Original subtitles

OWL HOOTS

This programme contains some strong language

# Majal needs the soul of a clown

# This twisted collection of souls lost and found

# But there is one soul that is yet to be found

# That soul is the soul of a clown

# Majal needs the soul of a clown

# Ah, give me the soul of a... #

Oh, shit...

COINS CLATTER Sorry, sorry. Oh, my God! Oh.

Um... Sorry, I'm just... Yeah.

# ..clown! #

Hmm.

# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling

# I get weak in the knees

# My poor old head is a-reeling

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Here I go, falling down, down, down

# My mind is a blank

# My head is spinning around and around

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel of love. #

Car insurance driving you mad?

The best journeys are worth protecting.

Sorry... Oop...

Whoa! Sorry I'm late.

Apparently, you can't give laughing gas to a six-year-old.

OK, listen, I wanted to have a serious chat.

CLOWN HORN HONKS

Sorry.

Um...

So I've, um... I've been doing some thinking about my needs,

and, basically, this isn't just about

you stuffing my client into a cupboard,

but I don't think that we should... Sorry, are you seeing this?

What?

He's just left a whole pizza untouched.

OK. Some people, man... No, no, no. What are you doing?

Jamma! That's �15. Here you go.

No, no, I don't... I don't want any...

Mmm! Well, it is delicious. Yeah. You're welcome.

OK, can we just stay on topic,

because I've got to go soon for a photo shoot.

Photo shoot? For what?

My book. No way! Oh, my God, what are you wearing?

This. That?!

Why? What's wrong with it?

Well, no, it's just the vibe, isn't it? It's a bit...

What?

You look like someone who decants their cereal into containers.

I do decant cereal into containers.

Cereal already comes in a container.

You know what? I think we just have

a different idea of what a partnership is.

No, we don't. No?

No. Where do you see us in ten years, Jamma?

Mykonos. No. Malaga. No!

Blackpool?

I want a family...

JAMMA CHOKES ..with someone who can

carve a turkey or...or fix a light,

or raise a child in a home that we have built together.

I just think turkey is quite a dry meat.

I can't be with someone who needs fixing.

I don't need fixing.

Everything you touch turns to chaos.

That is not true. What are you talking about?

Is that my anchovy pizza?

Oh, my God. Jamma, they just went outside for a smoke.

Um, sorry. We will order you another pizza.

We haven't got time.

We've got to get to my daughter's engagement party.

Well, I think if we just calmly...

Mate...

..don't tell me to calm down.

Er, it was just the waitress. It's her first day, bless her.

Which one?

Which...

Which bloody waitress?

Oh...

..that bloody one.

Darling...?

Are you serious? Might as well while we can.

Did one of these blokes order this pizza from you?

I ain't taken their order yet.

Thank you.

What have you got to say for yourselves?

We could do with some chilli oil?

Whoa! Fine. Oh, my God!

That was too much.

I know, right? God, some people are out of control.

Ohhhh!

I've got a stain on my jacket.

Oh, I'll get it... No, Jamma.

Not everything's a fucking clown act.

All right, I was just trying to...

I'm sorry.

SIGHS DEEPLY

Have you got a tissue, please?

Yeah, I think, um... It's a bit...

Oh. Oh, shit, no.

I came straight from work.

CLEARS THROAT

I think we should stop seeing each other.

Wait, I love-ove you...

You can't even say I love you.

Ah, the clown.

So eager to be loved,

yet deep inside knowing himself to be unworthy.

Tragique, don't you think?

I... I don't have change, sorry.

'Tis not I who needs change, Jamma.

How'd you know my name?

Your, er...name badge there.

Mr Majal. Soul merchant.

If you're looking for answers, do drop by my emporium sometime.

I swear that was a vape shop.

No, it's not a vape shop.

I had a mate who literally bought a vape there this morning.

No, it can't have been a vape. It was probably an inhaler.

I do remember someone quite wheezy coming in this morning.

So what exactly do you sell?

Not vapes. OK. Basically.

My card.

A storm is coming, Jamma.

You dropped your vape.

Yes. I'm...looking after it for a friend.

Right. Anyway...

SQUAWKS

JAMMA COUGHS

I can still see you.

This is a Banana Line train to Gravesend.

If you see something that doesn't look right,

please talk to a member of staff.

See it, say it, a storm is coming.

Oh. Hi, Isaac.

Hey, my guy. It's therapy time.

Ah... Sorry, Isaac, I can't today.

I can't make good art until I know what my trauma is.

Right. Um, the thing is,

I'm getting my photographs taken for my book.

Cool. What are you wearing?

Well, I was going to wear this, but now I have to change.

Because of the vibe?

No, actually, because of the stain. Sorry, what vibe?

Oh. It's fine. I'll get out of your hair.

No, wait...

Argh... Yeah. Maybe I can help you...

..if you can help me.

Grey, grey, grey, grey, grey, tweed, herringbone.

Corduroy elbow patch? Really?

Well?

People are going to judge this book by its cover.

