Original subtitles

DISTANT HOWLING

CLAP OF THUNDER

HE HUMS A TUNE

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING

Hee-hee, hee-hee!

HE LAUGHS

No. That's bad.

# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling

# I get weak in the knees My poor old head is a-reeling

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# Here I go Falling down, down, down

# My mind is a blank

# My head is spinning around and around

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# Deep into the funnel of love. #

I still can't believe you know how to drive.

Yeah, me neither. I'm really excited about meeting your family.

Oh, well, don't get too excited.

We're just going to go in, have a chat, a cup of tea,

grab my diary and go. Your diary?

Um, yeah. It's my...my childhood diary.

I just think it'd be really good research for the book.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, great idea. Yeah. Should we, um, call them,

give them our ETA?

OK, what is going on? What? You're planning ahead.

I mean, you've even made us packed lunches.

Yeah, Ottolenghi recipe. You're not even mispronouncing Ottolenghi.

Where is Jamma and what have you done with him?

What? Nothing.

HE SCOFFS Well, no, it's... It's just...

Yeah. I can't believe we're going to be on time.

Yes, well, when you think motorways make up 1% of roads,

but 121% of traffic...

Radio 4? Sure.

That's the heater. Right.

Oh, this is where your family live? Yeah.

It's not as creepy as it looks.

"If your right eye causes you to sin,

"tear it out and throw it away"?

Anything else I should know? Yeah. There's one more thing. Yeah?

My mum's still coming to terms with the death of my dad, so... Oh.

Yeah, maybe don't mention anything about death. Of course.

Or about my dad. Right, yeah.

Dead dad!

Get in.

DOOR CREAKS

Well, I have to say, it's an honour to meet you, Mrs Harvey.

I knows a servant of darkness when I sees one.

I'm sorry? Whoremonger!

Thanks, Diane. This isn't my mum.

Oh, thank God! Please excuse Diane.

She doesn't take well to outsiders.

Hi, Mum. Oh, well, thank, er, heavens for your dad's birthday,

otherwise I'd never see you. Hm. This is Jamma.

He's my, um, er, travelling companion.

Wow! Rather old-fashioned thing to call it.

Tell me about it. HE SCOFFS

It's an honour to meet you, Miss Holy Highness Royal,

Praised Be The Blessed Fruit, Heavenly Mother,

Woman of the Cloth. May the force be with you.

Please call me Bertha. Yes, Reverend.

Oh! GUY SHRIEKS

Don't worry, Mum - he's not getting away again!

Aaargh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

My word, Shitput, you are ageing terribly.

It's good to see you, too, Christopher. Come, now,

we mustn't keep your father waiting.

The storm is coming, boy!

And the cornicing!

I've never seen such a beautiful home in my life.

Well, don't be taken in by the grandeur.

It belongs to the church, not us.

I have verily longed for the tranquillity of the countryside.

Ha! Charming young man. Yeah, so much more refined

than Guy's usual toyboys.

Just...just be yourself, please, Jamma.

I am.

That's George's slice!

On his special china plate.

CLAP OF THUNDER

Yes. No, of course. Of course it is.

And it is a pleasure to meet you,

George. OK. How's work, Shitput?

Are you still charging people to whine at you?

Thank you. I'm actually, um... I'm actually writing a book.

Oh! I was hoping to find some inspiration here.

Oh, what kind of inspiration? Well, I'm trying to get hold of my diary -

the one I had when I was younger.

I did a little bit of spring cleaning, darling.

You don't mind?

And my diary? Well,

you know how your dad feels about feelings.

Oh, no. Maybe she's thrown away your crayons, too.

AWKWARD LAUGHTER

How is the job-searching going, Christopher?

We don't all get the luxury of hoity-toity careers.

Some of us had to stay behind, look after Mum.

I said small pieces!

Right, we should probably be heading off soon

because I've got writing deadlines.

What's happened to George's plate?!

CLAPS OF THUNDER

That'll upset him.

On his birthday!

DIANE: Whoremonger knows something.

There's a wrongness in him, sure as the storm.

