All language subtitles for South Park (1997) S7 E12

Going down south, I'm going to have my
first time.

Going down south, I'm going to leave my
woes behind.

And on the south, I'm going to see if I
can unwind.

Okay,

children,

let's take our seats.

We have a new student joining us today
who has just moved here from Utah.

I want you all to say hi to Gary.

Hello, everybody.

It's really great to meet you all.

Gary was state champion in wrestling and
in tennis.

He also maintained a 4 .0 grade point
average at his old school and has been

two national commercials for toothpaste.

I'm really excited to live in this town
and share all kinds of great experiences

with you, my new friends.

Oh, dude, what a little asshole. Yeah,
screw that kid.

All right, Gary, why don't you take that
empty seat and we'll get started with

the lesson.

Hey, my name's Gary.

Hi, my name's Yura.

Yura, fag.

That's funny. You're cool, man.

Okay, now who can tell me what year the
first astronauts landed on the moon?

Oh, oh, oh, 1969.

Very good, Gary.

Wow, looks like I don't have a class
full of retards anymore, doesn't it,

children?

Dude, that new kid is such a douche.

Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his
place.

He's a pecker face, that's what he is.

Go kick his ass, Stan.

Yeah, go kick his ass.

Well, maybe he won't fight.

Will he bleed? That's all we care about.

Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe
that fucking smirk off his face.

Yeah, little bitch.

All right, I'm gonna go kick his ass.
Yeah, go Stan, go Stan!

All right, I got five bucks on the other
kid. Who wants it?

Oh, hey there. You want to kick the ball
around with me?

No, I'm going to kick your ass.

Excuse me?

I'm going to kick your ass, bitch.

How come you want to fight me?

Oh, I get it.

I'm the new kid.

Yeah, I guess maybe I deserve it.

Huh? It's really tough being in a
totally new place, but I think all you

are really cool, so I understand if
there's initiation rights.

Dude, stop it.

Let him have it, Stan. Shut up, Butters.

The other kids are watching.

Look, do what you gotta do. I won't
fight back.

I just hope that maybe afterwards we can
try to be friends someday.

What are they doing?

They're just standing there talking.

What happened?

I'm going over to his house for dinner
tonight.

What? How did that happen?

He's a really nice kid.

You were supposed to kick his ass, not
lick his butthole.

You're having dinner with his family?

What kind of family has a kid like that?

Okay, my turn.

Ooh, five.

One, two, three, four, five. Oh, lost
your mortgage. Pay $10 ,000.

Oh, no.

Hey, it's Gary.

Gary. Great to see you. How are you?

Hey, everybody, this is my new friend
Stan.

Stan, this is my mom and dad.

Hi, Stan.

It's so nice to meet you.

And this is my brother Mark. Hi.

My sister Jenny. Hey. My little brother
Dave. Hi.

And my baby sister, Amanda.

Hello, Stan.

Well, it's great you could join us for
family home evening, Stan.

What's that?

That's when we don't allow any TV and
just entertain each other with music and

stories. Doesn't your family ever do
that?

No. Hey, kids, why don't you grab your
instruments and play a song for Stan?

All right. Let's do it.

Hey, yeah, yeah, I love my family.

My family is the best.

If you ever have to...

Oh, boy, who is the best mom in the
world? All right, go, Dave.

We'll be your guides now, your gambles,
your songs.

That's a great story, Sarah.

All right, kids, now how about we do
some scripture readings from the Book of

Mormon? All right.

Book of Mormon? What's that?

You know, the book that Joseph Smith
found. Who's Joseph Smith?

Only the most important person in the
world. You never heard of him? No.

Tell us the story of Joseph Smith again,
Dad.

Yeah, Dad.

All right, you rascals. Gather round.

Joseph Smith lived in a little American
town in the early 1800s.

Joseph Smith was called a prophet.

He started the Mormon religion.

Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

There goes that kooky Joseph Smith. You
know, he claims he spoke with God and

Jesus. Well, how do you know he didn't?
Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

Joseph Smith was called a prophet. Hey,
Joseph, I told my wife that you spoke

with God and Jesus, and she didn't
believe it. Well, it's true. I did.

I was out in the woods, praying.

I was asking God.

If I should be a Protestant, or a
Catholic, or what? And suddenly, God and

appeared before me. And they said I
should start my own church. Because none

the others had it right.

And that's exactly how it happened.

You see? You believe it now?

Well, yeah, sure. Why would he make that
up?

Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

Many people believe Joseph. Dum -dum
-dum -dum -dum.

