Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY 20th CENTURY FOX

NOW, REMEMBER...

IF YOUR LOOP IS LARGE, YOUR RUG IS LOOSE.

NOW LET'S ALL REPEAT THAT, SHALL WE?

IF YOUR LOOP IS LARGE, YOUR RUG IS LOOSE.

GOOD. NOW LET'S GIVE IT A TRY.

MAKE A LOOP, PULL IT THROUGH,

CROSS OVER, AND PULL IT OUT.

TIGHTEN THOSE LOOPS, MR. LEFKOWITZ.

THIS REST HOME...

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE PLACE!

"LIGHTS ON, LIGHTS OFF."

RULES, RULES, RULES!

THEY DON'T EVEN LET YOU KEEP A HOT PLATE.

I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN.

TODAY WAS AN EXCITING DAY.

I LEARNED HOW TO HOOK A RUG.

A MAN WHO AT ONE TIME

HAD THE ENTIRE GARMENT DISTRICT RIGHT HERE!

THAT'S HOW I SPEND MY DAYS.

IT ISN'T FAIR!

YOU WORK ALL YOUR LIFE,

YOU PAY TAXES,

YOU'RE A GOOD CITIZEN,

AND WHAT ARE YOU LEFT WITH?

A TIGHT RUG.

I MISS YOU, ROSE.

WELL, SAILORS, MY GLASS BOTTOM BOAT

IS ABOUT TO GIVE YOU A SPECIAL TREAT,

SO HOLD ON TO YOUR LANYARDS!

WHAT YOU HAVE BEFORE YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IS THE CLIMAX OF TODAY'S ADVENTURE.

THE FAMOUS LOST TREASURE OF THE FLORIDA KEYS.

AMAZING, ISN'T IT?

OH, GOOD PEOPLE, IT'S BEEN HERE

SINCE THE DAYS OF PONCE DE LEON

AND VASCO DA GAMA, EVEN MOBY DICK.

WHAT A RIPOFF.

NOW, IF THERE AREN'T ANY MORE QUESTIONS,

WE'LL BE HEADING BACK TO PORT,

WHERE OUR GIFT KIOSK CARRIES AN ATTRACTIVE LINE

OF POSTCARDS, T-SHIRTS, AND OTHER TREASURES.

FULL STEAM AHEAD, MATEY!

♪ YO-HO, YO-HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME ♪

SHIVER ME TIMBERS!

STOP! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Boy on TV: OH, MAMA.

Dad on TV: EVELYN!

HI, HONEY. I'M HOME.

HI, MOM.

HOW'S THE TERM PAPER COMING?

FINE.

[VOICES ON TELEVISION]

DAVID,

I HOPE THAT'S NOT THE TV I HEAR.

NO, MOM.

[TV, LOW VOLUME]

Boy on TV: I HAVE SUCH A PAIN IN MY HEART, MOM.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, EVELYN.

[STATIC]

DAVID?

WHO'S THERE?

HA HA. IT'S ME, DAVID.

IT'S YOUR GRANDPA. I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

GRANDPA!

YUP. YOUR GRANDMA AND I ARE COMING TO SEE YA.

REALLY? WELL, OUR FRIENDS,

THEY GOT SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS TO DO THERE,

AND IT WAS A CHANCE FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND I

TO GRAB A RIDE.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER

BECAUSE SHE WON'T BE READY FOR THIS.

WHAT DO I SAY? SHE'S GONNA FREAK.

JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH. HOW ABOUT THAT?

LOOK, I'LL SEE YOU SOON, SON.

GREAT!

[DOLPHINS CHITTERING]

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE GRANDMA AND GRANDPA,

HOW MUCH YOU WISH THEY WERE HERE WITH US.

SO IT'S ONLY NORMAL TO FANTASIZE,

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW IT'S ONLY A FANTASY.

BUT IT'S NOT A FANTASY.

MAYBE IT WOULD HELP IF YOU TALKED TO SOMEBODY

ABOUT THIS, DAVID.

MOM, I DON'T NEED TO SEE A SHRINK.

THEY'RE NOT DEAD.

THEY REALLY DID GO TO ANOTHER PLANET.

[DOORBELL RINGS, KNOCK ON DOOR]

YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE NOT IN SPACE,

THEY'RE NOT IN THE TELEVISION,

AND THEY'RE NOT COMING BACK.

THEY WERE LOST AT SEA.

YOU KNOW THAT.

THEY'VE BEEN DEAD FOR 5 YEARS.

HELLO, DARLING.

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

JUST A MINUTE.

OH!

JUST A MINUTE!

JUST A MINUTE.

[KNOCK KNOCK]

JUST A MINUTE!

WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO INVITE US IN?

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! JOE!

JOE!

ALMA!

BESS!

HOW ARE YOU? ART!

COME IN, ART!

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, BOY.

WHAT'S TO SEE?

I'M JUST A BROKEN-DOWN OLD SCHLEP

WITH ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE.

IF I WAS A HORSE, THEY'D SHOOT ME.

THE SAME OLD BERNIE.

YOU HAVEN'T AGED A DAY!

YOU PROBABLY THINK I'M A JERK

FOR NOT GOING WITH YOU.

OH, BERNIE, WE NEVER THOUGHT THAT.

GOOD, BECAUSE I NEVER REGRETTED IT.

I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED NOT GOING WITH YOU.

WHAT'S THAT?

A LITTLE REMODELING?

OH, OH, THE MAINTENANCE HERE IS--IS AWFUL.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I OUGHT TO SUE. I THINK IT'S--

BY THE WAY, YOU OWE ME RENT.

IT'S ALL YOURS,

ALL YOUR THINGS.

THEY TRIED TO THROW THEM OUT AFTER YOU LEFT,

BUT I TOLD THEM OVER MY DEAD BODY. HA!

I GUESS THEY FIGURED THAT WOULDN'T BE LONG.

BERNIE, YOU'RE A SENTIMENTAL FOOL.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GOT HERE JUST IN TIME,

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT A GARAGE SALE.

HOW HAVE YOU REALLY BEEN?

THE TRUTH... NOT TOO GOOD.

BUT NOW MAYBE THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE--LIKE OLD TIMES.

I THINK.

HUH?

I FEEL TERRIBLE.

WE LET HIM THINK WE WERE STAYING.

DO YOU WANT TO BE THE ONE TO BURST HIS BUBBLE?

SO WHAT DO WE DO?

LET HIM THINK WE'RE STAYING HERE FOR GOOD?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL HIM SOONER OR LATER.

HOLD IT. I'LL TELL HIM.

I'LL TELL HIM.

BUT NOT UNTIL I THINK HE CAN HANDLE IT.

RIGHT?

[RADIO PLAYS SWINGING TUNE]

GOOD MORNING, MY LITTLE ANTAREAN BUTTERFLY.

SMELLS LIKE I'M GOING TO GAIN

ABOUT 5 POUNDS THIS MORNING.

AT LEAST. HOW DO YOU FEEL?

FINER THAN FROG HAIR.

Sinatra: ♪ ...AS THOUGH SPRING HAS SPRUNG ♪

♪ AND EVERY TIME... ♪

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

OH, THE FIRST GROUP WENT THROUGH.

HERE, HAVE SOME COFFEE.

I MADE A FRESH POT.

♪ THE MOMENT THAT YOU SPEAK... ♪

HOW'S SUSIE THIS MORNING?

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED,

I THINK SHE'S HOLDING UP VERY WELL.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

♪ JUST LIKE A TOY BALLOON ♪

♪ YOU AND I... ♪

I'VE GOT THE MOVES, DON'T I, KID?

I DIDN'T MARRY YOU FOR YOUR MONEY.

I'LL BE GODDAMNED!

WHAT IS IT?

