Original subtitles

Is that my anchovy pizza? What have you got to say for yourselves?

We could do with some chilli oil.

Whoa!

When did you two become a married couple?

What? We're not a... Married couple.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Because, as I've already mentioned, now my career is skyrocketing.

What's that? Divorce papers. Whenever I want him to sign,

every time he runs away.

This is my publisher.

Hi. Nigel. Nigel.

I love the play on the word "gay."

No, that's a typo of my name.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Guy Harvey and I am the writer of Lessons In Love,

a case study of modern relationships.

Now, you may ask, "What is a modern relationship?"

Well, I wouldn't know

because I've never been able to hold one down.

MUTTERING: That's terrible. That's not going to work.

That's such a terrible speech.

MUTTERING: OK. Hello. Case studies...

Not today, Guy, not today.

Hello? Hey!

How's it going? Hello there. My name is Guy Harvey.

# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling

# I get weak in the knees My poor old head is a-reelin'

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Here I go, falling down, down, down

# My mind is a blank

# My head is spinning around and around

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel... #

Oh, my God, I love car insurance. Thank you. Thank you.

Mm! Mm!

Oi! Oi, excuse me.

Welcome to Guy's book launch. He's not a fascist.

Welcome to Guy's book launch. He's not a fascist.

Welcome to Guy's book launch. He's not a fascist.

Uh, hey. Hey, that is an outfit. Thanks.

I'm in mourning. Mourning? For what?

We need to talk. About your hat? It's lovely.

About what happened.

What? Sorry? What? Oh, Jamma's calling me, so...

Is he? ..I've got to go. Is he? Yeah, I'm coming!

I'm just talking to... He's not looking this way.

So impatient!

What? Did you see that? Hmm? Guy.

I think he's feeling anxious. Oh, my God!

Jamma, are you thinking about someone that isn't yourself?

I guess. Ooh, this is what happens when you deal with your shit.

Yeah, but now I can see all his shit.

Yeah, it's called empathy. I don't like it.

No, it's not very nice, but it's really good. Yeah?

Welcome to adulthood, Jamal.

Huh!

Divorce papers, signed.

I'm not a coward mouse.

Oh.

Well done. You passed the test.

Terms and conditions of our remarriage.

You need to sign.

Oh, no! No, Saif! Saif! Come back, you coward mouse!

You can make it out to Jamma.

Gemma? Yeah, Gemma. Gemma Collins.

QUIETLY: To Gemma.

You OK? You seem nervous. Really? How can you tell?

I'm an empath now. It's just I'm not really good at public speaking

and, um, I've got to introduce a book,

and I don't know what to say and I'm going to have to improvise.

Oh, well, you look damn sexy in a suit.

And that's the main thing. Is it? Oi, I've got your back today, OK?

Nothing's going to go wrong, all right?

Guy? Uh, Guy, something's gone wrong. Oh!

What is he doing here? My job. Oh, how convenient!

You need to see this. Now.

PIPE ORGAN PLAYS

Why does it look like a wedding?

It's been double booked. Oh, what?! You must be the groom.

No, I'm the author. Cold feet are natural.

No, I'm not getting married.

That's what I said on my wedding day!

No, it's not my wedding day. It's OK, Guy.

I'm going to fix this for you. All right, Nigel!

Let's just keep it professional.

I spent �800 on a profiterole tower, a grand on...

I think that's the other booking.

All right, let's just go over to them, talk to them,

find a solution. I think we should just go over

to them and talk to them and find a solution.

Well, that's a good idea. I literally just said that!

Hi. Hi, there. Sorry to interrupt. I think there seems to have been

some kind of misunderstanding. Yes, there is.

My daughter's wedding is littered with all this self-help crap.

I think it looks quite nice.

You two.

They've done this on purpose. Is this your idea of revenge?

Look, there is a misunderstanding. I'm an author.

I don't give a fuck if you're an astronaut.

Sorry. Do you know each other? These two muppets stole my pizza.

You stole his pizza?

That doesn't ring any bells. I've never eaten pizza in my life.

Why did you steal his pizza? Why would you steal a pizza?

OK, listen, we haven't got time for this. No, no, he's right.

We've got press arriving any minute.

A wedding beats a book club. Marriage is a patriarchal construct.

I'm not cancelling my daughter's wedding

for some woke book about emotional men.

Oh, someone's had a browse. Men do not get emotional!

OK. I'll handle this.

Car insurance driving you mad?

The best journeys are worth protecting.

What is she talking about? Yeah, thanks, Farida. Thanks so much.

Thank you.

Why don't we just do both? I've got it.

We'll do both. Oh, that is a great idea.

My idea. The room's booked for two hours.

We'll do an hour each. Wow. I was literally about to say that.

What makes you think I'm going to share?

One of you will get a full refund.

We go first. I get the refund.

Fantastic. Clever man. Yeah, no, wait, I did say it.

Very impressive. Well done, Nigel. Thank you, Nigel.

Hi. Just on the left. Thank you.

Welcome. Bridegroom or author?

Eve Carlisle from the Guardian.

