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# You must remember this
2
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# A kiss is still a kiss
3
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# A sigh is just a sigh
4
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# The fundamental things apply
5
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# As time goes by #
6
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- Do you mind, grandad?
- Sorry.
7
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Someone in there.
8
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Look, you're not just snogging in there, are you?
9
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Snogging.
10
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- "Snogging"!
- Well...
11
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- Whatever you call it these days.
- Foreplay.
12
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:34,119
- What?
- Foreplay.
13
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We were having our photo taken.
14
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That's the trouble with your generation.
15
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You're obsessed with sex.
16
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Well, go on. Take your family in.
17
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Blast!
18
00:02:18,527 --> 00:02:21,917
- What are you up to in there?
- Oh, clear off.
19
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,764
Blast!
20
00:02:27,327 --> 00:02:29,921
- Snogging?
- No!
21
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Blast!
22
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- You look like a frightened horse in that one.
- I was angry.
23
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Well, an angry horse.
24
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- The one of the top of my head's good.
- Are you still angry?
25
00:02:42,487 --> 00:02:44,842
No. Just facing the wrong way.
26
00:02:44,887 --> 00:02:50,086
Oh, I have to ask. What is
a Chinese gentleman doing in this one?
27
00:02:50,127 --> 00:02:51,879
- Butting in.
- Why?
28
00:02:51,927 --> 00:02:54,361
He wanted to know if I was snogging.
29
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With whom?
30
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:02,357
A young couple in there before me
said I was obsessed with sex.
31
00:03:02,407 --> 00:03:05,126
- Are you?
- No, of course not.
32
00:03:06,207 --> 00:03:09,324
Oh. Well, they seemed to be in there
a long time
33
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:11,676
so I asked them if they were just snogging.
34
00:03:11,727 --> 00:03:15,322
- I don't expect it's called snogging these days.
- No, they said that.
35
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:18,439
- What is it called?
- F... I can't remember.
36
00:03:18,487 --> 00:03:20,398
- Hello, Lionel.
- Hello.
37
00:03:20,447 --> 00:03:22,961
Ooh, photos. I love photos.
38
00:03:23,607 --> 00:03:26,599
- Is this a joke?
- I don't think it was intended to be.
39
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:28,365
What's that Chinaman doing?
40
00:03:28,407 --> 00:03:32,639
Have copies made. Circulate them.
Raise the spirits of the entire nation.
41
00:03:32,687 --> 00:03:34,484
- I'm only curious.
- So am I.
42
00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:36,563
- I'll tell you over dinner.
- We're going out?
43
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:40,043
- Yes, WE are. Anything to add?
- No.
44
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:43,841
I've left my bag upstairs. I won't be a minute.
45
00:03:43,887 --> 00:03:47,880
- What's the matter with the top of your head?
- May I have them back, please?
46
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:49,918
Thank you.
47
00:03:49,967 --> 00:03:52,117
I'm glad you're going out with Mum.
48
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:54,476
I mean, I am over you.
49
00:03:54,527 --> 00:03:57,564
You make me sound like Beechers Brook.
50
00:03:57,607 --> 00:04:02,601
It was just a silly romantic notion.
I'm prone to those. It would never have worked.
51
00:04:02,647 --> 00:04:05,002
- You're far too old.
- You're far...
52
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Quite.
53
00:04:06,487 --> 00:04:09,718
- Is that what you were going to say?
- Yes, of course.
54
00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:12,645
What do young people call snogging these days?
55
00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:16,043
I don't know.
I don't think it's called anything. Why?
56
00:04:16,087 --> 00:04:18,078
Oh, call it historical research.
57
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:21,915
- Is that what you've got in mind with Mum?
- No.
58
00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:24,083
Well...
59
00:04:24,127 --> 00:04:27,119
- You're embarrassed.
- I'm not embarrassed.
60
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,556
So is it just companionship then?
61
00:04:29,607 --> 00:04:32,485
You make it sound as if
we should be wearing woolly hats.
62
00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:35,678
- Woolly hats?
- It's an image.
63
00:04:35,727 --> 00:04:38,321
We may not be in the first flush of youth but...
64
00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:42,076
- It's amazing, isn't it?
- No, it isn't amazing.
65
00:04:42,127 --> 00:04:44,516
It's perf... Oh, there you are.
66
00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:48,321
I know someone's been taking behind my back
when they say, "Oh, there you are."
67
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:50,483
- I started it.
- I thought you might have.
68
00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:51,880
- Shall we go?
- Let's.
69
00:04:51,927 --> 00:04:54,441
- I shan't wait up as I'm a bit tired.
- Good night.
70
00:04:54,487 --> 00:04:58,002
So if you want to have a good snog...
71
00:04:58,047 --> 00:05:00,242
Good night, Judith.
