Original subtitles

Yeah, I don't like it.

You left the wrong key again.

I need the bin tomorrow.

Oh, and the driver's side window.

No, Steve's got it tomorrow, and you just have to shimmy the window.

How's Wednesday for you? I really need it tomorrow.

Fuck, I could hook you up with that Kira girl. The less Persian -looking version

of, oh, what's her face? She's got the brown hair. Kind of, kind of tucked,

like... No, can I talk like this? I got too much homework.

Fine, I'll get you a tutor.

Have you ever had sex?

Yeah. It's wonderful.

Yeah.

I got a little bit of a fright in Patty one night, but she was drunk.

I had a couple beers. I felt guilty of herself.

Plus, if my GPA drops below 4 .0, then Dean Theodore's going to take away my

scholarship. Glenn, I can't.

Who's got it tonight?

I will get back to you.

Don't tell me it's soup sandwich.

You said you hate Sunday. I said I hate school night.

God, you don't even listen to me. You can have Sunday. I want sun night. Don't

raise your voice at me.

Bucket, whatever, just get me sun night.

I will get back to you.

Oh.

We're surrounded by a bunch of bucket thespians.

Huh? Who's going to church Sunday? Uh, Sam Cullen.

Bring the slate to the Lord's fault.

When? Christmas Eve.

Let me get back to you.

If I bring the bin to the party tonight, Sal is going to give Steve his Sunday.

Now, could you do Thursday instead of tonight? Yes.

You should come to the party and you should bring your bin.

Brian, I'm concerned about you.

Hey, so I'm trying to move some stuff around so you get the bin tonight.

I want to open some fucking presents tonight.

Yeah. Santa Claus?

Once Easter and the Pilgrim on Thanksgiving.

Okay, okay, okay.

Keep me posted.

You should come.

Okay, so the Finn is going to be at the party tonight for Sal. Will you give

your Thursday to Glenn?

Is that so hard?

You're actually going to step foot in the party this time?

Let me get back to you.

Confirming Saturday and Thursday.

You're the best.

Steve, confirming Sunday, Monday, and Friday.

Merry Christmas.

One more tardy, and you get Rio.

Bedtime, something's wrong.

Money's gone, I'm on my own.

Can't say there's nothing here.

Been a hard, hard year.

When are you coming home?

Yeah. Thanks for the lunch money.

Are you okay?

Are you crying?

I know.

What? No, I don't need a babysitter.

He is?

Sure, what do you think?

I think it's unresourced.

Not

so.

She's out of here.

New salvaged driftwood horse.

Cops outside.

I don't think so.

Matter of time.

Goddamn animals inside.

Did you do that, girl?

Did I do what? Do I even give a shit?

Tell him.

Your head.

Looks like Frankenstein.

won't start just jiggle it i don't know what the fuck that means you

smell like booze there's no way you're driving because she licked me

So what happened with the deer?

It just ran out and into the middle of the road. Uh -huh.

Hey, Sal.

Thanks for ruining the party right when it was getting good.

All right, Jagoffs, knock it off.

Hell of a whiskey.

Brian, were you drinking?

No, I swear, Officer Tush. Count backwards from ten.

Nine, eight, seven. You missed ten. I'm going to administer a breathalyzer.

No, I swear I didn't drink anything.

Then where are your shoes?

Stop hyperventilating.

Brian, shut your mouth.

0 .0?

Fuck are you, a narc?

Hey, there.

Interesting night.

He had a domestic disturbance over by St. Juliana. Got out of control real

Your ma called me about helping fix the bathroom door this week.

Uh, it's okay. I'll fix it.

It ain't the end of the world if I fix the door, Brian.

Don't worry about it, but thanks.

Your brother home?

I don't think so.

Well, I'll tell you the same thing that I told that J .O. when he was your age.

If you start fucking around, I will knock your dick off.

You've had a rough couple of years.

I know you might not want to talk to a member of the Illinois law enforcement

community, but there's a first time for everything.

If you want, we'll go get a beef sandwich and do some problem solving.

Or if you want to talk to somebody else, there's Jesus and me over at Mary's.

See a bunch of kids get together, talk about what's making them feel bad.

And Jesus.

Maybe I'll check it out.

Thank you.

Talk about God and shit.

Good night.

And get some sleep, you little pimp.

Hey, bud.

Yeah, I can't be late to class, and you guys can't use the van anymore.

You know, I've been meaning to tell you about these mushrooms that keep growing

in the back of the carpet.

Wait, what'd you say?

I'm retiring this invite.

You're messing with me?

You're not messing with me. You know, I need to get out there.

So I go out with you guys, and I see a cute girl, and then I have to take a

sobriety test.

Which girl?

Doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

Susie Kosolansky.

Yeah, she doesn't matter. Why doesn't she matter?

Because she matters, and everybody knows it. And you don't matter, and everybody

knows that.

I'm still retiring the van.

You know, you're the only one of us who has a car, Brian.

I mean, I live with... My mom and my four sisters. How am I ever going to

a girl home?

Let me get back to you.

What's up?

What's this for?

How come you get to wear sneakers with a uniform?

Because.

Green Mill, north side.

What's it about?

You're going to see a man about a horse.

I'll pass, in case you get stopped.

I wrote it out for the dean's office.

All monitor will already think that you're in trouble.

