All language subtitles for Hellviras.Haunted.Asylum.Of.Horror.2024.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[sinister music playing]

[thunder storm rages]

[wind howls]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm, look at all these sexy freaks.

I bet they taste good, too.

[GASP]

Hello, friends.

Welcome to my haunted asylum of horror.

[LAUGHTER]

[THUNDER CLAP]

I'm your succubus clown girl with the

creamy gothic swirl.

Hellvira, Mistress of Midnight.

Oi.

Hey!

It's my best friend, Mr. Nanners.

What have you been up to, Mr. Nanners?

I was banging a ghost in the morgue.

What's up with you?

You been hooking up with a ghost?

Orale... then you woke up!

[HOARK LAUGHING]

She is too real.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, we're all very happy

for you and your, "girlfriend."

Now let me introduce you to the rest of

these mental patients.

HELLVIRA: The Aztec enigma, Senor Bonez.

Greetings ladies, I'm the God with the Serpent Tounge! [LAUGHING]

HELLVIRA: And my joke writer, Jester the Dread.

That's right.

Send all your complaints

about the comedy to me,

or I will diligently

review your concerns,

and then shove them right up your ass.

[LAUGHTER]

Mr. Nanners...

Boop!

- Her name is Daphne.

Shh.

Nobody cares.

HELLVIRA: Hoark the Clown.

[LAUGHTER]

Hoark can make a death row inmate

laugh on the electric chair.

[LAUGHTER]

And my personal bodyguard and butler,

Lord Xyclon 7.

Query.

What is... "butler?"

Oh, you know...

It's kind of like uh

exotic male sex slave.

Basically, I get to ride

your face whenever I want.

Nygaaah

Your incessant flirting is becoming

increasingly obnoxious.

Hey!

I hired you to watch

my back... and my front.

[bat wings flapping]

Hellvira, lookout! The flying bitch is back!

[BAT WINGS FLAPPING] Oh!

Watch it.

Quick.

Someone get a crucifix and a broom.

Our resident vampire,

Miss Fang, and she's crazy.

Hey bitch, don't even

start with me right now.

Ah!

She's got me!

Tonights show is written by George A. Romero

and John Russo

in 1968's

"Night and Living Dead"-- hey!

[SCREAMS]

Directed by Romero.

Miss Fang, you're ruining my shot.

[SCREAMS]

Starring, Judith O'dea

...dirty birdy! -Ugh!

Duane Jones and Karl... Hardman - Ah!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BAT SCREECHES]

Hey, where you going?

Some bitches can't handle pussy,

especially when it bites back.

Now, let's watch our show.

Night of the Living Dead.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH]

[OMINOUS MUSIC STARTS]

They ought to make the day the time changes
the first day of summer.

- What?
- Well, it's 8 o'clock and it's still light.

A lot of good the extra daylight does us.

Now, we've still got a three-hour drive back.
We're not gonna be home until after midnight.

Well, if it really bugged you, Johnny,
you wouldn't do it.

You think I wanna blow Sunday
on a scene like this?

You know, I figure we're either gonna
have to move Mother out here,

or move the grave into Pittsburgh.

- She can't make a trip like this.
- Oh, I don't know that she can't.

Is there any of that candy left?

No.

Look at this thing. "We still remember."

I don't. You know, I don't even remember
what the man looks like.

Johnny, it takes you five minutes.

Yeah, five minutes
to put the wreath on the grave

and six hours to drive back and forth.

Mother wants to remember,

so we trot 200 miles into the country
and she stays at home.

Well, we're here, John. All right?

- [RADIO: FREQUENCY SQUEALING]
- MAN: Testing. Are we back on?

Oh. Uh, ladies and gentlemen...

Hey, do...

we're coming back on the air after
an interruption due to technicalprobl...

There's nothing wrong with the radio.
Must've been the station.

Which row is it in?

Boy, there's no one around.

Well, it's late.
If you'd gotten up earlier...

Oh, look, I already lost an hour's sleep
on the time change.

I think you complain
just to hear yourself talk.

There it is.

I wonder what happened
to the one from last year.

Each year we spend good money
on these things.

We come out here,
and the one from last year is gone.

Well, the flowers die, and the caretaker
or somebody takes them away.

Yeah, a little spit and polish,
he can clean this up, sell it next year.

Wonder how many times
we've bought the same one.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[THUNDER CONTINUES RUMBLING]

Hey, come on, Barb.
Church was this morning, huh?

[LOUD THUNDERCLAP]

[THUNDER CONTINUES CRASHING, RUMBLING]

Hey, I mean, praying's for church, huh?

Come on.

I haven't seen you in church lately.

[CHUCKLES] Well, there's not much sense
in my going to church.

Do you remember one time
when we were small, we were out here?

It was from right over there.

I jumped out at you from behind a tree,

and Grandpa got all excited,
and he shook his fist at me and he said,

"Boy, you'll be damned to hell." [CHUCKLES]

Remember that? Right over there.

You used to really be scared here.

Johnny.

Hey, you're still afraid.

Stop it now. I mean it.

They're coming to get you, Barbra.

Stop it! You're ignorant!

They're coming for you, Barbra.

Stop it. You're acting like a child.

They're coming for you.

Look! There comes one of them now!

- He'll hear you.
- Here he comes now.

- I'm getting out of here.
- Johnny!

[SCREAMING] No!

No! Johnny!

Help me! Help!

[GHOUL GROWLING, GRUNTING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

[SCREAMS]

[THUNDERCLAP]

[THUNDER CONTINUES RUMBLING]

[AUDIENCE cheering]
[MUSIC PLAYING]

Guess what, gang? My ex-boyfriend's

coming over tonight.

I know what you're thinking.

He's seen the error of his ways and he's

gonna pop the question.

And I'm like, "Duh, you idiot, yeah."

[knock knock knock]

[gasps]

He's here!

[door creaks open]

[door creaks closed]

[thud]

[cheering]

Bleeesh. He looks

like a human barnacle.

Hey, look, everybody. It's my

ex-boyfriend, Stabby the Clown.

Give me some sugar.

[crowd laughs]

Let me love you!

What did I tell you would

happen if I ever saw you again?

Um, that you'd skin me alive and hang me

on your wall like a trophy?

[crowd laughs]

Bingo!

But before all that, I want to see the

look on your dumb face when

I introduce you to my new...

girlfriend.

[crowd gasping]

Hellvira, meet... Stabbatha!

[gasp]

STABBATHA: So, this little street urchin is Hellvira?

How pathetic.

STABBY: That's right, baby.

She'll never have what we have.

Syphilis?

[crowd laughs]

- Oh, Stabby, if that's what you're into, I

have a whole drawer full of toys

that we can stick in your butt.

STABBATHA: Listen, bitch. Stop sending My Man lewd

messages and pics of your

disgusting Harry Briar patch.

