Original subtitles

I'm going down south, I'm going to have myself time.

Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation.

Going down south, I'm going to leave my woes behind.

And my parking's dead on end, people shouting, how did that happen?

And on up south, I'm going to see if I can unwind.

Come on down south, I'm going to meet friends, man.

buy any cards, Stan. I can't spend any money. I'm saving up for that bike I

want. Saving money, duh.

So what should we do now? It's Saturday. We have to have as much fun as

possible. Hey, I know. Let's go play laser tag at Funplex.

No,

I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just do something fun that's

free.

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at

least eight dollars.

Yeah, dude. Nothing fun is free.

Well, I can't spend any money.

Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag. Yeah, see ya.

Oh, would you like to take a personality test?

It's fun and it's free.

Excuse me? We're doing free personality tests today.

What do I have to do?

Have you heard of Scientology? It's all based on the book Dianetics. A lot of

really cool people are Scientologists, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Why

don't you come on in and we'll get your fun, free personality test started.

Let's just find an empty room here. Lots of people getting free tests today.

Hey, Brian.

Hey, Kelly. How's it going?

Great, I want you to meet my new friend Stan.

Hey there, how are you?

Fine. Brian's going to give you your personality test and then let you know

things about Scientology.

Good times, good times.

Look, is this a religion? Because my family is like Catholic or something.

Oh, that's not a problem at all.

Scientology is more of an alternative to psychology than a religion.

Then how come that sign says Church of Scientology?

Oh, that's just his thing. What's the Denver Broncos record now, 6 -2?

Seven and two. Wow, that's great.

All right, come on in and take a seat. We're going to have some fun.

All right, now I'm just going to ask you a few questions. Just answer these

questions as truthfully as you can, all right? Okay.

Number one, do you ever make remarks which you later regret?

Uh, sure.

Uh -huh.

Would you rather give orders than take them?

Yeah.

Do you ever whistle?

Just for the fun of it.

Okay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?

Yes.

Okay, Stan, well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test.

So how'd I do?

Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but you are one messed up kid.

Huh? Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally

Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for

Scientology. I think it can really make you happy again.

What do I do? It's very simple.

We just need $240.

Stanley, you haven't touched your food. What's the matter with you?

I'm totally depressed.

What? Why? I don't know. Well, how long have you been feeling this way?

I'm not sure, but I need $240.

$240? What'd you do, break something?

No, I found a self -help program that can cure me.

Oh, Jesus. The answer is no, Stanley.

But I'm completely miserable and these people can help.

Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable.

Neither did I!

Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all? Money doesn't grow on

you know. Don't you care that I'm depressed?

What if I become suicidal or become an alcoholic like Grandpa?

Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan, why don't you take what

have out of your bicycle savings?

Well, but that's my money.

Yeah, well, just like the rest of us, you have to make choices with your

You want a bike, or do you want to not be depressed?

Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing.

Oh, good for you. You're going to be so happy. I hope so.

It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan.

See you afterwards.

Great. So, do you have the $240?

Perfect. We're on our way.

Come on over here, and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works.

You see, Stan, Scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.

Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things

called body thetans.

Really? Yes, and being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to

rid of those bad thetans. This is called an e -meter.

It's the main tool of Scientology.

You just grab hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in

your life.

I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your Thetan levels.

Thetan levels.

Come on in the auditing room, and I'll show you how it works.

All these people are just like you, Stan, auditing with e -meters to get rid

their negative emotions.

All right, Stan, I want you to just relax and take hold of the e -meter

So this is going to make me happy?

Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your Thetan

level.

Huh, that's strange.

What?

Something's wrong.

Brian, could you come over here a second?

Yeah, oh, hey there, Greg.

Dan, will you look at his Thetan level?

Huh, well, we'll get another e -meter. This one's obviously broken. Sorry about

this, Greg.

And so we just try to analyze your personality.

And if it seems like you need some help, then you can have audit counseling for

a nominal fee.

Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, okay.

Mike, I need to talk to you. Excuse me, sir. I'll be right back.

Are you all right? You're sweating.

Take a look at this. What is it? The e -meter results from the little boy in

room D.

This can't be right.

We ran the test four times.

We used four different e -meters.

Back these results to the head office in Los Angeles. The president has to see

this right away.

Go, now!

The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir.

Sir, how can it be that a first -timer scores that kind of feeding level?

