Original subtitles

♪

Hey, look, you guys.

It'’s the Silvis School Queen Contest.

When it is?

Oh, my God, it'’s October 25th,

I am so excited!

My mom'’s been buying me clothes for this

since last Thanksgiving.

I have got to get a manicure.

That'’s only six weeks away!

This should be a breeze.

Oh, God, Muff.

You'’re going to enter?

We don'’t even have a chance now.

You know you'’re gonna win.

The worst part is is that one of us

will have to lose.

Not necessarily.

I'’m sure I can arrange it so that none of you

have to be last.

I just got a great idea.

Ta-ta, girls.

♪

Smooth move, fatty.

♪

How'’s my little...

Eartha?

Oh, I love you.

You'’re all that I have left

since mom and dad died.

At least you never make fun of me.

"Dear Ms. Loden, congratulations.

You have been accepted as a contestant

in the Silvis Slough Queen Pageant.

There will be an organizational meeting

to introduce all...

contest of talent, beauty, style, and patriotism.

Once again, thank you for submitting

your application, and congratulations

on being chosen for this contest.

Remember, it'’s not whether you win or lose

but who has the best all around package.

Sincerely, Betty T. Prunish, chairwoman."

♪

[locker opening]

Hi, Cameron.

Huh, oh, hi.

Cameron, I'’ve been dying to talk to you.

I got this letter in the mail yesterday

from the Silvis Slough Queen Pageant.

I can'’t believe it.

Well, what'’s it say?

It'’s says that I'’ve been accepted as a contestant.

Phyllis, that'’s great.

You know, my great-grandmother was one of the first queens

of the Silvis Slough.

And then my Aunt Edith, she was the Pork Queen of '’59.

And then, of course, there was my cousin Eunice

who was voted Ms. Congeniality in the Ms. Woodchuck Contest.

You know, there is a lot of royalty in my family.

I just never pictured myself in a queen contest.

You know something, Phyllis?

I had a dream about you last night.

I dreamt that you were in the Queen Contest

with my great-grandmother.

Well, what happened?

I don'’t know, my mom woke me up.

She had to vacuum up some rug cleaner.

My dog, Beady, peed on the shag carpet.

Well, it'’s kinda weird that you had a dream

about a queen contest with me in it.

Phyllis, I think it was a premonition.

I think you are supposed to be in that contest!

Do you really think so?

Yeah, Phyllis, I know so!

It'’s in the stars.

But, Cameron...

I'’m not skinny and beautiful

like those other girls.

Look, just because Danny Gerig played a practical joke

and showed that movie on your butt,

now, that doesn'’t mean you don'’t have

a beautiful soul.

Do you really think so?

Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Phyllis, this is your big chance to show the world

that you'’re not just a fat slob,

you'’re also a human being with feelings.

[bell ringing]

Oh, there'’s the bell.

I gotta go, Phyllis.

Yeah, me too.

I gotta go to my cafeteria job.

Cameron, thanks for talkin'’ to me about the pageant.

I think I'’ll do it.

Great.

I'’ll see ya at lunch.

Yeah, we'’re having chipped beef on toast,

and I am making lemon Jell-O with carrots.

I can'’t wait.

So, anyway, I got this letter from the pageant.

And I think I'’m gonna do it, Alma.

That is great, Phyllis.

You are such a good person.

You work so hard here in the kitchen.

Shoot, if they judge ya on, oh, efficiency and cookin'’ talent,

you'’ll win hands down.

Thank you, Alma.

Why, girl, what ever is the matter with you?

Oh.

I don'’t know.

I guess I just wish my parents could be here

to see me enter this.

They'’d be so proud.

Phyllis, I bet your mama and daddy

are looking down on you right now,

and they'’re proud as punch.

You really think so?

Yes, I do.

Now, look here, girl, you take this here

leftover Jell-O, and you scoot on outta here.

You gotta make that meetin'’ tonight.

Thank you, Alma.

You'’re so good to me.

It t'’weren'’t nothin'’.

Now, skedaddle.

Thanks, Alma.

I'’ll let you know how it goes.

All right.

♪

Hey, Muffy, are you sure

Phyllis is comin'’?

I left a trail of M&M'’s.

Don'’t worry, she'’ll be here.

[laughing]

♪

Is this the contestant'’s meeting?

Can I help you with something, my dear?

I'’m here for the Ms. Slough Queen Contestant'’s meeting.

Surely, there'’s been some mistake.

Are you sure you don'’t want the cooking class?

It'’s down the hall, in room 201.

No, I'’m here for the Ms. Slough Queen Contest.

Well, let me check.

Your name, my dear?

Phyllis Loden.

Phyllis.

Phyll--

Phy--

Oh, here it is.

Phyllis Loden.

May I just take a peek at your letter?

Sure.

Thank you.

Well, since we'’re all present and accounted for,

I suppose we have to call this meeting to order.

Ms. Loden, why don'’t you have a seat

with the other contestants.

Have a seat,

Phyllis.

[laughing]

That'’s good.

Now, girls, for those of you

who may not know me, I am Betty Prunish,

executive chairwoman of the Slough Queen Pageant.

[clapping]

[laughing]

There, there.

Now, thank you very much.

Now, girls, I would like to explain

a few things about this contest.

First point of order, of course, is the judging system.

And now, then, girls, all girls will be judged

in three categories.

One, talent, two, swimsuit/evening gown

and three, scholastic achievement/question and answer.

Excuse me, Mrs. Prunish, I hate to interrupt,

but, how many points are based on scholastic achievement?

Well, the point breakdown is as follows, for talent,

25 percent, for swimsuit/evening gowns, 70 percent,

and for scholastic achievements/question and answer

five percent.

[laughing]

Thank God.

[crunching]

And, girls, let me remind you,

let'’s try to watch our calorie intake

over the next few weeks before the pageant.

Let this be your personal creed.

"Eat smart, think thin, and win!"

Excuse me, I'’m very sorry.

Phyllis, Phyllis, thank God I found you.

[exhaling]

I--I was cat sitting Eartha, like you told me to,

and she got out of the house, and she ran up a tree.

The fire department is there.

She won'’t come down.

Eartha was hissing and everything.

One guy got clawed.

They'’re gonna chop down the tree!

You gotta come home right away!

They'’re pissed.

Oh, my God.

Eartha, my kitty.

Ms. Prunish, I gotta go.

My kitty Eartha'’s in trouble.

Who was that...

boy?

That was Cameron Owens, all time major geek

of the universe.

He actually hangs out with that thing,

Phyllis Loden.

I see.

Girls, let me end with a few final thoughts,

first, I want you all to concentrate on this pageant.

Second, I want none of you to display yourselves

in the fashion that I saw displayed before me

in this room tonight.

And third, I want that Larder girl out

of my pageant!

Since it is impossible to do anything about that now,

you are each personally charged with a mission.

Make this pageant a living hell for her.

Do we understand each other, girls?

Good.

Thank you all for coming this evening.

May the best girl win.

And we all know who won'’t.

Next time, we are not coming out.

Oh, I'’m sorry.

I'’m so sorry!

My poor baby.

She thinks I'’m going after that damn cat again,

she can just forget it.

Geeze, the way she looks, it'’s a wonder

she hadn'’t eaten that cat.

I'’d run up a tree, too, if I saw her comin'’ at me.

[engine starting]

Poor baby.

My poor baby.

Cameron, how did this happen?

Well, I was watching Jeopardy, and I was winning, as usual,

and I spilled some milk down the front of my pants

and then when I went to go get a towel

to clean it up, I saw the paper boy ride by,

so, I figured I'’d go out and get the paper.

And when I opened the screen door,

Eartha got out, and then Mr. Coldwell'’s dog

was sitting there, and he took off after her.

And Eartha went tearing up that tree.

I didn'’t even get a chance to see the bonus round.

That'’s what happened.

Oh, well, I'’m just glad she'’s okay.