72
00:05:06,007 --> 00:05:08,646
What?
73
00:05:08,687 --> 00:05:11,565
- Have I got a bit of food on me or something?
- No.
74
00:05:11,607 --> 00:05:16,397
Wouldn't it be funny if the chap in your
photograph turned out to own this restaurant.
75
00:05:16,447 --> 00:05:18,085
- No.
- No.
76
00:05:18,127 --> 00:05:21,199
No, it would just be
an extraordinary coincidence.
77
00:05:21,247 --> 00:05:24,159
You don't laugh as much as you used to.
78
00:05:24,207 --> 00:05:26,118
Less to laugh at, I suppose.
79
00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:29,523
You never told me why
you had those ridiculous photographs taken.
80
00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:32,035
I didn't intend them to be ridiculous.
81
00:05:32,087 --> 00:05:35,523
It's curiosity really.
I just wanted to see what I look like.
82
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:37,523
Most people use a mirror.
83
00:05:38,407 --> 00:05:40,363
No, how I photograph.
84
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:44,279
Are you thinking of becoming a model?
85
00:05:45,327 --> 00:05:50,242
It's the book. Alistair the boy publisher
has decided he wants me on the cover.
86
00:05:50,287 --> 00:05:53,279
- You?!
- Thank you.
87
00:05:53,327 --> 00:05:55,522
Well, I suppose he knows what he's doing.
88
00:05:55,567 --> 00:06:00,004
Yes. I mean, he wouldn't deliberately
endanger sales, would he?
89
00:06:00,047 --> 00:06:03,244
- Would you like a drink? Brandy?
- I wouldn't mind, actually.
90
00:06:03,287 --> 00:06:06,006
But the chap said
the bar had closed 20 minutes ago.
91
00:06:06,047 --> 00:06:08,959
Oh, I've been here before.
There's a trick to it.
92
00:06:09,007 --> 00:06:11,202
Erm...
93
00:06:12,727 --> 00:06:15,002
- May we have a pot of China tea?
- Yes, sir.
94
00:06:15,047 --> 00:06:17,925
That's erm... China tea.
95
00:06:17,967 --> 00:06:20,003
Yes, sir.
96
00:06:22,887 --> 00:06:25,526
- That's the trick, is it?
- That's the trick.
97
00:06:25,567 --> 00:06:27,558
- Who with?
- The waiter, obviously.
98
00:06:27,607 --> 00:06:31,122
- No, who were you here with?
- Mind your own business.
99
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,805
No, Alistair, actually.
100
00:06:32,847 --> 00:06:35,407
You should be flattered
that he wants you on the cover.
101
00:06:35,447 --> 00:06:40,077
I don't have photographs taken, you see.
I tend to turn out looking sulky.
102
00:06:42,847 --> 00:06:47,159
Well... You didn't look sulky in this one.
103
00:06:49,327 --> 00:06:52,717
Good God. That was us 38 years ago.
104
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:55,918
Hm. You look a bit smug.
105
00:06:55,967 --> 00:06:57,719
I felt a bit smug.
106
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:01,964
I suppose they couldn't use that
for the cover of the book.
107
00:07:02,007 --> 00:07:05,477
It's called My Life In Kenya,
not My Life As A National Serviceman.
108
00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:09,440
- Anyway, I'm not in the book.
- You weren't in Kenya.
109
00:07:09,487 --> 00:07:11,682
I know I wasn't in Kenya.
110
00:07:11,727 --> 00:07:14,116
- It'll never sell.
- Oh, that's the spirit.
111
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,601
I've got used to things not turning out right.
112
00:07:16,647 --> 00:07:18,877
Well, getting a drink after hours isn't bad.
113
00:07:18,927 --> 00:07:22,078
- One pot of China tea, sir.
- Thank you.
114
00:07:22,127 --> 00:07:23,799
It's like Prohibition.
115
00:07:23,847 --> 00:07:26,202
- Large one?
- Please.
116
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:34,758
It's tea.
117
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:42,723
Thanks. You know, I think there's more
riding on this book than Lionel admits.
118
00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:44,166
I think he needs the money.
119
00:07:44,207 --> 00:07:48,166
Well, speaking as one
of the seriously underpaid, who doesn't?
120
00:07:48,207 --> 00:07:53,565
- It just needs to sell.
- Yes, the trouble is, we've all read it.
121
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:57,441
He and you-know-who
went out to dinner last night.
122
00:07:57,487 --> 00:07:59,876
- Did they?
- Hm. Quite late back.
123
00:07:59,927 --> 00:08:01,918
- Good sign.
- He didn't come in.
124
00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:05,516
- Ah. Bad sign.
- Not much activity on the door step either.
125
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,798
- Do you talk like this behind my back?
- No.
126
00:08:08,847 --> 00:08:10,724
It's much juicier.
