All language subtitles for Shattered Vows (1984)

We better stack the chairs, it's getting
late.

Help me out.

You're never going to last there.

Don't let them break the spirit.

You're beautiful.

When I was 16 years old, I had a calling
to serve God I thought would last the

rest of my life.

My name is Mary Gilligan.

This is my story.

100 miles, 100 miles, 100 miles,

100 miles.

You can hear the whistle blow.

you put names in.

Welcome,

Amy.

Hi,

Pat.

Hi, Andy. How are you?

Hi, Aunt Agnes.

Sister Agnes.

Welcome to the novitiate, Mary. This is
Sister Miriam Rose. She's been assigned

to be your guardian angel.

Sister, welcome.

We'll take care of your trunk.

I'll help.

It's best if we take over from here.

Yes, of course.

You can say goodbye here or in the
parlor.

Here.

Well, I left my bike for you. It's yours
if you want it.

Goodbye, Toots.

I'll miss you.

Bye, Daddy.

Well, I left you all my dresses and the
cardigan you love so much.

And we are... Just we were starting to
be friends.

Oh, I forgot.

Grandma's rosary, I... They won't allow
it.

Oh.

I'll keep it for you.

She's in your hands now.

She's in God's hands.

Is it true she can't come home until
someone dies?

That's enough.

Is it true?

Come on, everyone. Let's go home.

When

we enter

the novitiate, we leave our phone room.

At night, your spread should be folded
in threes, and it should always hang

exactly five inches from the floor.

Now, each morning, all the curtains
should be open fully, and you must never

enter the cubicle during the day without
permission.

Okay. You must never sit at the edge of
the bed.

I'm sorry.

Tomorrow, your formal training will
begin under the guidance of Sister

Carmelita.

I will leave you now, and you will put
on the garb of the postulant.

The bell will announce the afternoon
prayers.

And as you know, the bell is the voice
of God.

Oh, most gracious Mary, forgive my
failures and bless this first step

your son.

On two cubicles down, we can sneak out
in time. You haven't changed a bit.

You have answered Christ's call.

Like him, you must die.

On his altar, you lay the life you might
have lived.

You have left all things to begin to
live in the spirit of the vows.

You will observe profound silence from
the end of recreation at night until

after breakfast in the morning.

You will be taking many classes with the
regular college students.

It goes without saying that since you
are no longer of that world, there will

no intercourse between you and the
secular students.

I'm going out. Hit me, hit me.

Don't you wish we'd gone to a regular
high school with dances and boys? We

that world behind.

We never even dated.

We couldn't. You know they really didn't
want us to.

The temptation is going to kill me.
Don't look.

I've checked your recreation list, and
you're spending too much time with each

other.

A good nun loves others as God loves,
impersonally.

Particular friendships destroy
community.

Yes, sister. Yes, sister.

These are examen beads.

They will enable you to keep a record of
your faults each time you fail.

you will move one to the other side.

For now, as a discipline, you will take
a meal kneeling.

Thank you, sister.

Thank you, sister.

It is a very great thing to be settled
in obedience, to live under a superior

and not be one's own master.

If God is amongst us, We must need
sometimes to give up our own opinion

for the blessing of truth.

Through those first few months, I'd
feared I'd never learn discipline.

But with denial and obedience, I finally
began to conquer my own will.

We are approaching the day you've been
working for, when you will become

novices.

All your thought should be about the
wedding to come, when you will pledge to

Christ a life of service and self
-abnegation.

I can't believe I'll be one of you at
last.

When I came here a year ago, it seemed
like only a dream.

You've done very well.

I'm proud of you.

All these dresses.

And the sisters who wore them before me.

I wish I had seen you.

Did you know I was received in your
mother's wedding dress?

It must have meant so much to her.

I wanted it to.

If we found it...

Then I could wear it too, all three of
us.

I thought you might feel that way, so I
started looking for it.

It's a little worn.

Oh, Gord.

It'll look beautiful.

When the celebration was over, we still
had one final act of sacrifice.

What are you doing?

You've come this far. You can't quit
now.

They wouldn't let me say goodbye to you.

They made me and my folks wait till
night to leave.

They're outside.

Bonnie, how can you be doing this?
Because when I saw those scissors, it

real to me. This place is cutting off my
life.

Don't go. You can't leave. If I don't
get out of here, I'll begin to hate, not

love. Don't you see we're being tested?

They're smothering us.

Only the stubborn, worldly part. No, the
joyful, life -giving part.

