Original subtitles

Once upon a time, In a town not far from yours

There lived a real fast guy.

His life was fast. His friends were fast.

Even his food was fast.

But he was still not satisfied.

He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else

A beautiful girl.

Trouble was, she was in the arms of another man. "(SHOCK TREATMENT)"

Whoops!

Good luck honey.

What are we gonna do Janet?

It's alright Brad, everything's gonna be alright.

You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces

And tolerance for the ethnic races, in Denton.

You'll find a rambling rose, And a picket fence.

Tenderness, and innocence, In Denton

You'll find conference rooms And a children's playground.

Denton is a real okay town.

Civic pride and civic duty. And Denton girls are... full of beauty.

You may call us the goodie goodie two shoes

Were here to cheer you with the good news

That D - E - N - T - O - N gets T - E - N

That's ten out of ten!

If you're looking for a life of leisure

Your gonna get a whole lot to please ya

Again and again

And again and again

And again!

Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension

You're where the heart is you're okay!

Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention

You're the home of youth.

You're America's truth.

You're Denton Denton USA!

This is the Mecca of America

The Bethlehem of the west

This is the birthplace of the virtuous.

The home of happiness

Leisure wise, we're sure you will adapt.

Enjoy your stay.

Have a happy holiday.

And we'll all put Denton Denton on the map.

Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension

You're where the heart is you're okay!

Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention

You're the home of youth.

You're America's truth.

You're Denton Denton USA!

Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension

You're where the heart is you're okay!

Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention

You're the acceptable face,

Of the human race.

You're Denton Denton USA!

Well how about that? Wasn't that terrific?

And now for, well certainly my favorite part of the show

and I sincerely hope yours at home

our regular in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright

Denton's leading social scientist. Judge Wright?

Did you enjoy our anthem?

In a way.

I detect a note of reticence.

Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel

this emotive form of presentation is overly manipulative.

Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly.

There are monetary inducements

Hi Brad. Hi Janet.

Extortion. - Come for the Marriage Maze?

Seduction.

I'm exhausted working on the documentary for Farley's new show.

Blackmail.

Farley Flavors, our new sponsor. Whew!

Prejudice.

I tell you Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come to a successful man in this town.

and lies.

Thank you Judge Oliver Wright.

And now for a commercial break.

Okay kids, lets hear the five F's for today.

F for. . .

Farley!

F for. . .

Flavors!

F for. . .

Fabulous!

F for. . .

Fast!

And F for. . .

Food!

First and foremost, Farley Flavor's fabulous fast foods feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.

Stand by for Marriage Maze. Strike Denton Dossier.

Thank you so much Judge Wright for another wonderful interview.

Judge Wright, oh come on Betty.

First name terms surely huh?

Oh Oliver, you're so tolerant.

Time for a coffee break before you rush off?

mmm, I'd love to, that is, if you don't mind being seen with an older man.

Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I separated, maturity is something I look for in a man.

Hi Honey. Hi Betty.

Hello Neely.

You keep up that high standard of interview and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary.

You're so probing!

A free thinker?

Everything's free there.

Hi Betty? The usual?

Plus one.

Here we go. Hi Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?

Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah! This could be a major step forward for him.

Yeah, a leap in the dark.

I better go check on the Bert, otherwise.

Right.

Good luck.

And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage

is that gorgeous gourmet, tossing the uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host Bert Schniks!

Three seconds.

Hoopla Denton!

Hoopla Bert!

Thank you. Welcome. Thank you.

Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow nights great new show "The Faith Factory Show."

And as a matter of fact we have in the studio audience tonight the host and his lovely co-host.

Give a big hand please to Ralph Hapshadt and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

Hey Ralph! Ho Brad!

Lets get a camera in there for heavens sake.

Over the moon about that commercial Macy.

Thanks Bert.

And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night Ralph?

Ah, you bet Bert.

Good! I'm gonna be there. Ain't we all viewers?

Macy Struthers with my husband.

God I must have been blind.

Still, the weaker the man the dumber the blonde.

Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience?

What an ideal couple they are.

You know more than anyone else in Denton they represent the old values.

Ike would've been proud of them.

And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of their marriage

and cooked their goose, step this way please.

You!

That's us Brad!

Come on. What's cooking up there.

Come on down you guys. Lets feel you.

I'm not going Janet.

We've got to. Everyone is watching.