127
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:13,759
Oh, that'll be Alistair.
128
00:08:14,687 --> 00:08:19,317
Well, hello.
I just love that dress. I just love it.
129
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:21,722
Yes, that's Alistair.
130
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,361
What a wonderful way to start the day.
131
00:08:24,407 --> 00:08:28,400
Two beautiful women craving my attention.
132
00:08:28,447 --> 00:08:30,199
Morning, Alistair.
133
00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:33,444
Three beautiful women craving my attention.
134
00:08:33,487 --> 00:08:36,957
I'm not craving anything.
I just came in to collect my coffee.
135
00:08:37,007 --> 00:08:40,477
- I don't remember saying "craving".
- You said you wanted to see me.
136
00:08:40,527 --> 00:08:42,995
- I do.
- Same thing. What's the prob?
137
00:08:43,047 --> 00:08:47,404
Ah, "the prob" is Lionel.
He's worried about the book.
138
00:08:47,447 --> 00:08:49,085
Is it going to sell or not?
139
00:08:49,127 --> 00:08:52,642
- I'm publishing it.
- Yes but is it going to sell or not?
140
00:08:52,687 --> 00:08:56,123
Within reason.
Look, I can't make the public buy it
141
00:08:56,167 --> 00:09:01,002
but a bit of hype, a pick-me-up-and-buy-me
cover and who knows?
142
00:09:01,047 --> 00:09:04,835
This pick-me-up-and-buy-me cover.
Isn't it a photograph of Lionel?
143
00:09:04,887 --> 00:09:08,197
Of course. My Life In Kenya. He's the main man.
144
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:11,956
Does Lionel's face say,
"Pick me up and buy me"?
145
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:16,203
Well, we'll just have to improve it somehow.
146
00:09:17,727 --> 00:09:22,198
A photograph of Lionel
against a jungle background with a silly hat on?
147
00:09:22,247 --> 00:09:25,478
- That's just what Mum said.
- What will Lionel say?
148
00:09:25,527 --> 00:09:27,677
Something profane, I imagine.
149
00:09:27,727 --> 00:09:30,036
Did Alistair have any other bright ideas?
150
00:09:30,087 --> 00:09:34,444
Well, he waffled on a bit, you know. Kept using
words like "danger" and "excitement".
151
00:09:34,487 --> 00:09:37,206
There isn't going to be a lion as well, is there?
152
00:09:37,247 --> 00:09:43,516
I sincerely hope not. No, I think Alistair just
wants things to suggest danger and excitement.
153
00:09:43,567 --> 00:09:46,798
- Did he say anything else?
- Well, nothing specific,
154
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:50,760
but enough for Mum to think
that Lionel needs some... well, preparing.
155
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:54,038
- That's where she's gone.
- It won't be that awful, will it?
156
00:09:54,087 --> 00:09:59,081
It can't be awful. Alistair gets rich from selling
books. He must know what he's doing.
157
00:09:59,127 --> 00:10:01,004
It's all a matter of taste, I suppose.
158
00:10:01,047 --> 00:10:06,075
And Lionel's taste does not run
to wearing silly hats. Or a jungle background.
159
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:09,244
Or whatever else Alistair has in mind.
160
00:10:10,647 --> 00:10:13,161
- Oh, hello, Lionel.
- You made it sound urgent.
161
00:10:13,207 --> 00:10:16,722
Urgent? No. I made some sandwiches.
162
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,564
Oh.
163
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:27,760
- Shouldn't you be at work?
- That's not a very gracious thing to say.
164
00:10:27,807 --> 00:10:31,959
It's curiosity, really. You haven't taken
the day off just to give me sandwiches.
165
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,760
- Don't you like them?
- Yes, they're very nice.
166
00:10:34,807 --> 00:10:37,401
There's nothing like
a nice sandwich sometimes.
167
00:10:37,447 --> 00:10:41,804
Oh, true. I often think a nice sandwich
is the high spot of my life.
168
00:10:41,847 --> 00:10:44,042
That's a silly thing to say.
169
00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:48,443
- What did you really want to see me about?
- Ah.
170
00:10:48,487 --> 00:10:51,524
Well, I bumped into Alistair.
171
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:55,162
We got talking about this photograph of you
for the cover of the book.
172
00:10:55,207 --> 00:10:57,721
- I see.
- Don't say "I see" like that.
173
00:10:57,767 --> 00:10:59,723
I haven't told you what Alistair said.
174
00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:03,601
Don't bother with the peculiar words he uses.
Just give me a translation.
175
00:11:03,647 --> 00:11:07,959
Well, he said it needed something.
176
00:11:08,007 --> 00:11:09,725
What?
177
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,645
Well, "something" is what he kept saying.
