Original subtitles

("Just The Start", by Martin Felix Kaczmarski)

- [Man] I got it.

- [Woman] No, you got the last one.

- Don't worry about it. I want to.

- We can't have you spending all your money on us.

- Babe, we both know his father pays that credit card.

- I still have a limit.

- Mmhmm...

- Anyway, thank you, dinner was delicious...

Even if I was forced to suffer

through memories of your homosexual childhoods.

- Babe, we weren't homosexual, we were just... Experimental.

- Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of, bro.

- Oh, shut up. This is all your fault.

- Mine?! You're the one who brought it up.

- Yeah, but it was you who started us being that way.

- How?

- Look at my penis. Is something wrong with my penis?

Let me see your penis.

Why is your penis so much bigger than mine?

- Come on, I never said your penis

was bigger than mine... Now you're just being absurd.

- Of course, my penis is bigger than yours.

It is a fact that uncircumcised penises grow up

to an inch-and-a half longer than circumcised ones.

- No, it is a fact that ten out of ten women

who sleep with a guy who has an uncircumcised penis,

wish that his parents had had his penis circumcised.

- All right, let's bring this back.

- Are you saying your penis is prettier than mine?

- My penis is definitely prettier than your penis.

- Bullshit!

- My penis could be a runway model, it's so pretty.

I have the Kate Moss of penises.

- Well, if your penis is Kate Moss,

my penis is Tyra Banks: tall, full-bodied and gorgeous.

- So, your penis is black?

- No! But, it is definitely comparable in size

of the average black penis.

- Would you guys stop saying penis?

- Yeah? Well, what good is it,

if all it can model are turtle necks?

- I still can't believe you both used to

mess around with boys.

- Babe, we were nine, we hadn't even hit puberty yet

A lot of guys go through this.

- Yeah, they're called homosexuals.

- Ok, it would have been with girls,

but after eight-years-old, parents started restricting us

from their daughters' bedrooms, so naturally

guys were the only thing that were available.

- [Woman] So, J, when are you finally

gonna start dating again?

- [J] I don't know.

Between work

and hanging out with you guys

I don't have time to meet someone.

Besides, you don't meet a good girl in a bar.

- Steve met me in a bar.

- I know...

- What are you laughing at? Defend me!

- Bad Jacob!

- Oh, hey, I meant to mention,

my very good girl friend, Sarah,

just wrote a biography about her grandfather

and she doesn't have the first clue about editing it.

So I thought maybe you could help her?

- Sure. Tell her to drop by my place, any day.

- Great! Maybe this will be the project

to help you realize your full potential.

- Babe... That's rude!

- What? Jacob knows I think he's wasting his talents

at that slacker magazine.

- Ok. Let me check out the project

and see if I'm even suitable.

- You're the smartest person I know.

Of course you're suitable.

- Babe, again... Really?

- Oh, shut up, dummy.

- Okay, come on...

(Mexican music)

- Hello?

- [Jacob] Come in.

- Hi, Jacob?

- Yeah?

- [Sarah] I'm Sarah, Laura's friend.

- Oh, yeah. Hi.

- Is this a bad time, because I could come back?

- No, absolutely not.

Here. Come, have a seat.

- Did Laura tell you what I'm working on?

- Oh, right, work, yeah...

She mentioned you were writing

a biography on your grandfather?

Was he someone I would know?

- Probably not. He ghostwrote most of the time.

Though if you've read a lot about human sexuality,

you may have unknowingly read some of his work.

- I wouldn't say a lot, but I wrote my senior AP thesis

on the Kinsey Reports when I was in high school.

- That's so weird. My grandfather actually

coauthored those with Alfred and Wardell...

- You know, you are really beautiful.

- Oh... Hmm...

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.

- No, no, it's fine, I've just never

been very good at taking compliments.

But I think a lot of people are like that, you know?

- Sorry. I wasn't listening to a word you're saying,

'cause I was fantasizing about kissing you.

- Laura said you're a terrible flirt.

- Oh yeah, what else did she say about me?

- Just that you're top notch, and she thought

you'd be a perfect fit for the job.

- Well, while I appreciate Laura's faith in my abilities,

I have to say, I mean, in full disclosure,

I've never actually edited a biography before.

But, I'll gladly take a look and...

- Shit!

- What is it?

- I just realized I totally forgot

to bring the manuscript with me.

- [Jacob] That's okay. You can send me the file

or drop it off another time.

- I'm so absentminded sometimes,

I can't believe I did that.

- Honestly, it's no big deal.

I mean, I could even come pick it up

from you, whatever's easiest.

- Do you wanna come to my place

for dinner on Friday night?

- Oh, uhhh...

- [Sarah] I mean, only if you wanted to...

It's just, usually I cook dinner for my roommate,

Camille, and myself, but she's moving soon,

so she's going out with some friends instead.

And, I was just thought I could give it to you then,

but, no pressure.

- I would love to come for dinner.

- [Sarah] Then it's settled.

I'll send you a text with my address

and I'll see you Friday at seven.

- Perfect.

Why is it that I'm just meeting Sarah?

Where the fuck have you guys been hiding her?

- We haven't been hiding her,

she just got out of a long relationship.

- I'm pretty sure that can't be good.

- Don't worry about it, it was months ago.

Now, listen, I got to tell you some shit.

- Ok. Rub 'n tug stories, it is.

- Yes, now focus...

Remember the legit spot I mentioned,

the nail salon, over on Windsor?

- [Jacob] Yeah.

- Ok, so I go in there to get a massage

and everything's on the up-and-up,

no funny business, which is annoying,

because the girl giving me this massage

was this smoking hot, forty year-old, Italian cougar.

So, I'm getting the massage, she's rubbing my back,

my shoulders, whatever.

And then, and I'm telling you, anywhere else

I would have been expecting this,

she takes off my towel, starts rubbing my inner thighs,

starts massaging my ass crack and then

she starts tonguing my balls' sack.

- Get out! She licked your balls?!?

- Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I was equally as surprised.

It took me everything to not just blow my load right then.

