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Previously on "American Princess"...
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It's Brett. He wants to FaceTime.
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- [BRETT MOANING]
- What?
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Yeah, baby. Yeah. Yeah, right there.
5
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Are you out of your mind?
You... How could you?
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I'm not having an affair. I love you.
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On our wedding day?
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[SCREAMS]
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Ugh, theme wedding.
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Sorry for interrupting
your little wedding here.
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FYI, though, he doesn't know what play
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his own quote's from.
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- That is preposterous.
- DAVID: [BRITISH ACCENT] She be right!
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From which play doth the quote come?
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"Richard II."
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Uh, ffff.
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The maid doth speak the truth.
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Huzzah!
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ALL: Huzzah!
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So, what?
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You all run around pretending
to be Queen Elizabeth
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and stuff, and people
get drunk with nerds?
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It be their... leidenschaft.
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It's German for passion.
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Do you really want to throw
away everything you almost had?
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I'm not going back with you.
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I'm staying. Here.
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Nay. Hither.
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♪♪
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Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
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[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
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♪♪
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[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE]
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♪♪
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[INSECT BUZZES]
36
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[GROANS]
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- [BUZZING STOPS]
- Ugh.
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[VIBRATOR BUZZING]
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What the...
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[MOANING]
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Ah!
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[GASPING]
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- [CLICK, BUZZING STOPS]
- [LAUGHING]
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[SIGHS DEEPLY]
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Good morrow, cousin.
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Good morrow... morning.
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Where am I?
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D-Did I...
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- Did we...
- No!
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No, no, no.
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[SIGHS] Just boob stuff.
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- What?
- I'm kidding!
53
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- Oh.
- No, I'm not.
54
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- What?
- Yes, I am.
55
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No, I'm not.
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[LAUGHING] Yes, I am.
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Don't worry.
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You do have nice boobs, though.
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Thanks?
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Amanda Sophia Klein. [CHUCKLES]
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[SIGHS] My roommate, my hero.
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When you renounced
your life last night...
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so dramatic.
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- And then you drank all that Devil's...
- Scotch.
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Right.
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How much did I say?
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Brett is dead to me.
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- Terrific.
- Mm-hmm.
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[SIGHS] I hope my
vigorous self-pleasuring
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provided you a gentle waking. [CHUCKLES]
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No sweeter music than the stroke
of your own strings, am I right?
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Wait, did you say "roommate"?
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Oh, yeah.
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I'm gonna show you everything.
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- Everything?
- Mm-hmm.
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Hang on.
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If we're roommates... [GROANS]
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what happened to the person or...
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gimp that used to live here?
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Don't worry.
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She's never around.
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You may want to flip the mattress.
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This place needs some serious feng shui
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- or a hazmat team or...
- [INSECT BUZZES]
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a citronella perimeter.
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I'm so excited you're here!
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[GROANS]
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- Yes.
- [VIBRATING]
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Please tell me that's not your...
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It's Brett. Shall I?
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No! I mean...
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no, thank you. I'll... I'll handle it.
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[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
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Ugh...
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Not everything can be fixed with emojis.
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[RING CLINKS]
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Now, want to find your leidenschaft?
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- Ja.
- I wouldn't touch that hand.
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[WATER RUNNING]
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♪♪
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[YELLING, GROANING]
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SHART: Dude, you okay?
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You okay... Oh.
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Aah. Dude, what happened
to your nipple ring?
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Just had an accident last night.
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Pretty crazy, right?
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- Is it?
- What do you mean?
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[CHUCKLES] It's a nipple ring.
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I mean, the idea of it being torn out
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must have crossed your
mind at some point.
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The idea of crashing my
car's crossed my mind,
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but I still drive.
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Not with your nipple.
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Yeah.
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00:05:38,608 --> 00:05:41,111
So you, uh, hook up
with that new girl again?
116
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What, Amanda?
117
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No, nothing happened. Two nights ago,
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she got wasted and
passed out on my floor.
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So now you got that to deal with.
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W-What? What do you mean?
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Dude, if you take in a stray,
it's not a stray anymore.
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- It's your dog.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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She's not my dog.
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I don't believe in pets,
not even comfort animals.
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Yeah, well, at least she's a cute dog.
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Yeah.
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00:06:04,917 --> 00:06:06,132
What's your Faire name gonna be?
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Like, mine's Prunella Bubblebottom
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because I'm a washer wench.
130
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We sing songs, make
dirty jokes, we get wet,
131
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and our audiences have
the best, best time,
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because they're in the splash zone.
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- Like at SeaWorld.
- That's whales.
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We're wenches. It's different.
135
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- But...
- It's different.
136
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- [FACETIME RINGING]
- Mm.
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- Wi-Fi!
- Yeah. It lives near the office.
138
00:06:24,047 --> 00:06:26,944
But don't move. It's
shy, like a baby deer.
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I'll see you at the well, sister.
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And don't forget to
think of your Faire name.
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00:06:32,094 --> 00:06:33,483
Nice work, Amanda.
142
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Mom's so up my butt about
you, I've got a stress zit.
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Hi, Erin.
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I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
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Ugh, not everything is about you.
146
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How about my life blowing up?
Can that be about me?
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Oh, no, no, no. Do not play the victim.
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You're the one who blew it up.
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It's like ISIS declared
jihad on dream weddings
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and sent you in first.
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I didn't blow it up.
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Brett blew it up by being...
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Classic Amanda.
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Can't take responsibility for anything.
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Oh, and you can shred your black card.
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Mom's cutting you off.
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I am taking responsibility,
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and I am the victim. And you know what?
159
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You can tell Mom to keep
her emotional blood money.
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I'm getting a job here.
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00:07:08,140 --> 00:07:09,959
- You're what?
- Joanntha?
162
00:07:09,984 --> 00:07:12,544
[CHUCKLES] You're... I'm
sorry. Say that... What...
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00:07:12,569 --> 00:07:14,623
Ama... Stop, you're... No, Ama...
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00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,052
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Erin.
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00:07:17,981 --> 00:07:19,440
Wait, you know my mom's name?
166
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You talked a lot last night.
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Stupid scotch.
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00:07:23,307 --> 00:07:25,753
From now on, I'm strictly gay for rosé.
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- Whoa.
- What?
170
00:07:26,812 --> 00:07:28,564
- My nipple ring.
- You have a nipple ring,
171
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- like a fancy cow?
- [CHUCKLES]
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Not since last night.
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You don't remember?
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My crazy accident?
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00:07:35,614 --> 00:07:36,802
Ugh, no.
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00:07:37,289 --> 00:07:39,482
Again, I have to plead scotch.
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00:07:39,507 --> 00:07:41,021
That's two nights in a row for you.
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You think I have a drinking problem?
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Is alcohol your usual coping mechanism?
180
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:45,990
- No!
- Okay.
181
00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:47,341
I do not have a problem.
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- Okay.
- I don't.
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I said okay.
184
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You said okay like five times.
185
00:07:52,366 --> 00:07:53,787
Why are you counting okays?
186
00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:55,544
Hey, lover.
187
00:07:55,908 --> 00:07:57,076
Uh, hey.
188
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,880
Uh, Amanda, this is Callie.
189
00:07:58,905 --> 00:08:00,576
- Hi.
- Hmm.
190
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:02,866
- Um, I got the kambo.
- What's kambo?
191
00:08:02,891 --> 00:08:04,226
Amazonian frog venom.
192
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It's for my nipple.
193
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,513
That doesn't need venom.
194
00:08:06,538 --> 00:08:08,544
[CHUCKLES] That needs stitches.
195
00:08:08,569 --> 00:08:10,779
- Ah, it's not that bad.
- You work in a mud pit,
196
00:08:10,804 --> 00:08:12,959
and that's an open wound.
Are you... Are you crazy?
197
00:08:12,984 --> 00:08:14,014
I love what I do.
198
00:08:14,329 --> 00:08:16,388
Your need to be seen is profound.
199
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♪♪
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♪♪
201
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:30,294
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- LEE: [CHUCKLING] Ohh, man.
202
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,202
Hi.
203
00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:37,725
I'm Amanda.
204
00:08:38,798 --> 00:08:39,841
Are you hiring?
205
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,077
You have any felonies?
206
00:08:41,279 --> 00:08:42,279
No.
