Original subtitles

ALARM BLARES, STOPS

I don't remember setting an alarm.

HE GRUNTS

MUSIC: Born To Be Ready by Tristan Ivemy

COCK CROWS Oh.

This programme contains some strong language

Mm?

Oh.

Uh. THUMP!

CUTLERY WHOOSHES

Oh...

Huh!

CRUNCHING, GROAN

Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Yah!

Oh! DING!

Oh! HE INHALES DEEPLY

Fuck off!

Morning, world!

Nothing like fresh air.

DOG YAPS Ooh - Staffordshire terrier.

How do I know dog breeds?!

HE CHUCKLES

# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling

# I get weak in the knees

# My poor old head is a-reelin'

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Here I go, falling down, down, down

# My mind is a blank

# My head is spinning around and around

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel of love

# Deep into the funnel of love... #

Shit me up!

Why does the flat look so good?

Why do I want to lick the floor?

Ah. Yeah. I cleaned.

Because I knew your dad was coming around.

Aww! Thank you! I love it.

# I love it... # Ooh.

# I really, really love it. #

What are you doing?

Why can't you dance? Oh, er...

I baked you croissants!

Oh! Oh, my God. Fresh!

Er, what's our estate agent doing here?

Oh, no, it's just me.

It's Jamma.

I know, right? And - he cleaned!

You're welcome.

DOORBELL, SHE GASPS

OK. That's my daddy. Um...

Just so you know, I haven't come out to my dad as straight yet,

so maybe just don't say anything.

Thank you! Huh?

I'm coming, Daddy!

ISAAC SNIFFS

Are you wearing Brut?

Quite.

So, how's my little lesbian?

Oh, you know me - just fixing things, hiking,

kissing up the gyal dem. Oh.

I am so proud of you. Hm.

By being your authentic self,

you hold space for all of us to be our authentic selves, too.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

I see you, Winnie.

You are so loved.

Wow.

Can you be our dad? Not unless you're gay.

Huh?

Hi, I'm Isaac. Ah, Isaac.

The talented artist with a bright future ahead of him!

And I'm Jamma.

Nice to meet you, Jamma.

Oh, OK.

So, you boys doing anything for Father's Day?

Ah, no, we don't really believe in that kind of thing. Yeah.

You don't believe in Father's Day?

We don't believe in fathers.

Nah, I love my dad.

What? What?

I... I just said I love my dad.

Why would you say that? I don't know, I...

I'm going to spend the day father-son bonding!

You don't even know where he lives.

Sounds lovely. What are you thinking?

I have no idea.

CLATTERING Looks like you do.

I'm coming, Dad!

Oh, great. What am I going to do?

Well, you can spend the day with us - playing Guzzle Gobblers.

WHISPERS: Is that a lesbian thing?

Um.... So, yeah, you can be honest. You ARE the publisher.

I mean, obviously, it's not finished. Mm.

The last chapter needs...er, finishing.

Oh, it - starting.

I'm using my relationships as, like, um...

As like a case study.

On liking younger men.

No, no. No, no... No, that's not what it's about.

Oh.

I love the play on the word "gay".

Um, no, that's a typo of my name.

Oh. All right.

Um...

Is there a case study of a relationship

where there isn't a parent-child dynamic?

Um... Uh, sorry? No, there's not.

There's... What?

A p-parent...

S... Parent-child dynamic?

Yeah. Oh...

Oh, no, please take it. Thanks.

Uh, hey, Jamma, how you doing? Listen, I can't talk right now.

Oh, no. I'm just calling because it's Father's Day.

Not cos you're my father. Because I want my father from you.

What? Sorry. Do you have my dad's address?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'll text it to you. Great.

Thank you. Listen, I was wondering

if you wanted to, um, schedule in a check-in.

Yeah, no, we could do that.

Listen, I've got to go - I'm with Nigel.

Oh, OK. With Nigel? Sorry - just you two, or...?

Yeah, yeah. We're touching base. T-Touching?

Which base?

What? What? OK, I got to go. Yeah, no, no, sorry, yeah.

Have a good day, Dad. GUY!

PHONE BEEPS

Yeah, I... I'll do a redraft.

PHONE PINGS

13.5?

HE MUTTERS

Hm?

Hm.

SAIF GRUNTS

Oh, shit!

Dad?

I can see you.

OK. Whoa!

Guzzle, guzzle.

Yeah. Gobble, gobble. Oh!

That's right, keep going. And then round and round.

And then, boom!

Isaac, your run is so good.

Gobble, gobble, gobble!

I didn't know Father's Day could be so fun.

Does anyone else get sweaty when they're being competitive?

Can we smell test? You're good. Thank you.

If it weren't for you being a lesbian,

I'd think you two were a couple.

Everyone always says that! We're not a... Married couple.

Oh, Daddy, no milk for Isaac cos it makes him gassy.

No sugar for Winnie, makes her hyper.

He doesn't like it when I'm hyper.

She does like it when I'm gassy. I do.