Also, I was hoping that you could swing by my locker and drop my jacket off.

I'm sorry.

Looks like somebody hit the jackpot.

Brian Dines.

Diner.

Foodie, right?

Dean Theotard.

Oh, shit.

I'll come with.

I'm gonna get a cheese box from the cafeteria.

Sorry you're in trouble with the bean.

A misunderstanding, I think.

You had an older brother who went here, right?

Yeah, did you know that?

I've heard the legend.

He burned down the bleachers, didn't he?

Why?

I don't know.

He lost his scholarship, though. They kicked him out.

I'm a scholarship kid, too.

But I guess seniority doesn't matter.

Yeah, he was a sophomore.

Oh.

Your stop sorry I cleaned your clock totally my fault. I'm sorry

I

should help

Hi there.

I'm Tony Kato.

I know who you are.

Peanut butter pretzel?

Do you know what I do as student liaison?

Not really, no.

If you're new, I'll show you around. If you're being good, I'll point that out.

If not... Well... Like a narc?

No. I hate the word.

Glenn speaks loudly of you. Oh, you're a nice guy.

Why'd you tell the cops you were driving?

I was driving. Oh, I heard Thal was driving. I was heard he'd been drinking.

Who told you that?

Thal.

Shithouse. Yeah?

Heard about you smoking in the student bathroom. Clean it up. We on the same

train? Sure.

All right. You know, underage drinking can become a big problem, especially for

you guys in scholarship.

Gotta be careful.

Got it.

Um, it's actually Scheidt -Hoff.

Hoff.

It's German -Indian.

My dad's name. Oh, no, no, I don't care.

Yeah.

Okay.

Way to wash your hands, Tiny Tim. I have tons of it.

How does it work?

How does what work?

We remove the bin.

How much did Sal tell you? Look, I'm going to go on a limb and say that at

75 % of the senior class is sexually active. Do you agree?

I think that seems exceedingly high, don't you think? I think it seems

exceedingly loud, don't you think?

It's safe to say you're in the minority percentile, correct?

Hey, it's totally cool.

I'm not... judging you.

Two months ago, Steve and I were partners in an ancient civs project, and

to make a replicated -to -scale Trojan horse out of paper mache.

It was actually kind of awesome, except I had to do the entire thing myself.

And then Steve borrowed the van to move the model to his house, and then he had

sex in it.

In the Trojan horse?

No, in the van.

Right, you didn't scale.

And then Steve told Glenn and Sal.

Oh, what do we have here?

Heyo!

Hey, Kim, you got a pass?

My car hit a flat, Tony, I swear.

Yeah, I'm only kidding. You're so adorable.

I'm teasing you.

Hey, this is Brian.

He almost drove his van into a house this weekend. Do you believe it? Are you

serious? That's crazy.

That is crazy, right?

Yeah, the cops are going to throw him in the slammer as a wild man.

But, yeah, we just wanted to say hey, you know?

Cute shoes, though. Oh, thanks.

Nice to meet you, Brian.

Yeah, you too.

She has the nicest, softest rear end.

I'm gonna tongue -thug it.

How come you don't drive automatic?

Same reason I don't want to explore.

That's fantastic.

I can help you.

With what exactly?

I imagine you don't run into spatial challenges, privacy issues.

Teenagers are always looking for places to bring their boyfriends, girlfriends.

The thing that is unseasonably nippy this year, I'd say that list is pretty

short.

Between me, you, the hole in the wall, her father's dean of admissions at

Northwestern. But more than that, you know, she's a real sweetheart.

I'm spoken for.

But if I were you?

Ping, ping.

Eh.

I'd accept my help.

How's nine o 'clock?

Everwood condom.

It's got numbing detergent on it. It helps your stuff stay together longer.

Just put the right side on.

Where are you taking me?

Extracurricular activities day. We're going to work the room.

I'll do all the talking. Stay close. Try to look gentlemanly.

All right, I'm terrified, right? I'm pulled over on Sheridan, cop comes to

window, asks us, hey, you fellas been drinking?

Look, I've had a few beers tonight. I'm not gonna lie, not to get lit, you know?

Spring break's coming up. Fuck it, right?

Oh, I'll make you sorry.

Oh, you could just sit in the taxi.

This guy hates me. I don't know why.

You know, maybe it's because I'm a, you know, a young guy in a vintage Jag with

a Rosie the Riveter bumper sticker. I don't know.

Point is, I don't know what to say. I'm speechless.

Am I going to chop you up or anything?

Now I definitely don't want to get in.

Ryan leans in like he's going to run shit. You know, he knows he has to be

aggressive. Be, be aggressive, right?

You're not doing that right.

I'll notify you on my next robot.

Francis, why are you buying?

Cop leans in, he stares, and he won't take his eyes off him like a fucking

Just got home, and this might seem weird. I only ask this because my

pissing quarters.

Do you know what happened to my lunch money?

No.

Yes.

I took the cash and gave you some change from my vending machine.

From your... Of course.

You have a vending machine.

Is it in the house?

No, no.

It's in the break room of an appliance shop in Wisconsin.

Which is great because they volunteered to give us a discount on any electrical

needs we might have.

They have excellent televisions.

The host said you crashed the band.

You knock your dick off?

Yeah, of course.

So where have you been?

In the basement.