♪ PICKIN' UP LOTS OF FORGET-ME-NOTS ♪

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL THERE ARE SONGS TO BE SUNG ♪

♪ BELLS TO BE RUNG ♪

♪ WONDERFUL FLINGS TO BE FLUNG ♪

♪ AND EVEN WHEN I'M OLD AND GRAY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA FEEL THE WAY I DO ♪

♪ TODAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL ♪

♪ SO YOUNG ♪

LOOK AT THIS.

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME... ♪

IS THIS BEAUTIFUL?

♪ OOH, YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG ♪

YOU HAVE AN INCREDIBLE EYE, SIR.

YOU MUST BE A COLLECTOR.

NO.

OH, A SHREWD ONE, AT THAT.

WELL, I WILL NOT INSULT YOU BY HAGGLING.

THIS DAVEY JONES TREASURE CHEST--

BEAUTY, ISN'T IT--

I CAN GIVE IT TO YOU FOR...$19.95.

FOR THAT PIECE OF JUNK?

YOUR WIFE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T APPRECIATE

FINE ANTIQUES THE WAY YOU DO.

LISTEN, YOU TAKE THE BOX,

AND I'LL THROW IN

THE BARNACLE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS

FOR FREE.

SOLD. HA HA!

LOVELY.

[HUMMING A TUNE]

SEAN.

UH, TAKE CARE OF THOSE FOLKS, WILL YOU?

HELLO, JACK.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DON'T TELL ME. DON'T TELL ME.

YOU SEARCHED THE ENTIRE GALAXY,

YOU COULDN'T FIND ANYONE AS TERRIFIC AS ME.

THE COCOONS ARE IN DANGER, JACK.

THE SENSORS THAT WE LEFT

ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN FLOOR

INDICATE SEISMIC ACTIVITY.

WE'VE COME TO TAKE OUR FRIENDS AWAY.

WE'VE GOT 4 DAYS TO RESCUE THEM

BEFORE OUR SHIP RETURNS TO TAKE US HOME.

SEISMIC ACTIVITY, THAT'S HEAVY.

I--I MEAN I WAS IN AN EARTHQUAKE,

SO I KNOW. IT'S VERY INTENSE.

WELL, AREN'T YOU GLAD TO SEE ME?

I MEAN, ISN'T IT A CUSTOM HERE TO GIVE AN OLD FRIEND A HUG

WHEN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN A LONG TIME?

YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

HEY, ROMEO!

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN TEAR YOURSELF AWAY

LONG ENOUGH TO RING UP MY CLAMSHELL CASTANETS?

MMM.

"OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A RED, RED ROSE

"THAT'S NEWLY SPRUNG IN JUNE.

"OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A MELODY

THAT IS SWEETLY PLAYED IN TUNE."

OH, ARTHUR, DARLING, IT'S PERFECT.

DO YOU WANT ME TO FIX US SOME BREAKFAST?

DON'T HAVE TIME. GONNA MEET THE BOYS

AND PICK UP BERNIE.

POOR BERNIE.

OH, NONSENSE.

WE'RE GONNA GET HIM OUT OF THAT DAMN HOSPITAL ROOM

AND GET HIS BLOOD PUMPING AGAIN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HEY, THAT'S JOE.

WILL YOU MISS ME?

I ALREADY DO.

GOOD-BYE, MRS. SELWYN.

OH.

HA HA HA!

HOW DID YOU SLEEP?

BEST NIGHT'S SLEEP I'VE HAD IN YEARS.

HOW ABOUT BESS?

SHE SLEPT LIKE A BABY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU TWO?

ALMA DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK.

YOU'RE KIDDING?

NO...

NEITHER DID I.

OH, YOU DOG, YOU.

HA HA HA!

YOU SMELL THAT?

YEAH, INCENSE.

MAYBE A HINDU RUNS THE PLACE.

[DING DING DING]

Woman: BACK HERE!

COME ON BACK, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

I'M OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

HIYA, FELLAS.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

MRS. FINEBERG?

CALL ME RUBY. YOU EVER TRY THIS?

IT DELIVERS OXYGEN-RICH BLOOD

TO THE PLEASURE CENTERS OF THE BRAIN.

IT'S TERRIFIC.

WILL YOU GIVE ME A HAND? I'M NEW AT THIS.

IT'S A LITTLE TOUGH GETTING OUT OF THIS COOKIE.

HERE WE GO. OK. COME ALONG. DON'T BE SHY!

NOW PUT ME RIGHT-SIDE UP. RIGHT-SIDE UP.

EASY! TAKE IT EASY, FELLAS.

EASY. EASY.

THAT IS GREAT.

OK. OK.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

OK, NOW YOU GRAB AN ANKLE,

AND YOU GRAB AN ANKLE.

THERE'S THE LEFT ONE. TERRIFIC.

THAT IS IT!

GREAT!

OH, BOY, THAT'S TERRIFIC!

I FEEL-- I FEEL SENSATIONAL!

THANKS A LOT!

NICE LITTLE PLACE YOU GOT HERE,

UH, RUBY.

HEAR THAT, SYDNEY?

IT'S NICE LITTLE PLACE I'VE GOT HERE.

SYDNEY WAS MY HUSBAND.

THIS DUMP WAS HIS DREAM.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE SON OF A BITCH DIED

AND LEFT ME TO LIVE IT.

OH, THAT'S TOUGH.

NAH, IT'S NOT SO BAD.

I JUST LIKE TO YAK.

NOW TELL ME--

YOU TWO ON VACATION, OR WHAT?

WE, UH...CAME DOWN TO SEE OLD FRIENDS.

YOUR NIGHT CLERK TOLD US

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT STAYING THE WEEK.

SURE THING. NO PROBLEM.

THIS IS NOT EXACTLY MY BUSY SEASON.

GREAT.

[HORN HONKS]

THERE'S BEN. WE BETTER GET CRACKING.

SEE YOU AROUND, RUBY.

COUNT ON IT.

OH, HEY, WILL YOU GET A LOAD OF THE SUNSHINE?

I FEEL LIKE A TEENAGER.

YOU DO, HUH?

LAST ONE TO THE CAR BUYS DINNER.

COME ON, SLOWPOKE!

YOU GOT A HEAD START.

WHERE ARE YOU, BOY?

HA HA HA!

YAHOO!

NOT BAD, SUPERMAN!

WE'LL HAVE TO STOP AT A PHARMACY.

IF I DON'T HAVE ZINC OXIDE, I'LL BURN TO A CRISP.

SO WE'LL STOP AT A PHARMACY.

DID YOU BRING JUICE? I'LL GET DEHYDRATED.

WE'LL GET JUICE.

Orderly: HEY, BERNIE.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

IT IS WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

IN YOUR RUG-HOOKING CLASS.

TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF HIM.

OR WHAT?

OR YOU'LL BE SORRY.

I SAID LET HIM GO!

OUT OF MY WAY, YOU OLD COOT.

EASY, RAMBO.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE BLOW THIS JOINT?

YES.

AFTER YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

AAAAH!

LOOK AT THAT!

COME ON!

HERE WE GO!

LAST ONE IN IS A PANTYWAIST!

LAST ONE IN AIN'T GOT A HAIR ON HIS ASS!

HERE WE GO!

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

HOW'S THE WATER?

OH, IT WAS GREAT! IT WAS JUST GREAT!

BEAUTIFUL BEACH, A SUNNY DAY,

AND GOOD FRIENDS.

WHAT MORE CAN A MAN ASK FOR?

CAN I HAVE SOME OF THAT, PLEASE?

LOOK AT THEM MOVE.

GENTLEMEN,

I'D SAY ALL THAT THOSE LADIES ARE LACKING

IS A LITTLE MATURE MALE COMPANY.

YEAH!

HOW ABOUT IT?

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

COME ON, BERNIE.

YOU WANT TO DIP YOUR WICK?

COME ON!

JOE.

WHAT IS IT?

I GOTTA GO. I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT.

AN APPOINTMENT?!

WE'RE PLAYING A GAME HERE, BERNIE!

IT'S IMPORTANT!

OK, BERNIE. I'LL GET THE GUYS.