- So, what happened?

- Then she took off her top and I started playing

with her tits and then we made out.

- You made out with her?!

- I know, it was stupid, but she was

so fuckin' hot I didn't care.

- Jesus Christ! Then what?

- Then she took off her pants and I fucked her on the table!

- Please tell me you wore a condom!

- Well, here's the capper:

being a legit place, she didn't have one.

- You went bare back? Are you fucking crazy?

- I didn't go bare back.

I don't have a death wish.

But what they did have were those rubber surgical gloves,

so she put one of those on me,

strapped it tight with a rubber band.

- All right, what's going on?

- I think I'm just trying to avoid the fact

that it's getting time

to settle down with Laura.

- What settle down?

You guys have been together for five years.

- I know, but, she's been mentioning marriage lately.

And, the weird thing is, I don't even know

why I wouldn't marry her.

You know I have a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy,

I do whatever I want on the side,

it's not like much would change.

- I honestly don't know how you do it.

- Anyway, what were you going to say about Sarah?

- Nothing, just that she invited me

for dinner Friday.

Usually she eats with her roommate,

but the roommate's going out of town

or something, I don't know...

- Oh, yeah, Camille. Wait until you meet her too,

she is so fucking hot! I would literally let her

piss in my mouth after drinking a carton of vinegar.

Literally.

So, you're going, right?

- I said I would, but I'm having second thoughts,

I'm worried it's gonna be weird, so,

as usual, you know... I don't know.

- Why would it be weird? She obviously likes you.

- You really think so?

- No, she has everyone she hires come over

on Friday night and cooks dinner for them.

Yes, she likes you! That's how girls do it.

They're slick like that. And, anyway, she's totally loaded.

Her dad's in oil or natural gas or whatever.

I approve.

- Oh, well, if you approve...

Oh, by the way, Laura is coming over for lunch tomorrow,

so I can thank her for the business.

- Perfect. That means I'm free to learn more Italian.

Thanks.

- I'm not doing this for you.

- Well, thank you, anyway.

- Lock it.

- There we go.

- Fuck, she licked your balls?

- Hey, listen, can I talk to you about something?

- What? Like more about my underachievements?

- No, shush... But, it is about Steve,

and it would be off the record, so I just wanted

to make sure that that would be okay with you?

- I mean, I'm friends with both of you.

- Yeah, I know, but...

- It's fine. I don't tell Steve everything.

- I think he's having an affair.

- What makes you think that?

- He's just been acting so different lately,

he's been coming home later from work and

stepping out to use his phone,

and, I know this is gonna sound so nuts,

but he smelled like this perfume the other day

that you can't even get in America.

I tried it on last year when we went to Italy.

Anyway, I know that you guys are friends,

and I would never say that you said anything,

but I just had to ask is anything going on?

- I think this is probably the kind of thing

that you two should talk about

between the two of you, you know?

- I mean, I know that he's cheated before,

but those were minor, one-time occurrences so...

- [Jacob] If you knew he cheated,

then why are you still with him?

- I don't know... 'cause it's like you said,

I mean, it's impossible

to meet somebody.

You got to get used to their eating habits

and their sleeping habits, and really

the whole thing is just a huge pain in the ass.

- [Jacbo] So, laziness?

- Basically.

- [Jacbo] You see, it's philosophies like that that make me

not wanna to be in a long-term relationship.

- No, that's you not wanting to grow up,

which is tied into your fear of intimacy and commitment.

- Let's not forget my fear of death.

- Which I completely understand.

- I just don't think people are meant to be

in long-term relationships.

- You honestly don't think that there's any deeper meaning

or value to be gained from being in a long-term commitment?

Really?

- Maybe for some.

But, I mean, how can you gain deeper meaning,

when you suspect that your partner is cheating on you?

- I'm so confused.

- Just talk to Steve. I'm sure whatever is going on

can be explained or dealt with.

- Yeah, you want that fucking carrot, don't you?!

(screaming)

- You know, a little while ago I had a crush on you?

- Get out of here...

- I did. And I thought that you had a little one on me.

- You're my best friend's girlfriend.

- Which only makes it all the more natural.

Not that we ever would've acted on it or anything.

- Okay, maybe, but this isn't a safe subject.

- I mean, I always just figured that

you had your chance and passed.

- Passed what? What are you talking about?

- I met you first before I met Steve.

- See, now I know you're fool of shit,

because you fucking hated me when we first met.

- I did not hate you. I just thought that you were a snob.

- Oh.

- Anyway, it doesn't even matter now, 'cause I'm with Steve.

And he's never gonna marry me

and I know he's cheating on me.

You know, I have been impossibly busy lately.

I wouldn't even blame him for cheating.

- Please, just talk to him.

- Yeah, I know you're right.

Hey, I'm sorry.

- Hey, you've nothing to be sorry about.

- Thanks.

- Fuck me! Harder!

- Faster!

I'm coming.

You are something special.

- [Woman] No, you are something special.

(phone vibrating)

What?

- Where's the remote?

- I don't know.

- Where's the remote?

- I don't know. Who cares?

(phone vibrating)

What's the big deal?

- Shush! Shush!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

(water splashing)

(phone ringing)

- Wasssup mutha-fuckuh?

- [Laura] (crying)

- Steve?

- He's definitely cheating on me.

- I'm still a little lost.

- I thought we had plans tonight,

so I texted him and when I didn't hear back

by like the fifth text, I decided to call.

And then I heard his phone ringing in the living room,

so I went and found it,

and I thought he must have left it here,

so naturally I hung up.

And then, I just sat there like a jerk,

for, like, 20 minutes,

trying to remember "Did we have plans?"

and where is Steve, and my suspicions got the best of me,

and I looked through his call log,

and I saw that he called the same number

like ten times a day and always at cheating times.

- Cheating times?

- Like before work or at lunch or during breaks,

or after work when he said he was working, that fucker!

Anyway, I decided to block my phone number

and I called and a girl picked up the phone.

- Well, that doesn't necessarily mean he's...