He registered OT -9.

I'm only OT -7, and I've been in the church all my life.

I've waited 42 years for this day.

Sir? Don't you all see what this means?

There is only one person who ever registered OT9 in the history of our

L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives, that when he died his seat would

show itself again.

Our prophet has returned.

Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed. I took out the garbage

yesterday. Right now, Stan.

Stupid dump garbage.

There he is!

Thank you for returning.

He's wonderful.

He's wonderful.

Stan! What the hell did you do?

I...

Hello, young man.

I'm the head of Scientology.

It is a great honor to meet you.

All right, what the hell is going on here?

We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.

He is the reincarnation of our church's most sacred prophet.

What?

Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing in his second coming.

Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?

We're not asking him to join us.

We're asking him to lead us.

Oh, my God, it's John Travolta!

Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is? Oh, my God!

Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists. Do you believe me

Young man, I know you don't remember it, but your name was L. Ron Hubbard.

You revealed a secret which began the whole Church of Scientology.

Okay, Stan, it's late.

Go up to your room and get ready for bed.

Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.

Jesus Christ.

Elrond?

Elrond!

It really is you.

Oh, this is the greatest day of my life.

Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.

Don't you understand, Elrond? It's me, Tom Cruise.

Yeah, I know who you are.

Well, haven't I done well, Elrond? Haven't you enjoyed my acting? Which

you like best?

Well, I mean, you're not...

You're not like as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess.

What? I mean, you're not Gene Hackman or that guy that played Napoleon Dynamite,

but you're okay.

I'm nothing.

I'm a failure in the eyes of the prophet!

He won't come out.

Mr. Cruz?

Mr. Cruz, come out of the closet.

No.

Come on, Mr. Cruz. This is ridiculous.

I'm never coming out.

What did you say to him? I just told him I thought Napoleon Dynamite guy was a

better actor than he is. Oh, boy.

Mr. Cruz, you can't just stay in the closet, all right? You need to come out.

What's going on?

Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.

What? Just leave me.

Well, we can't leave you alone because you won't come out of the closet.

It's been four hours now and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet.

Hundreds of onlookers have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will

finally give in.

Tom Cruise, this is Park County Police.

Please come out of the closet.

Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom.

Nobody's going to be mad.

Everything's going to be all right. Just come out of the closet.

We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being

joined now by famous singer -songwriter R. Kelly.

Well, I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet.

And I asked myself, why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?

But nobody has no answers.

And so I pull out my gun.

Tell me why Tom Cruise is in the closet, or else I'm going to shoot someone.

Please, understand, we just want what is best for your son. The reincarnation of

L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies.

Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science fiction writer?

Yes, but he was also a prophet who knew the secret truth about the nature of

life.

This is just too much. We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind

our church, the safely guarded Scientology Doctrine.

Please.

Your son deserves to be enlightened.

Stan, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind

Sure. All right, go ahead and tell him.

Would you excuse us, please? This is highly classified church information.

Aw, rats.

Usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several

years, Stan.

Are you ready to hear the truth?

I... I guess.

You see, Stan, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed.

An alien reason.

It all began 75 million years ago.

Back then, there was the Galactic Federation of Planets, which was ruled

the evil Lord Zinu.

Zinu thought his galaxy was overpopulated, and so he rounded up

from all different planets, and then had those aliens frozen.

The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked

like DC -8s, except with rocket engines.

The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, Earth, and dumped

them into the volcanoes of Hawaii.

The aliens were no longer frozen. They were dead. The souls of those aliens,

however, lived on and all floated up towards the sky.

But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Xenu didn't want their souls to return, and so he built

giant soul catchers in the sky.

The souls were taken to a huge soul brainwashing facility, which Xenu had

built on Earth.

There, the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material, which

tricked them into believing a false reality.

Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the Earth aimlessly in a

confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they could

grab onto.

They attach themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our

fears, our confusions, and our problems.

L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth.

Now all we're asking you to do is pick up where he left off.

But I don't know any of this stuff.

Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes and wrote

down whatever came to mind. You can do the same.

Just let it flow.

Okay, I'll try.

I just wish I could write my room, but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.

I know. We've sent Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help.

Tom?

Tom, it's Nicole.

Hi, Nicole.

Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough?

It's time for you to come out of the closet.

I'm not in the closet.

Yes, you are, Tom.