ART!

HOW'S THIS FEEL?

PERFECT.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND, JACK.

I KNEW WE COULD COUNT ON YOU

TO HELP US OUT.

HA, IT'S NO SWEAT.

YOU'RE MY FAVORITE MARTIAN.

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE READY,

AND WE'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT AN HOUR'S TIME.

YEAH. OK.

MY FAVORITE MARTIAN. THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH. SEE? HE GETS IT.

"ST. PETERSBURG OCEANOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE"?

THEY GOT A COCOON.

HOLY SHIT.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

NEXT!

THAT'S OK, DAVID. COME ON.

IT'S ONLY BATTING PRACTICE.

COME ON, TOMMY. YOU'RE UP.

TAKE YOUR TURN.

SCREWED UP AGAIN, GUY.

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I SEE THAT,

IT'S STILL IMPRESSIVE.

SO WHAT'S THE MYSTERY?

YOU'RE OUT ANALYZING THE EFFECTS OF EARTHQUAKES

ON MARINE LIFE, AND YOU FIND SOME OLD METEORITE.

NOW, WHEN A METEOR ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE,

THE PRESSURE AND THE TEMPERATURE

WILL LEAVE CHARACTERISTIC MARKINGS.

THIS BABY DOESN'T HAVE THEM.

WHATEVER IT IS,

IT DIDN'T FALL FROM THE SKY.

IT'S WEIRD-LOOKING. IT'S KINDA LIKE A DINOSAUR EGG.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, SARA?

DO YOU SUBSCRIBE TO THE DINOSAUR EGG THEORY?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A LIFE FORM.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

I'M GOING TO GET A HOT DOG

AND AN ICE-COLD BEER.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

SURE, I'LL HAVE A BEER.

YOU GET A MILK SHAKE.

IN YOU GO.

HEY, LOOK! IT'S WADE BOGGS!

HOW'S IT HANGING, DOOFUS? [SNICKERS]

YEAH, THAT GUY CAN'T HIT WORTH SHIT!

YOU WANT TO LET ME IN ON THAT?

I READ SOMEWHERE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WAS,

MAYBE TED WILLIAMS.

IT SAID, "THE HARDEST THING IN SPORTS TO DO

IS HIT A ROUND BALL WITH A ROUND BAT."

WHAT YOU GOTTA DO

IS LEARN HOW TO HIT THE BALL

WITH SOME DEGREE OF CONTROL.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, YOU GO OVER BY THE BUCKET,

AND I'M GONNA HIT SOME OF THESE.

NOW WATCH: I'M GONNA TRY

TO SEE THE BALL HIT THE BAT.

BOOM, SEE?

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO SWING HARD.

GIVE ME A BALL.

OK. NOW YOU.

OK. COME OVER HERE.

NOW THINK.

TRY AND SEE THE BALL HIT THE BAT.

ALL RIGHT. NOW YOU'RE COOKING.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

LET'S GO. A LITTLE PEP.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S THE ONE.

YOU OUGHT TO HAVE YOUR HEAD EXAMINED.

IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BASEBALL.

HERE. OVER HERE.

JUST A LITTLE BALL GAME, NO BIG DEAL.

THIS IS EARTH, BEN, NOT ANTAREA.

AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE, WE KEEP GETTING OLDER.

I KNOW,

BUT WITH THIS KIND OF FRINGE BENEFIT...

MAYBE IT'S WORTH IT.

[SOBS]

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME

SINCE YOU NEEDED ME FOR ANYTHING LIKE THIS,

I GUESS I KIND OF MISSED IT.

YEAH, I MISSED IT, TOO.

I KNOW.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

HOW WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW

THAT AN EARTHQUAKE IS GOING TO KNOCK ONE OF THOSE COCOONS

OUT OF ITS HIDING PLACE, HUH?

I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.

THEY'RE COUNTING ON ME TO BRING HIM BACK HOME.

AND THEY'RE GOING TO NEED A BLUEPRINT

OF THE INSTITUTE SO I CAN PLAN HIS RESCUE.

WELL, I'LL HELP YOU.

I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT,

BUT I GOT IN A LOT OF TROUBLE LAST TIME,

SO YOU CANNOT STEAL ANY MORE OLD PEOPLE.

WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.

ALL RIGHT, THEN. ALL RIGHT, FINE.

LET'S JUST GO BUST HIM OUT.

IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

WE CAN'T FREE HIM WITHOUT THE RISK

OF DRAWING ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.

WE'RE GONNA GO BACK IN 3 DAYS,

THEN WE'LL RENDEZVOUS WITH THE SHIP.

3 DAYS!

YOU'RE CRAZY!

KITTY, 3 DAYS, THEY'LL CUT IT OPEN

AND PERFORM GROTESQUE EXPERIMENTS!

I'M SORRY.

I--I DIDN'T MEAN--

I'M SORRY.

I-I'M...

WE'RE GOING TO GET HIM BACK.

[MELLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

Ben: LOOK AT THIS.

SLICK AS A WHISTLE.

YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.

JOE, I'M IN HEAVEN.

ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK.

YOU GLAD I TWISTED YOUR ARM?

I THINK I WAS AFRAID IT WOULDN'T BE THE SAME,

BUT IT'S BETTER.

Ben: LOOK AT THIS. WHAT ARE WE GONNA ABOUT HIM?

Mary: I ASKED HIM TO DANCE.

FORGET IT.

BERNIE HASN'T CUT A RUG IN 30 YEARS.

JOE. MAYBE WE SHOULD GO AND KEEP HIM COMPANY.

I SEE SOMETHING

THAT'LL GET HIS JUICES FLOWING.

ONE MORE OF THESE,

AND I AM NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE.

YEAH. WAITER. WAITER!

OH!

YOU ARE MY KIND OF GROUP.

MOST PEOPLE OUR AGE

ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS!

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

MOST PEOPLE OUR AGE ARE DEAD.

OH, BERNIE.

BERNIE.

WHERE DID HE GET TO BE SO FUNNY?

YEAH, BERNIE, HOW'D YOU GET SO FUNNY?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT BERNIE WAS FUNNY.

ME, TOO.

YOU HAVE?

Bernie: OH, YOU DON'T THINK I'M FUNNY, JOE?

WATCH THIS. I'LL SHOW YOU FUNNY.

PRESENTING MR. LAUREL AND MR. HARDY.

THIS IS AN EAGLE

WHO JUST FOUND OUT HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER'S PREGNANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ARE ADORABLE!

Ruby: WHAT'S--WHAT-- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT WAS JUST A LITTLE KISS!

I'M A MARRIED MAN.

OH!

PARDON ME.

I'M SO SORRY.

YOUR FRIENDS TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE AVAILABLE.

WHAT?!

BERNIE, WE JUST THOUGHT--

YOU JUST THOUGHT WHAT, JOE?

THAT I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT ROSE?

THAT HER MEMORY MEANS NOTHING TO ME?

WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU. IT MEANS EVERYTHING.

NOW, DON'T BREAK UP YOUR LITTLE PARTY ON MY ACCOUNT.

I'LL GET A CAB.

Ruby: HE'S A FUN GUY.

A BARREL OF LAUGHS.

THANKS FOR THE INTRO.

I'M SORRY, RUBY.

YEAH. FORGET IT.

LIKE I SAID...

WE HAD SOME LAUGHS.

RUBY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL,

HE REALLY IS A WONDERFUL GUY.

YEAH, YEAH.

THANKS FOR THE DRINK.

Woman: NOW, PAY ATTENTION TO TEACHER.

BEHAVE YOURSELF.

MICHAEL, STOP PUSHING!

[CHILD CRYING]

OH, KELLY.

OH, WHY'D YOU FALL FROM THERE?

I TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES.

SHH. IT'S NOT GONNA HURT.

HI. IS IT BAD?

I DON'T THINK SO, BUT...

I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE LOOK AT IT.

AH, SHE BANGED HER HEAD PRETTY HARD.