178
00:11:12,687 --> 00:11:17,442
Unless you use all those words like pizzazz and
chutzpah which you claim not to understand.
179
00:11:17,487 --> 00:11:21,162
Pizzazz and chutzpah with me as the subject?
180
00:11:21,207 --> 00:11:23,357
Yes, it's not a natural connection.
181
00:11:23,407 --> 00:11:26,604
What has he got in mind?
Me lying naked on a pile of coffee beans?
182
00:11:26,647 --> 00:11:28,763
Oh, that's not very helpful.
183
00:11:28,807 --> 00:11:32,516
Well, he produces half-baked ideas
as fast as most people blink.
184
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:36,799
Well, it's his way. And a lot of good ideas
sound half-baked to begin with.
185
00:11:36,847 --> 00:11:39,315
- Like what?
- Well, like, er...
186
00:11:40,407 --> 00:11:41,396
...flying.
187
00:11:41,447 --> 00:11:44,803
Alistair doesn't claim to have invented
the aeroplane, does he?
188
00:11:44,847 --> 00:11:46,963
You know what I mean. Fishfingers.
189
00:11:48,087 --> 00:11:51,284
- Fishfingers?
- Yes, fish don't have fingers.
190
00:11:51,327 --> 00:11:53,557
Oh, really?
191
00:11:53,607 --> 00:11:57,043
So when somebody said,
"I know, let's call them fishfingers,"
192
00:11:57,087 --> 00:12:00,238
it may have sounded half-baked
but it was brilliant.
193
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:03,518
I've never met anybody
with fingers shaped like fishfingers.
194
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:05,523
Well, have you?
195
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:08,161
And actually they're just rectangles.
196
00:12:08,207 --> 00:12:11,438
So you'd have called them fish rectangles,
would you?
197
00:12:11,487 --> 00:12:14,479
That's pedantic and dull, which is what Alistair
doesn't want the cover to be.
198
00:12:14,527 --> 00:12:17,041
He wants it to say,
"Pick me up and buy me."
199
00:12:17,087 --> 00:12:21,683
- I could have that printed across my forehead.
- Now you're just being obstructive.
200
00:12:21,727 --> 00:12:23,957
- Well.
- You know, he sells books.
201
00:12:24,007 --> 00:12:27,238
- He must know what he's doing.
- I won't do anything ridiculous.
202
00:12:27,287 --> 00:12:30,836
He's not going to ask you to stand on your head
or pull funny faces, is he?
203
00:12:30,887 --> 00:12:34,323
I shall find out tomorrow.
He's set up a session in the studio.
204
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:37,006
Oh, now, you will cooperate.
205
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:39,277
I will not make a fool of myself.
206
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:44,036
Just bend a little, hm? It's for the book.
207
00:12:44,087 --> 00:12:46,078
It's to sell your book.
208
00:12:46,127 --> 00:12:48,687
- I'll cooperate.
- That's a good fella.
209
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,683
- Chutzpah.
- Bless you.
210
00:12:50,727 --> 00:12:52,604
What?
211
00:12:54,047 --> 00:12:57,483
- Why did she come back?
- She didn't come back until 3:00.
212
00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:02,317
That gave them three hours. Does it take
three hours to talk about a book cover?
213
00:13:02,367 --> 00:13:07,157
So your version is half an hour's talk
and two and a half hours of unbridled passion?
214
00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:11,598
Perhaps not unbridled.
They're getting on a bit to be unbridled.
215
00:13:11,647 --> 00:13:14,764
- You have got over him, haven't you?
- Oh, yes.
216
00:13:14,807 --> 00:13:18,880
- But he is sweet.
- Not a word I'd have thought of.
217
00:13:18,927 --> 00:13:23,045
- Pity Mum's not a sea otter.
- A sea otter? Why?
218
00:13:23,087 --> 00:13:25,043
You must have seen that programme.
219
00:13:25,087 --> 00:13:28,966
When sea otters make love,
they bite each other's noses.
220
00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:31,840
- What a funny thing to do.
- Yes, it is.
221
00:13:31,887 --> 00:13:35,926
But the point is, you can always tell
when a sea otter's made love.
222
00:13:35,967 --> 00:13:39,164
So you mean, if your mum had walked in
with a red nose...
223
00:13:39,207 --> 00:13:42,438
- Exactly.
- I'm glad it's not so obvious with people.
224
00:13:42,487 --> 00:13:44,478
So am I, actually.
225
00:13:46,207 --> 00:13:49,961
Well... his coat looks in good condition.
226
00:13:51,847 --> 00:13:54,998
- Hello, Lionel.
- Oh. Hello.
227
00:13:55,047 --> 00:13:58,642
- You going in?
- Erm... probably I was.
228
00:13:58,687 --> 00:14:00,598
In fact, I am.
229
00:14:01,487 --> 00:14:03,478
There.
