All language subtitles for Friends Effing Friends Effing Friends (2016)

("Just The Start", by
Martin Felix Kaczmarski)

- [Man] I got it.

- [Woman] No, you
got the last one.

- Don't worry about
it. I want to.

- We can't have you spending
all your money on us.

- Babe, we both know his
father pays that credit card.

- I still have a limit.

- Mmhmm...

- Anyway, thank you,
dinner was delicious...

Even if I was forced to suffer

through memories of your
homosexual childhoods.

- Babe, we weren't homosexual,
we were just... Experimental.

- Hey, there's nothing
to be ashamed of, bro.

- Oh, shut up. This
is all your fault.

- Mine?! You're the
one who brought it up.

- Yeah, but it was you who
started us being that way.

- How?

- Look at my penis. Is
something wrong with my penis?

Let me see your penis.

Why is your penis so
much bigger than mine?

- Come on, I never
said your penis

was bigger than mine... Now
you're just being absurd.

- Of course, my penis
is bigger than yours.

It is a fact that
uncircumcised penises grow up

to an inch-and-a half longer
than circumcised ones.

- No, it is a fact that
ten out of ten women

who sleep with a guy who
has an uncircumcised penis,

wish that his parents had
had his penis circumcised.

- All right, let's
bring this back.

- Are you saying your penis
is prettier than mine?

- My penis is definitely
prettier than your penis.

- Bullshit!

- My penis could be a runway
model, it's so pretty.

I have the Kate Moss of penises.

- Well, if your
penis is Kate Moss,

my penis is Tyra Banks: tall,
full-bodied and gorgeous.

- So, your penis is black?

- No! But, it is definitely
comparable in size

of the average black penis.

- Would you guys
stop saying penis?

- Yeah? Well, what good is it,

if all it can model
are turtle necks?

- I still can't believe
you both used to

mess around with boys.

- Babe, we were nine, we
hadn't even hit puberty yet

A lot of guys go through this.

- Yeah, they're
called homosexuals.

- Ok, it would have
been with girls,

but after eight-years-old,
parents started restricting us

from their daughters'
bedrooms, so naturally

guys were the only thing
that were available.

- [Woman] So, J,
when are you finally

gonna start dating again?

- [J] I don't know.

Between work

and hanging out with you guys

I don't have time
to meet someone.

Besides, you don't meet
a good girl in a bar.

- Steve met me in a bar.

- I know...

- What are you
laughing at? Defend me!

- Bad Jacob!

- Oh, hey, I meant to mention,

my very good girl friend, Sarah,

just wrote a biography
about her grandfather

and she doesn't have the
first clue about editing it.

So I thought maybe
you could help her?

- Sure. Tell her to drop
by my place, any day.

- Great! Maybe this
will be the project

to help you realize
your full potential.

- Babe... That's rude!

- What? Jacob knows I think
he's wasting his talents

at that slacker magazine.

- Ok. Let me check
out the project

and see if I'm even suitable.

- You're the smartest
person I know.

Of course you're suitable.

- Babe, again... Really?

- Oh, shut up, dummy.

- Okay, come on...

(Mexican music)

- Hello?

- [Jacob] Come in.

- Hi, Jacob?

- Yeah?

- [Sarah] I'm Sarah,
Laura's friend.

- Oh, yeah. Hi.

- Is this a bad time,
because I could come back?

- No, absolutely not.

Here. Come, have a seat.

- Did Laura tell you
what I'm working on?

- Oh, right, work, yeah...

She mentioned you were writing

a biography on your grandfather?

Was he someone I would know?

- Probably not. He
ghostwrote most of the time.

Though if you've read a
lot about human sexuality,

you may have unknowingly
read some of his work.

- I wouldn't say a lot, but
I wrote my senior AP thesis

on the Kinsey Reports
when I was in high school.

- That's so weird. My
grandfather actually

coauthored those with
Alfred and Wardell...

- You know, you are
really beautiful.

- Oh... Hmm...

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to make you uncomfortable.

- No, no, it's fine,
I've just never

been very good at
taking compliments.

But I think a lot of people
are like that, you know?

- Sorry. I wasn't listening
to a word you're saying,

'cause I was fantasizing
about kissing you.

- Laura said you're
a terrible flirt.

- Oh yeah, what else
did she say about me?

- Just that you're top
notch, and she thought

you'd be a perfect
fit for the job.

- Well, while I appreciate
Laura's faith in my abilities,

I have to say, I mean,
in full disclosure,

I've never actually
edited a biography before.

But, I'll gladly
take a look and...

- Shit!

- What is it?

- I just realized
I totally forgot

to bring the manuscript with me.

- [Jacob] That's okay.
You can send me the file

or drop it off another time.

- I'm so absentminded sometimes,

I can't believe I did that.

- Honestly, it's no big deal.

I mean, I could
even come pick it up

from you, whatever's easiest.

- Do you wanna come to my place

for dinner on Friday night?

- Oh, uhhh...

- [Sarah] I mean, only
if you wanted to...

It's just, usually I cook
dinner for my roommate,

Camille, and myself,
but she's moving soon,

so she's going out with
some friends instead.

And, I was just thought I
could give it to you then,

but, no pressure.

- I would love to
come for dinner.

- [Sarah] Then it's settled.

I'll send you a
text with my address

and I'll see you
Friday at seven.

- Perfect.

Why is it that I'm
just meeting Sarah?

Where the fuck have you
guys been hiding her?

- We haven't been hiding her,

she just got out of
a long relationship.

- I'm pretty sure
that can't be good.

- Don't worry about
it, it was months ago.

Now, listen, I got to
tell you some shit.

- Ok. Rub 'n tug stories, it is.

- Yes, now focus...

Remember the legit
spot I mentioned,

the nail salon, over on Windsor?

- [Jacob] Yeah.

- Ok, so I go in
there to get a massage

and everything's
on the up-and-up,

no funny business,
which is annoying,

because the girl
giving me this massage

was this smoking hot, forty
year-old, Italian cougar.

So, I'm getting the massage,
she's rubbing my back,

my shoulders, whatever.

And then, and I'm telling
you, anywhere else

I would have been
expecting this,

she takes off my towel, starts
rubbing my inner thighs,

starts massaging my
ass crack and then

she starts tonguing
my balls' sack.

- Get out! She
licked your balls?!?