Yeah! You crazy... you crazy bitch!

Well, I happen to be

very fond of Briar patches.

[ghost tounge wagging]

[laughing]

That's too bad. We can have a lot of fun.

STABBATHA: Oh, what do you mean?

I mean, a sexy knife like you and a horny

succubus like me?

HELLVIRA: Sounds like a lot of fun.

Wait a minute! Get away from her!

[CROWD LAUGHING]
STABBATHA: Oooh, so aggressive. I love it.

This is bullshit!

I only agreed to do this show so this
[STABBATHA GIGGLING]

crazy bitch would leave me alone!

I'm just a simple clown. I stab people

and I play with their corpses, just

trying to live my best clown life.

[LAUGHING]

[STABBATHA HEAVY PANTING]

What?

Oh, you're girlfriends amazing.
[STABBATHA PANTING]

[crowd laughing]

[STABBATHA and HELLVIRA PANTING]

Fuck this show!

[crowd applauds]

HELLVIRA: Hey, where you going?

Are we still on the air?

[record scratch]

[GASPING, PANTING]

[THUNDER CONTINUES RUMBLING]

[CLATTERING]

[LINE BUZZING]

[LINE BUZZING]

[BARBRA SCREAMS]

[TIRES SKIDDING ON GRAVEL]

[TRUCK DOOR SLAMS]

[EXHALES]

It's all right.

Don't worry about him. I can handle him.

Probably be a lot more of them
as soon as they find out about us.

Truck is out of gas.

This pump out here is locked. Is there a key?

We can try to get out of here
if we can get some gas. Is there a key?

I suppose you've tried this.

[LINE BUZZING]

Do you live here?

Jesus.

We've gotta get out of here.

We have to get to where
there are some other people.

M-Maybe we better take some food.

I'll see if I can find some food.

[LIQUID DRIPPING]

- What's happening?
- I'll be just a second.

What's happening?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Two of them.

There are two of them out there.
Have you seen any more around here?

- I can take care of those two.
- I don't know. I don't know.

- I know you're afraid, but we have to...
- I don't know! I don't know!

[WHIMPERS] What's happening?

[BARBRA SOBS]

[GHOUL GROANING]

[GROANING]

They know we're in here now.

[MUSIC]

[WIND BLOWS]

Hi!

Welcome to my playhouse where I play the

mommy and you're the delicious neighbor.

No, I'm your biggest fan. My

name is Becky Dark. I'm an influencer.

An influencer? What are you doing

sneaking around my

window, peeping in at me?

Not that I'm mine or anything.

I came here because I'm your biggest fan.

I love you. I love everything about you.

Your humor, your look, your sexy body.

Okay, so you're a stalker?

Don't eat me. I just came here to meet

you. I'm really, really

sorry if I offended you.

Listen, girly, you can calm down. I quit

eating human meat. I'm

essentially a vegan now.

Oh, thank God. I'm so

happy for a minute there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

meat. Are you a vegan?

It's Becky. And I'm a proud vegan. I have

been most of my life.

Well, lucky me. We're

HELLVIRA: eating vegan tonight after all.

[CHOKING]

[COUGHS]

[GASPING]

Remember, kids. A vegan will happily sacrifice

thier life to save other critters and I respect that.

[GASP]

I got dibs on the pussy!

[MUSICAL FLOURISH]

Don't look at it.

[WHEEZING, GROANING]

Get some more lights on in this house.

Why don't you see if you can find some wood,
some boards, something there by the fireplace,

something we can nail this place up.

Look, goddamn it...

Look. I know you're afraid.

I'm afraid too.

But we have to try to
board the house up together.

Now, I'm going to board up the windows
and the doors. Do you understand?

We'll be all right here.

We'll be all right here
till someone comes to rescue us.

But we have to work together.
You'll have to help me.

Now, go in and get some wood
so I can board the place up.

Do you understand? Okay?

Okay?

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING MELODY]

That'll hold 'em.
Those things aren't that strong.

Here, I want you to pick out some nails.
Pick out the biggest ones you can find.

There. This room looks pretty secure.

If we have to, we can run in here
and board up the doors.

Won't be long before those things'll be back,
pounding their way in here. They're afraid now.

They're afraid of fire. I found that out.

You know a place back down the road
called Beekman's? Beekman's Diner?

Anyhow, that's where I found that truck
I have out there.

There's a radio in the truck.

I had jumped in to listen to it...

when a big gasoline truck
came screaming right across the road.

Well, there must have been
10, 15 of those things chasing after it,

grabbing and holding on.

I didn't see them at first.

I could just see that the truck
was moving in a funny way.

And those things were catching up to it.

Truck went right across the road.

Slammed on my brakes
to keep from hitting it myself.

It went right through the guardrail.

I guess...

I guess the driver
must have cut off the road,

into that gas station by Beekman's Diner.

It went right through the billboard,

ripped over a gas pump
and never stopped moving.

By now it was like a moving bonfire.

Didn't know if the truck
was going to explode or what.

I can still hear the man screaming...

these things just backing away from it.

I looked back at the diner to see if there
was anyone there who could help me.

That was when I noticed that...

the entire place had been encircled.

Wasn't a sign of life left, except...

By now, there were no more screams.

I realized that...

I was alone,

with 50 or 60 of those things

just standing there, staring at me.

I-I started to drive. I...

just plowed right through them.

They didn't move. They didn't run or...

Just stood there, staring at me.

I just wanted to crush them.

They...

scattered through the air, like bugs.

[CHANTING MYSTICAL MONKS]

Long, dong, nom, dilly-om

Long, dong, nom, dilly-om

Long, dong, nom, dilly-om

Hey Mr. Nanners, what are you up to?

Shut your flappy gob.

We's making magic.

Is that you, Tammy Jo Sugar Tits?

DEMONIC VOICE: Your doll isn't here

anymore, Hellvira...

TAMMY JO: Hehehehe! Just kidding, it's me.

What are you up to, mister?

Listen, it's all very innocent. I'm using

this Hellion artifact to

resurrect Nurse Daphne.

TAMMY JO: I feel weird, y'all.

Like the bowels of the Hell opened up and

it tickles my taint. [ELECTRICITY CRAKLING]

[STORM RAGES]

[LIGHTNING CRACKLES]

[EXPOLSIONS]

- Cor Blimey...

- Hiya, Nanny-Kins.

My goodness.

I'm my old self again.

Sort of.

Nanners, you genius.

[HONK]

Excuse me, miss?

I'm sorry. My name is Hellvira.

Mistress of Midnight.

Nurse Daphne?

Can you help me?

Of course, what's the problem?

There's this crazy bitch flying around

biting my love lumps and I think it needs

medical attention.

[BAT SCREECHES]

[SCREAMING]

Oh, no, Honey.