207
00:08:42,805 --> 00:08:43,874
Then we're hiring.
208
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,092
Awesome.
209
00:08:45,782 --> 00:08:47,742
What's your dramaturgy situation?
210
00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:50,022
I have a degree in English from Vassar.
211
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:54,171
Yeah, we've already got like
six dramaturgists on staff.
212
00:08:54,593 --> 00:08:57,538
Okay. I'm also good at Word
213
00:08:57,563 --> 00:08:59,897
and, uh, Adobe Creative Suite
214
00:08:59,922 --> 00:09:01,171
a-and...
215
00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:03,772
Hey, hi. Eyes up here.
216
00:09:04,269 --> 00:09:05,686
Oh, I was just wondering
217
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:07,347
if maybe a bodice would kind of...
218
00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:08,948
- What?
- ... make things pop.
219
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,597
Ugh. Offensive much?
220
00:09:11,772 --> 00:09:13,691
I'm here to work, not make it rain.
221
00:09:13,716 --> 00:09:15,277
Okay, Vassar, lighten up.
222
00:09:15,395 --> 00:09:17,144
You ever worked in food service?
223
00:09:17,435 --> 00:09:19,167
Summers on the Cape, I was a hostess
224
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,745
at the Landfall in Woods Hole...
225
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:23,659
classic surf and turf,
occasional Kennedy.
226
00:09:23,684 --> 00:09:26,206
So I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
227
00:09:26,473 --> 00:09:28,769
Perfect. You're hired.
228
00:09:28,794 --> 00:09:30,667
This isn't meant to be, you know.
229
00:09:31,224 --> 00:09:32,566
It never was.
230
00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:34,669
And yet, perhaps the impossibility
231
00:09:34,694 --> 00:09:36,339
is what made it possible.
232
00:09:37,055 --> 00:09:39,737
Like the mighty salmon
233
00:09:40,011 --> 00:09:42,909
thrusting itself against
the surging stream,
234
00:09:43,287 --> 00:09:46,527
determined to spawn, whatever the cost.
235
00:09:47,985 --> 00:09:49,361
But do not weep.
236
00:09:49,386 --> 00:09:51,050
You shall find this again.
237
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:55,371
Well, not this, this, but...
perhaps this-adjacent.
238
00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:56,683
Who's Jason?
239
00:09:57,937 --> 00:10:01,848
Oh, my sweet, simple boy.
240
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,356
I am the Queen.
241
00:10:04,718 --> 00:10:06,239
You park cars.
242
00:10:06,730 --> 00:10:08,489
A titillating pornographic premise
243
00:10:08,514 --> 00:10:10,856
we explored most vigorously
244
00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:13,262
but has now concluded.
245
00:10:13,287 --> 00:10:16,373
Exeunt omnes.
246
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,668
We're over, José.
247
00:10:20,693 --> 00:10:21,825
You can go.
248
00:10:22,465 --> 00:10:23,465
Okay.
249
00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:26,458
♪♪
250
00:10:26,599 --> 00:10:28,223
- Want to smoke out?
- No.
251
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:30,004
- Later?
- No.
252
00:10:30,413 --> 00:10:31,623
Want to hook up after work?
253
00:10:31,648 --> 00:10:33,504
I literally just dumped you.
254
00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:34,766
Okay.
255
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,528
♪♪
256
00:10:38,058 --> 00:10:39,231
In case you change your mind.
257
00:10:39,591 --> 00:10:40,613
[CLICKS TONGUE]
258
00:10:41,328 --> 00:10:46,278
♪♪
259
00:10:49,865 --> 00:10:52,145
- Hey, dude.
- Good morning.
260
00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:55,411
Felipé?
261
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,200
[SCOFFS] José, you racist.
262
00:10:58,417 --> 00:11:00,801
I'm not racist. I don't recall his name
263
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,793
because I refuse to
commit useful brain cells
264
00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:04,987
to some temporary toad in your hole.
265
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:07,356
Well, then, you'll be
glad to know I ended it.
266
00:11:07,911 --> 00:11:09,973
The poor dear, he was beside himself.
267
00:11:09,998 --> 00:11:11,723
Really? He seemed...
268
00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,750
Devastated, as if I'd extinguished
269
00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:16,028
the light that burned behind his eyes.
270
00:11:16,053 --> 00:11:17,121
Pretty dim light.
271
00:11:17,146 --> 00:11:18,772
All right, you've had your fun.
272
00:11:18,797 --> 00:11:20,832
No, I haven't, actually.
273
00:11:21,321 --> 00:11:23,532
We completely missed Leah
Remini's marathon last night
274
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:25,392
so you could get your fields plowed.
275
00:11:25,417 --> 00:11:27,377
Again with the stereotypes.
276
00:11:27,402 --> 00:11:28,445
What stereotypes?
277
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:31,512
Fields. Plowed. José.
278
00:11:31,537 --> 00:11:33,739
[SCOFFS] That was a euphemism for sex.
279
00:11:33,764 --> 00:11:34,964
That has nothing to do with...
280
00:11:35,306 --> 00:11:36,661
Okay, now I hear it.
281
00:11:38,692 --> 00:11:40,371
MAN: Well, I wish you the best of luck.
282
00:11:42,519 --> 00:11:43,853
[PLOP]
283
00:11:43,878 --> 00:11:47,286
♪♪
284
00:11:47,311 --> 00:11:49,739
MAN 2: Milady, Mother has blessed you.
285
00:11:51,027 --> 00:11:53,405
Come, sir, handle my jugs.
286
00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:56,558
I see by your lady you have experience.
287
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:59,536
In sooth, I wager you
could handle a pair of jugs.
288
00:11:59,906 --> 00:12:01,926
- Am I correct, mistress?
- He sure can.
289
00:12:01,951 --> 00:12:04,156
Oh, well, come, then.
I'll show you my jugs,
290
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:05,512
and you show me yours.
291
00:12:05,797 --> 00:12:07,434
This place is insane.
292
00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:09,731
It's like, "What if super-horny nerds
293
00:12:09,756 --> 00:12:11,168
designed an amusement park?"
294
00:12:11,193 --> 00:12:13,820
So what? Without "super-horny nerds,"
295
00:12:13,845 --> 00:12:16,145
there'd be no movies,
no music, no Internet, just...
296
00:12:16,340 --> 00:12:18,305
football and pharmaceutical reps.
297
00:12:18,330 --> 00:12:20,125
My fiancé's brother's a pharm...
298
00:12:21,289 --> 00:12:24,133
You mean your ex-fiancé,
299
00:12:24,158 --> 00:12:26,047
the one whose hooker you bloodied?
300
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,063
- Hey, you had a lot to say last night.
- Yeah, so I hear.
301
00:12:29,088 --> 00:12:31,715
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale!
302
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:33,766
Suck on my jugs, they'll
fill you with ale.
303
00:12:33,897 --> 00:12:36,375
Seriously, I'm the only
one who finds that skeevy?
304
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:37,610
You and the puritans.
305
00:12:37,635 --> 00:12:38,938
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
306
00:12:38,963 --> 00:12:41,152
It's just one big, beautiful community
307
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,375
full of love and acceptance.
308
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,899
It brought me Stephen.
309
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,640
How long have you two been together?
310
00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:47,584
Oh, is it, uh, three Faires, babe?
311
00:12:47,609 --> 00:12:49,735
Mm-hmm. Well, my husband,
Phil, met him first.
312
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,977
They bonded over their
love of craft beers
313
00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:53,587
and then over their love of me.
314
00:12:53,612 --> 00:12:54,946
- [LAUGHS]
- Wait, I'm sorry.
315
00:12:55,318 --> 00:12:57,164
You're not... Who's your husband?
316
00:12:57,371 --> 00:12:58,984
Oh, let's see. Where's Phil?
317
00:12:59,017 --> 00:13:00,328
Oh, uh, t-there he is.
318
00:13:00,353 --> 00:13:02,040
He's right between the
pub and the Hump Stump.
319
00:13:02,064 --> 00:13:04,235
- Babe. Babe!
- Hey. Hey, Phil.
320
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,515
So sorry.
321
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,688
Did you say "the Hump Stump"?
322
00:13:09,014 --> 00:13:12,039
Oh, yeah. It's a
popular after-hours spot
323
00:13:12,064 --> 00:13:13,250
for Rennies to...