OH, POOR LITTLE GIRL.

SUCH A PITY. NOW, THAT'S A BAD BUMP.

NOW, LET ME SEE IF I CAN TAKE IT AWAY.

I GOT IT! LET'S THROW IT AWAY.

WOW! YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH.

LISTEN, UH, THE FIRST AID STATION'S OVER THERE.

WOULD YOU MIND WATCHING THE KIDS

JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES?

OK. YOU GO TAKE CARE OF HER.

OH, THANKS.

JUST BLOW THIS IF THEY ATTACK.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN. GATHER ROUND.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

YOUR PALS SAID TO TELL YOU

THEY'D BE A FEW MINUTES LATE.

FINE. I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE.

AW, DON'T BE SILLY.

TAKE THE LOAD OFF YOUR FEET.

I DON'T BITE, YOU KNOW.

I'LL JUST STAND HERE BY THE DOOR.

OK. SUIT YOURSELF.

LISTEN, UM...

SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT, OK?

FORGET ABOUT IT.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I DON'T LIKE LOOSE ENDS.

MAYBE WE COULD, UM, SMOOTH THINGS OUT...

OVER A COCKTAIL?

THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

YOU'RE AFRAID OF ME, AREN'T YOU?

I CERTAINLY AM NOT!

OK. THEN THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

PICK YOU UP AT 7:00.

FINALLY, AFTER THE LONGEST TRIP

YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE, THEIR SPACESHIP LANDED,

AND IT WAS TIME FOR THEM TO SEE THEIR NEW HOME.

THE SPACESHIP'S DOOR SLOWLY OPENED,

AND THERE BEFORE THEM WAS THE MAGIC PLANET,

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ANY OF THEM HAD EVER SEEN.

THE SKY WAS GOLD,

AND SHINING DOWN ON THEM

WERE 3 PALE, PALE PINK MOONS.

SO THEY STEPPED OUTSIDE,

AND GUESS WHAT.

WHAT? WHAT?

THEY FLOATED. THAT'S RIGHT!

THEY COULD FLY LIKE BIRDS.

SO THEY ALL JOINED HANDS,

AND WITH THEIR NEW FRIENDS LEADING THE WAY,

THEY FLEW OFF TO A... TO A SILVER CITY,

SHIMMERING IN THE DISTANCE.

CAN WE GO THERE?

OH, HOLD ON, NOW. IT'S VERY FAR.

AND, BESIDES, IF YOU LEFT HERE,

THINK OF ALL THE THINGS YOU'D MISS.

DID THEY HAVE ICE CREAM?

HA. NO.

DOES SANTA CLAUS GO THERE?

I'M AFRAID IT'S TOO FAR FOR SANTA TO MAKE IT.

THEN HOW COME THE PEOPLE WENT THERE?

WELL, ON THAT PLANET, NO ONE EVER GETS SICK,

NO ONE EVER GETS OLD,

AND NO ONE EVER DIES.

SO IF YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE,

YOU NEVER HAVE TO LOSE THEM.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH ICE CREAM?

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

I LIKE THAT PART.

Alma: YOU DO?

HERE WE GO, FELLAS. STAKE YOUR CLAIM.

Ben: OH, BOY.

OH, BOY. IS THAT A HOT DOG, OR WHAT, HUH?

STATE OF THE ART.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY PUT IN THOSE THINGS?

I DO.

AND THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

HAVE A BITE, BERNIE.

THEY SAY THE CHILI KILLS THE BUGS.

VERY FUNNY. GIVE ME GAS FOR A WEEK.

Ben: YOU KNOW SOMETHING, BERNIE?

YOU'D FIT IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS

FOR COMPLAINERS.

HEY! COME ON!

SORRY ABOUT THAT. YOU GUYS WANT TO THROW OUR BALL BACK?

WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE,

YOUR PERSONAL SERVANTS?

GO GET IT YOURSELF.

HEY, LOOK, WE SAID WE'RE SORRY.

DON'T GIVE US ANY SHIT. JUST GIVE ME THE BALL BACK.

DON'T DO IT, JOE!

LOOK AT THE MESS THEY MADE.

IF I WAS YOU, I'D KEEP QUIET, POPS.

OH, YEAH? YEAH?!

NOW, HOLD IT! HOLD IT A MINUTE!

LET'S BE GENTLEMEN ABOUT THIS.

I SAY WE SETTLE THIS WITH A LITTLE 4 ON 4.

GREAT IDEA! GET REAL!

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.

I'M WILLING TO BET $10

WE CAN MAKE 11 BASKETS

BEFORE YOU HOTSHOTS CAN.

AND MY MONEY'S ON THE TABLE.

COME ON, GET IT IN THERE.

[YOUNGER MEN ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

YOU DUDES GOT YOURSELF A GAME.

GOOD.

YES! IN YOUR FACE, GRANDPA.

OVER HERE!

GET HIM!

WATCH IT!

ART! ART!

I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

JUST LIKE DOWNTOWN.

OK. NO MORE CHARITY. NOW WE'RE GOING TO PLAY.

HEY, MAN. DEFENSE! WATCH THE DEFENSE!

I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

YEAH!

JOE, WHAT'S THE SCORE?

7 TO 1, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

YEAH!

SHOOT!

8 TO 2. WE'RE CATCHING UP!

GUARD YOUR MAN!

GUARD YOUR--WHERE?

HEY! WATCH HIM!

HERE WE GO!

GOT IT!

THAT'S 9 TO 2. YOU GUYS GIVE UP?

NO. DO YOU?

TIME OUT.

TIME OUT, COME ON.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU POOPED?

FELLAS.

FELLAS!

OK, I THINK IT'S TIME

WE SHOWED THEM WHAT WE LEARNED.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

LET'S GO.

NOW, BOYS. NOW.

WATCH IT! HOLD HIM!

GO, ART, GO!

GET YOUR MAN! STAY ON HIM. COME ON, TAKE IT!

WOW!

GREAT, JOE, GREAT!

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

GO, BEN, GO!

HOORAY! YEAH!

WHAT'S THE SCORE?

10 TO 5. GUARD YOUR MAN!

WHICH ONE IS MY-- I SAY, WHICH ONE IS MY M--

WATCH IT!

COVER HIM!

ATTA BOY!

ARE YOU MY MAN?

9-10, YOUR FAVOR. GETTING NERVOUS?

AAH!

YEAH!

ART!

YEAH-YEAH-YEAH-YEAH!

HALLELUJAH!

10-10. NEXT BASKET WINS.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

OVER HERE!

BERNIE!

IN YOUR FACE, JUNIOR.

AHH! BERNIE!

BERNIE!

OH.

OH!

THAT IS TO DIE!

IT SURE IS.

THE PRICE TAG ALONE WOULD KILL YOU.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT ON.

OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE NEVER SHOPPED IN A STORE LIKE THIS.

ME, EITHER.

WHERE WOULD ANY OF US WEAR A GET-UP LIKE THAT?

IN OUR DREAMS.

THAT SETTLES IT.

OH! IT'S TERRIFIC!

TA-DA!

OH.

OH, MY.

GORGEOUS.

AAH!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

OH!

OH, WOW!

OH.

BESS. OH!

Salesgirl: I'LL GET HER SOME WATER.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CALL A DOCTOR?

Mary: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

HOW ABOUT SOME HOT COFFEE?

I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT COULD BE WRONG.

SHE WAS IN PERFECT HEALTH,

AND THE MINUTE WE GET BACK, THIS HAPPENS.

THERE ISN'T ANY JUSTICE. IF THERE WERE,

IT WOULD BE ME IN THERE, NOT HER.

NOW, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

OH, I'M NOT. YOU DON'T KNOW HER, JOE.

NOT THE WAY I DO.

SHE'S THE MOST GENEROUS,

LOVING, AND GIVING PERSON...

I'VE EVER MET.

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE...

THAT'S EVER REALLY LOVED ME.