- Yeah, yeah. Believe me,
I was equally as surprised.

It took me everything to not
just blow my load right then.

- So, what happened?

- Then she took off her
top and I started playing

with her tits and
then we made out.

- You made out with her?!

- I know, it was
stupid, but she was

so fuckin' hot I didn't care.

- Jesus Christ! Then what?

- Then she took off her pants
and I fucked her on the table!

- Please tell me
you wore a condom!

- Well, here's the capper:

being a legit place,
she didn't have one.

- You went bare back?
Are you fucking crazy?

- I didn't go bare back.

I don't have a death wish.

But what they did have were
those rubber surgical gloves,

so she put one of those on me,

strapped it tight
with a rubber band.

- All right, what's going on?

- I think I'm just
trying to avoid the fact

that it's getting time

to settle down with Laura.

- What settle down?

You guys have been
together for five years.

- I know, but, she's been
mentioning marriage lately.

And, the weird thing
is, I don't even know

why I wouldn't marry her.

You know I have a "Don't
ask, don't tell" policy,

I do whatever I
want on the side,

it's not like much would change.

- I honestly don't
know how you do it.

- Anyway, what were you
going to say about Sarah?

- Nothing, just
that she invited me

for dinner Friday.

Usually she eats
with her roommate,

but the roommate's
going out of town

or something, I don't know...

- Oh, yeah, Camille. Wait
until you meet her too,

she is so fucking hot! I
would literally let her

piss in my mouth after
drinking a carton of vinegar.

Literally.

So, you're going, right?

- I said I would, but I'm
having second thoughts,

I'm worried it's
gonna be weird, so,

as usual, you
know... I don't know.

- Why would it be weird?
She obviously likes you.

- You really think so?

- No, she has everyone
she hires come over

on Friday night and
cooks dinner for them.

Yes, she likes you!
That's how girls do it.

They're slick like that. And,
anyway, she's totally loaded.

Her dad's in oil or
natural gas or whatever.

I approve.

- Oh, well, if you approve...

Oh, by the way, Laura is
coming over for lunch tomorrow,

so I can thank her
for the business.

- Perfect. That means I'm
free to learn more Italian.

Thanks.

- I'm not doing this for you.

- Well, thank you, anyway.

- Lock it.

- There we go.

- Fuck, she licked your balls?

- Hey, listen, can I talk
to you about something?

- What? Like more about
my underachievements?

- No, shush... But,
it is about Steve,

and it would be off the
record, so I just wanted

to make sure that that
would be okay with you?

- I mean, I'm friends
with both of you.

- Yeah, I know, but...

- It's fine. I don't
tell Steve everything.

- I think he's having an affair.

- What makes you think that?

- He's just been acting
so different lately,

he's been coming home
later from work and

stepping out to use his phone,

and, I know this is
gonna sound so nuts,

but he smelled like this
perfume the other day

that you can't even
get in America.

I tried it on last year
when we went to Italy.

Anyway, I know that
you guys are friends,

and I would never say
that you said anything,

but I just had to ask
is anything going on?

- I think this is
probably the kind of thing

that you two should talk about

between the two
of you, you know?

- I mean, I know that
he's cheated before,

but those were minor,
one-time occurrences so...

- [Jacob] If you
knew he cheated,

then why are you still with him?

- I don't know... 'cause
it's like you said,

I mean, it's impossible

to meet somebody.

You got to get used
to their eating habits

and their sleeping
habits, and really

the whole thing is just
a huge pain in the ass.

- [Jacbo] So, laziness?

- Basically.

- [Jacbo] You see,
it's philosophies
like that that make me

not wanna to be in a
long-term relationship.

- No, that's you not
wanting to grow up,

which is tied into your fear
of intimacy and commitment.

- Let's not forget
my fear of death.

- Which I completely understand.

- I just don't think
people are meant to be

in long-term relationships.

- You honestly don't think
that there's any deeper meaning

or value to be gained from
being in a long-term commitment?

Really?

- Maybe for some.

But, I mean, how can
you gain deeper meaning,

when you suspect that your
partner is cheating on you?

- I'm so confused.

- Just talk to Steve. I'm
sure whatever is going on

can be explained or dealt with.

- Yeah, you want that
fucking carrot, don't you?!

(screaming)

- You know, a little while
ago I had a crush on you?

- Get out of here...

- I did. And I thought that
you had a little one on me.

- You're my best
friend's girlfriend.

- Which only makes it
all the more natural.

Not that we ever would've
acted on it or anything.

- Okay, maybe, but this
isn't a safe subject.

- I mean, I always
just figured that

you had your chance and passed.

- Passed what? What
are you talking about?

- I met you first
before I met Steve.

- See, now I know
you're fool of shit,

because you fucking hated
me when we first met.

- I did not hate you. I just
thought that you were a snob.

- Oh.

- Anyway, it doesn't even matter
now, 'cause I'm with Steve.

And he's never gonna marry me

and I know he's cheating on me.

You know, I have been
impossibly busy lately.

I wouldn't even blame
him for cheating.

- Please, just talk to him.

- Yeah, I know you're right.

Hey, I'm sorry.

- Hey, you've nothing
to be sorry about.

- Thanks.

- Fuck me! Harder!

- Faster!

I'm coming.

You are something special.

- [Woman] No, you are
something special.

(phone vibrating)

What?

- Where's the remote?

- I don't know.

- Where's the remote?

- I don't know. Who cares?

(phone vibrating)

What's the big deal?

- Shush! Shush!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

(water splashing)

(phone ringing)

- Wasssup mutha-fuckuh?

- [Laura] (crying)

- Steve?

- He's definitely
cheating on me.

- I'm still a little lost.

- I thought we
had plans tonight,

so I texted him and
when I didn't hear back

by like the fifth text,
I decided to call.

And then I heard his phone
ringing in the living room,

so I went and found it,

and I thought he must
have left it here,

so naturally I hung up.

And then, I just sat
there like a jerk,

for, like, 20 minutes,

trying to remember
"Did we have plans?"

and where is Steve, and my
suspicions got the best of me,

and I looked through
his call log,

and I saw that he
called the same number

like ten times a day and
always at cheating times.

- Cheating times?

- Like before work or at
lunch or during breaks,

or after work when he said
he was working, that fucker!