324
00:13:13,448 --> 00:13:15,688
you know, love in the open air.
325
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,985
- "The Giving Tree," unabridged.
- Phil hates it.
326
00:13:18,010 --> 00:13:19,673
To be fair, it did give
him a massive splinter.
327
00:13:19,697 --> 00:13:21,074
That was a nightmare, it's true.
328
00:13:21,099 --> 00:13:22,641
Babe, I'm looking for my Kindle.
329
00:13:23,214 --> 00:13:25,039
- Phil said you had it last?
- Yes, yes, yes.
330
00:13:25,064 --> 00:13:27,775
It's in my yellow... It's
easier if I just get it for you.
331
00:13:27,969 --> 00:13:29,183
Do you think you can handle the booth
332
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:30,328
for 10 minutes on your own?
333
00:13:30,353 --> 00:13:32,039
I graduated summa cum laude.
334
00:13:32,064 --> 00:13:33,719
I think I can handle pork pockets.
335
00:13:33,744 --> 00:13:35,276
- Okay.
- JUAN ANDRÉS: Tankards and flagons...
336
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:36,869
- and jugs for sale!
- Let's go.
337
00:13:38,173 --> 00:13:39,634
One pork pocket, please.
338
00:13:39,659 --> 00:13:40,665
Sure.
339
00:13:40,895 --> 00:13:43,501
♪♪
340
00:13:43,526 --> 00:13:45,152
[GASPS]
341
00:13:45,674 --> 00:13:47,908
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
342
00:13:47,933 --> 00:13:49,767
I'll get a turkey leg.
343
00:14:04,890 --> 00:14:08,114
With this sword, I dub thee Sir Daryl,
344
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,419
Knight of the Realm.
345
00:14:10,638 --> 00:14:12,515
[FANFARE PLAYS]
346
00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:14,513
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
347
00:14:15,782 --> 00:14:17,958
Your Majesty, a word posthaste.
348
00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:19,402
Posthaste now?
349
00:14:19,427 --> 00:14:22,474
Indeed, that being what
posthaste doth mean.
350
00:14:22,499 --> 00:14:24,927
What have I told you
about the Shake-splaing?
351
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,200
I dub these Lady Maya,
352
00:14:28,225 --> 00:14:30,403
Dame of County Essex.
353
00:14:31,009 --> 00:14:32,856
[FANFARE PLAYS]
354
00:14:33,745 --> 00:14:35,450
I think I just saw Colin.
355
00:14:35,812 --> 00:14:37,778
- Colin Hayes?
- Don't worry.
356
00:14:37,803 --> 00:14:39,428
I'll make sure you won't
have to talk to him.
357
00:14:39,452 --> 00:14:41,911
Oh, Colin did eight seasons
here as Robert Dudley,
358
00:14:41,936 --> 00:14:43,880
Earl of Leicester.
He's entitled to visit.
359
00:14:43,905 --> 00:14:46,317
I dub thee Sir Jayden,
360
00:14:46,342 --> 00:14:48,567
Knight of the Realm!
361
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:51,833
Is he also entitled to
tempt and torment you?
362
00:14:52,113 --> 00:14:54,451
Last time he visited, I
had to spoon you so long
363
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:57,052
- our clothes stuck together.
- [SCOFFS]
364
00:14:57,505 --> 00:15:00,008
Did you know he'd be here
and deliberately not tell me?
365
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,763
Oh, please. Brian. Deliberately.
366
00:15:02,788 --> 00:15:04,653
You did know.
367
00:15:05,041 --> 00:15:07,106
So that's why you broke
things off with Jorgé.
368
00:15:07,131 --> 00:15:09,958
I dub thee Lady Alexa,
Dame of County Hamilton!
369
00:15:09,983 --> 00:15:12,052
It's José, and so what?
370
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,685
One can't mount two
productions on the same stage.
371
00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:16,128
You intend to mount?
372
00:15:16,153 --> 00:15:17,161
It's a metaphor.
373
00:15:17,186 --> 00:15:18,794
It's a synonym.
374
00:15:21,706 --> 00:15:24,286
- Jesus.
- Food service, no bueno.
375
00:15:24,311 --> 00:15:27,044
- What else you got?
- Uh, okay, uh...
376
00:15:27,069 --> 00:15:28,169
Boothie.
377
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:31,263
Crafter. Gamer.
378
00:15:31,482 --> 00:15:33,638
You're probably too
small to be a push monkey.
379
00:15:35,413 --> 00:15:36,614
A push monkey?
380
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:39,005
Yeah, the guys that push
the swings and stuff.
381
00:15:39,191 --> 00:15:41,248
- They run the rides.
- And they're referred to
382
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,106
- as monkeys.
- Yeah, well, it's that
383
00:15:43,131 --> 00:15:46,044
or motion-generating
entertainment specialists.
384
00:15:46,896 --> 00:15:48,966
I'm kidding. It's monkeys.
385
00:15:50,053 --> 00:15:51,825
WOMAN: God save the Queen!
386
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,583
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
387
00:15:53,608 --> 00:15:54,763
Your Grace.
388
00:15:55,298 --> 00:15:58,513
I am most humbled to be
in your presence this day.
389
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,458
Arise, good sir.
390
00:16:01,608 --> 00:16:04,208
Hast thou e'er been told you
do resemble Robert Dudley,
391
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:07,575
Earl of Leicester, who once
did frequent this shire?
392
00:16:07,797 --> 00:16:09,388
It hath been remarked upon.
393
00:16:09,673 --> 00:16:11,864
I am told he was thought quite handsome.
394
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,552
- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, but today,
395
00:16:14,577 --> 00:16:17,185
I am Claudius Hollyband,
if it please you.
396
00:16:17,389 --> 00:16:19,825
Linguist, philologist,
and lexicographer.
397
00:16:19,850 --> 00:16:21,685
Ah. A weaver of words, then?
398
00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:23,795
A weaver of words, a student of syntax,
399
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:25,614
a parser of paragraphs.
400
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:27,850
Indeed. Then you would
be well acquainted
401
00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:30,021
with terms such as "miscreant,"
402
00:16:30,046 --> 00:16:32,106
"vagabond," and "lothario"?
403
00:16:32,564 --> 00:16:35,177
Academically, which be far different
404
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,310
than were I to be termed
405
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:39,255
a "contumelious pantywaist dilettante."
406
00:16:40,809 --> 00:16:41,809
Uh...
407
00:16:42,954 --> 00:16:45,802
Well played, good sirs, well played.
408
00:16:45,827 --> 00:16:47,078
Such sporting wit.
409
00:16:47,103 --> 00:16:48,536
Your Grace, if I may beg a boon,
410
00:16:48,561 --> 00:16:51,028
I would a word with you, uh, alone.
411
00:16:52,076 --> 00:16:53,146
Really?
412
00:16:54,051 --> 00:16:55,575
An' it would please me...
413
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,036
But we must away,
414
00:16:57,355 --> 00:17:00,107
for our Queen's appointments
are many and her hours few.
415
00:17:00,132 --> 00:17:03,442
Yea, but the joust is
not until 1:00 and 30.
416
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,591
Better three hours too
soon than a minute too late.
417
00:17:06,770 --> 00:17:08,605
Anon, Master Holly-bland.
418
00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:10,044
- But...
- I said anon.
419
00:17:10,069 --> 00:17:12,488
♪♪
420
00:17:13,008 --> 00:17:14,426
[SIGHS]
421
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,138
Really? Three hours?
422
00:17:16,257 --> 00:17:17,926
That's the line.
"Merry Wives of Windsor."
423
00:17:17,951 --> 00:17:19,671
More like "Bored Wives of Windsor."
424
00:17:21,486 --> 00:17:23,321
Holding his sword
425
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,179
but bereft of his shield...
426
00:17:25,204 --> 00:17:26,622
Oh? Oh. Aw.
427
00:17:26,647 --> 00:17:29,451
- [LAUGHTER]
- ... the valiant young knight
428
00:17:29,476 --> 00:17:32,104
- told the dragon to...
- Yield!
429
00:17:32,129 --> 00:17:33,240
Why not stop?
430
00:17:33,265 --> 00:17:35,684
Yield seems like it's delaying things.
431
00:17:35,709 --> 00:17:37,052
- So do you.