Face the cameras. Face the cameras.

Now, introduce yourselves.

I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad.

Hey Brad, we've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we Janet?

Haven't we Janet?

Uh, uh yes, uh he needs help.

Help? Lets face it Janet, Brads an emotional cripple!

I know, I know, its jus-

It looks like rest home for this stupid old marriage hey?

Tell me Janet, you watch Dentonvale?

Uh, yes I've caught it once or twice.

That's right, DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those perennial favorites Nation and Cosmo McKinley

neuro-specialist par excellence.

I recommend, if you pardon my French Janet, that you send Brad to them for treatment.

Oh, uh, well uh I know he's a little boring but uh neuro specialists?

That sounds a little drastic.

Aaah there's no use pussy footing around Janet. We have to cut quick and deep!

McKinley. McKinley.

Bert brought them over from Europe.

They had a very popular series together. Its still rerun in a lot of countries.

You must have seen them in Dentonvale.

No, I never watch that.

I'm afraid there's only one solution, isn't there folks?

One, two, three!

Dentonvale!

Hoopla! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.

Great Bert.

Congratulations. I think you've made a wise decision.

But... but I -

Janet, I'm... I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going? You'll ruin the show.

Bert's made all the arrangements.

But I don't need treatment.

But you do need glasses hey stupid?

Doesn't he customers?

I am sick of being humiliated by you.

Bert's right, you're going.

It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today. Here's some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze.

Dear blender,

(You won't blend into the background with this in your home)

Oh won't you help a first offender.

Oh, toaster.

(Pop up in the popularity ratings)

Don't you put the burn on me.

(Look at this!)

Refrigerator, why are we always sooner or later.

Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

(Living on the knife edge)

Dear knife drawer

(Stay sharp with this keen knife enhancer)

Now won't you help me to face life more

Oh, trashcan

(You can't can what the trashcan can)

Don't you put the dirt on me.

Oh percolator, why are we always sooner or later.

(No toil no trouble)

Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

Everything used to be okay,

But I've been had.

And Brad, I'm glad to say, is on his way.

(Try a prize computer wise)

Micro digital awaker, why are we always sooner or later

Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

Shower curtain

(Wash those blues away)

Oh won't you help me to be certain.

Oh toothpaste,

(Arm yourself with - teeth)

Don't you put the squeeze on me.

Depilitator, why are we always sooner or later

Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

And now its back to Marriage Maze.

And for those of you who are Dentonvale watchers here's our surprise guest. Yes. And here's Bert!

Hey folks, its Ricky from the rest home! - Hey Bert!

- Hey Ricky! - I've come for Mr. Majors.

Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair.

Nothing uh serious I hope.

Oh no no, just a routine checkup.

Just a routine checkup hey viewers?

Tell me spectator, why are we always sooner or later,

Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

Ha Ha Ha! Well, Bert's done it again, another rocky marriage is headed for intensive care.

The subject is committed.

As are we all.

Dentonvale, The Arrival.

Introducing Brad and Janet Majors.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you.

I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley. And this is my sister and colleague Dr. Nation McKinley.

We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

Well yes, we hav -

Now, now, now listen ther- there's nothing really wrong with me.

Janet and I haven't been getting along too well lately and I had a little - little trouble

Oh Brad!

Oooh! Does he do this often?

No, he's never done this before.

Good. then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.

If anyone can help Brad we can.

Well he does need help.

Ah, Nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.

Oh that was real short notice, because the other monkeys -

Attend to Mr. Majors.

Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with Mrs. Majors.

A contract to be signed.

Could I do that later please?

Of course you can Mrs. Majors.

Ouch! Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have any living relatives, any blood relatives?

No he doesn't. Can I take care of this later?

Of course.

Why did you tell me not to sign now?

Well, that way you get the first day free.

Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family connection in the thirty second quiz.

As Janet's parents this should be really easy.

About Brad's family?

Your last clue is . . . Mental Instability. You have thirty seconds.

Mental instability?

He was adopted you know.

Oh yeah. I had forgotten.

Well I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married.

I said to Janet "What do we know about his parents?"

Which leads us to . . .

This afternoons surprise prize Bert which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series "Happy Homes" with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.

Infantile regression?

You got it!

I got it! I got it!

She got it! She got it!

Oh, I got it!

Hey Bert, how about that, she got it!

Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.

She got it. She got it! They won! Infantile regression.

