Original subtitles

I hate that we have to do this here.

BOOK YOUR HIV TEST

So gross.

-When's your appointment? -Nine.

-In five minutes? -Yeah.

We really need to go through the budget.

Yes, absolutely.

Yes, yes.

-Wait, is that Instagram on your computer? -It's practical.

I don't know.

-Has he still not replied? -No.

Not since I asked what him what he meant by, "Thank you. Take care, Amanda."

That guy gives me very bad vibes.

Yeah, but two days ago he was good vibes.

Yeah. Well, I like everyone in the beginning.

-Does this look like herpes? -Yeah.

You're joking.

I'm sure it's just the stress.

-Or HIV. -I'd rather have fucking HIV than herpes.

Can you give me some gold? Please.

-What? -The cold sore medicine.

No way. I barely have any left, get your own. Or just ask Jabba.

But she refuses. Even people with genital herpes can't get it.

Well, that's terrible for them.

-Fuck, maybe I should get tested too. -For what?

For HIV.

You know, I tried on those shoes at the thrift store

when my heels were really dry and cracked.

-Should I call him? -Just forget about it.

Should I get--

-Amanda? -Yes.

Hang on.

-All right. Good luck. -Yep.

DIARY OF A DITCHED GIRL

Do you think it's weird if I go speed dating

when I've just started dating Oscar?

No, absolutely not.

-It's not? -No, it's not.

Just 'cause he wants me to, um…

To butt fuck him.

This Saturday. And I feel like that means he's into me.

-Hang on, he wants you to butt fuck him? -I'm butt fucking Oscar.

-Whoa! -What? Is that weird to you?

No! No, it isn't. No. Okay, so…

-It's the G-spot. It's up there. -Okay, you were being serious.

Okay, that feels a little bit like a commitment.

-Kind of? -That's what I mean. It is a commitment.

So, he might be sad if I go speed dating,

when he's sort of…

like, given his butt to me.

No. 'Cause you're not doing it til Saturday, right?

-Yeah. The butt fucking hasn't happened. -Right.

That's where the line is. After the butt fuck.

Okay! It's after the butt fuck.

-You're okay with us being here? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -Why wouldn't I be?

Just 'cause your bartender works here.

-No. He works at Plan B. -Hi.

Yeah. But he works here too, right?

One beer.

What?! No, he doesn't.

Uh… I could be wrong,

but I thought I saw him here like two weeks ago.

-Like, behind the bar? -Yeah, behind it.

-Shit! Why didn't you say? -He's not here now.

Thanks.

Oh my God! How do I look? Quick, tell me.

You look really nice.

-Is it obvious? -Sort of.

But Amanda, you look really pretty.

You have a hair on your chin.

-Can you be more discreet? -Wait!

-Why do you have a beard? -I've no idea.

-♪ A-ha ♪ -♪ A-ha ♪

-Wow! Incredible. -Okay, Amanda.

Come on, I mean you gotta…

You gotta meet someone tonight.

I just don't think it's possible for us to make a very good impression.

Hey guys, have you done this before?

Never.

For God's sake, why are we doing this? Someone remind me.

-So you guys can meet someone serious. -Right, okay.

Coming from the only girl here who gets daily dick.

-So I know what I'm talking about. -Yeah.

I'm just worried that I'll have nothing to say,

and be like, "Hmm."

In that situation, what do I do?

-I've got a good feeling. -You do?

I've got a feeling we're gonna meet some hot boys tonight.

-Look, stop that! Give it to Adina. -What for?

Are you planning on whipping these guys?

You never know!

-Stop it, you! -Give it to me.

-Good luck smack! -Ooh!

One for you, and another.

-Okay. -Bye. Good luck.

Fuck. Me.

This could be fun.

-Welcome. -Hey!

Hey. What are your names?

-I'm Jabba. Lilleman, Ronja and Amanda. -Ronja.

-We're here to… -Yeah, we're on the clipboard.

Yep, you're here.

Um… Right. If you'd like to come through.

-Um… -Oh! Aren't we…?

-No. This way. -No?

-Okay. -Huh?

In here is the area for our straight daters.

Right…

Good luck, ladies. You'll do great.

Holy shit.

My work email is magnus.svensson3@malmostad.se,

because there are three Magnus Svenssons in my department at work.

Gosh.

So, the dog's also allergic to gluten?

Yes. And meat as well, so…

so I decided to get a Basset instead.

Do you know what a Basset is?

Help.

-It's a medium-sized dog breed. -Oh. I see.

-How long you been single? -For 15 years. And you?

Six years.

Six years. Mm, yeah.

Well, uh…

Twelve… years, actually.