She'’s all I have, you know.

Cameron, you were so smart to call the fire department.

I don'’t know what I'’d do without you.

Well, it--it wasn'’t that hard,

except that when I hit the auto dial emergency number

on the phone, it was Rapid Ready Pizza.

Did you know that it was wrong?

Oh, wow.

That'’s kinda weird.

I wonder how that happened?

Oh, well.

Thanks anyway.

Hey, sure, no problem.

Oh, so how'’d the meeting go?

Great.

Oh, that Mrs. Prunish is so nice.

She gave us tips on how to win and everything!

I actually think I may have a chance.

Now, all I have to do is come up with a talent

and get a swimsuit and an evening gown.

Well, that shouldn'’t be that hard.

Hey, you took tap for that--at that

Ms. Levon School of Dance, what, two years

back in grade school, right?

♪

And ya have a swimsuit, you know, the one

with the little ruffle in the back?

♪

And an evening gown shouldn'’t be that hard.

♪

You can make it or something.

Sure, I took home ec last semester.

I can whip one up in no time!

I'’m sure I have extra material lying

around the house.

This is gonna be great!

♪

♪ Don'’t ya know ya got what it takes

to be a queen ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Ah, ya got the walk and the look that'’s really mean ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Got a sense of style that'’s gonna knock '’em dead ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ When you strut your stuff,

they'’re gonna lose their heads ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Ooh, killer queen, wants that tiara ♪

♪ Ooh, killer queen, today and not tomorrow ♪

♪ She'’s got the hair, and she knows how to wear it ♪

♪ She'’s got the lips that talk so sweet ♪

♪ She'’s got the eyes that promise pure devotion ♪

♪ She'’s got her legs that'’ll knock

you off your feet ♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes, and she knows how to wear '’em ♪

♪ She'’s got a look that'’s long and lean ♪

♪ She'’s got the poise, and she knows how to show it ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart of a killer queen ♪

♪ There'’s a girl who'’s born to wear the crown ♪

♪ Ah-ha

♪ Stand well back, and watch her ♪

♪ Ain'’t no other queen gonna keep her down ♪

♪ Ooh, killer queen, wants that tiara ♪

♪ Ooh, killer queen, today and not tomorrow ♪

♪ She'’s got the hair, and she knows how to wear it ♪

♪ She'’s got the lips that talk so sweet ♪

♪ She'’s got the eyes that promise pure devotion ♪

♪ She'’s got the legs that'’ll knock

you off your feet ♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes, and she knows how to wear '’em ♪

♪ She'’s got a look that'’s long and lean ♪

♪ She'’s got the poise, and she knows how to show it ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart of a killer queen ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ She'’s got the hair, and she knows how to wear it ♪

♪ She'’s got the lips that talk so sweet ♪

♪ She'’s got the eyes that promise pure devotion ♪

♪ She'’s got the legs that'’ll knock

you off your feet ♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes ♪

♪ She'’s got a look ♪

♪ She'’s got the poise ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart of a killer queen ♪

♪

♪ She'’s got the clothes ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ She'’s got a look ♪

♪

♪ She'’s got the poise, and she knows how to show it ♪

♪ She'’s got the heart of a killer queen ♪

♪

♪ She'’s got the heart of a killer queen ♪

I was so nervous, I took two Dramamine

before we came down--oh, hey, Phyllis, look.

See, see, huh?

[laughing]

Okay, do you have your evening gown?

Yeah, I'’m wearin'’ it.

Yup, okay, you'’re wearing it.

Do you have your swimsuit?

Yeah, under my dress.

Good.

Costume?

Yeah.

The tap shoes?

Yeah.

Tape?

Oh my gosh, no.

Well, don'’t worry, I'’ll run back and get it.

You'’ve still got about 20 minutes

before they announce you guys.

Thank you, Cameron.

Say, while you'’re out, could you pick me up

a box of Twinkies?

I only have one left.

Yeah, sure, all right, okay, I'’ll be back

in a few minutes.

Hurry.

Hello.

Well, well, looks like we'’re all here.

Yeah, and some of us are more here than others.

[cackling]

So, tell me, Phyllis, what are you going to do

for your talent?

Eat?

[cackling]

I'’m doin'’ a tap dance.

Oh, God!

I'’m doing a dance!

Like you'’re actually worried?

What song are you dancing to,

"The Baby Elephant Walk?"

[cackling]

[distant chattering]

Well, girls, I hope you'’re all ready.

My, what an exciting day this is for all of us.

Listen, the auditorium is almost full,

and people are coming in fast and furious.

I think we'’re gonna have a sell out.

Girls, I'’d like to take this opportunity

to tell you how much I'’ve enjoyed working

on this contest.

It has been my personal delight and privilege

to get to know each and every one--

What the?

Psst, hey, Phyllis, psst.

Hey, ya in there?

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Prunish.

I forgot my tape, and my friend

went to get it for me.

I'’ll be right back.

Well!

That reminds me.

I hope all of you girls recall our earlier conversation

regarding that woman.

I will be checking to make sure

that progress has been made.

And I would hate to see any of you

lose points for not cooperating.

Not to worry, Mrs. P.

I'’ve got it all under control.

That'’s my girl, Muffy.

Let'’s hope that the rest of you girls

are working on this little project of ours.

I want this to be the most humiliating experience

of her life.

Don'’t let me down.

I think we'’ve each got a little scheme cooked up

for our fine, fatty friend.

♪

Here, I brought Eartha.

She kept trying to get out.

Oh, great!

Oh, here, I also brought your tape and your Twinkies,

and I brought the rest of that sandwich

you left sittin'’ on the counter last night.

Eartha'’ll bring me luck.

Thank you so much.

Well, I better get back to the meeting.

Wish me luck!

Oh, hey, Phyllis, here, good luck.

Well, girls--

Thanks again, Cameron, I really appreciate it!

Oh, I'’m sorry.

What were you saying?

Oh my stars.

I don'’t believe this.

Well, dear, you didn'’t miss that much.

I was simply wishing everyone the best.

[sneezing]

Bless you, dear.

[sneezing]

Goodness, dear, are you all right?

It'’s my aller--

[sneezing]

my allergies.

She'’s allergic to cats.

[sneezing]

Cats?

Well, why in the world would she start that now?

That'’s why!

[sneezing]

Loden brought her cat in here!

Oh my God.

Ms. Larder, you will have to remove

that cat at once!

I can'’t.

She keeps running away, and there'’s no one

to take care of her.

I don'’t know what to do.

She'’s all the family that I have.

Get it out.

Get it out!

Oh my God, I'’m starting to puff up!

Get that thing outta here!

Ms. Larder, I don'’t care

what you do with it, just get it out of here!

Yes, ma'’am.

Yes, ma'’am.

What a mess.

Five minutes until the pageant starts,

and now this happens.

Girls, hop to.

The show must go on.

Shelley, you'’ll be on first

in the talent competition.

Elizabeth, dry your eyes, you'’ll be fine.

It'’s all that Larder girl'’s fault.

Just once before I die, I'’d like to have

a pageant start on time.

[stomping]

Look at me, I'’m a mess.

And I go on in five minutes.

Alison, get her bag.

Her medicine'’s in there.

Shelley, get a cold towel for her face.

She'’ll be fine in five minutes.

Oh no!

I'’m starting to get puffy.

Look at me, I'’m all blotchy!

I can barely breathe.

Elizabeth, get a grip.

You'’ll be fine.

You always are.

Don'’t worry.

We'’ll get that sow.

I guarantee it.

I'’m gonna get that fat Phyllis Loden

if it'’s the last thing I do,

and her fat cat, too.

♪

♪

Welcome, welcome everyone, to the Miss Slough Queen Contest.

[applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen, it'’s my great pleasure

to introduce to you the Executive Chairperson

of the Silvis Slough Queen Contest,

the lady who makes it all happen, Ms. Betty Prunish.

