Original subtitles

* look up and down

* anything happenin'?

* try downtown

* maybe somethin' could

* gotta be careful

* when nothin' is happenin'

* you start feelin' bad

* when you wanna feel good

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, tell me, man

* something's gotta happen

* it's been awful quiet

* in this neighborhood

* believe me, man

* somethin' good has to happen *

* it has to, man

* when you've been waitin' so long *

* when it finally happens

* everything changes

* somethin' turns good, and nothin' goes wrong *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, listen, man

* something's gotta happen

* it's been awful quiet in this neighborhood *

* you really can't explain it

* but you know

* all the good things open up and grow *

* good feels good way down deep inside *

thanks. That felt good.

* there's nothin' that you feel you have to hide *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, listen, man, when you get that feelin' *

* things can't be bad if you're feelin' good *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, believe me, man, when you get that feelin' *

* things can't be bad if you're feelin' good *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, listen, man, when you get that feelin' *

* things can't be bad if you're feelin' good *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

[ horn honks ]

* anything good?

* oh, believe me, man, when you get that feelin' *

hey, Janice, guess what, honey.

[ Cartoon music playing ]

Honey, take a shot.

I quit. I quit smoking for good. That's it.

Two minutes ago, I quit for good.

The way you came in,

I thought you made a sale or something.

No, I didn't make a sale.

As long as you quit,

can I have what you have left?

I just ran out.

No. I threw them in the air.

That's what you do when you quit.

If you're really going to quit,

up in the air.

You are something, Harry.

Boy, you really are something.

Yeah.

Harry, was that your last pack of cigarettes?

Honey, do you have any left in your drawer?

Janice, where's the car? I didn't see the car.

I left it at my mother's.

That's terrific.

That's just the goddamn place to keep the car.

I was tired.

Oh, I can see that.

How many of them friggin' things

you have so far today?

Okay, the car's at your mother's.

Where's Nelson?

I left Nelson at your mother's.

You're a mess, Janice.

I mean, you really are a mess.

I mean, you're so organized.

The car's at your mother's, the kid's at my mother's.

What the hell did you do today?

What? Tell me. What did you do today?

I left Nelson at your mother's

because I went into town with my mother.

Is that so complicated?

Why do you have to be such a bastard, Harry?

Hey, honey, did you go anywhere today?

Did you buy something?

My mother bought a scarf at kroll's on sale --

purple Paisley.

Nice.

Uh, well, did you buy something?

Didn't you get something?

What? Come on, tell me.

A bathing suit.

What?

A bathing suit.

A bathing suit? But why?

Because it made me think

about how I'll be able to fit into one again.

That's why.

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry, too.

So, uh, you bought a bathing suit today.

I think that's terrific -- I mean, really terrific.

It's red with a strap that goes behind the neck.

And there's this little pleated skirt

that you can just take off if you want.

And then my varicose veins started to hurt,

so mom and I went downstairs

and had a coke in kroll's basement,

and then she brought me home.

You want to know how I quit smoking today?

I was walking past the schoolyard,

and these kids said,

"hey, you want to try a few shots?"

They probably knew who I was through an older brother.

They knew I was the rabbit.

I go in, and everything goes swish.

I felt terrific.

I said, "I quit." Up went the cigarettes.

I ran all the way home.

Well, I didn't play any basketball,

so could you go get Nelson and pick me up a pack?

Screw you, Janice. That's all.

Just screw you and your lousy old fashions,

and screw you.

No, fuck you.

What the hell am I doing back here?

Honey, I'll go and fix supper.

Swell.

Think you can do it without burning yourself?

Harry, please don't forget my cigarettes.

Hi, Mrs. Springer.

I guess Janice left the car keys with you, huh?

No, she left them right there in the car

where anyone could just come along

and drive it away.

I'll get them for you, Harry.

Wait just a minute.

Hey, anybody that would want to steal our car

could get away with it by pleading insanity.

Well, how's Janice?

Oh, she's making dinner.

All right. Well, goodbye, Harry.

Goodbye, Mrs. Springer.

Hi, Harry.

Pop.

Harry. Cup of coffee, Harry?

No, thanks, mom. Janice is making dinner.

Nelson ate up nearly everything

on his plate, didn't you, Nellie?

Come on. I told you, don't call him Nellie, huh?

Right?

Right.

Ready to go home?

Okay.

Mrs. Angstrom: How is Janice, Harry?

Well, she's just...

Just getting bigger.

Hey, Harry. Good night, pop.

Good night, dear.

Good night, mom.

Good night, Nellie.

Harry doesn't like him to be called Nellie.

Yeah. Where are you going, mamie?

Heavy date. Good night.

Good night, dear.

What the hell?

Did that dress shrink or something?

Who is she going with?

Oh, some boy.

Why don't you let Nelson stay over with US tonight?

He's been so good all day.

You know what, mom? Janice is making dinner.

He ate already, Harry. He's all full.

Yeah, okay?

Yeah, I guess so. Sure.

You be a good boy for Nana, all right?

Okay.

Give daddy a kiss.

All right, good night, mom, pop.

Good night, Harry.

Good night.

I'll, uh, see you tomorrow.

[ Cartoon music playing ]

Tweety: I thought I saw a puddycat.

Man: Here's an old cat who knows chickens, Sarah --

a tweety bird cat.

Sylvester: Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!

Ain't nobody here but US cwickets.

Suffering succotash.

Now I got you, you little bird.

I'll have a swell dinner tonight all by myself.

First I got to get a little salt and pepper on you.

[ Turns off television ]

[ Turns on television ]

Woman: Purchase necessary.

Your super surprise envelope

could contain one of 5,000 prizes,

including an all-expense paid two weeks at fabulous,

free-wheelin', fun-filled Miami beach.

See you in Miami?

Why not?

[ Drums beating ]

[ Cartoon music playing ]

[ Starts engine ]

[ Turns on radio ]

* came the way it's gone

* oh, ohh

* glory

* glory

* my breath sings about you

* my soul is singin' a song

* lord, lord --

[ engine stalls ]

God damn it.