Then you're breaking profound silence.

Please don't desert me now.

Good afternoon, sisters.

Good afternoon, sister.

I know you're all anxious to hear how
Vatican II will affect us.

Pope John XXIII called for a religious
renewal.

All orders will reassess and change
according to their own traditions.

It's as if all the windows and doors
have been opened and a fresh wind is

blowing through the church.

Our laws will change, our habits.

We'll come out from behind our walls and
into the modern world.

And you young nuns are the vanguard of
the future.

We don't have to be afraid to let our
friendships nourish us.

We'll have study groups and bring our
feelings out into the open.

We have a lot ahead of us.

So who are we going to be meeting?

Father Timothy. He runs the center.

I almost wish Vatican II would have left
us alone.

But it hasn't. We're going to be coming
here every Saturday.

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, hey, hey, Trevor.

What did I say about running?

Don't. That's what I said.

You see, it's a little bit crazy around
here. We're still getting set up.

Tell you what.

Grab a kid and you'll learn about the
program.

Mary DePaul.

Well, you know, this is a very
attractive thing you got going here.

you put a lot of work into it.

Listen, you hungry?

I know I am.

Me too.

Yeah? Where do you get some food around
here?

Over there.

Want to join me?

Yes. Good.

At Washburn, I saw the beginnings of
what I could accomplish.

But first I would take the vows that
signify the end of my training and my

readiness to go out on mission.

I ask to be permitted to profess my vows
of poverty, chastity,

and obedience as a sister of blessing
for three years.

I was assigned to St.

Josephina's, a teaching convent across
town, where the fresh winds of Vatican

hadn't yet rattled the windows.

Sometimes I think I was born with two
left hands.

Hello, sisters.

I brought you all some ice cream. Thank
you, Father.

I'll go get the dishes.

Perhaps Father Meyer would like a beer.

We were just discussing the building
fund.

We must instill pride in the
parishioners.

Sister, may I be excused?

Sister, Mary DePaul does volunteer work
at Washburn.

Yes, so I understand.

Good work, Sister.

Thank you, Father.

Volunteer work has its place, but not at
the expense of the teacher.

Absolutely not, Father.

be in the grass if I don't have green?

Well, we can make some.

Come on, I'll show you. It's magic.

Okay, everybody, come on around.

Come around. I'll show you how to mix
colors so you can make any color you

I'm going to make green, okay?

Why don't you tell me what some colors
make you feel?

I haven't got one idea.

No? What about you, James?

Well, bright colors make me feel happy.
Oh, that's nice. That's really nice.

Anybody else?

I'm wearing black. Does that make me
scary?

Yeah. How come none of us can't wear
yellow?

You know, I'm going to have to think
about that one. Okay.

There you go.

You can have green now.

You think you can come?

Well, Mike, my teaching schedule, I'll
have to ask permission.

When did you enter the convent?

Oh, yes, I know. You're not supposed to
talk about yourself.

Especially to a man.

I entered the convent prep school at 14,
and then I went straight into the

novitiate. Ooh, they got you, didn't
they? Oh, those pretty nuns, they come

the elementary school?

Their pictures of brides and their
stories of glory.

Well, it's okay.

That's how they got me.

Yeah, I was going to dare to be
different than the other guys.

I was going to change the world, make it
a better place.

And you know what?

We are.

And this is just the beginning.

Why does suffering prove to God that you
love him?

I don't know.

Can't you love God and still be happy?

Clara thinks if she's happy, she'd
better hide behind a tree.

So we won't strike her dead.

We do not.

This is very important, so we will
continue it later.

Think about...

reversing all your ideas about suffering
and substitute them with all your ideas

about joy.

What was this?

I've been reading about some of the new
ideas and sharing them with my students.

You were hired to teach basic Catholic
dogma, not to expound... The kids get

bored with just dry dogma or just
memorizing.

This way, they get excited and they
begin to think for themselves.

The Church and the Pope will let them
know what to think.

You do your job and teach that. But
Vatican II says... I don't need you to

me the significance of Vatican II.

Parents send their children here so we
can knock some sense into them.

But, Father, it's not working.

They stop going to confession. They stop
going to church.

I suggest you forget about theology.

Leave that to the priest.

You just say your prayers and meditate
on Our Lady. She'll teach you all you

need to know.

I will speak with Sister Daniel -Ann and
suggest that you not be allowed to go

on the washroom.

Daryl thinks none should wear yellow.

Yeah.