- (mumbling) I heard him in the background,

clearly asking who she was talking to.

Anyway, I freaked out and I hung up.

- Oh, sweetie...

- I don't know what to do.

- Do you want to come to dinner at Sarah's?

- No, I'll be fine. Besides, I don't want to run

into Camille. I'm not exactly the biggest fan of hers.

- Yeah, Steve mentioned that.

- Oh did he? Did the fucking creep also mention

that he thinks she's hot and he wants to fuck her?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

- It's okay.

- No, you go to dinner at Sarah's and have a great time,

and I wanna hear all the details when you get back.

- Okay. Well, call me if you need anything, ok?

- Ok. Thank you for always listening.

- Of course.

(car engine)

- You must be Jacob.

I'm Camille.

- Yes. Hi.

- Come on in.

Sarah ran to her room, she'll be right back.

Make yourself comfortable.

(French gentle music)

- [Sarah] Ah, you're here...

- Hi.

- Hi.

You had any trouble finding the place?

- No, not at all. It smells amazing in here!

- Oh, that's just a Bolognese recipe I've had

in the family for a hundred years. It's nothing special.

Wine?

- Thank you. I'm sorry,

I should have totally brought a bottle.

- No, this is my treat. I just hope you're not

one of those carb-free health freaks.

- What? Did Laura tell you I'm manorexic?

- [Sarah] No, but I'm curious.

You are from LA originally, and, well...

- Hey, are you're looking for trouble?

- No, why, you got some?

- Oh man, I have trouble coming out of my ears.

- [Camille] Sounds like trouble.

- There she is.

- Where are all your hot friends?

- Don't listen to her, she's plenty of suitors.

- A girl could always use one more.

- You guys are funny.

- You don't know the half of it.

- Well, I'm certainly intrigued.

- Let's just say we know for a fact that a chandelier

can't withstand a gorgeous, drunk twenty-one year old.

- Hey, it was you who dared me!

- Why don't you show Jacob around?

I'm gonna finish up dinner.

- Come with me.

And this is where we chill.

- What's this?

- Sarah made that.

- Wow, it's really cool.

- So, you're like a book editor, or something?

- Actually, I'm like a freelance copyeditor,

but more with magazines.

- Do you love it?

- I love words.

It's probably the most under-appreciated job,

considering it's what truly shapes a story in the end.

- Sometimes I wish I could edit my life.

- I always say that. You have no idea

how many pieces I would cut.

- I hope not too many.

- Well, certainly not this moment.

I have to have your phone number.

- I leave in a week.

- I have to see you before you go.

- You're here to hang with Sarah.

She's my closest friend.

- I never beg, but I am begging.

- I don't know...

- Please!

Please!

Wow, that was amazing. Absolutely delicious.

I must have gained ten pounds but it was totally worth it.

- [Sarah] You really do have a weight issue, don't you?

- No, it's more like this generic neurosis, you know,

that switches its focus from this to that occasionally.

- Well, you look great.

- [Jacob] Thank you.

You know, you really are something else.

- I'm never quite sure what that means.

- No, I mean you're smart, you're beautiful,

you're a great cook, and, apparently a brilliant author.

- Well, I don't know about brilliant, but, ok.

Come sit closer.

- Okay.

- I like you.

- I like you too.

(jazz music)

- J, I'm telling you...

This Italian chic is a fucking freak!

And, trust me when I say, you do not want to know

where that carrot was before I fed it to her...

- Okay, okay, look, what the hell are you talking about?

You just have to stop.

- I don't think I can.

- I'm telling you, you're playing with fire, bro.

Laura's suspicious. She asked if I knew anything.

- And what did you say?

- Nothing, of course. But she's really upset, man.

- I'll deal with it. How was dinner with Sarah?

- Really good, actually. Sarah's awesome.

There's just one snag: I totally like her and we made out,

and had fun, but I met Camille, and, Jesus Christ!

I understand the vinegar now.

- Let it go. Don't mess this up with Sarah,

if you get in good with her, you'll be set.

- You keep saying that, but I don't care about the money.

And besides who are you to be telling me to let it go?

- I'm just saying, Sarah is a great catch.

Don't ruin it for a girl who is leaving town in a week.

- But, I just have to put my cock in Camille.

- And how are you gonna do that? I've been dropping hints

on her for two years, and nothing. It will never happen.

- Maybe not. Going out with her tonight, though. So...

- What? No way!

- I'm serious.

- Okay, look... I never ask you for anything, but,

please, can I hide in your closet tonight?

- Shut the fuck up...

- I'm totally serious, I'll be completely silent.

I don't even have to see everything.

I'll just peak out after you lead her to the bed.

- Okay, anyone willing to look at my naked ass,

in order to see a hot chick get fucked,

has some serious issues.

- She's not just hot, she drips sex.

I mean, I'm not into fecal play, believe me I'm not,

I'm not even sure how that works,

but I would totally let her shit on my chest.

- Dude, you are fucking out of control these days!

Now, seriously, knock off this crap

with the Italian before you get caught.

- I can't, okay... Look, I know Laura's great

and I love her to death,

but if I have to have sex with just her...

- No, I get it. You just have to make up your mind,

because, I'm telling you, she knows.

- Tell me the truth: did you say something to her?

- No! Never. It's just girls know this shit,

even if they don't trust their intuition,

girls almost always know.

And, frankly, if men were just more honest with women...

- What?! No! Women don't want honesty.

They don't, believe me.

- Ok, whatever.

Just talk to Laura and reassure her, ok?

- And you stay away from Camille.

- Okay, I'll talk to you later.

- I'm kidding; do whatever you want.

(door closing)

- Hey, babe.

- What the fuck is this?

- Where did you get that?

- In your pants.

- Why were you going through my stuff?

- I was doing the laundry, you asshole!

Now, whose number is that?

- I don't know.

- [Laura] Bullshit!

- Calm down.

- No, I will not fucking calm down until you explain

why there's a girl's number hidden in your pants!

- You are being so paranoid, and so crazy right now.

I'm not talking to you until you calm down.