Anyway, I decided to
block my phone number

and I called and a girl
picked up the phone.

- Well, that doesn't
necessarily mean he's...

- (mumbling) I heard
him in the background,

clearly asking who
she was talking to.

Anyway, I freaked
out and I hung up.

- Oh, sweetie...

- I don't know what to do.

- Do you want to come
to dinner at Sarah's?

- No, I'll be fine.
Besides, I don't want to run

into Camille. I'm not exactly
the biggest fan of hers.

- Yeah, Steve mentioned that.

- Oh did he? Did the
fucking creep also mention

that he thinks she's hot
and he wants to fuck her?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have said that.

- It's okay.

- No, you go to dinner at
Sarah's and have a great time,

and I wanna hear all the
details when you get back.

- Okay. Well, call me if
you need anything, ok?

- Ok. Thank you for
always listening.

- Of course.

(car engine)

- You must be Jacob.

I'm Camille.

- Yes. Hi.

- Come on in.

Sarah ran to her room,
she'll be right back.

Make yourself comfortable.

(French gentle music)

- [Sarah] Ah, you're here...

- Hi.

- Hi.

You had any trouble
finding the place?

- No, not at all. It
smells amazing in here!

- Oh, that's just a
Bolognese recipe I've had

in the family for a hundred
years. It's nothing special.

Wine?

- Thank you. I'm sorry,

I should have totally
brought a bottle.

- No, this is my treat.
I just hope you're not

one of those carb-free
health freaks.

- What? Did Laura tell
you I'm manorexic?

- [Sarah] No, but I'm curious.

You are from LA
originally, and, well...

- Hey, are you're
looking for trouble?

- No, why, you got some?

- Oh man, I have trouble
coming out of my ears.

- [Camille] Sounds like trouble.

- There she is.

- Where are all
your hot friends?

- Don't listen to her,
she's plenty of suitors.

- A girl could
always use one more.

- You guys are funny.

- You don't know the half of it.

- Well, I'm certainly intrigued.

- Let's just say we know
for a fact that a chandelier

can't withstand a gorgeous,
drunk twenty-one year old.

- Hey, it was you who dared me!

- Why don't you
show Jacob around?

I'm gonna finish up dinner.

- Come with me.

And this is where we chill.

- What's this?

- Sarah made that.

- Wow, it's really cool.

- So, you're like a book
editor, or something?

- Actually, I'm like a
freelance copyeditor,

but more with magazines.

- Do you love it?

- I love words.

It's probably the most
under-appreciated job,

considering it's what truly
shapes a story in the end.

- Sometimes I wish I
could edit my life.

- I always say that.
You have no idea

how many pieces I would cut.

- I hope not too many.

- Well, certainly
not this moment.

I have to have
your phone number.

- I leave in a week.

- I have to see
you before you go.

- You're here to
hang with Sarah.

She's my closest friend.

- I never beg, but I am begging.

- I don't know...

- Please!

Please!

Wow, that was amazing.
Absolutely delicious.

I must have gained ten pounds
but it was totally worth it.

- [Sarah] You really do have
a weight issue, don't you?

- No, it's more like this
generic neurosis, you know,

that switches its focus from
this to that occasionally.

- Well, you look great.

- [Jacob] Thank you.

You know, you really
are something else.

- I'm never quite
sure what that means.

- No, I mean you're
smart, you're beautiful,

you're a great cook, and,
apparently a brilliant author.

- Well, I don't know
about brilliant, but, ok.

Come sit closer.

- Okay.

- I like you.

- I like you too.

(jazz music)

- J, I'm telling you...

This Italian chic
is a fucking freak!

And, trust me when I say,
you do not want to know

where that carrot was
before I fed it to her...

- Okay, okay, look, what the
hell are you talking about?

You just have to stop.

- I don't think I can.

- I'm telling you, you're
playing with fire, bro.

Laura's suspicious. She
asked if I knew anything.

- And what did you say?

- Nothing, of course. But
she's really upset, man.

- I'll deal with it. How
was dinner with Sarah?

- Really good, actually.
Sarah's awesome.

There's just one snag: I totally
like her and we made out,

and had fun, but I met
Camille, and, Jesus Christ!

I understand the vinegar now.

- Let it go. Don't mess
this up with Sarah,

if you get in good with
her, you'll be set.

- You keep saying that, but
I don't care about the money.

And besides who are you to
be telling me to let it go?

- I'm just saying,
Sarah is a great catch.

Don't ruin it for a girl who
is leaving town in a week.

- But, I just have to
put my cock in Camille.

- And how are you gonna do
that? I've been dropping hints

on her for two years, and
nothing. It will never happen.

- Maybe not. Going out with
her tonight, though. So...

- What? No way!

- I'm serious.

- Okay, look... I never
ask you for anything, but,

please, can I hide in
your closet tonight?

- Shut the fuck up...

- I'm totally serious,
I'll be completely silent.

I don't even have
to see everything.

I'll just peak out after
you lead her to the bed.

- Okay, anyone willing
to look at my naked ass,

in order to see a
hot chick get fucked,

has some serious issues.

- She's not just
hot, she drips sex.

I mean, I'm not into fecal
play, believe me I'm not,

I'm not even sure
how that works,

but I would totally let
her shit on my chest.

- Dude, you are fucking
out of control these days!

Now, seriously,
knock off this crap

with the Italian
before you get caught.

- I can't, okay... Look,
I know Laura's great

and I love her to death,

but if I have to have
sex with just her...

- No, I get it. You just
have to make up your mind,

because, I'm telling
you, she knows.

- Tell me the truth: did
you say something to her?

- No! Never. It's just
girls know this shit,

even if they don't
trust their intuition,

girls almost always know.

And, frankly, if men were
just more honest with women...

- What?! No! Women
don't want honesty.

They don't, believe me.

- Ok, whatever.

Just talk to Laura
and reassure her, ok?

- And you stay
away from Camille.

- Okay, I'll talk to you later.

- I'm kidding; do
whatever you want.

(door closing)

- Hey, babe.

- What the fuck is this?

- Where did you get that?

- In your pants.

- Why were you going
through my stuff?

- I was doing the
laundry, you asshole!

Now, whose number is that?

- I don't know.

- [Laura] Bullshit!

- Calm down.

- No, I will not fucking
calm down until you explain

why there's a girl's number
hidden in your pants!