Our specialty

Your specialty!

I can't wait to begin on him. Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.

I must confess. The decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.

No, of course. Theres Janet. But If she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the contract?

No, it wasn't Janet exactly. It was, in fact, your new sponsor.

Sponsor?

Dentonvale has been sold.

Sold?

Dear old Bert settled everything.

Yah! You endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research.

He! How dare this person take advantage of my weakness.

I don't think he intends to go that far.

If only you knew how to win some prizes

If only you knew how to play

If you could sleep nights

And stop your crying

Then you might find out I still love you in my own way.

If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you

It was almost like leading you on.

But there's more to it all

Then just wringing your heart out over something

That keeps on going wrong.

So don't tell me you love me

How am I supposed to know what that means?

No don't sell emotion

You cant find devotion

If you're falling apart at the seams

I hope that you smile

When you reach your conclusion.

I hope that you'll know just what to say.

But if it should mean that the party is over

You should know that I still love you

You should know that I still love you

In my own way. In my own way.

In my own way. In my own way.

Oh my poor baby.

Oh mom, its Brad. . .

I know, I know baby. He's gonna get all the help he needs.

But in the mean time, look, for you.

They call it a new look in an old favorite. I copied it from the window on the world show.

The Far East meets The Midwest.

Mom its -

Its just what the doctor ordered. I know. Come on in. My Favorite shows just started.

What show?

Dentonvale.

Love Starts in the home and where better to find this than in today's happy homes. With guest star Janet Majors.

So if you're sick and tired of having the goodness boiled away out of your coffee replace that old perk of yours with a coffee maker

prestigious distinction and be the envy of all with a coffee maker that says it all.

Oh, thanks.

When that man of yours comes in from the big outdoors with a burning thirst that only Lake Michigan can satisfy,

make sure that there's a cold can of Troutmeister light in the icebox.

He'll thank you for it. And he'll thank Troutmeister.

Oh for crying out loud Emily leave her alone. She's not a kid. (I want you to)

Well I wanted to see her in it.

Its really very nice.

The material is imported (imported) - Taiwanese (Taiwanese).

Damn it Emily, she's not interested (not interested).

What are you trying to do Harry, start an argument? (exactly) Don't you want your daughter to look pretty? (does he)

Who's she got to look pretty for?

She's got a husband.

She's got a weirdo!

I've never been able to afford the time to have a nervous breakdown. (That leaves so little time for a complete breakdown)

Oh, poor Brad. [yes, poor] Thank God he was born an orphan.

(ha ha ha) It would have killed his parents. (Thank goodness)

And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like that Slibstrini boy.

What are you talking about. Danny Slibstrini is a chip off the old block.

Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week and Hank says that Danny's moves to New York to better himself.

He moved alright. [good move, yes that's right]

And they found him at the back of Wilson's bakery, naked, with fifteen other men. (there were others involved)

Mexicans.

[Don't get tense] (I'm not getting tense) I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.

We return to Dentonvale after this important message.

You shouldn't have said that.

But why?

Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

YEAH!!!

A man should call the toss

Wear the pants, And be the boss!

A man should be the drake

For his own damn sake.

And men should be the misters

And the masters of their sisters

A man should be the reason

For a heart to break.

So, be moral

Don't quarrel

Fair and square is best

Let me alert you

That virtue

Won't hurt you

or desert you

If you wear hair on your chest

So always remember to follow the rules.

Box clever

Jock's never

Hock another jock's tools!

A man should wax a car

And fix a fuse

And tend a bar.

A man should like his brow

To be wet with sweat.

And should know the right occasions

To indulge in tax evasions

A man should know the settings

That his spark plugs get.

Faggots are maggots!

Thank god I'm a man.

What a meal! Scrumptious mine leibeling. I insist on the recipe.

Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed. secrets.

With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.

Farley is already a TV winner as we shall see

Dentonvale will run forever now that his interests has embraced . . . mental hygiene.

Our field.

You know I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.

Conspiracy?

That sounds a little far fetched

Oh I don't know.

Remember Lieutenant Orpheous? He disappeared into that underworld series and never came back.

Sounds like my husband. he never came back either.

Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.

Ah yes, Farley flavors.

You know I find it remarkable that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire nations indigestion.

Who do you think gave you the next episode?

So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory Show.

We're the experts. Who trusts eh eh experts?

Why Janet?

