:14:39,387 --> 00:14:41,553
I must ask you to leave.
[diners shouting]
379
00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,762
[President Trump]
Stefan Millar, I saw you
380
00:14:43,762 --> 00:14:46,011
on Fox & Friends,
so you got the job.
381
00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:48,387
I'm thinking new
press secretary/
382
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,428
speechwriter/best friend.
383
00:14:50,428 --> 00:14:52,595
-I won't let you down, sir!
-Cool.
384
00:14:52,595 --> 00:14:55,720
Your first job is to fire
the guy you're replacing.
385
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,053
Get Stephen Miller
in here.
386
00:14:57,053 --> 00:14:59,929
Um, shouldn't I fill out
my on-boarding paperwork first?
387
00:14:59,929 --> 00:15:01,553
We don't do that
kind of thing here.
388
00:15:01,553 --> 00:15:04,804
This is gonna be pathetic.
I can't watch.
389
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,887
Um...
390
00:15:06,887 --> 00:15:08,345
[as Miller] This is
Stephen Miller!
391
00:15:08,345 --> 00:15:10,762
Who are you,
and why are you so cool?!
392
00:15:10,762 --> 00:15:12,178
[as Millar]
I'm Stefan Millar,
393
00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:13,720
and you're fired,
Stephen Miller.
394
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,345
[as Miller]
But Mr. President,
395
00:15:15,345 --> 00:15:16,762
I, Stephen Miller,
can change!
396
00:15:16,762 --> 00:15:19,053
I can't hear you, Stevie.
My back is turned.
397
00:15:19,053 --> 00:15:21,762
I, Stephen Miller,
won't leave without a fight!
398
00:15:21,762 --> 00:15:25,220
I challenge you, Stefan Millar,
to a sword fight!
399
00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:26,679
Draw your sword,
coward!
400
00:15:26,679 --> 00:15:27,970
Ting! Ting! Shing!
401
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,220
Wow. I'd turn around
and watch,
402
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,470
but I don't want to move out
of this nice warm sunbeam.
403
00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:35,303
[as Miller] Hunh! Curses!
404
00:15:35,303 --> 00:15:37,720
I, Stephen Miller, am slain!
405
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,011
Tell Rush Limbaugh...
406
00:15:39,011 --> 00:15:40,970
I'll be tuning in
from on high.
407
00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:43,387
Arrrgh!
408
00:15:43,387 --> 00:15:44,720
Whew!
409
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,679
[as Millar] Who are you
five lovely maidens?
410
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,887
[high-pitched voice] We are
Stephen Miller's girlfriends!
411
00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:53,136
[voices differing] Sandy, Mandy,
Candy, Tandy, and Shandy!
412
00:15:53,136 --> 00:15:55,345
Who will give us
the gift of child now?
413
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:58,303
[as Millar] I, Stefan Millar,
will fertilize each of you
414
00:15:58,303 --> 00:15:59,970
with my oxygenized seed.
415
00:15:59,970 --> 00:16:01,261
[high-pitched voice]
Oh, thank heavens!
416
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:04,011
See you later for
the good type of sex
417
00:16:04,011 --> 00:16:06,303
we had with Stephen Miller
all of the time.
418
00:16:06,303 --> 00:16:09,220
[deep voice] Wee-oo wee-oo!
We are the police!
419
00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:11,845
We would arrest you for murder,
but you're just too cool.
420
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,637
Here, we'll get this body
out of the way. Unh!
421
00:16:14,637 --> 00:16:16,804
Holy hell!
What a ripped body!
422
00:16:16,804 --> 00:16:19,595
Weee-oo! Weee-oo!
423
00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:22,679
[as Millar, panting]
It's done, sir.
424
00:16:22,679 --> 00:16:24,345
How did he take it?
425
00:16:24,345 --> 00:16:26,970
[President Trump]
I know everyone's a little down,
426
00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:29,011
but this is the burden
of being the best.