OK. What... What do you think the issue is?

I hate to break it to you, but, um...

..yeah, you white.

Sorry? Inheritance tax white.

Right... Whitey-white white.

I don't think I can do anything about that. Can I...?

Yeah, no. No, no, right. Come on, Isaac, just...

Can't you just make something, like, super funky out of all this lot?

I'm an artist, not a magician. Well, what else do you need?

Give me 48 hours, a Jacobean ruff and a welding torch.

DOORBELL RINGS Ohh!

That's the photographer!

Hey, that's OK. I have a plan B.

Hi, Mum.

What, Jamal?

Oh, no, just, you know... I miss you.

I'm booked and busy.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I know.

I just, um, wondered if I could come home,

maybe stay in my old room.

I'm using it for my bodily needs.

Please stop calling it bodily needs.

Fine. Sex.

No! Bodily needs is good, actually.

Ma, please.

Guy doesn't want to see me any more.

I feel really alone.

Would it help if I tell you,

when you were a child you were quite unlovable?

No, it wouldn't.

Stop feeling sad, Jamal. This is not who you are.

What if I don't like who I am?

Then change.

And if you want to mention about my bodily needs to your dad,

you have my permission.

Why would I do that...?

SHOP BELL RINGS

DOOR CREAKS

Hello?

DOOR SLAMS AND LOCKS

Hello?

Have you ever run away with a travelling show?

Uh, no, but I used to work in marketing.

Oh, what I wouldn't do

to revive my glorious troupe of freaks.

You see, boy,

everyone has their part to play in the circus of life.

The strongman - uuugh - he lifts.

The bullfighter - flaunts.

Ahhhh!

The stilts...

..they complicate my risk assessment.

And the clown...

CHUCKLES

Oh, the clown has no skill but his own stupidity.

I can unburden you from yourself.

From this ridiculous costume.

That's just my actual clothes.

This helmet of regret.

All right, bit harsh.

The yurt of horror.

OK, well, this is who I am. Ah!

But is this who your guy wants to be with?

How'd you know his name?

I don't. Right.

Wait a minute. Is your guy actually called Guy?

Yeah, he is, yeah. Oh! It's confusing...

Behold!

Your future.

In you go.

CHILD GIGGLING

Go on.

Isabella? Yes, Daddy?

Oh, hello. My little tornado of energy.

Woo-woo! Should we give Papa his gift?

Yeah. Yeah?

Hope everyone's hungry. That looks absolutely delicious.

Oh, stop it! So, we have got you a little gift, haven't we?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I hope it's not too boring.

Hey, boring is just another word for reliable and consistent.

Aww.

Hell of a view.

Hell of a view, too.

Hell of a view?!

That's our thing.

Nigel, baby...

..I think that lamp's blinking.

Guy, it's me.

Guy?

It's Jamma.

Hell of a view!

Guy, what do... No! Hell of a...

JAMMA'S VOICE IS SILENCED

Right, that's fixed.

DISTANTLY ECHOING: Hell of a view! Hell of a view!

Hell of a vi-i-iew!

I don't want to be the lamp.

Then who do you want to be?

The kid.

You what? I want to be the kid.

You can't be the kid. Why not? Cos the kid's the kid.

Yeah, but she got all the attention.

You're already a kid. That's the problem.

I thought I was the lamp!

SIGHS SCORNFULLY

I want to be Nigel!

Then Nigel you shall be.

THUNDERCLAP

SHOP BELL RINGS Excuse me. Do you sell vapes?

God's sake!

Go on, then. What you after?

Triple mango. MOCKING: Triple mango!

Isaac, I'm not sure this works.

They're my clothes, of course they'll work.

Just come on out. You'll look great.

DOOR OPENS

How do you look even whiter?

Great. I make even your clothes look bad.

No, no, no, we can still make this work.

What's the demographic for your book?

I don't know, it's like 40s and sophisticated...

Rich, entitled... No, self-improvement enthusiasts.

People with wine cellars having a midlife crisis.

No, we call it a life pivot now.

That's a weird thing to call a wine cellar.

Right. Isaac...I just don't want to look like a cliche therapist.

That's it. Which is exactly what a cliche therapist would say.

In order to not be a cliche therapist,

you need to lean even more into being a cliche therapist.

Ready?

Um... Yeah, we're ready.

At this rate, I'll be a tortured artist in no time.

Oh, no.

Right.

THUNDER CRASHES

Cheers.

Ooh!

Hoo! Ha! Ah!

Jesus!

Wiggle your feet out, so you're standing a bit wider.

Now you own land.

Chin down. What are you doing with your chin?

Chin down with the attitude of chin up,

but just look comfortable. You got it.

Sorry, are we sure about the wine? No, it's great! It's aspirational.

You know what? Offer us the wine. We want some of this.

Yeah, you can have this lifestyle too.

Yeah. Get this, get this.

Hey. Is this a good time to talk about my trauma?

Great.

It's a bit cold. Don't be such a baby!

Eee... Ooh!