Everyone loves the girl next door. Particularly Farley.

So it seems.

Come in.

Oh hi. - Hi. - Hi.

Oh, I just came to give you this Betty. - Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi. - Hi. - Hi. - Hi.

Oh we'd better get going. Tomorrow's the big one and uh Farley expects.

Oh, you bet. - I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.

Bye. - Bye - Bye - Bye

Oh Ralph.

Yes?

Shove it! - Oh you shove it too Betty!

Alimony is just another word for rape.

Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is. . .

Closed.

Dentonvale, special guest star: Janet Majors.

I've come to see Brad.

That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby.

Its you we're concerned about Janet.

Yes Janet. How are you? Are you happy?

Well I'm happy.

There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that they're happy

But they only think that they're happy.

Oh that doesn't make any sense.

This might, Janet.

And a big Denton welcome to my new delegation. This is Farley and I'm here with the score.

We're gonna package and sell some mental health for the nation. With my dream of the girl next door.

Oh why aren't they doing

Tomorrow's new dance steps

The way they used to yesterday?

And who draws a perfect circle anymore?

And if your waiting for greatness

To shake hands with you

You'd better daydream your life away

I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.

Your not just looking at a fast food king

Just another well known face

Your not looking at the king of anything

I'm gonna shoot for the moon

I'm gonna play high noon

I'm gonna take on the entire human race.

You're not looking at a king

You're looking at an ace!

I've got the sight

And I've seen the light

And I'm gonna see the coming day

When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me.

I'm gonna take my time

And rock some rhyme

Oh its gonna take you're breath away

You'll be the front page rage of the age just wait and see.

Your not just looking at a fast food king

Just another well known face

Your not looking at the king of anything

We're gonna shoot for the moon

We're gonna play high noon

We're gonna take on the entire human race

You're not looking at a king

Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace!

You're looking at an ace!

You're looking at a goddamn ace! - You're looking at an ace!

You're looking at an ace! - You're looking at an ace!

You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace!

I just love home movies. Don't you?

Times tight Janet

Do it right Janet

Until tomorrow night - Janet?

Well, Farley Flavors is - fairly flattering. But, I wanna see Brad.

But the question is Janet does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly he hates you.

What do you mean?

Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you Janet.

Towards me?

Its classical. Almost a textbook case.

Oh no!

That's an extremely negative response.

Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad.

Is it because I'm becoming too popular?

On the contrary Janet. He wants to see your ratings soar!

He needs a woman of exceptional desirability.

So you see Janet, you can help us to help him.

Maybe I can.

Standby for Faith Factory rehearsal.

I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.

We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.

Now Betty don't over react.

Over react? You're the one with theories about conspiracies. Oliver?

Yes Betty?

Are you spoken for this evening?

Alright you guys. An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning Denton.

By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory Show we will have all earned our beauty sleep.

Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?

Home? - Home.

This is the nerve center of operations Janet. You must stay here tonight.

That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush.

And you can peep in on Brad in the morning.

Morning?

Are all the beds made up?

Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all th-

Then lock up for the night. - Okay!

Clever of you to find this spot Betty

It pays to know your way around Oliver.

I thought the Home Of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.

A stately pleasure home indeed.

Oh! I adore Coleridge Taylor! As a matter of fact

It is an ancient mariner,

And he stoppeth one of three

By thy long grey beard

And glittering eye

Now wherefore stopp'st, thou me?

I feel the heat from your skin

And the stubble on your chin

You're no good.

You're no good.

You've got dirt on your hands

And everybody understands, You're no good.

You're no good.

Oh what a joke What a joke

You feel like choking

You play for broke, You play for broke

He'll leave you smoking

Oh, romance is not a children's game.

But you keep going back.

Its driving you insane.

Drift into The Treacle deep

Slip into its silent depths Let's go to sleep

With your every thane akimbo Float into the sandman's limbo.

Night night. Night night.

Its time for bye bye.

Its been a great day, thanks a heap.

Now its time for every one to go to sleep.

Night night

Its time for bye bye.

Its been a great day, thanks a heap.

Now its time for every one to go to sleep.

He went like one

That hath been stunned

And is of sense forlorn.

A sadder and a wiser man

He rose the morrow morn.

Does this bird belong to you?

Janet?

Are you decent, Janet?

Hoopla Bert! Nice to see you up an about. Macs waiting in the wardrobe Janet.