And that night he saw an angel. Dum -dum
-dum -dum -dum.

And please, Mother and Father, and
please keep our bellies full of yum

luscious goodies.

Hi!

Oh, my gosh!

I am Moroni. I am a Native American.

A Native American?

But your skin is white.

Yes. Long ago, all Native Americans were
white. We all came to America from

Jerusalem. And while we were here, we
were visited by Christ.

Jesus lived here in America?

Yes, eventually my people were all
killed by the other tribe of Israel. And

punishment, God turned their skin red.
These are the Native Americans you know

today.

There is an ancient book buried near
here, written on gold plates that

my people's lives.

Also buried with the book are two seer
stones, the Urim and the Mim, which will

allow you to translate the writings.

Find it and fulfill your destiny.

Wow. Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

Joseph Smith was all the profit. Dum
-dum -dum -dum -dum.

And we all know what happened then,
don't we?

Yeah, I know. What happened then?

Ooh, the Rice Krispie Squares are done.

Rice Krispie Squares!

Hey,

gang, let's wrap some more of them up in
plastic wrap and hand them out to the

poor. I can't wait.

You coming, Stan?

No, I was supposed to be home at 8. Aw.

Well, it was really nice meeting you,
Stan.

Bye, Stan.

It was great to meet you. Bye.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Stan.

Hey, Dad, how come you never told me
about Joseph Smith?

Who? Chuck, turn! We're watching
Friends!

The guy who spoke to God and Jesus.

Well, Stan, God and Jesus don't actually
speak to people.

That's not what the Harrisons said.

Who are the Harrisons?

The new people that moved in down the
street. Mr. Harrison said that Joseph

Smith spoke to God and Jesus, and they
told him none of the religions were

right. Oh, did he now?

What are they, religious kooks? They're
not kooks. They're cool. I mean, how

come we never have a night where we
don't watch any TV and we just do stuff

together and eat and drink? We have
that, Stan. It's called Friday Night

But that's just you and your friends.

Shut up, turd!

Mr. Harrison said that I need to be
following Heavenly Father's plan, and I

don't even know what that is.

All right, that does it. Where are you
going? I'm going to go have a talk with

this Mr. Harrison.

If he thinks he can fill my son's head
with wacko religious crap, he's wrong.

Randy, don't cause trouble.

Let me handle this, Sharon. You got to
put these cult people in their place or

else they never stop.

I'm going to go kick this Mr.

Harrison's ass.

Mr. Harrison is a white guy, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to kick his ass.

Goddamn religious kooks. Tell my son
what to believe, will you? We'll see how

you like my fist in your ass.

Hello!

Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison?

I sure am. The name's Gary.

Well, look, my kid was just over at your
house and he, uh... Oh, you're Stan's

dad! It's so nice to finally meet you!
Darren!

Mr. Marsh is here! Uh, look, I just want
to tell you that... Oh, Mr.

Marsh, what a treat! It's so nice to
meet you!

Well... Thanks.

Karen just finished baking the most
amazing Rice Krispie Squares. With

frosting. Come on out of the cold. You
gotta try one. Or six.

I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to
have you over. I hear you're a

geologist. That is so amazing.

Look, I actually came over because I'm a
little concerned about some of the

things you told my son.

Uh -huh.

You know, about God and stuff.

Oh.

Oh, boy, you think we were trying to
convert him.

Well, I... Oh, Mr. Marsh, I am so sorry.

We just moved here from Utah, and we're
so used to everyone being Mormon that

we... Oh, we forget not everyone wants
to hear about it. Oh, boy, you must be

furious. Well, no.

No, I just... You just heard your son
talking about religious ideals that

your own, and you said, who the heck do
these people think they are?

I'm really, truly sorry, Mr. Marsh. It
won't happen again.

You can call me Randy.

Randy, the last thing we want is for
people to think we're pushing our

We know there are a lot of beliefs out
there, and ours just works for us. To

each his own, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. You know, to be honest, I've never
known any Mormons. I don't even know

what you people believe.

Who was this Joseph Smith guy?

Why did he believe that Native Americans
were actually white people from

Jerusalem? Well, because he found
ancient books they had written on gold

right where the angel Moroni said they
would be.

it, everybody.

I found them. Found what?

Another New Testament of Jesus Christ.

Last night, a Native American angel told
me where I could find another Testament

of Jesus Christ, so I went out to the
woods.

I dug around all morning where the angel
had told me to look.

Hmm. Maybe there isn't anything out
here.

Wait a tick. What's this?

Wow.