Hey, I fell off the dang thing.

What'd I miss?

Well, dang it.

Let's get back to the movie.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH]

We were riding in the cemetery...

Johnny and me.

Johnny.

We...

We came to put a wreath on my father's grave,

Johnny and m...

And he said,

"Can I have some candy, Barbra?"

And we didn't have any.

And...

Oh, it's hot in here.

Hot.

[BARBRA GROANS]

Uh, and he said,

"Oh, it's late.

Why did we start so late?"

And I said,

"Johnny, if you'd gotten up earlier,
we wouldn't be late."

Johnny asked me if I were afraid.

And I said, "I'm not afraid, Johnny."

And then this man
started walking up the road.

He came slowly,

and Johnny kept teasing me and saying,

"He's coming to get you, Barbra."

And I laughed at him and said,
"Johnny, stop it."

And then Johnny ran away.

And I...

I went up to this man,
and I was going to apologize.

Why don't you just keep calm?

And I looked up, and...

and I said, "Good eve..."

And he grabbed me.

He grabbed me!

And he ripped at me!

He held me and he ripped at my clothes!

I think you should just calm down.

Oh, I screamed, "Johnny!

Johnny, help me!

Oh, help me!"

And he wouldn't let me go.

He ripped... [SOBS]

And then Johnny came, and he ran,
and he... he fought this man.

And I got so afraid, I ran.

I ran.

I ran.

And Johnny didn't come.

We've got... We have to wait for Johnny.

Maybe we'd better go out and get him.

We have to go out and get Johnny.

He's out there.

Please! Don't you hear me?

We've got to go out and get him.

Please!

[SCREAMING] We have got to go get Johnny!

Please help me!

Please!

Don't you know what's going on out there?
This is no Sunday school picnic.

Don't you understand? My brother is alone!

- Your brother is dead.
- No!

My brother is not dead!

No! [SHOUTS] Oh!

[GROANS]

[STATIC BUZZING]

[FREQUENCIES TUNING]

MAN: Because of the obvious threat
to untold numbers of citizens,

and because of the crisis
which is even now developing,

this radio station will remain
on the air, day and night.

This station and hundreds
of other radio and TV stations

throughout this part of the country

are pooling their resources
through an emergency network hookup

to keep you informed of all developments.

At this hour, we repeat,
these are the facts as we know them.

There is an epidemic of mass murder
being committed

by a virtual army of unidentified assassins.

The murders are taking place
in villages, cities, rural homes, and suburbs

with no apparent pattern
or reason for the slayings.

It seems to be a sudden,
general explosion of mass homicide.

We have some descriptions of the assassins.

Eyewitnesses say
they are ordinary-looking people.

Some say they appear to be
in a kind of trance.

Others describe them as being...

So, at this point there is no
really authentic way for us to say

who or what to look for
and guard yourself against...

misshapen monsters.

Reaction of law enforcement officials
is one of complete bewilderment at this hour.

So far we have been unable to determine

that any kind of
organized investigation is yet under way.

Police, sheriffs' deputies
and emergency ambulances

are literally deluged with calls for help.

The scene can best be described as mayhem.

Mayors of Pittsburgh,
Philadelphia, and Miami,

along with the governors of several
Eastern and Midwestern states,

have indicated the national guard
may be mobilized at any moment,

but that has not happened as yet.

The only advice our reporters
have been able to get from official sources

is for private citizens to stay
in their homes behind locked doors.

Do not venture outside for any reason

until the nature of this crisis
has been determined

and until we can advise
what course of action to take.

Keep listening to radio and TV

for any special instructions
as this crisis develops further.

Thousands of office and factory workers

are being urged
to stay at their places of employment,

not to make any attempt
to get to their homes.

However, in spite of this urging and warning,

streets and highways are packed with
frantic people trying to reach their families,

or apparently to flee just anywhere.

We repeat: The safest course of action
at this time is simply to stay where you...

[GHOULS SCREAMING]

MAN ON RADIO: Ladies and gentlemen,
we've just received word

that the president
has called a meeting of his cabinet

to deal with the sudden epidemic of murder

which has seized
the eastern third of this nation.

The meeting is scheduled
to convene within the hour.

Members of the presidential cabinet

will be joined by officials of the FBI
and the joint chiefs behind closed doors.

A White House spokesman,
in announcing this conference,

says there will be an official announcement
as soon as possible following that meeting.

This is the latest dispatch
just received in our newsroom.

Latest word also from national press services
in Washington, DC, now tells us

that the emergency presidential conference
which we've just mentioned

will include high-ranking scientists

from the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration.

That's the extent of this latest...

[RADIO BECOMES FAINT, CONTINUES]

All radio and TV stations
across the eastern part of the country,

including the one to which you are listening,

have joined their facilities
in an emergency network

to bring you this news as it develops.

We urge you to stay tuned to radio and TV
and to stay indoors at all costs.

Late reports reaching this newsroom
tell of frightened people

seeking refuge in churches, schools,
and government buildings,

demanding shelter and protection
from the wholesale murder

which apparently is engulfing
much of the nation.

Law enforcement officials are at a loss
to explain or, even at this hour,

even to theorize about the reasons
for this wave of murder.

So far, all they're able to give the public
is something similar to the response

of Chief T.K. Dunmore
of Camden, North Carolina,

who is quoted as saying, quote,

"Tell the people, for God's sake,
to get off the streets.

Tell 'em to go home
and lock their doors and windows up tight.

We don't know what kind of
murder-happy characters we have here."

End quote. That's Chief Dunmore
of Camden, North Carolina.

So far the only descriptions,
the only clues anyone has of the killers

come from frightened witnesses.

These eyewitness accounts variously describe
the murderers as "ordinary looking people, "

"misshapen monsters,"
"people who look like they're in a trance, "

and "things that look like people
but act like animals."

Some eyewitnesses tell of seeing victims

who look as though they had been torn apart.

This whole ghastly story
began developing two days ago

with the report of the slaying
of a family of seven

in their rural home near Gulfport, Louisiana.

Since then, reports of some
senseless killings began snowballing

in a reign of terror which has hopscotched
in an erratic and disconnected pattern

throughout much of the eastern
and midwestern United States.

Efforts to keep track of the murder reports
by the placing of markers on a map

seem to indicate a general spreading
from the extreme southeastern United States

to the north and west.

Our newsmen have been on the telephone,
talking with officials in other cities,

and have determined
that none of this kind of mass murder

has yet been reported
west of the Mississippi River,

except in the extreme
southeastern portion of Texas.

Similar killings have been reported
around the Houston and Galveston areas,

- but nothing like the...
- I found a gun and some bullets out there.

- It was only late yesterday...
- Oh, and these.

That it soon became clear that we were
facing some kind of national emergency.

