Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, Priya's calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a

dinner date.

It's 8 o 'clock in the morning in Mumbai.

How can she have dinner?

Fine, whatever, Priya. We'll be having breakfast.

All right, so technically it's not a dinner date.

I suppose you could call it a, uh, din -fast date.

But if you did, you'd open yourself to peer -based mocking, such as, hey,

Leonard, how was your den fast with Priya last night?

That doesn't sound like mocking.

You can let me finish.

Den fast.

Are those soy -based candles?

I don't know. Why?

Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens, unless lung cancer is the

were going for at your den fast.

Den fast.

Listen, I don't want to be rude, but Priya's going to be calling any minute,

so... Oh, yes, Priya.

Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal

Yes, I've always admired that about you.

As well you should. But I'm going to make an exception here. Oh, good.

Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career.

Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship

you could use that time to take up a hobby.

A hobby. Yes.

I read recently about a fella in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine.

I bet you could give him a run for his money.

You know, some people might say that it's great that we're trying to make

work long distance.

They say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.

When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

You video chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?

Don't you like Amy? Of course I like Amy.

Well, there's the difference.

Excuse me, that's Priya.

Hi, Leonard.

Hey, honey.

I miss you.

Oh, I miss you, too.

I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video

store.

Thanks for letting me stay here while Leonard Skypes with his girlfriend.

Oh, it's no problem.

It's actually kind of nice.

You reading, me reading. We're like an old married couple.

If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and

snickerdoodles.

I don't have iced tea and snickerdoodles.

A good wife would go to the store.

I want a divorce.

Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies.

I must say, I'm enjoying your new chair.

It's great, isn't it? It is.

Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks.

This is a chair worthy of the name.

What name?

Chair.

All right, well, I'm glad you like it. I mean, I still can't get over the fact

someone just threw it away.

What? Yeah, I was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks

help me get it up here.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

I've been sitting in garbage.

Sheldon, take it easy. You take it easy, honey, to use your shower.

I went into this marriage with so much hope.

There's a wet band -aid on the shower floor.

14 billion years ago, expansion started.

Wait a minute. The earth began to cool. The autotrophs began to drool.

Neanderthals developed tools. We built a wall. We built a pyramid.

Math, science, history unraveling the mystery.

It all started with a big bang.

This is fun. I've never used a hydraulic thermoforming press before.

Pretty sweet, huh? This little baby set the university back 175 grand.

Uh, three minutes. Should we see what we got?

Hang on.

Oh, yeah. This is one good -looking panini.

Hand me the tuna milk. Yep.

Thank you.

How's it going with the long -distance love affair?

Not easy, but we're making it work.

When you say making it work, does that include doing the cyber -nasty?

What? You know, the virtual pickle -tickle?

The digital -bound tickle -pickle?

Come on, dude, this is my sister you're talking about. Hey, Leonard jiggling his

junk at her through a webcam has got to be easier for you to deal with than him

actually touching her with it.

There's no junk jiggling. We just talk.

Are you insane?

With high -speed internet, you have at your fingertips the greatest advancement

in the field of sex since the invention of the washcloth.

I can't do that.

Well, if you don't, you're going to lose Priya to some fancy guy in a turban who

grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.

How can you be so racist?

Oh, come on. Tell me I'm wrong.

Leonard, good. There you are.

I need you to check my head for chair lice.

Until last night, I'm not doing it again.

Just his head, right?

I don't want to talk about it.

You didn't catch bugs from Penny's chair.

Yes, I did. And now they're cavorting at the base of my hair follicles, like

dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.

Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow

it way out of proportion.

Name one time I've ever done that.

How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced

North Korean spies were stealing your doodles?

The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets.

The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town.

The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd started growing

again.

I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

Penny.

Penny. Penny.

Yellow.

You need to remove that chair from the building.

It's a health hazard. Okay, relax.

I took off the slipcovers, had them dry clean, and then fumigated the cushions.

Really? Yeah, it's cleaner than my couch. Found half a hot pocket in there.

Certainly looks okay.

Strong toxic chemical smell. That's reassuring.

Why don't you give it a try, Sheldon?

All right.

It is a comfortable chair.

Why don't you just admit you overreacted?