I'D TRADE PLACES WITH HER IN A HEARTBEAT...

IF I COULD.

[BUZZING]

OK. JUST A FEW MORE INCHES, BOB.

YOU'RE DOING VERY WELL.

[DRILL STOPS] ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S FINE.

DOUG? FRED?

LET'S LIFT IT OFF.

CAREFULLY.

CAREFUL.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

YOU GUYS OK?

WHAT ARE WE DOING, GANG?

THEY'VE OPENED THE COCOON, JACK.

IS HE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?

FOR A SHORT TIME.

BUT IF HE DOESN'T GET AN INFUSION OF LIFEFORCE SOON,

HE'LL WEAKEN QUICKLY.

MR. SELWYN?

THAT'S ME, DOCTOR. HOW IS SHE?

SHE'S FINE. WELL, CONSIDERING HER AGE

AND THE FACT THAT SHE'S 6 WEEKS PREGNANT.

HA HA HA! WHY, YOU SMUTTY OLD DEVIL.

PR-PR-PREGNANT?

VERY IMPRESSIVE, MR. SELWYN.

THIS ONE'S DEFINITELY GOING IN THE BOOKS.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THAT'S WONDERFUL!

SHE'S PREG--

PREGNANT?

SAFE!

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

HOLD IT A SECOND. LET ME CLEAN THE PLATE.

ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO. LET'S PLAY BALL!

COME ON, KID, BE A HITTER!

COME ON, DAVID, YOU CAN DO IT!

STRIKE 2!

COME ON, DAVID, WE NEED THIS!

YOU CAN DO IT! LET'S PLAY BALL!

STRIKE 3! YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!

[SARCASTIC] NICE JOB.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WELL...

HOW YOU DOING?

FINE, CONSIDERING I'M THE WORST PLAYER

IN THE WHOLE LEAGUE.

THAT DON'T SOUND LIKE THE FELLA

I SAW HIT THE BALL YESTERDAY.

I TOLD YOU.

IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

YOU WANT ME TO HIT IT.

AND YOU THINK YOUR PALS DON'T WANT YOU TO HIT IT,

IS THAT IT?

I'M JUST NO GOOD AT STUFF. I ALWAYS MESS UP.

YOU KNOW, THAT COULD BE TRUE.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY KID

THAT EVER FELT SCARED OR ANXIOUS

OR COULDN'T HIT A BASEBALL.

YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS A KID

PLAYING BASEBALL,

A LITTLE YOUNGER THAN YOU,

THEY ALWAYS SENT ME TO RIGHT FIELD.

THAT'S WHERE THEY SEND THE DUDS.

AND THEN WHEN I GOT UP TO BAT,

THERE WAS NO WAY IN THE WORLD

I COULD EVER HIT THAT BALL.

BUT YOU CAN DO IT NOW.

SURE, I CAN.

BUT, SEE, I'VE HAD MY WHOLE LIFE

TO WORK ON IT.

YOU CAN HIT, TOO. I'VE SEEN YOU.

YOU SEE, IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING

IS LISTENING TO A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL YOU

YOU CAN'T DO IT,

WHEN MAYBE WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING

IS LISTEN TO YOURSELF SAY THAT YOU CAN.

AND I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER SOMETHING.

I LOVE YOU.

AND ALL I WANT FOR YOU

IS THE VERY BEST THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER,

BUT, SEE,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO AND GET IT YOURSELF.

YEAH.

NOW, THINK ABOUT THAT, WILL YOU?

OK.

THANKS, GRANDPA.

MR. FINLEY?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT, MR. FINLEY?

AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS.

WE DON'T REALLY NEED TO TALK, DOCTOR.

JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.

YOU HAD LEUKEMIA A FEW YEARS BACK,

BUT IT WENT INTO COMPLETE REMISSION, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

I'VE GOT IT AGAIN, HAVEN'T I?

YES.

I'D LIKE TO GET YOU STARTED ON CHEMO.

HOW LONG HAVE I GOT, DOCTOR?

THE DISEASE IS UNPREDICTABLE.

IT MAY SPREAD QUICKLY,

OR IT MAY GO INTO PERIODIC REMISSION.

6 MONTHS. 6 YEARS.

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.

GREAT.

AND MAGNETIC READINGS ARE STILL THE SAME.

IT'S, UH, IT'S BEEN CONSTANT.

I'LL TAKE OVER FOR A WHILE.

OK.

Scientist: THERE IS SLIGHT VARIATION

AS IT APPROACHES...

Second scientist: YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[SCIENTISTS CONTINUE, INDISTINCT]

IF ONLY YOU COULD TALK.

[WATCH ALARM BEEPS]

[BEEP BEEP BEEP]

[ELECTRONIC CHIRPING]

DID YOU DO THAT?

[BEEP BEEP BEEP]

[BEEPING]

[CHIRPING]

IS HE DOING WHAT I THINK HE'S DOING?

I THINK SO. CALL DR. BARON.

RIGHT.

[PANTING BREATHS]

RELAX.

CONTRACTION ENDS.

NOW TAKE A DEEP, CLEANSING BREATH.

OH, THAT'S MY LITTLE MUMMY.

HI.

THANK GOODNESS.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ORGANIZE A SEARCH PARTY.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU.

ME, TOO.

SORRY I'M LATE.

THE MARKET WAS JAMMED.

THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST INCREDIBLE DAY.

FIRST BESS... AND THEN, GUESS WHAT.

I MET A WOMAN WHO RUNS A PRESCHOOL

FOR FOSTER CHILDREN.

SHE JUST CALLED AND OFFERED ME A JOB.

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

IN ALL MY LIFE, NO ONE'S EVER OFFERED ME A JOB.

SHE SAID SHE WAS IMPRESSED

BY THE WAY I HANDLED THE CHILDREN.

SO...WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

WELL, I SAID THAT I'D HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

I'M GOING BACK TOMORROW JUST TO HELP OUT.

HOW CAN YOU TAKE A JOB

WHEN WE'RE LEAVING IN 2 DAYS' TIME?

JOE, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,

I WAS JUST PLEASED TO GET THE OFFER.

I DIDN'T SAY I WAS TAKING IT.

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TURN HER DOWN ON THE SPOT?

I DON'T KNOW. I SUPPOSE I JUST WANTED

THE FANTASY TO LAST A LITTLE LONGER.

I'LL TELL HER TOMORROW.

WHAT'S YOUR NEWS?

WHAT? OH, UH...

THOSE GROCERIES ARE A LOT MORE EXPENSIVE

THAN THEY USED TO BE.

Man: THANK YOU FOR COMING.

WE'RE GOING TO START THE DEMONSTRATION NOW.

SARA...

PLEASE.

SEE?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T FOOL HIM, YOU SEE?

OH.

I'M GOING TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS

TO MOVE HIM TO A SECURE LOCATION.

I WANT TO KEEP THIS VERY QUIET.

FINE.

Officer: GOOD WORK. JOB WELL DONE.

THANK YOU.

CONGRATULATIONS.

I AM VERY IMPRESSED WITH YOU AND YOUR FACILITY.

MY REPORTS TO THE JOINT CHIEFS WILL REFLECT THAT.

ALL I'M SAYING IS WE HAVE NO IDEA

HOW A DRASTIC CHANGE IN ENVIRONMENT

MIGHT AFFECT HIM.

I MEAN, HE'S OBVIOUSLY LOSING HIS STRENGTH,

AND A DEAD ALIEN ISN'T GONNA DO YOU OR THE MILITARY

OR ANYBODY ELSE ANY GOOD.

COME ON, NOW, SARA,

I KNOW YOU'RE FOND OF HIM,

BUT DON'T LET YOUR EMOTIONS

OVERRULE YOUR SCIENTIFIC JUDGMENT.

YOU'RE NOT GIVING HIM TO M.I.T. OR THE SMITHSONIAN.

YOU'RE TURNING HIM OVER TO THE AIR FORCE.

