Original subtitles

- ♪ MTV ♪

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- [humming]

- Took you long enough, dumbass.

Where's our nachos? [chuckles]

- I didn't get nachos, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

I got this instead.

Yeah, see?

[chuckles] Check it out.

- What did you do that for, butthole?

I wanted nachos. - I don't know.

I just saw these, and, um, I've never had them before,

you know, and they looked pretty good.

[chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis.

Well, let me try them, and I'll deal with you later.

[chuckles]

- That's what I'm talking about, mm-hmm.

Good stuff, yeah.

[chuckles] Excellent.

[chuckles]

- God damn it, Beavis.

[chuckles] These things are terrible.

They're like vegetables or something.

[chuckles]

- No, no, no, they're really good.

Yeah, mmm.

Yeah, it's great how they, um, kind of make your lips tingle.

You know what I'm saying?

See? [chuckles]

- Uh, no, they don't.

[chuckles] - Yeah, they do.

[chuckles] I can barely feel my lips at all.

[chuckles] Yeah, delicious.

[chuckles]

- Uh, Beavis?

[chuckles] - Yeah?

What?

[chuckles] Mmm, so good.

[chuckles]

- Uh, you, like, got ugly or something.

[chuckles] I mean, you were always pretty ugly, though, so,

never mind, I guess.

- Butt-Head, can you help me get these nuts out of here?

My hands don't fit in the can anymore for some reason.

[sighs] Oh, well.

I guess I'll just pour them in there.

[chuckles] Mm-hmm.

Tastes so good, my tongue's getting big.

[coughs] It's just filling up my entire...

[coughing]

my entire throat.

- It's filling your entire what?

Beavis, you ugly son of a bitch.

How am I supposed to know what you're talking about

if I can't understand a word you're saying?

- Mmm.

[coughs] So good.

[gags]

- Uh-- oh, well.

Now I'll never know what his tongue was filling up.

[chuckles] I'm gonna go get some nachos.

[chuckles]

-♪ I met a guy in the summer ♪

♪ And I left him in the spring ♪

♪ He argued with me about everything ♪

♪ He had an ego and a temper and a wandering eye ♪

♪ He said he's 6 foot 2 ♪

- Huh.

Some of these girls look like Olivia Rodrigo, you know?

Like that one.

See, and that one.

See what I'm saying?

- Uh, they're all Olivia Rodrigo, dumbass.

[chuckles]

- Whoa, really?

Now, see, her putting herself in this video

over and over again like that, it's

like taking jobs away from, like, 20 other hot chicks.

It's not fair.

- Yeah, really.

[chuckles] It's messed up.

- You know, it's hard enough for hot chicks to get jobs.

I mean, just look around.

They never seem to be working.

[chuckles]

- That's right.

[chuckles] Because hot chicks have a "smegma"

attached to them or something.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because society has "smegmatized" them.

And then they have to, like, be a hot chick for, like,

50 years just to afford a house.

[chuckles]

- That's right, Beavis.

And hot chicks take the jobs that most Americans

aren't willing to do.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[chuckles]

- [chuckles] Job.

[both chuckling]

- You know-- you know, in all seriousness, you know,

if I, like, had a clone, I'm pretty

sure I could kick his ass.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] The only thing you'd beat is your meat.

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

I just thought of something else.

So like, if I had a clone and then the clone sat on his hand

until it was numb, and then he spanked my monkey,

then it would feel like someone else, yeah.

[chuckles]

- Damn it, Beavis.

You're a genius.

[chuckles] We got to get cloned.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, as soon as possible.

[chuckles]

[distant siren wailing]

- Now, you went into what's called anaphylactic shock.

You're lucky it only took an hour for someone to find you

and call 911.

- Yeah, that's cool, yeah.

[chuckles]

- I think you may have had an adverse reaction to nuts.

- [chuckles] Yeah, nut.

Yeah, I like to nut, you know.

[chuckles] It's one of my passions.

You know what I'm saying?

[chuckles] Nut.

- Now, did you have any nuts today?