So, you've crossed the line too.

Ten years or more, and you're really fucked.

People think you can come back from loneliness, but really you cannot.

Oh, shit. I gotta… Yeah.

We gotta… go.

-Mm. -My name is Jerker.

-Hey. -Hey.

This is… This is Lilleman. You're Jerker.

-Yeah, hi. -Perfect.

I'm Jerker.

-Sorry, girls. -That was total bullshit.

You know,

I think I've actually examined one of them at the clinic.

No way! Which one?

I think it was Jerker, actually.

I can't believe they have our numbers now.

-Wait, what? -They don't, do they?

Why would they have our numbers?

You didn't check any of the boxes, did you?

-You guys didn't? But… -You checked the box. Oh my God.

Amanda, obviously we don't give our number to fucking Dumbledore.

I wanted to be nice. I mean, you could've told me!

-No! -Ugh!

Well, it was nice of you, Amanda.

Okay, who wants an evening milkshake?

-I do! -Yes.

Let's do it.

If we can't eat cock, we'll eat ice cream.

-TAKE CARE. -WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

-Yeah. -Amanda?

Milkshake?

No. Listen, I, um…

-What? -I'm going home.

-Okay. -Bye.

Bye.

Well…

YOU OKAY? I WOULD HAVE CHECKED YES TOO. MEET UP AFTER MILKSHAKE?

Who'd ever believe that?

Yeah. That's like, crazy.

Amanda! Hey.

-Hey. -How are you?

Good. How are you?

-Good. -Mm.

What, uh… I'm glad you're here.

What would you like?

Uh… an ale?

-Ale? -Mm-hmm.

Right. Or you could try a Herring Summer.

-What in the world is that? -A Herring Summer.

-Uh-huh. -It's a drink I myself have invented.

And tonight it's our bestseller.

-Well, I gotta have one. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Let's go.

Listen, you won't be disappointed. It sounds gross, but it's not!

HAHA, I PROBABLY JUST NEED TO SLEEP.

BUT SEE YOU TOMORROW!!

Here.

I've been thinking about you a lot.

But you didn't reply.

Wh…

Uh…

Yeah. I, uh…

Sorry.

-I mean, it's not an issue. -No, I'm really sorry.

I was gonna reply, but I've been super busy and then…

I suck, I'm sorry. I'm best live.

Yeah. Oh, me too. I'm better live.

-Oh, yeah? -Absolutely.

Right.

Well, um…

So how about we do… live?

What?

I'm off at 2:00 a.m.

Sure, I can play Mario Kart till then.

So I'll see you then.

Yeah, sure.

See you later.

-You will. -Yeah.

Hey.

YOU CAN'T SHOW UP LOOKING HOT. I CAN'T WORK.

I'M LYING HERE FEELING…

I'M LYING HERE FEELING… OUTRAGEOUSLY HORNY FOR YOU.

YOU GOT MY IMAGINATION GOING. WHAT THE HELL?

♪ Oh my life Is changing every day ♪

♪ In every possible way ♪

HARD TO HOLD BACK WHEN I'VE BEEN WANTING YOU ALL WEEK.

♪ And oh, my dreams It's never quite as it seems ♪

I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR ME.

CAN'T WAIT FOR 2:00 A.M.

♪ I've felt like this before ♪

♪ But now I'm feeling it even more ♪

♪ Because it came from you ♪

I finally found it. It was in storage.

Um…

THERE'S A PLANT CUTTING HERE WHO'S ALSO WAITING FOR YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU AT? WORKING LATE?

HEY, DON'T WANT TO PESTER YOU, BUT…

I'M GOING TO BED SOON

COULD YOU COME OVER?

THE BARTENDER

CALLING… THE BARTENDER

I'm unplugging the hall lamp.

The yellow lamp.

Unplugging the TV.

I'm unplugging… reading lamp one.

Reading lamp two.

Unplugging the blender.

Unplugging the coffee machine.

The stove is turned off.

Okay.

Fuck. Okay…

Reading lamp, hall lamp, yellow lamp, TV.

Reading lamp, window lamp.

Other reading lamp, other window lamp.

Blender.

Stove is off.

Okay.

Hall lamp, yellow lamp, TV.

-Hey. -Filip, I can't… I can't get out.

-The outlets again? -Uh-huh.

Okay. Let's see.

Uh-huh. Thanks.

-Morning. -Hi.

-How are you? -Fine.

Or, I don't know. That's a difficult question.

Are you feeling better about him?

-Okay. I get it. -Don't say that.

-What? -Don't say that.

-Say what? -That you get it.

You don't know what it's like to be single these days.

