Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

HUMMING

GLASS SQUEAKS

TAPPING

See you next Tuesday!

# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling

# I get weak in the knees

# My poor old head is a-reelin'

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Here I go, falling down, down, down

# My mind is a blank

# My head is spinning around and around

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel of love. #

Hey.

Oh, hi.

I'm just here to return these.

Those are not my pants.

You going to give me a tour of your new place?

No. It's, er, still being renovated.

Looks pretty finished to me. No, no.

I'm waiting in for a builder. So maybe another time, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. No. OK.

Yeah. See you around, I guess. Yeah. OK.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, shit.

What? What is it?

Oh, no. I've got a meeting.

Oh, is it important? It's with my publisher.

For God's sake! My calendar does not sync into my phone. Oh!

I hate it when that happens. You should go.

I've got to be here for the builder, Jamma.

I'll let him in.

Really?

Haven't you got to be somewhere? Do something? No. Yes...

No. Yeah, I'm obviously very busy, but I'll move things around for you.

Come on!

Friends help friends let builders in.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah. OK.

Yeah? OK. Yes. Go, go! OK, OK.

Chop chop. Yep, yep. Don't want to miss it! Um, Jamma?

Yeah?

I've just got a new rug.

Yeah. No, I will treat your home like it's my own.

Knock 'em dead!

SAXOPHONE MUSIC

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Oh, shit!

Bloody hell!

Oh, it smells like stability!

Guy, I'm home!

LAUGHTER

Rug... Rug.

Oh!

Jesus Christ.

Fuck!

Phew!

Woo!

I could get used to this.

AUDIENCE WHOOP

PHONE BUZZES

I'm inside. Great. Would you pass the phone to him?

Well, he's not actually here.

Guy left you in his house unsupervised?

Wait, why do you want to speak to him anyway?

Er, that's confidential.

Well, you won't believe what I just found.

Don't go looking through his stuff.

I'm not. It's the manuscript for the book he's writing.

Don't read it. I'm not. It's a book about his exes.

What did I just say? Oh, my God! I better not be in this!

Oh, my God, I'm not in this.

Listen, don't go ruining his house.

You're trying to get back in his good books.

Well, I'm not in any book, am I? Look, man. Super busy.

Got to bounce. No, wait, wait, wait!

I think I need you to come round.

Why?

I don't know, I don't trust myself.

Sit still. Don't touch anything. OK.

LAUGHTER

No! Move on.

Oh!

HEADPHONES BLARE

LAUGHTER

There it is.

Guy!

Boundaries.

DOORBELL RINGS

Builder! Coming!

Oh. Why are you dressed like an adult?

Oh-h-h!

It's an original Maya Kolachi!

Shoes! Take your shoes off.

This is worth, like, 20 bags. Really?

Yeah. Fuck!

I always knew Guy had good taste.

Well, obviously. He dated me. Oh, yeah?

Name one artist.

Er, Maya Kolachi.

Someone I haven't just named.

Neil Buchanan.

Is that the Art Attack guy?

Yes. And he's an icon.

DOORBELL RINGS That's the builder!

Quick!

It's takeaway.

I didn't order takeaway.

Whose takeaway is it?

CRASHING

Dad?

It's Tuesday.

Let me guess. This was your plan all along.

What? To reunite the family. No!

I don't even know how he got in. Front door.

You had a key?

It's Tuesday.

I know what day it is.

I like fish taco.

It's been nearly a year, and you haven't contacted us once!

Yeah. Where are you living? Are you safe?

My name is Saif. Yeah, I know what your name is.

Why do you care about him? He doesn't care about us.

He does care. You care. Right, Dad?

Pass the cheese taco.

Careful, man. The rug! MUFFLED: Where have you been?

Just calm down, OK? We don't want to miss the builder!

Don't tell me to calm down. What kind of father...?

STOMACH CHURNS

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

What kind of fa...? Oh!

GURGLING

Oh, my God, dude. Aren't you lactose intolerant?

DOORBELL RINGS The builder!

Hi. I'm here for Guy Harvey. Yes, yes.

Come in.

Shoes off. Yeah.

Don't you need tools? Well, I was hoping you'd provide me with those.

I think I saw some in there.

Yeah.

Yeah. In you go. Yeah.

I did it! I let the builder in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

DOORBELL RINGS

SHOUTING

What's Mum doing here? I texted her. You did what?

You want to bring Dad to a bun fight,

I'm bringing Mum to a mum fight.