And you need to just end this and come out.

not going to think any differently of you.

Katie's not going to think any differently of you. You don't need to be

closet anymore, Tom.

I'm not in here, though.

Yes, you are.

I'm not... I'm not in the closet.

Then how am I talking to you, Tom?

Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard

doesn't like your acting.

Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.

But I'm not... I'm not in here.

I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.

Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned about this cult you're getting

Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle. I've read all this stuff and it's based

fact. Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science fiction writer.

He lived on a boat with only young boys and got busted by the feds numerous

times. I did not. Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid because

don't know the secret truth.

What secret truth?

I can't tell you unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling. All I

is that I was depressed before and now I found meaning.

I didn't know you were depressed.

Neither did I. But now, if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong

then I suppose we're no longer friends.

Stan, I just want you to know that I still hate Kyle more than you.

Tom! Hey, Tom, it's John Travolta.

Oh, hey, John.

Tom, you gotta come out of the closet. Oh, my God.

L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.

Maybe you took what he said out of context.

Okay, it's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you?

Well, okay, but no tricks.

No tricks.

Hey, it's really nice in here.

Yeah, see?

I feel really safe. Oh, my God.

Hello?

Tom, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet, and he refuses to

come out. Here with more details once again is R. Kelly.

I was just standing here.

Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet.

Then John Travolta came out. John Travolta in the closet, too.

Please, Tom Cruise and John Travolta, come out of the closet.

But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun.

If Tom Cruise and John Devota don't come out of the closet, I'm going to cap

this bitch.

Yes. Yes. Oh, this is great, Stan.

I wrote that our followers shouldn't fly in DC -8s anymore because they're too

much like Zeno's evil cruisers.

Yes, of course.

So wonderful.

And I wrote that the evil Lord Zeno has recently broken out of galactic jail.

Yes, of course.

And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists should no longer have to

pay money to belong.

What? I realize that to really be a church, we can't charge people for help.

What are you, stupid? Then how do we make money from those people?

Well, it's not about the money. It's about the message, right?

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa. You don't actually believe this crap, do you?

Dummy!

Brainwashed alien souls?

E -meters and thetan levels?

Those people out there buy that crap, but I thought you were smart enough to

what was really going on.

But you said that there was... What's better than telling people a stupid

and having them believe you?

Having them pay you for it, stupid!

But then why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly?

Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard,

then they'll all buy your new writings and you and I together will make three

million dollars!

Three million dollars?

That's how a scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale!

Do you fucking get me now?

Yeah. Yeah, I get you.

Then keep riding, Elrond. Your people are waiting.

Breaking news here in South Park. Tom Cruise and John Travolta still will not

come out of the closet.

Park County police have decided to try a new method.

I've been asked to come up here, get you both out of the closet.

Man, this is some crazy shit.

Why won't you both just come out of the closet? And they said...

We're not coming out the closet, so you can just go away.

But everyone wants you out the closet.

That doesn't matter because we're going to stay.

Now I'm starting to get angry, so I pull out my gun.

I'm going to give you a count of three to open this closet door. One, I'm going

to shoot you both. Two, I'm going to cap some bitch free.

Now I'm in the closet, now I'm in the closet too.

My fellow Scientologists, our prophet has finished his new doctrine and will

read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee.

I give you the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.

that brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Nubunon.

Oh!

Nubunon. And, uh... Oh.

I... I can't do this.

What? Look, everybody, we're all looking for answers, you know?

We all want to understand who we are and where we come from, but sometimes we

want to know the answers so badly that we... believe just about anything.

Huh? What?

I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.

And Scientology is just a big, fat global scam.

Oh, we are gonna sue you!

What? Yeah, you think you can say our religion is a lie?

We'll sue you, buddy!

You told me it was a lie!

Oh, now you're putting words in my mouth! You are so sued!

You can't make fun of Scientology, kid. We are gonna sue your ass and your

balls! Yeah, right!

How dare you mock our faith, you little punk!

You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!

We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch. Tom Cruise, John Travolta,

and R. Kelly have all come out of the closet!

So you're not the prophet, huh? You made me look stupid. I'm gonna sue you, too!

Well, fine! Go ahead and sue me! I will! I'll sue you in England!

You are so sued, kid!

Well, go on, then! Sue me!

We're going to.

Okay, good.

Do it. I'm not scared of you. Sue me.