Care to join me in a non sex act?

Good morning.

I wanna see Brad.

Look at yourself. You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked.

Oh if only Brad could have found it within himself to say those things to me.

He will. But its up to you to reawaken his feelings.

Farley's given you that chance. You can use the breakfast show to knock Denton dead.

Do you really think so?

Everybody needs you.

Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say?

What'll I wear?

Ever since I was a little boy

Dressing up has always been my greatest joy

But when its time to be discreet

There's one thing you just can't beat

And that's a strapless backless classical little black dress.

Well first you go rip rip rip,

Then you go snip snip snip

Then you whip in a zip zip zip

And split it up to the hip hip hip

And as you strip strip strip

You shiver, quiver for that soft caress

As you slip slip slip

Into that little black dress. - Ah, hoopla.

Ever since I was the eina kliena heiren

It was the cordon bleu

For which I am most caring

And the one taste treat so sweet

That really can't be beat

Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar, that little black mess.

Hey! Voila!

Well first you go rip rip rip

Then you go snip snip snip

Then you whip in a zip zip zip

Split it up to the hip hip hip

Then as you strip strip strip

You quiver, shiver for that soft caress

As you slip slip slip

Into that little black dress.

That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful

Little black dress

Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful

Little black dress

Good morning Denton. Rise and shine.

She'll be here any second now so lets give her a great big hand. COme on.

Oh Janet I can't tell you how excited I am. For you.

We've got the band and dancers and dry ice standing by.

Betty Hapshadt is indisposed so Macy'll have to do the introductions.

Oh I don't need introductions.

The fabulous. The golden. The very wonderful.

I knew it!

Janet Janet Janet Janet!

There's just the two of me

Alone at last together

We've got the luck so far

We are my lucky star

Deep in the heart of me

I love every part of me

All I can see in me

Is the danger and ecstasy

One thing there couldn't be

Is any more me in me

This is the me of me

Me me me!

Me me

Me me me

Me me me

I am my destiny.

Je croirai toujours en moi.

I'd never lie to me.

I'd be willing to die for moi.

I'll pray every day to me.

And here's what I'd says to me

This is the me of me

Me me me!

Me me

Me me me

Me me me

Me me me

Ohh me me

Me me me

Ohhhh me me

Look at me Moi Moi

And, you can see and hear Janet tonight on Faith Factory, brought to you by Farley Flavors.

Out of self came selflessness. - You revealed yourself, the real you, the secret you.

And you liked what you saw didn't you Janet. - Well I ...

How's Brad?

Oh well if he caught my act he'll be looking good!

It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another spoonful. Check ya later Betty. Gotta freshen up.

Gee, how 'bout that. Janet was a knockout!

Thank you.

Yeah, she was terrific. Sexeeeey! - What!

At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know. Hey how's Brad?

He's fine.

Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.

Yeah, he sure is. No sugar. Thanks Kirk.

Well I'll sugar his daughter's.

Coffee Kirk, I'm dying for it.

R.I.P. Betty. Your off the air.

What's happening here?

Janet's on the breakfast show. Brad's committed to a nowhere series and we've been...

Written out?

Dentonvale.

The Mission of Mercy.

Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors.

Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy!

Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Janet! Where's that lovely dress I made you?

Oh well Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.

You're practically naked!

Well I can't wear anything under it Daddy. It would spoil the line.

[Spoil the line?! - - -]

My God Janet. How can you say such things.

Look at Brad. Look what they've done to him.

Aah! Janet's parents?

Are you the doctor? - Yes.

There's gonna have to be an investigation.

There are regulations against this sort of thing.

Its for his own good. - Hoopla Janet!

Bert! Sweetheart! Oh its fabulous to see you!

What's going on here?

yes, of course.

I adore that color.

The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

We only want what's best for him. As parents you must understand.

No. No I don't. Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.

There are drugs to keep him quiet.

We used them, all of them.

And none of them worked? - No.

Then double the strength. - We did.

We know our job.

We also know how you feel. We're not strangers to confusion.

We're not confused.

Well I am goddamn it. You trust Brad with this crowd pleaser?

I'm not a locum with motives to suture myself

I've been a cynic for too many years

Playing doctor and nurse

It can't be good for your health

I've seen clinics, with those gimmicks

In Tangiers.

But if you open your heart to a smooth operator

He'll take you for all that you've got

He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later

It'll shake ya the way he takes off

Like a shot.