Come on down, Betty.

Let'’s have a warm round of applause.

Thank you, thank you.

It is an honor for me to be among you

at this illustrious occasion,

especially since this marks my 10th year

with the pageant.

[clapping]

Oh, no, no, no, no, please, no.

Weeks and weeks of hard work and preparation

are now culminating in what I know will be

our best pageant ever.

But then, you already know that.

[snorting]

But enough frivolity.

Larry, please introduce our contestants.

Our first contestant is a senior

at Silvis High School, head cheerleader

for the home team, and candy striper

at Franciscan Hospital, please help me welcome

Muffy Fairlane!

[applause]

♪

Our next contestant is a junior at Silvis High School,

member of the Spanish club and treasurer

for the Student Council.

Please help me welcome Ms. Shelley Styles.

[applause]

♪

Our next contestant is a senior at Silvis High.

She'’s a member of the yearbook staff

and secretary of the Future Secretaries of America Club,

Alison Murphy.

[applause]

♪

Our next hopeful is also a senior at Silvis High,

soloist at the First Episcopal Church

and member of the Silvis High Swingers Swing Choir,

Elizabeth McKay.

[applause]

♪

Our last contestant is vice president

of the Silvis Chemistry Club, member of the Future

Homemakers of America Society and works part-time

in the school cafeteria specializing in Jell-O making,

Ms. Phyllis Larder--oh, excuse me, Loden.

[clapping]

♪

Take a good look at our contestants.

They'’ll be leaving us to prepare for the first

portion of our contest, the talent competition.

[applause]

♪

Thank you, ladies.

[clapping]

And as our contestants are leaving,

I'’d like to entertain you with one

of my favorite tunes.

Hit it, Betty.

Who will she be?

Who will that lucky lady be?

Who will be our new Slough Queen?

♪

♪ Who is she, that special girl,

with an incandescent smile ♪

♪ Who is she, that lucky lady,

with the effervescent style ♪

♪ Who is she that sports the sash

and is to wear our tiara born ♪

♪ Who is she whose picture will be

in the paper tomorrow morn ♪

♪ Who'’s our new queen ♪

♪ Our true blue queen

♪ Who'’s our Slough Queen ♪

♪ The prettiest of them all

♪ She has got a winner'’s way ♪

♪ And a charm that'’ll melt your heart ♪

♪ Add to that a grade point average

and a sense of presence that sets her apart ♪

♪ She'’s our new queen ♪

♪ Our true blue queen

♪ She'’s our Slough Queen ♪

♪ The prettiest of them all ♪

[coughing]

Shit.

Out of my way!

Where is my sax?

Oh, I am so nervous!

Hey, have they called my name yet?

Where is my reed?

Okay, okay.

I'’ve got my music stand.

Oh no, where'’s my music?

Move it, Larder!

I swear, you should have your own dressing room

and give the rest of us some air!

Could someone please get Mrs. Prunish?

Shelley Styles!

Oh my God, that'’s me!

Oh, that'’s me!

Good luck, Shelley.

Save the attempt for Ms. Congeniality, Lard-ass.

Prunish has to be here to see it.

Lord knows that'’s the only thing

you'’ll have a shot at.

[cackling]

[applause]

[snapping]

♪

Hey, Elizabeth, don'’t you think

you should have a snack before you go on?

I would, but I am so swollen up

that I can barely swallow, let alone sing,

thanks to a certain someone!

♪

[applause]

Elizabeth, you'’re on!

Ooh, I'’m still all puffy!

Where'’s my Kleenex?

I'’ll never forgive you for this, Larder.

Oh, my throat!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Elizabeth McKay.

[applause]

♪

♪ Oh, when the saints, go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, I want to be in that number ♪

♪ When the saints go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints

♪ Oh, when the saints

♪ Go marching in

♪ Go marching in

♪ Oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ I want to be in that number ♪

♪ When the saints go marching in ♪

♪ In

♪ In ♪

[sneezing]

[clapping]

Before we bring out the contestants,

there are a lot of people we would like to thank

for making this pageant a reality.

Here.

You look like you could use some help.

Come on.

Well, well, well, did you see this, Alison?

It looks almost exactly like your costume!

Only, it'’s a little bigger, of course.

Oh my God!

I can'’t believe this!

You idiot!

I suppose you'’ve been spying on me.

Can'’t come up with your own ideas for a costume?

You have ruined everything, you humongous cow!

It is bad enough you have wrecked things

for Elizabeth, now you'’re starting in on me!

Now our next hopeful will be performing--

I will get you for this, butthead.

[clapping]

♪

My, my, my, that certainly was

an unfortunate coincidence...

if it was a coincidence.

Oh well, I'’m going to go outside and watch Alison,

that way I'’ll be ready when it'’s my turn to go on.

Ta-ta, Phyllis.

♪

Oh, this is all going wrong.

Why does everyone hate me so much?

I didn'’t know Alison had the same costume I did.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

♪

I gotta get ready.

♪

[clapping]

There are a lot of people we would like to thank

for making this pageant a reality.

Let'’s recognize the following sponsors,

Silvis Hardware and Paint Store,

We Be Queens Photography, Treble World, U-Pull Auto Parts,

Mary Anne'’s Muffin Shop, Bowl-a-rama,

Pink Poodle Laundromat, Mr. Todd'’s--

[laughing]

Phyllis.

Oh my God, I'’m so sorry, Phylli.

[sobbing]

I'’m so embarrassed.

All those people staring at me.

It'’s that--that Muffy Fairlane.

She'’s such a witch, her and that gaggle of females

she calls friends.

And that jock boyfriend of hers.

What am I gonna do?

I can'’t go out there now.

[crying]

I'’m gonna drop out.

No.

No, you'’re not, Phyllis.

That'’s exactly what they want ya to do.

Why else would they pull such

a cheap and childish prank?

Hey, you know what I think, I think they'’re actually

afraid you'’re gonna win this contest.

So, you know what you'’re gonna do, Phyllis?

You are gonna suck it in.

You'’re gonna wipe away those tears.

You'’re gonna put on those tap shoes,

square off your shoulders, and face those people

like a man, huh?

And don'’t let '’em get ya down.

Remember, when the going gets tough,

the tough get going.

And nothing ventured, nothing gained.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

A fool and his money are soon parted.

You can lead a horse to water,

but you can'’t make him drink.

Boldly go where no man has gone before!

Frankly, my dear, I don'’t give a damn.

The ball'’s in your court!

Now, let me hear ya sound off, Loden.

I can do it.

What was that, Loden?

I can do it.

I can'’t hear you!

I can do it!

Yes, you can.

Now, go out there and win this one

for the Gipper.

I will!

Phyllis, you wanna finish getting dressed first?

Yeah.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful,

Ms. Muffy Fairlane!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Ms. Larder, you'’re on.

The name is Loden, Mrs. Prunish.

I see, well, that'’s no way to go about winning

Miss Congeniality, is it?

I'’ll just make a note of that.

Larder out.

You'’re on.

♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Phyllis Loden.

[clapping]

Thank you.

♪

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,

we seem to have had an accident.

Is there a doctor, a vet,

anyone who can help this poor girl?

Did you see that look on her face, it was priceless.

I wish I would'’ve spilled that coffee, that was so cool.

Serves her right, the old hog.

Well, at least we didn'’t have to watch her try and dance.

Well, girls, it looks like we'’re going on

to the swimsuit portion.

Our little friend is just fine.

She'’s just roughed up a little bit

and she'’s insisting that she'’s well enough

to go on with the contest.

Pity, she should'’ve gotten out when she had the chance

to get out gracefully.

Well, it looks like we'’ll be starting shortly,

so I'’d advise that you hurry and to get ready.

Now, to save time, we'’re just gonna send you out all at once

so the judges can evaluate you.

Carry on!

Ladies and gents, we'’re ready to start my favorite part

of the pageant, the swimsuit competition.