- Oh, that's because
432
00:17:37,077 --> 00:17:38,232
I know what's coming.
433
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:40,169
We all do. It's why
they have garbage bags.
434
00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:41,623
Oh. Can I have one?
435
00:17:41,648 --> 00:17:44,021
If your performance stays
at this level, absolutely.
436
00:17:44,046 --> 00:17:45,865
- Ohh!
- [LAUGHTER]
437
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,748
But the dragon was cunning
and clever and smart.
438
00:17:50,222 --> 00:17:54,302
He laid down, turned around,
and spewed forth a great...
439
00:17:54,327 --> 00:17:55,771
Shart!
440
00:17:55,796 --> 00:17:57,748
Aah!
441
00:17:58,295 --> 00:18:00,714
Aah. Ah.
442
00:18:00,739 --> 00:18:01,943
[LAUGHTER]
443
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:04,857
And so ends our tale of bravery and wit.
444
00:18:05,044 --> 00:18:08,162
But mostly of jokes
that were all about...
445
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,029
clever wordplay.
446
00:18:10,054 --> 00:18:11,973
[LAUGHTER]
447
00:18:14,281 --> 00:18:16,162
Thank you, thank you,
448
00:18:16,838 --> 00:18:19,216
lords and ladies. Gramercy.
449
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:21,943
If thou didst enjoy the show,
450
00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:24,123
please put something in the hat.
451
00:18:24,148 --> 00:18:27,485
Even small coins, they,
uh... they make a difference.
452
00:18:27,510 --> 00:18:30,880
But if you don't have any coins,
we also accept sexual favors.
453
00:18:30,905 --> 00:18:32,584
Please don't put those in the hat.
454
00:18:32,741 --> 00:18:34,637
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
455
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:38,365
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
456
00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:39,599
Hey.
457
00:18:40,624 --> 00:18:42,123
- You okay?
- Tip-top.
458
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:45,209
Yeah, but nip not top.
459
00:18:45,235 --> 00:18:47,327
Let me get you some of Lulu's
breast milk to put on it.
460
00:18:47,351 --> 00:18:49,978
- Stuff will cure cancer.
- Don't have cancer.
461
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:52,753
- Mm, fixed my ear infection.
- Don't have an ear infection.
462
00:18:52,778 --> 00:18:54,209
- It's good in coffee...
- Stop.
463
00:18:56,127 --> 00:18:58,591
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
464
00:18:58,616 --> 00:18:59,693
You're... You're hot.
465
00:19:00,076 --> 00:19:01,202
Go rest.
466
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,287
No.
467
00:19:02,769 --> 00:19:04,662
Pizzle Wanksworth Humpsalot,
468
00:19:05,253 --> 00:19:06,521
you'll do as you're told.
469
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:10,281
Fine.
470
00:19:10,808 --> 00:19:11,808
Fine.
471
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:15,984
- ♪ Hey, whatcha lookin' at? ♪
- No!
472
00:19:16,009 --> 00:19:17,804
♪ Ain't you ever seen
anybody workin' like that? ♪
473
00:19:17,828 --> 00:19:19,774
- Mama, he... he's pushing me!
- ♪ Hey, whatcha lookin' at? ♪
474
00:19:19,798 --> 00:19:21,553
♪ Ain't you ever seen
anybody workin' like that? ♪
475
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,329
- Leave me alone!
- ♪ Hey, whatcha lookin' at? ♪
476
00:19:23,353 --> 00:19:25,376
♪ Ain't you ever seen
anybody workin' like that? ♪
477
00:19:25,401 --> 00:19:27,225
- He's not leaving me alone!
- ♪ Hey, whatcha lookin' at? ♪
478
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,159
♪ Ain't you ever seen
anybody workin' like that? ♪
479
00:19:29,183 --> 00:19:32,885
♪ See Jane work, work,
work, Jane work, work ♪
480
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,731
♪ See Jane work, work ♪
481
00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:36,667
♪ Ain't you ever seen
anybody workin' like that? ♪
482
00:19:36,691 --> 00:19:40,329
♪ See Jane work, work,
work, Jane work, work ♪
483
00:19:40,354 --> 00:19:42,723
♪ Come on, got a thing, thing,
come on, come on, come on ♪
484
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,600
♪ Can you feel me, can you feel me? ♪
485
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,476
♪ Can you feel me? Come
on, come on, come on ♪
486
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:48,151
♪ Can you feel me, can you feel me? ♪
487
00:19:48,176 --> 00:19:49,971
♪ Work, Jane, work, huh! ♪
488
00:19:52,130 --> 00:19:54,182
- Hope he feels better.
- Thanks.
489
00:19:54,207 --> 00:19:55,526
Oh, uh...
490
00:19:56,517 --> 00:19:58,686
Huzzah for the tipper!
491
00:19:58,711 --> 00:20:00,596
- Never gets old.
- [GIGGLES]
492
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:04,611
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
493
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:06,791
Look, Mommy. What is this?
494
00:20:06,816 --> 00:20:08,158
No, no, no, no, no.
495
00:20:08,371 --> 00:20:11,322
No, no, no, uh, hey,
no, ooh, ooh, ah, ah.
496
00:20:11,347 --> 00:20:13,474
This be a sheep's bladder.
497
00:20:13,499 --> 00:20:14,625
Like a balloon?
498
00:20:14,650 --> 00:20:17,143
Yes! Like a balloon!
499
00:20:17,168 --> 00:20:18,168
Blow it up.
500
00:20:20,187 --> 00:20:21,666
Blow it up, blow it up, blow it up.
501
00:20:21,869 --> 00:20:25,580
♪♪
502
00:20:27,629 --> 00:20:28,885
[COUGHS]
503
00:20:32,933 --> 00:20:37,385
♪♪
504
00:20:41,893 --> 00:20:43,213
CALLIE: And now the ring of six.
505
00:20:43,238 --> 00:20:45,073
[GRUNTS, SIGHS]
506
00:20:45,098 --> 00:20:47,057
Would you prefer to
use my saliva or yours?
507
00:20:47,082 --> 00:20:48,229
Go for it.
508
00:20:49,056 --> 00:20:50,783
♪♪
509
00:20:50,808 --> 00:20:51,808
[SPITS]
510
00:20:54,445 --> 00:20:56,676
[GROANING]
511
00:20:56,701 --> 00:20:59,457
♪♪
512
00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:01,368
Stick?
513
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,804
[GROANING]
514
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,262
♪♪
515
00:21:06,521 --> 00:21:07,721
I don't want to talk about it.
516
00:21:09,499 --> 00:21:12,027
CALLIE: From here, the
venom will find the wound.
517
00:21:13,263 --> 00:21:14,668
Stick.
518
00:21:15,304 --> 00:21:17,238
I know, but you try telling him.
519
00:21:20,605 --> 00:21:21,895
Repeat after me.
520
00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:24,584
- "I am the light."
- I am the light.
521
00:21:24,609 --> 00:21:27,043
- "I am the spirit."
- I am spirit.
522
00:21:28,808 --> 00:21:30,793
That the freaking Amazonian frog venom?
523
00:21:31,782 --> 00:21:32,992
Stick.
524
00:21:33,017 --> 00:21:34,816
Oh, yo, did you get that aspirin?
525
00:21:35,658 --> 00:21:36,730
Damn it.
526
00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:38,738
I'm sorry, man.
527
00:21:39,373 --> 00:21:41,754
I had a situa... tion.
528
00:21:42,315 --> 00:21:43,590
You don't need aspirin.
529
00:21:43,776 --> 00:21:44,776
You have me.
530
00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:46,297
"I am the soul."
531
00:21:46,322 --> 00:21:47,887
Yeah, baby, you know you are.
532
00:21:48,184 --> 00:21:49,387
No, repeat.
533
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:50,738
"I am the soul."
534
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,910
Maybe I need a real doctor.
535
00:21:54,084 --> 00:21:55,098
Define "real."
536
00:21:55,123 --> 00:21:57,465
[VOMITS]
537
00:21:58,581 --> 00:22:00,793
Good. It's working.
538
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,155
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
539
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:08,051
♪♪
540
00:22:17,976 --> 00:22:20,234
Will you stop being a... blocker?
541
00:22:20,259 --> 00:22:22,437
Stop being a... gawker.
542
00:22:23,036 --> 00:22:24,328
Colin walked out on you.
