Original subtitles

Bye. Bye.

Thank you.

And God,

and God, God will be kind.

And God, and God, God will be kind.

And God, and God, God will be kind. And God,

and God, God will be kind.

Welcome to another edition of Lifestyles of the Average and Ancients.

We move about the apartment of Peter Mitchell, young architect about sound.

It's his late 30s, or is it his early 40s, we'll never know.

The public wants to know what an attractive, witty, successful woman sees

bozo like my roommate.

Well, he's charming and he's sweet and he's very thoughtful.

He's sort of boyishly handsome, but he has got the most

amazing... Thank you, Rebecca!

You're welcome, Michael.

So, Peter, tell me, are you and Rebecca still exclusive?

Me and Rebecca? Yeah.

No, we both see other people. Oh, really? Yeah, a lot.

Oh, that's nice to know. Bye, Vanessa.

Bye.

Hey, where did they go?

Oh, hi, Adam.

Rebecca's looking sexier than ever. Yeah.

You two still together?

Oh, yeah. Me and Rebecca for five years now. Hi. Oh.

Ben, be old. No, don't say that. Real old.

I think one of them is a senator now. A real old senator.

A real old senator.

Can I talk to you for a minute? Paul, I'm serious. I'm not doing commercials

anymore. Really, no more talking T -bones or cowboys with heartburn. I'm

doing serious stuff now.

Hi, boy.

Jack. Angela.

You look different. What happened?

I'm dry.

That's it.

In a generic sense. Right.

Oh, my.

So many women.

So little time.

So dead.

Yeah, what's up? You're not really going to do this movie in Turkey, are you?

Yes. Yes, I am. Matter of fact, I leave in a few short hours here.

What is it?

Salmon the beautician?

Barbarian. Salmon the barbarian. I hate it when you say that.

Okay, what about the...

Hey, how's it going, baby?

Name's Johnny. Give me five.

Oh, I mean, give me three.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe you draw Johnny cool.

Coolest cat in the world, right?

No one cooler, baby.

I can't believe it. Makes me so happy.

What's wrong?

David. The guy you broke up with?

The good -looking one.

Incredibly good -looking. He used to treat me Johnny cool every morning over

breakfast.

Hey.

You know how to get over a lover?

Dance with a stranger.

David's an incredible dancer.

He's done it for three years with the Joffrey Ballet.

Three years?

Joffrey Ballet?

I think you guys are going to get back together.

You think that I can call him up and invite him to the party?

Win.

There it is.

Yeah.

Arguably one of the best clutch shots of all time.

Forget the guys playing today. Nobody played this game better than Reed, West,

Chamberlain, Baylor.

I'll run it for you again in slow motion.

People are asking for you. Come on, let's go mingle.

I hate that word. It sounds like something sea lions do before they

are the guest of honor and they love you.

Of course they do, but these guys need me in here. Don't you need me in here?

need your money.

Wait, there it is.

Undoubtedly the greatest clutch shot in basketball history in slow motion.

Arguably best.

Oh, Paul, Paul, wait, wait, listen. You are my friend.

You're a great director, but I am not doing commercials ever again. Jack, I

don't want you to do a commercial. I need a favor.

Oh, yeah, all right, shoot.

I'm having a package delivered tomorrow.

I won't be home to get it. I got to go up to San Francisco all week on a

commercial shoot.

You're going to shoot in San Francisco? Yeah.

Who are you using?

Oh, Len Peters.

Lenny. Lenny.

What's wrong? Is it like my last dog food commercial?

Oh, Jack, that was a classic.

But now, look, I was hoping that I could have this package delivered here

instead. Sure, no problem. No problem.

Listen, let me ask you something.

Do you think I'm overexposed?

Overexposed? Oh, no, Jack, not at all.

Now, look, it'll be delivered tomorrow and picked up by a couple of guys on

Thursday morning. That's all there is to it.

All right, tomorrow I'll pick up Thursday. Okay, but this is a very

matter, Jack, so don't mention it to anybody, all right? All right, all

Delicate.

And Michael and Rebecca for embarrassing me with this unending flow of

sentiment.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah, all right, all right.

I think everybody had a great time.

Don't you?

I sure did.

Why don't you stick around?

I thought sentiment made you uncomfortable.

I can handle it.

As long as it's disguised as sex.

So stay tonight.

I have to be up at seven for a pre -trial meeting.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, Peter.

Yeah, right.

It was a great party.

You know, in this life, you're kind of ugly.

Isn't that about the million for you? Getting out of hand.

Out of hand.

How come that always happens to you? What?

Well, as soon as you get a woman into your room, you turn into her big brother

and start solving her problems. Well, unlike yourself and our sexually

insatiable roommate, I happen to be a sensitive guy, and I have more on my

than simply pronging chicks.

Hey, guys.

Hey, what's a good year for pronging chicks?

The 82 Bordeaux on the left works every time. Thank you very much.

What happened here? Somebody die?

Rebecca left early.

Michael saved another doomed relationship.

Post -party depression.

Listen, you guys. You know, I'm out of here tomorrow for ten weeks.

What do you say I get rid of Cherie?

No, no. The three of us hunker down here with a bottle of wine and shoot some

pool. I got a better idea.

Why don't you two guys hunker down and shoot some pool?

No, no, no. Why don't you just go and have a good time?

Yeah, enjoy yourself.

Oh, God, it's a tough job. It's got to be done.

He's unbelievable.

The man has one giant gland.

Jack? Jack?

He left our atri.

I think he took my move.

That's our boy.

Thanks, Peter.

See you around.

Yeah.

you guys something back from Turkey if you could. Maybe a drumstick or

something. See you later. Bye -bye.

