Original subtitles

12 months after it happened, shock and bewilderment continue to surround

the strange events that occurred in a remote old country house last summer,

where a man is said to have literally vanished into thin air.

Well-known within the International Church of Spiritualism

was the revered medium and psychic Mr Jacques Futrelle,

who, on June 21st last year, elected to stage

an unusual experiment at his home in Berkshire,

the bizarre and sprawling mansion known as Metropolis.

Among the specially invited guests that balmy midsummer's evening was

the Harvard geneticist and outspoken critic of paranormal doctrine,

Eli Mencken, seen here with Futrelle's wife, Theodora, and child.

As the night wore on, discussion turned to a curious rumour

concerning an old attic room at the top of the house,

where a madman had been kept under lock and key by his titled relatives.

And where, it was said, the lunatic's ghost still stalked

his former prison, feeding on the souls of non-believers.

The challenge thrown down by their host was for the arch-sceptic

Mencken, if he dared, to spend a night alone in the room.

And so, at ten minutes to midnight, after careful inspection

by independent witnesses, the door was closed,

and secured with four heavy-duty padlocks supplied by the guests.

To ensure no single person could assist in his escape, each retained

their key as, separately, they retired for the night.

What they found the next day sent a thrill of terror through them all.

Though the door and the locks had clearly not been tampered with,

and there was no other conceivable way out of the room,

Mencken was gone!

On a chair nearby lay the clothes he had removed before going to bed,

while on the bed itself was found nothing

but a gruesome sticky secretion.

Of the eminent scientist's body there was no trace.

One year later, no rational explanation has been advanced

for what happened that night.

Nor, can it be assumed, will a solution ever be found

to this dark, impenetrable mystery.

Welcome back. Before the break we promised you something

a little bit off the radar.

I think our next guest certainly falls into that category!

Someone whose powers of deduction, and truly phenomenal flair

for solving seemingly impossible puzzles are beyond cool.

One might almost say, "magical".

The seriously interesting Joey Ross. How you doing here today?

I'm doing splendidly, Marcia, how are you?

It's a wicked website you've got here, it truly is,

checkreality.co.uk - well worth a visit, folks.

So what's the deal with it? Basically, people write in to you,

about weird things that have happened to them, that they can't explain.

And you explain them.

I know, I've become this Agony Aunt of The Abnormal or something,

and completely by accident as it happens,

cos it all just started off as a common or garden blog.

Three years ago, right, mate of mine had this really bizarre experience

where she'd come home one day

and found her fella in bed with the woman next door.

Totally loses it, doesn't she?

Lifts up the duvet and starts jabbing this lighted cigarette

in her foot. By all accounts really took some skin off.

Storms out the room with all her clothes,

chucks them on the front lawn.

Five minutes later, this woman's coming down the stairs, half naked,

but amazingly, her foot has now completely healed up!

Not a blister, or a burn-mark anywhere!

Except, it didn't take much figuring did it?

What she hadn't considered, he'd actually got two women

in that bed, and the other one'd done a runner out the back!

So now you get reports sent to you, from all over the world.

Like, about strange apparitions and premonitions.

And you just apply your brain to the problem, with this like, amazing

power of lateral thinking that you seem to possess and sort it all out.

It's just, I've always had this brilliant intuition.

It's something I was born with - like, an amazing instinct for making

the logical short-cuts, that get straight to the root of something.

OK, you've selected a card in your mind only, and written it down.

I want you now to fold the piece of paper in half please.

Then half again, and hold it high up in the air.

I'm now assimilating that card, removing it from the piece of paper.

It's now left your hand.

Unfold the paper for me, would you?

What can you see?

OK, here comes the tricky part, as we take your choice of card,

and project it through the ether onto the screen.

Would you tell us please, the name of your card. Jack of Diamonds.

And if you'd care to look around now, Georgina,

I hope you'll agree, that's magic!

Wonderful. There's a signed picture for you over there.

PHONE RINGS

Don't! I've just seen it!

MOBILE RINGS

Hey doll!

What's going on? You coping all right back there without me?

Surviving yeah, just about. What's up with you?

Yeah, couple more days, I think, in the Windy City.

It's a pig of a deal, this one, to sort out.

Anyway, keep it warm for me, won't ya? I'll sit on a hot water bottle.

Love you babe, bye!

Ah ha!

Here she is, the star of the show! Hiya!

Hey! Got time for a quick one, before the curtain goes up?

Have you got a curtain up there? It's more of a light switch, if I remember.

I won't thanks, I gotta get changed in a sec, but...

Listen, what are you doing later on?

Only I've been invited to this really wild party.

It's a bit of a drive, but there'll be loads of talent there.

What do you mean by, "a bit of a drive"?