427
00:16:29,011 --> 00:16:31,470
The Dalai Lama was hated
so much, not a single
428
00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:34,387
Atlantic City T-shirt shop
let him use their bathroom.
429
00:16:34,387 --> 00:16:39,136
But the important thing is,
I'm happy, so everything's fine!
430
00:16:39,136 --> 00:16:40,720
Maybe it's because
someone poured
431
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,220
béarnaise sauce
into my handbag,
432
00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:44,887
but I'm not feeling
the best anymore.
433
00:16:44,887 --> 00:16:46,220
-Join the club, sister.
-Yeah.
434
00:16:46,220 --> 00:16:47,845
There's a steak knife
in my leg.
435
00:16:47,845 --> 00:16:50,387
[President Trump]
Your only rule is...
436
00:16:50,387 --> 00:16:53,220
if Stephen Miller would have
said it, say the opposite.
437
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:57,136
I guess his ideas did only make
sense to people hung like him.
438
00:16:57,136 --> 00:17:00,011
Meet my new press secretary,
Stefan Millar.
439
00:17:00,011 --> 00:17:02,011
He's gonna charm
the pants off ya,
440
00:17:02,011 --> 00:17:04,553
so leave your pants over there
in the bin marked "pants."
441
00:17:04,553 --> 00:17:06,470
Stefan, how do you feel
about the ruling
442
00:17:06,470 --> 00:17:08,845
that the undocumented
can't be detained indefinitely?
443
00:17:08,845 --> 00:17:12,679
[strained] Jim...
I...am not furious.
444
00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:14,637
And we are not...
445
00:17:14,637 --> 00:17:18,303
planning to rendition the judges
to a black site in Qatar.
446
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:22,345
Go easy, guys. This is Stefan
Millar, not Stephen Miller.
447
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,845
You can tell because Stefan
didn't just finish eating
448
00:17:24,845 --> 00:17:27,470
a candy bar that I rubbed
on a bathroom floor.
449
00:17:27,470 --> 00:17:29,553
[reporters chuckling]
Good one, Mr. President.
450
00:17:29,553 --> 00:17:32,553
When my Grandpa died, I slipped
a stick of gum into his coffin,
451
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:34,261
then a year later,
I dug up the body,
452
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:36,595
grabbed the stick of gum,
and gave it to Stephen Miller.
453
00:17:36,595 --> 00:17:37,804
He chewed it on camera!
454
00:17:37,804 --> 00:17:38,887
[reporters and Trump
laughing uproariously]
455
00:17:38,887 --> 00:17:41,178
Acosta, you're alright.
456
00:17:42,804 --> 00:17:44,345
[island music playing]
457
00:17:44,345 --> 00:17:47,637
I made Palomas, no thanks
to you jerkholes.
458
00:17:47,637 --> 00:17:50,512
God, Mattis! I said I'd help
after my meditation hike!
459
00:17:50,512 --> 00:17:51,762
You just love
playing the victim.
460
00:17:51,762 --> 00:17:54,387
Oh, kiss my ass,
McMaster.
461
00:17:54,387 --> 00:17:56,804
[cellphone vibrates]
John Kelly, four star general
462
00:17:56,804 --> 00:17:59,345
of the United States
military, retired.
463
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:00,428
Namaste?
464
00:18:00,428 --> 00:18:02,095
[Bolton]
Sorry to bother you, guys.
465
00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:03,929
Me and the fellas
were just wondering,
466
00:18:03,929 --> 00:18:05,887
since we're all
in Trump's cabinet,
467
00:18:05,887 --> 00:18:07,804
does that mean
we're the best?
468
00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:10,595
[laughter over phone]
469
00:18:10,595 --> 00:18:14,887
Not only are you not the best,
but simply by working there
470
00:18:14,887 --> 00:18:16,595
you're guaranteeing
your obituaries
471
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:18,804
will include the word
"co-conspirator."