WE ARE TURNING HIM OVER TO THE GOVERNMENT.

THERE'S A GENUINE NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUE HERE.

THERE YOU ARE.

HELLO, JACK.

HEY...

GOT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING.

SORT OF A GET-YOUR-MIND- OFF-YOUR-PROBLEMS PRESENT.

THANK YOU.

I REALLY LOVE IT.

ME, TOO. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

WHY WE'RE NOT SELLING MORE OF THEM.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND, JACK.

FRIEND?

FRIEND, FRIEND, FRIEND, FRIEND.

KITTY, WE'RE MORE THAN FRIENDS.

WE SHARED OURSELVES AND EVERYTHING.

WOULD YOU LIKE IT

IF WE SHARED OURSELVES AGAIN?

LIKE IT? OH, I WOULD LOVE IT.

I'VE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT IT FOR 5 YEARS.

WELL, THEN LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR CABIN.

HUH? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

YOU ANTAREANS MAY HAVE THE MARKET CORNERED

IN SHARING YOURSELVES, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW

THE FIRST THING ABOUT ROMANCE.

I MEAN, KITTY, I'M THE KIND OF GUY,

I NEED TO HAVE A NICE DINNER, YOU KNOW,

AND MUSIC, A LITTLE CANDLELIGHT.

I CHARMINGLY CONVINCE YOU

TO ASK ME BACK TO YOUR CABIN FOR A NIGHTCAP,

AND THEN...

WE SHARE OUR BRAINS OUT.

HOP IN!

OH!

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

HOW CAN YOU STAND THIS RACKET?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS A TERRIFIC JOINT.

I HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD OF ENGLISH

SINCE WE WALKED INTO THE PLACE.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? WHEN YOU WANT TO,

YOU DO A GREAT IMPRESSION

OF AN OLD FART.

OH, THANKS!

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OOH HOO OOH!

I CAN'T WAIT.

MMM!

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S CUBAN PUNCH,

AND IT'S DELICIOUS.

GO AHEAD, BERNIE.

YOU'LL PROBABLY HATE IT,

BUT GO AHEAD. FORCE YOURSELF.

UH-HUH.

BERNIE.

BERNIE.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU ARE A REAL NUT CASE.

THAT'S 151 PROOF RUM!

AHH!

MAYBE I WAS THIRSTY.

WAITRESS!

OH, WAITRESS!

THIS WAY.

I TELL YOU, THIS PLACE MUST BE GREAT.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE JUST ORDERED.

IS THIS A RITUAL THAT'S COMMONLY PRACTICED

BEFORE PEOPLE SHARE THEMSELVES?

OH, YES. ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.

SEE, THIS IS ROMANTIC.

YOU GOT CHAMPAGNE, AMBIANCE, YOU KNOW?

GETS YOU IN THE MOOD.

MMM! MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

VOILA! BON APPETIT.

GRACIAS.

WHAT IS THIS, JACK?

UH... THIS IS, UM...

OH, THIS IS BON APPETIT.

THIS IS FRENCH FOOD.

SEE, IT'S TERRIFIQUE.

THEY DON'T SAY TERRIFIC. THEY SAY TERRIFIQUE.

MMM.

YOU OK?

JACK...

HMM?

I WANT TO RUB THIS BON APPETIT

OVER EVERY INCH OF YOUR BODY.

[CLANK]

WELL, THEN...

HA HA!

REALLY?

HA HA HA! YEAH.

HA HA!

WELL, LET'S DO IT. LET'S DO IT.

WE'LL GET AN ORDER TO GO.

UH, GARCON. UH, SEÑOR.

HA HA HA!

WHAT DID I SAY? I SAID SOMETHING FUNNY?

HA HA! YEAH.

HA HA.

HA HA HA!

OOPS! I GUESS THAT BITE GOT AWAY FROM YOU, HUH, HONEY?

WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?

I'M REALLY ENJOYING THIS BON APPETIT, JACK.

OHH...KITTY, YOU'RE HAVING SOME SORT

OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL REACTION TO THIS STUFF.

DON'T BE SILLY. I FEEL WONDERFUL.

WELL, I THINK MAYBE THE BEST THING WOULD BE--

NO, JACK. KITTY, PLEASE.

HMM, NO.

KITTY, LISTEN TO ME. JACK...

YOU GOTTA TRUST ME.

NO. JACK! TRUST ME ON THIS.

JACK! OH!

OH, HONEY, WHAT'S THE RUSH?

DON'T YOU WANT YOUR ENTREE?

OH, MY GOD!

NO, JACK,

I WANT TO SHARE MYSELF WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

OH, OH...

WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE NICE PEOPLE.

OH, HOLD IT, KITTY.

DON'T DO IT.

NOT HERE. NOT HERE, KITTY, PLEASE.

HEADS UP!

MUST BE SOMETHING SHE ATE.

INCOMING!

KEEP THE CHANGE!

[CONGA MUSIC PLAYING]

[SLOW RUMBA PLAYING]

Ruby: YOU KNOW, I FIGURED OUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

YEAH? WHAT?

ONCE A PERSON GETS PAST

THAT TIGHT-ASSED ROUTINE OF YOURS,

YOU'RE NOT A BAD GUY.

NO?

NO, AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, LEFKOWITZ.

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.

IMITATION OF AN OWL.

I THINK YOU'RE VERY PRETTY.

YOU DO?

THANKS.

ROSE!

BERNIE?

ROSIE?

HEY, BERNIE!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU SICK OR SOMETHING?

THIS WAS A MISTAKE. I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I CAN'T DO THIS TO ROSE.

I THINK WE BETTER GO NOW.

BULLSHIT!

BERNIE, BULLSHIT!

YOUR WIFE IS JUST AN EXCUSE, YOU KNOW THAT?

SHE'S JUST AN EXCUSE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ON LIVING.

WELL, GUESS WHAT, BUSTER!

LIFE GOES ON!

AND IF YOU HAD ANY-- IF YOU'LL PARDON MY FRENCH--

BALLS, YOU'D FACE UP TO THE FACT THAT SHE'S DEAD.

ROSE IS DEAD, BERNIE,

AND YOU'RE NOT!

OHH...

AHH...

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

UM...I, UM...

I WAS GOING THROUGH

ONE OF SUSAN'S PHOTO ALBUMS TODAY,

AND THERE WERE SOME PICTURES OF DAVID

ON HIS 14th BIRTHDAY AND AT A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.

IT'S 5 YEARS OF HIS GROWING UP THAT WE'VE MISSED.

THIS IS OUR FAMILY.

MY LIFE DOESN'T HAVE ANY MEANING WITHOUT THEM.

BEN, I WANT US TO STAY HERE.

I WANT US ALL TO BE TOGETHER.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE WORRIED

ABOUT THE BOY AND HIS MOTHER.

I'M WORRIED, TOO.

LOOK AROUND, HONEY.

EVERYBODY WE KNOW-- EXCEPT FOR BERNIE--

IS SICK OR DYING.

THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES.

HONEY, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THAT HAPPEN TO YOU.

I DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN TO ME.

AND WE CAN BEAT IT, YOU KNOW.

BUT IT'S NOT RIGHT!

PEOPLE SHOULDN'T OUTLIVE THEIR CHILDREN.

DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

I'M SCARED OF DEATH.

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?

I'M SCARED, TOO, BUT NOT OF DYING.

I'M SCARED OF LIVING WITHOUT YOU.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HERE.

GOOD MORNING. HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD.

I THINK WE CAN GET IN AND OUT OF THE INSTITUTE

WITHOUT EVER BEING DISCOVERED.

GREAT.

IT WAS SOME DATE LAST NIGHT, HUH?

HOW YOU FEELING?

FOOLISH.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO EAT SOMETHING

WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS,

BUT THANK YOU FOR TAKING CARE OF ME.

SO, WHERE DID YOU SLEEP?

ARE YOU KIDDING? SLEEP?

