Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

I'm surprised you didn't call in sick this morning, Fry.

Isn't it a special day?

No, just my birthday.

All I want is to enjoy the quiet desolation of space

for a few peaceful hours.

[all] Surprise!

Uh... 'Kay. This really wasn't...

Happy whatchacallit!

-Surprise! -Surprise!

Happy b-day, Fry.

Geez, how many people did you invite?

Only a few. Less than 40.

[all] Surprise!

Surprise, sailor.

[sighs] Thanks, everyone.

What's the matter, Fry? You look sick and so darn blue.

Chicken cordon bleu? [yelps]

I don't wanna talk about it.

[sniffles]

Attention, party people.

We got a Code 99: birthday boy unresponsive.

We need backup. So I'm gonna turn the music back up.

-[♪ upbeat music playing] -[crowd chattering]

Hey, please, just...

All right!

-[clanging] -[alarm blaring]

Emergency! All butts to battle cushions.

We're being pulled off course by some huge gravitational force.

A black hole!

Scruffy begs to differ.

I see it as more of a gray brown, or perhaps toasted umber.

Impact in three! I mean, one!

Is everybody okay? 'Cause I'm not.

[wind blowing]

Coming out.

Ow! [spitting]

We heard a girlish scream. Are you okay?

Did anyone else see that?

No, I was busy making a tourniquet out of my tiny, tiny shirt.

What kind of hellhole has Leela brought us to this time?

A barren wasteland devoid of life.

Like Fire Island after Labor Day.

There's literally nothing here,

except that tasteless suburban teardown.

[gasps] That's the tasteless suburban teardown I grew up in!

Whoa.

Weird. I was just repressing a memory of this.

It's set up exactly like my eighth birthday party.

The theme was game night afternoon.

What's wrong, son?

Worried about our boys in Grenada?

No, it's just I'm not very good at games, Dad.

I don't wanna lose on my birthday.

Oh, don't worry. Not everything in life is about winning,

but most things are. Almost everything.

[knocking on door]

[kids] Happy birthday!

Here's Josh Gedgie!

High five, best bud.

Oh, so close.

[both chuckle]

I can't believe it. Everything is exactly how it was.

Right down to the two-liter bottle of Dr. Peeper.

What kind of weirdos would go to the trouble of recreating

a low budget store brand birthday party?

It was we!

[all gasp]

He meant us. It was us!

I don't know, I thought "we" sounded better.

Look, never mind the grammar.

How did you big heads get my old house here?

I'ds likes to hears about the grammars.

Recreating Fry's house was mere child's play,

thanks to the power of our machine.

Behold!

It scours the minds of visitors for powerful memories of conflict.

And recreates those conflicts in every detail.

Today we shall reenact Philip J. Fry's eighth birthday party,

including all the thrilling children's games he played.

I do enjoy Twister.

No Twister!

You wouldn't believe what the mean kids used to twist.

Then we shall begin with the classic yet copyright-free game,

Barrel of Primates!

Who's ready to link monkey parts?

-Me! -I am!

They call me "monkey breath" for a reason.

Longest chain wins.

Players, start your chains!

You shall play as two traditional teams of 17.

Only instead of boring plastic pieces, you shall be the primates.

Kindly enter the barrels when ready.

[all screaming]

I'm ready now!

Let the game begin!

Uh, okay.

We should probably obey the heads.

[chuckles] This is kind of fun.

Dang, you must work out a lot.

I'm a leg. Every day is leg day.

-This is the end! -[all chattering]

I don't remember this being so hard when I was eight.

[all groaning]

Did we mention there's a twist?

I knew you were twist guys.

Oh, great. A pool of acid?

No, we are not monsters.

It's actually a highly alkaline liquid.

That's the twist.

It'll dissolve you twice as fast as acid!

But I have a fear of dissolving. How do we get down from here?

By falling, of course.

[all gasp]

For, in another twist, these party games shall be

to the death!

Although, we kinda guessed that from the bones.

Ooh, and it's a real barn burner.

Phil's the sentimental favorite, but the smart money's on four-eyes.

The name's Gedgie, and it may look close, but I've got the Gedge.

-[all gasp] -Fry's still in it.

[sneezes]

Look at him hook!

Impressive. But my superior dexterity will...

[grunts]

I won at something?

I hope my grandma's proud of me down in Hell.

Nice job, Phil, but I'll Gedge you next time.

-[both chuckle] -That never gets old.