[ Starts engine ]

* hallelujah

* the truth keeps marching on

* oh, yes, it does now

* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

* oh, lord

* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

* every mornin'

* the sun lights the soul

man: It's George Michael

from the music authority in Philadelphia -- wifl.

Candy staton -- "stand by your man."

* sometimes it's hard

* to be a woman

* giving all your love

* to just one man

* oh, yeah

* you'll have bad times

* he'll have good times

* doing things that you don't understand *

Man: Swing and a miss, and that retires the side.

We'll be back with the top of the 9th

after this brief message.

Man #2: Guys with style don't listen to hit songs.

They write 'em.

Guys with style don't comb their hair.

They style it with d-e-p --

dep for men hairdress styling gel or cream.

Dep for men gives you something

yesterday's hair grooming products can't --

styling control.

Woman: * hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

[ Changes radio station ]

Man: Jack Edward shell on the big 6-0 -- wzio.

Back in 5 after the news at 9:55.

[ Changes radio station ]

Man: * and black's white today, and day's night today *

* and most guys today that women prize today *

* are just silly gigolos

[ Changes radio station ]

Frank Sinatra: * and each time I roam

* Miami

* Chicago is

* calling me home

* Chicago is

* why I just grin like a clown *

* it's my kind

group: * hold on

* just a little bit tighter now, baby *

* I love you so much, and I can't let go *

* no, no, no

[ slow piano music playing ]

Woman: * he dances overhead

* on the ceiling near my bed

* in my sight

* through the night

* I tried to hide in vain

* underneath my counterpane

* there's my love

* up above

* I whispered, "go away, my lover *

* it's not fair"

* but I'm so grateful to discover *

* he's still there

Hey, Mr. Tothero?

Mr. Tothero.

Harry. The great Harry angstrom.

Hey, coach.

Listen, Mr. Tothero, I need your advice.

Oh?

Actually, what I really need

is a place to sleep for a little while.

Harry, are you trying to say

you don't have a home to go to?

Well, I did -- I mean, till last night.

It just sort of fell apart.

Well, what do you mean fell apart?

I drove all the way to Virginia,

and then, you know,

I just turned around and came home.

I've run out. I really have.

Well, Harry,

that doesn't sound like mature behavior at all.

Well, it's hard to explain.

My wife, she's an alcoholic.

She is? Really?

Well, you've tried to help her,

haven't you, Harry?

Well, sure, I have.

Um, what do you mean...

Well, most important -- did you drink with her?

No, sir, never.

I can't stand the stuff. I don't like the taste.

Maybe you should have, Harry.

Maybe you should have.

Then maybe she could have controlled it.

Oh, you married

that adorable little Janice springer, didn't you?

Yeah, I sure did.

She's dumb. She's such a mess.

Oh, Harry, that's a harsh thing to say

about any human soul.

You look terrible, Harry, just terrible.

Harry, you asked for two things,

two things, Harry --

a place to sleep and some advice.

Harry, I'm going to give you a place to sleep,

provided -- provided, Harry, when you wake up,

we must have a long and serious talk

about this crisis in your marriage.

It's not you I'm worried about, Harry,

it's Janice.

She doesn't have your coordination.

[ Door opens ]

Here's my mansion, Harry,

your old coach's home and hearth.

It's all yours.

Thanks a million, coach. Thanks.

I just need a couple hours' sleep,

and then I'll be able to think better.

That's all we ask, Harry.

What's that, Harry?

That -- that thing you're wearing.

It's the gold fist you gave me.

Remember? Gold...

Um...is there a bathroom?

It's downstairs.

I might as well forget it.

Harry.

Harry, you've slept like a baby.

It's getting dark outside. Come on, get up.

We're going out. I've got a girl for you.

Good. Bring her in.

You don't mean Janice, do you?

Janice? Let's not talk about little mutts

like Janice springer, Harry boy.

You've slept like a baby. It's getting dark outside.

Come on. Get up, Harry. Aren't you hungry?

Hunger, Harry.

Try to understand an old man's hunger.

You eat and eat and eat,

and it's never the right food.

What's this girl business?

What is it?

Tits, Harry.

Tits and pussy.

That's what it's really about, isn't it --

tits and pussy?

Um...

Listen, I think I'd better run along.

No, Harry.

I thought that we were going to talk about Janice

when I got up.

We will, Harry,

as soon as our social obligations are satisfied.

If you want to go back to Janice springer right now,

you just say so.

No, god, no.

Good, good. You'll need a fresh shirt.

Well, yours wouldn't fit me, coach.

It wouldn't? What size do you wear, Harry?

A 15 1/2 -- 33.

Oh, it's my size exactly. I knew it.

Just don't button the top button.

Oh, Harry, these young ladies we're going to meet --

I don't know what yours is like,

but promise me you'll behave like a gentleman.

Oh, yeah.

You'll like my friend Margaret, Harry.

She's come to grips.

Oh, really? With what?

Several strikes against her since birth,

and she's come to grips.

Do you realize, Harry, that women have hair

on every part of their bodies?

No, I never really thought about it.

Well, do, Harry. Do think about it.

Women are monkeys, my boy -- monkeys.

Monkeys.

Then why do we love them, Harry?

Answer that, and you'll answer the riddle of life.

Now, but this is no time to get serious, Harry boy.

Um, you want to put the top down?

Oh, sure, sure.

Ready?

It looks a little better.

This is the night, Harry boy.

The women are dropping down out of the trees.

Blippity, blippity.

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

It's such a pleasure

to introduce two such wonderful people as you two.

Does everybody call you Harry?

Doesn't anybody call you Harold?

Never Harold. Either Harry or rabbit.

Yeah, that's right.

All the boys used to call you rabbit.

All the other players.

Funny, somehow I'd forgotten that.

So this old bum was your coach?

Ruth.

Hey, he was no bum.