- Whose number is it Steven?

- It's a friend's number, okay?

- No, it's not okay. It is far from being okay!

Who is she?

- See, I knew you would react this way

if I mentioned her, so I never did.

- Is she someone from work?

Did you meet her on the street? Or in a bar?

- I just know her from around.

- What does that mean?

- You know, I do go out without you sometimes.

- Yeah, and now I know what you do.

- You are so fucking far off base with this,

it's not even funny.

- Oh yeah? Then explain it.

And explain why you denied

knowing what it was in the first place.

- No.

- This is not over, Steven. Where are you going?

- To make a drink, okay, Laura?

Or is that too suspicious for you as well?

- No, you are not gonna make me out to be the paranoid,

crazy one here.

- Oh, believe me, you don't need my help for that.

- You're such a coward and you're such an asshole!

- And you are way too insane right now

and I don't appreciate the implications.

- Yeah, well I don't hear you denying them either.

- What do you want me to do? Tell you

that I never look or talk to other women when I go out?

- I just want you to be honest with me.

- No, you want me to fuck up, so you can hold it over

my head like you did the last time,

- It sounds like you're projecting.

And I'm not the one whose actions are in question here.

- I didn't do anything.

- I know you did something!

- [Steve] Oh yeah? How do you know?

- Because I called this number when you left

your phone here and a girl picked up.

- [Steve] So what? A girl answered.

- I heard you in the background,

asking who she was talking to, you fucking pig!

- Oh, so you went through my phone

and you snuck around and now you're feeling suspicious?

See, it all makes sense to me.

No, you're not turning this around on me.

You are fucking cheating again,

and I am not standing for it this time.

I want you out of my house!

- Where am I gonna go?

- I don't give a shit.

And you should have thought about that

before you went fuck some whore.

- Fuck you!

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning.

You are way too fucking nuts right now.

- I want you out of this goddamn house

by tomorrow, Steven!

- [Steven] You got it, babe!

(door slamming loudly)

(lively music)

(gentle music)

- Hey!

- The door was open so I let myself in.

- Wow, you look fucking amazing!

- I shouldn't be here, you know?

- Yeah. I know.

- Just so we're clear...

(sexy music)

- So, you don't want to just talk?

- Oh, no...

(sexy music)

- Oh, fuck, that feels so good!

- How did they separate them?

- A janitor brought over turpentine,

I had to soak my hands in it.

It stunk for like a week. My dad was so angry...

- Here! Maybe this will work.

- Thanks.

Where's the little traveler now?

- She's done with Barcelona, and on her way to Madrid,

and apparently having the time of her life.

- Did she ask about me? I'm just kidding...

- Actually, yes.

- Really?

- Well, she asked if we're still together.

- And, are we?

- Oh, shut up.

- I'm joking...

So, what do you want to do

for the rest of the day?

- Can we just stay home and relax before dinner?

- Yeah, sure. Maybe we can have a nap.

- I know what you mean by that

and that is not a nap... But, yes.

- It is not gay.

Every growing boy shows each other their penises,

even your grandfather even said so.

- [Sarah] This definitely qualifies at least

a two on the scale.

- I'm sorry I'm late.

- Sweetie, are you okay?

- Where is Steve?

- We just got into a huge fight in the car,

and he's not coming.

- Oh, sweetie...

- [Laura] I just feel like such a jerk.

- What happened?

- Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it.

- Well, a few months ago, I caught him cheating on me,

although he denied it entirely and made me feel crazy.

Then we were on our way here and I was just so excited

and grateful to be having dinner

just the four of us, and, out of nowhere,

he said he was all packed up

and that it wasn't working for him

and that it hasn't been for a long time

and that he was gonna leave as soon as dinner was over.

I don't even have my keys, because he drove.

- Oh, sweetie, don't worry about the keys.

Did you know about this?

- No.

- Okay, here's what we're gonna do:

we're gonna order our food to go,

we're gonna go to my place,

we'll pick up a couple bottles of wine on the way,

we'll hang out and watch a movie or something.

- No, I don't wanna be a burden and ruin your guys' night.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Yeah, you're never a burden.

- Are you sure? Because that's exactly

what Steve called our relationship.

- Well, although I love Steve,

he is just a total dick for saying that.

- Yeah, fuck Steve! Let's just get the waiter

and get some food and get out of here.

- Okay, that sounds really good, 'cause I'm really hungry.

What do you call this site again?

- [Jacob] How are you not familiar with The Box?

- I'm terrible with computers.

- You should totally play it at the bookstore.

- I wouldn't even know how it works.

- It's super easy: you just go to the website

and you type in an artist name or genre, and you're done.

- Does it connect to my speakers?

- [Jacob] I could help you set that up.

- More wine?

- [Laura] Yes, please.

More.

Thank you.

You guys are too far away from me.

- [Jacob] We're right next to you.

- I know, but you're on that sofa and I'm over here

all by my lonesome.

- Well, get over here, silly.

- Ok.

- [Sarah] If you could stand.

- That's better.

- Everything's gonna be okay.

- You promise?

- Yes!

- I love you guys! You guys are like my best friends.

- Awww, come here.

- [Jacob] Mmmmm...

Oh, I mean, I'm up for anything, but...

- [Sarah] Don't ruin this with talking.

(sexy French music)

- Oh man, I've such a bad headache.

- [Laura] It's been a long time

since we've done something like that.

- You've done that before?

- [Laura] She certainly has!

- Wait a minute... When?

- I told you I experimented quite a bit in college.

- We both did.

- Man, I knew I should have matriculated.

- What? Do I have something on my face?

- I'm suddenly racked with guilt.

- [Jacob] Trust me, I've already thought about this.

I think it's best if we just

never mention this to anyone.

- [Laura] Agreed.

- Sarah?

- I'm not gonna say anything.

I just don't think Steve deserves defending.

He was such an asshole.

- He wasn't that bad.

- [Sarah] Yeah, he was! He deserves whatever

he gets from cheating on you.

- Granted. But, I could do without him

knowing I betrayed him.