Jesus! Even if I had cancer, you'd still say,

"At least you have a boyfriend."

I've been single before, I'm just in a relationship now.

So stop with that shit.

Fixed it!

I spoke to Natalie. Looks like she got us some more work.

I told you money would come in. You just have to trust the cosmos.

So, what about the fire at the Fluff event?

-Was it electrical? -No, they think it was arson.

-They've opened an investigation. -An investigation?

-Yes. -They think it was done on purpose?

-They think so. -That's a fucked up thing to do.

Very fucked up. But hang on, what job?

It's that thing… fillers.

-Fillers. -It's fillers?

Or it might be called Botox.

Look, okay. Fine. Whatever it's called, we're not doing it--

We agreed we wouldn't do stuff like that.

It's demeaning, so we're not working on it.

What did I say?

Fillers are demeaning to women. So, no.

Give me a break, for God's sake!

What's up with your generation? You're so damn PC, you know?

Surely it's a hell of a lot better that we earn money from this

instead of someone else.

-I think being yourself should be enough. -Exactly.

It is super important to be true to yourself.

And Natalie told me that they also have

goodwill projects where they perform stuff like cleft palate surgeries.

So, there you have your alibi, if you need one.

There. Done and dusted.

Mom came through.

I'm still not sure.

I think you need to get Tinder.

-Just stop it, will you? -No, I'm serious. Do it!

The people who use Tinder are brain-dead. It's a no.

Well, at least they get laid.

-It's hopeless. -Why's it hopeless?

Ugh. I mean, there's…

the bartender, you know.

You've gotta move on. He's a fucking douche.

-I'm in love. -What the fuck?

I love him.

Oh, come on, Amanda! You met the guy once.

Yeah, so what? I'm totally…

Adina, I mean, I wanna…

I wanna live with the guy, die with him, and be buried together.

What do you mean, be buried together?

I refuse to believe you can fall in love with someone after one date. Come on.

I feel so fucking betrayed that you didn't say anything.

I get why you didn't tell the other girls,

but to lie to my face about it and go see him…

Like, it's just pretty weird--

-I'm sorry. I know. -We're really late now.

-We're ten minutes late. -We're half an hour late.

Did you bring your sketches so we can show him?

Hello, hello!

-Hey, munchkin! -Hey!

-Awww. -Hey. Aw.

-Gurra! Hello! -Amanda!

-Hello! -I've missed you so much.

-And I've missed you! -Hey.

-Honey. Hey, you look lovely. -Hi, Dad.

-Wow. -Oh, thanks.

-Your suit's nice. -It's so warm.

Did you make it yourself?

-It's a dress. -Yes, but there's a bathing suit under it.

-Oh, it's… Yes. -It's lovely and yellow.

-Hey, Paula. -Hey.

Hey, there.

-Welcome. -Have you eaten already?

Yeah. But don't worry, there's a lot of leftovers.

Take, uh…

Oh, right. Shit. It's not vegetarian, but I guess you can kinda pick around…

-I'm sorry. I tried to tell him. -I'll be fine. I'll eat the salad.

Well, once in a while you have to, you know…

Oh my God, what is that?

-Paula… -Come on, Mom.

-What? -It's herpes.

Right. Wow, this is just so nice.

-It looks fantastic. Really lovely. -Very well done, girls.

You're real pros.

Yeah, incredible. Look here, that's the stage.

Yeah. We've been thinking gold balloons and string lights for the stage.

Yeah, on the printouts you can see the balloons and the string lights.

-You could have birch garlands. -Birch garlands?

Yes. All around the stage, you know?

Oh, and an arch.

-An arch? For what? -Yes. For you.

I mean, I'm flattered.

I think it's important for the stage to look beautiful.

Because, you know, there's gonna be a lot of speeches.

-Ah… -Or maybe not!

-Will you just stop, please? -Hey!

-There will be. -Such a downer.

Oh wait, I was thinking about the sign.

The sixty sign, you know?

Right. Oh, you're right.

Uh… I saw a really cool sign when we were in Elsinore.

Here, look.

Super cool.

Yeah, look at the neon…

But this is made in a factory. You know? Like, it's store-bought.

It might be difficult.

Shall we just buy a factory-made sign? Is that what you want?

What? Nah… Really?

For God's sake, I'm useless at these things.

And you really wanted one of those, didn't you?

I was super… well, excited.

-Yeah. -To have a sign and stuff.

-Oh, well. -Or maybe…

Sorry?

Oh, sure. Yeah, we'll do it. We'll check it out.

No, really?

Oh, girls. That's so kind.

-I knew it! Thank you. -Aw.