THUNDER RUMBLES

Yes, don't feel you need to put yourself out or anything, Mina!

Will ya? think I can just about manage this on my own.

Brand new dress, Jo. I don't wanna get oil all down the front?

I mean there's no point both of us ending up looking like shit.

THUNDER CLAPS Oh! Ah!

Arrh. Ugh!

SHE GRUNTS ANGRILY

Bollocks!

If we get there by midnight now, I'll be very much surprised.

What's the state of play back there, any joy?

Joy?! You want to know the state of play?

The state of play is, we're buggered!

We've got no spare wheel because I forgot to get it fixed,

I've crucified my spine, we're completely lost,

and I am really pissed off! Short of legging it the rest of the way,

I don't think we'll be doing much partying tonight somehow!

In fact, the way things are looking...

Ladies?

Looks like you're in a bit of a fix here.

Anything I can do to help?

Oh, we just, we came out without a spare unfortunately.

We've obviously gone horribly wrong somewhere.

we haven't a clue where we are.

No. Well...cos you wouldn't be on this road unless you need to.

It's a real assault course back that way.

You got mudslides, trees coming down.

Oh, what're we gonna do, Jo, we're stranded.

I mean, I live close by.

I could offer you a towel and a cup of cocoa.

Oh, wow, listen, I think we can cope with that.

What d'you reckon, babe? Go for it?

It's not like anyone's gonna nick this old wreck tomorrow morning.

I'm Mina, by the way! And this is Joey.

I'm Glenn! As you can see, I'm not exactly travelling light,

but I think I can squeeze you in the back seat, Joey.

That's the best offer she's had tonight.

You are a life saver.

Was that a train wreck last night or what?!

God knows why we're even bothering to record the rest of this series.

Cos that's all they care about now, isn't it?

The "on-air audience interface"?

They even blew that thing with the vanishing ink! Did you see that?

Complete and utter insanity.

But if it keeps us on our toes, who's to say it's such a bad thing?

The public are our paymasters, Jonathan.

Our role is to amuse and amaze.

And maybe, you know,

you just need that wake-up call to raise your game.

Raise my game? What are you saying, just because some smart-arse viewer

in Basildon's managed to work out how the...

What's happening now, are we doing a tribute to Roy Orbison?

You remember I mentioned I was considering a small investment

in this new piece of high-end media technology?

Man, I had no idea what I was getting into. I tell you, my friend,

I've seen the future of Blue-Chip Home Entertainment

and it's name is 3-D porn.

3-D p...? Oh, please.

Takes you right in there, Jonathan! Smack in the middle of the action.

And I mean "smack"!

When those 50-inch jugs hit the lens you duck!

And what flies outta the screen at the end is like...

It's like dodging bullets.

Look and learn.

SYNTHESIZER MUSIC AND HEAVY BREATHING

GROANING AND PANTING

Is that a licence to print money?

I've got a meeting scheduled first thing tomorrow morning,

and I'd value your input, with the Senior Finance Administrator

for their production and distribution division, a Mr...um...

Snuffy White.

This is a joke? 9.30, Excelsior Studios, Brixton.

If you're smart you'll bring a cheque book.

Oh, my God!

You got to be joking? I was expecting a small bungalow.

What I wouldn't give for a share of the equity, but...

Actually I'm just a tenant.

Welcome to Metropolis.

My God, this place is amazing.

What are you? An international drug dealer or something? Not quite.

So, I guess you're not gonna make it to your party tonight.

Oh dear.

You'll find one or two of my "theatrical properties"

around the house

but I'm sure I can trust you both to keep it all in the vault.

Park it upstairs will you, Glenn? The rest we can leave till morning.

Check the joints for articulation, any problems we need to flag up by Monday at the latest.

And be gentle with me, won't you?!

Cos I'll be checking for teeth marks.

How is it, do I get a quick preview?

Wow!

Bit on the peaky side. An hour of your driving, I'm not surprised.

Oh...

Hello? Elodie, my darling, if you could point these poor souls

in the direction of a bathroom, before they evaporate?

Refugees from the storm.

And then maybe you'd like to join us, later on, for a nightcap.

So, what happened? You ran into our resident Good Samaritan?

How are you? I'm Elodie. Hi. This way. Thank you.

Great. Not a night you want to be out in, that's for sure...

See you tomorrow.

Oh my God!

My God!

It is, isn't it!

Jonathan! My God!

Nicola?

Sorry, I didn't recogn... How are you?

And you're alive!

Yes?

Well, I mean obviously, yes, but...

Well, who was it told me you'd died, then?

About five years ago of this terrible wasting disease. Excuse me?

You became just like this vegetable, completely lost the power of speech,

and bladder function.

By the end they were feeding you through a tube, it was horrible.

Where did you hear that?

Cos the last time we met must've been Carla's 35th.