Color of sunlight.

I'm going back to New York soon.

What about the center?

I'd like you to take it over.

Why me?

I've been thinking about it for a while.

The kids all trust you and the parents
all like you.

I don't know if I can handle all this
alone.

Well, you won't be alone.

You know most of the people and you've
worked with them all.

They'll all help.

I'll talk to Sister Agnes.

We're going to have a community meeting
in a couple of weeks.

I'd like you to be there.

At night?

I have evening prayer.

I will call Sister Daniel Ann, and I'll
take responsibility.

Good night.

Good night. Good to see you.

Good night, Father. Good night.

Thank you.

What do you think?

I'd love to do it.

You must be starving. You haven't eaten.

Well, our community still doesn't permit
our eating with seculars.

Well, you can eat with me.

Let's get some pizza.

Since you're going to be running the
next committee meeting, there's some

that I think you should understand about
this group.

Okay? It's important that you listen to
this.

I mean, it's really important.

Are you listening? Yes. All right?

Now, half the group likes pepperoni. The
other half likes sausage.

You understand that? I'll try to
remember that.

You know how badly I want to do this,
but I do have problems with time and

getting away.

Well, it can all be worked out.

Would you like a beer?

No.

Come on, eat, eat, eat, eat. Use your
hands.

Maybe if I read a description of the
plan and if I give my request.

You trying?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I used to. I might have
been having a little driver's commit

about somewhere.

Well, I hope you do.

You didn't forget how to do this. You're
doing great.

I've got to get permission to renew my
license.

I want to go around the block just one
more time, okay?

You know, when I was a little girl, I
used to know the words to all of the

songs. Really?

Well, never too late.

I better go in.

So you're going on vacation soon.

Yes, I am.

Some parishioners donated a cabin by the
lake.

It's the first time we're all going to
be alone.

Well... Catch this.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Aren't you going to open it?

I don't have to. It's just wonderful
like this. Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

And I agree, it's very nice like that.
But I think it's even nicer on the

inside.

Open it.

It's a radio.

I thought... You thought it was going to
be a prayer book? Yes, I did.

Well, I guess I just knew somehow that
you were...

Want to learn the words to all those new
songs.

I'm going to take it with me. Thank you.

Well, I'll be gone when you get back.

I'll miss you.

Well, you can phone, collect, anytime
you want.

We can write.

We'll be even closer.

Well, I... I really better be getting
in.

I had a lovely time.

I feel exactly the same.

be here yet.

What do you

think of my sweater?

What'll it be?

kidding. They said make ourselves at
home.

Wait. Here. Oh, yeah. Put these on. We
got the best stuff. Here. Oh, thank you.

Well, what do you think?

I have died and gone to heaven.

This is heaven.

Thanks. You're welcome.

I had a boyfriend who used to bring me
to a place like this.

You had a boyfriend?

Yeah, not everybody went to prep school,
you know.

Well, you know what they say.

You've got to live it up before you give
it up.

Oh, is that what they say?

Hey, go easy on that.

Yeah.

Have a water. Cold, but great.

Okay, I'm going in.

Watch it. Remember, sister would say,
girls, it's my duty to warn you about

certain grave dangers that threaten your
soul and body. Oh.

She's bleeding.

This is awful.

What is?

Remember two years ago my mother was
dying?

And I had to choose to either go to her
funeral or be with her when she died.

I wasn't allowed to do both.

And now all the rules have changed and
we have vacations and here we are.

It all seems so tough.

Why was it like that?

Winston, let me go.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to ruin the party.

So, where are the hot dogs?

Right here.

What do you want on it?

Everything. I'm so hungry.

Each time we put on our habit, we said a
prayer.

May this habit protect and shelter me
and shut out the sights and sounds that

might distract me.

This time, I knew it was more than
sunburn causing my pain.

How's the sunburn?

Starting to itch.

Mary, they're not going to let you head
the Washburn project.

I thought everything would be approved.

So did I, but they said no.

You've got to help me. You have to do
something.

I can't go against authority.

But... Father Meyer feels you need more
time teaching.

He's wrong.

I can do this.

That's why I came into the convent. You
came into the convent to serve God.

God, not Father Meyer.

You've got to learn patience, Mary, or
you'll make yourself so unhappy.

I'm sorry.

Who's taking over?

They're sending out a priest.

I can't bear to go back to selling
raffle tickets in the homeroom and

suffocating in the parlor at night.

You have an alternative.

What?