- You are being so paranoid,
and so crazy right now.

I'm not talking to you
until you calm down.

- Whose number is it Steven?

- It's a friend's number, okay?

- No, it's not okay. It
is far from being okay!

Who is she?

- See, I knew you
would react this way

if I mentioned her,
so I never did.

- Is she someone from work?

Did you meet her on the
street? Or in a bar?

- I just know her from around.

- What does that mean?

- You know, I do go out
without you sometimes.

- Yeah, and now I
know what you do.

- You are so fucking
far off base with this,

it's not even funny.

- Oh yeah? Then explain it.

And explain why you denied

knowing what it was
in the first place.

- No.

- This is not over, Steven.
Where are you going?

- To make a drink, okay, Laura?

Or is that too suspicious
for you as well?

- No, you are not gonna make
me out to be the paranoid,

crazy one here.

- Oh, believe me, you don't
need my help for that.

- You're such a coward and
you're such an asshole!

- And you are way
too insane right now

and I don't appreciate
the implications.

- Yeah, well I don't hear
you denying them either.

- What do you want
me to do? Tell you

that I never look or talk to
other women when I go out?

- I just want you to
be honest with me.

- No, you want me to fuck
up, so you can hold it over

my head like you
did the last time,

- It sounds like
you're projecting.

And I'm not the one whose
actions are in question here.

- I didn't do anything.

- I know you did something!

- [Steve] Oh yeah?
How do you know?

- Because I called this
number when you left

your phone here and
a girl picked up.

- [Steve] So what?
A girl answered.

- I heard you in the background,

asking who she was talking
to, you fucking pig!

- Oh, so you went
through my phone

and you snuck around and now
you're feeling suspicious?

See, it all makes sense to me.

No, you're not turning
this around on me.

You are fucking cheating again,

and I am not standing
for it this time.

I want you out of my house!

- Where am I gonna go?

- I don't give a shit.

And you should have
thought about that

before you went fuck some whore.

- Fuck you!

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to sleep. I'll
talk to you in the morning.

You are way too
fucking nuts right now.

- I want you out of
this goddamn house

by tomorrow, Steven!

- [Steven] You got it, babe!

(door slamming loudly)

(lively music)

(gentle music)

- Hey!

- The door was open
so I let myself in.

- Wow, you look fucking amazing!

- I shouldn't be here, you know?

- Yeah. I know.

- Just so we're clear...

(sexy music)

- So, you don't
want to just talk?

- Oh, no...

(sexy music)

- Oh, fuck, that feels so good!

- How did they separate them?

- A janitor brought
over turpentine,

I had to soak my hands in it.

It stunk for like a week.
My dad was so angry...

- Here! Maybe this will work.

- Thanks.

Where's the little traveler now?

- She's done with Barcelona,
and on her way to Madrid,

and apparently having
the time of her life.

- Did she ask about
me? I'm just kidding...

- Actually, yes.

- Really?

- Well, she asked if
we're still together.

- And, are we?

- Oh, shut up.

- I'm joking...

So, what do you want to do

for the rest of the day?

- Can we just stay home
and relax before dinner?

- Yeah, sure. Maybe
we can have a nap.

- I know what you mean by that

and that is not a
nap... But, yes.

- It is not gay.

Every growing boy shows
each other their penises,

even your grandfather
even said so.

- [Sarah] This definitely
qualifies at least

a two on the scale.

- I'm sorry I'm late.

- Sweetie, are you okay?

- Where is Steve?

- We just got into a
huge fight in the car,

and he's not coming.

- Oh, sweetie...

- [Laura] I just feel
like such a jerk.

- What happened?

- Maybe she doesn't
want to talk about it.

- Well, a few months ago, I
caught him cheating on me,

although he denied it entirely
and made me feel crazy.

Then we were on our way here
and I was just so excited

and grateful to be having dinner

just the four of us,
and, out of nowhere,

he said he was all packed up

and that it wasn't
working for him

and that it hasn't
been for a long time

and that he was gonna leave
as soon as dinner was over.

I don't even have my
keys, because he drove.

- Oh, sweetie, don't
worry about the keys.

Did you know about this?

- No.

- Okay, here's what
we're gonna do:

we're gonna order
our food to go,

we're gonna go to my place,

we'll pick up a couple
bottles of wine on the way,

we'll hang out and watch
a movie or something.

- No, I don't wanna be a burden
and ruin your guys' night.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Yeah, you're never a burden.

- Are you sure?
Because that's exactly

what Steve called
our relationship.

- Well, although I love Steve,

he is just a total
dick for saying that.

- Yeah, fuck Steve!
Let's just get the waiter

and get some food
and get out of here.

- Okay, that sounds really
good, 'cause I'm really hungry.

What do you call
this site again?

- [Jacob] How are you not
familiar with The Box?

- I'm terrible with computers.

- You should totally
play it at the bookstore.

- I wouldn't even
know how it works.

- It's super easy: you
just go to the website

and you type in an artist name
or genre, and you're done.

- Does it connect
to my speakers?

- [Jacob] I could
help you set that up.

- More wine?

- [Laura] Yes, please.

More.

Thank you.

You guys are too
far away from me.

- [Jacob] We're
right next to you.

- I know, but you're on
that sofa and I'm over here

all by my lonesome.

- Well, get over here, silly.

- Ok.

- [Sarah] If you could stand.

- That's better.

- Everything's gonna be okay.

- You promise?

- Yes!

- I love you guys! You guys
are like my best friends.

- Awww, come here.

- [Jacob] Mmmmm...

Oh, I mean, I'm up
for anything, but...

- [Sarah] Don't ruin
this with talking.

(sexy French music)

- Oh man, I've such
a bad headache.

- [Laura] It's been a long time

since we've done
something like that.

- You've done that before?

- [Laura] She certainly has!

- Wait a minute... When?

- I told you I experimented
quite a bit in college.

- We both did.

- Man, I knew I should
have matriculated.

- What? Do I have
something on my face?

- I'm suddenly
racked with guilt.

- [Jacob] Trust me, I've
already thought about this.

I think it's best if we just

never mention this to anyone.

- [Laura] Agreed.

- Sarah?

- I'm not gonna say anything.

I just don't think Steve
deserves defending.

He was such an asshole.

- He wasn't that bad.