He was a great coach.

Oh, no, Harry.

You were a great coach -- the best.

I was, but now I'm just a vile old bum

fallen among princesses.

Now, now, you're nothing like a bum.

As Harry's coach,

I was concerned with developing

the three tools we were given in life --

the head, the body, and the heart.

How about the crotch?

Now, Harry, you listen to me.

Basketball is an elegant game.

Yeah, sure is.

You know, yesterday I was walking past the brewery,

and these kids were playing --

let me finish, Harry,

and then you can talk, all right?

See, an athlete like Harry who has had heart

can never become, in the deeper sense,

a failure in the game of life.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, well, nothing. I mean, not anymore.

I was selling phony stone siding till yesterday.

Noble calling.

You remember my best night,

the time we went down to the end of the county

to play that school?

What school, Harry?

At the end of the county.

End of the county?

Oh, oh, yeah.

It had a bird's name.

It was Robin --

no, it wasn't that. Oriole, oriole high.

Oriole high, of course.

Now I remember -- the oriole high.

Yeah, I'd forgotten that, too, but --

oh, waiter, waiter, another round, please.

The same thing all around.

Double cutty rocks, three daqs.

Three daqs, right.

You were a natural. Yes, you were.

Do you know the first game he ever played,

he made 20 points?

23.

Think of that girls. 23.

Say, listen, are we going to eat

or sit just here and listen to you two guys bullshit

about basketball all night?

Margaret, please, Margaret.

Pay no attention to her, Harry.

Take a tramp to dinner, and the first thing --

you son of a bitch.

We're going.

You son of a bitch.

Are you coming, Margaret, dear?

Can you believe this creep?

Harry, don't get up.

Don't let our vulgarity spoil your evening.

I couldn't borrow your car, could I, Harry?

How would I get anywhere?

That's right. Just forget it. It was an insane thought.

Sick bastard.

Tothero: And don't forget, Harry,

the door to my mansion is always open.

I'll be fine. I'll get a hotel room.

We must have a long talk sometime.

All right.

Coming, Margaret, dear?

Does your friend always haul off

and hit people like that?

Sometimes, but he happens to like it.

Like it? Who likes being hit?

Sickies.

Well, somebody ought to straighten her out.

She's dumb, boy. I mean, really dumb.

Dumber than you know.

Don't be too sure.

I married to one dumber than they come.

Oh, is that right?

Well, I mean, I was.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I'm sort of --

sort of separated.

Where's your wife?

She's probably at her parents.

I just left her last night.

I see,

and this is your big Saturday night out.

Well, you don't understand.

I'll explain it to you.

I don't want to hear about it.

Well, what do we talk about?

Ha ha ha.

Well...

Are you really moving into a hotel tonight?

Yeah, guess I have to.

Hotels are so damned expensive

once you start living in them.

You know, even my little apartment's expensive.

Well, where is your little apartment?

On summer street.

It's a couple of blocks from here.

Oh. How expensive is your little apartment?

Well, I don't think that's any of your business,

is it?

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Hey, listen, I got an idea.

Why don't you let me give you a little something

towards your rent?

Now why would you want to do that?

Just bighearted, I guess.

Would a $20 help?

$40 would.

* look up and down

* anything happenin'?

* try downtown

* maybe somethin' could

* you gotta be careful

* when nothin' is happenin'

* you start feelin' bad

* when you wanna feel good

hey, cut it --

get out.

I just had to hug you.

Hey, what's wrong with that? I just wanted to hug you.

Hug me? Kill seems more like it.

I just had to get it out of my system.

I know all about your systems.

Bing, bang -- it's all over.

Uh, it won't be like that.

Well, it better be

'cause I want you out of here.

No, you don't.

You all think you're such great lovers.

I am.

Well, that's the bed. I'll be back in a minute.

Where are you going?

I got to go to the John, okay?

You're not going to get undressed in there, are you?

Yeah.

Don't.

I mean, well, let me undress you.

Please.

Well, I still have to go to the John.

Uh, don't close the door.

Jesus Christ.

Harry: Yeah, well, you know.

What are you?

You think you're married to me or something?

Pretend this is our wedding night.

You've got a lot of nerve

for a guy I just met an hour ago.

Well, I meant just for tonight.

Ha ha.

Hey, I'll do that. Let me do that, okay?

I'll do it.

Hey, watch out.

Don't try your lover stuff on me. Just come and go.

Go ahead, hit me.

You want to hit me? Go ahead, hit me.

Oh, boy.

It's what Margaret has to do for your old flaky friend

to get him going.

I don't want to talk about him.

Well, then stop screwing around

and undress me.

You sure have a sweet tongue.

Coming in?

You still have that crummy makeup on your face.

I'm going to get a washrag.

I don't want my goddamned face washed.

Hey! Hey, wait.

Hey.

Why did you have to do that, rabbit?

I just love you too much not to.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

You know, that sounded good, you just calling me rabbit.

Well, you know, in that damned elastic underwear,

you kind of look like a bunny rabbit.

Ha ha ha.

Do you always get in bed

before you take your underwear off?

Oh, come on.

I didn't like the way you were watching me.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, you are something.

I'm something.

You're something.

* you don't love me

* you don't love me

* you don't love me

* you don't love me

* you don't love me

* you don't love me

* you don't love me

* you don't love me

[ Church bells chime ]

Ruth: Sunday mornings.

I could throw up every Sunday morning.

Why?

You know, I once had a guy that came in here

at 8:00 Sunday mornings.

8:00?

Yeah, he had to teach Sunday school at 9:30.

Yuck.

Why, don't you like the idea of Sunday school?

Do you?

Yeah, I think I do.

Just get out of my bed.

Tell me why you like me so much.

'Cause.

'Cause why?

'Cause you're -- ha ha ha.

You're bigger than I am.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

I'll go out, get US some stuff,

and you can cook US lunch.

You know, you're pretty mixed up

about the wedding night and the morning after.

You got somebody coming in here today?