230
00:14:05,487 --> 00:14:07,443
What are you looking at?
231
00:14:07,487 --> 00:14:11,446
No. Well, it would probably
have worn off by now, anyway.
232
00:14:15,847 --> 00:14:17,758
Yes, 3:00 would be fine.
233
00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:21,163
Absolutely. Oh, I'm sure we will.
234
00:14:21,207 --> 00:14:25,200
Yes, I'll look forward to seeing you. Right, bye.
235
00:14:25,247 --> 00:14:28,045
Prawns and mayonnaise on brown bread
and Lionel.
236
00:14:28,087 --> 00:14:29,486
- Oh.
- Hello.
237
00:14:29,527 --> 00:14:32,519
- Hello, Lionel.
- Have you got a thing about sandwiches?
238
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:34,523
No. Just eating.
239
00:14:36,647 --> 00:14:39,366
I'll have lunch with Sandy.
240
00:14:39,407 --> 00:14:41,398
Right.
241
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:44,245
Do sit down, Lionel. I won't be a minute.
242
00:14:46,607 --> 00:14:48,598
Now listen, you two.
243
00:14:48,647 --> 00:14:52,845
George Stillman is coming here this afternoon.
It's important that he likes us.
244
00:14:52,887 --> 00:14:56,880
It'll mean four or five secretaries
for three months. Understood?
245
00:14:56,927 --> 00:15:01,398
- How much does he have to like us?
- It's not a red-nose job, is it?
246
00:15:01,447 --> 00:15:04,405
- What?
- No, she's just being silly.
247
00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:08,440
It seems to me you're both being silly.
I'm talking about a good impression.
248
00:15:08,487 --> 00:15:11,206
- It is important.
- Yes, boss.
249
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:18,757
"Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher.
All is vanity."
250
00:15:18,807 --> 00:15:22,038
- Substitute anxiety and you've got it.
- Oh.
251
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,362
- This afternoon, is it?
- Yes.
252
00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:27,444
Me, Alistair, a photographer and chutzpah.
253
00:15:27,487 --> 00:15:29,682
Oh, you'll be all right.
254
00:15:29,727 --> 00:15:34,039
- I wondered if you'd like to come along.
- I'm afraid I can't.
255
00:15:34,087 --> 00:15:35,361
Oh.
256
00:15:35,407 --> 00:15:38,319
- I'd like to but I can't.
- Oh, that's fine.
257
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:42,076
- Would you like half my sandwich?
- No, thanks. It's best not to eat.
258
00:15:42,127 --> 00:15:45,039
I don't mean not at all. Just this afternoon.
259
00:15:45,087 --> 00:15:47,760
- You carry on.
- No, I can't. You're putting me off.
260
00:15:47,807 --> 00:15:51,083
- Oh, I am sorry.
- Well, it's the tension.
261
00:15:51,127 --> 00:15:54,119
- I can feel it like gamma rays.
- You can't feel gamma rays.
262
00:15:54,167 --> 00:15:58,445
- Oh, well, whatever.
- Oh, God, it's so silly, isn't it?
263
00:15:58,487 --> 00:16:01,797
I mean, I was shot at in the Korean War.
Actually shot at.
264
00:16:01,847 --> 00:16:04,122
It wasn't just the mule
that kicked you, then.
265
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:08,524
No. But this prancing around
in front of a camera.
266
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:12,082
- It's not prancing around.
- Well, posing, posturing.
267
00:16:12,127 --> 00:16:15,005
You've got cold feet.
268
00:16:16,047 --> 00:16:19,244
- Do you want some coffee?
- No, thanks.
269
00:16:19,287 --> 00:16:22,279
- No, thanks, Judy. I'll wait till later.
- Right.
270
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,477
- Is that all?
- Yes. Yes, that's all.
271
00:16:29,527 --> 00:16:33,679
- What's all that about?
- A vivid imagination, I expect.
272
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,917
You've got cold feet.
273
00:16:38,527 --> 00:16:41,439
Oh! Oh, she didn't...
274
00:16:41,487 --> 00:16:43,717
Yes, and I was late back yesterday.
275
00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:46,486
The French are reputed to make love
in the afternoon.
276
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:50,281
The French are reputed to do all sorts of things.
277
00:16:51,047 --> 00:16:54,039
- About these cold feet.
- Could we use another expression?
278
00:16:54,087 --> 00:16:57,238
Well, anxiety.
It's only having your photograph taken.
279
00:16:57,287 --> 00:16:59,562
I suddenly hate what I'm doing. I'm whingeing.
280
00:16:59,607 --> 00:17:02,440
I would come with you but I simply can't.
281
00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:06,196
- I shouldn't have asked you. It's pathetic.
- No, it isn't.
