Original subtitles

It's from Game of Thrones.

What do you think?

I don't know.

If we're going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I've long thought we

should, is this really the sword to start with?

What did you have in mind?

Well, off the top of my head, I'd have to go with Excalibur.

It gives you the right to rule England.

It would be a replica of a movie prop.

Fair enough.

It would give you the right to rule a replica of England.

Well, they don't have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?

Tough decision.

There's no weaponry from Lord of the Rings forged in a Chinese sweatshop.

There's still no bag and sword over there.

Two grown men with a hobbit's dagger. Wouldn't we look silly?

Okay, let's go for it.

Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.

Yeah.

It's okay, I guess.

It's okay? It's magnificent.

What do you want for it? Well, it's hard to put a price on something that's a

copy of something that was on pay cable.

For my friends, let's say $250.

Oh, that's pretty steep.

Well, it's a limited edition. They only made $8 ,000 of these bad boys.

It's only $8 ,000? We're wasting precious time. Buy it.

Hang on.

Can you do any better?

Are you kidding? I'm already giving you the friends and family discount.

Oh, did you hear that? We're getting the friends and family discount.

We are honored, and we will take it.

Slow down.

$200. What are you doing? $250 is already a discounted price.

I'll tell you what, I'll go $235.

Nope, maybe another time. Okay, $225 is my final offer. Take it, take it.

$200. Man, you're killing me. I'm killing you. I can't breathe.

2 -10, and I'm losing money. Oh, no, we can't let him lose money, Leonard. I'm

so sorry.

2 -10, and you throw in the Iron Man helmet. Are you crazy? That helmet's

by Robert Downey Jr.

So?

Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a

plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have

meaning.

Okay, fine. Just the sword, 2 -10.

Thank you.

I can eat meat this week.

See that?

I just saved us 40 bucks.

I've long said what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street

smart.

You want me to wrap it?

No, it's okay. I'm going to stab my friend in the chest.

Hey, Stuart.

Oh, hey. Well, hello, Wil Wheaton.

Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword.

It's part of my sword collection.

Do you have a sword collection?

No. I'm not surprised.

Here's the Batman 612 with a Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted.

Awesome. What do I owe you? Forty bucks.

Good deal.

Sucker. Didn't even ask for the friends and family discount.

Hey, I'm having a party at my house on Friday and I was hoping you would stop

by. Will there be girls there?

Yeah, of course.

Just there wasn't last time.

There will be girls.

You guys are invited if you want to come by.

Thank you.

All right, great.

Later.

I see what you're doing.

You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy. He tells

everyone we're going to be there, and when we don't show, he looks the fool.

Fiendishly clever.

I was actually thinking about going.

And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated

in front of his guest. Love it.

No, I'm just going to grab Raj and Howard and have a good time.

All right, great. More guys.

It's going to be another Wil Wheaton sausage fest.

Sheldon, can you grab me a water?

Possibly.

Can you or can't you? It's not that simple, Leonard.

It never is, is it?

At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states.

Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton's party, you are simultaneously

my friend and not my friend.

I'm characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger's friendship.

Can I have my water? No, of course.

Now get it yourself, you traitor.

Okay, what is going on? In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger's cat is a

thought experiment. Well, I didn't forget.

There's a cat in a box, and until you open it, it's either dead or alive or

both.

Although back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother's camp trunk, and we

did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of dead cat in there.

Home fun stories, knowledge of physics, and a bosom that defies it. You're the

whole package, aren't you?

Sorry, I'm late. I got great news.

NASA picked my team's design for the Deep Field Space Telescope that's going

the International Space Station this spring.

Wonderful. Congratulations.

It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload

and guess who that someone is?

Muhammad Lee.

Who's Muhammad Lee?

Muhammad is the most common first name in the world. Lee, the most common

surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical

edge.

It's me, Sheldon. It's me. I'm going up in space.

Technically... I'm an astronaut.

That's amazing.

Hang on a second. If it doesn't have a shuttle anymore, how are you going to

there? Oh, well, it's really cool. You fly to Moscow. They take you out to

Kazakhstan. And then you get into a Russian Soyuz rocket, which shoots you

a low Earth orbit. Or it just sits there on the launch pad because the Kazaki

mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.

Are those Russian rockets safe?

Well, they're as safe as they can be when it was built by the good folks who

brought you Chernobyl.

I'd like to propose a toast.

The dream to go up in its faith is one we all share, and Howard's making that a

reality. We're all very proud of you.

Cheers. That was a lovely toast. Kudos. Thank you.

Simultaneously, a festival of cloying cliches. You sicken me.

You're really quiet.

Is everything okay?

Fine.

Just a little tired?

I hope not too tired, because I'm feeling particularly masculine right

All systems go if you catch my drift.

I always catch your drift.

All right, well, something's obviously bugging you. What is it?

I just can't believe you signed up for the space program without even talking

me. Oh, I get it. We...

You're worried about me.

That is so sweet. You know, there's a saying we have at NASA.

What makes the right stuff so right is that it always comes home.

Stop talking, Howard.

This isn't the reaction I expected when I told you I was going to be an

astronaut. What did you think was going to happen?

Honestly? Sex?

Howard. Do you realize what a big deal this is? What an honor it is to be

to go into space?

Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision.

We're supposed to be partners.

We're supposed to be a team.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Let's try this again.

Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that...

impact both of us, and I'd like to discuss it.

Okay.

I've been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for

weeks.

What are your thoughts on that?

Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision -making

Hey, we're a team.

So what do you think?

No.

No? No.

Why not?

My father was a police officer.

We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive.

He was horrible, and I don't want to live that way with you.

Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11.

I never saw him again.

Oh, boo -hoo, you're not going to...

Don't talk to me as if nothing's happened between us. And yes, it sure

buddy.

For God's sake, will you stop with the Schrodinger stuff?

Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle,

which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?

You never stop talking, do you?

I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil

Wheaton's party?

Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.

Mortal enemy?

Mm -hmm.

Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left -handed monkey wrench, but... You really

have a mortal enemy?

In fact, I have 61 of them.

Would you like to see the list?

Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.

You just got off the list. Would you like back on it?

So just take a moment. It's on a five and a quarter inch floppy.

A floppy disk?

I started the list when I was nine.

How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?

As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek. So

I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was

scheduled to appear so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed.

But he never showed because apparently it was cooler for him to be the lower

left corner on Hollywood squares.

The floppy failed.

Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the verbatim corporation in

1989, congratulations, you just made the list.

Howard? Change your mind about sex?

I'm still mad, but I'll do it.

No, I've just been thinking.

It doesn't matter if I'm afraid for your safety.

I don't want to be the person who stands between you and your dreams.

Really?

Really. If going into space means that much to you, I will never say another

word about it.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

So, sex now?

Okay. I just forgot to brush my teeth. I'll be right back.

You actually asked Bernadette to leave your house in the middle of the night?

What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against

me. Wow.

You're not only our first astronaut, you're also the first one of us to kick

girl out of bed.

You're like a rock star.

A little bit.

I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you.

Interesting that you see betrayal in others, but not yourself.

Going to Wheaton's party is not betraying you. Oh, of course you would

believe that. Evil always thinks it's doing right.

Excuse me, Stormtrooper, these are the droids you're looking for.

I'm going to a party. I'm not turning R2 -D2 and C -3PO over to the Empire.

Not yet.

So what's going to happen next? Are you and Bernadette going to break up?

I don't know. If we're going to get back together, she's going to have to

apologize and accept that I'm a grown man who can make his own decisions.

Then she's going to have to convince your mother to let you go into space.

Obviously.

I had no choice.

I had to tell his mother.

He can't go to space.

Sheldon threw his back out, handing him that book.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't want to break up over this.

Okay, why don't you just tell him you made a mistake?

Do you guys think it was a mistake?

Am I the bad guy in this?

It's not for us to judge. We're just here to provide comfort and support

you come to grips with what a despicable thing you've done.

ask you a big picture question.

What?

Are you 100 % positive you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?

I do. With all my heart.

Got it. Just had to check.

He's great.

All right, Sheldon, we're going to Wills. This is your last chance.

No, Leonard, this is your last chance.

One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were

friends with Dr.

Sheldon Cooper?

And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as

you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand

By Me that no one remembers.

You want to try? Sure.

Oh, good. You picked me. You picked me.

No. I just got a text from Stuart.

Brent Spiner's at the party.

Brent Spiner?

Yes.

I don't care.

Really? Brent Spiner? Mr.

Data himself? You love him!

I did, but I think I've kind of outgrown Star Trek.

Stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.

I'm going.

Live long and prosper, Sheldon. Yeah, even that. You look like a dork.

Howard!

Bernadette's here!

Tell her I'm not home!

What kind of a smug play is that? She can hear you shouting!

Can we talk?

You can. I have nothing to say.

Right.

I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry I said something to your mother.

I was going to tell her eventually, but you went behind my back.

No, I'm sorry.

I got scared.

If you're going to love me, you're going to have to love the whole package.

The tender -hearted poet and the crazy daredevil.

I know.

Don't say it if you're not going to mean it, because I'm not just going to stop

with the space station.

I want to go to the moon. I want to go to Mars.

I want to take a one -man sub to the lowest depths of the ocean.

Really? You got seasick on Pirates of the Caribbean.

Those big kids were rocking it.

I just did what I did because I love you so much. And the thought of losing you

is more than I can handle.

Really?

You're my soulmate.

This is where you kiss me.

Right, right.

beautiful actress who plays the ball queen in first contact well i just met

gynecologist what are you doing here fighting

for our friendship as peculiar and annoying as you can be you're still my

buddy i'm not going to let that end here tonight now put down that drink let's

meet brent spiner and go home hey sheldon i'm so glad you made it i found

something i think you might like

What I'd like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.

This is for you.

An original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure.

I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a

kid to get one signed and I didn't show up.

Look at what I wrote.

To Sheldon, sorry this took so long.

Your friend, Will Wheaton.

It's my last one.

I want you to have it.

Look, everyone.

I haven't seen one of these in years.

Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?

Brent Spiner, what have you done?

That was an original minted and packaged Wesley Crusher action figure. Signed by

my close personal friend, Will Wheaton.

Sorry, Slim.

I've got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one

you? You've already signed something, Brent Spiner.

Your name on my list.

Anton, you are my mortal enemy.

Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lot of your time.

Come on, buddy.

Let's not waste another second on this loser.

We'll love your health.

Can we get autographed dolls?

Sure.

20 bucks.

10.

18. 12.

16. 2 for 30.

And you come to my birthday party.