The Archdiocese is offering full
scholarships to nuns and priests who

graduate study in religious education.

Would I qualify?

Easily.

Where would I go?

Fordham University in New York.

Well, think about it and let me know. I
don't have to think about it. I would

love to go.

Everything turn, turn, turn.

There is a season turn, turn, turn.

And a time to every purpose under
heaven.

A time to build up. A time to break
down.

A time to dance.

A time to mourn.

A time to cast away stone.

Hi. Hiya.

I can't believe I'm really here. Yeah,
you really are.

Welcome to New York.

Thank you.

Sorry I couldn't meet you.

You look great.

So do you.

Yeah? Yeah.

I was sure you'd be fat from eating all
those Paris ladies' cookies.

Hi.

Hi. This is Sister Louise.

Sister?

Yes. Hello.

Hello. I boarded St. Albans, too, and
it's so nice to have you here. Thank you

very much.

Well, let me help with the bed. No, no,
no, forget it. Okay, all right.

You look terrific.

Oh, thank you. I thought I'd fit in
better if I changed a modified habit.

I would love for you to meet some
people.

Don and Mark are from Michigan.

She's a sister of Mercy. He's a Jesuit.

And you'll be taking Todd's course,
right? Right.

Well, you might as well meet him and the
rest of the family.

Terrific. I really love it here.

So different. It is. On the board, you
have a free piece here. I'm thinking.

Hi. None.

Priest, psychologist, mother, child.

I'm the priest.

Hi, I'm Sister Mary DePaul.

Hi. She used to work with Tim at
Washburn. Oh, yeah. I've heard you guys

great work there.

Oh, thank you. Sit down. All right, you
two. Who's winning this game? I'm having

some major problems. It's all part of
the strategy. Part of the strategy.

It's an ongoing battle, okay?

I'm going to move this.

It's only one space at a time. You don't
have a chance.

For me? For me?

Sitting there in the sun with new
friends, I wondered how I could ever

believed it was wrong to feel this good.

Now, how many of you out there are not
psychology majors?

Okay, for those of you who are, I run
groups and do counseling with troubled

kids who can't afford the help.

I'm always looking for volunteers.
There's a lot of kids out there that

help.

Now, in this course, we are going to
challenge all of your rules.

We're going to attack your innermost and
sacred ideas.

And if you don't run into thoughts that
scare you, then the course isn't

working.

As you may have noticed, there's an
intellectual revolution going on on this

campus.

Abraham, children's son.

They said, man, you're cooking me on.

They said, run.

You can do it.

Make a sign when you see me coming.

You better run.

They said, when you want it, get it
done. It's got it on Highway

61.

Keep on until we get them to change the
rules.

Oh, no, I am all for that. But if you
tell them that he wasn't always required

to breathe, well, at least it's the 16th
century.

Yeah, what's the bad time for a change?
Mark's joined a group that's working to

make celibacy optional again. Oh, I
cannot imagine anything like this

Well, it better. Too many people want to
serve God and have a life of their own.

I'm telling you, if they don't change,
people will just keep leaving.

Leaving? We just got here.

Not the party. Our orders.

Well, go ahead out and have a good time.
Come on, Lee. Let's find out.

Mary,

did you get something to eat? I'm fine
with that.

Good. Oh, Todd, I was wondering about
your groups. Remember you were talking

about them in class? Mm -hmm.

Thanks. It was terrific, but we're
leaving.

Oh, Susan, I want to talk to you about
something.

Mary, can I talk to you later? Yes.

I'd like that.

volunteer to teach?

Because I don't think it's enough just
to get kids to read. I want to deal with

what causes their difficulty, what keeps
them stuck.

Are you aware that religions are turned
off by most of these kids? Oh, Todd, I'm

not going to try and conflict them.

You ever had any conflict?

Or done any?

Well, I've worked with a few kids and
I've taken some psych courses.

Tell me, what do you know about the
world?

Not much. Then why should I say yes?

Because I care.

And I think I'd be very good at it.
Anyway, you work for free and you can

use the volunteers.

I'll give her a reference.

You okay?

You got some hungry people out there.
All right, it's coming.

It's coming.

And I'm not very big on degrees.

Kids have to approve of a new counselor.

Are you willing to put yourself on the
line?

Yes. They'll be tough on you. Okay, I
understand that.

show up Saturday.

You decided to be a nun in the eighth
grade?

Well, sort of.

I entered the convent prep school to
find out. It's like a boarding school,

except in a convent. How old were you?