Hi,

Harry.

Michael, get out of here.

What is it? Just get out of here.

Yeah.

What's going on?

I don't know what's going on.

Oh, okay. Just look out in the hall.

Yeah? Just look out in the hall.

Okay.

That's a baby. Oh, I know it's a baby.

What's it doing there?

It's sleeping.

Oh, okay.

Who do you suppose it belongs to?

Oh, Peter, there's a little note.

All right, I'll just go in.

Okay, lay along.

Here, Jack, here is our baby.

Oh, no.

You really don't know anything about this. I knew it.

I knew it. I knew this was going to happen to him sooner or later.

I can't handle this now. I don't know where else to turn. Mm -hmm, right.

Someday I hope you can both forgive me. Unbelievable.

Her name is Mary. I'm Sylvia. Who's Sylvia? How am I supposed to know? You

to be a social secretary to keep track of all those women.

He left a message about a package he said would be delivered today. He said

put it aside not to worry about it. He said that about a baby? I'd say he takes

his procreation business a little lightly.

So what are we supposed to do about this?

Pick it up.

You pick it up?

I'm not picking it up. You found it.

Look, we've got to do something. One of us has to pick it up. Well, it's not

going to be me.

I'll take care of babies. Neither do I.

Look, we've got to do something.

Be my guest.

Hey, it's not my responsibility.

It's not mine either. Don't yell at me, Peter.

Well, that can't be that difficult.

All we've got to do is feed it. It'll shut up.

Well, I don't know what babies eat.

Doctor.

I mean, we were babies once, for God's sake. What did we eat? I don't know. It

couldn't have been very good. I can't remember.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm going to the market to get some baby food. We can't feed it birthday cake

and goat cheese. So what am I supposed to do? Entertain it.

Entertain it.

Entertain it.

How do you entertain a baby?

Hey, Junior.

Hey, look.

Look at my hand. Hey, hey.

Look at this. Look at this. Oh, it's a glass. It's a prism. Whoa, look at those

colors, huh?

This is nice stuff, huh? This is expensive. You don't like this.

Huh? Well, how about, uh, oh, oh, look, it's almost like, uh, look, Japanese

origami, almost with a hand. Oh, oh, oh, it's a bird, it's a bird.

No, huh?

Oh,

I'm getting a headache. You're giving me a headache.

Uh, how about, uh, how about this? How about this? Look at this. Look at a

chest. You like that?

You like that? You want one of these?

Excuse me.

Uh, where could I get a jar of baby food?

They gotta be kidding.

What's happening, baby?

How you doing today, huh?

My name is Johnny.

That's right, that's right. But you can call me Mr. Cool. You know what I'm

saying? Hey, what's your name, huh?

Haven't I seen you around the neighborhood? Come on, baby. Wait,

matter? Can I cut your tongue? Why can't you talk?

Huh? Huh?

Come on, kid.

Laugh it up. I'm doing my best.

Excuse me.

Is this a good meal for a baby?

That's for toddlers.

A toddler? What's a toddler?

A year and a half. Two years? No, no. I need something for a baby. This is your

first. First what?

Baby.

Yeah, first and the last.

No matter how much you prepare, you're never quite ready for them, are you? No,

you're not.

Did you know that what an infant eats in its first 12 months can determine its

entire psychological and physical future? That's fascinating, but all I

some food. Just some food, that's all.

Edna, what's the best -selling brand? Oh, that white can over there. Great.

This is the best, then? No, it's the cheapest. That's why it sells the most.

How about this one? Oh, that's good.

Good. But it's got iron in it. Isn't that bad?

It is if your baby's allergic to it. How do you know if she's allergic to it?

They throw up all over you. Of course, they throw up all over you, even if

they're not allergic to it, too.

Some babies can't hold anything down for more than a minute.

What about this one?

That's for older babies.

How old's your baby?

About that old.

You don't know how old your baby is? Yes, I do. I know how old my baby is. Is

she teething?

Teething? Well, you know, does she cry all night?

Does she chew on her fist and drool a lot? All right, I'll take three of

and I'll take some of these.

And thanks very much for your time, Edna.

You've been a source of great stress.

Don't forget, if the baby's less than three months old, you've got to

the nipples.

Here I come.

Hey,

hey. Hey, look.

I'll give you ten bucks if you stop crying, huh?

Ten bucks, huh? You like that?

I'm going to pick you up now, huh?

There you go, Junior.

There you go.

Is that better?

No, huh?

All right. Well, how about a little walk, huh? How about a little walk?

Wait a minute. Here you go.

Here we go.

Okay.

Maybe you can... Yeah, we'll sit down here and... Oh, look. Look, we're going

watch a little TV.

Yeah, yeah. We'll watch a little TV. Just you and me, huh?

Here you go.

Here you go.

Amuse yourself.

Women are wondering, are they having an orgasm?

Men are worried, maybe their penis is not... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no. You don't want to hear that.

No, no, no, no.

Okay. We're going to have a nice conversation with Uncle Peter.

And let him have some fun now, yeah?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

What the hell are you thinking?

Oh. Hi,

Mrs. Mitchell.

Oh, what a darling little baby. Yeah. Is it yours? No, no, no, it's not mine.

Mr. Mitchell. No, no, no, no.

Someone's got a loan to turn.

We've been watching her for a while.

We've had a tough morning, and we're all tuckered out. We've been drooling, so

we're going to just say goodbye, okay? Bye -bye, Ms. Hathaway. Bye -bye.

Yeah.

By the way, this package just arrived for you downstairs.