Inside the stone.

I found the magical seer stones.

Under that, I found four gold plates
written in strange writing.

This must be the talks that Jesus told
the Nephites.

Well, they were the most amazing things
I had ever gazed upon.

Wolf, so where are they?

Where are what?

The gold plates and the seer stones.
Where are they?

Oh. Oh, well, I was not allowed to take
them. You see, after I found the plates,

the angel Moroni appeared to me again
and said that I am not allowed to show

plates or the seer stones to anybody.

Because first I must translate what's
written on the plates into English, so

can all read it.

Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

Wow! That's amazing!

He found the stones and golden plates.
Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

Even though nobody else ever saw them.
Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum.

So, how'd it go, Clubber Lang?

You kicked Mr. Harrison's ass?

Not exactly.

We're having their family over for
dinner tomorrow night.

See? That's what happened to me.

Sharon, did you know this guy Joseph
Smith found a New Testament to the Bible

buried here in America?

What are you talking about?

Well, it's just that the Harrison's are
really nice people, and you should see

how loving and together their family is.
I think there's something to that

religion. That's what they made me
think, too.

All right, that does it. From now on,
our family is Mormon.

Hey, Stan, how was your date last night
with the new kid?

Shut up, dude. They're a nice family,
and Gary is actually really smart and

talented.

Uh, you guys, I think Stan's in love.

Yeah, did you make out with him, too?
What's the big deal? Can't I have other

friends? You guys should give Gary a
chance.

Hey, Stan. Oh, here's Stan's little
girlfriend now.

Hey, guys.

Stan, I remember you said last night
that you'd lost your wallet, so I made

a new one.

I carved a picture of John Elway into
the leather on the front.

Wow, you made this?

Oh, look at them. Aren't they so cute
together?

Hey, my family's on their way over to
the fire station to donate blood.

You want to come along?

I don't think so, Gary. I have to, uh...
Oh, here comes my family now!

Hey, guys!

Look,

we painted our faces!

I'm a lion!

I'm an alien!

Hey, just what the heck am I supposed to
be?

My God.

You gonna come with us to the fire
station, Stan?

Uh, no, I've got a lot to do.

Well... Gary, you want to just hang out
with your friend Stan?

Oh, well, I'd like to, but... Oh, man, I
would miss you guys so much.

We'd miss you too, Gary.

Oh, we'll all see each other tonight
when we go to Stan's house for dinner.

and play with your friends, Gary.

Yeah, have a good time, boys.

Let's go.

Our faces are painted.

Wow.

So what do you guys want to do?

Uh, that's cool. We're going to leave
you two lovebirds alone.

The three of us have to go put in some
volunteer work at the homeless shelter.

Oh, cool. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

Jesus Christ.

So, hey, I heard your dad came over last
night and he and my dad talked about

Joseph Smith. That's great.

Yeah, I had a question about that Joseph
Smith guy.

Sure. What happened after he found the
golden plates buried in the ground?

Well, he kept them hidden from everyone
like he was told. And then he translated

what was written on the plates into the
Book of Mormon.

Yeah, but how?

Dum -dum -dum -dum -dum. What's this all
about, Mr. Smith?

Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?

Well, sure I can.

I have in my possession an ancient book
written on gold plates that tells of

Jesus Christ's second coming here in
America.

In America? Really?

That sounds kind of... Dum -dum -dum
-dum -dum.

It's true. And I'm going to translate
the plates and publish it into a book

the whole world to read.

I know you have a lot of money, Mr.
Herod, and I'm just going to need a

bit to pay for the publishing cost.

I don't know. How do you expect to
translate it?

With thee.

Rocks? They're not rocks. They're seer
stones, given to me by an angel. With

them, God allows me to translate the
plates into English. Flash, you take

quill and paper and write down what I
say. Sit here. I have the golden plates

here in this hat. I need to have them
somewhere dark so I can read this

spiritual light.

Really? Now, when I put the seer stones
into the hat, the ancient letters light

up and change to English, which I can
then read to you.

Wow.

Oh, I'm seeing the light.

Oh, okay. Write this down.

And so it was that Christ appeared
before

the Nephites.

That's how the Book of Mormon was
written. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

One, two, three, four. Pay $1 ,000
property tag.

Isn't this great, you guys? Our first
family home evening.

I want to watch TV.

We're not watching TV. We're Mormons
now, and we're having family home

Dad, did you know that that Joseph Smith
guy read the Book of Mormon out of a

hat? And? Your turn, Sharon. It's just
that the Book of Mormon says a lot of

strange stuff, like that Adam and Eve
lived in Jackson County, Missouri.

