Original subtitles

Narrator: What's got Joe and

murr screeching for joy?

Narrator: Why is murr up in

arms over a penguin?

I've had it with you!

Narrator: And what's got

tonight's big loser running

scared?

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

Today we're in the park

giving each other embarrassing

tasks using the official

"impractical jokers" voice

modulator.

So, our voices that normally

sound like this...

Now sound like this.

But here's the catch... you

have to try and guess whose

disguised voice gave you the

command.

If you guess incorrectly, you

have to perform the task.

But if you guess correctly,

that person has to come out and

do it themself.

And as

always, if you can't do what

you're told, you lose.

Let's do this,

brutus.

All right, so

you can hear me, buddy?

Yes.

Can you tell who this is?

No clue.

The ransom's set at

$1 million.

Give me back my son!

You're about to be taken.

Give me some jabba the hutt.

I like your scarf.

Oh, Joe.

Yeah, that's right.

My feet hurt.

Sal. How are you, buddy?

I hate myself.

Wait, how did I get on the

Mike?

Here's the

issue here, okay?

You want to give him something

hard to do.

Right.

But... if it's too hard and he

guesses you, you have to do it.

That's right.

Yeah.

You might screw yourself.

Okay, you

ready, buddy?

Burp someone.

Burp someone.

Well, let me think about

this.

Murray doesn't like that sort of

humor.

Sal can burp really well, so

burping might be on his mind.

Uh... I'm gonna go with sal.

All: Oh!

Have fun burping someone,

buddy.

That was Joe.

Since he didn't

guess me...

You escaped it.

I escaped.

Oh, what's going on, bro?

How are you?

You're looking a little gassy.

You're looking a little gassy.

Come on.

Get it out. Get it out.

Get it out.

Burp it out. Burp it out.

Come on. Burp it out.

You pat me. I pat you.

We'll both burp at the same

time.

Ready? One, two, three.

He got it!

There you go, bud.

I'm better now, buddy.

Thank you.

All right, boys.

Not bad, buddy, but the only

way you come back in is if you

guess one right.

Right.

You got to guess who said it.

All right. Sure.

Give me the next one.

Put someone's

fingers in your mouth.

Murray.

No way!

Murray, 'cause only Murray

would tell us to do something

stupid like that.

You're right.

No! No!

Get out there.

Get out there and get people's

fingers in your mouth.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

I'm testing out a new magic

trick.

Can I test it on you real quick?

It takes 10 seconds.

I'm going to make your fingers

disappear.

Okay, so, what I need you to do

is this.

It's an illusion, okay?

Like, as narrow as you can get.

Okay, now, here's how it works.

You just take this, do this.

And the trick is very simple.

You go...

Ta-da.

He did it.

Holy

wow! That's great.

How's victory

taste, buddy?

Tastes like a subway.

Now you're up.

Oh. All right. Give it to me.

Play air

guitar and air drums in

someone's personal space.

Ohh.

Okay, this is interesting.

Sal doesn't like invading

people's personal space, but he

does like showmanship.

Mm.

You are a showman.

Well, q is the video-game

guy, and q plays the air guitar

and the air drums.

You play that air-guitar

video game all the time?

Clearly, the answer is sal.

Yeah! You're up.

Yeah!

You're an idiot.

Not clever enough for the old

murr.

There you go.

I knew it. Get out there!

He looks crazy.

Oh, he's putting the guitar

on!

Is she just trying to ignore

the concert that's going on?

He did the Marty mcfly right

by her.

[ Continues imitating guitar

[ notes ]

Ah! He's chasing her off.

[ Imitating whining guitar

[ notes loudly ]

Drum solo.

She's dancing!

She's headbanging.

Best concert she never got

invited to.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well done,

sal.

Sal, nicely tossed.

Guys, enough is enough now.

You can't stop until you

guess who's saying it, buddy.

Okay, okay.

This isn't over until someone

loses.

Oh! Oh!

Kiss this blonde on the lips.

This is Joe.

This is Joe gatto.

Go kiss that blond girl.

Go kiss her.

She's beautiful.

I know. It's Joe.

This is Joe gatto.

That sounds like q to me.

No, it

doesn't!

He's putting mints in his

mouth.

He's putting mints in.

Now you have to

go kiss her, show-off.

Hey, how are you?

I'm good.

Good.

What's going on?

Uh, I'm just... I was just

hanging out in the park.

Nice to meet you.

Do you come around here often?

Uh...

I go to school here.

This is hard to watch.

I would just kiss.

All right.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Bye.

Okay.

We have a loser.

Game over.

Narrator: Sal kisses his win

goodbye.

Enough is enough!

We quit.

Today murr and sal will be

posing as employees at different

locations.

But not for long 'cause we

have to quit our jobs in front

of a ton of people.

The reason that you're

quitting will be given to you by

the other guys.

The goal is to get the crowd

to applaud for you, no matter

how ridiculous the reason.

If they can't rile up the

crowd, they lose.

I am gonna quit so

fantastically.

Narrator: It's murr versus

sal in a "joker versus joker"

challenge.

Indistinct talking, scanners

[ beeping ]

Do you want the hanger or...?