All right, great, great. Thanks, Ms. Hathaway. Good eye -holder for just a

minute. Oh, I don't think so. She doesn't really... I just love babies.

Oh, yes.

I just love babies.

Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I were never able to have any of our own. Mr.

Hathaway has a low sperm count.

Well, some guys have all the luck.

Oh, oh.

You are a cute little bundle, aren't you?

You do realize she did a doodle?

Yes, you did.

Would you like me to give you a hand in changing her?

No. No, no, no. I can do it. I'm used to it. I'm used to it.

Well, thanks a lot, Ms. Hathaway. We've got to go now.

All right, so we're going to say bye -bye now. All right, bye -bye.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye, Mary.

Bye -bye, Mary. Bye -bye. Okay, bye.

Of course, if you ever need anyone to babysit.

All right, yeah? All right, thanks. Thanks a lot. She's a lovely baby. Yeah,

adorable.

Where the hell is this baby? I've been trying to find it since you left, and

did a doodle. A doodle? What the hell's that?

No, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Well, you're going to know, pal,

because she did it. But she's on the back.

I have you go to three different places, buy four different kinds of formula,

two different kinds of diaper, bottle, towel, nipple.

You have no idea how much class these kids need.

How old is she, anyway?

What should I know? Do you want me to check the driver's license? Feel her

teeth. What?

Just feel her teeth. The druggist said that you can tell how old she is by

feeling her teeth. Well, I'm not feeling her teeth. You feel her teeth. I'm

tired of holding her anyway. Here.

No. No, I can't hold her and make her bottle up the same. All right. I'll hold

her. You check for the teeth, okay?

Come on.

All right.

I can't feel anything.

What do you think that means? It means she doesn't have anything to see. Well,

neither did Gabby Hayes when he was 90. So what?

All right. Then we'll give her the stuff for newborns. Hope she's not allergic

to it. You have no idea how much stuff these kids can be allergic to. What's

that stench?

Michael, hold her.

Just hold her. That's it.

Wait a minute, Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this? Michael, just

hold her, will you? That's right. Get the diaper off.

Oh!

How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting? Oh,

beat the shit out of me. Here, give me the other diaper. There, take it off.

Wait a minute, shouldn't we wash her first?

We'll wash her later.

Well, give me the cotton. Give me the cotton. Oh!

Michael, just give me a little cotton. I don't need a package. I just need some

cotton. No, wait. The wipeys. Give me the cotton wipeys.

Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over.

It's sticky.

We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get it off.

How about after shave?

Oh, come on, Michael. Just give me one of the diapers.

No, these tape things go in the front or the back. Well, how am I supposed to

know?

There. Whoa!

These diapers are way too big. What size did you get? They're ultra -absorbent.

The more absorbent, the better, if you ask me.

Will you hold it for a minute? The kid's going crazy. I don't want to. Come on,

Michael. Don't pull that so hard. It's going to rip. I'm not going to rip it.

Yes, you are.

All right, well, okay. Get me another diaper. I'll use the tape.

I'll use the tape from the diaper. I'll tape it up. I'm an architect, for

Christ's sake.

I build 50 -story skyscrapers. I assemble cities of the future. I can

put together a goddamn diaper.

Take it easy, kid.

All right?

There.

There, see?

It's working.

It's a cake.

There. Yeah.

Nice job, Pete.

The little insect was just waiting for that diaper to fall off.

I think we're in trouble.

That's the deal.

Michael. What? You're going to have to wash where the poop was. Now, come on.

All right. Come on.

No, now, just... It's not getting anything off that way.

There.

There you go.

It's clean. Isn't that clean?

And then put it in a private... A rinser. All right. Rinse it out a little

There we go. Okay.

This is... This is for moisturizing and... Don't use the baby lotion now.

It says prevent chapping and chafing.

Put some in there anyway.

Make sure she's not...

Gotta get some help.

Jack said that this is a delicate situation that we shouldn't tell

Can you believe him?

Putting us through hell to save his precious reputation.

I'm not doing it anymore.

You're going to have a headache. Try sleeping nice, Peter.

Anyway, let me help him.

Come on, I'm later than usual this week to the deadline.

Come here.

Actually, Sam, I don't seem to have them here after all. I must have left them

at the office, but I'll get them first thing in the morning.

Right.

Daddy's a dead man.

Rebecca, you're... Yeah, I came as soon as I got your messages.

What's the emergency? Who are you?

John. This is John.

This is Peter. Pleasure to meet you. How do you do? Come on.

John is a cellist from Hungary.

He's playing with the Bratislava Baroque Ensemble at Carnegie Hall. What a grown

-up.

Peter, what's the emergency?

Just come with me.

This is the big emergency.

It's a baby. Why is that the first thing everybody says? It's a baby. Of course

it's a baby. It's your baby. No.

It's not my baby. It's Jack's baby.

Jack has a baby? I realize such a concept tends to negate our belief in a

benevolent God, but yes.

He doesn't look like Jack. Jack's got more hair.

I'm glad you can joke at a time like this. She needs to be held.

Babies like to be held.

Where is he?

Jack? Oh, Jack's in Turkey, which is where I'd be if my baby was in New York.

Now, look, Rebecca, we're dying here.

Michael doesn't know anything about babies. I don't know anything about

On top of that...

I got deadlines hanging all over me. I've been reading these books about

I can't figure it out. For instance, it says here, look, feed every two hours.

Well, it takes me two hours to get her to eat anything. So does it mean feed

every two hours from when I start or every two hours from when I finish?

I've been feeding her every two hours from when I start, and I'm feeding her

the time.

So which is it?

Why are you asking me?

Because you're a woman.

