Original subtitles

What's the last dumpling?

Oh, me.

Here's a penny. A moment.

We just had Thai food.

In that culture, the last morsel is called the Grangai piece, and it is

for the most important and valued member of the group.

Thank you all for this high honor.

I've seen pictures of your mother. Keep eating.

All right, honey, if we're going to make the movie, we should go.

This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiancée.

Yeah, well, now it means her.

Okay, if he wants to come.

Fine, but next time we get a sitter.

I mean, I gotta go to work. I'll lock down with you. Wait.

Which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theater, or the

Cheesecake Factory?

Neither of them are close.

Oh, well, then I guess it doesn't matter which one of you drives me.

Let's play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right. This

-letter word describes either a printer's type size or a compulsion to

Okay, I'm not driving him. Penny, don't give up. You can get this.

Are you going with Sheldon?

No. I have no interest in model train stores that sell them, nor their

heartbreaking clientele.

Oh. Well, I have some work to do, so... I can't imagine that would disturb me.

Carry on.

Okay.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable at home?

Not really, no.

All righty, then.

I guess I'll just get started. Leonard, please, I don't need the running

commentary.

Our whole universe was in a hot dance state that nearly 14 million years ago,

expansion started way around. The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to

drool, Neanderthals developed tools, we built a wall, we built the pyramids,

math, science, mystery, unraveling the mystery that all started with a big

thinking about what I read.

You all right, Leonard? You seem very uncomfortable.

I'm fine.

Should I go?

I've been told sometimes I overstay my welcome.

Well, who told you that?

Well,

most recently my gynecologist.

So you stay as long as you'd like.

I'm glad to hear you say that because I'm having a wonderful time.

I said the same thing to my gynecologist.

What are you going to get at the train store, Sheldon?

Oh, I'm not buying anything.

They're having a lecture, HO gauge railroading, half the size of O gauge,

twice the fun.

Very controversial topic.

Which side do you come down on?

I'll let you know after tonight.

Unlike some people, I'm going in with an open mind.

Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it's O gauge or no gauge.

Can you believe grown men sit around and play with toy trains?

That's pretty big talk for a man with a closet full of magic tricks at his

mother's house.

First of all, they're not tricks. They're illusions.

Secondly, when we get married, they're all going up in the attic so you can

that closet for clothes.

Why would I keep clothes at your mother's house?

Don't think of it that way. Once we move in, it'll be our house.

Is she moving out?

Why would she move out? It's her house.

think I'm going to live with your mother? Howard, I think I can help here.

Bernadette, that's exactly what he thinks.

It's a great house. Plenty of room, and if we have kids, Mom's there to help.

You know, when she tells the three little pigs story, she actually has hair

her chinny -chin -chin.

I'm not going to live with your mother. Not now, not ever.

Wow, someone obviously has some mommy issues.

Don't listen to her. Go to the movie theater.

Take me home now. Movie theater.

Okay,

everybody calm down.

There's a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I

don't care what you people do.

How was your shower?

Good, good.

Out of curiosity, what time do you usually go to bed?

I'm up all night. I'm like a possum.

Boy, you were not liked in high school, were you?

Not really. Is that my yearbook?

Mm -hmm.

Dear Leonard, you're really good at science. Maybe one day you'll come up

cure for being a dork.

Well, it wasn't spray painting a lightning bolt on my briefcase, I can

that.

If it makes you feel any better, the only person who signed my yearbook was

mother. Aw.

Dear Amy.

Self -respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom.

Well, you can add Jerry's Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper

will never set foot in again.

Rough night, Casey Jones?

You don't know the half of it. Look, it was billed as a lively give -and -take

on the merits of model train sizes, but it was actually a setup to intimidate

weak -minded spineless rubes into buying HO starter sets. What's in the bag?

I don't want to talk about it.

But it's not a spine, I'll tell you that.

Well, I had a delightful evening, Leonard. We should do this again

Ah, sure. That'd be nice.

Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr.

and Dr. Gustafson this Friday.

They're kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department.

Wouldn't you rather bring Sheldon?

I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster.

He behaved like a child the entire time.

Not my fault. You said there'd be other scientists. They're my age.

Doesn't matter. You're out. He's in.

No date to the prom. Two dates to a wedding. How times change.

You have to go to a wedding.

with your mom's stuff on me. Yeah, well, I'm sorry I didn't run it by you first.

I don't know who you're talking to, but in or out, we don't need bugs!

The bugs only come here because you're the queen!

Listen, how about this?

Before we make any kind of decision about where we live, we have a trial

You know, stay here for a weekend, see what it's like.

Your mom would be okay with that?

Sure she would. Mom, you might have Bernadette stay here this weekend.

Hey, if she's willing to give the milk away for free, who am I to say no?

See, she's good with it.

concentrated the fun.

You're a brain scientist.