543
00:22:24,353 --> 00:22:25,605
Now he gets to walk back in?
544
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:27,798
Enough, I say. Enough, enough, enough!
545
00:22:27,823 --> 00:22:29,585
Stand down, Malvolio.
546
00:22:29,610 --> 00:22:30,929
I'm a big girl.
547
00:22:32,344 --> 00:22:35,820
The day's announcements, Your Majesty.
548
00:22:36,685 --> 00:22:41,843
[FANFARE PLAYS]
549
00:22:42,449 --> 00:22:46,367
Lords and ladies, gentles
all, I do entreat you
550
00:22:46,392 --> 00:22:49,226
to join me this day at our Royal Joust,
551
00:22:49,251 --> 00:22:53,557
where our bravest knights
battle for honor and glory.
552
00:22:53,582 --> 00:22:56,084
[APPLAUSE]
553
00:22:56,384 --> 00:23:00,764
Today, we honor Lady Linda
Sippey and Lord Eric Fundling
554
00:23:00,789 --> 00:23:02,987
upon their fourth anniversary.
555
00:23:03,012 --> 00:23:04,931
- Month.
- Month-iversary.
556
00:23:04,956 --> 00:23:08,801
Fourth monthiversary.
A full 120 days. Huzzah.
557
00:23:08,826 --> 00:23:10,244
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
558
00:23:10,269 --> 00:23:12,527
Duchess Carol Denbo is here
559
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,061
celebrating her 60th natal day.
560
00:23:15,086 --> 00:23:16,087
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
561
00:23:16,112 --> 00:23:18,450
Congratulations to Joseph Oswald
562
00:23:18,475 --> 00:23:20,393
for coming out to his grandparents,
563
00:23:20,418 --> 00:23:22,176
visiting from the colony of Maine.
564
00:23:22,291 --> 00:23:25,043
- Very brave, sir Joseph.
- ALL: Huzzah!
565
00:23:25,068 --> 00:23:29,030
Vanessa Ho-Chin, we commend
your passing of the bar.
566
00:23:29,055 --> 00:23:31,129
- ALL: Huzzah!
- And finally,
567
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,277
we celebrate love
568
00:23:33,532 --> 00:23:36,660
with the betrothal of Lady Emily Shaw
569
00:23:36,685 --> 00:23:38,238
to Lord Colin...
570
00:23:40,617 --> 00:23:41,617
Hayes.
571
00:23:41,642 --> 00:23:43,519
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
572
00:23:43,544 --> 00:23:46,005
♪♪
573
00:23:46,030 --> 00:23:47,691
Uh, water.
574
00:23:47,716 --> 00:23:49,027
I need water.
575
00:23:49,423 --> 00:23:50,423
Uh...
576
00:23:50,448 --> 00:23:53,527
[APPLAUSE]
577
00:23:54,508 --> 00:23:56,100
Congratulations to all.
578
00:23:56,125 --> 00:23:59,107
And brevity being the soul of wit,
579
00:23:59,647 --> 00:24:01,287
lay on, MacDuff,
580
00:24:02,555 --> 00:24:05,897
for all the world's a stage, right?
581
00:24:10,990 --> 00:24:15,068
Now jousters to joust
and musicians to play,
582
00:24:15,093 --> 00:24:17,818
as I, Will Shakespeare, will away.
583
00:24:18,482 --> 00:24:20,600
[CONFUSED FANFARE PLAYING]
584
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:24,506
♪♪
585
00:24:25,232 --> 00:24:26,951
[SNIFFLES, SIGHS]
586
00:24:26,976 --> 00:24:28,709
That's what he wanted
to talk to me about.
587
00:24:28,734 --> 00:24:30,287
- Maggie...
- You should have let him.
588
00:24:30,830 --> 00:24:33,131
And if I'd known, I would have.
589
00:24:33,975 --> 00:24:35,920
Maybe. [SIGHS]
590
00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:39,240
My intention was to not
let you get hurt again.
591
00:24:39,595 --> 00:24:40,701
Good intentions.
592
00:24:40,726 --> 00:24:42,756
They never fail to screw me over.
593
00:24:42,990 --> 00:24:44,288
And what if he had spoken to you?
594
00:24:44,312 --> 00:24:45,999
- What would it have changed?
- Well, I could have...
595
00:24:46,023 --> 00:24:47,525
I would have had some warning.
596
00:24:47,550 --> 00:24:49,218
[SCOFFS] Yes.
597
00:24:49,474 --> 00:24:51,092
Warning that the man
who broke your heart
598
00:24:51,117 --> 00:24:53,826
was back to rub your
nose in it, publicly?
599
00:24:53,851 --> 00:24:55,287
He's such a dick.
600
00:24:55,772 --> 00:24:56,951
Always was.
601
00:24:57,586 --> 00:24:59,936
So why do I keep looking
back and wondering, "What if?"
602
00:25:02,524 --> 00:25:05,615
Because he's the... who got away.
603
00:25:06,406 --> 00:25:08,506
He didn't get away. I let him go.
604
00:25:08,866 --> 00:25:12,740
Off to the suburbs to a regular
job and a-a regular life.
605
00:25:13,427 --> 00:25:15,397
You could have gone
with him and had it, too.
606
00:25:16,059 --> 00:25:18,561
But you chose Queen and country
607
00:25:18,586 --> 00:25:21,865
over a convenient and
conventional union,
608
00:25:22,691 --> 00:25:24,428
just like the real Elizabeth.
609
00:25:26,516 --> 00:25:28,350
Probably die like her, too...
610
00:25:29,057 --> 00:25:31,143
bald and surrounded by pugs.
611
00:25:31,168 --> 00:25:34,006
But beloved, forever beloved.
612
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,608
Victoria had the pugs, not Elizabeth.
613
00:25:36,632 --> 00:25:37,943
- Oh, damn it, Brian.
- Sorry.
614
00:25:37,968 --> 00:25:41,931
[FANFARE PLAYS]
615
00:25:42,108 --> 00:25:44,420
Stay. I got it.
616
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:52,022
♪♪
617
00:25:53,178 --> 00:25:55,701
BRIAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, to the joust!
618
00:25:55,726 --> 00:25:57,443
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
619
00:25:57,728 --> 00:26:03,186
♪♪
620
00:26:16,314 --> 00:26:17,454
[FACETIME RINGING]
621
00:26:18,266 --> 00:26:22,020
♪♪
622
00:26:22,045 --> 00:26:23,088
Kombucha?
623
00:26:23,113 --> 00:26:25,447
Jesus, Cyril. Okay.
624
00:26:25,845 --> 00:26:27,306
Gross.
625
00:26:28,279 --> 00:26:30,156
Hey. [CHUCKLES] Don't panic.
626
00:26:30,181 --> 00:26:31,275
It's organic.
627
00:26:31,623 --> 00:26:33,441
- Ew.
- What, you got something
628
00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:35,579
- against manure?
- Got something for it?
629
00:26:35,604 --> 00:26:36,604
Yeah.
630
00:26:37,621 --> 00:26:39,306
- Funk of the earth, huh?
- [RETCHES]
631
00:26:39,331 --> 00:26:41,126
What begins as grass
632
00:26:41,151 --> 00:26:44,072
becomes the power of those
beasties' mighty haunches,
633
00:26:44,097 --> 00:26:45,681
becomes speed, and then,
634
00:26:45,706 --> 00:26:48,595
once expelled, becomes grass again.
635
00:26:49,341 --> 00:26:50,341
So...
636
00:26:52,456 --> 00:26:53,464
Kombucha?
637
00:26:54,284 --> 00:26:56,011
I foraged the rose hips myself.
638
00:26:56,427 --> 00:26:58,620
And hard pass.
639
00:26:58,645 --> 00:26:59,761
[FACETIME RINGING]
640
00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:00,831
[SIGHS]
641
00:27:03,573 --> 00:27:04,573
Oh, my God.
642
00:27:05,056 --> 00:27:06,386
It doesn't recognize me.
643
00:27:07,021 --> 00:27:08,737
My phone doesn't know who I am.
644
00:27:09,776 --> 00:27:11,147
Look at me. Look at me!
645
00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:13,091
Does my face not look like my face?
646
00:27:13,116 --> 00:27:15,644
Oof, scoby's off.