Doops! WINNIE LAUGHS

How is your love life, Winnie?

Eurgh, men are trash.

And women...are trash.

Everyone's trash.

You liked Ian.

Ian? Er, V... BOTH: Viv...

Vivian. Vivian, yeah.

Er, no, it didn't work.

I mean, she was so emotionally intelligent, as women are,

which is why I'm attracted to them.

You know, for love and sex.

Winnie? Yeah. My bag strap has broken.

Oh. Do you have any carabiners?

Er, as in pasta?

I knew it! What in the heterosexual hell is going on?

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

I love what you've done with the place.

Happy Father's Day.

No, thanks.

What?

Why you have selfie stick?

Oh, no, this is a fishing rod, Dad.

Because I was hoping you could take me fishing.

You need fish? N...no, I don't need fish.

Did your mum send you? No. No, no. I'm not signing divorce papers.

And I am not getting involved. You always get involved.

Yeah, well, I'm a different person now.

We should go, huh?

If we head west, we can catch the mackerel before the tide turns.

What is this?

Why are you dressed like wanker?

Do you mean banker?

OK. I'm dressed like a grown-up because I'm a grown-up now.

So, what do you say? A bit of father-son bonding?

Ah, I tried. That's... Yeah.

Have a good day, Dad. Sit down, Jamal.

It's time I told you a little story.

I don't need stories, Dad. I'm not six.

Story with pictures.

Yeah. Go on, then.

There was once...

..a bullfighter.

CROWD CHEERS

He was the greatest bullfighter in the whole of Karachi.

There's bullfighters in Pakistan?

Don't talk through the movie.

Sorry.

BULL GRUNTS

You should have seen him, never lost a fight

and very strikingly good-looking

with vigorous body.

BULL GROANS

CROWD CHEERS

The crowds loved him,

but then one day he met a bull...

BULLFIGHTER GASPS ..like no other.

BULL GROANS FEROCIOUSLY

This bull had fire in her eyes.

BULLFIGHTER GASPS CROWD BOOS

You bring shame on our town.

Why are they so mean to her?

She was a three-time divorcee,

but even worse, an actress! Wait, what?

My name is Farida Bullshiddy,

and I do as I please.

FARIDA GRUNTS

BULLFIGHTER SCREAMS

Prepare to die!

He wanted to fight, but he couldn't.

He was hypnotised by her fire eyes.

FAIRDA GRUNTS

All he could do was sing.

What a beautiful voice.

I forgot why I was angry.

# My Tuesday

# You are my Miss Tuesday

# I miss you, Miss Tuesday... #

What was that?

Careful Whisker. Michael George.

No, it wasn't. So, why are you telling me the story?

Better than fishing. It doesn't even make sense.

A female bull is a cow.

Am I telling the story or you? Unfortunately, you.

Look, I just came round for some father-son bonding,

but clearly you just care about yourself.

Don't you want to hear the part about you?

When's that bit?

After song. No, Dad, please... # Oh, Wednesday, dear Wednesday

# Oh, why aren't you Tuesday? Oh, no... #

Why can't you be more like Winnie's dad?

What do you mean you're not gay?

I'm sorry, Dad, I wanted to tell you sooner.

So you're straight?

Oh.

Is it a phase? No.

How can you expect me to be on board with this...this lifestyle?

You told her to be her authentic self.

If her authentic self was gay!

It's all making sense now.

The Eat, Pray, Love DVD.

The DVDs! They're Isaac's.

They're mine.

Have you ever even been with a woman?

Freshers' week, at uni, I kissed a girl.

After how many drinks?

Six. Oh, God! It's worse than I thought.

But I love watching Queer Eye.

That's the strangest thing you've ever said.

I can't help it if I like dick, Dad!

You don't get to call me Dick Dad!

You knew the deal when you booked me.

Booked? Wait, is he not your real dad?

I will be reporting this to daddydaysforlonelygays.com.

No! I hope you're proud, because I certainly am not.

No... No!

No, no! No, please... Oh!

No, Dad! Please!

Guzzle Gobblers is only for lesbians.

Daddydays...forlonelygays.com?

I rented him. You can rent a dad?

Well, they volunteer as dads for LGBTQ+ people

whose real dads have disowned them.

My dad did leave, but I don't qualify.

Oh, Winnie.

Shit. Yeah.

To be honest, he wasn't as angry

as the guy from Fathers 4 Justice.

That got ugly. Mm.

I didn't know your dad left. Yeah.

Dads are so shit, aren't they?

They really are.

At least we've got each other.

Yeah.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Don't worry, it's halal. Oh, thanks.

You like it, huh? Not too much chilli in there, huh?

Mm!

It's delicious.

HE GULPS

So, the bull and the bullfighter, they... Yeah.

They fell in love. Yeah. And...and then?

The end.

What do you mean, the end? You said there was a bit with me.

Oh, yes. Er, er, then they...got together,

fell in love and had egg.

Egg? Egg.