- [Sarah] Yeah, he was!
He deserves whatever

he gets from cheating on you.

- Granted. But, I
could do without him

knowing I betrayed him.

- Betrayed him? He cheat,

he broke up with
her; she's single.

- I know, but it's just
sort of an unwritten code,

that you don't fuck your
best friend's exgirlfriend.

Especially not the
night they broke up,

certainly not in a three-way.

- I understand.

But Steve's a shit and Laura
deserves to have a good time

and we got a good time
last night, right?

- I did.

- [Sarah] Jacob?

- Umm... Yeah?... Yes. Yeah.

- Good.

Then, since that's never
gonna happen again,

there's no reason to
discuss it any further.

- [Jacob] Perfect.
- [Laura] Great.

- Good. Let's all hug and
then Laura, you're gonna go.

- [Laura] That
sounds right to me.

Have you guys seen my dress?

- [Voiceover] Our first interest
in creating the scale...

Well, I should say,
Alfred's first interest,

came about one evening
while four of us guys

were sitting around,
after a late dinner,

and we had all had a
bit too much to drink,

and the discussion
of size came up,

which lead us to talking
about whether or not,

as males, we found
penises, in general,

to be erotic or repulsive.

Well, as it was, three
of the four of us said

we found them to be
erotic, and so, naturally,

we all decided
that the next step

would be to show each other...

- What is that shit?

- Jesus Christ!

When did you get in here?

- What the fuck are
you listening to?

- It's this interview
with Sarah's grandfather.

He's actually quite
an impressive thinker,

and such a character.

Are you alright?

- I just can't believe how badly

I've fucked things up this time.

- Yeah, well, as you
said, you sabotaged it.

- I know, but... I miss her.

She won't even take my calls.

- [Jacob] Yeah, you
can't really blame her.

- Hey, I came here
to feel better.

- [Jacob] Yeah, well I'm
not gonna lie to you,

because that's not gonna
make you feel better.

- I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

- [Jacob] You're gonna
to do what you gotta do.

You're gonna take some time
to heal, you're gonna learn

your lesson, you're
gonna move on.

- [Steve] Why are you
being so forceful?

- What are you talking about?

- [Steve] You're acting
differently than usual.

It's like you're
taking her side.

- I'm not taking anyone's side.

You're both my friends, but
you really screwed up, man.

- Have you seen her?

- What are you getting at?

- Just wondering.

- Of course I've seen her.

She's one of Sarah's
best friends,

she comes over the
house to hang out.

- And you didn't
think to tell me this?

- For what purpose?

Besides, I figured you
were just hanging out

with the Italian, anyway.

- That's been over for weeks.

- I didn't know that.

Look, you have to
move past this.

Obviously, I can't
speak for Laura,

but she's moving on, or
at least she's trying to.

- What do you mean? Is she
seeing someone already?

- Not that I know of.

- Don't fucking
lie to me, Jacob.

- I'm not lying.

- How often does she go
over to Sarah's house?

- Dude, what are you doing?

- Tell me how often, man.

- Two, three nights a week.

- So you've been
hanging out with Laura

this whole past month?

- No, I haven't been
hanging out with Laura.

She's been there to
hang out with Sarah.

I just happen to
sleep there, a lot,

so I see her, that's it.

(phone ringing)

- Who was that?

- Sarah.

- You could've answered it.

- Will you stop being so crazy?

You came over here to
talk, we're talking.

I'll call Sarah back.

- You're right, I'm sorry.

Fuck.

- Dude, you want my advice?

Go out, try to get laid,
get a rub n' tug, whatever.

Let some time pass.

Once her anger has subsided,
maybe she'll realize

how much she misses you
and she may come around,

but, nothing is gonna
change before that.

- Yeah, I guess.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

- It's gonna be fine.

- Maybe I'll stop
by Sarah's later,

to see you and I run into Laura.

- No. Bad idea. Just
give it some time.

Besides, Sarah's pissed
how you treated Laura.

Just let everything
blow over first.

- Fine.

(door closing)

(phone call dialing)

(phone ringing)

- There you are.

- Steve was here when you
called, he's really upset.

- [Laura] I don't
wanna talk about Steve.

- Okay. What's up?

- Umm... Well, I
was thinking maybe

you could come over later?

- If this is to set
up those speakers,

can we just do
that another night?

- It's not to set
up my speakers.

I'm actually not even
at the bookstore,

I'm home.

I want to talk to you

about something
kind of important

and I wanted to do
it in person, so...

I could order Chinese food,

we could just like eat and chat.

- I don't know,
I'm supposed to...

- [Laura] Please!
Please! Please! Please!

- Okay.

- Thank you!

(phone ringing)

- Hey Baby. What's up?

- Hey. I just found
out I have dinner

with a potential client tonight.

- Oh, that sucks. I just
started preparing dinner for us.

- Really? Oh, you know what?

Forget about it. I'll tell
them I can't do it tonight.

- [Sarah] No, don't do that.
Work is work. You should go.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm positive. We
can have dinner any night.

- Well, should I come
over your place after

or should I just
stay in mine tonight?

- [Sarah] No, no, come
over. But, don't rush.

- You're the best.

- [Sarah] I love you.

- Ok. Bye.

Oh, man, I can't believe
what I said to her.

And an old lady, no less.

But she was being so indignant,

I had to stick up for the
poor cashier, you know?

- So, as I said
before, I really need

to talk to you about something.

- Yeah, what's
up? Why so urgent?

- I really don't know how
to say what I wanna say.

- Just say it.

- [Laura] It's kind
of embarrassing.

- You're talking to penis boy.

- Okay.

Remember last month
when we all...

- Yeah?

- Ok. Fuck it. I really
liked the way that you felt

and I would really
like to see you again.

And I realize I'm being a huge
hypocrite by asking you to go

behind Sarah's back the
way Steve went behind mine,

and she is my best friend,
but I had to put it out there.

And maybe when we do it,

we'll find out that we
shouldn't take it any further,

and that's totally fine.

Or maybe I'm just
trying to justify it

because we've already had sex,

and, either way, I
really don't think

I can know until we try
and I really need to know.

So, I guess what
I'm asking you is

will you make love to me alone?

- Wow... That's quite the offer.

- Ok, forget it. That
was really stupid.

- Yes. I would love to
make love to you alone.