I WAS UP ALL NIGHT

WAITING FOR THE COPS TO SHOW UP.

I GUESS WE MADE A CLEAN GETAWAY.

I'M SORRY, JACK.

IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

OH, COME ON, KITTY.

COMPARED TO SOME OF MY DATES,

LAST NIGHT WAS A RAGING SUCCESS.

I DON'T KNOW,

SOMETIMES I THINK MAYBE I'LL BE...

ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO NEVER FINDS ANYONE,

LIVES ON TV DINNERS, TALKS TO HIS DOG,

WHICH IS OK 'CAUSE I KIND OF LIKE DOGS.

JACK, I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING,

BUT IN ORDER TO SEE IT,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CLOSE YOUR EYES.

THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE ANYTHING KINKY NOW, IS IT?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

OK.

HMM...

OHH...

OH, WOW.

VITAL SIGNS ARE DROPPING FAST.

RESPIRATION RATE'S DOWN. LOOKS BAD.

I THINK THAT DOG AND PONY SHOW WORE HIM OUT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK IN A COUPLE DAYS IT'LL BE OUT OF OUR HANDS.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'LL WORK?

IT HAS TO WORK. HE WASN'T REVIVED PROPERLY.

IF WE DON'T GET HIM BACK NOW,

HE WON'T SURVIVE.

WE NEED YOUR HELP.

I DON'T KNOW.

THANKS.

BREAKING INTO THAT PLACE SOUNDS KIND OF RISKY,

ESPECIALLY NOW THAT THE MILITARY'S INVOLVED.

JOE'S RIGHT. WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?

WILL YOU LISTEN TO US?

WE'RE BACK LESS THAN A WEEK,

AND ALREADY WE'RE BEGINNING TO SOUND

LIKE A BUNCH OF FRIGHTENED OLD GEEZERS.

HAVE WE FORGOTTEN THEY'VE DONE FOR US,

WHAT THEY'VE GIVEN US?

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, WE OWE THEM EVERYTHING.

AND IF ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS NEEDS HELP,

I'M DAMN WELL GOING TO GIVE IT.

YOU CAN COUNT ME IN.

WELL, WE'RE IN.

OK.

COUNT US IN, TOO.

GOOD. ONCE WE GET OUR FRIEND BACK,

WE'LL GO DIRECTLY TO THE RENDEZVOUS POINT.

THE SHIP WILL MEET US AT MIDNIGHT.

IF YOU HAVE ANY UNFINISHED BUSINESS,

TODAY'S THE DAY TO DO IT.

JOE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, JOE?

BERNIE...

DON'T YOU "BERNIE" ME.

YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.

BERNIE.

GODDAMN IT, BERNIE, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME?

OR WERE YOU GOING TO LET ME FIND OUT

AFTER YOU'D GONE?

I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL YOU

THAT WE'RE ONLY GONNA STAY A FEW DAYS.

I'M SORRY, BUT I WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU.

HELP ME?

YOU JUST YANKED THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME.

DO ME A FAVOR,

GO BE A GOOD SAMARITAN SOMEWHERE ELSE.

YOU KNOW, BERNIE, YOU ARE THE MOST MISERABLE,

SELF-CENTERED COMPLAINER I'VE EVER MET.

OTHER PEOPLE ARE IN PAIN.

OTHER PEOPLE ARE AFRAID.

AND IF YOU'D OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES

ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU MIGHT SEE THAT.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERN,

YOU CAN FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF UNTIL HELL FREEZES OVER.

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS LIKE US.

WHEE!

HERE. HERE IT IS. NOW, YOU THROW IT.

THROW IT HARD. THAT'S THE WAY!

THROW IT TO MARY.

OH!

COME ON. BRING IT.

THAT'S A GOOD THROW!

THERE, NOW. YEAH, THAT'S THE WAY.

CATCH IT!

WHEE!

ANTHONY!

I GOT IT!

ANTHONY!

OH, NO!

ANTHONY!

OH, GOD, NO!

SOMEONE, PLEASE, CALL AN AMBULANCE!

JOE.

HELLO, BERNIE.

I WENT LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE MOTEL.

RUBY TOLD ME. I COULDN'T FIND THE OTHERS.

HOW IS SHE?

DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.

REALLY SOMETHING THE WAY THINGS WORK OUT.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HERE,

AND THEN THIS HAPPENS.

DID YOU EVER TELL HER?

TELL HER WHAT?

THAT YOU'RE SICK AGAIN.

I'VE KNOWN YOU OVER 30 YEARS, JOE.

AFTER YOU BLEW UP THIS AFTERNOON,

I FIGURED IT OUT.

WILL YOU GET BETTER IF YOU GO BACK?

I GOT BETTER BEFORE.

YOU DON'T GET SICK THERE.

MR. FINLEY?

THAT'S ME.

YOUR WIFE'S VITAL SIGNS

ARE STABLE AT THE MOMENT,

BUT SHE'S COMATOSE.

I DON'T EXPECT HER TO LAST THE NIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

CAN I SEE HER?

YES, OF COURSE.

HONEY?

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

[CRYING]

[BEEP]

[BEEP BEEP BEEP]

JOE.

HELLO, MY DARLING.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I CAN'T REMEMBER.

YOU WERE IN AN ACCIDENT,

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.

OH, I DREAMED I...

SOMETHING WAS PULLING ME

FARTHER AND FARTHER AWAY,

AND THEN YOU CAME AND HELD ME

AND WOULDN'T LET ME GO.

MY GOD, JOE.

WHAT'S HAPPENED?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I GAVE YOU A PRESENT,

SOMETHING YOU NEEDED.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF MY LIFE,

I...I'VE BEEN A SELFISH SON OF A BITCH.

OH.

I HAVEN'T ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF YOU

THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE.

BUT I ALWAYS LOVED YOU.

I KNOW THAT, JOE.

I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT.

JOE, I CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU.

SURE YOU CAN.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THAT JOB,

AND ANYWAY...

MY TIME'S RUN OUT.

OH, JOE.

OOH. I AM SO TIRED.

I AM SO DAMN TIRED.

THEN REST, DARLING.

GO AHEAD AND REST.

WELL...

THAT'S THE END OF AN ERA.

WON'T BE THE SAME NOW.

WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME BACK.

IF WE'D STAYED PUT,

THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

OH, YOU CAN'T SECOND-GUESS FATE.

YOU GOT TO TAKE IT THE WAY IT COMES,

THEN TRY AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

JOE WOULD HAVE LIKED THIS.

HE LOVED THE BEACH.

OH, HE DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE BEACH.

IT WAS THEM SMOOTH-LEGGED GIRLS

IN THEM DENTAL FLOSS BIKINIS.

THAT'S WHAT HE LIKED.

I'M GOING TO MISS THAT OLD SON OF A BITCH.

YEAH.

ME, TOO, PAL.

SHE'S FINALLY ASLEEP.

[CHUCKLES]

ART, HONEY.

WILL YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I THINK WE OVERDID THIS.

HALF OF THESE THINGS WON'T FIT.

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

COULD WE BE MAKING A MISTAKE?

I MEAN...

ARE WE DOING RIGHT BY OUR CHILD?

IS IT FAIR TO TAKE HIM THAT FAR AWAY?

I KNOW IT WON'T MATTER WHEN HE'S YOUNG,

BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE GROWS UP?

THINK OF WHAT HE'LL BE MISSING.

ALL THOSE EXPERIENCES WE TOOK FOR GRANTED,

HE WON'T HAVE.

OH...

ART.

DO YOU REALLY THINK

I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?

FOR ALL THE SNOWFLAKES AND SUNSETS

AND RAINBOWS HE WON'T SEE,

THINK OF WHAT HE WILL HAVE.

THINK OF WHAT HE'LL GAIN--

A WORLD WITH NO ILLNESS,

NO POVERTY, NO WARS.

BESIDES, IF WE STAY HERE,

OUR CHILD MIGHT NOT BE BORN.