Now, for like two and a half years.

Around?

You've been working?

Yeah. I've been working, you know. I've worked.

Plus, the vending machine.

Have you talked to Lauren?

Did I make it weird?

Yeah.

I don't talk to her.

Have you seen my beanie?

Beanie? My beanie. The wool hat? The one with the shit on it?

No, I don't think so.

Well, is Alpha Brand the only cereal we have? Because I really, I hate Alpha

Brand. Well, whatever's in the cabinet.

Okay.

I'm looking into that.

Later.

For the handicapped bathroom.

If you need to take a minute. Thanks.

This is Freshman Phil. He just transferred from Mount Carmel.

Loving the bin, by the way. But there's a mushroom problem in the back. Terrible

gas mileage.

Oh, um...

Girl left her shoe in the bin.

I know it's a girl's.

Well, and you don't look like a sidekick.

That's very nice of you to say.

How do you leave one shoe?

Passion.

Tony Cato!

Let's touch some sky, my friend!

Yes! Hello,

Brian. How are you, my friend? Good. Would you like to touch some sky? Touch

some sky?

Let's go, Daddy -O. Touching the sky!

So, keeping the 4 .0 going this semester?

Absolutely, sir. That makes me feel good. You are cooking with high -octane

gasoline, my friend. And you got this guy looking out for you. You're set.

Have a nice day.

Have a nice day. Is that what you say? You make it a good day. It's up to you

what you do with today.

Today's a wonderful day to be alive.

Just checking you kids out, seeing what you're made of.

Good work today, gentlemen.

Mr. Philip Bustry!

Your hair looks... wrong.

Yeah, it's been bothering me all day. I look like a salamander. I thought you

were talking to Kim.

You used the story?

I did.

She's a whore, you know.

Smart whore, though. She's going to Yale.

How do you know that? I read her transcripts.

I know that she's a whore. Because everybody goes, oh, look at that whore,

Why are you going to tell me that? Now I'm going to feel bad for her.

Baby! Hey!

Baby!

Hey!

Okay, I made, like, these lactose -tolerant carrot cake cupcakes for you.

Oh, M. God, you're the best.

I am the fucking best.

I'll see you in the jackpot later, okay?

Okay.

I love...

Fucking shit out of you.

Fucking hate

carrot cake.

What?

Are you in this class now?

We're going on a field trip in a couple of days, the Chicago Botanical Garden.

I usually walk around and get high.

I'm rebellious.

Oh, fun.

Tony got me. I'm pretty cool, right?

Okay, yeah.

I'm going to chem lab, you?

Study.

I'm going to grab a pop.

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

Whoa, that girl's checking you out.

Wait, don't turn on too fast.

Okay, you're making her look.

That has never happened to me before.

Oh, yeah, right.

I see you talking to girls all the time.

And I have now heard, like, three cop stories involving you and Tony.

I'm actually kind of awesome outside school. I just have this plan that I act

kind of nerdy and awkward.

So then I can... Pounce like a sexual boomer. Exactly.

Pounce like a sexual boomer. Like a really nice rapist. Try to make things

comfortable.

I want to date with this guy that looks like you.

Well, he was like a well -muscled, combed -hair version of you -ish.

But he was in college, and he could do all these...

stupid trick driving things so when he comes to pick me up i'm standing outside

he drives past me he rolls his window down he doesn't have an automatic he

it down he sticks his finger out like this like one second then he just like

does this fucking crazy like spinny fist tail thing i think and just floors it

to the end of my block and just stopped directly in front of me like there was a

fucking mark there it was amazing and he was fucking serious

I like that he was like, you're really going to want to see it. Exactly. I

even.

Be careful with that horror camera. I've heard stories, like pissing stories.

She's going to yell.

I'm sorry, did you say pissing?

She's still checking you out. Here, I'll set a jealousy trap.

You have goosebumps, Bummer.

I'll see you on the trip.

Yeah, for sure.

Cool.

Don't rape anyone without me.

Oh.

Oh!

I want to be good at sex, so, you know, like, they have a nice time, too.

Who gives a noodle what she thinks?

How you fix for condoms?

Oh, yeah, I got the one you gave me. Yeah, get a new box, put one on, and

off.

Um, any particular reason?

Ever put one on before?

Like I haven't done?

Precisely.

Allow me.

What if I can't... I don't know what that

means.

Uh... Use your words.

Start the car?

Eat oysters.

You'll be able to hang towels on it.

Wet ones.

I'm going to the store. You need anything?

Yes.

But I don't know what.

I'm going to go, too.

No, no, I'll just get it for you.

But I don't know what I want.

Then I'll just go by myself.

You're acting weird.

I'm definitely coming.

Hey!

Be ginger with the door, son.

Oh, sorry.

Bitch!

The distributor coil wire is loose.

I can't start without it.

How do you know that?

Dad taught me.

What do you got this thing from Gunzo's?

It's a piece of shit.

Still is, but it's a charming one.

Why do you call it the Thin Bit? When you cheat in hockey, fuck up, whatever,

they put you in the Thin Bit.

Penalty box.

And Gunzo's used to use this thing that put broken shit in here and old

merchandise.

A lot of people fuck in this thing.

Lauren and I, we'd, uh, fool around back here during parties.

She'd drive when I was wasted.