- Betrayed him? He cheat,

he broke up with her; she's single.

- I know, but it's just sort of an unwritten code,

that you don't fuck your best friend's exgirlfriend.

Especially not the night they broke up,

certainly not in a three-way.

- I understand.

But Steve's a shit and Laura deserves to have a good time

and we got a good time last night, right?

- I did.

- [Sarah] Jacob?

- Umm... Yeah?... Yes. Yeah.

- Good.

Then, since that's never gonna happen again,

there's no reason to discuss it any further.

- [Jacob] Perfect. - [Laura] Great.

- Good. Let's all hug and then Laura, you're gonna go.

- [Laura] That sounds right to me.

Have you guys seen my dress?

- [Voiceover] Our first interest in creating the scale...

Well, I should say, Alfred's first interest,

came about one evening while four of us guys

were sitting around, after a late dinner,

and we had all had a bit too much to drink,

and the discussion of size came up,

which lead us to talking about whether or not,

as males, we found penises, in general,

to be erotic or repulsive.

Well, as it was, three of the four of us said

we found them to be erotic, and so, naturally,

we all decided that the next step

would be to show each other...

- What is that shit?

- Jesus Christ!

When did you get in here?

- What the fuck are you listening to?

- It's this interview with Sarah's grandfather.

He's actually quite an impressive thinker,

and such a character.

Are you alright?

- I just can't believe how badly

I've fucked things up this time.

- Yeah, well, as you said, you sabotaged it.

- I know, but... I miss her.

She won't even take my calls.

- [Jacob] Yeah, you can't really blame her.

- Hey, I came here to feel better.

- [Jacob] Yeah, well I'm not gonna lie to you,

because that's not gonna make you feel better.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- [Jacob] You're gonna to do what you gotta do.

You're gonna take some time to heal, you're gonna learn

your lesson, you're gonna move on.

- [Steve] Why are you being so forceful?

- What are you talking about?

- [Steve] You're acting differently than usual.

It's like you're taking her side.

- I'm not taking anyone's side.

You're both my friends, but you really screwed up, man.

- Have you seen her?

- What are you getting at?

- Just wondering.

- Of course I've seen her.

She's one of Sarah's best friends,

she comes over the house to hang out.

- And you didn't think to tell me this?

- For what purpose?

Besides, I figured you were just hanging out

with the Italian, anyway.

- That's been over for weeks.

- I didn't know that.

Look, you have to move past this.

Obviously, I can't speak for Laura,

but she's moving on, or at least she's trying to.

- What do you mean? Is she seeing someone already?

- Not that I know of.

- Don't fucking lie to me, Jacob.

- I'm not lying.

- How often does she go over to Sarah's house?

- Dude, what are you doing?

- Tell me how often, man.

- Two, three nights a week.

- So you've been hanging out with Laura

this whole past month?

- No, I haven't been hanging out with Laura.

She's been there to hang out with Sarah.

I just happen to sleep there, a lot,

so I see her, that's it.

(phone ringing)

- Who was that?

- Sarah.

- You could've answered it.

- Will you stop being so crazy?

You came over here to talk, we're talking.

I'll call Sarah back.

- You're right, I'm sorry.

Fuck.

- Dude, you want my advice?

Go out, try to get laid, get a rub n' tug, whatever.

Let some time pass.

Once her anger has subsided, maybe she'll realize

how much she misses you and she may come around,

but, nothing is gonna change before that.

- Yeah, I guess.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

- It's gonna be fine.

- Maybe I'll stop by Sarah's later,

to see you and I run into Laura.

- No. Bad idea. Just give it some time.

Besides, Sarah's pissed how you treated Laura.

Just let everything blow over first.

- Fine.

(door closing)

(phone call dialing)

(phone ringing)

- There you are.

- Steve was here when you called, he's really upset.

- [Laura] I don't wanna talk about Steve.

- Okay. What's up?

- Umm... Well, I was thinking maybe

you could come over later?

- If this is to set up those speakers,

can we just do that another night?

- It's not to set up my speakers.

I'm actually not even at the bookstore,

I'm home.

I want to talk to you

about something kind of important

and I wanted to do it in person, so...

I could order Chinese food,

we could just like eat and chat.

- I don't know, I'm supposed to...

- [Laura] Please! Please! Please! Please!

- Okay.

- Thank you!

(phone ringing)

- Hey Baby. What's up?

- Hey. I just found out I have dinner

with a potential client tonight.

- Oh, that sucks. I just started preparing dinner for us.

- Really? Oh, you know what?

Forget about it. I'll tell them I can't do it tonight.

- [Sarah] No, don't do that. Work is work. You should go.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm positive. We can have dinner any night.

- Well, should I come over your place after

or should I just stay in mine tonight?

- [Sarah] No, no, come over. But, don't rush.

- You're the best.

- [Sarah] I love you.

- Ok. Bye.

Oh, man, I can't believe what I said to her.

And an old lady, no less.

But she was being so indignant,

I had to stick up for the poor cashier, you know?

- So, as I said before, I really need

to talk to you about something.

- Yeah, what's up? Why so urgent?

- I really don't know how to say what I wanna say.

- Just say it.

- [Laura] It's kind of embarrassing.

- You're talking to penis boy.

- Okay.

Remember last month when we all...

- Yeah?

- Ok. Fuck it. I really liked the way that you felt

and I would really like to see you again.

And I realize I'm being a huge hypocrite by asking you to go

behind Sarah's back the way Steve went behind mine,

and she is my best friend, but I had to put it out there.

And maybe when we do it,

we'll find out that we shouldn't take it any further,

and that's totally fine.

Or maybe I'm just trying to justify it

because we've already had sex,

and, either way, I really don't think

I can know until we try and I really need to know.

So, I guess what I'm asking you is

will you make love to me alone?

- Wow... That's quite the offer.

- Ok, forget it. That was really stupid.

- Yes. I would love to make love to you alone.

Just not tonight.

- No, not tonight. What kind of girl do you take me for?