Just not tonight.

- No, not tonight. What kind
of girl do you take me for?

I never have sex with
someone on a first date.

- Oh, this is a date, huh?

- Fuck you.

No, it's not a date.

- What's wrong?

- I feel like we haven't been
connecting as well lately.

- I'm sorry. It's just
been work, it's been...

- No, I'm not blaming
you. I just miss you

staying over the
last couple of weeks.

- I've just been
finishing so late.

- I was planning on
making dinner tonight,

but only if you're free...

- I just have to go
finish a few chapters,

and the magazine sent over
some stories for me to edit.

It should only take
a couple of hours.

- So, let's just say
you'll be back here

for dinner at seven?

- Yeah. Hey, maybe we could
even see a movie afterwards.

- Sure, let's just
play it by ear.

- Yes.

- Camille?

- Aren't you gonna tell
me how good I look?

- You look fucking edible.

- Shut up and hug
me before your woman

comes and sees you drooling.

- What are you doing here?

- I could go...

- No, no, I just
had no fucking idea.

- [Sarah] Nice surprise, huh?

- When? How? When?
How long did you know?

- Just a few days.

- I don't know why
anyone would be excited

to see little ol' me.

- Oh, shut up.

Camille is gonna be staying
with us while she's home.

I mean, assuming you're
gonna be staying here too.

- What do you say?

- Great! I mean, cool.

I mean, I might stay here
some of those nights.

- Then it's settled.

Let's go eat dinner
before it gets cold!

- [Camille] I only regret
not going to Bilbao,

but I definitely will next time.

- But, for now, you're back.

- [Camille] Well, for
a week, maybe two,

then it's off to New
York to see my father,

and then back to Europe
for another couple months.

- Then what?

- [Camille] I
haven't decided yet.

- Well, you know you're at the
perfect age to be doing this.

- [Camille] Honestly, I
feel kind of lost lately.

- You're not lost,
you're just growing up.

It's all part of the process.

- I don't know, nothing
seems to grab my attention

for very long anymore.

- No, that's just
your generation.

You guys are a bunch of ADD
having, social media using,

text messaging, reality
TV obsessed freaks.

- Jacob!

- What? It's true.

- He's kind of right.
I mean, I got lucky,

I hate reality television.

(Jacob laughs)

- [Sarah] Don't
worry about that.

When something comes along
that's worth your attention,

it'll grab hold of you.

- And, more importantly, you'll
be ready to grab hold of it.

- I'll probably just
go back to my father's

and regroup from there.
I've always known

I'd end up back in
Manhattan, anyway.

- I wish I could live
in New York again.

- Not me. I was happy to leave
that filthy garbage infused,

rat-filled city for the
clean air of the west coast.

- What clean air? It's all smog.

- [Camille] He's kind
of right, you know?

- [Sarah] I'll take
smog over rats any day.

- Sure, but I need more culture.

- [Sarah] There's
plenty of culture here.

- Yeah, but you have
to search to find it.

There it just bumps
into you on the street.

- Man, I love New York.
The hustle and bustle,

the sound of the subways,
the smell of the bus fumes,

people yelling, food stands.

I mean, the energy is
just palpable, you know?

- Are you flirting with me?

- What? No!

- Oh my god, you are flirting!

- [Jacob] How was that flirting?

I was simply letting a
personal opinion be known.

- [Sarah] You are redder
than a tomato, Mr.

- He certainly is.

- Stop, you guys are
just making it worse.

- [Sarah] I need to
keep my eye on you.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- [Camille] Oh, no, I
think he's dangerous

and needs to be watched.

- Ok, shut up, both of you.

- Oh, a little defensive.

- Okay, now, can we please
switch to cocktails?

I wanna get drunk!

- I'm game.

- I bet you are. Don't
think we're having

a repeat of a couple months ago.

- I wasn't thinking that.

- [Camille] What happened
a couple months ago?

- Maybe, I'll tell
you a little later.

But, Jacob, here, was
a nasty, naughty boy.

- [Camille] Oh, sounds juicy.

- Oh, it's pretty good.

- Okay. Okay, you girls
go chat somewhere else,

let me clear the table and
then we'll figure out drinks.

- [Sarah] We'll be downstairs.

- Give me all the details.

- I can't say. I
promised, we all promised

not to tell anyone.

- Oh, fuck you,
bitch. I'm Camille.

It's Cami, damn it!

- I can't say. I really can't.

- You are no fun.

- Whisky!

(door bell ringing)

- Are you expecting anyone?

- No, are you?

- No.

- No one knows I'm in town.

- I'll get it.

Wow, wow, wow! Dude,
what are you doing?

- [Steve] The door was open.

- You can't just walk
in here like this.

- Why not?

- For one thing, Sarah's
not exactly happy

with you right now.

- That's fucking bullshit, man!

I'm still pissed at
you for not telling me

Laura was over here
all those times.

- Dude, don't put that on me.

I was just giving you guys
space, because I figured

that was the only way
it was gonna work, ok?

- Yeah, well I'm over her now.

And, besides, I ran into her,

and it seemed like
she's dating somebody.

- Really?

- Yeah. She was so aloof,

it's the only
reasonable explanation.

So, are you and
Sarah just chilling?

- Actually, Camille's here too.

Settle down. She
just got into town.

- Dude, I still can't
believe you hit that shit.

I've been dying to taste
her pussy for years! Years!

You gotta let me in.

- No. No. Sarah's gonna
be pissed. You gotta go.

- [Steve] Just let me go
in and say hi to Camille

real quick and I'll
give her a hug.

- Dude, you have to go.

- Wait, does Sarah not
want me in or is it you?

- What? Come on...

- You can't come down!

(struggling loudly)

- [Camille] Steve!
How the fuck are you?

- Better now.

- [Sarah] What is he doing here?

- Sarah.

- Steve.

- Awkward.

- Look, can we just not be
weird with each other, please?

I've known you way too long.

- You really hurt Laura.

- Yeah, but I didn't hurt you.

What happened
between me and Laura

is between me and Laura.

- I just don't like how
you fucked with her.

- She fucked with
me too, you know?

It's not just a one way street.

- Okay, come on you guys,
let's just all get along,

we'll chill out, we'll
have a few drinks, huh?

- I'm willing to drop it.

- Sarah?