Ah, another hard day at work.

You know what?

You're better than this, man.

You want to get out and follow

your dreams.

All right, sal.

It's time to get out.

Get everyone's attention and let

them know why you're quitting.

Remember... you have to get them

to applaud.

Excuse me, ladies and

gentlemen.

Could I have your attention,

please?

Oh! It got quiet!

Wow.

I just want to let you know

that I am quitting...

Why are you quitting?

'Cause your father forced you

into the field of discount

retail.

Because it was my dad who

pressured me into the field of

discount retail.

And you are breaking free to

follow your dreams!

Yes!

And I'm leaving to finally

follow my own dreams, is all i'm

saying.

I just want to say that out

loud.

What are these dreams?

I can't wait to find out.

My dreams include but are not

limited to following jamiroquai

around the world...

Who's jamiroquai?

He's a singer.

A beloved '90s pop icon.

Oh.

'cause I'm a huge fan.

He's got the hat.

He's got "virtual insanity."

He's got the other hits.

Sal, is jamiroquai your only

dream?

Dream bigger, buddy.

The other thing I'm gonna

do... and I've always wanted to

do it... is blog about fruit.

I think fruit is delicious

and nutritious, and I want to

get the word out.

Bananas, apples, oranges.

Don't even get me started on the

plums.

You know what I'm talking about!

Why can't you work here and

blog about fruit?

I'm not sure.

It's too much for one life.

Also, shandra in textiles can

be a real "b" when she wants to,

and I've had it up to here with

that.

So, I just ask you to support me

in my decision to follow my

dreams, for any of you who have

been pressured by your parents

into discount retail...

to join me and stick up for

what you believe in and follow

your dreams.

Thank you, everyone.

All right! Okay!

Oh!

Thank you! Thank you so much!

I'm quitting to follow

jamiroquai and blog about fruit!

All right!

He got it. He got it.

All right, man.

Thank you.

I don't know if you heard it.

I quit.

Hi, everyone. How are you?

Come on down, guys.

Well, murr works here in the

zoo but not for long.

Sal quit his job.

Now murr's up.

My name is James.

I'm a zookeeper.

What this crowd doesn't know

is that Murray cannot take this

job anymore, and he is about to

have a breakdown.

And you've seen these guys

already, right?

Anybody know how fast they can

swim underwater?

You know what?

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

You know, I'm sorry, guys.

I... i can't do this.

I quit...

It's because of all this

penguin drama.

Because of all the penguin

drama.

The rest is all you, buddy.

Good luck.

I'll tell you... it's hard

working here.

I've been here for four years

now working in this zoo, and the

penguin drama is just really

hard.

It's ridiculous.

I've had it with you!

I've had it with you!

I've had it with you!

Everything in the world is not

black and white!

Save the drama for your penguin

mama!

He expects to win the crowd

over by berating cute little

animals?

He's going the complete wrong

direction.

This one pooped in my shoe on

purpose last week.

I've had it, and I quit!

Who's had enough of the penguin

drama?

Who's with me?

No one?

No, little girl.

That's not the answer I was

hoping for.

I'm standing here as a

zookeeper, saying, "who's with

me quitting today?"

Who?!

It's people like you are the

reason that this penguin drama

goes on and on and on.

I'm feeding them fish.

You're feeding their egos!

He's now berating them.

The whole goal is to get them to

cheer with him.

Come on. You're killing me.

My friend, you played that

horribly wrong.

That didn't work at all.

Narrator: Murr's not a good

quitter, but he is a good loser.

Coming up, what's got tonight's

big loser running for his life?

Today we're teaming up to

drop some prehistoric knowledge,

giving lectures as dinosaur

experts.

It's team Indiana versus

team "Jurassic park."

But here's the thing... we

don't know Jack about dinosaurs,

and our presentations have been

made by the other team.

At the end, we'll ask the

audience to raise their hands if

they'd like to take another

class with us.

Whichever team gets the

fewest hands raised is extinct.

Snakes!

We hate snakes!

Why are you limping?

I mean, I got a walking

stick.

What do you want me to do?

You look like an eccentric

billionaire who owns his own

island.

Welcome to

staten island.

Hey, guys, how are you?

Hi. Welcome.

Have a seat, please.

Thank you for joining.

We are here to give a little

presentation on dinosaurs.

All right, let's get started,

then.

So, "dinosaurs: Ancient history

and cutting-edge science."

We're gonna start at the

beginning and build up from

there.

"Evolutionary chart."

Yeah, all right.

Okay.

Apparently, I can't even make it

to human.

You'll get there one day.

We all have our downfalls.

Moving on.

"Wang..."

"Wang length by dinosaur."

We travel around to all

different zoos, museums, and we

get questions, you know, like,

"dinosaurs were huge."

"How big were their wangs?"

"How big were their wangs?"

The stegosaurus is just

embarrassing.

Right.

Big brain. Little wang.

We all went to high school.

We all had... you know, you go

out on a date.

You going on first base.

First base is up top... here.

Right.

Everything that's above.

Second base, we're looking at

those.

The t-Rex couldn't get to second

because...

How you gonna get them

ta-tas?