[clamoring]

I say, I say, I don't know how much longer

these old hollow bird bones can hold out.

Why did you monsters dream this up? And are the streaming rights available?

Our motivations are three.

Mine is to gain knowledge by making people crash on our planet

and subjecting them to bizarre experiments.

As for me, I don't have any motivations.

And I have two motivations.

Gambling and making these cool masks.

Let the gambling begin!

50 quids on the red team.

A hundred quids on blue!

Listen up, people!

If we're going to survive, we all need to work together!

Or we can shake the other team's bar and make those losers fall first.

I vote for the shaking thing.

[blue team exclaiming]

Hey, stop it!

Cut it out, Bender. Cheating is against the rules.

There are no rules.

Oh, wait, here are the rules.

It just says fun for ages three to 99.

No wonder I'm not enjoying it!

Now hold on a minute.

According to the laws of calculus,

we might just be able to link chains to form a stable structure

known as a catenary. [grunts]

Damn, my dribbling and differentiating arm!

[all screaming]

Ugh.

It's okay. It's only water. Just as I foresaw.

Oh, wait.

[red team chattering]

[sobbing] That game was not fun!

Congratulations to the red team.

I'm sure you'll all want to celebrate with some birthday cake.

My parents and my grandmother are dead.

[sobbing]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Leela. Can I have their cake?

Where'd you get the snazzy candles?

Our machine made them.

Oh, right. Right.

The next game is a simple one.

Fry must blow out all the candles

in a single breath.

I can do that.

But there's a twist.

I like a good twist. That's what keeps the audience watching.

For each candle Fry doesn't blow out,

the corresponding player will die.

Wait, what? What?

Don't worry, guys. I'm actually really good at this.

[inhales sharply]

That's a lot of candles, old man. You'll never do it.

[blowing]

Ugh.

You did it!

Good going, brother!

Come on, gas bag! Blow your face off!

No fair. I've got about 12 wicks.

[scatting]

Look! He's still blowing somehow.

It's going out.

[exclaiming]

My only regret is not getting any cake!

[♪ music box playing]

And the winner of the Tri-State Musical Chairs championship

is Philip J. Fry!

Yay!

[♪ music box continues playing]

Ugh, it's been six hours.

Can't you at least play something a little catchier?

No. We have one song and we really like it.

Oh, breadcrumbs.

Nobody panic! Two to a seat!

You heard her, start panicking!

[all clamoring, grunting]

[exclaims]

[grunting]

Ow! Mom!

Wait!

Is that the end of the game?

[growling]

-[growls] -[players screaming]

[slurps]

[burps]

[all whimpering]

Who likes piñatas?

[chuckles]

Good try, Bartholomew.

No, it wasn't.

[grunting]

That's impossible.

It'd take all three Hulks to break that.

Incredible, She, and Hogan.

That's the first time I ever swung a bat and hit something!

Since no one likes candy,

we have filled our piñata with quids.

I like candy.

-[grunts] -Oh!

My husband is dead! I can't go on.

Okay.

That wasn't candy.

I didn't realize you were still alive.

Less yakking, more whacking!

[players grunting]

Guys, I'm good at this.

-The secret is backswing... -Ouch!

...and follow through.

Wh... Sorry.

I'm rich!

Finally, I can give up limbo and start a professional sex league.

[screaming]

Oh, no, my side piece!

[trumpeting]

And now for the penultimate game!

And then it will be over? This is the last game?

Penultimate means next to last.

You lose the vocabulary game!

Kiffy, no! [sobbing]

This fiendish game will be a treasure hunt

for these orbs of horsehide!

-Blernsballs? -No, baseballs.

My mom had balls signed by her favorite members of the 1962 Mets.

She hid them all over the house and we had to find them.

There are seven of you, but only four hidden baseballs.

That's all we had, and the machine can't make baseballs.

It's not magic, for God's sake.

Let the hunt begin!

I found a baseball in the moldy tangerines!

[sneezes]

One ball left, kids.

And it's the grand prize, signed by Choo-Choo Coleman himself.

It's as good as Gedgie's.

Don't bother. I already checked the fridge.

Yeah, but things get lost in there.

Just last night, we had bicentennial meatloaf,

red, white, and green.

A-ha!

-Way to go, Phil! -That's my boy!

But... but... but I searched every inch of that fridge.

Fry must be cheating.

That would explain why he's winning everything.

I am not a cheater!

I'm not.

Come on, Fry.