I never have sex with someone on a first date.

- Oh, this is a date, huh?

- Fuck you.

No, it's not a date.

- What's wrong?

- I feel like we haven't been connecting as well lately.

- I'm sorry. It's just been work, it's been...

- No, I'm not blaming you. I just miss you

staying over the last couple of weeks.

- I've just been finishing so late.

- I was planning on making dinner tonight,

but only if you're free...

- I just have to go finish a few chapters,

and the magazine sent over some stories for me to edit.

It should only take a couple of hours.

- So, let's just say you'll be back here

for dinner at seven?

- Yeah. Hey, maybe we could even see a movie afterwards.

- Sure, let's just play it by ear.

- Yes.

- Camille?

- Aren't you gonna tell me how good I look?

- You look fucking edible.

- Shut up and hug me before your woman

comes and sees you drooling.

- What are you doing here?

- I could go...

- No, no, I just had no fucking idea.

- [Sarah] Nice surprise, huh?

- When? How? When? How long did you know?

- Just a few days.

- I don't know why anyone would be excited

to see little ol' me.

- Oh, shut up.

Camille is gonna be staying with us while she's home.

I mean, assuming you're gonna be staying here too.

- What do you say?

- Great! I mean, cool.

I mean, I might stay here some of those nights.

- Then it's settled.

Let's go eat dinner before it gets cold!

- [Camille] I only regret not going to Bilbao,

but I definitely will next time.

- But, for now, you're back.

- [Camille] Well, for a week, maybe two,

then it's off to New York to see my father,

and then back to Europe for another couple months.

- Then what?

- [Camille] I haven't decided yet.

- Well, you know you're at the perfect age to be doing this.

- [Camille] Honestly, I feel kind of lost lately.

- You're not lost, you're just growing up.

It's all part of the process.

- I don't know, nothing seems to grab my attention

for very long anymore.

- No, that's just your generation.

You guys are a bunch of ADD having, social media using,

text messaging, reality TV obsessed freaks.

- Jacob!

- What? It's true.

- He's kind of right. I mean, I got lucky,

I hate reality television.

(Jacob laughs)

- [Sarah] Don't worry about that.

When something comes along that's worth your attention,

it'll grab hold of you.

- And, more importantly, you'll be ready to grab hold of it.

- I'll probably just go back to my father's

and regroup from there. I've always known

I'd end up back in Manhattan, anyway.

- I wish I could live in New York again.

- Not me. I was happy to leave that filthy garbage infused,

rat-filled city for the clean air of the west coast.

- What clean air? It's all smog.

- [Camille] He's kind of right, you know?

- [Sarah] I'll take smog over rats any day.

- Sure, but I need more culture.

- [Sarah] There's plenty of culture here.

- Yeah, but you have to search to find it.

There it just bumps into you on the street.

- Man, I love New York. The hustle and bustle,

the sound of the subways, the smell of the bus fumes,

people yelling, food stands.

I mean, the energy is just palpable, you know?

- Are you flirting with me?

- What? No!

- Oh my god, you are flirting!

- [Jacob] How was that flirting?

I was simply letting a personal opinion be known.

- [Sarah] You are redder than a tomato, Mr.

- He certainly is.

- Stop, you guys are just making it worse.

- [Sarah] I need to keep my eye on you.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- [Camille] Oh, no, I think he's dangerous

and needs to be watched.

- Ok, shut up, both of you.

- Oh, a little defensive.

- Okay, now, can we please switch to cocktails?

I wanna get drunk!

- I'm game.

- I bet you are. Don't think we're having

a repeat of a couple months ago.

- I wasn't thinking that.

- [Camille] What happened a couple months ago?

- Maybe, I'll tell you a little later.

But, Jacob, here, was a nasty, naughty boy.

- [Camille] Oh, sounds juicy.

- Oh, it's pretty good.

- Okay. Okay, you girls go chat somewhere else,

let me clear the table and then we'll figure out drinks.

- [Sarah] We'll be downstairs.

- Give me all the details.

- I can't say. I promised, we all promised

not to tell anyone.

- Oh, fuck you, bitch. I'm Camille.

It's Cami, damn it!

- I can't say. I really can't.

- You are no fun.

- Whisky!

(door bell ringing)

- Are you expecting anyone?

- No, are you?

- No.

- No one knows I'm in town.

- I'll get it.

Wow, wow, wow! Dude, what are you doing?

- [Steve] The door was open.

- You can't just walk in here like this.

- Why not?

- For one thing, Sarah's not exactly happy

with you right now.

- That's fucking bullshit, man!

I'm still pissed at you for not telling me

Laura was over here all those times.

- Dude, don't put that on me.

I was just giving you guys space, because I figured

that was the only way it was gonna work, ok?

- Yeah, well I'm over her now.

And, besides, I ran into her,

and it seemed like she's dating somebody.

- Really?

- Yeah. She was so aloof,

it's the only reasonable explanation.

So, are you and Sarah just chilling?

- Actually, Camille's here too.

Settle down. She just got into town.

- Dude, I still can't believe you hit that shit.

I've been dying to taste her pussy for years! Years!

You gotta let me in.

- No. No. Sarah's gonna be pissed. You gotta go.

- [Steve] Just let me go in and say hi to Camille

real quick and I'll give her a hug.

- Dude, you have to go.

- Wait, does Sarah not want me in or is it you?

- What? Come on...

- You can't come down!

(struggling loudly)

- [Camille] Steve! How the fuck are you?

- Better now.

- [Sarah] What is he doing here?

- Sarah.

- Steve.

- Awkward.

- Look, can we just not be weird with each other, please?

I've known you way too long.

- You really hurt Laura.

- Yeah, but I didn't hurt you.

What happened between me and Laura

is between me and Laura.

- I just don't like how you fucked with her.

- She fucked with me too, you know?

It's not just a one way street.

- Okay, come on you guys, let's just all get along,

we'll chill out, we'll have a few drinks, huh?

- I'm willing to drop it.

- Sarah?

- Fine... And, I know you didn't do

that crap to me, but I'm still annoyed.