We'’re gonna bring all the contestants back out

so you, me, and the judges can get a really good look.

♪

And now, the last part of our program,

the question and answer segment.

If you were chosen as Miss Slough Queen,

what will you do with the prize money?

Well, I would use the money

to help starving children in Africa.

Oh God, I don'’t know.

If I won, I'’d use the prize money to become a famous dancer

and do U.S.O. world tours and stuff.

I plan on using my title to help retarded

and/or senior citizens throughout the world.

I feel my talents are best used by sharing them.

It'’s so important to make people happy

and if baton twirling makes them happy,

then I'’m happy and well, everyone'’s happy

and we wouldn'’t have all these wars and stuff.

I would probably be an instrumental part

of world peace.

Well, I'’m not exactly sure.

I'’m torn between medical research

specializing in oceanic farming

and donating the money to the Humane Society.

Thank you.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen,

The five contestants have given us their answers.

Now it'’s up to the judges to decide

who will be our next Miss Slough Queen.

[clapping]

I'’m glad I'’m not in their shoes.

They'’re all just beautiful, young--

They'’re almost all beautiful, young women.

I would like to take this opportunity

to remind you to stop by the snack bar

and pick up a form from the marching band boosters

to order a box of grapefruit.

The kids are trying to earn enough money,

so they can take a road trip to Omaha

to participate in the 43rd Annual Fourth of July Parade,

so let'’s help them out and buy their fruit.

What do you say?

[clapping]

Looks like the judges have made their decision.

Our first award is Miss Photogenic.

It'’s a bonus award for one of our gals.

The winner will receive a free sitting, an 8x10,

and four wallet-sized portraits,

compliments of We Be Queens Photography.

And the winner is...

♪

...Muffy Fairlane!

♪

Well, I certainly know why she won.

That is some serious eye candy.

Excuse me.

Now, our next award, Miss Congeniality.

The winner of this award is someone

who has displayed kindness, outstanding citizenship

and politeness to the other contestants

throughout the contest.

The winner will receive a $25 gift certificate

at the Silvis Mall and Food Court.

And our winner is...

♪

...Ms. Muffy Fairlane!

♪

[cheering]

That'’s one special piece of lady.

Moving right along, it'’s time to crown

our third runner-up.

The third runner-up will receive a $10 gift certificate

to the Quick-Get Video Store and a St. Olaf Farms Beef Log.

And the winner is...

♪

...Shelley Styles!

♪

[cheering]

The second runner-up will receive a $20 gift certificate

to the Golden Flame Steakhouse and a pick-me-up bouquet

From Mr. Bruce'’s Floral Bouquet.

The lucky winner is...

♪

...Alison Murphy!

♪

[cheering]

Before we can announce the first runner-up,

I'’d like to say that this is a very important position.

If for any reason the winner cannot fulfill her duties

as the reigning Miss Slough Queen,

the first runner-up will become the new Miss Slough Queen.

Our first runner-up will receive a season subscription

to the Circus Dinner Playhouse

along with ten free tanning sessions

from the Tropical Sun Tanning Booth and Nail Parlor.

The winner is...

♪

...Elizabeth McKay!

♪

[cheering]

Well, folks, we'’re almost there.

Boy, I bet you two gals are really excited.

Our winner will receive a beautiful trophy

from Midwest Horseshoeing Supply,

$300 cash, a full scholarship

to Silvis Vocational Technical College

and use of a pre-owned Lincoln Continental

for one full year, wow.

And now, the new Silvis Slough Queen is...

...I knew it, Muffy Fairlane!

♪

Thank you.

♪

Gee, Phyllis, running off so soon.

I mean, there'’s gonna be a lot of parties

and stuff tonight.

Aren'’t you gonna come?

-No. -Oh, why not?

Everybody'’s gonna be there.

Well, anyone who is anyone that is.

You know, Phyllis, I'’m kind of curious

why you even entered this contest.

You certainly don'’t seem like pageant material.

I mean, you don'’t have the clothes,

you don'’t have the talent,

you certainly don'’t have the looks.

I mean, you don'’t even have a boyfriend.

Oh, unless Cameron Fishpod is your boyfriend

or whatever his name is.

And that'’d be worse than none at all.

You really shouldn'’t have embarrassed yourself like this.

It just makes it that much harder

for those of us who really take this contest seriously.

Oh, and I hope you don'’t even try to talk to me

when you see me in public, like at the mall or something.

You know why?

Because you are fleshy and repulsive

and have no reason to live.

Why don'’t you just do us all a favor

and drop dead?

Hey, Phyllis, lose something?

Chow down, Lard-ass.

♪

[knocking]

Phyllis?

Hey, Phyllis?

You in there?

Come on, open up!

Open up!

Go away, Cameron.

Leave me alone.

Come on, Phyllis, open the door.

You'’ve been in there for three days.

You gotta come out some time.

Look, Phyllis, at least just open the door

and let me come in, okay?

Phyllis, I am not leaving until you open this door.

[knocking]

All right!

All right, keep your shirt on.

I really don'’t feel like talkin'’ to anyone right now, Cameron.

Oh, come on, Phyllis, this isn'’t right.

You'’re having a major depression over some stupid contest.

Look, we have got to get you out of here

before something awful happens.

All right, come on, we'’re going bowling.

Cameron, I don'’t feel like doing anything.

Come on, we'’re going.

Look, this is all for your own good.

I thought maybe after we went bowling,

we could go on down to Rapid Ready Pizza

and maybe get an extra large triple

with everything except anchovies, hmm?

How'’s that sound?

Well, I suppose I could use some nourishment.

And some entertainment, come on, let'’s go.

What about Eartha?

She'’ll be fine, we won'’t be gone that long.

Come on, let'’s go.

Okay.

[chatter]

Well, well, well.

Look who'’s going to go pig out, our little friend.

Oh God, that fat pig.

I will never forgive her for ruining this pageant.

I'’m surprised she doesn'’t have her cat with her.

I hate that thing, we should kill it.

Good idea.

Since we have nothing better to do,

what do you guys say we pay a little visit

to our friend'’s house?

Come on, let'’s go.

All right, are you sure this is all right?

Yeah, come on, get in back.

Come on, come on.

Let'’s go.

♪

I'’m really glad you made me

get out of the house tonight, Cameron.

I guess I was going a little crazy.

Yeah, I know, it'’s certainly understandable, Phyll.

I mean, it'’s just like the time that I didn'’t win

first prize at the science fair.

I was so depressed, I slept for two days straight.

Yeah, anyway, I'’m just glad you'’re feeling better.

I am.

But still, you wouldn'’t believe the horrible things

those girls did to me.

It was so humiliating.

I learned my lesson, I will never trust anyone again,

except for you and Eartha,

my only two real friends in the world.

Phyll, you can'’t let them get you down.

I mean, they'’re monsters.

Look, it'’s best that we just forget about them

and the pageant and just move on with your life, huh?

Hey, besides, a hundred years from now,

none of this will matter.

You'’re right.

The usual?

♪

[whispering]

♪

-Shut up! -I didn'’t say anything.

♪

-Shut up! -I'’m not going to.

Keep it down.

♪

We are--

Shut up, you guys, you'’re gonna wake up the whole neighborhood!

♪

Hey, we lucked out.

The Goodyear blimp forgot to lock her door.

Come on, let'’s see what old fatty'’s got inside.

Shut up!

♪

God, it stinks in here!

♪

Oh God, how gross!

What a pig.

Well, think about it, guys.

What did you expect?

Well, how fun is this?

We can'’t trash her house, it already is.

♪

Ew!

What is that?

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.

I'’m gonna puke.

[collective panic]

♪

Oh God, it'’s just the cat.

[sneezing]

Oh God, there she goes.

Let'’s just put an end to this once and for all.

Come here, kitty, come here.

What are you doing?