472
00:18:18,804 --> 00:18:20,762
Get the hell out of there
while you can still work
473
00:18:20,762 --> 00:18:23,136
as a graveyard-shift
commentator on Fox Business!
474
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:27,095
♪♪♪
475
00:18:27,095 --> 00:18:30,011
Where are my besties?
I want to watch them fall again.
476
00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:32,470
I'm afraid the whole cabinet
resigned, sir.
477
00:18:34,095 --> 00:18:35,970
You sure this isn't
a suicide note?
478
00:18:35,970 --> 00:18:37,470
Don't worry.
They're alive.
479
00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:39,720
I got like six calls today
from Celebrity Big Brother
480
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:40,887
checking their references.
481
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,387
This doesn't make sense.
482
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,970
I've always hired
the best people,
483
00:18:43,970 --> 00:18:46,428
ever since my days
with the Dalai Lama.
484
00:18:46,428 --> 00:18:48,470
Sir, about that...
485
00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:50,762
The bad news
is the Dalai Lama
486
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:52,345
was a vagrant
who wore bed sheets
487
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,303
and sold Rubik's Cubes
on the boardwalk.
488
00:18:54,303 --> 00:18:56,637
The good news is I got us
a deal on T-shirts
489
00:18:56,637 --> 00:19:00,011
that say "Jersey Girls Aren't
Trash. Trash Gets Taken Out."
490
00:19:00,011 --> 00:19:01,428
If the Times runs
this story tomorrow,
491
00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:02,887
it's because
someone stole my phone
492
00:19:02,887 --> 00:19:04,428
and texted it to them just now.
[sent text message whooshes]
493
00:19:04,428 --> 00:19:07,345
Wait. If I hired them and
they're not the best people,
494
00:19:07,345 --> 00:19:10,345
then I might not be the best
person, but I am the best.
495
00:19:10,345 --> 00:19:13,178
This is the sort of paradox
that fake Dalai Lama
496
00:19:13,178 --> 00:19:16,387
would know just
the right T-shirt for.
497
00:19:16,387 --> 00:19:18,053
♪♪♪
498
00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:20,845
At least the Democrats
can't use my cabinet against me
499
00:19:20,845 --> 00:19:22,637
if I don't have
a cabinet anymore.
500
00:19:22,637 --> 00:19:24,178
Democratic strategists
501
00:19:24,178 --> 00:19:26,679
are focus testing
their new 2020 slogan,
502
00:19:26,679 --> 00:19:29,887
"Trump's So Lame Even
His Loser Cabinet Ditched Him."
503
00:19:29,887 --> 00:19:31,595
Crap. That's a winner.
504
00:19:31,595 --> 00:19:34,679
Of course, Trump still has
Stefan Millar in his stable.
505
00:19:34,679 --> 00:19:36,845
But for how long?
506
00:19:36,845 --> 00:19:39,178
[Cruz]
Why aren't you excited?
507
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,804
You got everything
you wanted,
508
00:19:40,804 --> 00:19:43,178
and all you had to do
was sell your soul.
509
00:19:43,178 --> 00:19:44,428
Exactly.
510
00:19:44,428 --> 00:19:47,261
It's Stefan Millar at the
podium, not Stephen Miller.
511
00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:49,929
What's the point if I can't
describe the border wall
512
00:19:49,929 --> 00:19:52,303
in vivid,
sexually vulgar detail?
513
00:19:52,303 --> 00:19:55,679
Big, pulsating turrets
quivering with gunfire!
514
00:19:55,679 --> 00:19:57,053
Try not to hurt
your new image.
515
00:19:57,053 --> 00:19:58,595
Don't let your mouth
write checks
516
00:19:58,595 --> 00:20:01,178
my beard hair glued
to your scalp can't cash.
517
00:20:01,178 --> 00:20:02,679
[manager]
Compliments of the house,
518
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:05,637
the finest wine
Mexico has to offer.