Yeah, that doesn't mean I automatically know what to do with babies.

Rebecca, now... Please, stay with me and help me take care of her.

You want me to take care of her?

Yes. Now?

No, when she graduates from college, yes, now.

I can't do that, Peter.

Babies take very, very much work, eh?

Thank you for telling me that, Jan. I didn't know that. What is he, an idiot

savant? Rebecca, we'd be late.

Rebecca, no, no.

Rebecca, please.

Stay with me.

I have got a date.

Oh? Mm -hmm.

Oh, excuse me for cramping your romantic style.

Rebecca, we be late, huh?

You can't be serious about this guy.

Oh, come on, Peter. You go out with other people, and so do I. We agreed to

that. You can go out with a whole damn string section for all I care. That's

the issue right now. I need you here. Oh, I can't be here now.

She doodled.

Doodled?

Yes! Doodled! What's the matter? Don't babies doodle in Hungary? We're leaving.

Rebecca!

Now wait.

Come on, Rebecca, please.

Don't go.

Peter, you're a very big boy. You're very capable. And you're going to get

through this just fine.

I hate the cello.

Don't.

I keep waiting for candid camera to walk through the door.

What'd you cancel for tonight?

Foxy to Che.

You?

Dinner with Cheryl.

Two more days.

Where'd you put the baby powder?

Get it.

What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here. You should have

brought it in with her bath stuff.

It was just out in the hall.

Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we? Well, maybe we should start,

God damn it.

You're going to clean that up.

What time are those guys supposed to get here?

Jack's message said before noon. Good. I've got to see my editor about one.

Michael, did you move my blueprints? I need them for my meeting this afternoon.

I think she did a doodle. Your turn to change her.

I'll give you $1 ,000 if you'll do it.

Check this out.

Coming!

Coming!

Does Jack Holden live here? Yeah.

Someone asked us to pick up a package.

A package?

I love the way everybody keeps calling it a package.

You can tell Sylvia for us that she's got a lot of nerve dumping her problems

our laps.

Who's Sylvia? When it first got here, we considered calling the cops. But we

didn't. We stuck it out. Even though it totally disrupted our lives. No, you

wait. Hey, we haven't been able to work or to sleep.

And there's been shit all over this place for days. Shit?

What? You mean the package?

Busted? Busted?

Yeah. Yeah, you could say that. Well, did you put the shit back?

Put it back? No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did?

Our next bottle's in 45 minutes. I made it up already. It's in the basket.

It's a baby.

You're sharp, aren't you? He's all right, huh? 20 minutes after she eats,

gets tired. Put her to bed.

I'm getting you a can of powdered milk.

Oh, yeah.

Right, powdered milk, right?

Yeah, powdered milk.

So, all right, so we'll take the powdered milk and we'll get out of here.

What,

you want us to take the baby?

That was the arrangement.

Are you sure that's the plan?

You're damn straight.

Well, if you say so.

Let's go.

You won't forget what we said.

No. And she likes to be rocked to sleep.

Gently.

Gently, absolutely.

Gently, I can handle it.

Maybe you should leave a phone number in case you need some advice.

Oh, I'll call you.

Do you hear that, Peter?

Just listen.

Isn't it wonderful?

Isn't what wonderful?

Quiet.

Peace and quiet.

There's something screwy going on, Michael. I got a funny feeling.

What are you talking about? You've been tense the last five days.

Just your nerves unwinding.

Maybe you're right.

Michael. Michael.

What is it?

Package. When did it get here?

Sunday.

At the way... Go to the window.

Stop. I got to try and catch up.

Hi. Hello.

Yeah, you're beautiful.

Want to go for a ride?

Hey! Hey, up here!

Where am I going to put this little baby? Ride it on your lap.

I need a little baby car seat, I think.

Put it in the trunk.

Yeah, you want to go for a ride in the car in the trunk?

Huh? Want to go in the trunk?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

You want to try this? It's an adventure.

Why am I listening to you? Why do I listen to you? I mean, this is absurd. I

can't put a little baby in the trunk.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, this is wonderful.

Look, I gave you the wrong package.

What for? I made a terrible mistake. I gave you the wrong package. Look, I

got... Give me the baby first. Give me the baby first.

Be gentle.

You're disturbing the baby.

Give me the baby first.

Give me the baby.

I keep him chained to the wall. I feed him raw meat. Hey, what's going on here?

I said,

what's going on here?

Nothing, officer. You gonna ride with that kid in the trunk?

No, of course not. That's absurd. I mean, it's unhealthy for the child, and

illegal also. No, he's not, officer. Give me the baby.

Let me see your license and registration.

Why? Why?

Because you're double -pocked, wise guy.

Oh, why? All right. Wait a minute. Just be gentle. Be gentle.

Be gentle.

Hey. One second, officer. I'll be right with you.

Hey,

come back here, you freak!

I have no intention of moving, officer.

I'm not a criminal. I'm an architect.

With a baby, see?

Let me see some ID.

Oh, yes.

I don't have any with me.

Up against the car. Spread them.

Officer, look.

My wallet's up in my apartment. It's right up there. You can come up with me.

You're welcome to.

I'll show you some ID.

But I'm not going to spread them because I have a baby, as you can plainly see.

All right, architect. Let's go.

Can I get you a cup of coffee or something?

No, thanks. I'll just wait here by the door.

Michael, I'll just be a second.

Come with me, Michael.

Here we go. I'm coming.

Frogs!

Coming.

Do something with it.

Hide it. I've got to show him some ID.

I'm coming.

Sorry to keep you waiting. There you are.

Would you mind removing that from the cover, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming up, officer. I hope it hasn't been an inconvenience.