No, no! I didn't bring anyone to any fight.

He needs to face his consequences, man.

She will break everything in the house trying to kill him!

BANGING I want to kill him!

Mumsy, so nice to see you. Shut up! OK.

Shoes off, please.

Where is he? Who?

Don't make me fool. I can smell him.

That might have been me, sorry.

What's that? Divorce papers.

Whenever I want him to sign,

every time he runs away.

No, no, no. Not today.

Yes, exactly. Not today.

No! I mean, don't do this today.

I'm not going to leave until I find him

and he signs these papers.

Humph!

He went upstairs. Thank you. Look, this is my son.

No, no! Mum. Take your shoes off.

Give me your shoes!

Just give me them. Shut up!

DOORBELL RINGS

Here to fix the bathroom. I'll head on up. Yeah.

Wait.

You're the builder?

No need to be sexist, buddy.

Saif!

Then who's in there?

Look.

My last therapist turned out to be a fraud,

so I need this to go differently, Mr Harvey.

Oh...

Oh, no, no...

You seem like an intelligent man.

Oh...

I feel like I can trust you.

Yeah. Of course you can.

Let's begin, then.

Saif!

He's not upstairs.

Saif! Where is he hiding?

So, it's the morning after my vasectomy... Saif!

..and I wake up and she's gone.

Took the kids.

SMASHING

Is your house always this busy?

Just today,

because my calendar has not been syncing to my phone.

SHOUTING You know how... Sorry. Where were we?

Well... Lying.

Cheating.

How it's a big trigger of mine.

MAN SNEEZES

Bless you.

I didn't sneeze.

Let's unpack that.

Huh.

Oh, Mum! What are you doing?!

Making the mouse come out of his home. No, no!

No, you can't do that. He has been spending my money.

So these plates are mine to smash!

Oh, no! Mum, wait.

Whose house do you think this is...?

STOMACH LURCHES

What's wrong with you?

Loose motions?

I need toilet.

Be careful!

Three men?

At the same time?

And that's when I realised the empty driveway.

She took my Prius.

CREAKING

Carry on. Er...

Smash!

Oh-h-h!

Is everything OK? Yes. Yes, it is.

Are you sure?

Yes. Um, sorry. You were saying something?

HE FARTS

You were saying about your wife not trusting you.

Just before she left, she said to me that she didn't feel safe.

Saif!

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

Um, I just...

I want to know what I did to make her not feel safe.

Hello? I definitely heard something then.

OK, maybe if you could use another word instead of "safe".

What do you want?!

Who the hell's that?

This is another client of mine.

I like to do this type of therapy, where I...

Saif!

Would you like my advice? No!

It is good she left.

You have freedom.

Which way did he go?

What's going on?! OK. I think we should end the session there.

CRASHING Oh, my God!

SCREAMING

What the fuck?!

Oi! My plasterboards!

There goes my fucking weekend.

No! No! Help!

Help! Come back!

Oh! Saif.

So, you've, er, found my robe? Yeah.

STOMACH BUBBLES

HE FARTS

Where are your clothes? Inside.

A gift for you.

Well, that's very generous of you.

You know that Jamma's inside, don't you?

I have an appointment. Yes, yes, I know you do,

but you should definitely come and say hi. Eye test.

You have an eye test? I see..

Well, let's go and see Jamma quickly,

and then you can go... Karate club. Karate club?

You're very flexible, aren't you?

I'm just so triggered. Look, it's all part of the therapy.

What type of therapy is that?!

Well, you know, exposure therapy.

Including that.

Why don't I show you out the back?

You will do no such thing!

I will be reporting you the very first chance that I...

SHE SHRIEKS

Saif!

Oh...

Three deep breaths. One, two, three.

Here we go.

Out for lunch. Yes?

Hello, Isaac.

You OK there?

Yeah. Yeah?

Where are you going with that?

Oh. You're taking that, are you?

You're not going to take my Maya Kolachi, are you?

No, of course you're not. Well, give it to me, then.

No.

Let it go, Isaac.

No... Let it go!

AUDIENCE GASP

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

Jamma!

Oh...

Oh!

GUY SHOUTS INAUDIBLY

Oh!

Jamma! No, no, no! It's not my fault.

I let the builder in, see?

The hole in the ceiling will be extra. Oh, Jesus!

You said I could trust you!

No, you can. You can. How can I trust you?

There are broken plates...

EVERYONE SHOUTS AT ONCE

Mum! Mum! Hold on. OK, OK!