- Fine... And, I
know you didn't do

that crap to me, but
I'm still annoyed.

- Babe.

- Fine. I'm dropping it.

- Ok, can I get drunk now?

I mean, can I drink now?

- Yeah, drink. Let's drink.

- Yes, the bitch
is back, everyone!

- [Sarah] Where is the whisky?

(gentle piano music)

- Where are you going?

- I just have to run
to my apartment and
get some work done.

But, hey, stay asleep. I'll
be back this afternoon.

- Okay. Love you.

- Love you too.

- We can't keep doing this.

- Did I do something
to upset you?

- No, of course
not. It's just...

I'm anxious all the time and
all I do is lie to everybody.

- Do you want a blowjob?

- No, I'm being serious.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

- It's just getting
to be too much.

And Camille is at the house now.

- What? When did
Camille get into town?

- Yesterday. And then
Steve decided to show up...

- What? Steve was at the house,

with my friends and
that fucking floozy?

- Do I have to point out
that, I, Steve's best friend,

I'm fucking you,
his ex-girlfriend,

who also happens to be best
friends with my girlfriend?

- Ok, look, I get
it. I'm just ...

I'm sorry, it just irritates me,

I know he did that
shit on purpose.

- What, showed up at Sarah's

in hopes Camille would be there,

so he could hang out with
us just to make you upset?

- Don't be facetious.

- I'm just pointing out
how silly that thinking is.

- No, you're not,
you're picking on me.

And you were supposed
to call me last night.

- I couldn't. I'm
not picking on you.

It's just, I don't think
we should start shit

when we are not in such

a wonderfully accepted
scenario ourselves.

I just, I think we should
put this on hold for a while.

- I don't want to
stop seeing you.

- It's just getting
too convoluted and
more than one person

is gonna get extremely hurt.

- Okay, alright, I mean, listen,

we'll cool it down a little bit.

But, please, just
don't stop seeing me.

- Yeah. Okay.

- Okay?

- Yo, yo, motherfucker!

- [Jacob] Steve?

- What's up, bitch?

- What up, dude?

You here for dinner or...

- In a manner of speaking.

- [Jacob] What are
you talking about?

- Don't worry about it.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, my God!

- [Camille] Hey, Steve.

- You look fucking unbelievable!

- Where are you guys off?
Where are you guys going?

- Steve asked me to dinner.

- And Sarah approved?

- Sarah's not my mother.

- Dude, what the
fuck are you doing?

- What? I'm not doing anything.

- You are okay with this, right?

- Of course I'm ok with
this, I just had no idea.

Why wouldn't I be ok?

- I don't know. Why
wouldn't you be ok?

- [Camille] Good then
it's settled. Let's go.

- Hi Sarah. Bye Sarah.

- [Sarah] Have her
back at a decent hour.

- I will be.

- Not your mother, huh?

- Be nice.

G'night, Jacob.

- Good night.

- Vinegar, dude.

Seriously, she's gonna
piss my mouth tonight.

- Why is Camille
going out with Steve?

- You got me.

- I mean, it's just ridiculous.
He's not even in her league.

- [Sarah] Well, she's
just home for a week,

she probably wants to get laid.

Although, he might wanna be
careful or he's gonna get hurt.

- What are you talking about?

If anyone needs to be
protective, it's Camille.

- [Sarah] Why are you
being so defensive?

- I'm not being defensive.
I'm just confused

how you switched your
tune so suddenly.

- Look, why are we arguing
about Steve and Camille?

They can do whatever
they want to.

- And you're not even worried
how this may affect Laura?

- [Sarah] Laura's over him.

- Yeah? Are you sure about that?

- I don't know. But
they're all adults

and I don't wanna talk
about this anymore.

I wanna eat the delicious meal

I just spent two
hours cooking for us.

Then I wanna drink some
wine, maybe watch a movie,

and fuck my boyfriend.
Is that okay?

- I'm sorry. Dinner
is delicious.

I'm totally up for all that.

- Then it's settled: dinner,
wine, movie, fucking.

- I mean, I can't promise

it's gonna be in
that order, but yes.

- Good. Salad?

- Yes, please.

I just don't think
he's right for her...

- Jacob!

- Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop.

This looks really delicious.
I mean, all of it.

- That was amazing.

- I'm spinning.

- God, I just wanna put
it in you right here.

(zipper opening)

Ohhh... Fuck...
Yeah... That's right...

Say hello to Tyra.

- [Camille] What?

- Nothing... Just keep sucking.

- Get ready. I wanna go again.

- No more... I
can't take anymore.

- You better get that dick hard.

Don't make me stick a pencil
in your ass and rape you.

- What?

I'm kidding. I just
watched this documentary

on female convicts.

That's how they
rape the male guards

who can't get a boner
because they're too scared.

Apparently, the
force of the pencil

causes pressure on the
prostate, causing an erection.

- Ok, ok, no pencil,
please. I'll get hard,

just give me a minute.

- You can always
go down on me...

You know I like that.
It's been a while.

- Ok.

- Oh, oh, God, oh fuck, oh God!

Fuck it! Come inside.
But we have to be quiet.

- What was that?

- What?

- That.

- I'm sure it's just
Camille. Back to work.

- You could've just
stayed in bed and

I'd have gotten
coffee on my way home.

- I needed to be up anyway.

- I had a great time last night.

- Yeah, that was fun.

- Are we gonna be able to do
this again before you leave?

- I don't see why not.

- Good.

- What?

- You know what.

- [Steve] Good morning, Sarah.

- Good morning, Steve.

- [Camille] What
are you doing awake?

- I couldn't sleep, I
thought I'd make some coffee

and read the paper.

- Coffee's already on.

- I can smell.

- [Camille] What?

- Laura? What are
you doing here?

- I couldn't sleep, so I
figured I'd read the paper

until you woke up.

- Oh, uhhh...

- Was that Steve's
car out front?

- Yes, but I can explain.

- Explain what?

- [Steve] Hi, Laura.

- [Laura] Oh my God!
You fucked Steve?

- What? No, of course not.

- Yes, you did, you fucked him!

- [Sarah] Don't be crazy.

- We didn't fuck.

- Then why are you here in
what is clearly your clothing

from last night and
you're in a robe?

- We did not have sex. I
would never sleep with Steve.

- What the fuck is happening?

- Jesus Christ, I slept
in Camille's room.