And if there's anything else I can do for you, just let me know.

I'll just do my job.

Hi.

I'm Detective Sergeant Malkowitz, narcotic.

Officer, you can go down and saddle up now.

Yes, sir. I'll handle this.

Aren't you going to ask me in?

Can I get you a cup of coffee, some water, a beer?

No, no, no. I'm fine.

You don't mind me asking a few questions, do you?

No, not at all.

Is that your baby I saw you with downstairs?

No, not one.

My roommate, Jack.

Who were those two men I saw you talking to?

Friends?

Of the mother's. They were going to take her for a ride.

The baby.

Baby, not the mother. But they couldn't see because they brought the wrong car.

There's no baby seat.

Do you mind if I have a look at that baby?

I just love little babies.

She's sleeping.

Sounds like she's awake to me.

Do you mind if I see her?

I don't know. You know, she doesn't really like strangers.

She may not be decent. Oh, I don't think she'll mind.

Well, there she is.

And she's got a friend.

Oh, this is my other roommate, Detective Malkiewicz. This is Michael Kellan.

Hello. Oh, what a cutie.

Do you mind if I hold her? I just love kids.

Well, I'd rather not, actually. Go ahead, Michael. It won't hurt her.

Well, you know how she is around people, Peter.

Michael, will you let him hold her?

He's not going to hurt her. He's a police officer.

All right.

You're a heavy little girl.

She really is heavy, isn't she? She's a good eater.

Yeah, it's a good sign. It means she won't grow up to be a nervous adult.

You've got nothing to be nervous about, have you, sweetie?

Feels as though she's ready for a change.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you know babies.

All they do is eat, sleep, and poop. Good idea.

Oh, what a cute little baby.

Do you happen to know where her father is at the moment? No.

He's on location doing a TV movie, but I don't have any idea where... Do you

know this guy?

Oh, not very well. He's a friend of Jack's.

I don't remember his name.

His name's Paul Milner.

He directs TV commercials.

And on the side, he just happens to dabble in a little heroin smuggling.

Really?

I don't know him. I'd appreciate that glass of water now, Mr. Mitchell.

Of course. No problem.

Thank you.

And Jack. We're out playing, and we can't come to the phone.

Shit!

Hold on. Whoever it is, I'm here.

Peter, Jack.

Yeah, how are you?

Listen, I got a message saying you're trying to get through to me. What's up?

Jack, Michael and I really have to talk to you, but you called us at a bad time.

We'll call back later. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't hang up.

calling from Turkey.

It took me an hour to put this call through. It's not an easy place to phone

from, you know.

Hey, Peter, this place... It's amazing.

You will not believe some of the stuff I bought for you guys. Jack.

I mean, this shit is so cheap here.

I probably bought too much of it, but what the hell, I can always smuggle it

Just kidding.

Jack, thanks for calling.

And we'll see you when you get back.

I've got to get him a glass of water.

So his mouth doesn't go dry when he reads me my rights.

Here you are, Sergeant.

Oh, thanks.

Bye.

Nice talking to you.

It was very illuminating.

He heard the phone call. We're dead.

You think Jack's involved in this? I don't know.

We gotta talk to Paul Milner.

Why him? Because he is involved.

Couldn't you think of somewhere better to hide the drug? Hey, it was perfect

until you insisted that he hold the baby.

You're right, Michael. I'm sorry.

Where'd you put him now? In the garbage pail under the other dirty diapers.

Nobody's gonna look for it there.

You realize we're in trouble with this cop.

You realize, of course, that no one's coming back to get this kid.

Jesus, you're right.

We're stuck with her until Jack gets back.

They're connected.

I'm late.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. So am I. Oh, damn it.

Mr. Callum?

Mr. Mitchell?

Hello, Mrs. Hathaway.

Oh. Mr. Mitchell, it seems that a horse has befouled the front walk. Do you know

anything about it?

Mrs. Hathaway, how nice to see you.

Really nice to see you.

She can sit till five. I'll try and hurry. Me too, I'm worried.

I got the one with the mustache.

I'll call Sergeant Malkowitz and tell him we're moving.

There you go, pal.

What can I do for you? I'd like Sports Illustrated, Popular Science, some of

this gum, and that giraffe up there.

Which one's the giraffe?

The rubber one.

That's not a giraffe.

That's a dinosaur.

Whatever. You mean the one with the little polka dots up there?

That's a dinosaur.

Hey,

what about your change?

What about your change, pal?

I don't know.

Mary?

Oh, my God.

Mary?

Mary?

Mary?

Mary? Mary?

Mary?

Mary?

Everything's fine.

Don't you worry.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.

No, it's okay.

Peter! Peter!

She's okay.

She's not hurt.

How are you?

I'm fine. Just fine.

See what those bastards did to my videotapes?

Got a message.

What'd it say?

Next time we'll take the baby.

It's okay.

It's okay. Mr. Kellum?

Mr. Mitchell?

The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook that sent the challenger

into the ropes.

Smith, his left eye swollen and the cut above his right eye now much more

bloody.

countered with a barrage of vicious body blows.

What are you reading her?

It doesn't matter what I read.

It's the tone you use.

She doesn't understand the words anyway. Now, where were we? The champ began the

fifth round like a man possessed, going straight for his

opponent's body with ferocious energy.

What is it with you guys? We should

be asking you that question.

Why? What'd I do? What the hell are you doing back so soon anyway?

My part got cut, okay?

Good. What is with him?

Look at this place. Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on

around here?

Ah, shit.

What was that?

No, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on. We'll be glad

It really hurt, Peter.