Well, then, welcome to Guy Harvey's interactive

wedding-themed book launch.

Thank you. That's not for you.

That's part of the interactive experience.

How's the intro going? Um, uh, no, it's good, I think.

Um, listen to this. Yeah.

Uh, a life without therapy is like a fish out of water -

"unso-fish-ticated."

What? It's a play on the word "fish," isn't it?

It's like an icebreaker, just to get people on side.

Oh, yeah. Good. Yeah. Great. Uh, what else have you got?

I mean, I've got plenty of other

little fish...little fish bits, but... Maybe skip that.

You think? Skip the fish? Well, yeah. That's fine. Um, well,

I haven't got anything else, so... Oh, fuck! No, no.

Don't panic. Listen, we've got time. What do I do?

I need a speech, Jamma. We'll write it now. We've got time.

Hi. Hi, hi. Let's write it. Erm, the bride's gone missing.

What? No-one knows where she is and the groom is shitting himself.

CONTROLLED BREATHING

It's not a Pilates class. Please give me a break.

We need to start this wedding now. Look, the journalists won't stay

past the hour. The bride has gone missing, Nigel.

Oh, this is unbelievable.

All right, Negative Nigel.

Gosh, he loves a crisis, innit, this one?

Right. I say we all muck in and just find the bride.

I think we should all muck in and find the bride.

That's a really good idea. That's a good idea. OK, OK!

OK, that's it! I know what you're doing.

What? Wiggling your way

in between me and Guy. I'm sorry, I don't follow.

I bet you don't swallow. What? What? Sorry.

I thought you said something else.

Saif!

Oh! FARIDA EXCLAIMS

Saif! Saif! Saif! Bride?

Winnie! Shit!

Have you seen the bride? Have you seen Winnie?

Open the door!

SCREAMING

What was that? Toilet! Come on!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh! Oh!

You can't run away from your problems like this, babe.

Winnie, why do you keep running away from me? Shit!

What the fuck happened to my profiteroles?

No. No, no, no. It wasn't... Come here! No, it wasn't me.

Oh, God! No!

Can we just talk, please? No.

I'm trying to save this girl's wedding day, Isaac.

I found the bride. Who even are you?

Maybe you should tell her that hiding in a toilet

is not going to help. I wasn't hiding.

Maybe you'd rather hide in the toilet

than lose your best friend over a stupid kiss

that didn't even happen. Wait. Hold on. What?

What? I thought I was your best friend?

OK, guys, we're losing track here. Guy's right, we need to find Saif.

No, no, that's not what I meant. Are you the woman from

the car insurance ad? Yes.

OK, can we just focus here? Yeah.

We really need you to get married now.

Yeah. Why don't you just tell us what's causing you doubts?

I wasn't having doubts. I was having a shit.

Oh. Oh. Oh, right, so you weren't hiding?

I was hiding to have a shit.

Oh, to have a shit. So sorry. Right. Yes.

Great, great. Just finish up. Just wipe it up.

Come on. Let's go get married! Let's get out of here. Wait!

Great. Are you having doubts or just a shit?

Profiterole. Oh, OK.

So the coward mouse was hiding.

I'm not a coward mouse. I'm a brave mouse.

A mouse is a mouse.

Can we just deal with one marriage at a time?

I will not accept your terms unless you accept mine.

How can you have terms? You haven't touched me

in 21 years. Oh, I didn't want to hear that.

Yous haven't touched each other in 21 years?

Welcome to marriage. Farida, Saif,

should we just talk about this later?

Because she's not having doubts.

Well, I am now! Oh, you are? Oh, well,

that's fantastic. Well done.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE No. Hold on. Let's just...

Guys, guys, this is all about love.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Where do you think you're going?

I was... I was going to go and find her.

I'll go and find her. You're not going anywhere.

I'd listen to him. Come on, turn yourself around.

Go. Don't embarrass me!

This is a joke. Oh, completely wasting our time.

Because love always finds a way, and that's the main thing.

They don't know what they're talking about. Just give us a shot.

Who are you talking about? Remember we had a Bombay roll

in Birmingham? Shut up, bastard!

You are making the biggest mistake of your life.

No, no, don't listen to her.

Just follow your heart. Yeah, and if your heart wants

to just be friends, that's also fine.

What do you know about hearts?

Isaac, please! Guy's a therapist. He can help.

Yes! Guy. Guy. Yeah, yeah.

Huh?

I don't have the answers.

Yeah, you do.

No, I don't. I thought you said he'd written a book about this.

Yeah. Yeah, I have. And I'm meant to be introducing it,

doing a whole speech about relationships,

and I don't even know what to say.

I don't know why we put ourselves through this.

You know, maybe it is just a little bit too hard and it never works,

and we all end up just hurting each other, and then it's over.

So...

..there

DOOR BANGS OPEN Ah! My girl!

Baby girl.

Come on.

Time to get married.

We found the bride, guys. Sit down, please. Take your seats.

Found the bride, guys. Sit down, please.

Take a seat. It's all right. She's here now.

WEDDING MARCH BEGINS

All rise.