THUNDER CRASHES

The wind's going crazy in your face. Your hair's going everywhere...

I've got a hat on. So here's the thing,

I think my art's shit because I don't have any trauma.

Right. Er... Relax your shoulders. Do some shoulder rolls.

Get that, get that, get the shoulder rolls.

HE WHIMPERS

Eee... Oh, ya... Ha!

It's the time.

Ha...

BLOWS TRUMPET

I think maybe it is my family.

You know, I always felt invisible around them. Don't pout.

Well, my publisher is not going to sign any of this off.

Give me a pose that says,

"I just built a walk-in wardrobe for my labradoodle."

HE MUMBLES

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

I think Jamma stole all the trauma in the family...

Oh, really? ..and left none of it for me.

Do you know how unfair that is? Does that make Jamma my trauma?

Does that make Jamma YOUR trauma?

Does that mean we're trauma-bonded now, Guy?

Oh, my God, uh!

Guy? What's up?

I still look boring.

Holy shit.

I look boring.

Yes. That was the main objective.

My Guy?

This is not why I wrote a book, OK?

Well, why did you write a book?

Why did I write a book? Yeah.

Because I wanted to create more nuanced narratives

around queer relationship models.

And because I wanted to be more interesting.

Hmm. You are interesting.

No, I'm not. Actually not...

..not next to Jamma. He's, like, the zany one.

I'm the one that decants cereal into containers.

Why would anyone do that?

I know.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

Yeah, I know.

Cereal already comes in a container.

SARCASTICALLY: Oh, oh, does it? Oh, wow. Thank you.

OK, um...how about you wear something zany, then?

We haven't got any time, Isaac. Where the hell are we going to find

an outfit that's not yours or mine, huh?

So edgy, so unpredictable, so subversive.

Genius, thy name is Isaac. This is it.

Fuck the system! Fuck the system! Say it.

Say it with your chest. Fuck the system!

Yeah, go on, fuck off, system. You getting this? Whoo!

Fuck decanting cereal into containers.

Fuck it all! Fuck it all and eat it. Yes!

Ooh! I'm craving a boiled sweet.

Wow.

I'm feeling a sudden urge to open an ISA account.

Yes. It's working. Why have I never thought of a pension before?

Yes. I mean, starting at 25 versus 35 could double my savings

due to compound interest. How do I know that?!

You know, you're sucking the life out of me!

Perfect.

Wait.

What if this doesn't work out?

Well, I have a very flexible returns policy.

Which is? Two working days or...

..the next blood moon.

When's the next blood moon?

Two working days, subject to availability.

My mood may change without notice.

Terms and conditions apply. ATOL protected.

Sounds good.

Thank you. Ah! HE GASPS

I have such a firm handshake! Oh, my God!

Oh, it's amazing. BELL RINGS

At first, he wasn't sure about the pin badge,

then that's when I said,

"I'm not a personal shopper. "I'm a personal swapper."

Genius, right?

Isaac, you've made him look like a racist.

No, no, it's Antifa vibes, OK? It's subversive.

Not on Guy it's not.

How is it racist if I'm the one who styled it?

Because no-one is going to know that.

What if he's a therapist who's been through things?

What, like an EDL march?

Thanks, Isaac.

God, you really stopped me from looking like a pillock.

All good. Thanks for the lift.

All right. See you at the book launch.

You look like a fascist!

Ohhh!

Hiya. It's Guy. Um, can you give me a call when you get this?

I just, um, sent you an email. Um, maybe don't open the attachments.

Um... You know what? Can you just come and meet me?

I'm going to send you my location, OK? Thanks. Bye.

Guy? Uh...

Jamma? What's happened to you?

What happened to you?

It's Isaac. Oh. Yeah.

Well, at least the photos aren't going to be boring.

Boring is a good thing.

What?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yeah. Yeah. Boring is, um...

..just another word for reliable and consistent.

What... Er, you're... I appreciate you saying that.

Decanting cereal is space efficient.

Whoa. Yes, it is. Wow. OK. Yeah, well, it...it is.

Yeah. Yeah, it really is, actually. Yeah.

Do you want to, um... Do you want to get a coffee or...?

No.

No?

No, no. I...

I said no...

No. What? I'm trying to say...

Y... You're good!

I mean, it hasn't got to be coffee. We could get...

No, I would love...a credit score!

Credit score? Sorry. What I'm trying to say is...

..I need to grow up and respect your boundaries.

Wow. OK. Guy, those photos...

Oh, God. Sorry, I can explain.

No, I love them. Very much your demographic. Oh.

Who's this? Um... Uh, sorry. Uh, this is my publisher.

Hi. Nigel.

Nigel. Same name?

No. No, my name's... Coffee?

Oh, my God, definitely. No, no, don't have coffee with him.

Have coffee with m...him.

OK. I'll see you around.

Yeah. No. Um...

Have fun with...

..Nigel.

I need to get health insurance.

# Are you dying for a change-up?

# Are you looking for me?

# Are you frightened of the lightning?

# Do you want to stay the same? #

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