Am I the egg?

Maybe.

The egg was most precious to them.

BULLFIGHTER FUSSES

SMOOCHING Aw.

BULLFIGHTER: Ohh! He's so cute. Mmm.

Wait, they're eating the egg!

SAIF: That's a different egg.

Lunch break. But... But that's confusing.

Can they not eat something else?

They like eggs. Unbelievable.

But they weren't happy for long.

The townspeople, they didn't like bull and bullfighter

living together in harmony.

FARIDA: Oh! Oh, oh!

I'm not safe in this land.

We need to leave.

But the bullfighter couldn't just leave.

He had a career, respect, holiday pay.

Wow, Dad. Priorities.

Then, one day, the bullfighter woke up.

The bull was gone. She had taken the egg!

So you followed her?

I wish it was that easy.

Purpose of your visit to the UK?

Er, egg?

How do you plan on sustaining yourself during your trip?

Egg?

Do you intend to return from the UK? Yes.

Do you have any family in the UK? Yes.

So you don't intend to return? No.

How do you plan on making money? Bullfighter.

OFFICER LAUGHS In the UK?

Are you aware your status will deny your right to work?

What was the colour of the vehicle you travelled in?

Orange. Who was the first Englishman in space?

What was Winston Churchill's favourite breakfast?

How tall was the Duke of Wellington? Who designed the cenotaph?

How do you make a shepherd's pie? What colour are the buses in Leeds?

Why did your wife leave you?

Mr Jamshidi, your history of denied visa

is a cause for suspicion.

Suspicion. Suspicion! Suspicion!

Please,

no more questions!

I haven't seen my little egg in three years.

He needs me!

I'll do anything to see my egg.

Ah, the bullfighter.

So brave, so fearless.

But oh, dear.

The red of his cape like a target on his back.

I can unburden you from yourself.

I need to see my egg.

Please, it's been so many years.

They won't let me see my egg.

Swines,

if only you were someone else...

..someone who could slip into a new land unnoticed.

I'd be happy to help.

For a price, of course.

I'll do it.

Well, that was easy.

HE CHUCKLES

So, you see, Jamal, to come here, I had to become someone else,

someone invisible.

But it worked out in the end, right?

You got your family back.

What does a bull want with a mouse?

I was a disappointment to her.

Well...

What about your little egg?

By the time I arrived, egg had hatched.

Hatched? Into what?

Silly boy.

None of us recognised each other. Strangers in the country.

Strangers to each other.

OK, OK, so we need to get your old self back.

OK, I know where to go.

No. What do you mean, no?

Dad, if you were a bullfighter again, Mum would take you back.

You wouldn't have to live like this.

It's too late.

What, so you're just going to give up now?

No, I gave up a long time ago.

Great.

Yeah, great. OK.

You know, what was the point of you making

all those sacrifices to come to this country

if when you came here, you were a shit dad anyway?

You never taught me how to shave,

or ride a bike,

or tie a tie.

Answer is not selfie stick. It's a fishing rod.

Don't lose yourself.

Do you think I want to dress like this, Dad?

No, I'm doing this because I don't want to lose

the one person that makes me feel valued

and safe and loved.

Something I should have felt from YOU!

I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry, Jamal.

It's not too late for you.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

Go, while there's still time.

Don't be wanker. OK, you definitely said wanker.

Go! OK, right. Um... Er...

Oh, shit.

DOG BARKS

Blood moon, blood moon. Move, move, move!

It's a blood moon!

Sorry, sorry. Wanker! Terribly sorry, sir!

Ohh.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hey. Hi. Yeah, listen, I've been doing some thinking,

and I think I end up playing the same role in relationships.

Well, yeah, no, of course you do,

because I have made you my dad, right?

Er, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Um, listen, listen, I'm sorry about earlier, OK?

I'm on this writing deadline.

I've got to visit my family tomorrow for my dad's birthday.

I thought your dad was dead. No, yeah, he is.

It's a whole thing. I hate doing it.

You should go.

If we don't get to know our parents,

we just end up becoming them, right?

Hey, you could use it as a research trip for your book.

Listen, I really have to go.

Er, have you...have you been doing some therapy?

No, I'm just making sure I'm not getting with you

in order to fix myself.

Um, OK. Er, crazy idea.

Do you want to come with me? To your parents?

Yeah. I mean, it might be good

to have someone there who understands me.

Yes, yes, I'd love to. Ah, but you'd have to...

You'd have to bring this new Jamma with you.

Oh, that's awkward, because I'm just about to return him.

Oh, yeah? What, he comes with a return policy, does he?

Yeah, 48 hours.

Thanks, Jamma.

JAMAL GROANS

Ah, fuck it.

What's the worst that could happen?

CLOWN LAUGHS

# A storm is coming

# Coming for you

# You'd better run

# He's coming through the window

# Coming through the wall

# Coming through the ceiling

# Coming through the floor

# A storm is coming

# Time to have some fun! #

THUNDER RUMBLES