♪

Shut up, Elizabeth!

♪

Do something.

Nuke the damn thing for all I care.

Just get rid of it!

Good idea, Lizzy.

Come on, guys.

Follow me.

♪

Alison, open the door.

-What? -Alison, do it.

♪

[growling and hissing]

There, see, that wasn'’t so hard.

Elizabeth, turn it on.

-Me? -Yeah, you!

It was your idea.

I didn'’t actually mean to nuke it.

It was just a figure of speech, Muffy.

-I don'’t wanna do it. -Elizabeth, do it!

You wanna be a part of our group, don'’t you?

I suggest you get on with it.

Do it!

♪

Come on, Liz.

You guys, I just don'’t know.

And it'’s not right.

Shut up, it'’s just a cat.

Come on Elizabeth, do it.

♪

[exclaiming]

Get me out of here!

♪

[microwave bell dings]

Let'’s go.

♪

Cameron, I really had a nice time tonight.

You'’ve been so sweet.

♪

Thank you for everything.

How can I ever repay you for getting me

out of this depression?

Phyll, you don'’t have to repay me.

I mean, I know you'’d do the same thing for me.

Well, not that I'’d ever be in a beauty pageant

and lose as bad as you did, but I didn'’t really do anything,

just went with you for pizza like we always do.

Hey, that'’s what friends are for.

There you go, see you again.

♪

Eartha?

Eartha, here, kitty!

Eartha, where are you, baby?

Kitty?

♪

I guess I'’ll just finish this leftover pizza.

No sense letting it go to waste.

Eartha?

Here, kitty.

Eartha?

♪

No!

♪

[crying]

♪

You are fleshy and repulsive and have no reason to live.

I'’ll get you for this, butthead.

See you around, fatty.

It was them!

Muffy and Elizabeth, all of them!

They killed my cat, the only thing I had in the world.

How could they, how could they?

I'’m never going to forget this.

I'’m not gonna take it anymore.

I'’m gonna kill them, I'’m gonna kill them!

I'’m gonna kill them!

Phyllis hasn'’t answered her phone all day.

Something must be wrong.

I'’m goin'’ over there.

♪

Phyllis?

[screaming]

No, no, Phyllis!

Phyllis, please stop it!

It'’s me, Cameron!

I thought you were one of them.

One of who?

Phyllis, what are you talking about?

Oh, I'’ll get them, don'’t worry.

I'’ll fix it so they never hurt me again.

Phyllis, what are you talking about?

-What happened? -Go away, Cameron!

This has nothing to do with you!

I'’ve got business to take care of, just get out.

But Phyllis, come on, what'’s going on?

I said this has nothing to do with you.

Mark my words, I'’m gonna get them.

I'’ll get them even if it takes me the rest of my life.

Oh no.

♪

See what they did to my kitty?

I'’m gonna get them.

They'’ll never hurt me again.

Phyllis, Phyllis, who did this?

When did this happen?

Phyllis, tell me, tell me!

Cameron, I told you this is none of your business.

Just get out of here if you know what'’s good for you.

-Get out. -Phyllis?

Get out!

Get out of my house!

Get out!

Get out of my house!

Get out!

Get out!

He won'’t stand in my way.

No one.

And the cat was in the microwave.

Last night was awful.

And naturally, she'’s incredibly upset by it.

I would be too.

I am.

So, do you think you could help me find out who did this?

I don'’t want her involved.

She'’d be very, very angry if she knew that I came to see you.

She'’s been a very private person lately

and I don'’t know how she'’d react to an outsider

snooping around her business.

Well, Cameron, not being able to talk to her

poses a bit of a problem getting information, you know?

But as your uncle, maybe I could swing it.

Do you know if she had any enemies?

Well, she'’s not real well liked

just because she'’s overweight.

Can you imagine that?

But she loves animals, she'’s very, very kind

and there'’s nothing that she wouldn'’t do to help me

if I needed it.

Other than that, I don'’t know of anyone who would hate her enough

to kill her cat, I mean, that'’s just cruel.

That'’s not much help.

It'’s gonna be a bit tricky

trying to pull something together out of this.

But for you, kid, I'’ll try.

Besides, it'’ll be my first case in this town.

I got nothing better to do.

Now, don'’t you worry.

I'’ll get right on this and see if I can'’t find out

a few things for ya.

Thanks a lot, Uncle Dick.

I knew you wouldn'’t let me down.

So long, huh?

So long, kid.

Great, just great.

I get to find me a cat killer.

Oh well, got nothin'’ better to do.

Look out kitty killer, old Dick the Private Dick

is on the trail.

You guys, I'’m still totally freaked out

about what happened the other night.

Just shut up, Elizabeth, it'’s over!

I don'’t know, I think you went too far, Muffy.

I mean, that was just cruel.

And what if she finds out?

She'’s not going to find out and nothing is going to happen

unless one of you freaks out and blabs everything.

So just keep your big mouths shut.

Now, come on, let'’s just go.

I gotta go meet Paul.

We'’re going to the late movie.

What'’s wrong?

Aren'’t you guys coming?

♪

If you'’re gonna stay here, fine.

I'’m leaving.

♪

You guys, I'’m gonna go home.

Maybe Muffy can give me a ride.

I don'’t wanna go out either.

I'’m sleeping over at Alison'’s.

Yeah, let'’s just go back to my house.

Yeah.

Muffy, wait.

♪

Well, there you go, Elizabeth.

You know, you guys are being such dweebs about this.

It'’s Friday night and none of you are going out.

You guys are no fun anymore.

It'’s not even ten o'’clock, what am I supposed to do

for a whole hour while I'’m waiting for Paul

to get off work?

I don'’t know, Muff, I'’m sure you'’ll think of something.

See you later.

What a bitch.

Well, I guess I can just drive around.

♪

That looks like my crown!

♪

I know I put it in here.

Where'’d it go?

Shit, that wacky can of Crisco has my crown.

Where'’d she go?

Dammit.

I'’m gonna hurt her.

♪

All right, Lard-ass, give me back that crown

before you slime it up with your greasy hair.

Loden?

Phyllis?

Phyllis, Phyllis?

Come out, you disgusting pig!

Give me my crown!

Where are you?

♪

Come on, Phyllis, you have my crown

and I want it back!

Phyllis?

Phyllis?

Phyllis, give me back that crown right now.

Is this what you'’re looking for?

Give me back that crown!

You want it?

Here!

♪

You wanted it so bad it killed you.

♪

Look what you'’ve done.

You made the pretty crown all dirty.

♪

You can'’t wear it like that.

Why don'’t I just clean it up a bit?

♪

Oh dear, I better solder this back together.

If Betty Prunish sees this, she'’ll bust a gut.

Just like you, Muffy.

♪

And there she is, ladies and gentlemen,

our new Silvis Slough Queen, Elizabeth McKay.

Let'’s have a few words from her.

Elizabeth.

Thank you, Mrs. Prunish.

What has happened to Muffy Fairlane is a tragedy.

She was ruthlessly murdered in cold blood

and her body thoughtlessly ground in the Silvis Slough.

And if that wasn'’t bad enough,

she was found by a bunch of geeks

from the science department looking for samples.

I pray that the Silvis Police Department

will find the murderers who--

I know that Muffy is up there,

competing in that big pageant in the sky and winning.

And if I know Muffy, no one else will even place

if she has anything to say about it.

I intend to carry on in Muffy'’s place

and fill her shoes as best as I can.

Muffy Fairlane was my best friend.

♪

I thought this was a wee too soon.

Oh darling, come on, I'’ll get you off the stage.

Are you okay?

Oh Paul, thank God you'’re here.

You have been such a comfort to me.

What would I do without you?

Come on, let'’s get out of here.

Mrs. Prunish, can I have the keys to the car?

As the new Slough Queen, I'’ll be needing it to get around.

Well, yes, of course, here they are.

Thanks, come on, Paul.