282
00:17:06,247 --> 00:17:10,206
You once asked me to watch you play rugby
for the Home Counties Brigade.
283
00:17:10,247 --> 00:17:12,158
Huh. So I did.
284
00:17:12,207 --> 00:17:17,998
Yeah, rather different case, though.
I asked you then because I wanted to show off.
285
00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:20,402
- Did you really?
- Yes.
286
00:17:20,447 --> 00:17:22,483
Youthful limbs, all of that.
287
00:17:22,527 --> 00:17:24,836
"That's my boyfriend," I thought.
288
00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:27,276
"Number seven on his back, brave as a lion."
289
00:17:27,327 --> 00:17:29,682
We got massacred by the Parachute Regiment.
290
00:17:29,727 --> 00:17:32,366
- Well, they were bigger than you.
- Yes.
291
00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:36,722
"Boyfriend"?
292
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:38,678
That's what you said in those days.
293
00:17:39,847 --> 00:17:43,635
- Anyway, I'm glad you came.
- So am I.
294
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,757
Right. I'm off.
295
00:17:48,127 --> 00:17:52,518
What are Alistair and a photographer
compared to the Parachute Regiment?
296
00:17:52,567 --> 00:17:55,240
Oh, good luck.
297
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,361
Here we are, mate.
298
00:18:03,407 --> 00:18:05,318
Wondersville.
299
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:07,437
Li, Oz, Oz, Li, Li, Lee, Lee, Li.
300
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,443
- Hi.
- Right.
301
00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:11,762
It's not Li. It's Lionel, actually.
302
00:18:11,807 --> 00:18:13,206
- Right.
- Hi.
303
00:18:13,247 --> 00:18:15,886
- So what do you reckon, mate?
- What is it?
304
00:18:15,927 --> 00:18:17,838
What is it? It's Kenya!
305
00:18:17,887 --> 00:18:21,357
It doesn't look like Kenya.
Looks like a set for a Tarzan film.
306
00:18:21,407 --> 00:18:26,435
Mate, make space in your head. This is what
most people want Kenya to look like.
307
00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:30,241
- Well, they must be idiots.
- They're your potential readers.
308
00:18:30,287 --> 00:18:32,403
How very encouraging.
309
00:18:32,447 --> 00:18:38,283
Mate, describe the Land of Oz to me.
310
00:18:38,327 --> 00:18:40,921
I don't know where he comes from.
311
00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:44,323
No, no, no. I mean Oz as in Wizard Of.
312
00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:46,756
Oh. Oh, I don't know.
313
00:18:46,807 --> 00:18:48,798
Oh, go on. Just for me.
314
00:18:48,847 --> 00:18:52,203
Well, er... those little red-roofed houses,
315
00:18:52,247 --> 00:18:55,523
big flowers and those obnoxious munchkins.
316
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,398
- Go on.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
317
00:18:57,447 --> 00:19:00,280
Bear with me, bear with me.
318
00:19:00,327 --> 00:19:04,764
Well, there was a Yellow Brick Road,
and I think it led to the Emerald City.
319
00:19:04,807 --> 00:19:07,958
Now tell me, have you ever been
to the Land of Oz?
320
00:19:08,007 --> 00:19:13,525
No, I understand you have to be rendered
unconscious by a storm in Kansas to get there.
321
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:17,116
So in fact nobody actually knows
what Oz looks like.
322
00:19:17,167 --> 00:19:19,920
The implication being that
nobody knows what Kenya looks like.
323
00:19:19,967 --> 00:19:23,926
Right. But this is what most of your readers
want it to look like.
324
00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:26,356
- Then they are idiots.
- We've done that one.
325
00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:29,046
Believe me, OK? Just trust me.
326
00:19:29,087 --> 00:19:31,396
OK. Er... let's burn rubber.
327
00:19:31,447 --> 00:19:33,597
Oz costs megabucks by the hour.
328
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:38,083
Does he? All right. Where do I stand?
329
00:19:38,127 --> 00:19:42,245
No! Lionel, not like that!
330
00:19:42,287 --> 00:19:44,118
Get into your costume first.
331
00:19:44,807 --> 00:19:46,604
Costume?
332
00:19:50,447 --> 00:19:53,723
- Twenty to three. Is that really the time?
- Yep.
333
00:19:55,287 --> 00:19:58,245
Oh, what the hell. He's only a client.
334
00:19:58,287 --> 00:20:02,724
- You don't get in a state about clients.
- I'm not getting into a state about a client.
335
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:06,316
I'm getting into a state about someone
who faced the Paras without flinching.
336
00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:10,679
Wild guess. Lionel. What about George Stillman?
337
00:20:10,727 --> 00:20:13,480
Well, you deal with him. And you.
338
00:20:13,527 --> 00:20:16,803
- Me? What if I can't?