- Babe.

- Fine. I'm dropping it.

- Ok, can I get drunk now?

I mean, can I drink now?

- Yeah, drink. Let's drink.

- Yes, the bitch is back, everyone!

- [Sarah] Where is the whisky?

(gentle piano music)

- Where are you going?

- I just have to run to my apartment and get some work done.

But, hey, stay asleep. I'll be back this afternoon.

- Okay. Love you.

- Love you too.

- We can't keep doing this.

- Did I do something to upset you?

- No, of course not. It's just...

I'm anxious all the time and all I do is lie to everybody.

- Do you want a blowjob?

- No, I'm being serious.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

- It's just getting to be too much.

And Camille is at the house now.

- What? When did Camille get into town?

- Yesterday. And then Steve decided to show up...

- What? Steve was at the house,

with my friends and that fucking floozy?

- Do I have to point out that, I, Steve's best friend,

I'm fucking you, his ex-girlfriend,

who also happens to be best friends with my girlfriend?

- Ok, look, I get it. I'm just ...

I'm sorry, it just irritates me,

I know he did that shit on purpose.

- What, showed up at Sarah's

in hopes Camille would be there,

so he could hang out with us just to make you upset?

- Don't be facetious.

- I'm just pointing out how silly that thinking is.

- No, you're not, you're picking on me.

And you were supposed to call me last night.

- I couldn't. I'm not picking on you.

It's just, I don't think we should start shit

when we are not in such

a wonderfully accepted scenario ourselves.

I just, I think we should put this on hold for a while.

- I don't want to stop seeing you.

- It's just getting too convoluted and more than one person

is gonna get extremely hurt.

- Okay, alright, I mean, listen,

we'll cool it down a little bit.

But, please, just don't stop seeing me.

- Yeah. Okay.

- Okay?

- Yo, yo, motherfucker!

- [Jacob] Steve?

- What's up, bitch?

- What up, dude?

You here for dinner or...

- In a manner of speaking.

- [Jacob] What are you talking about?

- Don't worry about it.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, my God!

- [Camille] Hey, Steve.

- You look fucking unbelievable!

- Where are you guys off? Where are you guys going?

- Steve asked me to dinner.

- And Sarah approved?

- Sarah's not my mother.

- Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

- What? I'm not doing anything.

- You are okay with this, right?

- Of course I'm ok with this, I just had no idea.

Why wouldn't I be ok?

- I don't know. Why wouldn't you be ok?

- [Camille] Good then it's settled. Let's go.

- Hi Sarah. Bye Sarah.

- [Sarah] Have her back at a decent hour.

- I will be.

- Not your mother, huh?

- Be nice.

G'night, Jacob.

- Good night.

- Vinegar, dude.

Seriously, she's gonna piss my mouth tonight.

- Why is Camille going out with Steve?

- You got me.

- I mean, it's just ridiculous. He's not even in her league.

- [Sarah] Well, she's just home for a week,

she probably wants to get laid.

Although, he might wanna be careful or he's gonna get hurt.

- What are you talking about?

If anyone needs to be protective, it's Camille.

- [Sarah] Why are you being so defensive?

- I'm not being defensive. I'm just confused

how you switched your tune so suddenly.

- Look, why are we arguing about Steve and Camille?

They can do whatever they want to.

- And you're not even worried how this may affect Laura?

- [Sarah] Laura's over him.

- Yeah? Are you sure about that?

- I don't know. But they're all adults

and I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

I wanna eat the delicious meal

I just spent two hours cooking for us.

Then I wanna drink some wine, maybe watch a movie,

and fuck my boyfriend. Is that okay?

- I'm sorry. Dinner is delicious.

I'm totally up for all that.

- Then it's settled: dinner, wine, movie, fucking.

- I mean, I can't promise

it's gonna be in that order, but yes.

- Good. Salad?

- Yes, please.

I just don't think he's right for her...

- Jacob!

- Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop.

This looks really delicious. I mean, all of it.

- That was amazing.

- I'm spinning.

- God, I just wanna put it in you right here.

(zipper opening)

Ohhh... Fuck... Yeah... That's right...

Say hello to Tyra.

- [Camille] What?

- Nothing... Just keep sucking.

- Get ready. I wanna go again.

- No more... I can't take anymore.

- You better get that dick hard.

Don't make me stick a pencil in your ass and rape you.

- What?

I'm kidding. I just watched this documentary

on female convicts.

That's how they rape the male guards

who can't get a boner because they're too scared.

Apparently, the force of the pencil

causes pressure on the prostate, causing an erection.

- Ok, ok, no pencil, please. I'll get hard,

just give me a minute.

- You can always go down on me...

You know I like that. It's been a while.

- Ok.

- Oh, oh, God, oh fuck, oh God!

Fuck it! Come inside. But we have to be quiet.

- What was that?

- What?

- That.

- I'm sure it's just Camille. Back to work.

- You could've just stayed in bed and

I'd have gotten coffee on my way home.

- I needed to be up anyway.

- I had a great time last night.

- Yeah, that was fun.

- Are we gonna be able to do this again before you leave?

- I don't see why not.

- Good.

- What?

- You know what.

- [Steve] Good morning, Sarah.

- Good morning, Steve.

- [Camille] What are you doing awake?

- I couldn't sleep, I thought I'd make some coffee

and read the paper.

- Coffee's already on.

- I can smell.

- [Camille] What?

- Laura? What are you doing here?

- I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd read the paper

until you woke up.

- Oh, uhhh...

- Was that Steve's car out front?

- Yes, but I can explain.

- Explain what?

- [Steve] Hi, Laura.

- [Laura] Oh my God! You fucked Steve?

- What? No, of course not.

- Yes, you did, you fucked him!

- [Sarah] Don't be crazy.

- We didn't fuck.

- Then why are you here in what is clearly your clothing

from last night and you're in a robe?

- We did not have sex. I would never sleep with Steve.

- What the fuck is happening?

- Jesus Christ, I slept in Camille's room.

- What? Is Camille still here?