No, thank you.

rid of the chair nope penny penny

penny what's the word hummingbird for your safety please wait

in my apartment as i call the authorities so they may remove the chair

no penny

As a self -appointed member of the Centers for Disease Control street team,

these premises are condemned.

As a man with a keen sense of style, I must

tell you, that chair does not work with the room.

Jump right in. All right.

You're a naughty girl.

And I want to punish you with my love.

What?

Not good?

Terrible. Try again.

Okay. You're not naughty.

You're dirty.

You're a dirty girl?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you're a... You're a dirty,

disgusting, revolting girl.

Listen to that.

God, let's stop talking.

Just give me five minutes. I'll Google how to do this. I'll call you right

Just be quiet and do what I tell you. Okay, like usual. Good.

Take off your shirt.

All righty.

Shirt coming off.

Ta -da, man nipples.

I said be quiet.

Yes, ma 'am.

Now take off your shorts.

Taking shorts off.

There we go.

Naked, naked, naked.

Cool.

If your video's frozen, try resetting the TCP IP stack.

Oh!

I didn't even think of that. Thanks. You're welcome.

Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the

for your self -abuse. I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and ten and young and lovely.

The girl from Ipanema.

goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes... Amy.

Amy. Amy.

Oh.

You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of

obsessive -compulsive disorder.

Is not.

Is not. Is not.

Denial. Denial. Denial. Come in.

Thank you.

Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?

No.

How about the theme song to the classic television show Different Strokes?

Now the world don't move to the... Well,

that's every song I know. What's up?

You're good friends with Penny, right?

Best friends.

Besties. BFF.

Peas in a pod. Sisters who would share a traveling pant. Go on.

I was hoping she might listen to you about... The dangers of owning

furniture.

For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in

cholera?

Cholera is waterborne. You're mocking me. Yes, I am.

Penny has dragged a chair in off the street, whose unknown providence

jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.

Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the

doesn't mean I have to participate.

All right.

Name your price.

Kiss me where I've never been kissed before?

You mean like Salt Lake City?

Never mind. I'll talk to Penny. Thank you.

Will you listen to me play my harp now?

No. I dislike the sound of the harp. It's overuse in classic television

Always makes me think I'm going to experience an episode from my past.

I'm sorry, Mommy. Don't be mad at me. Don't do that.

I don't know about this, Howard.

What? You're having trouble with the long -distance lovemaking? This is your

answer. There are two interfaces that simulate a human mouth. You have one.

Priya has one in India. When you move your lips and tongue on yours, it

transmits exactly what you're doing to hers.

See? Internet kissing.

I don't think so.

I'll try it.

Wait, like this?

Almost. Really get your tongue in there to activate the motion sensor.

Like this?

Close. Really French it.

Well, you just bit my tongue.

Well, I nibbled. I was being playful.

Why do you have to make everything weird?

Sorry.

Better? Oh, yeah.

Pretty cool, huh? Probably would cost like 200 bucks in a store.

I do appreciate a bargain. This entire ensemble once belonged to my dead

grandmother.

You're kidding.

Everything except bra and panties.

And they're a leopard -spotted secret I share with Victoria.

And now me.

I just have one question about the chair.

And what's that?

Weren't you worried about it being unhygienic?

No, it's completely fine.

I get it.

Sheldon sent you. He put you up to this. No, he didn't. Really? Yes, he did. He

absolutely did.

My God, Amy, that's really crappy of you.

It is?

Yeah, letting Sheldon use you to manipulate me.

I thought you were my friend.

No, I am your friend. Please don't be mad at me. I can't even believe this.

know, maybe you should just go.

No. No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I take it all back.

Look, I'm sitting in your chair. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a great

chair. Please let me continue to be part of your world.

Something in the chair is biting my tushy. It's not important.

figure this thing out. Oh, Leonard, listen. No, you listen.

You're my woman, and I'm going to make you feel things you have never felt

before.

Leonard? That's right. Say my name. And beg me for more, because I'm going to

give it to you.

My parents are here.

Hello, Leonard.

If I may also say your name.

Check it out, free chair.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, if this was in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, I wouldn't wind

up sitting on the floor all the time.

On three?

Three!

What kind of idiot throws you a terrific chair like this?