His soul is fractured.

That's enough, Diane. You're scaring our guest.

We'll just have to make it up to George.

Guy and Jamma can help with the parish letters. Oh...!

I...I'd love to. Yes.

Er... Can I use your bathroom?

Fourth door on your left.

Not the third door!

Don't go in there.

SQUEAKING

Hello?

Ah!

Ah! Oh...

YELLING

It's all gone wrong! He's escaped. What? Who?!

Who do you think, you blithering idiot?!

You! How do I explain this?

An abandoned soul is beckoned

by someone who still yearns for that soul.

I thought you hated yourself.

I do hate myself.

Then you need to destroy you

before you are destroyed by you.

What?! He's coming for you. Please!

I don't want to go back to selling vapes, Jamma!

CLAP OF THUNDER

The storm is here.

THUNDER CRACKS

Ah, it looks like you're going to have to stay the night, Shitput.

What about this one with a nice stamp?

Yeah. "Dear Reverend, please accept my humble

"birthday wishes on your George's special day."

Aw, Mr Abrams does the parish bulletin.

He's quite a hoot. Oh, yeah. "Well, please do ensure

"that all hymn books are returned

"to their designated pew racks in numerical order."

Oh, what a riot!

Is something the matter, Guy? No, no, no, not at all, Mother.

I mean, who doesn't love a parish letter?

But I just feel like a fun game.

Might be more up Jamma's street.

Tradition is very dear to your father.

Is it? Is it? Uh-huh. Why don't you, uh...?

Why don't you show my mum one of

your silly walks from your silly walk game?

I thought you find that quite annoying.

No, I...I...

Yes, I find it very annoying, but right now it could really help.

No? You're not going to do it? That's fine.

I will start.

Careful, Shitput. You don't want another accident.

Perhaps we should start writing the replies.

Nope! HE FORCES A LAUGH

You stay where you are!

Because actually, I have another one.

Unless, Jamma, you have one to offer?

WHISPERING: I can't. Sorry.

No? Nothing? Right. That's fantastic!

Here I go again. Ha-ha!

HE MAKES SILLY NOISES

Right, so is this what a midlife crisis looks like?

Life pivot! What?

Life pivot.

HE CONTINUES TO MAKE SILLY NOISES

That's enough fun for one night.

Will you help me pack up, please, Jamma?

I would love to. Yes. I'll bring the teas. Yeah.

You found my room, then?

Please tell me he calls you Shitput because you were

shit at shot put.

No, no, I shat myself. Cool. Yeah.

These are for you. Nice. Thank you.

I would say you could kip here with me,

but we should probably respect boundaries, right?

We probably should, yeah.

EERIE BREATHING

Did you just hear that? I did, yeah.

Maybe I might stay here. Just for a little bit, yeah.

"Verily"? What's wrong with saying verily? That's not how you speak.

You're the one who called me a travelling companion.

GUY CHUCKLES

I panicked. Yeah, and turned into Oscar Wilde.

I think your mum likes me.

But it's not really you, is it?

It's who you asked for.

Is it?

What's in the room down the corridor?

I don't know. You've never been in there?

No, not since my dad died. Why?

Well, it's just not worth upsetting my mum for.

I'm sorry she threw out your diary. Yeah.

It's annoying because I just had a feeling

it was the missing part of my book.

Ten-year-old Guy always had the answers.

I bet he did.

Were you close to your dad? No.

I just remember being scared of him.

He was an Army man.

So, shit at hugs, then?

Why do you think I'm writing a book on intimacy?

Come here.

Mm. Mm.

Guy? Mm-hm?

Is that a boner? Uh-uh, never mind that.

Just ignore it. What happened to boundaries?!

All right. Shut up. This is a house of God. Shut the fuck up!

JAMMA LAUGHS

Arousal after 9pm can decrease sleep quality by 40%.

Well, that's insightful. Sorry, just ignore that.

Slow-wave sleep is essential for physical restoration. Right.

Sorry, just don't listen to what I'm saying.

I never do anyway. Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, God. Nope.