No, I don't have anybody coming in here today.

Well, great. What will I get?

Well, what do you want?

Yeah, I really wanted lamb chops,

but that store on the corner,

they only had hot dogs, or they had salami,

or they had hash in cans. I hate meat in cans.

I used to love to cook when I was in school.

You know how

everybody's supposed to be good at something?

Cooking was my thing. I was really good at cooking.

I was also the fattest kid in the school.

You told me about that last night.

That shirt is filthy. Did you know that?

Well, it's not mine.

Hmm.

Well, actually, you see, it's tothero's.

Maybe I ought to go home to the apartment

and get some clean clothes.

Suppose your wife's there?

Oh, she won't be. She's at her mother's.

I think you'd like it if she was there.

I would like hell.

You know, I'm scared of her.

Obviously.

No, she's a menace.

Oh, that poor simple wife you wanted to talk about?

Unh-unh.

I'd say you're the menace.

Well, let me ask you something, rabbit.

Where are you taking those clothes you're getting?

Well, I thought I'd bring them here.

You know, I just meant for tonight.

You're not busy or anything tonight, are you?

Maybe. I don't know. Maybe.

I don't know.

Probably not.

Terrific.

Listen, I love you.

Oh, rabbit.

Good afternoon, Mr. Angstrom.

Oh, hi.

Just doing a little spring cleaning.

I beg your pardon. Are you Harry angstrom?

Yeah.

I'm Jack eccles.

Well, where are you going?

Oh, I'm not going anywhere.

Well, perhaps I can give you a lift.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

I'd like to talk to you.

You really don't want to, do you?

No, I really would like that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

This is about Janice, isn't it?

Yeah.

Cigarette?

No, I quit smoking again.

Oh, wow. You're a better man than I am.

Anyway, when you didn't come home on Friday night,

your wife was in such a state --

alcoholic and otherwise -- that her mother called me.

Hey, listen,

I'm awful sorry. I didn't mean --

don't worry about that,

but one thing I did want to ask you, Harry -- hop in.

Oh, it's locked.

All right, just a minute. Here.

What --

what exactly is your...

You know, plan?

Plan?

Yeah.

I really don't -- don't have a plan.

I guess I'm playing it by ear.

I see.

What did your wife do that made you leave?

She asked me to get her a pack of cigarettes.

Poor kid.

I mean, she's really such a mutt, you know.

Well, why are you sitting here with me?

'Cause you caught me.

Well, what made you go home, hmm?

I needed clean clothes.

I left the keys there for the car.

You know, her father gave it to US.

He owns a used car lot.

Don't you need it to escape?

No, I don't think so.

If I were to leave my wife, I'd get into my car

and drive a thousand miles without stopping.

Hey, that's what I did.

I mean, I drove all the way to Virginia, you know,

and then, you know, I said to hell with it.

Harry, would you like me to take you to your wife?

No. Look, I think i'd better get out of here.

Do you believe in god?

Yeah.

Do you believe that god

wants you to make your wife suffer?

No.

Can I drop you off where you're staying now?

Well, I'm not staying anywhere.

Okay.

[ Brakes screech ]

[ Rattling ]

Sound like you're falling apart.

Huh? Oh, it's my golf clubs.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, you play?

When I was a kid, I caddied a little.

How about US getting together for a game?

I haven't got any clubs.

I can borrow a set for you easy.

How's 2:00 on Tuesday? Can I pick you up?

No, I'll come to your place.

742 Frazier Avenue, 2:00 on Tuesday.

I'm going to play some golf with him on Tuesday.

You're kidding.

I mean it. I told him I don't know how.

Oh, rabbit,

you just blunder right through it all, don't you?

I mean, he got hold of me.

Oh, poor baby.

Rabbit, you are just irresistible.

Ha ha ha.

Are you really a whore, honey?

Are you really a rat?

In a way.

Well, then...

* marry me

[ rings doorbell ]

Woman: Coming.

Yes?

Reverend eccles live here?

Well, then I guess he's expecting you.

He told me to be here at 2:00.

Won't you come in, please?

Hey, um, are you the babysitter?

I'm the wife.

Jack?

You have a visitor.

You asked him to come by.

To, uh, play golf.

To play golf.

Jack: Harry? I'll be right down.

Harry?

Yeah, Harry angstrom.

Angstrom, of course.

The springer's son-in-law.

My, my. The one who ran away.

Right.

Best first drive I ever saw.

Hey, um, before I forget,

would you be interested in a job?

No, I don't think so.

What kind?

Parishioner of mine

has this remarkable rhododendron garden

out toward appleboro, and she needs a gardener.

Her late husband was

an incredible rhododendron enthusiast.

I don't know anything about gardening.

That's all right.

Mrs. Smith says there's no gardeners left

for what she can afford -- $60 a week.

That's your minimum wage.

Yeah. Wouldn't be a full 40 hours.

You'd have plenty of free time.

Free time is what you want, isn't it?

I'm not even sure I'm going to stay

in this part of the country.

Girl kicking you out?

What girl?

What's her name -- Ruth Leonard?

Strange thing about you mystics,

and you do put yourself up to be a mystic.

It's remarkable

how often your ecstasies wear tight skirts.

I didn't have to show up here today, you know it?

No, I know you didn't.

Forgive me, Harry.

For some reason, I'm very depressed.

I'm sorry.

She seemed in good spirits on Monday.

She was out in the backyard with this other woman.

They were giggling away when I came by.

What did this other woman look like?

I'm not really sure.

I was distracted by her sunglasses.

They were the mirrored kind with the wide sidepieces.

Peggy green -- that moron.

God damn it.

For a beginner,

you haven't miss the ball completely one time.

Oh, now, stroke it, Harry.

Stroke it, huh?

You know, uh,

there's something you should know.

When Janice and I first started going together,

we used her girlfriend's apartment to get together

once in a while, you know?

Well, she never once came in our bed

the way she did in that one.

Harry, you're obviously deeply involved with Janice.