From now on, you can only speak if you're holding the vase.

Guy, I found my dad upstairs.

He was somehow already in your house.

Well, yes. Because it's Tuesday.

I told him it's Tuesday.

Saif comes round every Tuesday for a shower and a hot meal.

How long has this been going on?! Since I left your mum.

Oi, you didn't leave me, bastard!

I am leaving you!

Sorry. You kept in touch with my dad,

but you're leaving me out of your book?!

Oh, so you read my manuscript as well, then?! It's not my fault -

it was just lying there and my eyes were doing this!

Don't hog the vase, Isaac! Guy, the only reason I came round

was because you told me you missed me.

And then I found out I'm not even in a book about your exes. Why?

Why?

Because that chapter isn't finished yet.

Sorry, I forgot my drill.

I didn't know that this is your home.

Mm-hm.

It's very beautiful.

Thank you.

Um...

Um, how many bedrooms?

Er, there's three bedrooms.

Two bathrooms.

There's a second bathroom.

You know, when I came to this country,

it was my dream to have a home like this.

He was supposed to help me.

Instead, he was taking everything from me.

He's taking my energy,

taking my patience,

and taking a shit in a vase!

It wasn't me!

Let's not point fingers.

But let's also be clear. It wasn't me.

OK. Can we all just, um...

So, it seems that the main issue today

is that you, Farida, want Saif to sign the divorce papers.

Is that right?

As you may know, Guy, that now

I'm a very successful television personality.

Are you? I have been picked to star

in a prestigious advertisement for car insurance.

As a result of my new stardom,

there are so many people who are interested in me

to do romance.

Even my butcher, you know?

Today he gave me extra mutton!

Oh, my God! Get to the point.

I need to fulfil my bodily needs,

and if he doesn't sign these papers,

I won't be able to meet my bodily needs in a halal way.

Oh, my God!

God.

Right.

Um...

Saif?

Dad, either sign the papers or come home.

No.

To which one?

Both!

That's not a decision!

Why is he being like this?

Because endings are hard, aren't they?

Not to change the subject, Guy, or anything,

but, um, would you be my therapist?

What, after you shat in his vase? Grow up!

Says the guy who shat in a vase.

This was why I came round in the first place.

What? To shit in a vase? To talk about my trauma.

Trauma?

What trauma you have?!

Exactly.

Is everyone involved with Guy but me? Hang on.

Where's Saif?

Oh, no! Not again!

I can buy new plates and a new rug for you,

because, as I've already mentioned, now my career is skyrocketing.

Oh, no. Yes, you did. You did mention that.

Thank you so much, Farida. Thank you.

We can unpack all of this in my first session.

Right, yeah. No, I can't be your therapist, Isaac.

Um...

You know, but if you wanted to have a chat, or... Great.

Couldn't afford to pay you anyway.

Oh, great.

I'm sorry I read your manuscript.

And about the rug and the vase and the ceiling.

Yeah. It's not your fault.

Listen, if you want... If you want...

No, no, no. OK. You... You go. Right. Please.

I was going to say if you wanted to have a...talk. Shag.

Sorry? A talk. A talk. Talk. Yeah.

I'd love that. OK.

Shall we? Yeah.

I definitely said talk.

I mean, it's because I've been, you know, quite busy.

I haven't had much time, but I am planning on writing that chapter.

And, when I do, that will be the end.

HE GULPS The end?

Of the book.

Of the book? Of course.

No, but I am going to be honest.

It might be quite exposing.

That's good.

I want to help you expose me.

Do you?

Yeah. You know, you've got to give your audience what they want.

Right. It's not going to be a long chapter, Jamma.

I think the sex alone was a lot to write about.

It was all right.

It was all right?

It was life-changing!

Not for me. For you. Oh, for me, was it?

That's what you said, isn't it? Right.

OK. What about the first time we met?

What about it?

How it gave your life meaning.

Oh, you... You gave my life meaning, did you?

If you want to write that down, I support you.

No, no. To be honest,

despite all of your charm,

I found you really annoying.

You thought I was charming.

HE CHUCKLES Why is that what you heard?

This, right now...

Yeah? This is the reason why we broke up.

And why did we break up?

Hello?

What the fuck?

Hello?

Is there someone...?

Is there someone in the fucking house?

Oh, I'm dead.

GRUNTING

THEY SCREAM

Jamma!

MUSIC: Shik Ma Van by Juice House Band

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0