Excuse me.

Yes, dear.

Whoa!

Wow.

Oh, my god.

I feel very weird now.

So, that is our presentation

today.

Okay, now let me just ask how

many... by a show of hands...

Would take a follow-up class

with us?

One, two.

Not even half.

We're going to cruise control

on this one.

We spared no expense.

Let's do it, Indiana.

Oh, there you go.

Two Dr. Joneses right there.

Sorry if I'm out of breath,

guys.

I just ran from a Boulder.

Hi, folks. How are you?

Come on in.

Come on in. Have a seat.

We're going to take you

through a presentation... facts

that you may or may not know

about dinosaurs.

Here we go.

Okay.

"New dinosaur species are still

being discovered today."

They estimate there may be as

much as 1,000 more species still

undiscovered.

Next slide.

Cute dinosaur jokes that I

wrote.

Uh...

This woman's falling asleep.

This woman is falling asleep.

The woman is falling asleep!

She's asleep! She's asleep!

I dino-bored her to sleep.

She's sleeping!

Fascinating, right?

That was actually its mating

ritual.

Find out where this is going.

There. Yeah.

Of course, we will show you the

dance.

This is actually how these

two idiots pick up girls in

bars.

She just woke up.

She's up now.

Okay, and then...

By a show of hands, how many

of you think you would take

another class with us?

Three.

Three! Ohh!

Okay.

All right.

I'm impressed.

Narrator: Q and sal got

fossilized, making sal tonight's

big loser.

We're in the middle of a

cornfield, and, sal, for your

punishment, all you have to do

is get from one side of the

cornfield to the other.

The only rules are you've got

to hang on to that guide rope.

Guys, I tell you right now,

if it's a haunted maze

is gonna go down because i'm

gonna punch someone.

I don't take haunts well.

Look out!

If there's one thing sal

hates more than germs and cats,

it's haunted houses, ghouls.

Getting scared is like his

worst fear.

I'm telling you right now...

If there's monsters in there...

You're acting like a child.

Even if they're not real

monsters and they just tickle

you instead, I'm ticklish, too.

I'll still punch if I'm getting

tickled.

There's tickle monsters in

the cornfield.

Busted. We're busted.

Grab the rope!

If someone comes at me...

This is expensive equipment?

Yes.

Hand on the rope!

Hand on the rope and get

walking!

If anybody comes out, i'm

liable to punch you, and I know

there's not such a thing as real

monsters, so...

Laugh it up, Murray, you

idiot.

If you're gonna jump out, be

prepared for a fight.

We purposefully didn't put

anything in the first twists and

turns.

Does anybody look up... what

about the ticks in here?

Ticks in a cornfield?

Nah. No.

They got bedbugs.

Aah!

Oh, my god.

What'd you scream at?

The corn keeps

hitting me in the head.

I'm so scared right now.

Oh... my... god!

There's a little girl in a dress

staring at me.

Who's the girl in the dress

staring at me?!

What girl in a dress?

There's a little girl in a

dress staring at me.

She's not supposed to be

there, buddy.

Well, she's there!

Is she a ghost?!

You lied! It's a haunted maze!

Guys, guys, I'm not walking

toward that little girl.

What are you talking about?!

Go! Follow the rope.

Holy

holy

dude, I'm scared out of my mind!

Did you pass her yet?

No, I'm staring at her!

Don't stare at her.

That gets her angry.

Guys, I'm not... ohh!

She's telling me to come to her!

You know what?

Let's just get it out in the

open.

You see, little girl, I will not

hesitate to punch you!

I can't go near her.

Oh, my god.

That's really weird.

You need to go find an adult.

I know I'm gonna look so stupid

on this camera.

Yeah.

I get it.

My face is gonna be like a big

fishbowl right in the camera

like, "ohh, aah!"

And I'm gonna run, and

everyone's gonna mock me.

You

oh, my god!

A air horn blew.

I fell on my face.

Hey, sal, you haven't seen

any birds in there or anything,

right?

No.

So, all right.

So, something's keeping those

birds away, I guess.

All right, cool. Thanks.

Ohh.

What is it?

It's a damn scarecrow!

Oh, that's why there's no

birds.

It's gonna jump right on me.

Oh, man.

I don't want to pass it.

I don't want to pass

it.

I am not walking past that

thing.

This is where it goes down, man!

I will take a swing at you!

Oh, this is the worst...

You son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch.

You ass

oh, god. Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

What the is that?!

That's not

enough!

It's not a sal punishment

without heaping piles of

it's just not.

I'm sinking in the

I'm sinking in the

this is all over me.

Oh, god.

I'm gonna throw up.

I smell like

What the does that mean?

No, no, no, no, no, no! Hat mean?

That's it, bud.

There you go, pal.

You did it.

You got to the end.

You got to the end.

Now you just got to figure out

the way out.

Guys, are you serious?

Yeah. Are you serious?

Yep.

That's it, bud.

There you go, pal.

I guess I'll just have to run

in one direction here.

Sal wants to run out of the

cornfield.

I bet you we can find a way to

make him run.

All right. All right.

I'm gonna get hurt!

Aah! Oh