Sunday morning, I come back from jogging to find this basket with this baby in

it. waiting in the vestibule. What? Inside is a little note from a Sylvia

that the baby was yours and she was leaving it here for you to deal with.

Then along comes another little package with your name on it, only this time the

package has heroin in it and the narcotics squad permanently camped

knows all about it. The cops?

I don't believe this. I don't know anything about any drugs or any police.

I thought I was just doing a favor for Paul. I didn't know it was in that

package.

I certainly don't know anything about that baby. I mean, for God's sake,

somebody drops a baby off on your doorstep and you automatically assume

mine?

Look, the child doesn't look anything like me.

I'm bigger and I have more hair.

Dear Jack, here is our baby.

I can't handle this now. I don't know where else to turn it.

Sylvia.

Oh, my God.

Stratford, a year and a half... A year and a half ago.

I was doing Taming of the Shrew. She was the shrew.

I mean, I did some of my best work in that.

I got great reviews.

Jack, you're such a jerk.

You're always thinking about yourself. I want to kill you. Michael, we won't

have to.

Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys. You can't be sure that this is my

kid. Um...

What the hell am I supposed to do with it?

We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid, and now it's

turn.

Okay. All right.

All right, fine.

All right.

Until I straighten this mess out, I'll, uh... I'll take care of her. I mean,

sure, why not?

I'm an actor. I can, uh... I can do a father.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. What can be so difficult, huh?

Good night, Jack. Good night, Jack. Good night. Good night.

Oh, down we go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's the matter with her?

Good night, Jack.

Hold still,

kid. Hey, how do you put on these goddamn things anyway?

Figure it out for yourself, dickhead.

What are you guys feeding her, huh?

Oh, no, no, please. None of the silk sheets. None of the silk sheets. Please,

please. Maybe I should show him how to put on the diaper.

Oh, no.

I don't agree.

It's my name.

Oh, come on, baby.

No.

Give him another half hour.

Let him suffer.

Yes, yes, I'm trying to reach Paul Milner.

He was supposed to be in San Francisco, but I can't find him. Would you please?

Tell him to call Jack Holden as soon as he gets in.

It's urgent.

Yeah, urgent's an understatement.

Lady.

I don't know why I'm giving you this. It just goes right through you.

Did you get a hold of your friend? No.

Don't forget to bolt the door.

I won't.

And remember, there's a quarter of a million dollars in heroin in that diaper

pail. And the new baby wipes are in the cabinet. Right.

Heroin's in the diaper pail.

Baby wipes are in the cabinet.

Where else would they be?

I can't believe this.

You're kidding me.

32 Benningtons in the London area?

I'll get back to you.

I tried your mommy. Maybe I should, uh... Maybe I should try mine, huh?

Yeah.

Mom?

Well, where is she?

Oh, Mom, waiting to see her. Oh, you won't believe this.

She is so beautiful. She looks just like you.

You know, you boys live like pigs. Oh, Mom.

Look, it's up there.

Isn't she beautiful? There she is.

I'm going to pick you right up.

Yes, I'm going to pick you up. Oh, I'm in awe. I mean, look at you. You pick

up like a pro.

I pick her up like a grandmother.

It's called experience.

Darling, let's see you.

Oh, she's so lovely.

What's her name? Mary.

Mary.

There I had her laughing. Yeah, just like me, huh?

Don't ruin this for me, Jack.

She adores you.

She knows that you're her grandmother. It's like a biological thing, an instant

connection. Cut the crap, Jack. What do you want?

Mom, I can't take care of her.

I don't know what to do.

I was kind of hoping that maybe you could take her just for a little while,

forever, you know, until she's ready to vote.

Oh, I would love to.

Do you know, Jack, some people live all their lives without having anything as

wonderful as this to show for it? I know, Mom.

So I'm going to do the most wonderful thing in the world for you.

Absolutely nothing.

Why?

Jack, you've always run away from responsibility.

Now you have to turn and face it.

Mom, I'm a screw -up. You were a screw -up. Now you're a father.

And you'll be a fine one.

You think so?

I know it.

Your father?

God rest his soul, he was a screw -up.

And he turned out just fine.

Really?

Don't you remember?

Well, yeah, I guess.

Now, give me a kiss.

Mary, give me a kiss.

And now, you and your friend, clean this place up. If not for yourselves, do

it for my granddaughter.

We will. We will.

Bye. Bye. Thanks anyway, Mom.

Oh, looks like it's just you and me now, kid.

What? Bye.

Bye, Mom.

Oh, Jack, there's four bottles prepared already, so you should be fine till

tomorrow morning. And if a bottom gets you, I can just give her a bottle of

water. Works miracles. In about three hours, white as marble. We'll be in

D11, 12, 13, and 14. Yeah, if there's a problem, just call. The usher will come

and get us. Oh, here's the number.

You leaving right now? Yeah, now.

When are you coming back?

About midnight.

All right, don't worry about us.

Wait a minute, is this a Ford? That's a Ford.

It's good to have.

So, uh, what do you want to do?

You know,

this show's been running longer than Mary's been alive.

Peter, we agreed not to mention her name tonight, right? Right, honesty.

Who did you guys count into sitting for you? Jack.

Jack? Daddy?

Are you

hungry?

Huh? Well, we're in luck here.

Tonight,

the chef has...

cooked up something very special for you. He is taking the juice of one cow

sauteed it with a fine thought. It is presented, surrounded by a bottle,

and topped off with a delicious rubber nipple.

Oh, excellent choice. Here we go.

What?

Here you go. Come on.

Please?

You don't want it, huh?

Yeah. Changed you?

Huh?

You're not hungry?