When first reports began filtering in,

newsmen and law enforcement agencies
were of the opinion...

This place is boarded up pretty solid now.

We ought to be all right here for a while.

We have the gun and the bullets,
food and the radio.

MAN ON RADIO: ...began to suspect
an obscure kind of conspiracy.

Sooner or later,
someone's bound to come and get us out.

...creatures from outer space.

Again, we join with law enforcement agencies
in urging you to seek shelter in a building.

Lock the doors and windows securely.

Hey, that's us. We're doing all right.

Be cautious of any suspicious strangers,

and keep tuned to your radio and television
for survival instructions

and further details of this continuing story.

- Look, I don't know if you're hearing me...
- [MAN ON RADIO CONTINUES ANNOUNCING]

but I'm going upstairs now.

It's almost as though
some critical balance...

If anything should try to break in here,
I can hear it from up there.

I'll be down to take care of it.

We repeat: This radio station...

Everything is all right for now. I'll be back
to reinforce the windows and doors later.

But you'll be all right for now. Okay?

Okay?

Civil defense officials in Cumberland
have told newsmen

that murder victims
show evidence of having been

partially devoured by their murderers.

Consistent reports from witnesses
to the effect

that people who acted as though
they were in a kind of trance

were killing and eating their victims

prompted authorities to examine
the bodies of some of the victims.

Medical authorities in Cumberland
have concluded that in all cases

the killers are eating the flesh
of the people they murder.

Repeating this latest bulletin just received
moments ago from Cumberland, Maryland,

civil defense authorities have told newsmen
that murder victims show evidence

of having been partially devoured
by their murderers.

Medical examination of victims' bodies
shows conclusively

that the killers are eating the flesh
of the people they kill.

And so this incredible story
becomes more ghastly with each report.

- It's difficult to imagine...
- [THUMPING]

such a thing actually happening,

but these are the reports we have been
receiving and passing on to you,

reports which have been verified as completely
as is possible in this confused situation.

It is happening, and it would appear
that no one is safe

- from this wave of mass...
- [SCREAMS]

- Hey! Come here!
- [BARBRA CONTINUES SCREAMING]

YOUNG MAN: Calm... Calm down! Calm down!

- [MAN ON RADIO CONTINUES ANNOUNCING]
- Hold it!

Don't shoot. We're from town.

- A radio!- ...Butler County, Pennsylvania.

The Butler County sheriff has verified
that reports of murder victims

being partially eaten
by their slayers is true.

No further details available at this time.
However...

How long you guys been down there?
I could've used some help up here.

That's the cellar. It's the safest place.

You mean you didn't hear the racket
we were making up here?

How were we supposed to know
what was going on?

- Could've been those things, for all we knew.
- That girl was screaming.

Surely you must know
what a girl screaming sounds like.

Those things don't make any noise.

Anybody would know
somebody's in need of help.

Look, it's kind of hard to hear
what's going on from down there.

We thought we could hear screams,

but for all we knew that could have meant
those things were in the house after her.

- And you wouldn't come up and help?
- Well, if there were more...

The racket sounded like
the place was being ripped apart.

How were we supposed to know
what was going on?

Now, wait a minute. You just got finished
saying you couldn't hear from down there.

Now you say it sounded like
this place was being ripped apart.

It would be nice
if you'd get your story straight, man.

All right, now you tell me.

I'm not gonna take that kind of a chance
when we've got a safe place.

We luck into a safe place, and you're
telling us we've gotta risk our lives

just because somebody might need help, huh?

Yeah. Something like that.

- All right, why don't we settle this...
- Look, mister!

We came up, okay? We're here.

I suggest we all go back downstairs before
any of those things find out we're in here.

They can't get in here.

- You got the whole place boarded up?
- Yeah, most of it.

All but a few spots upstairs.
They won't be hard to fix.

You're insane. The cellar's the safest place.

I'm telling you, they can't get in here.

And I'm telling you,
those things turned over our car.

We were damned lucky to get away at all.

Now you tell me those things
can't get through this lousy pile of wood?

His wife and kid's downstairs.

The kid's hurt.

Well, I still think we're better off up here.

We could strengthen everything up,
Mr. Cooper.

With all of us working,
we could fix this place up in no time.

We have everything we need up here.

We can take all that stuff
downstairs with us.

Man, you're really crazy. You know that?

You got a million windows up here.
All these windows.

You're gonna make them strong enough
to keep these things out, huh?

I told you, those things
don't have any strength.

I smashed three of them
and pushed another one out the door.

Did you hear me when I told you
they turned over our car?

- Oh, hell, any good five men can do that.
- That's my point.

Only there's not going to be five,
or even 10.

There's gonna be 20, 30,
maybe a hundred of those things.

And as soon as they know we're here,
this place is gonna be crawling with them.

Well, if there are that many,
they'll probably get us wherever we are.

[SIGHS] Look, the cellar.

The cellar, there's only one door, right?
Just one door. That's all we have to protect.

Tom and I fixed it
so it locks and boards from the inside.

But up here, all these windows, why, we'd never
know where they were gonna hit us next.

You got a point, Mr. Cooper.

But down in the cellar,
there's no place to run to.

I mean, if they did get in, there'd be
no back exit. We'd be done for.

Ah!

We can get out of here if we have to.

And we got windows
to see what's going on outside.

But down there, with no windows, if a rescue
party did come, we wouldn't even know it.

But the cellar is the strongest place.

The cellar is a death trap.

I don't know, Mr. Cooper.

I think he's right.

You know how many's out there?

I don't know. I figure maybe six or seven.

Look. You two can do whatever you like.

I'm going back down to the cellar

and you better decide,
'cause I'm gonna board up that door,

and I'm not gonna unlock it again,
no matter what happens.

- Now, wait a minute, Mr. Cooper.
- No, I'm not gonna wait!

I've made my decision. Now you make yours.

Now, wait a minute! Let's think about this.

We can make it to the cellar if we have to.

And if we do decide to stay down there,
we'll need some things from up here.

So let's at least consider this a while.

...at all costs.

Late reports reaching this newsroom...

If you box yourself in the cellar and
those things get in the house, you've had it.

At least up here you have a fighting chance.

Yeah, it looks like
about eight or 10 out there now.

That's more than there were.

There are a lot out back too.

So far, the best advice they're...

[GUNSHOT]

- WOMAN: Harry?
- It's all right.

- Harry, what's happening?
- It's... It's all right!

[RIFLE COCKS]

[GUNSHOT]

Damn thing.

[GUNSHOT]

[GROANING]

We gotta fix these boards.

You're crazy!

Those things are gonna be
at every window and door in this place!

We've got to get down into the cellar.

Go down in your damn cellar! Get out of here!

[MAN ON RADIO CONTINUES ANNOUNCING]

- I'm... I'm taking the girl with me.
- You leave her here.