- As a matter of fact, I did.

[chuckles] It was in the shower.

You know, I kind of use the shower curtain

and some conditioner, you know.

[chuckles]

- Huh.

How often are you having nuts?

- Oh, I don't know.

Sometimes, like, four or five nuts a day or something.

[chuckles]

- And when you have a nut, how do you feel?

- Oh, I mean, you know, good.

That's why I do it. Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Interesting.

- These questions are weird.

[chuckles]

- I'm afraid what's happening here

is you're allergic to nuts.

- What?

[chuckles]

- It appears to be a very serious nut allergy.

And I'm going to need you to cut out nuts altogether.

- No way.

Are you serious?

- Very.

If you have another nut, you could die.

- No!

No!

- You're going to be OK as long as you are

very careful to avoid nuts.

- OK, can I have a nut if it's with a chick?

- Absolutely not.

- This sucks!

What if I nut on accident 'cause-- 'cause Megan Pisarchik

bends over or something?

- Look, you just have to be very careful.

I would avoid even touching a nut.

- I don't want to do that.

That's disgusting!

[chuckles]

- If it makes you feel any better,

I'm allergic to nuts myself.

And I haven't had a nut for over 20 years.

- Why would that make me feel better?

That you're a wuss?

God damn it!

- It drives my wife crazy because she loves nuts but

can't have them in the house.

- This is the worst day of my life!

Damn it!

Butt-Head,

I can never spank my monkey again.

And I can never score or I will die.

[chuckles]

- Uh, really?

- Yes, it's true.

[chuckles]

- Uh, then I guess your nads are only

good for one thing, Beavis.

[chuckles] - What's that?

- [grunts]

- Ahh! Why do they still have to hurt?

[somber operatic music]

[girls giggling]

- I wish we could wear our skirts shorter.

- Don't even look, Beavis, unless you want to die.

♪ ♪

Just keep walking.

It's the only way to survive.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, are you OK?

Your name is Baxter, right?

- Eh, it doesn't matter.

[chuckles]

- I just joined the Highland Teen Outreach Program,

and you look like you might be depressed.

- Yeah.

The doctor gave me some very bad news.

Very bad.

[chuckles]

- Oh, no.

The same thing happened to my aunt because she smoked.

- Your aunt can't spank her monkey?

- Baxter, I just want you to know if you need support,

Teen Outreach is here for you.

- Boi-oi-oi. No!

No! Help! Help!

I don't want to die! No, no!

I'm sorry I got a boner.

No!

Help! [chuckles]

- Well, Beavis, you almost died five times today.

[chuckles]

- Oh, boy.

[chuckles]

- Every day for the rest of your life

is going to be like this.

[chuckles] You have nothing to live for.

- No way, Butt-Head!

There's still, like, things I can enjoy.

Like, mixed nuts are good.

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.

They never hurt anybody, you know?

- Oh, yeah.

Those weren't so bad after all.

- [coughing]

[yelling, coughing]

Tasty.

- Uh-- oh, well.

More for me.

[chuckles]

- [choking] Pretty good.

[whimsical militaristic music]

♪ ♪

- War is hell.

That's what they tell you.

But sometimes, even in the middle of a war,

there can blossom the tender flower they call love.

[light orchestral music]

I was in the hospital after being injured while doing

routine maintenance on a Jeep during the Battle

of Bloody Ridge.

♪ ♪

Nurse?

Nurse?

♪ ♪

Are you my nurse?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, I just wanted to tell you,

somebody didn't set up this IV right.

See, an IV depends on gravity to push

the fluid through the tubing.

So you have to hang your fluid supply at least three feet

above the patient's heart or you won't have enough pressure

for the fluid to fully infuse into the vein.

Now, somebody probably told you to get more flow,

all you need to do is loosen that clamp.

And sure, that'll raise your drip rate up to a point,

but at the end of the day, what's going to get it done

is gravitational pressure.

And what happened to that nurse?

Well, I made her my wife.

- Mm-hmm.

- But that's a tale for the next "

"Tom Anderson's War Stories."