She was great. She'd drive me and my buddies home. We'd be pissing and

and vomiting all over each other. Like, literally just puking all over each

other. That's enough.

Sorry. Forgot about your crippling fear of vomit.

What the fuck? I'm not gonna light it.

I had a blast in this thing.

You still have a blast?

Yeah.

Yeah, totally, man.

Me and these dudes, we were just up in Canada.

What were you doing in Canada?

Nothing.

But we got in this big bar fight.

One guy had a machete.

It's pretty funny.

Go ahead.

Started. If it turns, I'm still driving.

Hey, it started, Benny.

Exactly.

Benjamin. God, I don't... Where do we even... My

brother was just asking about you.

How is he?

He's little and weird.

And your mom?

She's gone for a bit.

I'm babysitting Brian.

I missed you.

So people that you miss, you don't call for six years?

I don't really talk to people anymore.

I haven't talked to that many people. I'm not really prepared for this.

I'm really sorry about your dad, but I kind of want to punch you in the face,

Benny.

Do it.

Oh, crap.

Still a pyro?

No.

Didn't I take you to the hospital?

Junior year?

Your junior year?

Eyebrows.

Yeah. Well, that's when people were shaving off large portions of their

eyebrows, so I just figured, why not do it? Because it's just dead weight.

Dead weight sticking to the top of my head, you know, it's like a... So you

just, you disappear and you don't tell anyone where you're going.

And you think you're so cool doing it. And then people start talking and they

think you're fucking around. But I, I choose to believe that you're doing

something amazing.

Maybe you're traveling and seeing the world or getting yourself straightened

out. But I did not think that I would bump into you in like, I don't know, a

happy food.

Happy food, yeah.

Did you miss me?

Sweet.

No organic.

No. This is my old friend, Gary.

Hi. Michael Bellman. Hi. Gary Flattered.

Hi. Last name is Flattered.

Yes.

Flattered to meet you, Gary.

Benny Dinah?

I'm Gary Flattered.

Got a problem here.

Just detained a perp on a subject 487B.

Shoplifting.

Okay, so why don't you go grab Benny, whatever, get him to... Perp's name is

Brian Dynas. He gave us a description.

There are only two gentlemen left in the store presently.

You fit the description.

You do not.

And what was the description?

Description was a red and black flannel jacket, an olive pajama shirt, and some

high pants.

Vinny Dynas.

Gary Flattered.

Gary. Ben.

That's him.

I want you to come with me into the back area where we load fights.

What's so embarrassing about condoms?

I've had a cashier look at me and be like, Nice.

You could have picked a better time to shop with. Lauren was there. No, she was

not.

And her boyfriend.

He was good looking.

Like... Like a villain. Like a lawyer. A lawyer?

You saying a bad thing?

Are you going to tell mom?

Fuck no.

That's the conversation I want to have? She just blamed me.

Thanks, man.

Guess what?

What?

Still fucking took it.

Oh!

Criminal!

You are not doing that right.

Here, do this.

What? I need the bin.

Emergency. Why didn't you just call me?

Oh, uh, because I didn't.

Hurry up, honey. I got a whoopee appointment.

Get the rod.

Jesus! What the... Oh, my God.

I've done some really weird shit.

So, if you want to talk about, you know... I'm fine.

Can you sign this?

What did I just sign and why?

Technically, you're my guardian.

And that's a permission slip for a field trip tomorrow.

How do you finger a girl?

I know you didn't ask me to, but I want to tell her about it.

Don't do that. You never let me do that.

No, not the hair thing. Well, don't do the hair thing, yes, but don't break up

with her for me.

If I didn't, it's that I want to.

Well.

I'll ask you something.

Go ahead.

Closer.

Okay.

Wow.

You don't like it?

No, I really like it. I just... Wow, I feel like I should talk differently or

something.

Thank you.

Do you miss being home?

Kids I went to high school with are married.

Now they have kids.

And dogs.

I got a weird thing with animals.

Bunch of friends of mine found this cat in an alley.

I dropped it off a roof just to see what would happen.

To see if it would land on its feet?

I knew it would die.

I just wanted to watch, you know.

It's the last moment on Earth.

Just kidding.

This is reassignment.

You are to quiet study.

You get a half period for lunch.

Here you go.

Son, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry. Sorry, I was tardy.

Tardy? How many times?

Ten times. Ten?

Jeez Louise.

You are walking a tightly roped high octane danger zone.

You know, when we gave you this scholarship, it was because of your

promise.

You don't want to screw this up.

You don't see Tony here, do you?

Okay. Never again.

Absolutely not, sir.

Good, good, good. All right. High octane.

Touch the sky.

Yes!

It's a great day to be alive, everybody.

Great day.

Sorry.

What the hell, Puma?

Sorry I got real.

You are a bad kid.

How are the botanical gardens?

Boring as fuck, but somehow really pretty and inspiring.

Puma?

Sorry, what?

Nothing about flowers.

I gotta go. Will I see you Monday, or are you gonna get busted for something

else?

We'll see.

Okay.

Later, Puma.

Hi.

Hey.

Um, so, I wanted...

to ask you something.

You have American Studies, right?

Yeah. I kind of need help with the review.

Do you think we could hang out next week and you could help me?

I'd love to.

Hi, Paladine.

Have you been in the bin with Susie? Where is this coming from, handsome?