How can you just leave her like this?

There was this thing that wasn't there.

What is it, Harry? Is it hard or soft?

Is it blue? Is it red? Does it have polka dots?

The truth is, Harry angstrom, you are monstrously selfish.

You're a coward.

You don't care about right or wrong.

You worship nothing

but your own worst instincts.

Ah, now that is a plant.

My Harry's pink Bianchi.

I'm still a farmer's daughter, Mr. Angstrom,

and a farmer's daughter

never learns the meaning of sit.

These past two months I've been with you,

I sure know what you mean.

You don't mind walking in and out of your garden.

Come on, now. Sit down. There.

Oh, when Harry was alive,

people from all over used to wander through here.

He was such a showoff.

This one woman -- Mrs. Foster,

lipstick halfway up to her nose --

used to say, "why, Mrs. Smith,

this must be what heaven is like."

Well, sir, one year I said to her,

"well, if I'm driving 6 miles

"to St. John's episcopal church every Sunday

"just to get myself another splash of rhodies,

"I might as well save myself the trip,

'cause I don't want to go."

Wasn't that a dreadful thing to say to her?

She's passed on now, poor thing.

Well, uh, now she knows what heaven's like.

Maybe what looked like rhodies to her

looked like alfalfa to a farmer's daughter.

Exactly. Exactly.

You know, Mr. Angstrom,

it's such a pleasure having you here.

You and I, we think alike, don't we?

Now, don't we?

You have it pretty good, don't you?

What?

I said, you have it pretty goddamned good.

US going swimming on my day off?

What's so great about that?

That's not what I meant.

Look at all you've got --

eccles to play golf with every week

while he keeps your wife off your back,

sweet old Mrs. Smith desperately in love with you.

You think she is in love with me?

I mean, Mrs. Smith?

And then, of course, you've got me.

I'm a mystic.

That's what Jack eccles keeps telling me.

I give people a special faith.

Well, you give me a pain in the ass.

Hey, listen, what's your beef?

I take care of you.

How come I work at an insurance company

eight hours a day?

Quit. I don't care. Sit around all day.

Now I'm going to tell you something.

When I left Janice, I made a terrific discovery.

Like what?

Like if you got the guts to be yourself,

people will pay you a price for you, and gladly.

You're becoming quite a golf player.

Well, playing golf with someone

might be one way to get to know him.

You can't lead someone to Christ unless you know him.

What do you know

about Harry angstrom that I don't?

That he's a good man, for one thing.

Nice to say,

but not if you're nine months expecting

and your husband's running around with some floozy.

You think that's funny?

No one thinks it's funny, Mrs. Springer,

but I'm quite sure that he'll come back to her.

You've been saying that for two months.

Uh, would you get me that stool over there?

I got to get my legs up.

Ah.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. That's a real relief.

He has no reason to come back

unless we give him one.

Peggy green hears

he's leading the life of Riley.

God knows how many women he has.

Just one, I'm sure.

Strange thing about Harry.

He is by nature a domestic creature.

Next you'll be telling me this is all Janice's fault.

Never wanted him to go with that girl.

To look at her, you know she's two-thirds crazy.

Surely you don't mean that.

Gets herself pregnant so poor hassy

has to marry her.

He can hardly tuck his shirttail in.

He was, as you say, at one time.

Well, some die young, and some are born old.

What does Mr. Angstrom think Harry should do?

Crawl back. What else?

Oh, how are you doing, father?

Mr. Angstrom.

We've just been talking about your son.

I feel terrible about all this.

He goes on about that girl

as if she were the mother of Christ.

That's not so.

I just don't see how Harry could make such a mess.

It was the army.

He came back from that army camp

a different boy.

That's true, father.

High school, he was outstanding.

You'd be proud of his basketball.

Excuse me. See you later, mom.

I'm late.

Mr. Angstrom: Where are you going?

Out.

Anyhow, Harry comes home from the army,

all he thinks about now is chasing ass.

Watch your language.

I'm sorry. Excuse me, father.

A good swift kick is what he needs.

The way you talk,

you'd think poor hassy was your enemy.

He is my enemy.

At night, I walked the streets looking for him.

He became my enemy. Don't you talk.

You didn't see that girl's face.

I know these young bums today, father.

They can't stick to anything.

They're cripples,

human garbage.

I think you've got it wrong, Mr. Angstrom.

I really do.

Barbara knows all the best places.

You're the one wanted to get out of the house.

I ain't complaining.

Yeah, I noticed. Don't fall in.

Hello.

Hey, well, look at you two.

What did you expect?

I mean, still hanging together.

Harry angstrom, how the hell are you?

Barney? Jesus. How you been?

Jesus. Hey, how you been?

How's life treating you, you old lech?

Word around is you got it made.

Hey, uh, how's tothero?

Tother-who?

Nutty old creep had a stroke or something.

Stroke?

He moved in with his wife, last I heard.

Barney: What are you guys drinking?

Ruth: Daiquiri -- two.

Old angst was the best. High scorer every year.

Of course, we all had to feed him the ball.

He was tothero's prized pupil.

They went in, though, didn't they, barn?

Sometimes. Not all the time.

Please, let's don't talk basketball.

Every time we meet somebody,

this bastard talks nothing but.

Hi, ruthie. How you been?

I often think about you.

Well, don't waste your time.

Ruthie and I spent one of the wackiest weekends

in Atlantic city once.

We went with another couple.

Sounds like a ball.

Disgusting pair.

They never left the motel.

This guy we're talking about -- Hank fine?

Claimed he achieved 11 climaxes in 36 hours.

Wow.

Oh, the worst thing

was that they did it in the car coming home.

Here we are in the Sunday night traffic,

I turn around,

and there is Betsy in the back seat

with her dress up around her neck.

Hey, hey, we finally made them drive, remember?

Yeah.

Oh, this guy,

he had some of the flakiest ideas.

He told US that right before the crucial moment,

you're supposed to slap your partner

in the face as hard as you can.