Keep your hands off her,
and everything else that's up here too.

Because if I stay up here,
I'm fighting for everything up here,

and the radio and the food
is part of what I'm fighting for.

- If you're going down in the cellar, get.
- The man's insane.

He's insane.

We've got to have food down there.
We've got a right.

- This your house?
- We've got a right.

- You going down there with him?
- W-Well, I...

Yes or no? This is your last chance.
No beating around the bush.

Listen, I got a kid down there.

She can't possib...
I couldn't bring her up here.

She can't possibly take all the racket from
those things smashing through the windows.

Well, you're her father.

If you're stupid enough to go die
in that trap, that's your business.

However, I am not stupid enough
to follow you.

It is tough for the kid
that her old man is so stupid.

Now, get the hell down in the cellar.

You can be the boss down there.
I'm boss up here.

You bastards!

You know, I won't open this door again.
I mean it.

- Mr. Cooper, with your help, we can...
- With my help!

Let him go, man.
His mind is made up. Just let him go.

Wait a minute.

Judy? Come on up here, honey.

- You're gonna let them get her too, huh?
- It's all right, honey. Go ahead.

If we stick together, man,
we can fix it up real good.

But there... there's lots of places
we can run to up here.

Mr. Cooper?

We'd all be a lot better off
if all three of us were working together.

Hey.

Hey, kid.

He's wrong, you know.

I'm not boxing myself in down there.

MAN: To repeat, this radio station
will remain on the air day and night.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Welcome back, my Hellions. I don't know

about you, but zombie

movies make me horny.

Especially zombies that take their time

to crawl to you.

It's that fear of being eaten alive

slowly that is orgasmic.

You obscene little monkey. I love it.

[ORGASMIC RINGTONE]

[BEEP]

Hello?

BONERIPPER: I'm coming to get you!

[LAUGHING]

Holy scream

franchise, is this Ghost Face?

BONERIPPER: Wow, you think pretty highly of yourself,

don't you? You're a fucking nobody.

[LAUGHING]

I'm here to gut you like a fish!

Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. I want to

hear all the gory details.

What's your name, by the way?

Bone Ripper!

[LAUGHING]

I finally got you, you bitch!

[LAUGHING]

[CHOKING]

[GASP]

[MUSIC ENDS]

Ooh, take a bite of that peach.

No!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

TAMMY JO: Oh, honey, another nightmare?

Yes, over and over. I'm never

getting out of this hellhole.

TAMMY JO: Oh, my sweet little man. Come back to bed

and I'll make you forget all

about that mean old Hellvira.

You're my only friend in

this hellhole, Tammy Jo.

TAMMY JO: We're so lucky to have found

each other, Mr. Bone Ripper.

TAMMY JO: Thanks, Miss Hellvira. Wink.

Well, we're safe now. It's boarded up tight.

What about Tom and Judy?

They wanna stay up there, let 'em.

There are... two other people upstairs.

- A man and a girl.
- We heard the screaming.

Yeah, but I didn't know who they were,

and I wasn't about to take
any unnecessary chances.

Of course not, Harry.

- Is she all right?
- I don't know what it is.

She feels warm. Maybe it's shock.

Where'd you get the bandage?

Some laundry in a basket. I tore a sheet.

Let them stay upstairs.

Let them.

Too many ways those monsters
can get in up there.

We'll see who's right.

We'll see, when they come begging me
to let them in down here.

- That's important, isn't it?
- What?

- To be right. Everybody else to be wrong.
- What do you mean by that?

Does anyone up there know
why we're being attacked?

[SIGHS]

Whatever it is, it isn't just happening here.

It's some kind of mass murder.
It's going on everywhere.

- The radio said to stay inside...
- Radio?

Radio, upstairs. I heard a news bulletin.

There's a radio upstairs,
and you boarded us in down here?

- I know what I'm doing.
- What did it say?

Nothing! Nothing!
They don't know anything yet.

The... There's mass murder everywhere,

and people are supposed to look
for a safe place to hide.

Take the boards off that door.

We are staying down here, Helen.

Harry, that radio is at least
some kind of communication.

If the authorities know what's happening,
well, they'll send people for us,

or they'll tell us what to do.

How are we going to know what's going on
if we lock ourselves in this dungeon?

We may not enjoy living together...

but dying together
isn't going to solve anything.

Those people aren't our enemies.

TOM: Mr. Cooper!

Mr. Cooper?
Ben found a television set upstairs.

Let's go up. Tom?

Yes.

If Judy would come downstairs
for a few minutes,

Harry and I could come upstairs.

Okay. Yeah. Right away.

- Will you do it?
- Do I have to?

Look, honey, nothing's gonna get done
with them down there and us up here.

Do this, for me.

Okay.

Okay, open up.

I'll take good care of her, Helen.

She's all I have.

Why don't you go upstairs now?

Her brother was killed.

BEN: Hey, give me a hand with this thing.

I gotta go help Ben with the television.

Don't be afraid of me.

I'm Helen Cooper, Harry's wife.

This place is ridiculous.

Look at this.
There's a million weak spots up here.

Give me one of those.

Her brother was killed.

And they talk about these windows.

I can't see a damned thing.

There could be 15 million
of those things out there.

That's how much good these windows are.

Why don't you do something to help somebody?

Here, I have it.
Drag a couple of those chairs together.

There's a socket over here.

Now, you'd better watch this
and try to understand what's going on.

I don't want anyone's life on my hands.

Is there anything I can do to help?

I don't want to hear
any more from you, mister.

If you stay up here, you take orders from me!

And that includes leaving the girl alone.

- It's on! It's on!
- There's no sound.

Play with the rabbit ears.

Reports, incredible as they seem,

are not the results of mass hysteria.

Mass hysteria.

What do they think, we're imagining all this?

Shut up.

In all parts of the country.

The wave of murder which is sweeping
the eastern third of the nation

is being committed by creatures
who feast upon the flesh of their victims.

First eyewitness accounts
of this grisly development

came from people who were understandably
frightened and almost incoherent.

Officials and newsmen at first discounted
those eyewitness descriptions

as being beyond belief.

However, the reports persisted.

Medical examinations of some of the victims

bore out the fact
that they had been partially devoured.

I think we have some late word just arriving,

and we interrupt to bring this to you.

This is the latest disclosure in a report

from National Civil Defense headquarters
in Washington.

It has been established
that persons who have recently died

have been returning to life
and committing acts of murder.

A widespread investigation
of reports from funeral homes,

morgues, and hospitals

has concluded that the unburied dead
are coming back to life

and seeking human victims.

It's hard for us here to believe
what we're reporting to you,

but it does seem to be a fact.

When this emergency first began,

radio and television
was advising people to stay inside,

behind locked doors, for safety.

Well, that situation has now changed.