Well, she certainly seems to be feeling better.

Now girls, you'’ve all moved up one spot.

Alison, you'’re first runner-up.

Shelley, you'’re second runner-up.

You, you'’re third runner-up.

Since we'’ve all moved up a place, do we get new prizes?

No, if anything else should happen, God forbid,

you'’ll all move up one spot.

Well, that'’s that, now it'’s on

to the Junior Auxiliary Bazaar and bake sale.

♪

Hey, Phyllis?

Hey, Phyllis.

Oh, hi, Cameron.

Hi, hey, what'’s the matter with you?

We haven'’t talked or gone for pizza in a long time.

Oh yeah, well, I'’ve been busy.

Yeah, doin'’ what?

Cameron, I got a lot of stuff going through my head right now.

I'’m trying to get my life back in order

ever since Eartha--you know.

Phyllis, I'’m really sorry about Eartha.

I want you to know that I'’m not mad at you

for kicking me out of your house that night.

I understand, really, I do.

It'’s just that I'’m worried about you.

Cameron, stop!

I don'’t want to talk about this.

I don'’t want to talk about anything.

In fact, I don'’t want to see you anymore,

so quit callin'’ me, quit tryin'’ to talk to me

and just leave me alone.

I can take care of myself, I don'’t need anyone.

I'’m sorry, Cameron, but that'’s the way I feel.

♪

I had to do it.

I had to do it, he was only gonna get in the way

and get hurt.

I can'’t think about him.

I'’ve got work to do.

♪

Hey, fatty, see you around.

Let'’s go.

♪

Oh yeah, if I'’m gonna move up in this world,

I'’ve got a lot of work to do.

♪

Paul, stop it.

It'’s okay, it'’s okay.

Paul, stop it.

Come on, Elizabeth, it'’s okay.

Muffy and I used to do it all the time.

Quit bringing her name up, I am not Muffy!

Sometimes, I don'’t think you care who you'’re with

just as long as they have the right equipment

for you to score.

Oh yeah?

Well, maybe you'’re right.

Maybe I don'’t care.

Maybe all you women are the same,

leading men on and then not putting out.

What a tease, you make me sick.

Oh yeah, well, you make me want to puke.

And if you think that I am going out with you,

you are sadly mistaken!

I never want to see you again!

Oh yeah, well, have a nice walk home, bitch!

Paul?

Paul?

Come back here!

You dick, Paul!

I'’m so sure he did this to me!

What an asshole!

Well, I guess I better start walking.

Maybe I'’ll make it back home on time for school on Monday.

I don'’t believe this!

[hooting]

♪

Paul, you asshole.

Good thing you came back, buster.

Hello?

♪

Oh, Elizabeth, it'’s you.

Geez, Loden, you nearly gave me a heart attack!

What the hell are you doing with that mask on?

God.

Oh, this?

It'’s been in my car since last Halloween.

I was working on a project for my nocturnal insects class

and I got a flat.

It'’s kind of scary out here, so I figured I'’d put this on

to frighten away anyone who may bother me,

with that murderer on the loose and all.

So, what are you doing out here all alone?

Paul and I got in a fight and he took off

and left me here.

Creep.

Well, is he coming back?

I doubt it, he was pretty upset.

So, are you gonna give me a ride, Loden, or what?

Sure, I just finished fixing the flat,

so I gotta put some stuff in the trunk.

Do you wanna give me a hand?

You mean, like, get dirty?

Well, maybe you could hold the flashlight.

I suppose so.

Oops.

[smack]

♪

[whimpering]

[ripping]

♪

[whack]

♪

At the top of tonight'’s news

another mysterious homicide has hit our community.

Silvis Slough Queen, Elizabeth McKay

was found in a remote wooded area

by a group of science students

collecting insects for a class project.

These are the same students

that found the first Miss Slough Queen,

Muffy Fairlane at the Silvis Slough.

The entire class is now being held for questioning

at the Silvis County jail.

We take you now to the Silvis County jail

with our reporter, Tammi Conklin live on the scene.

Tammi.

Thank you, Brian.

I'’m talking with Darren Hopkins,

one of the students that found Elizabeth McKay.

Tell me, Darren,

exactly what happened when you found the body?

Well, we were on a special project

to collect a series of nocturnal insects

that are indigenous to the wooded area near the Slough.

I was going after a particularly large specimen

of Orthoptera beetle

when suddenly I tripped over what I thought was a dead log,

and it was that girl.

Well, I blew my buddy whistle, like you'’re supposed to.

[abrupt whistling]

When suddenly the Orthoptera landed right on her face.

[chortling]

You have to understand,

this is an extra credit insect worth 250 points,

which would take me well over an A+ for the class.

The vibrations from the whistle must have startled the insect,

because it went right up her nose,

and became lodged deep in the sinus cavity.

Well, I tried to remove the insect

by clipping the nostrils in a V formation but to no avail.

Then I attempted to dislodge it

by administering several sharp blows to the back of the skull,

thusly.

[snickering]

But still no luck.

Taking a roll of electrical tape,

I sealed the mouth of the corpse

and administered a Heimlich maneuver, like so.

[snickering]

It was at this point in time

that I grasped the ankles of the corpse firmly,

and began to shake.

[snickering]

Having no luck with this course of action,

I engaged the help of my classmates

to retrieve the specimen.

We began our descent into the sinus cavity,

using a tweezers, a set of pliers

and a Makita cordless drill.

Then the police came along, causing us to give up our quest.

I think we get the idea, thank you, Darren!

I would like to make a public plea to the coroner

to please help us retrieve our priceless specimen,

and return it to me, Darren Hopkins

at the earliest possible convenience, thank you.

Back to you, Brian.

Closed casket services for Elizabeth McKay

will be held tomorrow

at the First Episcopalian Church of Silvis.

In other news tonight,

a two-headed calf was born at Cowland Farmer'’s cooperative.

The calf, named Flossy and Bossy, is doing fine,

and appears to be in excellent health.

Hey, Marv, this is Dick.

Dick Richards.

The private dick.

Yeah, long time, no hear.

How'’s life at the city morgue?

[laughing]

Fine, fine.

Listen, listen, Marv,

uh, I wonder if you can do me a favor,

and let me take a peek at that stiff you got in there

with the bug up her nose.

No, nothin'’ special, just a hunch I'’m workin'’ on.

Uh, say, those students aren'’t still hangin'’ around, are they?

I'’ll be right over.

♪

-Hi, Marv. -Dick.

Well, which one is it?

It'’s this one over here.

Sure don'’t look like a beauty queen now.

Damn kids really hacked her up tryin'’ to get that bug.

Eww.

Looks kinda like my ex-wife'’s meatloaf.

Yeah, they destroyed any kind of evidence there may have been.

This is what they were after.

Look at that thing,

makes you sick, don'’t it?

I mean, what kinda person collects bugs for enjoyment?

I oughta charge the little creep

a handling fee to get it back.

Anyway, what ya lookin'’ for?

I'’m not really sure.

After seeing this on the news, it struck me kinda funny.

I thought there might be some connection

with this case I'’m workin'’ on.

What kinda case?

Well, of course, it'’s confidential,

but I-- I guess I can let you in on a bit of it.

I'’m looking for a cat killer.

Oh, well, take a look.

Cops have already been over this thing a million times.

I don'’t know what you'’ll find, but have at it.

I'’ll be next door if you need anything.

Thanks, Marv.

♪

[scream]

Ah, geeze!

[breathing heavily]

♪

Geeze.

♪

Give me that bottle!

♪

[music intensifies]

♪

[bones cracking]

♪

So, how'’s it goin'’, Dick?

I think I may have something here.

Yeah, what you got?

I don'’t know, looks like a piece of cloth or somethin'’.

Mind if I take this?

Well, I'’ll have to include it in my report,

but I won'’t have that ready for another week or so,

sure go ahead.