I'm being serious, have you? Lower the big boy voice, please. You have a

girlfriend.

I'm not going to let that sully what I have with Susie.

I'm going to tell you this once, okay?

Erica's a very sharp girl. Very pretty, very sweet. She smells like fall.

November -ish. But she fucks like a blow -up doll.

I spent the day in Rio. Thanks for leaving the key. Sorry, buddy.

Okay. Especially about that whole field trip thing. I know you were looking

forward to it.

Everything.

Sit.

Don't let my infidelity fault our arrangement, okay?

Because if you told somebody, I'll get inside your mind and I'll fuck

my way out.

What are you doing?

Train fare.

My train.

If I take that money from you, then what we're doing feels pretty bad. We

haven't done anything.

Take it.

I'm going to spend it on something else, I know.

At least you'll hesitate.

I don't want to go home. I gotta go. It's her mother's birthday.

You can go.

I don't want to go home. I will sit right here.

It's not my van.

Whose van is it?

Friends.

Just put the key back. Why don't we use your car?

No, because my transmission's slow and...

A bunch of other silliness I can't afford right now, okay?

Then why are you giving me money? Stop.

Okay? Just put the key back.

I'll put the key back. I'll put the key back. I'll put the key back!

Sometimes I think about the folks back home

and 12 miles of roads

I used to roam.

Sometimes I think about my crazy Willie Jean.

Did you ever get as far?

I think you're gonna come to harm.

I'm gonna see you on that Nashville County farm.

Sometimes I think about that crazy witching.

Hey, Puma, don't you even think about pouncing, you fucking pussy.

What are you doing here?

It's mine tonight.

See? I wrote it down.

Someone's in there.

Is that Whore Kim?

Is she home?

Picture here.

No, it's not that Whore Kim.

Is a human actually in there?

Whoa! Shit!

That's not what you think. Oh, no. It's better.

I mean, you might actually matter now.

I mean, I'm definitely going to have to rearrange some stuff tonight.

God damn it, I'm proud of you.

It means the world to me, man.

Good luck with that.

Give me the keys. I need the van.

What? No, I can't.

Give me the keys. It's my car.

What? Your car. There's a girl in there.

Give me the fucking keys, Brian.

No.

Yes.

Digging him. You can't.

I'm reaching.

Give me.

What the fuck was that?

See, I wasn't lying.

Real life girl.

I need your help. I

gotta move her.

Not my problem.

I didn't give you a hard time when you moved away.

Or ask you for anything when Dad died. So help me move the drunk girl upstairs!

If you put it like that... I thought so.

Gotta lift her up.

I've never witnessed an actual

passing out before.

I doubt that.

Now... How do we do this?

Grab her by the ass. It's easier.

I'm not grabbing her ass while she's passed out.

I'm not going to do it like a pervert.

I'm saying do it like you're touching grandma.

That is awful.

She's heavier than shit. Shut up. You're going to give her a complex.

Complex? She's a drunk girl in a van.

What are you two J .O.'s doing?

Fuck, now look what you did.

Is she dead?

Yeah, officer.

You caught us. Yeah, you killed her.

That's why you grabbed her by the ass.

Okay.

Cracker. No.

That's a good JoJo.

She just drank too much. We're going to take her upstairs and she is not dead.

We got to come up with a strategy.

Come up with some kind of route here. We got it, man. Just go home.

I am not going to exchange ideas with you.

I have opted to expedite this situation. You're not the boss of us, man.

Get her midsection.

She's really a very nice girl.

What's her name?

Jane.

Jane. Do you have to flash the light in her face like that?

I do, actually.

Jane, do you know where you are?

The world.

You and your goddamn van.

This is your van?

All right.

One, two, three.

She is heavier than shit. That's what I said.

Okay. Yep, yep.

Why is the door locked?

Benny, why did you lock the door?

Really?

He was trying to steal them.

Which one is it? The triangular one.

They're all triangular, Brian.

The one that says schlange.

Yep, to the right.

Don't have to report it.

I'm a member.

of the Illinois law enforcement community, Benny.

I'm the law.

And I know he's shoplifted.

He's a good kid nervous about condoms. What do you know? You pop in every two

years. Don't bring that into this.

You put your mother through hell when you were his age and with everything

your dad.

You're keeping your house together. That kid is a bottle of Elmhurst.

I saved your ass a few times because I told him your dad was in the hospital.

He doesn't have that option.

But I also haven't been around enough to start telling him what to do.

You can't have someone go build a house and then walk up and say, great, now

just turn it to the left.

And I didn't the fuck ask you to move that door.

That's a nerd.

You will respect me and you will watch your fucking mouth.

He has no guidance. He is acting out and I do not want him to turn out like you.

around the family.

I get it.

But you do not get to ask me to be a better brother.

I am not asking you straighten up and fly right or I swear to God I

will knock your dick off.

Shit.

I left crackers tied to the bumper do you

think i'm pretty yes

my

head is on your penis

You just drank a little too much. I didn't want to take it out.

Well, then he's stupid.

Am I stupid?

I don't think you're stupid.

Because you want to fuck me.

What? What are you thinking? No, I don't... Are you saying that because I

wasn't... Where's your bathroom?

Across the hall.

I have to throw up.

Hey, Tony, it's Brian.

Can you call me back?