[chuckles]

[whimsical militaristic music]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- [grunting]

[sighs] Magnet fishing kicks ass.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Now, pull up something good this time, dumbass,

like a rusty gun or, like, gold.

- Whoa!

Whoa, Butt-Head.

I got something big.

[grunting]

[both grunting]

- Ahh!

Augh!

Butt-Head, it's crushing my--

my ribs.

- Stop fooling around with the magnet, dumbass.

We're trying to make some money here.

Guh!

Uh! Uh!

It's stuck to my pacemaker.

[groans]

- Whoa, cool.

- I don't feel so good.

- What's a pacemaker even do anyway?

- Where am I?

All I can see is a dot.

Ugh.

- Come on.

Quit hogging the magnet.

[grunting]

[water splashes]

- [groaning]

- Whoa.

Whoa, I got something good, Butt-Head.

Whoa!

[chuckles] Whoa, check it out, Butt-Head.

This is my bike from when I was a kid!

It was a present from my mom's new boyfriend

so I wouldn't tell her about his other family.

Yeah.

[chuckles] Here's where I scratched my name on the paint.

See?

[chuckles] Beavis.

You liked it too, remember?

[dreamy harp music]

- It sucks.

[chuckles]

- You're just jealous because I got a present.

[chuckles]

- No, I'm not.

I'm, like, happy for you or something.

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

- And then one day, someone stole it.

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Someday I'm going to find out who it was.

And I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life

to kicking their ass.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Beavis, I have something I need to tell you.

- Yeah?

What is it?

- It was Stewart.

[chuckles]

- Stewart.

[ominous music]

- ♪ Can we go back to how it was ♪

♪ Before my pride got ♪

- What's going on with this girl?

She looks kind of weird.

[chuckles]

- Uh, that's not a girl.

It's Kid Laroi.

[chuckles]

- No, I mean the other girl.

The blonde one, you know?

[chuckles] Something's, uh-- something's going on.

- Uh, I think, like, this is LA.

And they say, like, people in LA are all plastic.

They get their faces shot full of brobloxin.

[chuckles] It works, though, because I bet she's, like, 50.

[chuckles]

- Whoa.

[chuckles] I think she's, like, not real.

[chuckles]

- Uh-- oh, yeah.

She's, like, a love doll.

[chuckles]

- Oh, really?

What do you mean?

- Yeah, she's just, like, a life-sized doll.

And you can do whatever you want to her.

[chuckles]

- Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

So you can do whatever you want?

[chuckles] - Yep.

[chuckles] - Wait, wait.

This is against the law, right?

[chuckles]

- No, I don't think so.

[chuckles]

- And how much does one of those things cost?

[chuckles]

- Uh, I don't know.

I think they're expensive.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yep.

[chuckles] Wait a minute.

Maybe I could, like, make one.

What are these things made of?

- Uh, I don't know--

plastic or something?

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah!

We could, like, get a bunch of plastic and melt it all down

and make one of those things.

It can't be that hard.

- Uh, it seems pretty hard.

[chuckles] You've gotta, like, mold a bunch of plastic

into something that looks like a chick.

[chuckles]

- It doesn't need to look that much like a chick.

In fact, for what I have in mind,

it doesn't need to look like a chick at all.

All we got to do is, uh--

well, let me see.

All it really needs is one thing.

[chuckles] Get this here.

OK.

Yeah, see, we got all these plastic bottles.

[chuckles] I knew there was a reason we didn't recycle.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[bottles clattering]

Where'd you put the scissors, Butt-Head?

- Uh, I don't know.

[bottles clattering]

- Get these.

A drill maybe.

[drill whirring]

Drill. [chuckles]

- Beavis, if you're going to put a hole in this couch,

I'm kicking your ass.

- Oh.

[chuckles] Oh, OK.

Yeah, I'll think of something else.

[chuckles] Oh, I know.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the microwave.

Yeah, check this out.

[microwave keypad beeping]

[microwave whirring]

- Uh, Beavis?