519
00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:08,970
[manager's voice echoing]
Mexico...Mexico...Mexico...
520
00:20:08,970 --> 00:20:10,970
Mexico...Mexico...
[slurping]
521
00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:13,053
Oh-hoo-hoo!
Those Oaxacan grapes
522
00:20:13,053 --> 00:20:17,136
are bringing sweet nourishment
to tipsy Ted Cruuuzzz!
523
00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:19,136
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz,
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz!
524
00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:20,261
Mexico...
525
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:23,220
-Mexico...Mexico...Mexico.
-Oh, God.
526
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:25,053
It's so good!
527
00:20:25,053 --> 00:20:28,053
I'm sorry, Stephen Miller!
Aaah!
528
00:20:28,053 --> 00:20:31,637
[painfully]
Ya Boy's so sorry!
529
00:20:31,637 --> 00:20:35,720
♪♪♪
530
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,136
Sometimes I stare
into the distance,
531
00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:40,220
wondering if,
across the world,
532
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:43,095
there's a little kid in
Birdville staring back at me.
533
00:20:43,095 --> 00:20:45,303
You really miss your cabinet,
don't you?
534
00:20:45,303 --> 00:20:48,053
We had one of our best days
together up here.
535
00:20:48,053 --> 00:20:50,887
This is where they all fell
and nearly died.
536
00:20:50,887 --> 00:20:53,053
Hey, Dad.
Remember when me and Eric
537
00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:54,804
were little kids?
Gross.
538
00:20:54,804 --> 00:20:57,428
Remember what you used to
tell us before we went to bed?
539
00:20:57,428 --> 00:20:58,637
You'd say...
540
00:20:58,637 --> 00:21:00,220
You're nothing without me.
541
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:03,887
And if I ever die, which I
won't, you'll be nothing again.
542
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,720
[Don and Eric Jr.]
Night, Dad!
543
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,470
That kept me going, Dad.
544
00:21:07,470 --> 00:21:09,303
I knew I didn't need
to work hard
545
00:21:09,303 --> 00:21:10,929
or have any talent,
intelligence,
546
00:21:10,929 --> 00:21:12,970
or even a tolerable
personality.
547
00:21:12,970 --> 00:21:14,303
I just needed you.
548
00:21:14,303 --> 00:21:17,136
I wanted to give my kids
the whole world,
549
00:21:17,136 --> 00:21:19,595
and since I am
the whole world, I did.
550
00:21:19,595 --> 00:21:22,095
And that's what you should
have done with your cabinet.
551
00:21:22,095 --> 00:21:25,470
To be the best, they don't need
to have faith in themselves.
552
00:21:25,470 --> 00:21:27,637
They just need
to have faith in you.
553
00:21:27,637 --> 00:21:29,095
Thanks, Don.
554
00:21:29,095 --> 00:21:31,428
Tell General Kellyanne
to get my cabinet back here
555
00:21:31,428 --> 00:21:35,220
so they can watch
the best be the best!
556
00:21:35,220 --> 00:21:37,637
Oh, and Don...
557
00:21:37,637 --> 00:21:40,303
You're still nothing
without me.
558
00:21:40,303 --> 00:21:43,512
I know, Dad. I know.
559
00:21:43,512 --> 00:21:47,095
♪♪♪
560
00:21:47,095 --> 00:21:50,303
[can rattling, spraying]
561
00:21:50,303 --> 00:21:54,387
Hey! Try using a star of David
to dot the I.
562
00:21:54,387 --> 00:21:56,470
That's a really
cool idea, man.
563
00:21:56,470 --> 00:21:59,178
Hey, you look like Stephen
Miller. You know that guy?
564
00:21:59,178 --> 00:22:01,845
He was one of the most
talented bigots in the game.
565
00:22:01,845 --> 00:22:03,345
I wonder whatever
happened to him.
566
00:22:03,345 --> 00:22:04,553
So do I.
567
00:22:04,553 --> 00:22:07,428
He used to eat at the Shakey's
where I worked.