You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.

You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

For a vista that'll mystify ya!

You're blinded by romance you're blinded by science.

You're condition is critically grave.

But don't expect mercy from such and alliance.

Suspicion of traditions so new wave.

You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.

You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

For a vista that'll certify ya! fy ya, fy ya!

You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.

You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment

So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

For a vista that'll certify ya! fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!

Look at that! Bert Schniks dancing!

Bert can see!

Macabre isn't it. The blind leading the blind.

Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.

Thank you.

We're all really excited about tonight.

Oh! Do I get one of those?

Uh, yes. Yes of course you do, of course.

Hi kids, Hi. Oh really?

Macy, why don't you take Janet and help her freshen up before the rehearsal?

Sure. - Aw No...

Ralph, you promised me an introduction.

Later Francine.

Frankie!

Bert, could you spare a moment?

Of course.

We want Janet, Janet, we want Janet, Janet...

Janet a quick word. Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will be representing tonight?

Uh - Sanity For Today.

And that's the word from Janet Majors, DTV's newest star. Okay guys lets move on.

How's Brad?

He's a wreck.

Check. The quacks are willing tools?

Aaah, The quacks are fools.

Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors.

Its time to check with Flavors.

Shoot.

Is there anything else you'd like Janet?

Yeah, a new carpet. I hate the color. Don't you?

Its only one night Janet. Don't forget who we're doing this for. - Who?

Brad.

Y'know I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional cripple. I've got a lot going for me. I'm going places.

I'm gonna be someone. I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the people even if I have to kill to do it.

I'll make the pathetic little crones love me.

I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you I should be with my people.

Hey Janet!

Girl, you're great. - Oh well thanks.

Hi, my name's Frankie. - Francine!

And I think you're beautiful.

Hi. I'm Brenda. This is my brother Oscar and this is our friend Glitch Davidson.

Janet we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you this morning. . .

This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.

So if you're looking for a Standard to which you can aspire

Then baby Look at me!

Oh oh oh! Look at me!

I think you need a little rest. You've got a big night ahead of you.

Your clothes are real neat.

Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.

Aren't they great? But getting back to Faith Factory, all in all it looks like an exciting new series for us.

Yes, and a attractive financial prospect for Denton.

And fashion wise?

What did I tell you?

Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new look.

It will show off one or two old faces in an exciting new light.

Really? Sounds interesting. - Did you hear that Oliver?

Yes Betty. The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.

No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be sure of one thing, it all starts right here.

Thank you. And that's the word from Ralph Hapshadt and Macy Struthers.

Oh Oliver.

What are we going to do?

Care to indulge?

Indulge?

Uh huh. In a little um - masquerade.

Final reminder. Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits. Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.

Dentonvale, Parental Predicament.

Harry, what are we gonna do?

I don't know Emily. I'm worried. Maybe I can wear those black leather brogues.

Too flashy. They'll clash with the new outfits.

Alright Brad dear. Have another sedative.

We'll miss you on the show tonight.

And don't worry Brad.

I'll be back.

What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?

I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Face it Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

Quite frankly, He hates you.

Times tight Janet

Do it right Janet

Until tonight - Janet?

I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

I'm on a cul de sac

And I gotta go back

So come on feet

We're gonna hit the streets

We've got it made

I'm looking for trade

I'm looking for love

I'm looking for trade.

I need some young blood, I need some young blood,

I need it now.

I need some young blood, I need some young blood

And were gonna get it somehow.

I'm on a dead end street

I'm like a dog in heat

I'm like a kid with no toys

I wanna get those boys

Oooh I can't delay

I'm looking for trade.

I'm looking for love

I'm looking for trade.

Oh were all living like there's no tomorrow

And the way things are going that's probably true

But without you and me sis

The world would fall to pieces

Vena Cava whos the raver?

Our raving savior that's you

I'm on a primrose path

I'm looking for a little laugh

Remember its no fun

To be the chosen one.

There are games to be played

Looking for trade.

I'm looking for love

I'm looking for trade

I need some young blood, I need some young blood

I need it now.

Ohhh! I need some young blood

I need some young blood

And I'm gonna get it somehow, I'm looking for trade.

Janet? Janet? Wake up Janet.

You've got guests. You can come in now!

Hi Janet! - How are you feeling?

Who are you?

The band!

Do you have any friends?