- [coughs]

- It smells like plastic's burning.

- [coughing] Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it is.

It's melting.

Check it out.

[coughs] Fire! Fire!

[coughs] I'm just gonna take this.

Just set this here.

Let me get my pants.

Now, just, uh-- just shape it to my schlong, see?

Come to papa.

Ahh!

- [chuckles] Dumbass.

- Ow.

Ah!

God damn it.

There's Stewart's house.

Goddamn dirty butthole.

[doorbell rings] Stupid son of a bitch.

Stole my bike.

- That's right.

He sure did.

When he opens this door, you should kick his ass.

[chuckles]

- Beavis and Butt-Head?

You finally came over to visit.

- Damn you, Stewart!

I'm going to kick your ass because you stole--

- You want to come in for a beer?

- A beer? Yeah, OK.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

Sure, yeah.

Beer would hit the spot, yeah.

[chuckles]

- This is what it's all about, right?

- Mmm.

- Beers with your best friends from high school.

I mean, I'm not a big drinker, but Kaitlyn made some

of her famous cucumber water.

- Are there any more beers?

- No, uh, sorry, guys.

I think that's it.

- That's enough, Stewart!

There's a time in a man's life when he's

not going to take it anymore!

So today, I'm going to kick your fat ass--

- This is just like old times.

Let's get some pizza.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, pizza sounds cool.

Yeah. OK, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buy us some pizza.

[chuckles]

- Man, we had some good times.

Hey, remember when you locked me in the closet

and forgot I was in there?

You guys, always giving me the business--

- Shut up, butthole!

It's finally time to kick your ass--

- Oh, Kaitlyn's home from the pool.

- OK, yeah, let's check out what your wife looks

like in a bathing suit.

That'd be cool. Yeah.

- Ooh, good idea.

[chuckles]

- Kaitlyn, honey, look who finally came over to visit me.

- Oh, you must be Beavis and Butt-Head, Stewart's friends.

Stewart's told me so much about how you were the three amigos.

You know he talks about you constantly?

So, what brings you by?

- Um, wait, why would we ever come here?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Stewart, you stole my bike.

- This bike?

- That's right, butthole.

- Yeah.

Kick his ass.

[chuckles]

- Oh, no, you're misremembering.

That's not what happened.

[dreamy harp music]

- Check out Beavis's bike.

I'm going to throw it in the river.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

- But that's friendship, huh?

People giving you the business.

- Damn it!

I'm gonna kill you, Butt-Head.

[lamp shattering]

- [chuckles] - Ahh!

- Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna stick that

up your butt sideways.

- [yelling]

- You like that, damn son of a bitch?

[both shouting]

- I've hated you for 30 years!

I'm gonna kill you! Ahh!

- Damn it, Beavis. - Ahh!

- Don't worry, Kaitlyn.

I'll kick--

[grunting]

- Guys, do you want some mini quiches?

Kaitlyn made them for her book club,

but you can have them if you want.

- What? Huh?

Oh, no, no.

No, I'm stuffed.

We ate a bunch of those little cheese pies in the fridge.

Yeah.

- They sucked.

[grunts]

- Ahh! - Ugh!

[both grunting] - Guys?

Hey, guys.

Honey, I'm trying.

- Damn it.

[both grunting]

[both sighing]

- Uh, sorry about that.

[chuckles]

- Do you have any more beer?

[chuckles]

- Is it OK if I sit in the back with Beavis and--

- No.

- Thank you, Stewart's wife.

Drive through.

- Listen, Kaitlyn and I are really upset about the--

mostly great hang, guys.

Maybe next time at your place.

- Uh, no.

[chuckles]

- Classic.

You guys.

[tires squealing]

- [chuckles] Stewart sucks.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, really.

[chuckles] Hey, Butt-Head, I think

we got enough coins out of the river to get the bike fixed.

- Uh, that means it's enough money to buy beer

with, dumbass.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, beer rules.

[grunts]

You're a good friend, Butt-Head.

[chuckles]

- You're damn right.

[rock music]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.