Original subtitles

My name is Act Cop.

I live in a house with two invisible doors.

One for my pet dinosaur, and one for me.

I only wear underwear that has a picture of me chopping off a bad guy's head.

When I turn, the picture of me moves, and chops off his head.

In the morning, I usually find a broken window, and I see a bad guy getting away

in the distance.

I have a rigorous exercise routine.

I can do an infinite amount of reps of everything.

When I arrive at the Axe Cop station, the first thing I do is print out a list

of bad guys to kill, and then I kill them all.

At night, after everyone goes home to be with their families, I go on a night

mission.

I don't work the day shift or the night shift.

I work the always shift.

Because I'm a hero.

One day, at the scene of the fire, the cop found the perfect axe.

That was the day he became... Axe Cop!

I need a partner now.

So he had tryouts and hired a partner. My name is Fleet Cop. The moon is on

fire! I will chop your heads off!

It's 835.

Yeah, you're usually here by 830.

What are you working, banking hours now?

Nailed it.

No, I was on a night mission.

So what bad guy did you kill last night? Actually, I killed two bad guys. They

were seventh graders.

Unfortunately, their mom, the evil red -headed woman, got away.

Oh, yeah? They don't sound too bad. What'd they do? They stole the

good guy machine and turned it into a bad guy machine.

Oh, that actually sounds pretty bad.

Socorang, lock the bad guy machine in the unbreakable vault.

Hello,

Flute Cop here.

Oh, Axe Cop, it's the United States President, and he wants to talk to you.

What do you want?

Okay.

What did the president say? He thanked me for getting his bad guy machine back

and is declaring tomorrow National Axe Cop Day. Does that mean we get tomorrow

off? Hey, bros, let's all take a vacation together.

I hate vacations. Come on, Axe Cop. You need a break more than any of us. Not

gonna happen. What if I told you I happen to have this cake coupon right

It's good at any beach resort in the whole world. Yeah, you could think of it

a vacation.

Hmm. A cake vacation?

Flute Cop, we'll use your miles.

I'll have an apple juice, no ice. Do you have chocolate milk?

Oop, this is me.

Just give me my keys.

I'm sorry, your room won't be ready until four.

What am I supposed to do for two hours?

Front desk, how can I assist you? I need 30 TV sets and 30 VCRs brought to my

room so I can watch movies I made of me fighting.

I like to study all my moves.

I'm also going to need a birthday cake.

I have a coupon.

You have got to be kidding me!

Who makes these machines?

Bad guys?

Axe Cop, is that you?

Super Axe? Man!

I haven't seen you since fighting college. If I'm not mistaken, that was

ten years ago. Don't you know it? But nothing has changed.

I'm exactly the same.

Oh, we used to tear it up back then.

All night battles, chopathons. Remember the punching finals? How can I forget?

A kick is a punch from a foot.

Man.

So what brings you to Hawaii?

My team and I are on vacation.

That sounds fun.

What about you? I'm here celebrating my anniversary.

You've chopped 10 million heads already?

Congratulations!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I haven't chopped a head in ages.

It's my wedding anniversary.

Ha! You always were super funny, Super Axe. I'm serious.

But you should be out killing bad guys. You're a hero.

Not anymore, I'm not. Now I'm a husband.

Oh, speaking of which, the wife and I have this couple's spa treatment right

about now, so I gotta run.

See you later.

I remember that.

Oh, that's a good move.

What the heck?

Hello!

Axe Cop!

Remember me? Of course I do. You're the evil red -headed woman.

I killed your children because they were evil.

Are you enjoying your vacation?

Now I'm not.

Oh, that's a shame. Because I am.

I spent National Axe Cop days stealing back my bad guy machine. But it was

locked in my unbreakable vault.

A mother with a broken heart can break any unbreakable vault. And now that I

have my bad guy machine, I'm going to go back in time and I'm going to turn

everyone evil. And that includes you.

Oh, I miss my

son.

We need to go on an important mission!

Axe Cop!

I knew you wanted to come down to the beach!

Hey, have you ever had coconut water? It's the water inside a coconut.

And you drink it!

That's too much potassium.

Now let's go!

Hey, come on, Axe Cop. I thought we were on vacation.

Fine. You guys stay here.

I know a real hero that can help save the world.

Super Axe! Oh, hey, Axe Cop!

Tracy, this is my old college buddy I was telling you about. Hey, Axe Cop,

heard so much about you. Pull up a chair and join us.

No time. Super Axe and I are going back in time to the year 0000 to stop the red

-headed woman from turning everyone evil.

Sorry, Axe Cop, but we do not want to miss the luau tonight.

Whoa, buddy, what are you doing? There's kids around. Don't worry. It's a time

portal gun.

Oh, I forgot to put on sunblock. Gray diamond, am I red? Oh, you're getting

cooked.

This is weird.

The beginning of time should be teeming with talking good animals.

Weird? What's weird is you can't take a hint, Axe Cop.

I'm not a hero anymore.

Of course you are. Don't you remember what Professor Teville taught us? Once a

hero, always a hero.

But I traded my axe for a wedding ring. Don't you remember what else he taught

us? Always carry a spare axe.

Fine.

Axe cop, over here. Talking fraud.

Where are all your good brothers and sisters?

The red -headed woman captured them. She turned them all evil. I alone have

escaped to tell you. Where is she now?

She's up there, at the center of all time.

I'll take you. All right, let's go.

Boy, I'm glad you guys got here when you did. The only reason I survived this

long is because I buried myself in the dead carcass of my brother. But now that

you're here, I know I'm safe.

Oh, no, an evil Griffith!

Let's go!

Once I put this good frog through the bad guy machine, everyone throughout

will be turned evil for...

Stop right there, evil red -headed woman. You're too late, Axe Cop.

Help me, Axe Cop.

Everyone throughout time is now evil.

Who wants to fight?

I do. No, we do.

riding a gorilla, riding a lion.

Remember our senior thesis from fighting college?

You mean when you put two axes together, it forms a super blue diamond axe?

But that was just a theory.

No!

Bye -bye, red -headed woman. Don't you mean dead -headed woman.

Oh, man.

I knew you still had it in you. This was actually pretty fun.

I can't wait to tell Tracy that her husband still has a little hero left in

You can't tell Tracy.

What do you mean, X -Cot? We've killed everyone at the beginning of time.

Tracy doesn't exist anymore.

What?

Oh, no.

Terrible. I know, but don't worry. We can find more bad guys to kill on other

planets. Have you ever killed an alien?

It's different, but still fun.

I can't believe it.

I thought you were a hero, Super Axe.

Super Axe, what's going on? Tracy!

Axe Cop showed up right before the pork was coming out and transported me here?

He said something about me and you living at the center of time and

the world?

God, you were right. He is crazy.

He's not crazy.

He's a hero.

Some people have other things to do.

Not me.

Hey honey, I'm home.

Some people have families.

Not me. Some people even have friends.

Not me.

My name is Axe Cop.

I don't work the day shift or the night shift. I work the always shift.

Because I'm a hero.

And everyone else isn't.