What if you're not in that position?

Slap whatever you can reach.

Hey, what did this guy think about biting?

Biting?

Yeah, yeah, you know,

a good -- really, a big, hard bite.

Nothing better.

See, there was this cathouse,

you know, and I was in the army in Texas.

You don't want to hear about it, do you?

Sure, go ahead.

There was this, um, girl,

whose backside had been bitten so much

that it looked like a piece of cardboard

left in the rain.

They said that was all she was good for.

They swore she was still a virgin.

That's absolutely fantastic!

Hey, angst, isn't that your sister up there?

Is it, honey?

How do you know her?

I see her around.

You do, huh?

What are you doing here?

Well, hi.

Johnny, this is my big brother Harry.

Hi, big brother Harry.

What's new, mamie?

What's new, Harry, is mom and dad are sick

with the mess you got yourself in.

They'd really be sick

if they saw you hanging out in a joint like this.

Why? What's wrong with this?

This clown should know better.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Leave him alone, Harry! Cut it out!

[ Woman screams ]

Mamie: Harry.

Come on, we're going. Come on.

Harry.

A weekend in Atlantic city with that bastard.

What makes him a bastard?

He's not and I am.

Who said that?

You did.

Don't try to switch things around.

You see your kid sister

and you practically wet your pants.

You see the creep she was with?

If this is what seeing your sister

does to you with some guy,

I'm glad we're not married.

What brought that up?

You did. The first night, that's all you talked about.

That was a nice night.

All right.

All right, my ass.

You've laid Barney, haven't you?

I guess.

What do you mean you guess?

He was a date.

What the hell does that mean?

How do you think fat ruthie got dates?

Then the answer is yes, right?

I said so.

Well, how many others, huh? 50, 100, 300, 500?

That's a stupid question.

Why?

How many times have you been to the movies?

It's the same thing to you?

No, it's not the same thing to me.

You knew what I was.

Well, I'm not sure I did.

Did you ever pose for pictures?

For money?

No.

Well, did you ever, uh...

You know, go down?

Rabbit, maybe we better say bye-bye right now.

I don't want to say bye-bye right now.

I want an answer.

Then the answer is yes.

So the, uh, the answer's yes, right?

Hmm? With Barney?

Don't start this again.

What does Barney have to do with US?

He has, um, plenty.

Could you do the same,

uh, for me that you did for him?

If you wanted me to.

Well?

Are we talking about the same thing?

Yeah, yeah.

In cold blood, just like that?

Is that so terrible to you?

May I ask what I've done?

The way you acted tonight.

How did I act?

Like -- just like what you were.

I didn't mean to.

Well, that's just the way it, um...

It looked.

You're pretty cute.

You just want it, that's all.

That so awful?

Only because you think it is.

Maybe I don't.

Maybe I -- maybe I don't.

What is this going to prove?

That you love me, for one thing.

Will it?

Yeah. Yeah, it will.

Do I take my clothes off?

Yeah.

* I'm gonna make you

* make you love me

* I'm gonna make you love me right now *

* yeah

[ telephone rings ]

[ Ring ]

Hello?

Thank god you answered. Thank god.

Who the hell is this?

Jack eccles.

Oh, hi, Jack.

Janice is starting to have the baby.

Yeah? Where is she?

Uh, St. Joseph's.

I guess I should be there.

I mean, I really should.

I can pick you up.

No. Um, I'll walk.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah. 10 minutes.

I'm praying for you, Harry.

What?

I'll start now and meet you there.

Yeah, okay.

Um, honey?

Hey, Ruth?

Um, I got to go out.

My wife's having a baby.

I guess I'm supposed to see her through this thing.

I ought to be back in a couple hours.

I, uh, I love you.

Listen, I got to do this thing.

It's my baby she's having.

She's so dumb.

I don't think she can do it by herself, you know?

And, uh...

It's the least I owe her, for Christ's sake.

If you don't say something, Ruth,

I'm not going to come back.

Ruth?

Mrs. Springer.

If you came here hoping she's going to die in there,

you better go back to wherever you came from

because she's been doing fine without you right along.

There's a very good article in here by Jack nicklaus

on controlled putting. Very interesting.

Jesus Christ.

Well, look who it isn't.

Honey, you got to take it easy now.

Take it easy.

I have no legs.

It's the funniest feeling.

You haven't?

They gave me a spinal the very last minute,

then I remember them saying, "push,"

and then here's this teeny, angry baby looking at me.

All the time I kept thinking,

"it's Harry's baby."

It was like I was having you.

The only thing I really minded

was this old nun shaving me with a dry razor.

She did?

Hey, did we want a girl?

Come on. Say we did.

Yeah, we really did.

We have a little baby.

God, I --

I don't know why I did what I did.

I don't know why.

You look so good.

Uh, you look terrific.

Harry, did you make love to other women?

It's okay if you did.

You see, I figure that way

you'll make better love to me.

No, Harry, I didn't mean that.

You're a good lover, Harry.

You know, you're pretty sexy

for someone who's gone through

what you've gone through.

That's the way you feel.

You're funny.

I'd like to get you in bed right here beside me,

but it's so narrow.

Mr. Angstrom,

your wife better get some sleep now.

Sorry.

Harry, please don't leave me.

Um, well,

I'll come back tomorrow, okay?

Mr. Angstrom?

Mr. Angstrom, are you awake?

I'm up. I'll be right out.

It's 12:20.

Jack said to tell you visiting hours

are between 1:00 and 3:00.

Uh, where's Jack?

At church playing ping-pong with the children

or discussing contraception with one of the wives.

You know, working.

Jack's very fond of you,

though I can't imagine why.

You know, Jack showed me something

driving home last night.

There's been no direction in the way I've been living.

He and I think alike in a lot of ways.

It's the differences I find interesting.

Um, I don't get it.

It's very simple.

The basic difference between you and Jack

is that you're not afraid of women.

Oh, uh, Jack is?

Oh, yeah.