Tony. Hey, it's Brian.

Yeah, I realized that. I called you.

Right.

Are you playing an instrument?

Brian, how would I play a woodwind and talk to you at the same time?

Yeah, I guess that's impossible.

My neighbor's playing her oboe.

Learn to play that thing.

Sounds like a duck queefing.

Got your message.

Oh, yeah, never mind.

It's cool.

Good. I need the bin tonight.

Thanks, sweetie.

Welcome.

So... No, it's okay. Sorry.

I have a crazy headache.

We have medicine in there and, like, every brand of cereal, except banana

hearts.

I'm not really hungry, but thank you.

Why are you standing like that?

I woke up with a zit in my facial

region.

Let me see.

That's gross.

It's not gross.

Yeah, like, darn it.

That's gross.

Well, yeah, when you stand like an inch away from my face and point at it, yeah,

it's kind of gross.

Was there a cop and some other dude here last night?

Yeah. The other dude's my brother. He's gone for a bit while my mom's away.

He's really cool. Like, awesome.

He's figuring some stuff out, which he's totally going to figure out.

Totally.

Why were you in the bin by yourself?

I was with Tony, and then he had to go, and I guess I just wanted to spend some

time in the van. I don't know.

Huh.

Oh shit, I forgot my purse.

I'll be right back.

One sec.

You don't have to open the door again, but can you wait here for a second?

Yeah, no problem.

I need one thing, and baby, it's you.

I need a little lovin'. A little bit of lovin'. Baby, baby.

Hey,

it's me.

I just wanted to let you know that Erica and I woke up.

Everything's fine. I'm totally okay.

I figured it wasn't a problem leaving on your house line since...

Look, Charlie!

Look, I want to be with you.

No more hiding, no more fans, real boyfriend stuff.

This happened for you.

Because... Dad?

Because I love you.

This is Tony.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

That makes it weird.

Maybe we should eat.

I know a place.

I really, I didn't know he had a girlfriend at first.

And then he was going to break up with her and... I see her in the halls.

Wow.

I mean, you must really like him.

No.

He's just something to do, you know?

Not sexually at all, but, like, literally an activity.

It's easy, and nobody gets hurt, and I get to leave the house.

And, um... Do we have any more ketchup?

All out.

That is an interesting sweater.

Yeah?

This sweater pisses a lot of people off.

I made it.

Wait, did you, like, sew it? Yeah.

Is it a leopard?

No, it's a cheetah. Actually, fuck.

It might be a puma puma.

Is that the same thing? No, I don't think it is.

Can we pretend it is? Sure.

Wait, that totally looks like a puma. It really does. I'm going to see one when

I go to the Central Park Zoo.

I've never been to the zoo.

When are you going to New York?

Spring break.

I'm going to see my mom, and I applied to some fashion schools out there.

I actually might have to live with my mom, which will be very interesting.

Gotcha.

Oh, yeah. I was waiting for the appropriate time to ask you this, but

that there are shrooms going on your floor, right?

Yeah, they are not hallucinogenic.

Sally ate one once. She ate like a handful.

She just got really sick.

That's awful.

Yeah, for him.

We laughed.

I'm going to grab Benny some food.

Be right back.

Excuse me.

There's a girl in the van there. Could you please bring her more ketchup? And

could you ask her something for me?

Thank you.

Nice sweater.

Where'd you get it?

Baby.

Last night, you saw me throw up, and you saw everything inside of me,

and you were actually really sweet about it.

And I just know that if I held somebody's hair back while they barked,

probably think about it every single time I looked at them.

And I don't think you're doing that to me.

Are you?

I wasn't.

Until right now.

All right.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Salamander. Did you forget something?

Yeah.

Do I sound like a 12 -year -old mom?

Oh, Benny, listen.

What? I can't come back right now. I can't hear you. Stop sniffling.

Hey, Tony, it's me, Susie.

I'm really tired, and I feel like crap.

And thank you for your message.

They all kind of start to sound the same after a while.

But I'm going to take Charlie for a W -A -L -K, and I'm going to turn off my

phone and go to sleep early.

So I guess brain check, I guess.

Talk to you later.

Looks warm up there.

I will throw the fuck down. Relax, it's fine.

You know, I will never understand how you two are together.

She talks about you a lot.

That's your girl.

Benny.

How much are you going to fuck with me?

You're going to be out here all the time.

I know what you're doing.

You're gonna ask me all these questions so when I pick one to answer you're

gonna fuck or beat the fuck out of me sweetheart I'm not gonna attack you You

know I think about the fact that I have a knife on me literally and if you try

to attack me I may yield it You know I think about the fact that maybe

being with you made her who she is

Well look if you ever

get the sudden urge to see her

Talk you down from the ledge.

Teacher?

Guidance counselor.

Kind of weird.

Figured you were a lawyer.

Well, I do have a law degree.

Just like helping kids.

Yeah. Take care, Jerry.

All right, what you doing with your head?

Are you serious?

I've been working on it for, like, three days now.

Where's the bin?

Brian probably had it.

Bullshit. Nope.

Cosmo's in there. They're pretty jazzed. There's probably more of a pity

situation with himself. Well, it's not a pity situation at all. I mean, his

gut's the heart of the line.

Cod?

Someone else is using it?

Yeah, Brian and Cod. Oh!