- Oh, no problem, you're fired.
339
00:20:21,927 --> 00:20:24,043
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.
340
00:20:24,087 --> 00:20:26,885
- I will not wear the hat.
- Why?
341
00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:29,395
- I was a coffee planter, not a white hunter.
- Rifle.
342
00:20:29,447 --> 00:20:34,475
- Oh, that is superb.
- And I am most certainly not holding a rifle.
343
00:20:34,527 --> 00:20:38,042
- Come on, mate, you must have shot things.
- I grew coffee!
344
00:20:38,087 --> 00:20:42,046
With the greatest respect, Li,
coffee does not sell books.
345
00:20:42,087 --> 00:20:45,284
- But rifles and silly hats do?
- At least the hat's authentic.
346
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:50,196
- It says, "Made in Taiwan".
- It's bound to be authentic then.
347
00:20:50,247 --> 00:20:53,603
Look, what does the cover have to say?
348
00:20:53,647 --> 00:20:56,002
- "Pick me up and buy me."
- Right.
349
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:58,163
A hint of danger says that.
350
00:20:58,207 --> 00:21:00,960
A hint of adventure says that.
351
00:21:01,007 --> 00:21:03,726
A hint of sex says that.
352
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:06,679
- What hint of sex?
- Is it all right?
353
00:21:06,727 --> 00:21:10,402
Of course! Come on in and join the A team.
354
00:21:11,887 --> 00:21:14,242
- Jean, Oz, Oz, Jean.
- Hello.
355
00:21:14,287 --> 00:21:17,199
Lee, Jean, Jean, Lee. Lee Jeans.
356
00:21:17,247 --> 00:21:18,885
- Right.
- Right.
357
00:21:18,927 --> 00:21:21,885
Now, come over and talk some sense
into my main man.
358
00:21:21,927 --> 00:21:25,283
- I thought you couldn't come.
- Well, I discovered I could.
359
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:27,363
- I can always go again.
- No way, no way.
360
00:21:27,407 --> 00:21:29,557
Persuade, hm?
361
00:21:29,607 --> 00:21:33,043
Excuse me.
Now, where on earth has Patty got to?
362
00:21:33,087 --> 00:21:36,875
I don't like denying other people pleasure.
You can shriek with laughter.
363
00:21:36,927 --> 00:21:39,999
- Why should I?
- Well... Look at me.
364
00:21:40,047 --> 00:21:42,038
Look at this.
365
00:21:42,087 --> 00:21:44,555
- You look rather good, actually.
- Oh, do I?
366
00:21:44,607 --> 00:21:46,518
- Rather rugged.
- Rugged?
367
00:21:46,567 --> 00:21:49,684
- Yes.
- I didn't plant coffee looking like this.
368
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:53,322
- Call it artistic licence. "Pick me up..."
- "And buy me." Yes.
369
00:21:54,807 --> 00:21:59,562
- All right. Let's get it over with, Alistair.
- Great.
370
00:21:59,607 --> 00:22:02,167
Oh, come along, Patty love, do!
371
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:06,325
I chipped a nail, all right?
372
00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:08,722
- Hi.
- Hi.
373
00:22:11,487 --> 00:22:14,081
Li, Patty, Patty, Li.
374
00:22:14,127 --> 00:22:16,561
- Hi.
- Yes, hi.
375
00:22:19,887 --> 00:22:22,959
Alistair, may I have a word?
376
00:22:23,007 --> 00:22:26,158
- All right, who is she?
- Insurance, mate.
377
00:22:26,207 --> 00:22:28,243
- Who's she?
- Insurance.
378
00:22:28,287 --> 00:22:30,801
She's not selling policies, is she?
379
00:22:32,087 --> 00:22:35,284
No, no. "Pick me up and buy me."
380
00:22:35,327 --> 00:22:38,239
Danger, adventure, sex.
381
00:22:38,287 --> 00:22:39,686
She's the sex.
382
00:22:39,727 --> 00:22:42,366
She looks like all three if you ask me.
383
00:22:42,407 --> 00:22:45,604
- Who is she supposed to be?
- I'd have thought that was obvious.
384
00:22:45,647 --> 00:22:47,797
- Your woman.
- My woman?
385
00:22:47,847 --> 00:22:51,635
I never saw a woman looking like that in Kenya
in the whole of my life.
386
00:22:52,687 --> 00:22:54,837
Pretendo time, remember?
387
00:22:55,887 --> 00:22:59,926
- Well, it wasn't my idea.
- "Go along with it," you said.
388
00:22:59,967 --> 00:23:02,117
Well, go along with it.
389
00:23:02,167 --> 00:23:04,078
- Yes, all right.
- Great.
390
00:23:04,127 --> 00:23:07,358
Then I shall have myself committed
immediately afterwards.