This was your house.

Please tell me where the baseballs are.

You want me to cheat?

I can't do that, Leela. I am not a cheater.

I'm not.

Oh, look-y, see what I found in the crawlspace!

Signed by both Bob Millers.

There's only one left.

Please, Fry. I know you don't wanna cheat,

but it's me, Leela,

the woman you occasionally say you love.

I always love you, Leela,

but there are two things I just can't do.

Almost anything, and cheat.

You're right.

You're sticking to your principles.

I'm proud of you.

[sobbing]

I've never cheated in my life. Never.

But I'll do it this once.

Well, he cheated. You win that bet.

Time to celebrate with a new mask!

[sniffles]

Please remember me as a guy who never, ever cheated,

until now.

As the last orb has been found, the hunt is over.

Winners, step forward.

You're not the winners. Who said you were the winners?

I forgot to mention the winners are the ones who don't find the baseballs.

That's on me, guys.

[yells, sobs]

Ooh, that was some impressive reverse cheating, Fry.

For the last time, I'm not a cheater.

Just shut up, Gedgie.

-I mean, Bendy. -Oh.

How dare you mangle my blessed name?

Whoa, whoa. Save it for the finale. A game which will be played

to the death!

They were all to the death!

The final game shall be a test of raw physical prowess.

Prepare yourselves

for a brutal, no holds barred match of...

Pin the Tail on the Donkey!

Aw, he's a cute little whatchacallit.

[growls]

Donkey.

The beast is clad in armor,

save for this tiny area on its rear.

It is the donkey's Achilles butt.

All its vital organs are clustered there.

Just like me.

Simply pin the tail on the butt

to slay the donkey and claim victory.

I'm shivering with excitement,

because this game involves masks!

Phil, smelly kid, it's down to you two.

-Yeah! -Go, Gedgie!

Whoo-hoo!

Yes. Everything's coming up Gedgie.

Beat that, REO Cheatwagon.

How's this for cheating?

-Watch out! -[kids exclaiming]

Well, I guess you can't win 'em

all?

Look at my boy!

You stabbed that donkey like a professional donkey stabber.

I'm so proud of you.

We'll go get your presents, so you can open them.

Aw, this party sucks!

Told you Fry was a cheater.

Happy birthday, Fry.

I hope you had fun cheating, 'cause nobody else did.

[crying]

But I didn't cheat.

I lost a best friend a long time ago 'cause he thought I was cheating

and I'm not gonna let it happen again.

I don't wanna lose you either, Fry.

So I'm gonna prove I'm not cheating.

-Gouge out my eyes! -Good idea!

Fry's suggestion is beyond horrific.

Therefore, we shall do it.

But to make the game fair, we shall remove the eyes of all the players!

Wait, hold on. What?

Fear not.

Our machine can remove eyes painlessly.

[groans]

Oops. Sorry. I stepped on your foot.

It's okay. I'm fine.

Let the animal abuse begin!

[roars]

All right, you monster whosit.

I'm going to stick this doohickey where the deal-y don't whatsit.

[growls]

I'm sorry I called you a cheater, buddy.

Thanks, Bender. What do you say we team up and go out fighting?

I say, "Yeah, baby! Friends to the end."

[both yelling]

My vital ass organs!

You are a cheater.

Bender? Bender?

Congratulations, Philip J. Fry.

You are the winner.

Return his eyes

that he might gaze upon the horror he has wrought,

and the confetti.

[sobbing]

[coughing]

-[grunts] -[groans]

Well, that's that. I gotta get to church.

The games are now complete.

The winner is her. Whoever she is.

We thank the players for their efforts.

[all chattering]

How the shmeck are we alive?

The machine can easily bring people back to life.

Did I not mention that either?

Farewell!

Well, that was the second worst birthday party I ever had.

All I ever wanted was for people to believe I'm not a cheater.

We believe you, Fry.

Yeah, seeing as how that old lady killed you so easy.

You went down like a sack of shoes.

I sure did. Thank you, everybody.

Group hug. Come on, group hug!

Uh, you really think a games party is a good idea?

I mean, Phil's not much of a competitor.

Yeah, I know.

He still can't work a zipper,

but he's my son and I love him.

And I wanna give him a birthday

that'll leave him feeling like a winner for once.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

♪ When I think about what you've become ♪

♪ I feel sorry for your mum ♪

♪ You say we're all having fun ♪

♪ Do you know you're the only one? ♪