- What? Is Camille still here?

- I know this looks bad, Laura,

but I promise we didn't hook up.

- How did you know
Camille was here?

- [Laura] Jacob told me.

- When did you talk to Jacob?

- [Laura] Yesterday.

- Why do you and Jacob
talk to each other?

- I don't owe you
any explanations and
how long did you know

she was coming for?

- Three days ago. I
was gonna tell you,

but I forgot and then I...

- We talk twice a day
and you forgot each time?

- I haven't seen you, and

I didn't wanna
hurt your feelings.

- Nothing happened.

- Yeah, right, Camille.
I know how you are.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- It means, I know
how you can't keep

your hands off of
other people's men.

- What's that fucking mean?

- Okay, girls. This is
getting out of hand.

- I didn't do anything wrong.

- This time or last time?

- [Camille] What last time?

- [Steve] Okay,
Laura, that's enough.

- [Laura] You don't get to
tell me what's enough anymore!

- Look, can we all
just talk about this

in a civilized manner?

- No, I can't just
talk to this asshole

or this fucking hussy.

- What's going on?

- Who are you calling a hussy?

- How often do
you talk to Laura?

- You! You're a hussy!

- What?

- What are you talking about?

- Let's not be
irrational, Laura.

- I think she has
the right to know.

- Know what?

- Laura!

- Camille and Jacob fucked
before she went away,

when you guys were first dating.

- What are you talking about?

- Ask her.

- Fuck, Laura!

- Fuck you!

- [Laura] Is it true?

Well, is it?

- Sarah!

- Why would you just come in
here and blurt that shit out?

- Oh, go fuck one
of your whores!

- Babe, open up.

- [Sarah] Go away.

- It didn't mean anything.

We had just met, we
weren't even official yet.

- That's such bullshit!

- [Camille] Sarah, please,
let's talk about this.

It was so long ago and
it didn't mean a thing.

- No! This whole time you guys
have both been lying to me.

I want you out.

I want you all out of
my goddamn house now!

- Sarah, please!

This is so fucked.

- Why did you tell Steve?

- He's my best friend.

- I can't believe I ever
trusted either one of you.

- Wait, Sarah. Just talk to me!

- No. I have nothing to
say to you, to any of you.

- At least, talk to me.

- Oh, yeah you wanna talk?

Let's do it! Let's all talk.

- Thank you.

- And while we're
clearing the air,

we might as well get
it all out there.

- What else is there?

- Yeah, there's nothing
else to speak of.

- Oh no? How's this for more?

- Please, Sarah, don't!

- Jacob, Laura and I
had a menage a trois.

- I knew it!

- Yeah... We all fucked

the night you decided to
break her heart, asshole!

- We agreed to
never mention that.

- You fucked my roommate!

- I don't fucking believe this!

- Yeah? Well, it's the truth.

Should we all have a
discussion about it now?

- You said you had my back.

- I did have your
back, originally.

- I'm gonna fuck you up!

- Steve!

- Don't you ever call me
again. We're not friends!

- I want you all out of
my goddamn house, now!

- [Jacob] Hey...

- Especially you, motherfucker!

- Sarah, please, let's talk.

- I'm too hurt. I
want you to leave.

- But...

- Get out!

- [Jacob] Thanks for
agreeing to meet me.

And, you know, I just wanna
say, I really miss you guys,

and I'm sorry for
everything that happened.

- [Laura] That
was not even close

to being entirely your fault.

- Yeah, I mean, look, we all
go through shit sometimes,

it may take a while for
us to get over things,

but we'll always be friends.

- Well, thank you.

- Of course.

- [Jacob] You know, I have
to say, although I was more

than a little shocked
when I ran into you guys

and saw that you were
back together, later
on it just hit me

how perfect you are
for one another.

- Yeah, yeah. I mean,
sometimes you just have to

swallow your pride and get
really clear on what you want.

And what this whole mess
showed me, most of all,

was how much love I
still had for Laura

and not to mention how
poorly I treated her.

- Of course we both had to

get over the hurt
and start fresh,

but, in some ways, the
love is even stronger now.

- There must be something
really wrong with me,

because I'm looking at you guys,

and you're so great
together, and you're happy,

and I know it's for
real, and, you know,

I believe what you're saying,

and, yet, when I consider the
likeliness that I'll ever have

anything even remotely as good

as what you two have, not
only can I not visualize it,

I don't even think I want it.

- I think that's
just some bullshit

you've been telling
yourself for far too long.

- Yeah. I don't know.

- [Laura] Unquestionably, I do.

- You know what? I would
love to just cut to

my next big love
affair, you know?

It seems like I thrive at the
beginning of relationships.

- Jacob, you cannot just
go through life editing out

what you don't like.

If you never
experienced the pain,

you wouldn't know how
great the pleasure is.

- [Steve] She's right, you know?

- I know, it's just...
It's really hard sometimes.

- So, shall we
tell him the news?

- What?

Are you getting married?

- To this guy? No!

- Thanks.

- I'm just kidding,
you know I love you.

I mean, that's definitely
what I used to want.

But I just figured, after
everything we've been through,

why can't we just be together?

- Her words. Believe me,
I asked, she said no.

- I told you, a piece of paper
holds no merit to how I feel.

- So, what's the big news?

I mean, you can't be pregnant...

Holy shit! Congratulations!

How far along?

- [Laura] Thirteen weeks.

- Good, then it can't be mine.

Too soon? Yeah? No?

This is a cause for celebration.
We should get some tequila

and toast or are you
allowed to have any?

- I can have one, but that's it.

- And don't get any big
ideas about a menage a trois.

- What? No, never.

- Good, because, for
the next six months,

the only three-way's
gonna be happening

will be between me,
Laura and the baby.

- You're so disgusting!

Get outta here!

So, J, what are
we gonna do about

getting you a new girlfriend?

- No, absolutely not!

- Babe, I told you, leave
him alone. He's fine.

- Oh, shush. I know the
perfect girl for you.

You're gonna love her!
And, as luck would have it,

she just finished
writing her first novel

and is in need of an editor.

- No! No more of your friends!

So, have you thought
of names yet?

If it's a girl, maybe Tyra.

- [Steve] I like it.

See?

That's a good one.

(gentle music)

("Whiskey & Kerosene",
by Jason Hiller)