Did you hear what the kid finally said at the big table? He sure did. Who?

Cosmo. Right.

Brian Dinah.

So who is Kaz?

Kaz. Who is she? Kaz. Oh, did you bring the pole? What pole? I

photographed Krista to show that's her breath.

How's the lighting?

Totally hot. Totally naked. Hey!

Who the fuck is Kaz?

Kaz Alansky.

Susie.

Oh,

my God, I'm so glad you're here. I really needed to talk to you.

Okay, um, first of all, I'm really sorry, like, I broke up with you and

I shouldn't have done that, okay?

To, like, I didn't want it to end like that.

So it's, like, really shitty now, you know? Like, like, if you could feel the

inside of my heart beating right now.

Why do you say that?

Okay. I love you.

Did you fuck her?

Oh, fuck!

She slept over because she was drunk!

If I see you talking to that girl, I'm gonna fuck you!

I want the van exclusively next week. Steve, Sal, and Glenn, don't use them. I

want my own key delivered here in an envelope tomorrow.

She's not even in town next week. Erica is?

Didn't you hear we're working things out?

What about Susie? I wouldn't worry about that. I'll sex with her when she gets

back. What I would worry about, Brian, is if the dean were to find out you were

loaning out your car for sexual activity during school hours. He may not see

that as scholarship behavior.

He threw... basketball at your face yeah he thought i had sex with his mistress

oh who's his mistress you know we're too young to even be saying mistress susie

oh weird well at least you had full sex no no i did i was so psyched for you man

i told everybody i really i'm i'm to blame it's all my fault i would have

you not to i know i mean i usually have a stronger gentleman code i let myself

down I mean, what's even more sad is that you got hit in the face with a

basketball for a sex crime you didn't even commit.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, it hurt like hell.

Sorry, you can't use the bin anymore.

It's no problem. Do you want to throw a basketball in my face?

I'll let you.

Oh, God. Thanks.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What happened?

Oh, fuck.

What happened? Are you okay? Fuck, man. Do I need to go take you to the nurse?

No, I'm fine.

What happened? I punched him.

Why?

If you threaten my masculinity, then I feel terrible. I must go.

Yep.

Are you okay?

Yeah, it's a lot worse than it looked.

I'm so sorry.

Do you still want to hang tonight?

Yeah, you know, I got lots more comp stories.

What the hell happened to your face, Puma?

Sorry, I can't talk right now.

Okay, you fucking weirdo.

So, I'll see you at eight?

Yeah.

You jerking off in here?

I heard squishing.

No.

It's like a department store. I have a date.

Ma's gone for your spring break.

Is everything okay?

Everything's cool.

I'm not going to be here, though.

So I'm going to talk to Tosh, and you're going to stay with him. I don't want to

stay at Tosh's, okay? That was one of those, like, baseball cards.

It's just for a while.

So when do you leave?

Tomorrow.

You know when I'm going to see you again?

Part of me thinks it's cool that you got into all this trouble because I want

those stories.

You know, I don't have any of my own stories.

I have bummer stories, Benny.

I can't say, oh, my dad got killed by cancer and that destroyed my mom.

So I tell your stories.

Like the trees at Mary's feet. Bushes.

Bushes.

Whatever I heard that from some other kid in my homeroom not even from you and

he told it like it was a legend Everybody tells me not to

be like you But my life sucks I Don't need a babysitter

One older brother

I'm sorry.

I blew it again.

Thanks for going to dinner.

You called me ten times.

Why aren't we in the van?

You said you wanted to date.

But, uh... Brian's using the van tonight.

Brian, he's like...

What do you think of that?

Oh, it seems nice enough, right?

Just gotta... I just gotta turn it on mine.

That doesn't seem like him.

Well, I think he's hanging out with that chippy.

What do you think he's friends with you? Look, this is what perverts do, Susie,

okay? But don't worry, he won't bother you anymore.

What does that mean?

I told him to stop hanging around you because he has ulterior motives.

So what are we, like, hand holders now?

What?

Well, I heard you ended things with Erica.

Um, it's not so cut and dry. Her parents are, like, getting divorced, and she's

being a real baby about it, so I just... I don't want to let... Hurt anybody's

feelings. Exactly.

But look, when you get back from New York, it's going to be a totally

story, I promise.

What time do you leave?

My train's at 11 .15. I leave school before third period.

You don't want me to go with?

Do you want to go with?

The guys at the auto shop are fixing my car up.

Forget it.

I'm serious.

I know you're serious.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

You in trouble?

No.

I was pretty harsh on you the other night.

It's fine.

Nah, I was out of line.

I shouldn't have slapped you the way I did.

But I got pumped real fast, and you were speaking to me in a manner where I felt

I had to defend myself.

Listen, Bob's gone for an extra week.

I need you to take him. Why can't you watch him?

Got a job.

Doing what?

It doesn't matter.

No good for him anyway.

And I hate to ask you for another favor, and I don't want you looking after us

anymore. It's like a weird loan that keeps getting more expensive.

Is that chocolate pudding?

You want some?

No.

Makes me uncomfortable.

You know, your dad was good to me when I started.

You know, we patrolled together.

Every day at 6 o 'clock, we'd drive down that street and stop in front of your

house. He'd run out.

Go in, kiss your ma, say hi to you two guys. I'd wait in the car.