We're able to report
a definite course of action for you.

Civil defense machinery has been organized

to provide rescue stations
with food, shelter, medical treatment,

and protection by armed national guardsmen.

Stay tuned to the broadcasting stations
in your local area

for this list of rescue stations.

This list will be repeated
throughout our news coverage.

Look for the name
of the rescue station nearest you

and make your way to that location
as soon as possible.

So we have that truck. If we can get
some gas, we can get outta here.

- There's a pump out by the shed.
- I know. That's why I pulled in here.

But it's locked.

...emergency meeting called
this afternoon by the president.

Since convening,
this conference of the presidential cabinet,

the FBI, the joint chiefs of staff, the CIA

has not produced any public information.

Why are space experts being consulted
about an earthbound emergency?

So far, all the betting
on the answer to that question

centers on the recent explorer satellite
shot to Venus.

That satellite, you recall,
started back to Earth, but never got here.

That's the space vehicle which orbited Venus

and then was purposely destroyed by NASA

when scientists discovered it was carrying

a mysterious, high-level radiation with it.

Could that radiation be somehow responsible

for the wholesale murders
we're now suffering?

Newsman Don Quinn in Washington
has posed those questions.

It's obvious.
Our best move is to try to get out of here.

- How are you gonna get over to that pump?
- Look!

You're coming from a meeting regarding
the explosion of the Venus probe.

Is that right?

Yes, yes,
that was the subject of the meeting.

Do you feel there is a connection
between this and the phenomenon...

There's a definite connection.
A definite connection.

In other words, you feel that
the radiation on the Venus probe

is enough to cause these mutations?

- There was a very high degree of radiation.
- Well, just a minute.

I'm not sure that that's certain at all.
I don't think that has been...

It's the only logical explanation
that we have at this time.

In other words,
it is the military's viewpoint that this...

the radiation
is not the cause of the mutation.

I can't speak for the entire military
at this time, gentlemen.

I must disagree
with these gentlemen presently,

until we... until this is irrefutably proved.

Everything is being done that can be done.

We'll have to hurry for our next meeting.

Professor, you feel that there is
a definite connection between...

A definite connection
as far as Dr. Keller and myself...

Doctor, please. I thought
we decided that is not proved yet.

Was it... Was the satellite...
When the satellite was exploded...

It was an unusual amount of radiation,

enough to cause mutation
under certain circumstances.

Could have happened to have a bearing on it.

It does seem to have a bearing on it.

- Will there be a reply for the...
- Later.

- Yes.
- There will be a reply?

- Yes.
- Later this afternoon?

There will be a report this afternoon?

- Perhaps there will be a report later.
- Yes. Yes.

Will you close the window?

We are doing everything possible
to solve the problem.

NEWSCASTER: We're hoping to get
some further explanation of this...

We've heard all we need to know.
We have to try to get out of here.

He said the rescue stations
have doctors and medical supplies.

If we could get Karen there,
we can get help for her.

...is one of the world's foremost authorities

on space science and technology.

BEN:
Willard. I saw a sign that said Willard.

TOM: It's only about 17 miles from here.

You know this area. Are you from around here?

Judy and I are both from around here.

We were on our way up to the lake
to go swimming.

And Judy had a radio,
and we heard the first reports about this.

So we knew the old house was here
and we came in

and found the lady upstairs, dead.

Then these other people came.

We went down into the basement
and put a bar across the door,

and it is pretty strong.

How could we possibly get away from here?

We've got a sick child, two women,

one woman out of her head,

three men, and the place
is surrounded with these things.

Dr. Grimes, your entire staff, I know,

has been working very hard

to find some solution
to these things that are happening.

Do you have any answers at this time?

Yes, we have some answers.

But first let me stress the importance
of seeking medical attention

for anyone who's been injured in any way.

We don't know yet what complications
might result from such injuries.

How bad has your kid been hurt?

Um...

Look, you go down there and tell... Judy?

Yeah, you tell Judy to come up here,
and you stay with the kid, all right?

Destructive action taken
with regard to the Venus probe.

In the cold room at the university,

we had a cadaver.

A cadaver from which all four limbs
had been amputated.

Sometime early this morning,

it opened its eyes
and began to move its trunk.

It was dead,
but it opened its eyes and tried to move.

They want you upstairs. Did she ask for me?

She hasn't said anything.

I don't understand.

Baby? It's Mommy.

I hurt.

I'll come back down
as soon as I find out what they want.

Thank you, Judy.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[COSMIC ENERGY]

Whoa! Where am I?

Holy haunted Jesus!

Who the frick are you?

I'm Dave, man.

Hi Dave, I'm Hellvira.

Whoa.

I must really be trippin'.

DAVE: Am I on a cartoon show?

I wish.

What, you supposed to be

like a ghost or something?

Actually, I don't know.

Last thing I remember was

sitting in a hut in Peru,

taking a hit of ayahuasca.

- Jinkies!

- I've heard of this.

- You, my friend, are astral projecting.

Whoa.

Far out, man.

Careful, Hellvira.

He could be one of those

all-seeing, cosmic devils.

I bet you can watch me

touch myself whenever you want.

[LAUGHS]

You're a weirdo.

I like to be watched.

Hey, can I ask you

something since you're connected

to the hive mind and whatnot?

Sure, man.

Is Jason Voorhees a zombie or a demon?

Zombie!

A demon.

Demon! Like I said! [LAUGHING]

I knew it!

Well, I am a horror fan after all.

In that case, do you want to hang out and

watch horror movies with me?

- Hell yeah!

- Sounds awesome!

And then later you can tell me

about your, uh, voo doo adventures.

Whoa!

[COSMIC ENERGY SURGES]

I'm fading out, man.

Nice to meet you, Hellvira.

COSMIC DAVE: Hey, no way!

COSMIC DAVE: To serve man?

COSMIC DAVE: It's a cook book!

Oh man, back to our feature film.

[MUSIC ENDS]

The bodies should be disposed of at once,

preferably by cremation.

Well, how long after death, then,

does the body become reactivated?

It's only a matter of minutes.

Minutes? Well, that doesn't give people
time to make any arrangements.

No, you're right. It doesn't give them
time to make funeral arrangements.

The bodies must be carried
to the street and... and burned.

They must be burned immediately.

Soak them with gasoline and burn them.

The bereaved will have to forgo
the dubious comforts

that a funeral service will give.

They're just dead flesh, and dangerous.

Judy, I need you to find some bedspreads
or sheets to tear up into small strips, okay?

- Is there a fruit cellar here?
- Yes.

We need some bottles or jars
to make Molotov cocktails

to hold them off while we try to escape.

Hey, there's a big can
of kerosene down there.

- JUDY: I'll see what I can find.
- I'll look for the bottles.

There's a big key ring down there.

There may be a key to the gas pump on it.