WE'D NEVER LIVE LONG ENOUGH

TO SEE HIM GROW UP.

WELL, IT'S TIME WE HEAD OUT.

BE A GOOD BOY.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR MOTHER.

WAIT A MINUTE, GRANDPA.

THANKS.

HAVE A SAFE TRIP!

BYE-BYE, NOW! BYE, RUBY.

OH, WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE YOU HERE THIS.

PLEASE, WON'T YOU COME WITH US?

I BELONG HERE.

I'M GONNA TAKE THAT JOB WITH THE CHILDREN.

IT'S WHAT I WANT.

YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE.

WHAT AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?

SHE'LL BE FINE.

WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU...

MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

GOOD-BYE, BERNIE.

GOOD-BYE, ART.

WELL, HATE THESE LONG GOOD-BYES,

SO GOOD-BYE, MY GIRL.

BYE-BYE.

BERNIE, I'M GLAD I GOT TO SEE YOU.

ME, TOO, BEN.

GOOD-BYE, DEAR.

GOOD-BYE, MARY.

HOLD ON.

BYE, BERNIE.

GOOD-BYE, HON.

BYE.

BE CAREFUL, JACK.

WHERE YOU GOING?

GETTING SOMETHING TO EAT.

BRING ME BACK A BURGER, WILL YA?

I'M SO SORRY.

[BEEPING]

HA HA! DOWN BY 6, RIGHT?

[CAR APPROACHES]

[GATE OPENS]

YOU TAKE THE PASSENGER SIDE.

GOOD EVENING, DOC.

YOU'RE WORKING KIND OF LATE.

YEAH, WELL,

I HAD A COUPLE OF THINGS I HAD TO FINISH UP.

YOU HAVE A GOOD EVENING.

OH, GOD! POWER FAILURE!

REBECCA, GET ENGINEERING.

DAMN!

THAT WAS WEIRD.

OH, MY GOD!

REBECCA, GET DR. BARON!

RIGHT.

HE'S NOT IN HERE.

PHIL!

PHIL!

WHERE THE HELL WOULD HE GO?

COME ON THIS WAY.

YEAH, YEAH. LET'S CHECK IT OUT.

DID YOU SEE ANYTHING?

THIS WAY. THIS WAY.

PHIL!

PHIL, DON'T RUN AWAY!

SARA, MAKE SURE THE BUILDING IS SEALED.

DON'T FORGET THE SEA DOOR BY THE DOLPHIN TANKS.

RIGHT.

CAREFUL NOW. DON'T FRIGHTEN HIM.

THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE BUILDING.

WHY DON'T YOU CHECK OUT THE WEST WING?

LET'S GO BACK TO THE LAB!

NOTHING DOWN THAT WAY, SIR.

ALL RIGHT. WE SPLIT UP HERE.

EVERYONE TAKES A DOOR AND STAYS PUT.

NOTHING GETS OUT OF THIS BUILDING.

DOUG.

REBECCA.

YOU, COME WITH ME. COME ON.

YES, SIR.

I'LL CHECK THE SECOND FLOOR.

OK. OK.

WE BETTER MOVE.

GRANDPA!

DAVID? GOOD!

COME ON. YOU CAN HELP ME.

WE HAVE TO DO THIS, SON.

TAKE AHOLD.

IT'S GOT TO OPEN.

UHH!

LEAN INTO IT.

ALL RIGHT, PUSH THAT OPEN! PUSH!

UHH!

STOP!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, YOU SEE, HE'S MY FRIEND,

AND WE'RE GOING TO TAKE HIM HOME.

OK?

HERE THEY COME.

DID YOU SEE ANYONE, MA'AM?

NO.

[BEEPING]

AHOY!

HELLO! WELCOME BACK!

THERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT, SIR. THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO, BOY.

HELLO, DARLING.

ART!

DAVID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ARE YOU BOTH ALL RIGHT?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, MOTHER, HE WAS A LOT OF HELP TO ME.

WITHOUT HIM, I WOULDN'T BE HERE.

I DID ALL RIGHT, DIDN'T I, GRANDPA?

I'LL SAY YOU DID.

HITTING A BASEBALL WILL BE A CINCH AFTER THAT.

I WISH YOU'D BE HERE TO SEE IT.

WE WILL BE.

WHAT?

WELL, HELL.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT?

BEN!

OH, THANK YOU, MY DARLING!

THANK YOU!

[WHOOSH]

WALTER!

GOOD TO SEE YOU, JACK.

YOU MAKE ONE HELL OF AN ENTRANCE.

THANK YOU.

YOU'VE DONE WELL.

HE'S WEAK, BUT HE'LL SURVIVE.

WELL, I SEE THE GANG'S ALL HERE.

NOT THE WHOLE GANG.

I KNOW.

I'M SORRY ABOUT JOE.

HE WAS A GOOD MAN

AND A GOOD FRIEND TO ALL OF US.

WELL, BEN...

ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T COME WITH US?

REAL SURE.

I TELL YOU...

SEE, WALTER,

A MAN'S NOT SUPPOSED TO OUTLIVE HIS CHILDREN.

AND BESIDES...

I MAY SEE YOU SOME OTHER TIME, SOME OTHER PLACE.

THAT MAY BE TRUE, BEN.

WELL, I THINK IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.

YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW WE'LL MISS YOU.

YOU'LL MAKE A WONDERFUL MOTHER.

YOU'LL MAKE A WONDERFUL GRANDMOTHER.

YOU WON'T FORGET US, WILL YOU?

FORGET YOU? HA!

NO, I WON'T FORGET YOU.

NOW YOU BETTER GET GOING.

YOU'LL MISS YOUR CONNECTION IN BALTIMORE.

I THOUGHT YOU ONLY CRIED WHEN SOMEBODY DIED.

OR WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARE LEAVING.

I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

GOOD-BYE, BEN.

WELL--OH! HEY!

COME HERE.

I GOT SOMETHING HERE THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT, KITTY.

IT'S MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PHOTO.

I GOT IT FRAMED SO YOU CAN PUT IT

ON THE TV OR SOMETHING.

THANK YOU. I REALLY LOVE IT, JACK.

I'LL MISS YOU, KITTY.

I'LL MISS YOU, TOO, JACK.

I'M SORRY, KITTY. IT'S TIME.

[WHOOSH]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

EXCUSE ME!

HI. I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT I RAN OUT OF GAS AND YOU WERE THE ONLY LIGHT.

DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW IF THERE'S ANY PLACE

NEARBY WHERE I CAN GET GASOLINE?

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

YEAH, THERE'S AN ALL-NIGHTER

ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.

I CAN GIVE YOU A LIFT IF YOU WANT.

SURE YOU WOULDN'T MIND?

OH, NO. NO PROBLEM.

KIND OF LATE TO BE OUT, HUH?

YEAH. WELL, I'M JUST ON MY WAY HOME FROM WORK.

AT THIS HOUR?

I WOULDN'T WANT YOUR JOB.

NEITHER WOULD I. I JUST QUIT.

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY?

HONESTLY, THIS IS NO LINE.

I SWEAR, BUT I THINK I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU SURE? YEAH.

YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.

NO, I NEVER FORGET A FACE.

I'M SURE I'D REMEMBER YOURS.

RIGHT.

MY NAME'S JACK. JACK BONNER.

SARA.

NICE TO MEET YOU, JACK.

A PLEASURE.

IT'S CHILLY, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW--OH!

WHERE'S MY MANNERS?

HERE YOU GO.

WELL, THANKS.

YOU EVER BEEN IN A GLASS-BOTTOM BOAT?

NO.

WANT TO GO ON ONE?

YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

REALLY? YEAH.

WELL, I GOT ONE. REALLY?

YEAH. WELL, THE BANK OWNS IT,

BUT YOU'RE LOOKING AT A CAPTAIN OF A GLASS-BOTTOM BOAT.

YEAH?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY 20th CENTURY FOX

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--