It's his christianity.

Makes him very neurotic.

You'd be surprised.

I-I dig Jack.

I dig you.

Hey, I mean, uh, I dig you.

A week ago I would have blown my mind

for an opportunity like this,

but I got this wife and baby now.

Thanks, anyway.

Son of a bitch.

Holy Christ. Forget I said thanks.

Pardon me, young man. I'm Mrs. Tothero.

You had dinner with Charles and me one time,

but I just can't think of your name.

It's angstrom, Harry angstrom.

That's it -- angstrom.

Charles was so proud of you.

Um, I hear he's been sick.

Two strokes,

one since he's been here at the hospital.

He's here?

Yes. Could you just come visit him

for a minute, please?

My wife had the baby, coach.

It was a girl.

7 pounds, 10 ounces.

Mrs. Tothero: He can't lift his arms, Mr. Angstrom.

He's completely helpless.

He sees you.

I think he can hear what you say.

Uh...

I certainly want to thank you, Mr. Tothero,

I mean, really thank you

for everything you did for me and Janice

to get US back together again.

Uh...

Thank you, young man.

Thank you very much.

Listen, you can't stay at the eccles again tonight.

Where do you plan to stay?

Uh...

Well, I thought that Nelson and I

would move back into the apartment.

Hey, listen, do you have a quarter in your change?

Hmm?

A quarter.

Could you put it in the television?

You see, mom and I got used to watching

this real good show when I was home alone so much.

Hey, I saw the baby, honey,

you know, through the window.

Looked terrific.

That's good. Harry, would you please turn up the sound

just a little bit, please?

Nelson: Mom-mom gave me this.

What?

Mom-mom gave me this.

Mom-mom gave you this truck?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Mom-mom and pop-pop?

Yeah.

That was nice of them, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you know that mom-mom is mommy's mommy?

Yeah.

Did you know that mommy was coming home Friday

from the hospital?

Yeah.

With a new baby?

Yeah.

You knew that, too?

Well, won't that be nice?

Will you go away when mommy comes home again?

No.

No.

No, I'm not going to go anywhere.

I'm going to stay home and play with Nelson, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Honk.

Honk.

Ha ha!

How do you do, Nelson?

I know pastor eccles phoned you,

but I thought i'd tell you myself.

I'm going to work for my father-in-law.

I'm going to try to sell used cars.

You know, with the baby and Nelson,

I guess I have to.

Yes, of course. Don't talk on so.

Your boy is allowed to eat candy, isn't he?

Sure, I guess so.

Well, let the boy have his pick.

No, not that one, Nelson. You won't like it.

It's got a cherry in it.

Shush, Harry. Let the boy have what he wants.

One thing we did, Harry,

we brought the rhodies in this year.

We did that, didn't we?

That would have pleased my Harry, I know that.

Working here has been like, uh,

well, like heaven, like what's-her-name once said.

Alma foster, dear soul.

Lipstick halfway up her nose.

I'll never forget her. Not a brain in her body.

It's been my duty keeping this garden up.

Well, uh, you'll get somebody.

This would be a great job for a high school kid.

No, Harry, no one else.

I doubt if I'll be here next spring

to watch Harry's rhodies come in.

I held back that thought all last winter,

and then one day there you were burning the cuttings.

It was then that I knew we'd bring them in this year.

You gave me that, Harry -- life.

You did.

You have a gift, and it's a good one.

A good one.

Fine, strong man.

Goodbye, Nelson.

Janice: We're home.

Oh, Harry.

That's your sister Becky.

I know.

Go ahead. You want to touch her?

Go ahead. Come on.

Nelson: Uh...

He's going to be a real boy, dribble like his daddy.

He couldn't be...

He's got those little springer hands like his mother.

How's mam doing?

We don't see much of mam anymore, Harry.

So now you're going to try your hand selling cars.

Yep.

What's going to happen to that girl

you've been living with?

Her?

Oh, uh, well, she can take care of herself.

She really never expected anything from me.

Well, it's the truth.

I'm not saying anything, Harry.

I'm not saying one word.

Harry: Hi, nels.

Hi, daddy.

Pretty nice for her.

Harry, bad joke.

What, honey? I was only kidding.

Well, I'm not.

She's been at me every couple of hours.

I think I'm going dry.

In two and a half weeks?

I fed her three times in four hours.

There just doesn't seem to be enough.

Well, uh, have a drink or something.

You have a drink.

I don't need a drink.

Well, you need something.

You walk in, and the baby starts crying.

She was just fine until you got home.

Then forget it.

Just forget it.

Becky wet, mommy?

She's just hot, honey. She'll be all right.

Ah...

Do you hurt? I mean, down there?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I don't. I just need some rest.

[ Becky crying ]

Oh, god.

It's all right. Honey, I'll get her.

If she doesn't need to be changed,

try walking her. I'm exhausted.

[ Stops crying ]

Must have been a bubble, huh?

Poor little thing gets so hungry,

and I just don't have enough milk for her.

Well, I can't understand that.

They've been looking like melons lately.

Please, just don't start getting a taste for melon.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm going to fix you a drink

whether you like it or not, okay?

Hmm?

Okay.

Harry, honey, I want to go to sleep.

Why do you wait till now to tell me?

I don't know. I didn't know.

Didn't know what?

I didn't know what you were doing.

I thought you were being gentle, being nice.

I am being gentle. I'm being nice.

But not when I can't do anything.

You can't?

No, I can't, not for six weeks.

They told you that.

Well, honey, you could love me, couldn't you?

I do love you.

Honey, please, can't you go to sleep?

Honey, I can't. I just love you too much.

I can't, I can't.

Okay? Just for a little bit, honey.

Just let me cuddle up real close.

Come on, honey.

Harry...

Honey, come on, please?

Come on, honey, just turn over.

I'm not a whore, Harry.

Don't try some trick you learned with your whore on me.

First thing I've asked you since you come home.

I know. You've been wonderful to me.