WEDDING MARCH PLAYS

Please be seated.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to celebrate the union of

Cynthia Harris and Gareth Cooper in marriage.

What has a heterosexual wedding got to do with this book?

Nothing. Shut it.

A marriage is sacred and goes on from this lifetime to the next.

It is the ultimate...

And you want to make sure it's really for you,

because we should note that there are three people in this marriage.

Cynthia, Gareth and God.

And like God,

you must keep a watchful eye on

the bond and the love

that will be forever shared in eternal marital bliss.

This is ridiculous. I'm leaving.

You'll be making a promise to be together in this

life and the next.

If anyone objects to this union,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

I'd like to say something.

MURMURING

MICROPHONE WHINES Let go!

I'd like to do an introduction to

Guy Harvey's book, um, Lessons In Love.

Relationships are fundamentally hopeless.

Let's start there. I'm going to kill him.

You know, you meet someone, and you feel like your life is fixed

and that there's hope, and that you can do anything.

And then... Then do you learn that they like to leave

a party at 10pm. Or they cry in the shower.

Or they think spending �31 on a hand wash is a normal thing to do.

So then come the differences, the disagreements,

the arguments, the compromises. And then before you know it,

you've basically turned into your parents,

which for most of us means we're fucked.

And then, well, then you're dead. So...

JAMMA CLEARS HIS THROAT

So why bother?

Because if you didn't...

..you'd be saying no to the adventure.

The adventure of stepping out

of your own world and into someone else's.

To see not just your own magic, but theirs.

And realising that someone else

is just as fucked up as you are.

To love and be loved...

..that's what shapes us...

..no matter what form it comes in.

It's not about finding the one, or never getting it wrong,

or never hurting each other,

because we probably will.

But surely it's just about the joy

of going on a journey with someone.

As the famous successful actress Farida Jamshidi once said...

..the best journeys are worth protecting.

So please buy the book and review it well.

Thank you.

Well, none of that was in my book.

OK. Well, that wasn't really an objection,

so let's carry on.

PASTOR CLEARS HIS THROAT

Do you take each other as your lawfully wedded spouses?

I don't! I don't!

Hmm? What?

Really? After that speech?

I think I was doing it just cos my dad wants me to.

Me too. He's terrifying. What is going on?

Oh, no, no, no! It's a good thing, Daddy.

I don't want to end up in a sexless marriage

like the car insurance lady.

She doesn't know what she's saying. Yes, I do.

Them guys helped talk some sense into me.

Uh, no. No, no, that's not... No, that's not what we meant.

Those two corrupted my daughter.

Daddy! Sit down, Lee.

I'm all right.

I'm all right, I'm all right.

I'm going to rip your fucking...

No, no, I'm sorry. I'll kill them!

Right, right, right!

Shout out to my newly ex. This next one's a big tune!

MUSIC: Walking On Broken Glass by Annie Lennox

You're kidding me?!

Gazza? Yeah? Will you join me for our last dance?

I'd be honoured!

Using a heterosexual wedding to excessively

demonstrate how we can all learn from queer relationship models -

quite frankly, genius.

I look forward to seeing some more, Mr Gay.

# Since you've abandoned me... #

Can I have this dance, friend?

Please!

Terms and conditions, signed.

No more fighting? No more fighting. But if you can't

fulfil my bodily needs, I will find other sexual partners.

OK. OK.

Singing machine only on weekends. Weekday. Weekends and Tuesdays.

Deal. Deal.

Oh, yes. One more thing...

I'm going to kill you! Lee, don't get involved!

Nothing? Not even a little bit?

No. I'm sorry. You're like my baby brother's baby brother, you know?

It's weird. It's like I feel so seen with you.

I don't have that with anyone else. Yeah, that is friendship.

It's like the world's gone silent

and all I can hear is the ache in my chest.

That's very artistic. Thanks.

Oh, my gosh, Isaac. That's it. We've found your trauma.

What? Heartbreak.

I am your trauma.

Oh, I need to paint! Yes! I am the muse.

Please don't marry Nigel. What?

Look, I know he's perfect on paper, but you need someone different.

You need the chaos. Jamma, why would I marry Nigel?

We should have a conflab Monday, talk US distributors.

Oh, my God. Have some self-respect, mate.

I'm sorry? I'm just going to give it to you straight, right?

Yes, you look great in chinos. Yes, you know how to carve a turkey.

But he's my guy, not yours!

Anyway, I just came to say goodbye.

I'm taking my wife and kids for dinner.

Oh. Wife? Yeah.

What? So are you bisexual or...? Not that I know of, no.

Well, it was lovely to meet you, mate. Yeah.

You too. Great speech, by the way. Oh, thank you.

What a lovely man.

So I'm your guy, am I? Sorry, I meant travelling companion.

Come here.

CHEERING

# Walking on, walking on broken glass

# Walking on glass

# Walking on glass I'm walking on glass

# Walking on glass

# I'm walking on glass... #

MUSIC FADES

Hell of a view.

MUSIC: Juice Theme "Shik Ma Van" by Juice House Band

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0