Thanks, Marv, I owe you one, pal.

Yoo-hoo, anybody home?

Hi, Betty.

Say, Marv, are you finished with that crown yet?

We'’re scheduled to have a re-crowning tomorrow,

and, well, what'’s a re-crowning without a crown.

[annoying laughter]

So what about it, Marv?

Oh my, what happened here?

Huh, oh my.

Wait'’ll I tell the girls at Bridge club about this.

Oh, for heaven'’s sake--

Thank you for stopping by, Betty,

but like I told you on the phone,

I'’ll call you when it'’s ready.

Marv, we are way over budget on this pageant.

Now, I can'’t go buying crowns every time one of them kicks,

those things are expensive!

I know, I know, I'’ll get it back to you as soon as I can.

And, Marv, be careful with the rhinestones,

they are terrible to glue on once they'’ve fallen off.

Goodbye, Betty.

[slams door]

I'’ll just let myself out the back.

I don'’t wanna take a chance

on running into that old windbag in the hall.

I heard that!

See ya, Marv.

Talk to you later, Dick.

[slams door]

God, we don'’t have any friends left.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Paul!

Fine, what are you doing?

Sure, I'’d love to go.

Yeah, that'’d be great.

Okay, see you then.

Bye.

Ah!

[laughing]

How cool.

Paul just asked me out.

We'’re going out after the re-crowning tomorrow,

isn'’t that great!

Well, I don'’t think that'’s so great.

I mean, don'’t you think it'’s kinda weird

that he'’s dated Muffy and Elizabeth,

and now they'’re both dead?

Oh, God.

You are such an extremist, Shelley.

You make it sound like Paul killed them or something.

Well, don'’t you think it'’s kinda strange?

I mean, he started dating Elizabeth

the day after Muffy was killed,

and now that Elizabeth is dead, he'’s calling you up?

Well, he'’s probably just lonely.

After all, he is a man,

and men have certain drives.

Not that you would know anything about that.

That'’s not funny, Alison.

If you get killed,

don'’t think I'’m gonna go out with him and his drives.

Don'’t be a moron,

Paul is one of the sweetest, kindest guys I know,

and besides, he'’s totally cute.

You'’re just overreacting as usual.

Nothing'’s gonna happen.

If you ask me, they should arrest those science geeks

who just happen to be on the scene

every time somebody gets killed.

They'’re the ones who are doing it!

I don'’t let those creeps within 100 yards of me at school.

I think you'’re wrong about that.

It'’s someone that no one'’s gonna suspect, someone like Paul.

Stop it, Shelley!

You'’re just jealous because he didn'’t ask you out.

I don'’t wanna talk about this anymore,

it'’s getting too weird.

Besides, I have the re-crowning tomorrow.

I have to get my beauty sleep,

or I'’ll end up looking worse than that Phyllis Lard-ass.

I'’m going to bed.

All right.

Goodnight.

[clapping]

Goodnight, Alison.

But just don'’t forget I told you so.

[scoffs]

Where is he?

Where is he!

We shoulda started 10 minutes ago.

God, this is so irritating.

Where have you been!?

We'’re tryin'’ to have a re-crowning here.

It'’s pretty tough to do it without a crown!

I couldn'’t get it out of her hands.

Give me that!

Well, now that that little piece of business is taken care of,

we can get on with this.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I proudly present to you the next Miss Slough Queen,

Miss Alison Murphy!

Smile, honey, smile!

[cheering]

Thank you.

Tragedy has struck within our midst.

But in the face of every tragedy we must seek out the good.

To me, the good is that I will become

the next Miss Slough Queen.

I accept this crown with great pride,

especially in knowing the ones who have worn it before me.

I fondly embrace the challenge

and the opportunity that comes with being your queen.

Oh, and by the way, my first appearance

as the Silvis County Slough Queen...

will be at...

-Silvis County Cat. -Silvis County Cat Show

this Sunday.

Thank you so much.

[applause]

Kitty killer killer-killer-killer.

[snapping]

Phyllis?

Phyllis!

Is anybody in there?

Yoo-hoo!

I'’ve got a Twinkie!

I thought that'’d bring you back.

I just wanted to say that you are now second runner up.

Same rules apply, understand?

Yeah, I understand.

Good.

-Excuse me, Mrs.P. -Yes, dear.

I'’ll be needing the keys to the official pageant vehicle.

Yes, well, Paul has already asked me for them.

He'’s bringing the car around for you.

Thanks, Mrs. P.

See ya on Sunday.

[screaming]

Oh, I love it.

-Let'’s go. -Okay.

[door slams]

[ignition sounds]

[revving of engine]

Well, I don'’t know about you, but I give her a week tops.

♪

Phyllis!

Hey, Phyllis, hi!

Uh, how you doin'’?

I--I haven'’t talked to you for a long time.

Phyllis?

What'’s wrong?

Phyllis!

Phyllis!

Phyllis, Phyllis, listen to me,

you gotta get over this cat thing,

you'’re startin'’ to get real strange.

Cat.

Phyllis?

Come back!

Phyllis, Phyllis!

♪

[crying]

[crickets chirping]

[moaning]

What--what'’s wrong?

I think I'’m gonna be sick.

Gross, don'’t do it here, go over to those trees!

Ugh, yuck!

[choking]

[spitting]

♪

Well, well, well.

If it isn'’t sleeping beauty.

♪

What?

Hey, Fatty Phyllis.

How'’s your cat?

[laughing]

Hey, that'’s my banner you'’ve got on!

Take it off before it rips, Lard-ass!

Let me put it on for you.

Yeah, put it on me.

♪

[gasping]

[coughing]

♪

That'’s why I never drink, people can take advantage of ya.

[creepy laughing]

[blender mixing]

[phone ringing]

Betty here.

Mhm.

Yes.

What!

Oh my God, not again!

Well, listen, thanks for calling.

I'’ll make all the necessary arrangements.

Yeah, yeah, goodbye.

My God.

Herb!

Call the school and reserve the gym again.

I can'’t believe this.

This is getting out of hand.

I'’m going down to that police station,

and stir up some action!

Herb, make me a martini, my nerves are shot!

Oh, and bring a towel, there'’s mai tai all over.

God!

At the top of tonight'’s news,

tragedy has struck for a third time in Silvis

for the ill-fated Silvis Slough Queen contestants.

The latest victim of the Beauty Queen Butcher is Alison Murphy.

Alison was found early this morning

by a group of citizens collecting aluminum cans

for the Citizens for a Cleaner Silvis project.

Also found on the scene

was Ms. Murphy'’s boyfriend, Paul Whitewater.

Whitewater was taken

to the Silvis County Sheriff'’s office for questioning,

then later released on his own recognizance.

Our woman on top--on the go, Tammi Conklin

was the the Sheriff'’s office earlier today

where she gave us this report.

As you see, the Sheriff'’s office is rather quiet at this time.

I have with me now Mable Jones,

who was at the scene this morning.

Mable, can you tell us what happened?

Yes, Tammi, we started out about 6 A.M. as usual

to collect cans to raise money for the new fountain here

in front of the court house.

There were the ten of us, Merv, Carol, Fred,

Ethel, Lorna, you know, the whole gang.

We decided to go down by the waterfront

because we can usually make quite a haul

on a Saturday morning

after those kids have been out drinkin'’ all night.

Now that bothers me, Tammi.

In my day we knew how to have fun

without all the drugs, alcohol, and sex.

Well, anyway, we come up on this sandbar,

and that'’s when I see this girl laying on this blanket

practically naked with her hair all a mess,

and this big ribbon around her neck.

I knew something was wrong

when I pulled that beer can out of her hand, she never moved.

Now that'’s when Fred found the young man lying in the car

practically naked, and he called the police.

The stench of alcohol was everywhere.

These young people today have got to be disciplined!

These terrible things happen when these young kids

are allowed to roam around unsupervised.