Sure.

You won't have soon.

What are you called - your band?

Oscar Drill and the Bits.

Betty, its imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast fingers and Brad out of that hell hole,

before they both disappear forever.

I don't mind telling you Oliver, I'm not looking forward to this.

If only I could place that name. McKinley.

It was a president.

Presidents. Past presidents.

Betty, this is beginning to add up.

Really? What do I pin this on?

Faith Betty. But make sure its your own.

In a hurry Mr. Flavors?

There's a little lady he doesn't want to keep waiting. And a date.

Who is Mr. Flavors?

The past.

Like a virgin, with an urgin, in a surgery

I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.

The art will start when I play my part

As a healer who will steal your heart

Oh look what I did to my ID.

Oh look what I did to my ID.

With neurosis in perfusion

And psychosis in your soul

Eliminate confusion

And hide inside a brand new role!

Like a good time girl I'm gonna try some new tricks

This could be the start of a whole new career

Got a deep plumb lipstick and some therapeutics

This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.

Got some heartfelt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky

Young male intern tall and handsome

Got my hems so high they'll think I'm being cheeky.

Legs like mine were really made for dancing

Oh oh oh! Hey hey hey!

When heavens in the music

Hell is in control.

The angel's got the voices

But the Devil's got rock and roll!

We may look like we're phony medics

But we took our look from a book by Frederick's

Oh look what I did to my ID - ID!.

Look what I did to my ID.

Oh Brad.

He's an emotional cripple remember?

Even he wouldn't like to see you like this.

Listen Ralph, I just want to speak with someone. If I don't get in now, right now, there's going to be trouble!

Later Neely, okay?

Ralph!

How is she. - Well come on. Farley's expecting her any minute.

You guys get your asses in front of those cameras and try and earn yourselves a reputation, okay? Well move!

We just wanna ask a few questions. We've gotta know what happened!

These are for you Janet.

They'll make you keel a whole lot better.

Amateurs.

Give us a J! - J!

A! - A!

N! - N!

E! - E!

Give us a T! - T!

We can't hear you!

Oh my God! Character actors?

Ladies and gentlemen, the studio band will soon be here to entertain you

in anticipation of tonight's premiere taping of Farley Flavor's Faith Factory!

And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion, you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight.

And naturally feeling the excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to get a little outfit of my own together.

and this is it.

Ladies and gentlemen, to help get you in the mood for Faith Factory,

DTV proudly presents Denton's own - with a suburban garage sound, lets hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!

Oh Oliver. This is one time charity didn't begin at home.

I know how it feels

To be cooling my heels

I've been down on them

Long enough

But if I stay to them now

Then maybe somehow

You'll see through the bluff

I'm not playing it tough

I've been a lifetime on deposit

And that's a long time in the closet

And if you say to me

How was it?

It was hard taking

That heart breaking

God forsaken route.

But I'm

Buh buh buh buh buh buh

Breaking out!

You may say that you choose

To be in my shoes

but look what it

Did for me

I got buried alive

I don't thrive on that jive

Look and you'll see

That the spikes don't fit me

I've been a lifetime on deposit

And that's a long time in the closet

And if you say to me

How was it?

It was hard taking

That heart breaking

God forsaken route.

But I'm

Buh buh buh buh buh buh

Breaking out!

Where are we going? - To a family reunion

Breaking out! - Breaking out!

Breaking out! - Breaking out!

She represents everything our customers want: Innocence, decency, and the allusion of a happy ending.

And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under the capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating on the frontiers of medical science.

Under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy, our own Bert Schniks.

Now, lets get this show on the road!

Mr. Flavors. May I have a moment of your time?

Sure thing.

We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just a new series tonight. Is this true?

Absolutely correct.

Could you tell us a little more about it?

Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the national menu.

And how does local girl Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things?

Very nicely.

Brad?

And he's resented you all these years.

And Janet?

She represents everything he's been denied.

By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Denton's own, America's pride, the world's example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.

We bring you Miss Mental Health!

Isn't she lovely?

I love you baby!

She walks in beauty.

That's my little girl!

What a girl Janet!

We love you baby!

We all love Janet. Who do we love?

Janet!

The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Creme Modes of downtown Denton

and we've been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring.

This is just one of the many gifts that's so freely and generously given to Janet, the first of

we hope, many Miss Mental Healths!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.

Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos.