Yes. But school taught me that the first
man and woman lived in Africa.

Well, you can't believe everything
school tells you, Stan.

Your turn, Shelly.

Ooh, that must be the Harrisons.

Hey, everybody!

Wow, what a great house!

You must be Mrs. Marsh. It's so nice to
meet you.

And you must be Stan Smith.

My brother is a stupid turd.

Hey, Stan.

Hey, Gary.

Well, come on in and sit down,
everybody. You're here just in time. My

having a little problem with our new
religion.

Dad. Oh, really?

Well, that's just because he hasn't
heard the best part about the Joseph

story. The one that proves he was for
real.

Yeah! Ooh, what's that?

Well, you remember Martin Harris, the
rich man who wrote down what Joseph

read out of the hat?

Yeah. See, after he was done, he took
some of the pages of what would become

Book of Mormon home.

Martin went home to his wife, dum -dum
-dum -dum -dum, and showed her pages

the Book of Mormon, dum -dum -dum -dum
-dum.

And so Joseph Smith put his head into a
hat and read to me what the golden plate

said. I wrote it all down, and we're
going to publish it into a book.

Martin, how do you know he isn't just
making stuff up and pretending he's

translating off golden plates?

Lucy Harris, smirk, smirk, smirk, smirk,
smirk, smirk, smirk, smirk.

Why would he make it up?

Martin Harris, dum -da -dum. All right,
here.

I'm going to hide these pages. If Joseph
Smith really is translating off of

Golden Plates, then he'll be able to do
it again.

But if Joseph Smith is making it all up,
then the new translations will be

different from these.

Okay, fine.

I bet he'll have no problem.

Lucy Harris, smirk, smirk, smirk, Martin
Harris, dum -da -dum. So Martin went on

back to Smith, said the pages had gone
away.

Smith got mad and told Martin he needed
to go pray.

Look,

I'm sorry about losing the pages we
worked on, Joe, but I'm ready to write

all down again if you translate from the
plates. I would love to, Martin, except

I just got a vision, and the Lord said
he is very angry with me for letting you

take those pages.

He is?

Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

Yes, he is so mad that he will never let
me translate from the plate of Lehi

again. He said we must now translate
from the plate of Nephi. So it will be

same basic story, but written a little
differently.

Wow.

God got angry with you, then you must be
telling the truth.

Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

All right, Martin, let's get to work.

And that's how it happened.

actually know this story and they still
believe Joseph Smith was a prophet?

Well, sure. The story proves it, doesn't
it?

No, it proves he did make it all up. Are
you blind?

Well, Stan, it's all a matter of faith.

No, it's a matter of logic. If you're
going to say things that have been

wrong, like that the first man and woman
lived in Missouri and that Native

Americans came from Jerusalem, then you
better have something to back it up. All

you've got are a bunch of stories about
some asswipe who read plates nobody ever

saw out of a hat and then couldn't do it
again when the translations were

hidden. Hey, Stan, don't denounce our
religion.

I don't want to be Mormon, Dad.

Me neither.

Hey, that's totally cool, guys. You can
believe whatever you want.

Yeah, it's great you have your own
beliefs.

Yeah. Oh,

stop it.

That's another thing. Why do you have to
be so freaking nice all the time? It

isn't normal.

You just weasel people into your way of
thinking by acting like the happiest

family in the world and being so nice to
everyone that you just blindside dumb

people like my dad.

Yeah.

Well, kids, who's up for a water balloon
fight?

Yeah!

Oh,

hey,

Stan. Where's your best buddy, Gary?

I'm not hanging around that kid anymore.

Oh, no, you guys broke up?

You guys were right, okay? The new kid's
a douche. Now I just got to find a way

to keep him away from me.

Hey, Stan.

Oh, brother.

Uh -oh, the jilted lover returns.

Listen, I just wanted to let you know
you don't have to worry about me trying

be your friend anymore.

I don't? Look.

Maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy
stories that make absolutely no sense.

maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up.
But I have a great life and a great

family. And I have the Book of Mormon to
thank for that. The truth is, I don't

care if Joseph Smith made it all up.
Because what the church teaches now is

loving your family, being nice, and
helping people.

And even though people in this town
might think that's stupid, I still

believe in it.

All I ever did was try to be your
friend, Stan. But you're so high and

you couldn't look past my religion and
just be my friend back.

You got a lot of growing up to do,
buddy.

Suck my balls.

That kid is cool, huh?