Fourteen.

Fourteen!

That means you've never been out or
anything. No guy, nothing.

You never wanted to have fun?

Yeah. I wanted to commit myself to
helping others.

To me, a nun was something special. And
safe?

No, no.

People think that we lead such a
sheltered life, but we worked hard for

everything.

Besides our schoolwork, we helped out in
the bakery.

And the cannery. And we cleaned the
dorms when the regular students left.

of course, we prayed. Have you ever been
alone?

No. On your own?

No. My mother dumped me when I was 10.

By the time I was 14, I was pregnant.

You've been locked up since you were 14.
You don't have a clue about where I'm

coming from.

But I could understand.

Oh, and what?

Tell me I should have taken the pill? Or
had an abortion?

Well, I couldn't go against my religion.

Hey, that's another world out there.

You don't have to be sick yourself to
cure people. It sounds like some kind of

rule you learned. Yeah, we're talking
about feeling.

Like love.

Yeah, loneliness and fear.

What makes you think I don't feel those
things? Because you've got this sign

that excuses you from real life.

Nobody gets excused.

Not even a nun.

I know as much about loneliness and
feelings as you do.

Why does that make you angry?

I'm not angry. I just didn't come here
to defend being a nun.

I think you feel threatened because we
won't let you have your big...

You okay?

Now, can you see this all the way?

I'm not a quitter.

Mary, whatever happens here today, my
advice to you is to take care of your

life.

will know that I am gone.

You can hear the whistle blow a hundred
miles,

a hundred miles, a hundred miles, a

hundred miles, a hundred miles.

You can hear

I'm just glad you came.

So they're pretty rough on you.

I've never been through anything like
that before.

Well, I think that's exciting.

I do.

I think you needed a crisis.

What does that mean?

Well, sometimes I think we put ourselves
in situations where we're forced to

learn something.

I don't know what I'm learning.

I have so many new friends. I have my
new classes.

How did I stay silent for so long?

I'm so excited about everything.

And I'm... I'm so confused.

Are you thinking about leaving?

No.

Mary, I've watched you grow so much.

That means it's the first day you walked
into Washburn.

And I realize that didn't even help.

It's probably inevitable.

Will you think I'm a failure?

Never.

All my life, I have known exactly what I
wanted to do.

I have followed set courses.

And now I'm asking questions and I don't
know the answers.

I just don't know anything anymore.

I just realized something.

You're not looking down anymore.

You look me right in the eye.

Is that okay?

Honestly, I liked it better when you
observed custody in the eyes.

I got to watch you in private.

But you know what?

It's more than okay.

It's a privilege.

I went home at Christmas, still
searching.

And found a new friend.

My sister.

Oh, Mary.

So good to talk to you.

It's good to talk to you.

Now, I know you're worried about what
Mom and Dad are doing.

They should be.

Because they love you.

Thanks.

I never thought we'd have you back with
us like this ever again.

Well, it could be like this from now on.

I'm leaving the convent.

You're leaving?

You've wanted to be a nun ever since you
were a little girl.

Mom, back then it seemed like there were
only two choices.

Marriage or...

serving God and doing good in the world.
Your mother and I have been serving God

all our lives.

Exactly. And once I went out on mission,
I began to see all these choices and

people just like you and Mom, with
children and real lives and still

Have you talked to Sister Agnes?

I wanted to come to this decision on my
own.

I thought coming home would help.

And it has.

You still get up at night?

It's quiet, I can think.

Mom.

Please talk to me.

Don't let me go without knowing how you
feel.

I've been remembering the day you told
me.

You came home from school.

I was in the kitchen and you said, I
think I have to call you.

I was 14. I didn't know a lot about
life.

You were received. I was so proud of
you.

I can be all those things that make you
proud and still have a life.

What you said about the marriage or the
convent, that was true in those days.

Here in a small town, that's all there
was.

When I was young, I thought of becoming
a nun.

Why stopped you?

I was too afraid.

Did Daddy ever know?

I was over it by the time I met him.

But Agnes knew.

And she did it.

She was like you.

She had her own ideas.

She was stubborn and... You were more
like her daughter than mine.

You admired her so.

I still do. She's very special.

I was so jealous.

I don't know how many Hail Marys I said
because of that sin.

Mom.

If I pushed you into it without
realizing... It was my fault.

Your fault?

If you've been unhappy all these years
because of me?

Oh, Mom.

You didn't push me.

And I... I wasn't unhappy.

I have...