I'm holding in my hand here some keys

Keys which I would like to give to the little lady who is being so honored here tonight.

And I wanna tell ya, if she takes these keys she will find that they fit something.

And what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush fur seat covers and many many extras.

And its all hers for absolutely free.

Well, Janet. Janet is absolutely speechless ladies and gentlemen.

But here's someone we do want to hear from. A firm favorite of yours and mine.

You've reveled in his recipes.

You marveled in his marriage guidance. The all knowing, and now all seeing,

that's right, Bert Schniks!

"Bert you're beautiful!"

Hoopla Denton!

Hoopla Bert! - Thank you, welcome.

What's cooking Bert?

I'll tell you what's cooking buddy and I'll tell you too you guys.

She made the blind see and it was a gift. Who was the gift from?

Lets hear an F for. . .

Farley!

And another F for. . .

Flavors!

My friends! And you are all my friends.

My friends tonight we are taking the first step of defiance, and starting something that will grow so big that the whole world will reverberate with its sound.

And wherever our slogan "Sanity and vanity" is uttered, it will be linked incontrovertibly with this night, this station, and this beautiful face.

Come on, this way!

Its a crazy guy!

Seducer!

And who are you sir?

Your twin brother and your accuser!

Brad!

Arrest that man he's committed to our care.

I never signed your contract. He's not going anywhere.

Revenge your twin. You tried to abuse her.

A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.

Then why did you choose her?

Because of you sir!

You're a looser

An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

And you're a blind alley cruiser

Always heading down a loosing strait

Dreaming that you're screaming at fate

You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister

With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister

I took as much of you as any man can!

You've lost your heart

You've lost your cause

You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

You've lost your mind

You've lost your grip

So say bye-bye!

We lost our Mom

We lost our Dad

And if I'm loosing you

Well that's too bad

Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

You're a failure

A malformation in the guise of many

And all so rand

And you're a weeper and a whiner

Always treading on the toes of the great

Barely spreading your weight

You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature

A pupil with no scruples who's no better than the teacher

I took as much of you as any man can!

You've lost your heart

You've lost your cause

You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

You lost your mind

When you lost your grip

So say bye-bye!

We've lost our home

Our family

You've lost compassion

Now you're loosing me.

Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Take no notice of him! He's mad.

I'm as sane as you are.

Saner!

And he was only with us for one day!

They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

What?

Just memories.

We'll edit the tape. They'll never see everything.

Um I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate incident.

It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.

No offense. Offense? On the contrary.

This is a perfect example of what we are here to combat.

Out!

Out!

You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish, is the way we are going to put the rest of our house in order!

Including the upstairs!

Ah yes yes, Miss, you yes.

Would you come up here please and help us to inaugurate the Farley Flavor's Faith Factory, transmitting from coast to coast and continent to continent?

You are miss, uh miss?

Macy. Macy Struthers. - Macy Struthers!!!

Who loves you Baby?

She let me down. She let us all down!

Shut up Emily! And listen to a success story.

This could be worse than the old series.

In the old series we never had a convertible.

And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic tomorrow.

Now, will you follow me, down the DTV trail, to Dentonvale?

Dentonvale!!!

Thanks honey, they bought it. Now out of the way.

That's right!

I can't stand it. Everything good always happens to other people.

And fast food giant Farley Flavors has just given Miss Mental Health

what can only be described as an official kiss of approval.

And the crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.

Hey look they're having a party.

Ok, come on you guys.

Some people do it for compassion

Some people do it for the fashion

Some people do it to be funny

Some people do it for the money

Some people do it for enslavement

Some people do it on the pavement - But...

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

We're gonna do it

No matter how the wind is blowing

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

We're gonna do it

We just gotta keep going

Some people do it for each other

Some people do it for their lover

Some people do it for improvement

Some people do it for the movement

Some people do it for enjoyment

Some people do it for employment But...

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

We're gonna do it

No matter how the wind is blowing

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

We're gonna do it

We just gotta keep going

Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension

You're where the heart is you're okay!

Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension

You're the acceptable face,

Of the human race.

You're Denton Denton USA!

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

We're gonna do it

No matter how the wind is blowing

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

We're gonna do it

We just gotta keep going

The sun never sets on those who ride into it.

We just gotta keep going

subtitle created and based upon the SHOCK TREATMENT's script

subtitle created by HERBERTWEST