- I know this looks bad, Laura,

but I promise we didn't hook up.

- How did you know Camille was here?

- [Laura] Jacob told me.

- When did you talk to Jacob?

- [Laura] Yesterday.

- Why do you and Jacob talk to each other?

- I don't owe you any explanations and how long did you know

she was coming for?

- Three days ago. I was gonna tell you,

but I forgot and then I...

- We talk twice a day and you forgot each time?

- I haven't seen you, and

I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

- Nothing happened.

- Yeah, right, Camille. I know how you are.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- It means, I know how you can't keep

your hands off of other people's men.

- What's that fucking mean?

- Okay, girls. This is getting out of hand.

- I didn't do anything wrong.

- This time or last time?

- [Camille] What last time?

- [Steve] Okay, Laura, that's enough.

- [Laura] You don't get to tell me what's enough anymore!

- Look, can we all just talk about this

in a civilized manner?

- No, I can't just talk to this asshole

or this fucking hussy.

- What's going on?

- Who are you calling a hussy?

- How often do you talk to Laura?

- You! You're a hussy!

- What?

- What are you talking about?

- Let's not be irrational, Laura.

- I think she has the right to know.

- Know what?

- Laura!

- Camille and Jacob fucked before she went away,

when you guys were first dating.

- What are you talking about?

- Ask her.

- Fuck, Laura!

- Fuck you!

- [Laura] Is it true?

Well, is it?

- Sarah!

- Why would you just come in here and blurt that shit out?

- Oh, go fuck one of your whores!

- Babe, open up.

- [Sarah] Go away.

- It didn't mean anything.

We had just met, we weren't even official yet.

- That's such bullshit!

- [Camille] Sarah, please, let's talk about this.

It was so long ago and it didn't mean a thing.

- No! This whole time you guys have both been lying to me.

I want you out.

I want you all out of my goddamn house now!

- Sarah, please!

This is so fucked.

- Why did you tell Steve?

- He's my best friend.

- I can't believe I ever trusted either one of you.

- Wait, Sarah. Just talk to me!

- No. I have nothing to say to you, to any of you.

- At least, talk to me.

- Oh, yeah you wanna talk?

Let's do it! Let's all talk.

- Thank you.

- And while we're clearing the air,

we might as well get it all out there.

- What else is there?

- Yeah, there's nothing else to speak of.

- Oh no? How's this for more?

- Please, Sarah, don't!

- Jacob, Laura and I had a menage a trois.

- I knew it!

- Yeah... We all fucked

the night you decided to break her heart, asshole!

- We agreed to never mention that.

- You fucked my roommate!

- I don't fucking believe this!

- Yeah? Well, it's the truth.

Should we all have a discussion about it now?

- You said you had my back.

- I did have your back, originally.

- I'm gonna fuck you up!

- Steve!

- Don't you ever call me again. We're not friends!

- I want you all out of my goddamn house, now!

- [Jacob] Hey...

- Especially you, motherfucker!

- Sarah, please, let's talk.

- I'm too hurt. I want you to leave.

- But...

- Get out!

- [Jacob] Thanks for agreeing to meet me.

And, you know, I just wanna say, I really miss you guys,

and I'm sorry for everything that happened.

- [Laura] That was not even close

to being entirely your fault.

- Yeah, I mean, look, we all go through shit sometimes,

it may take a while for us to get over things,

but we'll always be friends.

- Well, thank you.

- Of course.

- [Jacob] You know, I have to say, although I was more

than a little shocked when I ran into you guys

and saw that you were back together, later on it just hit me

how perfect you are for one another.

- Yeah, yeah. I mean, sometimes you just have to

swallow your pride and get really clear on what you want.

And what this whole mess showed me, most of all,

was how much love I still had for Laura

and not to mention how poorly I treated her.

- Of course we both had to

get over the hurt and start fresh,

but, in some ways, the love is even stronger now.

- There must be something really wrong with me,

because I'm looking at you guys,

and you're so great together, and you're happy,

and I know it's for real, and, you know,

I believe what you're saying,

and, yet, when I consider the likeliness that I'll ever have

anything even remotely as good

as what you two have, not only can I not visualize it,

I don't even think I want it.

- I think that's just some bullshit

you've been telling yourself for far too long.

- Yeah. I don't know.

- [Laura] Unquestionably, I do.

- You know what? I would love to just cut to

my next big love affair, you know?

It seems like I thrive at the beginning of relationships.

- Jacob, you cannot just go through life editing out

what you don't like.

If you never experienced the pain,

you wouldn't know how great the pleasure is.

- [Steve] She's right, you know?

- I know, it's just... It's really hard sometimes.

- So, shall we tell him the news?

- What?

Are you getting married?

- To this guy? No!

- Thanks.

- I'm just kidding, you know I love you.

I mean, that's definitely what I used to want.

But I just figured, after everything we've been through,

why can't we just be together?

- Her words. Believe me, I asked, she said no.

- I told you, a piece of paper holds no merit to how I feel.

- So, what's the big news?

I mean, you can't be pregnant...

Holy shit! Congratulations!

How far along?

- [Laura] Thirteen weeks.

- Good, then it can't be mine.

Too soon? Yeah? No?

This is a cause for celebration. We should get some tequila

and toast or are you allowed to have any?

- I can have one, but that's it.

- And don't get any big ideas about a menage a trois.

- What? No, never.

- Good, because, for the next six months,

the only three-way's gonna be happening

will be between me, Laura and the baby.

- You're so disgusting!

Get outta here!

So, J, what are we gonna do about

getting you a new girlfriend?

- No, absolutely not!

- Babe, I told you, leave him alone. He's fine.

- Oh, shush. I know the perfect girl for you.

You're gonna love her! And, as luck would have it,

she just finished writing her first novel

and is in need of an editor.

- No! No more of your friends!

So, have you thought of names yet?

If it's a girl, maybe Tyra.

- [Steve] I like it.

See?

That's a good one.

(gentle music)

("Whiskey & Kerosene", by Jason Hiller)