A lot of wonderful memories from the
convent. I'll always treasure them.

Good to have you home.

I'd forgotten the silence.

It's here.

So are we if you need us.

Here are the clothes you came to us in.

Seems so long ago.

Sister Carmelita will be your witness.

The papers you signed today release you
from your vows and sever your

relationship with the Sisters of
Blessing.

Mary, the Order wanted you to have this
money to help you get started in the

world.

Thank you.

I wish you the best, Mary.

We are losing so many of you.

I guess we didn't understand soon
enough.

God bless you.

I'll leave you to change your clothes
now One of the sisters will drive you to

the station You'll forgive us if we miss
you

You're my first guest.

Well, what do you think?

It's nice.

Boy, you look nice. Thank you.

Well, take a look around the apartment.
I'll go get some coffee.

I couldn't decide what color to paint
it, so I just painted it white.

How's the teaching going?

Good. So far, none of my students have
managed to kill each other. I've gotten

three paychecks. I have a checkbook and
an ID.

So you see, I'm surviving out here in
the real world.

Sit down.

I never had any doubts about you.

Have you ever had your own apartment?

No, never.

No, first I was in seminary and ever
since then in rectories.

You know, sometimes at night, I really
miss knowing that there are sisters in

the rooms all around me.

Well, you know there are support groups
of former nuns and priests.

I would be an ex -nun.

Oh, I see you're just going to march out
into the world.

I did just march out into the world.

Oh, I forgot. I made cookies, just like
the parish ladies.

I can't speak.

I knew I couldn't, but I wanted to come
over and see the apartment anyway.

I'm headed up to Boston on a retreat.

Oh.

So I better get home. Thank you.

Okay.

I'll call you when I get back. Okay.
Have a good retreat.

Thanks.

I'm going to check what I'm trying to
say.

You

look

sensational.

Thanks.

Well, I decided to take your advice.

I still feel a little strange.

Well, Katie, how's it going?

Well, I hope your dad's selling a lot of
tickets because we're selling a lot of

beers. All right. My feet are killing
me.

I don't see Donna or Louise.

They'll be here later.

Look, have fun. No, wait, Todd. Todd,
don't leave me here alone.

You won't be for long.

Like a complete unknown.

Yeah,

I am a little.

Well, I got the perfect year for that.

Usually about this time of the night, I
like to go for a nice walk.

Get some fresh air.

Want to go?

I just got here.

How about a half an hour?

How about an hour? An hour?

Okay, that gives us time for a drink and
a dance.

My name is Rick Hamilton.

I'm Mary Gilligan.

She takes just like a woman.

Yes, she does. She makes love just like
a woman.

Yes, she does. She takes just like a
woman.

But she makes just like a little girl.

I need to see Fran.

Are you sure?

Okay.

I'll see you around.

She's like all the rest with a fly that
means

she tastes just like

a woman.

Yes, she makes love just like a woman.

Yes, she does. And she eats just like a
woman.

But she breaks.

Just like a little girl.

Tim! Hi.

Isn't this great?

I got it at the Salvation Army for my
birthday.

Oh, speaking of your birthday.

You remembered.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

How was Boston?

Fine.

Phil, you want to come celebrate with
me? It is my first birthday as Mary

Gilligan since entering the convent.

We could rent you a bike, have a picnic.

Mary... I can't see you anymore.

What?

I don't know.

I've thought about it so much.

It's so hard.

But you no longer live with a vow of
celibacy.

But you do. I would never try to change
that. It's me. It's not you. It's my

confusion.

In the past, all our feelings for each
other we put into our work and into

helping people.

Mary, I am 30 years old.

I've never been with a woman.

I marry people. I believe in the union
of man and woman.

And yet I've made a choice in my life.

When I saw you in your apartment,
everything was possible for you and not

me.

Why didn't you tell me that I would lose
you?

I can't believe God would... I can't
believe you would really want this.

It's a deal I made, and I live with it.

That's who I am.

And that's it?

That's all?

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

You were my friend, my teacher.

You opened up a whole new world for me
and now I'm out here alone and you

me. I am not deserting you. Yes, you
are. You encouraged me. You sent me so

mixed signals. What were you doing?

I don't know.

Well, I do.

It was fine as long as I was the little
nun and you were the priest bringing

enlightenment.

But now I'm an equal.

And you're afraid of that.

Tim, I love you.

And I can admit that and I can be...

You can try and save the entire world,
but you can't have one close

relationship?

Go ahead.