Can you explain to me why a brilliant man likes playing with toy trains?

Not without cutting his head open now.

How about making my eyes like Cleopatra?

Really? For a wedding?

Perhaps you're right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain

hello sailor quality today.

James Bond.

He's better than James Bond.

Because he's tinier.

I got you this to give to me.

Oh, sweetie, guests don't normally wear corsages to a wedding. That's more of a

prom thing.

I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the

money to buy drugs.

Put the corsage on her.

Amy, this is for you.

When you're done copping a field that goes on my wrist.

All aboard!

It's official.

I'm an H .O.

Trainiac.

So, dinner went nice.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Does your mother always cut your meat for you?

Only when it's fatty.

Don't be jealous, babe.

Someday you'll get to cut it for me.

Found it, Dad. I found the extra head for the water pick if you want to use

I'm okay, Mrs. Wallowitz.

You sure?

I just squirted half a brisket out of my teeth.

Hey, Ma, how about a little privacy?

Oh, I know what that means.

Hubba hubba.

Oh, God. Relax.

It'll be fine.

Would you like to dance?

No, thank you. I'm really not much of a dancer.

Not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist, either.

Sorry.

The bride and groom seem happy.

Why shouldn't they be?

They have a feverish night of socially approved copulation ahead of them.

In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved

orgasm.

That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning.

Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here.

And you're not holding up your end of the evening.

I'm sorry.

Sweating just reminds me of my kind of sort of girlfriend 9 ,000 miles away.

I have a kind of sort of boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now.

You don't hear me bitching about it.

Leonard, a word of advice.

Moody self -obsession is only attractive in men who can play guitar and are

considerably taller than you.

I'm not moody. I'm fun.

Do you have any evidence to support that statement?

Well, hey, I'm just as much fun as you are.

Really? Are you willing to draw a mustache on your finger as a

icebreaker?

I am.

Okay, fine. What do you suggest?

We just had a lovely meal.

The band is on fire.

And you're sitting next to a beautiful woman wearing whorish makeup.

Why don't we head out on the dance floor and see if I can sweat through these

dress shields?

Once again, I'm really not much of a dancer.

Don't worry.

I'll lead.

but your mother's been in the bathroom for like an hour.

Oh, yeah, she sometimes has problems doing her business. Hang on.

Ma, give up!

Tonight's not your night!

You don't know that! I just sat down!

Ma, take a break!

Bernadette needs to brush her teeth!

She can come in and brush her teeth! I'm not embarrassed!

Problem solved.

Honey, she's just sitting in there reading a magazine. You can't see

go in all the time.

Ha! The eagle has landed!

And we have splashdown.

Wait here. I'm going to go light a candle.

And then we make passionate love.

can't figure out what happened. I put my left leg in, I took my left leg out, I

put my left leg in, and something just snapped.

Hokey pokey is a young man's game.

I did have a great time. Thank you for reminding me it's okay to have fun once

in a while.

You're welcome.

And also for breaking the head off the ice wand so I could hold it against my

pulled groin.

I excel at spatial reasoning, and I had a hunch that the graceful slope of its

neck would cradle your genitals nicely.

Okay, again, thank you.

And again, you're welcome.

Want to come in, have a cup of tea?

No, thanks. I'm going to head home.

Okay, well, good night.

Good night.

James, hi.

How was the wedding?

Great. Until I accidentally made Leonard fall in love with me.

Do you want a glass of wine?

Wine is one of the reasons I'm in this fix. That and this dang pelvis.

Okay, I'm sorry. What exactly happened?

The inevitable. He was lonely and vulnerable from missing his girlfriend

was charming, supportive, and let's face it, in this dress, the perfect

combination of Madonna and whore.

Oh, God. Did he make a move on you?

No, but it's only a matter of time.

How could I have not seen this coming?

Now I'm going to have to break the little sad sack's heart.

Yeah, I'm sure he'll be okay.

Oh, Penny, much as I would treasure knowing that the two of us had been

by the same man, Leonard just doesn't get my motor running.

So, um, what are you going to do? Do you want me to talk to Leonard? Let him

down easy?

No, I'll let him have tonight.

Then in the morning, I'll send him an email letting him know this body is

going to be his wonderland.

I mean, frankly, you've got a better shot than he does.

Leonard, check it out. I bought an N -Gage locomotive, half the size of H .O.

Look, it fits in my mouth.

Sounds like you had a great night.

I did.

How was yours?

Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.

What exactly do you mean by that?

Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time.

Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear.

Ow!

Why'd you do that? To send a message.

She is not for you.

What? Not for you.

Yes, it is, and you're so pretty in the morning.

Your mom and I made you breakfast.

Oh, wow.

So you guys are getting along?

Yeah, I guess.

We're very different people, Howard, so communication's a little tricky.

Get your butter.