I'll check.

We can toss the cocktails
from a window upstairs.

Meantime, a couple of us
can go out and try to get the gas,

then come back for the rest of the people.

But that'll leave a door open someplace.

Yeah, that's right. It better be this door.

It's closer to the truck.

Before we go out, we'll put
some supplies behind the cellar door.

While we're gone,
the rest of you can hole up in there.

I found some fruit jars in the cellar.

And there's a key on here
that's labeled for the gas pump out back.

I'm not really that used to the truck.
I found it abandoned.

I can handle the truck, no sweat.

You're it then. You and I will go.

We'll put whatever lumber we find
behind the cellar door.

You can go upstairs
and toss the cocktails from a window.

Tom, you and I will have
to unboard this door.

After you toss the cocktails,
you hustle back down here and lock this door.

It's no good to board it up
because we'll have to get back in quickly.

After we get the gas
and get back into the house,

then we'll worry
about getting everybody into the truck.

Now, let's move it.

NEWSCASTER: No place to flee for safety,

except for the rescue stations
which have been set up.

Indications are
that before this emergency is over,

we will need many, many more
such rescue stations.

You always have a smile for me.

How can you smile like that all the time?

How many do you have done?

Come on, honey. We gotta move.

- Tom, are you sure about the phone?
- The phone is dead out.

All you get is a recorded message.

If I could only call the folks.
They're going to be so worried about us.

Everything'll be all right.

As soon as we get to Willard, we'll
call them. They might even be there.

I know.

- Tom?
- Hmm.

Are you sure we're doing
the right thing, Tom?

- What, about getting outta here?
- Yeah.

Well, the television said
that's the right thing to do.

We've got to get to a rescue station.

- I don't know.
- Come on, honey.

You're starting to sound like Mr. Cooper now.

But why do you have to go out there?

Look, I know how to handle that truck.
And I can handle the pump.

Ben doesn't know anything about that stuff.

- But we're safe in here.
- For how long, honey?

We're safe now.

But there's gonna be more and more
of those things.

I know. I know all that.

[SIGHS]

Hey. Listen.

Remember when we had the big flood?

Remember how difficult it was for us
to convince you that it was right to leave?

Remember?
Remember we had to go to Willard then?

This isn't a passing thing, honey.

It... It's not like
just a wind passing through.

We've got to do something, and fast.

I just don't want you to go out there,
that's all.

Hey.

Smile, honey.

Where's that big smile for me?

Boy.

You sure are no use at all, are you?

We've got work to do, honey.

And you... you...

We better get her downstairs.

We have to go downstairs now, Barbra.

She's right. You have to go downstairs now.

Just for a little while, until we get back.

Then we can all leave.

Oh, I'd like to leave. Yes.

- Good luck.
- Yeah.

[GROANING, WHEEZING]

- You ready upstairs?
- HARRY: Yeah.

Okay, toss 'em!

[WHIMPERING]

[SHOUTING, GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

Go ahead! Go on!

- I'm going with him.
- Get back in the cellar!

- No!
- It's too late. Too late!

Well, is she coming? Come on.

Get in!

- Come on!
- This key won't work.

Watch it.

Watch the torch!

We've gotta get away from the pump!

Hang on!

Tom! Tom, you guys need
to get out of the truck!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Come on. Let's get outta here.

- Come on, come on!
- My jacket's caught.

[GROANING]

Let me in! Let me in!

Cooper!

Cooper!

[CLATTERING]

I ought to drag you out there
and feed you to those things!

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Ha!

HELLVIRA: Oh, look at those gazongas.

Hey, I wanna see the gazongas too.

HELLVIRA: Penis enlargement pills?

HELLVIRA: 499.99?

HELLVIRA: I can grow my own hog with those.

HELLVIRA: I'm pretty sure that's

how boner pills work.

[GASP]

[upbeat music]

Ow, ow, ow, ow...

Stop bitting me, you monsters!

Oh my goodness!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

- My butt, it needs a

- mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- Lay on your stomach.

- I'll suck the poison out.

- Ah!

- Where is the wound?

- Here?

- Here?

- Here?

- Here?

[HELLVIRA MOANS]

[PANTHER GROWL]

[SLAP]

Ah!

HELLVIRA: Get off me, you monster!

[HELLVIRA SCREAMING]

[JESTER LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Now, back to the movie.

[LOW GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

Isn't it three o'clock yet?

There's supposed to be another broadcast
at three o'clock.

HARRY: Ten minutes.

Oh. Only 10 more minutes?

We don't have very long to wait.

We can leave.

Well, we'd better leave soon.

It's 10 minutes to 3:00.

You know anything about this area at all?
I mean, is Willard the nearest town?

I don't know.

We were...

just trying to get to a motel before dark.

You said those things turned your car over.

You think we can get it back
on its wheels and drive it? Where is it?

Seems like it was pretty far away.

Seems like we ran.

Forget it. It's at least a mile.

Johnny has the keys.

You're going to carry that child a mile?
Through that army of things out there?

I can carry the kid.
What's wrong with her? How'd she get hurt?

- One of those things grabbed her.
- Bit her on the arm.

What's wrong?

Who knows what kind of disease
those things carry?

- Is she conscious?
- Barely.

She can't walk. She's too weak.

- Well, one of us could try to get to the car.
- You gonna turn it over by yourself?

You can't start the car. Johnny has the keys.

You have a car? Where? Where is it?

- You won't be able to start it.
- Yeah. Yeah, I know.

- But where is it?
- [GROANING]

Good Lord.

NEWSCASTER:...being monitored closely by scientists

at all the radiation detection stations.

At this hour, they report the level
of the mysterious radiation

continues to increase steadily.

So long as this situation remains,

government spokesmen warn
that dead bodies will continue

to be transformed
into the flesh-eating ghouls.

All persons who die during this crisis,
from whatever cause,

will come back to life to seek human victims

unless their bodies
are first disposed of by cremation.

Our news cameras have just returned

from covering such a search-and-destroy
operation against the ghouls,

this one conducted
by Sheriff Conan McClelland

in Butler County, Pennsylvania.

So now let's go to that filmed report.

All law enforcement agencies and the military

have been organized to search out
and destroy the marauding ghouls.

The survival command center
at the Pentagon has disclosed

that a ghoul can be killed
by a shot in the head

or a heavy blow to the skull.

Officials are quoted as explaining

that since the brain of a ghoul
has been activated by the radiation,

the plan is,
kill the brain and you kill the ghoul.

- Want anything from the supply wagon, Kus?
- Uh, no, we're all right.

Okay.

Hey, Cass,
put that thing all the way in the fire.

- We don't want it getting up again.
- All right. I gotcha.

Chief McClelland, how is everything going?

Ah, things aren't going too bad.
Men are taking it pretty good.