He'd get back in and talk about the three of you.

What your ma was doing, what she was making for dinner, how you were doing in

school.

I got to know the three of you on those rides.

Pretty soon it got to be like it was me driving by my house, stopping to talk

to my... Just for a week.

I'm trying to... I don't know why, but I'm just... I'm trying.

Can you please just take them? I can and I will.

But you listen to me, Ben.

The farther away you go, the longer it's going to take to come back.

You understand?

Yeah, I understand.

You smell really good.

Oh.

Yeah, thanks.

Should I get a condom?

Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Okay. Take a second. There's a magazine there.

It

won't...

I could... I should blow you first.

Wow. Um...

Okay, cool.

Yeah.

Can we turn the light out? Oh, yeah.

Do I leave this on?

Yeah. Stay with Zach. For sure.

I'm sorry. I don't...

Everything okay?

My mouth is numb.

Pardon? My mouth is numb.

Can we take a picture?

Why? So people believe I actually have a brother.

It's kind of fucked up you have a camera in there.

I suppose it is.

How was the date?

I put an Everwood condom on backwards.

Wait a second. You had sex last night?

No.

You're better off.

Yeah. Being a man can wait.

I broke up with Lauren because she wouldn't have sex with me. Really?

She wouldn't.

It scared me. I loved that girl.

A week later, I fucked Tara Shatino.

Who's Tara Shatino?

Exactly.

What would you do differently?

Everything? Here's your beanie.

Fuck yeah!

Where'd you find this?

I just had it.

You know, I wear it sometimes.

Hang on to it for a bit.

Thanks.

I'll get up here.

Take care of the bin I will

Hey

I don't think you're a fuck -up.

I wanted an older brother too.

I heard a rumor that your mom makes your clothes.

That's cool.

Hey,

Steve. Do you know where Sue is?

Metaphysically? No, like in the building.

Ask Sal.

But I like that. Stop.

Let's feed the pilgrim with popcorn.

Union Station.

How do you get to Union Station?

I'm not sure, man.

Damn it. Had I known it was going to be brought up again, I would have found

out. I blew it.

Again.

Ryan, can we just do this son of a fucking shit?

Fuck, it is so easy. Take the goddamn Kennedy, get off at, like, go for a

Jesus. Really? It was that hard?

Brian, what the hell are you doing?

This is ridiculous.

I'm eventually going to catch you, all right?

Good work.

I'm winded, okay?

It's hot in here.

Right?

So, what were you going to do if you caught me?

I don't know.

You just started running, so I ran after you.

It's kind of funny that this is my car.

That's, like, ridiculous.

Because, like, I was chasing you, and you were the... You were choosing the

direction, but you still led me right to my car.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

I'm gonna get to her first.

And then I'm gonna fuck her.

That's enough.

That is enough.

That is not student liaison language.

And I told both of you to stop.

He was gonna beat me up, Dean. No, I was terrified. I mean, really?

Okay, you two are running through the hallways like madmen, like madmen. I

the F word. Come out of your mouth, Tony! The F word!

I'm gonna have a heart attack running all over this place. I'm gonna have a

heart attack, but only after I discipline you. You know what? Fuck

Fuck this?

What the fuck?

I forgot what this is called, but you kinda needed to start the car.

Okay, great. Your secret plan worked. Now go back to class, Brian.

Can't stop, Officer Toast. Get in this car.

No, I must run.

Brian, get in the car.

No. Brian, Matthew Dynas, you get in this damn car.

You going to get drunk? High?

Grab ass?

No, sir.

Shoot me straight. You burn something down? Is that what happened? Where are

going? Going to see a girl.

You want to get kicked out of school?

No, sir.

Start talking.

She's at Union Station.

Van broke down. None of this even matters.

Why? Why's that?

Things are just gonna get shitty. And then they're gonna get shittier.

I can fix most things on my own.

I don't ask for help because people leave and vans break down and girls get

away. You are adorable.

Don't speak to me like I'm 12.

I will start speaking to you man to man when you stop talking nonsense.

Those people that leave need some place to come back to.

And the busted engines get repaired, and the girls that get away, you don't let

them. If none of that shit mattered, then why cut class?

Because I love her.

How do you know that?

I saw a vomit.

What time's your train leave?

Probably... Well, buckle up, Jagoff.

that you love me.

I see I was wrong.

Cause you've broken my heart now.

Didn't take you too long.

Our love's on the top side.

Now I know you lied.

Give you all my sweet love.

You break your heart?

She made a train.

Look at this jag off.

What are you doing here?

Locked out.

No, I mean, what are you doing here?

I'm being an older brother.

Why aren't you at school?

I left early to see the drunk girl before she left town.

How'd that go?

Didn't make it in time.

Where's she going?

New York.

I'll drive you.

What?

Let's go to New York.

The sim bin broke down. It would never make it.

Brian, we'll fix the van.

Now this girl you all know She leaves and you grow old

It looks all right with me.

She just sent me to a T.

She loves to dance all night.

Way up until midnight.

When the stars are shining bright.

She dances with delight.

One time.

When she comes walking by, it catches everybody's eye.

But if you try to take her home,

she just say, leave me alone.

Once again now.

When she comes walking by, can't just everybody die.

But if you try to take her home,

she'll just say, leave me alone.

We're staying here.