-Come on, let's drink to that. -That's so great.

-Cheers. -So, here's to the sign.

Dad, we've heard this song a thousand times now!

That's the thing about these songs. You can listen to them a thousand times.

-No. -No!

Oh no! Oh no!

-Loopin' Louie flies again. -I did it!

Damn, not again!

-Very nice. -That's right.

Amanda saw the bartender yesterday. That Jonte guy.

-Really? -He's a bartender? Ooh!

"He's a bartender."

Oh, shit!

-Hey! No cursing. -Yes!

Is a bartender a good idea to date?

For God's sake!

-Ki…Ki… King of the air! -Woah!

What do you mean?

I just mean bartenders are constantly, you know, getting hit on.

They probably have the pick of the bunch.

-Yes! -Damn.

Perhaps you should find somebody more patient.

Someone who can deal with, you know…

if you show your true colors right at the beginning.

Well, I just mean that you wouldn't want to scare them off.

Yeah!

I'm the best, admit it!

-Do you guys wanna go again? -I wouldn't mind.

I think I'm too tired. Sorry, Gurra.

Are the beds set up?

Didn't you tell them about tomorrow?

My parents?

Right. Yeah, uh…

We've got visitors coming tomorrow.

What? They can't stay over?

No, of course they can. It's just that, you know, well, we're busy tomorrow.

Because they're gonna get here early.

I've already made the beds for them.

So…

-We'll stay next time. Deal? -God, yeah. It's fine.

-We'll just go. -It's been so nice to see you. Really.

"The liver breaks down around two centiliters of alcohol per hour."

-Please, will you drive? Say yes, say yes! -I don't want to.

Rock, paper, scissors?

Do you think Dad would visit us on death row?

What?

It's like since they moved away and our zip codes changed,

he doesn't care.

If we were gonna be executed, I think that… I guess…

the odds of him visiting are fifty-fifty.

Also, did you see they moved that photo of us?

Mm.

So, forty-sixty.

Did we drink too much wine?

Well, I mean, if you just focus on the road in front of you and--

-Obviously, I'm already doing that. -Why are you getting so worked up then?

-I'm not worked up at all. -Just accept you're behind the wheel.

And go slow.

Can you keep looking?

Amanda, I am looking!

-No, you gotta look all around us. -There's no one behind us!

-I'm so stressed right now. -Stop stressing!

-Hey. -Hey.

I need a breathalyzer for a friend, for later.

Sorry. Try the Clas Ohlson store?

-I did. They're closed. -Maybe Autozone?

But I need it now. Can't you go check? Like…

-Please? -Sorry.

You can borrow mine if you want.

Sorry?

I've got a breathalyzer in my car.

Huh.

That's nice, but, um…

I'm okay. Thank you.

-I'm good. -Okay.

Are you sure? It's fine by me if you wanna…

-I'd love to, but I can't. -Why?

'Cause I've got oral herpes. Look. It's a cold sore.

Ah.

It's not sexual. It's hereditary. I got it from Adina.

-Okay. -It's active which means it's contagious.

It's… Yeah… Okay. So we'd better not share it.

-We'd better not. -Okay.

-Yeah. -But…

…like it made him feel sick.

He said I couldn't blow in his thingamajig.

-That's so lame! Because of a cold sore? -I know!

Fucking asshole. You should've sacrificed him.

Fucking Emil Wester.

♪ …be our last goodbye ♪

♪ Carrie ♪

-♪ Carrie ♪ -♪ Carrie ♪

♪ Things can change my friend ♪

-♪ Woah, oh ♪ -♪ Woah, oh ♪

-♪ Carrie, Carrie ♪ -♪ Carrie, Carrie ♪

♪ Maybe we'll meet a… ♪

♪ …again ♪

Hey, you.

Come on, give me your phone now.

I'm downloading Tinder right now.

I really don't want it.

Yes! Come on.

You know, it's been ten years.

I'm screwed.

Do you want me to come with you to drop the van off?

No, you're good.

Are you really sure? You don't mind?

No, wait!

Did you survive?

Barely, Filip.

Why don't you stay over?

No. Thanks, though.

-You sure? -Mm.

Okay. Drive carefully.

-Call me when you get home. -Mm-hmm.

Ciao!

Stop it!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Oh, shit! Fuck! What the hell, Dad?

Hey.

Oh, fuck.

I'll get Tinder if this goes well.

I'll get Tinder if this goes well. I'll get Tinder.

-Good evening. -Hey.

Your license and vehicle documents, please.

-Okay. -Here. Please, blow in this.

BASED ON THE NOVEL BY AMANDA ROMARE