You want to get on the other side
of the road over there.

Chief, do you think we'll be able
to defeat these things?

Well, we killed 19 of them today,
right in this area.

Those last three we caught trying to
claw their way into an abandoned shed.

They must have thought somebody was in there.

There wasn't though.
We heard 'em making all kind of noise.

We came over and beat 'em off,
blasted 'em down.

MAN: Chief, as soon as you're finished,
can I see you here?

Yeah, okay.

Chief, if I were surrounded
by six or eight of these things,

would I stand a chance with them?

Well, there's no problem.
If you had a gun, shoot 'em in the head.

That's a sure way to kill 'em.

If you don't, get yourself a club or a torch.
Beat 'em or burn 'em.

They go up pretty easy.

Well, Chief McClelland,
how long do you think it will take you

until you get the situation under control?

Well, that's pretty hard to say.
We don't know how many of 'em there are.

We know when we find 'em, we can kill 'em.

- Are they slow-moving, Chief?
- Yeah, they're dead.

They're all messed up.

Well, in time, would you say you oughta
be able to wrap this up in 24 hours?

Well, we don't really know.

We know we'll be into it most of the night,
probably into the early morning.

We're working our way toward Willard,

and we'll team up
with the National Guard over there,

and then we'll be able
to give a more definite view.

Thank you very much, Chief McClelland.

This is Bill Cardille, WIC TV 11 news.

Thank you, Bill, for that report.

Official spokesmen declined to speculate
just how long it may take

to kill off all the flesh eaters
so long as the heavy ra...

- Is the fuse box in the cellar?
- I don't know. I...

I... It isn't the fuse.

[PANTING] The power lines are down.

Helen, I have to get that gun.

Haven't you had enough?

Well, two people are dead already
on account of that guy.

- Take a look out that window. Look at...
- [FOOTSTEPS]

[POUNDING ON WALL]

Get over here, man!

Come on!

Go ahead. Go ahead.

You wanna stay up here now?

Helen, get in the cellar.

Get in the cellar now. Move!

[SHOUTS, GROANS]

[WHIMPERING]

[METAL CLANGING]

[GHOULS GROANING]

[GROANS]

[WHIMPERING]

[GASPING]

[WHIMPERING]

No! No!

Karen?

Karen?

Karen.

Poor baby.

Baby. [GASPING]

[WHIMPERING]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES, ECHOING]

[SCREAMING]

[BEEPING]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[POWER OFF]

Shiza!

Sanny Klaus, what are you doing here?

It ain't even Christmas.

Fraulein Hellvira. You have been a very

naughty girl this year.

Oh, you're full of baloney.

Ain't no way. Let me see that.

[MAGICAL BRAAM]

Nein. Give us that back, you vile witch.

SANNY KLAUS: You treacherous dog!

SANNY KLAUS: Give it back!

What the frick? What did

I do that was so naughty?

You no damn well what you did!

Nah uh?

Three months ago at Adam Murphy's

Christmas party, I was passed out, and

you took a pick of my...

schnitzel.

Not ringing any bells.

You showed it to everyone

at the party, including me,

saying I couldn't

pleasure a Ginger-Bread woman.

Honestly, that doesn't

sound like something I'd do.

[NUTCRAKER HOUSE MUSIC]

[RECORD SCRATCH]

Your name is on the naughty list,

but I'm here to

collect your wretched head.

My gremlins will use your head

in the most vile ways you can imagine.

Like what?

[ROBOTIC SOUNDS]

LORD XYCLON 7: Target acquired.
SANNY KLAUS: Nein!

Curse you, Hell-vi-ra.

Nein!

Nice work, X-7.

Auf Wiedersehen, bitches!

[EXPLOSIONS]

Holy guacamole, X-7.

He ninja'd it out of here like a badass.

[BEEPING]

SANNY KLAUS: I'll be back for the Christmas special.

[LAUGHS]

Fuck, that was cool.

Alright, back to our feature film.

Night of the living dead.

No! No!

No! No! No!

No!

No! Get out!

No! No, Johnny!

No!

No, no!

Oh, help me, help me.

Oh!

[GHOULS GROWLING]

[RIFLE COCKS]

[RIFLE COCKS, GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOT]

[GHOULS GROANING, WHEEZING]

[LOUD CLATTERING]

[BIRD CHIRPING]

[CHATTERING]

Hey, Vince, Al, you wanna get about
four or five men and a couple dogs?

There's a house over here behind those trees.

We wanna go check it out.
You still here, Bill?

Yeah, Chief, we're going to stay with it
till we meet up with the National Guard.

- Where'd you get the coffee?
- One of the volunteers.

- You're doing all the work. You take it.
- Thank you.

We should be wrapped up here
about three or four more hours.

We'll probably get into Willard then.

I guess you can go over there
and meet the National Guard.

Nick, you and the rest of these men
wanna come with me?

Bill, I'm gonna check the office,
see what's happening.

All right, Steve.
Tell 'em we're going to stay with it

and everything appears to be under control.

[BARKING]

[BARKING IN DISTANCE]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

[GUNFIRE]

That bitch chewed up my ass all night

long and can't sit down!

They need you down there by the barn.

Okay.

Hope you guys had fun, and I hope we get

to do this again soon.

Some of you guys can follow the wagon down.

And remember, no matter how vile,

I only need a few men to check out the house.

depressed, neurotic, ugly, that you are,

- Somebody had a cookout here, Vince.
- Yeah, sure looks like it, Con.

[SIREN WAILING]

[Screaming]

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[GUNFIRE]

He's a dead one. Get up here!

Nick! Tony! Steve!

You wanna get out in that field
and build me a bonfire.

You, drag that out of here
and throw it on the fire.

- MAN: Nothing down here.
- All right.

Go ahead down and give 'em a hand.
Let's go check out the house.

There's something there. I heard a noise.

All right, Vince. Hit him in the head,
right between the eyes.

Good shot. Okay, he's dead. Let's go get him.

That's another one for the fire.

[VARIOUS VOICES ON POLICE RADIO]

MAN: All right,
send a wagon through directly. Over.

[VARIOUS VOICES ON POLICE RADIO]

- [FOOTSTEPS]
- Keep those dogs back off of those things.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

[HELICOPTER PASSING]

Come ahead with the motorcycle, please.

Let's go!

That's the way!

Hey, Randy, light these torches over here.

Get those people in the back.
Way in the back.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

What a wild show we had tonight, right.

[Sigh]

That bitch chewed up my ass all night

long and I can't sit down.

[LOUD BAT FLAPPING]

Away, you vile trickster.

I hope you guys had fun.

And I hope we get to do this again soon.

And remember, no matter how vile,

depressed, neurotic,

ugly,

fat you are,

you all taste good to me.

Goodnight!

[BAT SCREECHING]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC ENDS]