The next thing you know we'’ll have gang riots

right here in Silvis.

Herb, bring the car around!

Thank you, Mable, for that eyewitness account.

Oh, my neck.

Services for Alison Murphy will be held tomorrow

at Jinx Funeral Home.

And in other news, Flossy and Bossy,

the famous Silvis Siamese cow was seen out about town.

It went to several cafes and gunned down a civilian.

Better go get me some more moo juice.

And do a little investigating.

♪

It'’s $27.58.

[coins clanging]

♪

Here you go.

Thanks.

♪

May I, uh, help you, sir?

Sir?

Let'’s see.

Call hair dresser, dentist appoin--oh, better call Shelley.

[humming]

-Hello. -Hello, Shelley?

Hi, Betty Prunish here.

Guess what, hun?

You are now Miss Slough Queen!

Isn'’t that just the most thrilling thing!

[dial tone]

Hello, Shelley?

Huh, we must have been disconnected.

I'’ll try it again.

[humming]

Hm, no answer.

I'’d better get down there and see what'’s going on.

Herb, bring the car around!

Shelley!

Shelley, Shelley, what happened?

We were talking on the phone and we were disconnected.

We'’re moving Mrs. Prunish.

Well, surely there'’s been a mistake.

You'’re to be the next Slough queen.

No I'’m not.

I'’m not gonna get murdered.

I'’m sorry, you'’re gonna have to call the next runner up.

The next runner up is Phyllis Loden,

I can'’t crown her queen, it is against my principles.

Well, you'’ll be lucky if you can get her

after all the things you'’ve done to her.

I don'’t wanna have anything to do with you

or your stupid pageant.

Oh!

Shelley!

Goodbye, Mrs. Prunish!

I hope you find someone!

Shelley, Shelley, please wait!

Listen, this has all been a misunderstanding,

I'’ve got the sheriff working on this!

I can get the bigger prize money.

I can get you a new car.

A new convertible!

Oh, you can'’t go!

I can fix it so you can win the next ten matches.

You-can'’t-leave-me!

Go!

Stop, I demand you stop!

For the love of Christ, Shelley,

you can'’t make me crown Phyllis Loden!

[sobbing]

♪

You cannot leave me!

[sobbing dramatically]

♪

Oh, God!

God help me!

[whining]

What am I gonna do?

Herb!

Bring the car around!

-Phyllis, Phyllis! -Phyllis, Phyllis!

Ms. Loden, how does it feel

knowing you may be the next victim

of the Beauty Queen Butcher?

Phyllis, has Paul Whitewater contacted you

now that you are to be crowned Ms. Slough Queen?

How does it feel to be the last contestant in this pageant?

Phyllis, what is your favorite food?

Hey--hey Phyllis, hey, good luck!

I'’ll be rootin'’ for ya!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to thank you

for such a big turn out for today'’s re-crowning.

This year'’s pageant has been unlike any other.

Never have there been so many queens in so short a time.

Um, due to these unfortunate circumstances,

our next Slough Queen will be presented

with a lovely bulletproof vest

and a case of EZ Spray pocket mace

courtesy of Stone'’s Weapon Supply.

Also, due to security concerns, the new Slough Queen

will be making no personal appearances during her term.

Thank God.

I would just like to announce for the record,

ladies and gentlemen,

that the next Slough Queen was supposed to have been

Miss Shelley Styles, who was unable to fulfill her obligation

when her father was rather abruptly

transferred to another state,

thus rendering her ineligible--

Quit stalling, Prunish, and get on with it!

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Well!

I guess our audience is turning ugly.

I will be forced to announce our next Slough Queen,

Miss...

[stammering]

♪

Phyllis Loden!

[sobbing]

♪

Wait!

Stop that woman!

Now what?

Get her.

What'’s going on here?

You know somethin'’ you'’re not tellin'’.

Did you kill my queens, huh, did ya?

You'’ll wear this crown over my dead body, girl!

Out of the way, Prunish.

You'’ve got your nerve, buster!

Turn around, Phyllis.

♪

[audience gasping]

♪

That'’s all we needed.

Phyllis Loden, you are charged with the murders

of Muffy Fairlane,

Elizabeth McKay,

and Alison Murphy.

Take her away, officer.

♪

Phyllis, Phyllis, tell me, the underwear.

Phyllis!

Excuse me, but I'’ve gotta go find myself a beauty queen.

PDQ.

At the top of tonight'’s news,

after a lengthy trial,

Phyllis Loden the infamous Beauty Queen Butcher

was found guilty on three counts of murder

as well as having an unpaid credit balance

at Rapid Ready Pizza.

The shocking murders have rocked the community,

and citizens are torn between sympathy for the large girl,

and outrage at the senseless loss

of three young, nubile beauties.

Our woman on the go, Tammi Conklin

talked to local citizens about Phyllis Loden'’s sentencing.

Phyllis Loden?

Well, she was always a good tipper,

unlike some other people I know!

And she always got the same thing,

an extra large triple with everything except anchovies.

I can'’t believe she'’d do something like this.

I think she was framed.

Jerry, I know I have orders up!

I don'’t know nothin'’ about no murders.

I do know that Phyllis Loden was an artist with Jell-O.

Why, we never had no interesting Jell-O,

or ambrosia before she came along.

Well, I'’m glad they locked her up.

That woman has single-handedly

destroyed all of my years of hard work

to make the Silvis Slough Queen Pageant

the most sought-after contest in three counties.

Now no one wants to enter.

It is a shattering blow.

However, we are taking steps to make sure

that this kind of thing never happens again.

In the future, psychological testing and urinalysis

will be prerequisites for any contestant.

Phyllis Loden was taken

to Beachwood Correctional Institute for Women

to begin her life imprisonment sentence.

Our woman on the go, Tammi Conklin

attempted to get an interview with the large woman,

but was unsuccessful.

♪

All right, Loden.

It'’s lunchtime.

There'’s the cafeteria.

Don'’t be causing any trouble, or you'’ll be doin'’ solitary.

Yes, ma'’am.

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

Aye, who'’s the newbie?

I don'’t know, they brought her in this mornin'’.

Velma, Ace, go bring her over here.

Big Mama wants a chat with her.

It looks like we got a new guest in our little hotel, girls.

[laughing]

So tell me, Chunk,

whatcha in for?

Big Momma asked you a question, girl, now answer her!

I killed the Slough Queens.

What'’s that?

I didn'’t quite catch ya.

I killed the Slough Queens.

[shocked gasps]

So you'’re the one!

The Beauty Queen Butcher.

I'’ve been waitin'’ for you.

Muffy Fairlane was my daughter!

Get her, girls!

♪

[grunting]

♪

Break it up.

♪

She'’s dead.

Everybody, back to their cells, now!

♪

[sinister laughing]

♪

♪ So you'’re tough and you say you'’re willin'’ ♪

♪ Need a girl who'’s downright chillin'’ ♪

♪ Takes the crown and she makes a killin'’ ♪

♪ Hangs the others out to dry ♪

♪ All of those who teased and slurred her ♪

♪ They will know who sees and hurt her ♪

♪ They'’ll be tongued with a taste for murder ♪

♪ Watch the heifer till she dies ♪

♪ She'’s a beauty queen ♪

♪ A beauty queen butcher

♪ Dressed to kill she'’s the magic catch ♪

♪ Blood red nails, and lips to match ♪

♪ She'’s the beauty queen ♪

♪ The Beauty Queen Butcher

♪ Who could resist the pitch

♪ Of a blood red beauty queen butcher ♪

♪ Bitch

♪

♪ Beauty queen

♪ A beauty queen butcher

♪ Dressed to kill, she'’s the magic catch ♪

♪ Blood red nails and lips to match ♪

♪ She'’s a beauty queen ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ A beauty queen butcher

♪ Who could resist her pitch

♪ Of a blood red beauty queen butcher ♪

♪ Beauty queen ♪