568
00:22:07,428 --> 00:22:10,387
Man, we'd all compete to see
how much of our insides
569
00:22:10,387 --> 00:22:12,261
we could get
onto each slice.
570
00:22:12,261 --> 00:22:14,345
Still, hell of
a racist, though.
571
00:22:14,345 --> 00:22:17,345
♪♪♪
572
00:22:17,345 --> 00:22:19,136
They're not coming,
are they?
573
00:22:19,136 --> 00:22:21,512
Trust me, Mr. President,
they'll be here.
574
00:22:21,512 --> 00:22:22,679
[DeVos] Did I win?!
575
00:22:22,679 --> 00:22:24,095
Is this the
championship episode?!
576
00:22:24,095 --> 00:22:27,095
None of you losers are
contestants on The Amazing Race.
577
00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:28,261
I lied to get you here.
578
00:22:28,261 --> 00:22:29,512
-Aww!
-That stinks.
579
00:22:29,512 --> 00:22:33,261
A vagrant with IBS who
I thought was the Dalai Lama
580
00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:35,720
taught me about
the dichotomy of man.
581
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,261
Just like a Rubik's Cube
can be both solved and unsolved
582
00:22:39,261 --> 00:22:40,887
if you never take it
out of the box,
583
00:22:40,887 --> 00:22:44,345
an employee can be both
the best and the worst.
584
00:22:44,345 --> 00:22:46,387
Without me,
you're all the worst,
585
00:22:46,387 --> 00:22:49,136
but you're all the best
because of me.
586
00:22:49,136 --> 00:22:50,553
And now I'll prove it...
587
00:22:50,553 --> 00:22:53,637
by walking to
the Washington Monument!
588
00:22:53,637 --> 00:22:55,595
Tell my wife she loves me!
589
00:22:55,595 --> 00:22:56,970
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, he's really doing it!
590
00:22:56,970 --> 00:22:59,053
Is the Secret Service
really allowing this?
591
00:22:59,053 --> 00:23:00,553
[tires screech,
camera shutters clicking]
592
00:23:00,553 --> 00:23:04,595
[exhales deeply]
I'm comin' home, Birdville Boy.
593
00:23:04,595 --> 00:23:06,553
[creaking]
594
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:10,428
[rumbling]
595
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:15,470
[sirens wailing]
596
00:23:15,470 --> 00:23:18,345
Fake...news?
597
00:23:18,345 --> 00:23:22,178
Who had June for Trump toppling
the Washington Monument?
598
00:23:22,178 --> 00:23:24,387
-That was me! Pay up.
-Aww.
599
00:23:24,387 --> 00:23:25,887
Oh, man.
600
00:23:25,887 --> 00:23:28,095
I hope the people
at the top of that monument
601
00:23:28,095 --> 00:23:29,887
had their seatbelts on.
602
00:23:29,887 --> 00:23:31,470
[as Miller] What the!
603
00:23:31,470 --> 00:23:33,428
God, I'm so friggin'
embarrassed.
604
00:23:33,428 --> 00:23:36,512
Someone do something!
Where's Stefan?!
605
00:23:36,512 --> 00:23:40,261
Stefan can't help you,
Mr. President,
606
00:23:40,261 --> 00:23:43,345
but I know
someone who can!
607
00:23:43,345 --> 00:23:45,970
This is Stephen Miller!
608
00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:48,428
The President's life
has been put in danger
609
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:50,804
by this Mexican
manufactured tightrope
610
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:53,345
which was clearly sabotaged!
611
00:23:53,345 --> 00:23:55,595
Just as Mexicans have sabotaged
612
00:23:55,595 --> 00:23:57,679
the dream of millions
of Americans
613
00:23:57,679 --> 00:24:01,970
to get a job debeaking chickens
at a factory farm!
614
00:24:01,970 --> 00:24:06,762
We must retaliate against this
hostile act with military might!