What else is there in life?

I always wanted to be a musical comedy star.

Did you ever try? No.

Ladies and gentlemen, act two will begin in three minutes.

Three minutes.

Michael, have you ever done any acting?

No, no, I leave that to Jack.

Idiot.

Maybe he fell asleep. Maybe he fell and hit his head. He's probably unconscious.

Will you come on and start? It's terrible. Sorry.

I had a great time. You can sing us a song for the second act, okay?

Are they always this strange?

Yes.

Since I got involved with another woman.

Wasn't that fun, huh?

Yeah. Jack?

Jack, where are you?

Jack! I'm right here. What? What?

What are you doing?

Well, what's it look like I'm doing, Peter?

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine, yeah.

Why are you guys back so soon anyway, huh?

We thought that we might have left the stove on.

No, no, the stove's not on.

I think that Uncle Peter and Uncle Michael are having a nervous breakdown.

I called, Jack. I let the phone ring for five minutes.

Why didn't you answer the phone?

Well, because Mary and I were taking a shower.

Yeah, we didn't hear anything.

Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't that the truth, mademoiselle?

Yes.

Yes.

You are cute. Yes.

I never put a phone in the shower before.

You get many calls in here? Steady stream.

Here.

What?

Commercial director hospitalized after mugging. What?

Yeah, take a look at this. This is your friend Paul Newman.

Don't let this happen to you. Be at the phone booth at the corner of 81st and

Columbus at exactly 8 p .m. tonight.

They're trying to intimidate us. I hate that.

I've had enough of this doo -doo. I want to finish this, okay?

Yeah, we got your message.

Uh -uh.

No good.

We do it our way.

Because we got the stuff.

And if you don't do it our way... Come on.

Say it.

Say it.

We flush it down the toilet.

Okay, now, listen, and listen good.

There's a construction site.

I don't think we'll be able to make it.

You're welcome. You're following the suspect.

You're welcome.

It was great. Everybody remember what they're supposed to do.

Oh, come on. Peter's not that complicated a player. Next he's going to

to synchronize our watches, right? Should we do that?

Hello, Sergeant Malkiewicz. My name is Jack Holden. I think you know my two

roommates. That must have been crazy to greet Jack.

Orange elevator here.

Close

door.

Okay, 15, please. 15?

Yeah.

Now I'm filthy and everything.

What's wrong, my sweetheart?

Come here.

What is it, huh?

Well, you should have told me before we left.

Oh, boy, this is not a good time to do this.

There you go.

Michael, they're here.

Hey, look, this is really aggravating. I'm here, by the way.

Hold it. What, what, what? Hold it! What? Just hold it.

Look, where was the stuff?

Were you giving it to me?

It's in the elevator.

Oh, bullshit.

It's in the control panel. Check for yourself.

What, am I supposed to bring my handy little tool kit here?

You realize that we had absolutely nothing to do with this.

We had no idea what was in the package. Yeah, no kidding. I mean, I could have

figured that out in about four seconds. I mean, you know.

You guys don't behave like a couple of pros, you know what I mean?

Right. Yeah.

We're not pros.

I just said that.

Didn't I? I'm sensitive to that.

I mean, why do you make it so complicated?

We've never done this. I got it. Great.

You're forgiven this time.

Very wise of you to cooperate.

Finally. Glad it's over. No happier than I am, believe me.

I mean, dealing with...

Amateurs is a real pain in the ass.

So is dealing with professionals.

Hey,

what is that?

What are you abusing my trust here?

There's someone in there.

Jack! What the hell happened? He hit the wrong button. He what?

Can it go any faster or what? This is it, huh? Come on. You punk!

Jack!

Jack!

No way to run, no way to hide.

I want that whole movie. I'll wait for you. I want that.

Hey, why are we stopped?

What's the matter? Why is this elevator stopped?

I got him!

It ain't running. It just ain't running. What's going on?

It's just a button. Oh, boy.

Uncle Peter and Uncle Michael are going to be plenty ticked off with Daddy.

Aren't you glad you found our guys?

What happened?

What happened? You wait for me. I know where you...

Why is this happening? Why is this happening?

Why? It's okay. It's okay, guys. It's okay.

Hi. Are you Sergeant Malkowitz?

Yeah. Oh, good.

Are you the father?

Yes. Yes. Yes, I am. Oh,

thanks for the phone call. Actually, it was Peter's idea. Hi, guys.

She's okay. She's okay. Hello, Sergeant. The guys you want are in that elevator.

The drugs are up there, too.

Everything you need to know is right here.

It's very illuminating. Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

If I have any questions, I know where to reach you. Okay.

Let's get him, Jimmy. Hey, can I hold the baby?

No. No.

Yes, and where will you be while I'm burning in hell? I'll tell you where

be, you silly bitch.

I will be in Niagara Falls. That's where.

Can you say Michael?

Michael.

Yeah.

Can you say Michael?

Michael.

Michael.

Bottle. Bottle please.

Good night, sweetheart.

Well, it's time to go.

I hate to leave you, but I really must say good

night, sweetheart.

Good night.

Well, it's three o 'clock in the morning.

Baby, I just can't. Treat you right.

Well, I hate to leave you, baby.

I don't mean maybe.

Because I love you so.

Good night, sweetheart.

Well, it's time to go.

Good night, sweetheart.

Well, it's time to go.

I hate to leave you, but I really must say.

Sweetheart, good night.

I

didn't

know you sang so well.

Well, you know, it kind of helps her sleep.

This is having quite an effect on you.

Are you going to have any more kids?

I don't want to talk about it, Rebecca. Good night.

Peter, I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. Could you think to me?