Hide behind your collar.

Don't worry. You're safe with me.

Hello.

Is this Rick Hamilton?

Uh, is this...

Rick Hamilton, who went to a benefit a
couple months ago at the Village Cafe?

Then, hello.

We met there.

Oh, I know. It was a long time ago.

I'm not sure you're going to remember
me.

Mary Gilligan.

You do?

Terrific.

Be careful of the rims, Chet.

Okay. Cheers.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Why don't I put on a record?

Oh, I don't have a player.

You don't have a player?

You must not have been here very long.

Well, um, I guess I'll put dinner on.

Do we have to eat this early?

No. No? I guess not.

Okay. I have to.

Okay.

Hold it.

All right. I'm an easy guy. What's the
problem?

What?

You're my first dinner guest.

That's it?

Well, then relax. I'm not into cooking.

I've never been with a man.

Been where?

Anywhere. On a date.

When you kissed me that night, that was
the first time.

You're joking, right?

No.

Where have you been?

In a convent.

In a convent?

I was a nun.

You mean in one of those, uh... It's
called a habit.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I know.

Is this you?

Yes.

That was taken the summer before I went
in.

To the convent.

This is your boyfriend.

My brother, Pat.

Yeah, he's too young to be your
boyfriend.

What's JMJ stand for?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

We used to put that on top of all of our
letters and pictures.

Laura, a really beautiful girl.

And a very nice one, too. I mean that.

But, um... I think I ought to leave.

I'm not a nun anymore.

I know, I know.

But... It's a problem for you.

Well, I guess it is.

I'm ready to start.

I'd really like to work with you. I can
give you three nights a week. Whoa,

whoa. What about once a week, beginning
the first of the month?

Well, I was hoping it could be a little
bit sooner.

Well, there is this new kid, Trish
Reardon.

I wanted her to work separately with
someone before coming in as a group.

You can join together.

Great. When do I start?

How about Thursday?

I'll be there.

Oh, and Mary? In the meantime, my advice
to you is to go easy on her.

I've been to the other one.

The other council.

Well, Todd thought it might be better if
you worked with me for a while.

What do you think about when you come in
here and don't talk?

Things.

What things?

Things you'll never know about.

Look, I don't need to know your secrets.

But you do.

Well, do you have secrets?

Yeah.

There's a few things that I don't tell
too many people.

Why don't you tell me one?

If I tell you something about myself,
you tell me something about yourself.

Deal?

Deal.

When I was about your age,

I packed all my bags, gave all my
dresses to my sister, my bike to my

went off to a convent to become a nun.

I'm not you.

Yeah.

Now you tell me something.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for you to come home.

Well, you could have called.

I threw away your number.

I've been unlisted.

I've been thinking about you, Mary.

How about dinner?

I owe you.

No, you don't. You never ate.

Come on. This is great Chinese food.

Are you kidding?

It's unbelievable.

I worked it all this way. I won't take
no for an answer. Come on, open the

Okay. Okay.

Come on in.

This is a lot of food.

Well, I didn't want you to go hungry.

Mary, I want to apologize for the other
night. I'm really sorry about that.

Don't be.

I made my first dinner. I got stood up.
I'm turning into a regular girl.

Why'd you tell me?

I guess I was scared.

You were scared?

Yeah, well, I guess I was a little
scared to take the responsibility.

Do you feel responsible for me?

I don't know.

Yes.

Yes. Well, look, don't worry about it.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I'm
looking for my first boyfriend, not my

last.

Good.

You know what I'm looking for?

No. What?

I am looking for... a left fielder.

Ever play baseball?

No. You never played baseball? What are
you doing next Sunday morning?

Going to church like I do every Sunday
morning.

Oh, no, no. Baseball's much more fun.

Yeah, but I can sleep in church.

Yeah, but you can pray in the field.

Can I do that?

Anytime.

Okay, walk me to the door.

Now, we have a date.

Next Sunday, 9 o 'clock. Breakfast and
baseball. Okay.

How are your eggs?

They were good. Good, good.

Good.

It's time for us to play ball. Come on.
Let's go. Ready?

Yeah. You want some more eggs? No. No.

Oh, no.

Are you playing the race?

These are very big crops.

They won't last very long.

Well, what are we going to do in the
meantime?

We're in the dugout.

You should say a prayer to tell me to
pick something up.

to do something you're the one with
experience.

I asked my love to take a walk. Sorry
I'm late.

It's okay.