391
00:23:07,407 --> 00:23:10,638
- Patty?
- Hold on a sec.
392
00:23:10,687 --> 00:23:15,203
Right. Rifle in the crook of the arm, I think.
393
00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:19,161
Hm. Hat a bit further forward.
394
00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:23,598
Monster.
395
00:23:23,647 --> 00:23:28,038
- Could he look a bit more determined?
- Can you look a bit more determined, Li?
396
00:23:28,087 --> 00:23:30,999
I shall think of killing you. That should do it.
397
00:23:31,047 --> 00:23:34,403
Whatever. Good for you, Oz?
398
00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:35,721
- Good for me.
- Right.
399
00:23:35,767 --> 00:23:37,962
OK, in you come, Patty. You know what to do.
400
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:44,362
What's she doing?
401
00:23:45,727 --> 00:23:48,116
What is she doing?
402
00:23:48,167 --> 00:23:51,045
You're laughing. You're laughing!
403
00:23:56,567 --> 00:23:59,206
Oh, and Beth phoned in. She's got the flu.
404
00:23:59,247 --> 00:24:01,238
Oh, terrific.
405
00:24:01,927 --> 00:24:04,487
- Hi.
- Hi.
406
00:24:05,007 --> 00:24:07,760
- Hi.
- How did it go?
407
00:24:07,807 --> 00:24:10,162
Well, it depends on one's point of view.
408
00:24:10,207 --> 00:24:15,042
- How did George Stillman go?
- Erm... quite quickly, I'm afraid.
409
00:24:15,087 --> 00:24:17,317
- No?
- Yes.
410
00:24:17,367 --> 00:24:19,881
He seemed quite offended
that you weren't here.
411
00:24:19,927 --> 00:24:24,682
He didn't actually say it, but I think it was
the dealing-with-bits-of-girls syndrome.
412
00:24:24,727 --> 00:24:27,002
So are we on the streets or what?
413
00:24:27,047 --> 00:24:30,562
Well, let's just say hanging by a thread.
414
00:24:30,607 --> 00:24:32,199
Thanks for waiting.
415
00:24:32,247 --> 00:24:34,886
The mood you were in,
there was no point in waiting.
416
00:24:34,927 --> 00:24:39,205
- I've never felt such a fool in all my life.
- That's because you were determined to.
417
00:24:39,247 --> 00:24:40,760
Retreat, I think.
418
00:24:40,807 --> 00:24:45,039
- I never should have listened to you.
- I didn't dream up your woman.
419
00:24:45,087 --> 00:24:49,683
The whole thing. You "bumped into" Alistair.
I should never have believed that.
420
00:24:49,727 --> 00:24:52,036
- Then you turned up.
- You asked me to!
421
00:24:52,087 --> 00:24:55,124
- Not to laugh at me.
- Oh, don't be so precious.
422
00:24:55,167 --> 00:24:58,523
We're too old not to think it
laughable and ridiculous.
423
00:24:58,567 --> 00:25:01,957
But selling this book or not
is in the hands of the young.
424
00:25:02,007 --> 00:25:04,077
- Children.
- Successful children.
425
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:06,766
I thought you might like some tea.
426
00:25:06,807 --> 00:25:09,480
Yes, I have been listening at the door.
427
00:25:09,527 --> 00:25:12,280
And you are an ungrateful old bugger.
428
00:25:12,327 --> 00:25:15,717
She won't tell you.
She's as stiff-necked as you are. But I will.
429
00:25:15,767 --> 00:25:20,966
Mum just lost several thousand pounds' worth
of business to come and prop up your ego.
430
00:25:24,127 --> 00:25:27,039
- Why would you do that?
- Well, because I care.
431
00:25:27,087 --> 00:25:30,477
There is room in your life
for someone who cares, is there?
432
00:25:30,527 --> 00:25:33,803
- You did laugh.
- Oh, shut up and have some tea.
433
00:25:34,807 --> 00:25:37,640
No chance of that being brandy, I suppose.
434
00:25:37,687 --> 00:25:40,440
None whatsoever.
435
00:25:48,167 --> 00:25:50,886
# You must remember this
436
00:25:50,927 --> 00:25:53,487
# A kiss is still a kiss
437
00:25:53,527 --> 00:25:56,917
# A sigh is just a sigh
438
00:25:58,887 --> 00:26:02,641
# The fundamental things apply
439
00:26:02,687 --> 00:26:06,441
# As time goes by
440
00:26:09,887 --> 00:26:12,447
# And when two lovers woo
441
00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:15,240
# They still say I love you
442
00:26:15,287 --> 00:26:18,199
# On that you can rely
443
00:26:20,807 --> 00:26:25,164
# The world will always welcome lovers
444
00:26:26,447 --> 00:26:34,400
# As time goes by #
445
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:45,400
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