647
00:27:16,796 --> 00:27:17,796
[SIGHS]
648
00:27:19,869 --> 00:27:25,338
[FACETIME CONTINUES RINGING]
649
00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:27,213
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
650
00:27:30,995 --> 00:27:31,995
Hey.
651
00:27:32,281 --> 00:27:33,322
Hey what?
652
00:27:33,703 --> 00:27:35,447
Hey, I'm sorry?
653
00:27:35,550 --> 00:27:37,177
Hey, I love you?
654
00:27:37,202 --> 00:27:38,588
Hey, can we work things out?
655
00:27:38,613 --> 00:27:39,916
Can you just stop saying hey?
656
00:27:40,407 --> 00:27:42,002
I can't with the hay right now.
657
00:27:42,488 --> 00:27:44,657
You look different... good different.
658
00:27:44,682 --> 00:27:46,542
Like, earthy.
659
00:27:46,729 --> 00:27:47,729
Thanks?
660
00:27:48,093 --> 00:27:49,628
Yeah, no, I...
661
00:27:50,541 --> 00:27:53,292
Look, I'm beyond sorry
that what I did upset you.
662
00:27:53,317 --> 00:27:55,069
[ROOSTER CROWS]
663
00:27:55,094 --> 00:27:56,734
But I also know that
we're better together
664
00:27:57,095 --> 00:27:59,464
- and that it takes two to make a...
- "Thing go right"?
665
00:28:00,295 --> 00:28:01,819
- I swear to God, Brett...
- That it takes two
666
00:28:01,843 --> 00:28:03,586
to make a relationship work,
667
00:28:03,898 --> 00:28:05,279
to share in its joys,
668
00:28:05,878 --> 00:28:08,091
but also to shoulder its burdens.
669
00:28:08,352 --> 00:28:11,193
What kind of TED Talk
bull... are you on, Brett?
670
00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:12,918
Shoulder its burdens?
671
00:28:12,943 --> 00:28:14,755
You cheated on me on our wedding day.
672
00:28:15,044 --> 00:28:16,419
Why should I shoulder that burden?
673
00:28:16,444 --> 00:28:18,822
- Because we're a couple.
- Yeah, which means two,
674
00:28:18,847 --> 00:28:22,224
not two and then the
occasional out-of-network beej.
675
00:28:22,249 --> 00:28:24,356
WOMAN: Bonjour, monsieur.
Tout est d'accord ?
676
00:28:24,859 --> 00:28:26,804
- Oh, my God.
- Merci.
677
00:28:27,502 --> 00:28:29,031
Are you in St. Barts?
678
00:28:29,864 --> 00:28:32,242
Are you on our... honeymoon?!
679
00:28:33,498 --> 00:28:36,359
Dr. Bloom after said after
a major emotional trauma
680
00:28:36,384 --> 00:28:37,952
to prioritize self-care.
681
00:28:38,990 --> 00:28:41,257
And the tickets were non-refundable...
682
00:28:42,100 --> 00:28:43,435
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- No.
683
00:28:43,460 --> 00:28:44,538
No, no, no, no, no.
684
00:28:44,563 --> 00:28:47,007
I am not done yelling at you!
685
00:28:47,223 --> 00:28:49,410
Oh, come on, data plan. Come on, Wi-Fi.
686
00:28:49,607 --> 00:28:52,379
Oh. My kingdom for some Wi-Fi!
687
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:56,114
♪♪
688
00:28:56,139 --> 00:28:57,918
Yes. [LAUGHS]
689
00:28:58,612 --> 00:29:00,153
[SIGHS] Finally.
690
00:29:01,184 --> 00:29:03,979
[LINE RINGING]
691
00:29:04,004 --> 00:29:05,184
Coward!
692
00:29:05,769 --> 00:29:07,846
I hope you go on our scuba excursion
693
00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:09,824
and get ... raped by an electric eel.
694
00:29:09,849 --> 00:29:10,930
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
695
00:29:13,392 --> 00:29:15,714
Oh, my God. Amanda.
You guys, it's Amanda.
696
00:29:15,739 --> 00:29:17,199
- Oh!
- Oh! Hi!
697
00:29:17,224 --> 00:29:19,175
Hi. Morgan...
698
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:20,678
- [WOMEN SHRIEKING]
- We're getting drinks.
699
00:29:20,702 --> 00:29:21,995
Miss you, bitch.
700
00:29:22,020 --> 00:29:24,403
Ugh. Mocktails. So over it.
701
00:29:24,428 --> 00:29:26,591
- Morgan?
- How's rehab?
702
00:29:26,616 --> 00:29:28,118
MORGAN: Lexi, she's not in rehab.
703
00:29:28,143 --> 00:29:29,770
That's just what we're
saying. Did you...
704
00:29:29,795 --> 00:29:32,130
Lexi, stop waving the phone around.
705
00:29:32,155 --> 00:29:33,567
I just want to see.
706
00:29:33,592 --> 00:29:35,731
Lex... Lexi. [SIGHS]
707
00:29:35,756 --> 00:29:37,133
Morgan, take the phone from Lexi.
708
00:29:37,158 --> 00:29:38,567
- Ohh.
- Hi.
709
00:29:38,592 --> 00:29:41,247
Okay. I just spoke to Brett.
710
00:29:41,272 --> 00:29:43,654
About the story the Post? I know. I saw.
711
00:29:43,679 --> 00:29:45,396
But don't worry. Honestly,
I didn't share it,
712
00:29:45,420 --> 00:29:46,659
and don't freak out about the comments.
713
00:29:46,659 --> 00:29:47,874
It's not a big deal. It's gonna be fine.
714
00:29:47,898 --> 00:29:49,273
- That's not what I was gonna say.
- I didn't share it, either,
715
00:29:49,297 --> 00:29:51,383
and... and truly, people have moved on.
716
00:29:51,633 --> 00:29:53,176
You know the Central Park polar bear,
717
00:29:53,201 --> 00:29:55,319
the one with autism? He drowned.
718
00:29:55,344 --> 00:29:57,108
- [GASPS] He drowned?
- Yeah.
719
00:29:57,133 --> 00:29:58,801
I'm not calling about the Post!
720
00:29:58,826 --> 00:30:01,905
Hey, I also didn't share. And
I know this is a weird time,
721
00:30:01,930 --> 00:30:04,983
but are you reimbursing us
for the bridesmaid dresses?
722
00:30:05,212 --> 00:30:06,212
No.
723
00:30:06,699 --> 00:30:09,444
Did you guys know that
Brett is on my our honeymoon?
724
00:30:10,433 --> 00:30:12,366
I'm sorry. I didn't
know we weren't supposed
725
00:30:12,391 --> 00:30:14,554
- to share the story.
- Give Morgan the...
726
00:30:14,579 --> 00:30:16,179
- I feel bad.
- Give the phone to Morgan.
727
00:30:16,204 --> 00:30:18,576
But it got a bunch of likes
and a ton of sad faces, and
728
00:30:18,601 --> 00:30:19,734
- those are hard to do, because...
- All right, all right, all right.
729
00:30:19,758 --> 00:30:20,758
What...
730
00:30:21,832 --> 00:30:23,507
Lexi? Morgan.
731
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:25,335
Are you guys there?
732
00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:26,991
Are you there?!
733
00:30:28,318 --> 00:30:31,350
Hey. Would you mind turning
the volume down just a touch?
734
00:30:31,584 --> 00:30:32,843
I'm trying to nap.
735
00:30:34,076 --> 00:30:35,600
I need a drink.
736
00:30:37,963 --> 00:30:40,803
So this is your usual coping mechanism.
737
00:30:40,828 --> 00:30:43,366
I am not an alcoholic.
738
00:30:44,162 --> 00:30:46,647
People who buy Sour Apple
vodka are alcoholics.
739
00:30:46,672 --> 00:30:48,508
Oh, I'm glad to see that
you're taking things seriously
740
00:30:48,532 --> 00:30:49,639
on your first day.
741
00:30:50,384 --> 00:30:52,052
Says the guy who was napping.
742
00:30:52,077 --> 00:30:53,398
I was trying to just recover enough
743
00:30:53,422 --> 00:30:54,737
so that I could do the last show.
744
00:30:54,761 --> 00:30:57,569
Ew. Yeah, you need
to get that looked at.