615
00:24:06,762 --> 00:24:08,845
Breaking news.
Stephen Miller has announced
616
00:24:08,845 --> 00:24:12,178
the administration
has declared war on Mexico,
617
00:24:12,178 --> 00:24:15,011
causing viewers to seek comfort
618
00:24:15,011 --> 00:24:17,929
in the folds
of my deeply furrowed brow.
619
00:24:17,929 --> 00:24:20,804
[President Trump]
It's good to have you all back.
620
00:24:20,804 --> 00:24:22,136
I'm glad you've come to see
621
00:24:22,136 --> 00:24:24,762
that because I'm the best,
you are, too.
622
00:24:24,762 --> 00:24:27,303
Also, all the job
interviews we went on
623
00:24:27,303 --> 00:24:30,261
ended up being really violent
YouTube pranks.
624
00:24:30,261 --> 00:24:32,762
I want to especially commend
Stefan Millar
625
00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:34,387
who changed the conversation
626
00:24:34,387 --> 00:24:36,637
about me destroying
a national monument
627
00:24:36,637 --> 00:24:39,804
by launching a debate
over an unnecessary war.
628
00:24:39,804 --> 00:24:42,345
[as Miller] Actually, sir,
it was I, Stephen Miller!
629
00:24:42,345 --> 00:24:45,345
I was Stefan Millar
the whole time.
630
00:24:45,345 --> 00:24:47,095
Got it.
Fire Stefan Millar
631
00:24:47,095 --> 00:24:49,178
for leaving me out to dry
last night.
632
00:24:49,178 --> 00:24:50,387
Right away, sir!
633
00:24:50,387 --> 00:24:53,512
Stefan, en garde!
Shing! Ting! Wing! Ting!
634
00:24:53,512 --> 00:24:55,178
[high-pitched voice]
Hello, boys!
635
00:24:55,178 --> 00:24:57,512
[Miller] Ah. My insatiable
maidens have returned!
636
00:24:57,512 --> 00:24:59,136
[high-pitched voice]
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
637
00:24:59,136 --> 00:25:00,845
Just like old times,
638
00:25:00,845 --> 00:25:04,470
with a nice cozy uncontrolled
fire to keep us warm.
639
00:25:04,470 --> 00:25:05,720
[pained groan, thud]
640
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,553
I think Wilbur Ross just
died of smoke inhalation!
641
00:25:08,553 --> 00:25:09,804
What should we do?!
642
00:25:09,804 --> 00:25:11,679
Ooh! Ooh! Let's chop up
his corpse and mix it
643
00:25:11,679 --> 00:25:13,178
into Stephen Miller's food!
644
00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,720
[all] Yay!
645
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,136
['80s-style pop music plays]
646
00:25:17,136 --> 00:25:20,261
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
647
00:25:20,261 --> 00:25:23,720
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
648
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,178
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
649
00:25:26,178 --> 00:25:27,762
♪ Yes, he is ♪
650
00:25:27,762 --> 00:25:30,720
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
651
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,387
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
652
00:25:33,387 --> 00:25:34,845
♪ Yes, he is ♪
653
00:25:34,845 --> 00:25:37,887
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
654
00:25:37,887 --> 00:25:42,887
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
655
00:25:45,178 --> 00:25:46,804
♪ Donald Trump ♪
656
00:25:46,804 --> 00:25:50,220
♪ He is our president ♪
657
00:25:50,220 --> 00:25:53,679
♪ We made him president ♪
658
00:25:53,679 --> 00:25:56,011
♪ We did it ♪
659
00:25:56,011 --> 00:25:59,970
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
660
00:25:59,970 --> 00:26:03,011
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
661
00:26:03,011 --> 00:26:06,512
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
662
00:26:06,512 --> 00:26:10,095
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
663
00:26:10,095 --> 00:26:13,887
♪ Yeah ♪
664
00:26:13,887 --> 00:26:16,053
Trump!
50973
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