Want to go to the table? To take a walk.

Just a little walk.

Down beside where the water flows.

Down by the river.

I thought you went back to the mother's
house. No.

for a couple of days.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rick. This is Louise.

Hi, how are you?

I'm Mark.

Hi, how are you? I'm going to get some
drinks and a table for us.

Excuse me.

You are coming to the wedding?

What wedding?

We did it. Mark and I left our orders.
I'm going back to St. John's to make the

arrangements. We just couldn't live like
that anymore.

Congratulations. That's wonderful.

Congratulations, Mark.

We'll win soon.

Wait, I'll write it all out for you.
You've got to be there. Of course. Are

kidding? She's so happy.

And Tim, Tim's going to do the service.

What a perfect choice.

Well, how are you?

I'm fine.

I'm starting a washburn -type program up
in the Bronx.

That's terrific.

Here's the address and date.

See you there.

Much happiness. Thanks.

Hi.

We can get a booth if we wait a little
bit. Oh, Rick, this is Father Tim, an

friend of mine.

Rick Hamilton.

Pleasure to meet you, Father Tim. Hi.

Well, I guess I...

You're going.

Hi. Rick.

Nice meeting you.

Donna and Mark are getting married. I
heard.

That's great.

You want to get a seat?

Well,

you certainly

didn't talk much during dinner.

No, I wasn't very hungry.

I didn't say you didn't eat. I said you
didn't talk.

What do you want me to say?

Well, why not start with the truth?

What are you talking about?

That guy in there, Father Tim?

Yeah.

He's the one that signed your books,
right?

Right.

Well, were you in love with him or what?

It wasn't like that.

Well, what was it like? Oh, come on.
What is this? My life's history? Can we

just change the subject, please? No.

Damn it.

Mary, I want you to stop running and
take a look at yourself.

No, no, no. Don't look down. Look at me,
Mary, and confront this.

Since we've been together, I've sensed
that there's been something going on.

I don't know.

Underneath.

At first, I thought it was all this
religious stuff.

Were you trying to go out and make a new
life for yourself? I don't know.

I saw your face when we were in there
with him.

Hey, Mary.

We're not just lovers. We're good
friends, too, right?

Rick.

Save the world.

Educate children.

Spread love.

What happened?

She was still doing it, and I left.

And got involved with me.

Having fun and sex.

You said no hang -ups.

Nothing left over.

It's not that simple.

When Donna told me that... Everything
came

back.

I just don't think that I can go and
watch that wedding.

It's just too late for me to change the
subject.

I always thought I was one of God's
faithful.

That when others failed, I'd remain.

I went back to the one place where I
thought I could find an answer.

Mary, think back.

Remember how you struggled with your
vows and your feelings?

Yeah, I know.

I see it with the kids I work with.

They rebel, strike out, hurt what they
love most.

A lot of times they want to be stopped
and pulled back.

Have someone show them they're loved in
spite of it.

Is that why you're here? You want us to
pull you back?

No, I don't know.

Was I just testing to see how much love
I could count on?

Sounds more like a severe attack of
guilt to me.

I just want to be sure I didn't leave
for the wrong reasons.

Then examine your heart.

See us clearly without any false
sentiment.

We've made mistakes.

We have a lot to undo, a lot to learn
about joy and pleasure.

We don't want your guilt.

They might even want your help someday.

I really did believe I had the calling.

He's still calling, Mary.

Maybe he just called you here for a
little while and gave you what he

Take this ring as a sign of my love and
fidelity.

In the name of the Father, and of the
Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

I was afraid you wouldn't come.

Bart. I called, but I couldn't reach
you.

I went back to St.

Raphael's.

Why?

I was angry.

Hurt.

When Donna told me that night, I
couldn't help.

thinking that it should be us.

So I thought that I just couldn't watch
you marry them.

But you did.

I did.

I have thought a lot about what you said
that day.

And you were right.

I do hide.

And I am afraid.

And I am trying to change that.

As a priest.

And I am so grateful for my feelings for
you.

I can't imagine being without them.

You did love me.

How could I not love you?

You know, if these were the old days,
I'd ask for a blessing.

Well, they're not the old days.

What about you blessing me?

I never saw Tim again.

Soon after Mark and Donna's wedding, I
moved to California to continue my work

as a psychologist.

There I met my husband.

In 1970, we were married in the chapel
when my mother and grandmother had been

married.

We now have two children.

And when my kids ask about faith in God,
I tell them simply that it means loving

the best way we can.