745
00:30:57,594 --> 00:30:59,678
When I was working at Refinery29,
746
00:30:59,703 --> 00:31:00,827
I had an alarming lump,
747
00:31:00,852 --> 00:31:02,332
and I had to take the whole week off.
748
00:31:02,547 --> 00:31:04,163
'Cause they thought you had cancer?
749
00:31:04,392 --> 00:31:06,357
No, but I did.
750
00:31:06,510 --> 00:31:08,811
It was a fatty lipoma. Benign.
751
00:31:08,944 --> 00:31:10,897
And apparently hereditary.
752
00:31:11,692 --> 00:31:13,068
Cheers to a lifetime
753
00:31:13,093 --> 00:31:15,272
of outpatient fatty lipoma removals.
754
00:31:15,297 --> 00:31:17,264
Um, I don't know, sorry?
755
00:31:17,405 --> 00:31:18,405
Thanks.
756
00:31:19,866 --> 00:31:21,773
Now, when are you
gonna go to the doctor?
757
00:31:21,798 --> 00:31:24,007
I'm not. Do you have any
idea what that would cost?
758
00:31:24,205 --> 00:31:26,953
Who cares? Where I come
from, your health comes first.
759
00:31:26,978 --> 00:31:28,271
Yeah, well, where you come from,
760
00:31:28,296 --> 00:31:29,547
you have personal drivers,
761
00:31:29,572 --> 00:31:32,007
or better yet, a concierge physician.
762
00:31:32,210 --> 00:31:33,843
Why are you acting like this?
763
00:31:33,936 --> 00:31:36,522
It's not my fault that
your nipple's infected.
764
00:31:38,716 --> 00:31:39,716
What?
765
00:31:39,936 --> 00:31:42,406
♪♪
766
00:31:42,879 --> 00:31:45,554
- Heya! [LAUGHS]
- Whoa, shit. Hey.
767
00:31:45,579 --> 00:31:48,457
- Whatcha doing?
- Uh, nothing.
768
00:31:48,482 --> 00:31:50,472
I'm gon' go pee-pee.
769
00:31:51,023 --> 00:31:52,023
Cool.
770
00:31:53,549 --> 00:31:55,680
- What's this about?
- Oh, uh,
771
00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:57,652
youthful rebellion, binge drinking,
772
00:31:57,677 --> 00:31:59,996
- and who doesn't love a coupon?
- Oh.
773
00:32:00,021 --> 00:32:02,254
- ♪ Here comes the bride ♪
- ♪ Comes the bride ♪
774
00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:04,269
- [CACKLES]
- [VOCALIZES, LAUGHS]
775
00:32:04,294 --> 00:32:06,963
Look, my finger's
engaged to your nipple.
776
00:32:06,988 --> 00:32:10,698
- Whoa!
- [SCREAMING]
777
00:32:10,723 --> 00:32:13,198
Oh, my God.
778
00:32:16,027 --> 00:32:17,987
Maybe I am an alcoholic.
779
00:32:18,012 --> 00:32:19,292
You might be.
780
00:32:21,555 --> 00:32:23,277
I'm so sorry.
781
00:32:24,487 --> 00:32:25,988
I can't believe I did that.
782
00:32:26,013 --> 00:32:28,027
Yeah, it surprised me, too.
783
00:32:28,508 --> 00:32:30,769
First the Post, and now this.
784
00:32:31,116 --> 00:32:33,948
Why am I all of a sudden a
magnet for public humiliation
785
00:32:33,973 --> 00:32:35,261
and... and maiming?
786
00:32:38,481 --> 00:32:41,808
The only one that can
humiliate you is you.
787
00:32:41,948 --> 00:32:44,200
Who's that? Lao Tzu?
788
00:32:44,225 --> 00:32:46,269
Sun Tzu? Shih Tzu?
789
00:32:46,294 --> 00:32:47,386
It's me.
790
00:32:50,027 --> 00:32:51,695
I didn't tell anyone that you did it.
791
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:53,284
You didn't tell me I did it,
792
00:32:54,392 --> 00:32:56,386
which is insane.
793
00:32:56,878 --> 00:32:57,950
Where I come from,
794
00:32:57,975 --> 00:33:00,214
that kind of stuff trends
like hashtag-immediately.
795
00:33:00,239 --> 00:33:02,191
Yeah, well, this isn't
where you come from.
796
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:04,800
It's where you are.
797
00:33:06,405 --> 00:33:08,402
- You again?
- Me again.
798
00:33:09,943 --> 00:33:11,480
You're weirdly deep.
799
00:33:13,572 --> 00:33:14,572
Thanks.
800
00:33:16,142 --> 00:33:17,142
No.
801
00:33:18,394 --> 00:33:19,394
Thank you.
802
00:33:21,878 --> 00:33:23,459
- You're welcome.
- [DOOR OPENS]
803
00:33:23,459 --> 00:33:25,323
Just close the door be... I'll get it.
804
00:33:29,823 --> 00:33:32,200
♪♪
805
00:33:32,731 --> 00:33:35,691
DELILAH: ♪ Where they beg
all-in for me to sit on ♪
806
00:33:35,819 --> 00:33:39,652
♪ I'd sit on that man all day long ♪
807
00:33:39,718 --> 00:33:42,206
♪ And play and go whee, whee... ♪
808
00:33:42,231 --> 00:33:44,113
Aah! Good cuz!
809
00:33:44,451 --> 00:33:47,550
How didst thou fare on thy
first and inaugural day?
810
00:33:47,575 --> 00:33:50,119
Was it wonderfully wondrous?
Tell me. Tell me all.
811
00:33:50,144 --> 00:33:51,144
[CRYING]
812
00:33:51,448 --> 00:33:52,448
Oh.
813
00:33:53,971 --> 00:33:56,072
[SOBBING]
814
00:33:57,075 --> 00:33:58,345
There, there.
815
00:34:00,014 --> 00:34:01,474
Let it all out.
816
00:34:01,499 --> 00:34:03,000
[SOBBING]
817
00:34:03,038 --> 00:34:06,721
Whatever it is, it'll all be fine.
818
00:34:07,610 --> 00:34:11,533
♪♪
819
00:34:12,323 --> 00:34:15,799
How can you have known me
for one day and be nicer to me
820
00:34:15,824 --> 00:34:18,392
than the people who were
supposed to be in my wedding?
821
00:34:19,332 --> 00:34:20,332
[SCOFFS]
822
00:34:22,460 --> 00:34:25,721
Because... you're one of us now.
823
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,744
You're faire-mily.
824
00:34:32,032 --> 00:34:34,189
Oh, I don't know about that.
825
00:34:35,486 --> 00:34:37,502
This feels good.
826
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,000
[GASPS]
827
00:34:40,741 --> 00:34:42,299
That's your Faire name.
828
00:34:44,027 --> 00:34:45,674
Something "Feelsgood."
829
00:34:46,832 --> 00:34:47,869
Titania.
830
00:34:48,247 --> 00:34:49,713
Okay, uh...
831
00:34:49,738 --> 00:34:50,955
Miranda.
832
00:34:51,888 --> 00:34:52,888
Uh...
833
00:34:53,773 --> 00:34:55,916
- Olivia.
- Ophelia?
834
00:34:56,503 --> 00:34:58,322
Hamlet's Ophelia lost her mind.
835
00:34:58,347 --> 00:35:00,056
It seems weirdly appropriate.
836
00:35:01,815 --> 00:35:04,338
There you go. [LAUGHS]
837
00:35:04,722 --> 00:35:07,127
Ophelia Feelsgood.
838
00:35:07,650 --> 00:35:08,994
It's perfect.
839
00:35:13,197 --> 00:35:14,197
Hey.
840
00:35:15,470 --> 00:35:17,455
What job around here
makes the most money?
841
00:35:18,193 --> 00:35:21,905
[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
842
00:35:21,930 --> 00:35:23,838
Huzzah for the tipper!
843
00:35:24,191 --> 00:35:26,360
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
844
00:35:26,385 --> 00:35:27,908
♪♪
845
00:35:27,933 --> 00:35:29,852
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
846
00:35:29,877 --> 00:35:33,330
♪♪
847
00:35:33,355 --> 00:35:36,072
- Huzzah! Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
848
00:35:36,196 --> 00:35:38,228
Huzzah for the tipper!