Thank you, Mrs. Angstrom.

Harry, where are you going?

Out, I'm going out.

Honey, I've just had a baby. Try to imagine how I feel.

I can, but right now the important thing

is how I feel, and I feel like getting out.

Harry, please don't go out.

Kiss your precious ass!

I ain't going to kiss it.

[ Tearfully ] For god's sake, Harry.

Daddy's at work, Nelson.

Did daddy go away again?

Daddy's at work, Nelson.

Daddy's not away.

Daddy's with pop-pop selling cars.

That's right.

Daddy works very hard selling cars.

Man: A bachelor who is a field supervisor...

[ Telephone rings ]

A bachelor who is a sales supervisor have in common?

[ Ring ]

Answer -- they all dig a date with this delightful dish.

[ Ring ]

Announcer: From Hollywood,

the dating capital of the world, in color,

it's "the dating game."

It's your daddy.

You just hush a minute.

Hello?

Janice, it's daddy.

It's after 11:00. Harry hasn't shown up yet.

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine. We're all just fine.

Well, let me speak to Harry.

Is he there?

He's out, daddy.

He had to go out very early.

He didn't go to the lot.

You want to know why?

He had this station wagon prospect or something,

so Harry had to meet him

to show him some station wagon.

So, you see, Harry really loves his job, daddy.

All right, darling.

Don't worry about anything. Everything's fine.

Are the children there with you?

Janice?

I don't like you to cry, mommy.

Go lay down, Nelson, and take your nap.

Go ahead. Mommy has to clean up the house.

They'll kill me if they see you,

oh, smeared like this.

Tell you what.

Mommy fix Becky nice bath.

Make Becky all clean.

Good Becky.

And no crying, Becky.

No crying, Becky.

Mommy fix your bath.

To hell with the crayons, Becky.

Mommy clean you all up,

all sweet.

A nice new diaper.

All pretty for mom-mom and pop-pop.

Uh-oh.

Good thing I caught it, Becky.

Two minutes, and the tub runs all over,

all over the floor.

[ Becky crying ]

Okay, Becky.

Here we go, baby.

We're going to make you all clean.

Here we go, a nice bath.

Here we go.

Aah!

[ Sobbing ]

Pretty Becky!

Oh, thank god!

I can't do it, Becky.

Oh, thank god, Becky. Thank god.

Aah!

Hello, Jack? Harry angstrom.

Where are you, Harry?

You won't believe this.

I spent the night in an all-night movie.

Harry, please stop a minute.

Listen, I've been calling home,

and nobody answers.

Janice didn't do something stupid

like move back with her folks again, did she?

Harry...

A terrible thing has happened to US.

Kills his own baby.

He did not kill his baby.

It was an accident. He wasn't there.

Runs out again,

sends his moronic wife back to the bottle.

You set this up, Jack -- you.

Say it. I killed the baby then.

Oh, god,

a Christian martyr.

When do you give up on that son of a bitch?

Eccles forgives me, Janice.

We talked for about an hour.

That thing that I used to talk about,

well, he was right.

There's just no such thing.

There just isn't.

There isn't?

No. No, honey.

Good.

If this has been anybody's fault at all, it's mine.

Hassy!

Hassy! Hassy!

Oh, god, what have they done to you?

Oh, you poor dear.

Poor daughter. Oh, poor daughter.

Mom.

"Oh, god, whose most dear son

"did take little children into his arms and bless them,

"give US grace, we beseech thee,

"to entrust the soul of this child

"to thy never-failing care and love

"and bring US all to the heavenly kingdom

to the same thy son -- Jesus Christ, our lord."

Amen.

"'I am the resurrection and the life,' saith the lord.

"'Though he were dead, yet shall he live,

"'and whosoever liveth and believeth in me

shall never die.'"

Do graciously we pray thee with all those who mourn,

but casting every care on thee,

thy will be done.

Now in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost,

bless you and keep you now and forevermore. Amen.

Amen. Amen.

What are you looking at me for? Huh?

What's the matter with you people?

Hey!

Well, she did it.

Harry: Honey...

Oh, honey...

Look, you didn't mean it.

Hey, I love you.

Eccles: Harry!

Don't run!

[ Knocks on door ]

Leave me alone, rabbit.

Just leave me alone.

Come on, Ruth.

Hey, look, this time it's really bad.

Everything goes bad around you, rabbit.

Why?

What did I ever do to you that was bad?

Well, I'm here, right? I mean, I'm here now.

Well, it feels right.

I mean, it really does. It feels right.

Who cares what you feel?

You run here from your own baby's funeral.

Who told you that?

Your minister.

He called here for you.

You know the night before the accident,

I was here all night looking for you.

You didn't come home all night.

Just get out of here, rabbit.

Get far away from me. Go home to your wife.

I can't, not anymore. I mean, it's over.

Rabbit...

If you wanted to marry me,

I'd like that.

I really would.

If you could work it out,

if you could divorce the wife you already have

and find a good enough job that would take care

of everything that would be involved...

If we were married, it would be all right.

It would?

But that's it,

that's really it.

So if you feel like getting the hell out,

then you just get the hell out.

You're so good, Ruth. You really are.

Look, um,

what you said is fair.

I mean, uh, I'll work it out.

Somehow I'll do it.

Okay?

Look, um,

first thing I do is I go get US something to eat.

Remember, like the first time?

Franks and limas?

I'm really hungry.

Look, um,

first we'll eat, then we'll talk.

I'll be right back.

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, listen, man

* something's gotta happen

* it's been awful quiet

* in this neighborhood

* you really can't explain it, but you know *

* all the good things open up and grow *

* good feels good way down deep inside *

* there's nothin' that you feel you have to hide *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, listen, man

* when you get that feelin'

* things can't be bad if you're feelin' good *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, believe me, man

* when you get that feelin'

* things can't be bad if you're feelin' good *

* hey, man

* anything happenin'?

* say, man

* anything good?

* oh, listen, man

* when you get that feelin'