GRUNTING

Are you OK? Mmm... OK.

Yeah, OK. Mm... OK.

Oh, this is happening. OK.

Just... So sorry.

SNORING

QUIETLY: Oh, for God's sake.

THUNDER CRACKS

SOFT SNORING

DOOR HANDLE RATTLES QUIETLY

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

HE GASPS

BANGING

SQUEAKING QUIETLY: Holy shit!

HE GASPS SHAKILY

QUIETLY: Fuck!

CREAKING

Oh, my back!

Son of a bitch!

Don't just stand there, boy.

Put the kettle on.

Uh, O-OK.

KETTLE WHISTLES

Oh, sure. Take your time.

It's not like I'm stuck in purgatory or anything.

No! Leave the bag in.

Oh, yes. Come to Papa.

CUP SHATTERS

SOBBING

Are you OK? No, I'm not OK.

She's keeping me trapped in here with all this junk.

She even kept the pickles.

I didn't even like pickles.

She thinks she's keeping my memory alive.

All it does is stop me being in the sky, playing cricket.

What are you gawking at, boy? Sorry. You've got Guy's eyes.

He's got mine. He's... Yeah. Of course.

How is he? Has he become as uptight as I was?

He decants his cereal into containers.

How tragic. Yeah.

I should have loved him better.

Christopher's a prick. He is a prick. Yeah. Mmm.

I raised them through order. It was the only way I knew.

Now she's doing the same

because she thinks it's what I would have wanted.

Is that why she threw away Guy's diary?

She's lying.

PAINFULLY: She's...hiding it.

Why?

I never liked Guy being so...

..sensitive.

That's his best quality.

Don't let Guy get rid of you.

You're not as scary as I thought you'd be.

It's not me you should be scared of, Jamma.

It's yourself.

CRAZED GIGGLING

JAMMA YELLS BREATHLESSLY

CRAZED GIGGLING

DEEP, GROWLING VOICE: Love me.

Whee! JAMMA YELLS

CLATTERING

GIGGLING

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Love me.

Huh?!

Whee!

Whoa, whoa!

Toro! Toro! Toro!

No. No toro. No toro. No TORO!

MANIC GIGGLING

SQUEAKING

CHOKING

PANICKED WHEEZING

WHISPERING: Love me.

WHIMPERING

THUNDER CRACKS

What's going on?!

George's things! It's not what it looks like.

I told you, Reverend!

Evil in his bones!

Why would you do this?

I am so sorry. You've kept everything.

You even hoarded his pickle jar.

He didn't even like pickles!

He loved pickles! He did love pickles.

I fucking didn't.

Don't just stand there. Help me!

What are you doing?!

Have you lost your mind?!

We should have got rid of this stuff 20 years ago, Mum!

How dare you disrespect your father's wishes?!

Christopher, do something!

MOANING SOFTLY: No pickles.

Martha, Christopher's gone and wet himself, he has.

Yes. Thank you, Diane.

Come on.

It's time to let him go.

I miss him so much.

Any word from Mum?

Best leave her to it.

You're not going to use what happened against me, are you?

Oh, come on.

I think we've grown out of that now, don't you?

THEY CHUCKLE

I'll see you very soon...

..Pisstopher.

Oh!

I see dark doings ahead for you.

Oh, no, you don't have to do that any more.

You suckle from the devil's teat!

LIGHT-HEARTED: Oh, no, YOU suckle from the devil's teat!

Come here, you crazy cat.

Oh! Laters!

Yeah. Shall we go? Yeah.

Wait!

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Let's go. HE CLEARS THROAT

All right. You ready for some answers?

Nope! Oh! THEY CHUCKLE

Um...

All right. Hang on a minute.

Mmm. Uh...

OK. Well, I guess your last chapter's about Robbie Williams.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

What are you doing? Uh, Guy? Yeah?

Uh... Jamma? I might have forgotten how to drive.

What? Jamma?!

Jamma! THEY SCREAM

Jamma!

MUSIC: Juice Theme "Shik Ma Van" by Juice House Band

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0