849
00:35:39,254 --> 00:35:41,213
More chest, less shoulders.
850
00:35:41,412 --> 00:35:43,260
Huzzah for the tipper.
851
00:35:43,872 --> 00:35:45,650
Better. We'll work on it.
852
00:35:45,799 --> 00:35:47,674
♪♪
853
00:35:48,364 --> 00:35:50,642
You know, I thought this
would feel degrading,
854
00:35:50,667 --> 00:35:54,338
humiliating, and offensive,
but I'm actually having fun.
855
00:35:54,363 --> 00:35:56,991
Good! As long as
you're not an alcoholic.
856
00:35:57,016 --> 00:35:58,228
That's how we lost Gina.
857
00:35:58,253 --> 00:35:59,697
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
858
00:36:01,059 --> 00:36:02,978
You don't happen to
have a Sharpie, do you?
859
00:36:03,003 --> 00:36:04,619
Indeed, mistress.
860
00:36:06,001 --> 00:36:09,431
Behold, the Quill of Permanence.
861
00:36:10,678 --> 00:36:14,056
SHART: But if you don't have any
coins, we also accept sexual favors.
862
00:36:14,081 --> 00:36:15,853
DAVID: Please don't
put those in the hat.
863
00:36:16,033 --> 00:36:17,728
Uh, they make the coins sticky.
864
00:36:18,063 --> 00:36:22,580
♪♪
865
00:36:45,098 --> 00:36:46,313
MAN: God save the Queen!
866
00:36:46,338 --> 00:36:48,156
MAN 2: God save the Queen!
867
00:36:48,181 --> 00:36:50,781
- God save the Queen!
- God save the Queen!
868
00:36:50,806 --> 00:36:54,844
♪♪
869
00:36:59,396 --> 00:37:01,328
Stop! Courtiers, halt.
870
00:37:01,353 --> 00:37:02,399
Halt!
871
00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:03,595
Oh.
872
00:37:03,954 --> 00:37:04,954
Steady.
873
00:37:09,792 --> 00:37:11,168
Oh, Your Majesty.
874
00:37:11,193 --> 00:37:13,594
Uh, excuse me, but would it be possible
875
00:37:13,619 --> 00:37:15,525
if I could get a picture
of you with my daughter?
876
00:37:15,549 --> 00:37:16,758
[CHUCKLES]
877
00:37:20,740 --> 00:37:22,188
- Of course.
- Oh.
878
00:37:22,855 --> 00:37:24,438
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello.
879
00:37:24,463 --> 00:37:25,463
Okay.
880
00:37:26,454 --> 00:37:27,789
- Hi, little one.
- Okay.
881
00:37:28,909 --> 00:37:31,977
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Oh, thank you, Your Grace.
882
00:37:32,002 --> 00:37:33,250
Come here.
883
00:37:33,639 --> 00:37:35,695
Uh, may I show you something?
884
00:37:35,980 --> 00:37:39,203
My mom took this when...
when I was a baby.
885
00:37:40,075 --> 00:37:42,930
- Oh.
- This is, uh, you
886
00:37:43,017 --> 00:37:44,017
holding me.
887
00:37:44,225 --> 00:37:46,053
Indeed.
888
00:37:47,498 --> 00:37:48,716
And how old...
889
00:37:49,247 --> 00:37:50,286
Never mind.
890
00:37:50,915 --> 00:37:53,131
'Tis a portrait most wondrous.
891
00:37:53,622 --> 00:37:56,888
Thank thee, mistress,
and blessings upon you
892
00:37:56,913 --> 00:37:59,334
and your most glorious progeny.
893
00:38:00,123 --> 00:38:01,623
Oh, no, please.
894
00:38:01,648 --> 00:38:03,326
That's a copy for you.
895
00:38:03,721 --> 00:38:05,539
Thank you, Your Majesty.
896
00:38:07,531 --> 00:38:09,476
You see how much you mean to people?
897
00:38:10,147 --> 00:38:11,445
To some people.
898
00:38:11,937 --> 00:38:14,898
As long as men can
breathe or eyes can see,
899
00:38:15,134 --> 00:38:16,937
so long lives this.
900
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:19,294
And this gives life to thee.
901
00:38:19,552 --> 00:38:22,075
So long lives this.
902
00:38:22,834 --> 00:38:25,231
So very, very long.
903
00:38:25,256 --> 00:38:27,426
Ah, this could be yesterday.
904
00:38:27,451 --> 00:38:28,911
Ah, would that it were,
905
00:38:29,035 --> 00:38:31,294
for then I could enjoy
my reign all over again.
906
00:38:31,319 --> 00:38:33,051
[CHORTLES]
907
00:38:33,076 --> 00:38:35,380
And especially your friendship.
908
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:37,622
You're high.
909
00:38:38,128 --> 00:38:40,051
Only a tiny, tiny little bit.
910
00:38:41,362 --> 00:38:43,739
Courtiers, musicians, good gentles all,
911
00:38:43,764 --> 00:38:45,809
our parade resumes!
912
00:38:45,834 --> 00:38:48,045
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
913
00:38:56,073 --> 00:39:00,057
♪♪
914
00:39:21,356 --> 00:39:24,862
[VIBRATOR BUZZING]
915
00:39:27,385 --> 00:39:28,705
Keep it clean and dry.
916
00:39:28,730 --> 00:39:30,035
The stitches will dissolve on their own.
917
00:39:30,059 --> 00:39:32,168
And be sure you complete the
full course of antibiotics.
918
00:39:32,192 --> 00:39:34,729
Gotcha. And, uh, how do you feel
919
00:39:34,754 --> 00:39:36,534
about aggressive nipple play?
920
00:39:37,273 --> 00:39:38,479
For me or for you?
921
00:39:38,848 --> 00:39:40,495
[CHUCKLES] Ow.
922
00:39:44,129 --> 00:39:50,343
♪ Oh, open up, p-parachute ♪
923
00:39:50,368 --> 00:39:53,805
- ♪ I've got a lot of livin' to do ♪
- [LISPING] Oh! Pizzle!
924
00:39:53,830 --> 00:39:56,555
- It's me!
- ♪ Open up, parachute ♪
925
00:39:56,580 --> 00:39:58,110
P-Pizzle? Uh...
926
00:39:58,304 --> 00:39:59,525
David.
927
00:40:01,693 --> 00:40:07,290
♪ When choosin' to see
the bird's-eye view ♪
928
00:40:07,441 --> 00:40:10,716
♪ Didn't know what I was gettin' into ♪
929
00:40:10,741 --> 00:40:12,892
So, did you, like,
have to study and stuff
930
00:40:12,917 --> 00:40:14,987
- to be Queen?
- ♪ Please, open up, parachute ♪
931
00:40:15,012 --> 00:40:18,057
No, it's an inherited position,
like an actual monarchy.
932
00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:19,831
Whoa. Cool.
933
00:40:19,856 --> 00:40:21,596
Of course I had to study.
934
00:40:21,978 --> 00:40:22,978
Okay.
935
00:40:23,003 --> 00:40:24,838
[BOTH PANTING]
936
00:40:25,081 --> 00:40:28,084
Um, Elizabeth was called
the Virgin Queen, you know.
937
00:40:28,109 --> 00:40:30,643
- [CHUCKLES]
- So you're a virgin?
938
00:40:31,872 --> 00:40:34,249
That's right. [CHUCKLES]
939
00:40:34,274 --> 00:40:35,370
Now say it.
940
00:40:35,813 --> 00:40:37,815
Say I'm your dirty virgin queen.
941
00:40:38,453 --> 00:40:39,907
I'm your dirty virgin queen.
942
00:40:39,932 --> 00:40:41,870
Ugh, not you, peasant. Me!
943
00:40:42,241 --> 00:40:44,143
O-Oh. You're my dirty virgin queen.
944
00:40:44,168 --> 00:40:45,628
Oh, how dare you? Say it again.
945
00:40:45,653 --> 00:40:46,846
You're my dirty virgin queen.
946
00:40:46,871 --> 00:40:48,956
Oh, you naughty little stable boy!
947
00:40:48,981 --> 00:40:52,799
[SHRIEKING]
948
00:40:54,848 --> 00:40:58,175
Oh! Guards, take him away.
949
00:40:58,465 --> 00:41:01,865
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
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