Yes.

I'm Sylvia.

Mary's mother. I've come to get her.

Just a minute.

How is she doing?

She's fine.

She's teething.

That can be rough.

Can I see you?

missed it.

Mummy has missed you.

Oh, I never thought I'd miss her this much.

Sylvia's here.

Mary's leaving.

She looks very happy, Jack.

You've obviously taken good care of her.

Sorry.

I shouldn't have left her the way I did.

I hope it didn't cause too much trouble.

No, no, no. No trouble at all.

Sylvia.

There's something I need to know.

Is she really mine?

Yes.

She is.

So, uh, what are you gonna do now? Do you have any idea?

I, um... I'm going home.

I can't work and take care of Mary on my own, so, um...

We're going to move in with my family.

They said they'd help.

You're going to London?

Yeah.

When?

Tonight.

Is that what you really want to do?

It's all right.

Okay.

You pack all the bottles?

Yeah.

No cans of formula?

You packed them.

Yeah.

What about the blender?

Maybe we should give her that.

Mash up bananas and stuff.

Sure.

And diapers?

Pack extra peppers?

Yeah.

How can he let her go?

If I were Jack, I would not let her go.

Neither would I, Michael. Neither would I.

But he's the father.

I don't think he wants her to go.

But he just can't admit it.

You know, if you want anything, anything at all, you call us, okay?

You'll probably be hungry in an hour.

She's a real good eater, so talk to Daddy.

Some of this stuff's gradual in here. Okay, I got it. You know, if you wake up

in the middle of the night, you'd like to do some 50s and 60s music work

Thanks. I remember that.

You're all set.

Everything's packed.

If there's anything else you need, just call us.

Anything.

Thank you.

I'll drive and let you know how we're doing.

Come on, darling.

Wave goodbye, sweetheart.

Bye, Mary.

Bye, Mary.

Good night, sweetheart.

Where is mine to go?

Good night, sweetheart.

I just can't

Good night.

Guys like us shouldn't be raising kids anyway.

Right.

Well, should we?

I suppose not.

She's better off with her mother.

And we are definitely better off now that everything's back to normal.

Right? Whatever you say, Jack.

How come I feel so bad?

What'd you say?

How come I feel so bad? I have this ape right here.

Well, I don't know.

What do you think, Mike?

It's the wine. It's not the wine.

Well, what is it, then?

I don't know.

I wish it would go away.

Maybe it's something you ate.

Maybe you're not getting enough sleep.

It's not that.

And what the hell is it?

I miss Mary.

Okay?

I miss Mary.

I just wish there was something I could do.

Well, maybe there is.

What? Winter flight, maybe?

Who are you guys taking?

My baby girl. Her mother's taking her to London.

How old?

Seven months. Seven months? That's hard work.

But pretty soon they start to walk. And let me tell you, the first time you hear

the word daddy, I don't care who you are. Your heart just melts.

Can you drive a little faster, please?

Yeah.

Good luck.

Four.

Gate four.

Sir, hold it, fellas, one at a time, please. One at a time. Any metal.

Put it in here, please.

Thank you, sir. One at a time.

Thank you.

Three, four, four.

Miss?

176, flight 176.

Yes, sir.

Hey, goodbye.

Sylvia, are you all right? What happened? We thought you'd gone. I

Jack. I couldn't do it.

I don't want to make another mistake.

And I knew if I took her away, I'd just be making another mistake.

I mean, I have to work.

But I can't do that. I'd take care of Mary alone.

I mean, do you know what it's like?

A one -room flat on your feet all day, working or auditioning?

And I'm on the job sometimes until 3 in the morning, and since Mary gets up at 5

.30... Oh, I know, I know. I mean, you can imagine how much sleep I get. Yeah,

after the 5 .30 bottle starts all over again at 9 o 'clock. And by the time I

change her and play with her a little, it's already 8 o 'clock. Well, forget

about sleeping after that. It's a pasta. And then the babysitter's until 3 in

the morning. All my money is sucked down the tubes.

And me so tired, I can't take Mary to the park. Oh, tell me about it. Getting

time to take her to the park? That's a bitch. I mean, I love my job, but...

I just feel like I'm just working to pay the sitters, and I run around all day,

and I don't get enough sleep.

It's worse. I don't think I'm taking very good care of Mary. No, of course

are. I am? I mean, I couldn't cope.

Sylvia, we know how hard it is. Yeah, there's three of us. We could hardly

manage. I don't want to go to London. I want to work in New York, but I can't do

that alone.

I hope I don't have to.

Someone to help me. We'll help. We will help. Yes, yes, absolutely.

I mean, you can leave her anytime you want. We'd love to have her. Oh, gosh,

yeah, when you go for an audition or you go shopping or whatever. You want to be

by yourself. I was hoping you would say that. Thank you. Really? Thank you so

much. Yeah, of course.

Hold it, guys.

I don't think I like this arrangement.

I just don't want to be Mary's babysitter. I want... We want...

To be able to see her all the time, may I? I agree, but so what are you saying?

What do you mean?

I'm saying that I think Mary should move in with us permanently.

That we should be her family.

Well, I think it's lovely of you to offer, Peter, but I couldn't let Mary...

no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, you don't understand. You're right, Sylvia.

She's your daughter. She needs a full -time mother.

That's why we think that...

That you should move in, too. Yeah. That's a great idea. Oh, what do you

Of course.

Four is better than three.

Do you have room?

I'll build you a room.

Oh, please say yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

He's a minute.

The minute I saw you.

Hold me.

Hold me. All I want to do is kiss your baby's face.

Hold me.

Hold me. I want to rub you in my arms.