You remember, Carla Borrego?

Or were you there?

Or was it her that told me th... Yes!

No, hang on, this is coming back to me now. Yes!

And that's why you couldn't make it that night, that's right,

because you were...dead.

I wasn't invited to Carla's 35th.

Oh. Right.

What you mean she just...?

Cos after we went out that time,

I was gonna give you a ring, actually, but...

Anyway. What are you up to here?

Oh! Studio nurse.

Yeah... first day. You remember, I was just about to take my exams?

Yeah. And listen, what about you? You're looking well.

For a five-year old corpse!

So, where you off to now?

Have you, have you eaten at all? Cos I'm absolutely famished. Oh.

Oh, thank you.

No, of course we do now obviously recognise you, don't we?

I mean... Lance Gessler.

How amazing is this? Cheers.

To prophets without honour.

I'm afraid my son has never enjoyed the status he deserves in this country.

In Europe, America and the Far East, he's a God.

In Japan almost literally.

They're not infected, thankfully,

by our peculiar brand of hard-boiled cynicism.

That sound you hear is my mother saddling up her hobby horse.

Because I can't abide indifference to the mystery of life.

The arrogant belief, there can be nothing that defies perception.

You're young. Time enough to unlock your minds to what's possible.

Realities we'd rather not confront sometimes,

that challenge our very sanity.

Yes, well, it's gone midnight now, they may not be in the mood

to listen to ghost stories.

Ghost stories?

Sort of a tradition though, isn't it?

No-one should really ever come to this house, without hearing the tale of The Nightmare Room.

Dates back to when Constance was a little girl, in the '30s.

Her father was like this world famous medium,

could supposedly communicate with the dead.

It was just after he bought this place, am I right?

They discovered this room, like an attic,

right at the very top of the house.

Which totally gives me the creeps, the whole thing.

So I think I'll say goodnight now everyone.

See you in the morning.

Yeah, maybe Elodie's right. It's not the night for it.

We don't wanna spook our house guests.

Oh, but now you've whet my appetite?

So, what exactly happened then, in this attic?

No-one who's spent the night there has ever survived to tell us.

Something in that room has caused seven human beings to disappear,

without a trace,

as if they never physically existed.

Oh!

Ah, oh!

any paracetamol with ya?

Cos my back is absolutely...

I tell you, if my boss-man finds out I've been giving you the guided tour...

There's still time to change your mind

cos this is not a place you want to go after dark.

I've been round the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, I think I can cope.

And this staircase doesn't

First stop, the attic.

So how does it go, this first guy, in 1938,

they shut him up inside for the night...

Next day, bogey-man's had him.

Gone.

Over the years, same thing with half a dozen others.

All of them went inside, with something to prove, never came out,

so the story goes.

Cos they'd never get through all the padlocks.

Well, they certainly wouldn't get through these.

It's home from home. I don't know what you're all on about.

Feather duster and a can of Pledge.

Apart from Laughing Boy -

not so keen on him.

You wouldn't say that if you owned it.

That is a genuine study by

the 15th century Flemish master Hieronymus Bosch,

acquired by Mrs Gessler in 1965.

Current value? No man can say.

An ugly character, I know.

He's no oil painting.

So. Are we, er, done here?

Cos we really should be getting back now.

Glenn, I didn't come up here to hunt for ghosts. Yeah, look, Mina.

I'm sorry, this is just...

Ohhh, er... Well, off you go, then.

Wimp out of it! Good night!

What're you d...? You can't be serious?

It's a sodding attic! Are you all living in the Middle Ages or something in this house?

No! Come on, this isn't funny... No! I'm too tired now, anyway.

You wanna lock me in? Go on then, I'm up for it.

What's gonna happen, I'll turn into ectoplasm?

And in the morning, you can bring me a nice, big cup of coffee.

Dash of milk, please, no sugar.

OK...

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

THUNDER CLAPS

So how are you fixed tomorrow?

OK, why don't you come down to the mill, around 12, or 12.30.

We could go out, have a pub lunch or something. Be great.

Sorry? Oh... yeah, I'm there now, actually.

No, if anything, worse than I imagined.

God knows, something called Snow White and the Seven Dudes.

You don't want to know. Anyway, look forward to it then, Nicola.

See you then.

Apparently, we're talking serious capitalisation here, due to the high technical overhead.

Which means they're looking for a lot of zeros,

but I said I'd think it over.

Oh, what I wouldn't give, Jonathan, for a piece of that action.

The 8th and 9th wonders of the world.

If you're looking for a 360-degree experience,

you could lose your whole face in there and never see it again.

Forget about bras, you wouldn't get those in a hammock.

Have you finished? Sorry? Are you done?

Cos I've really got better things to do than stand around here,

watching your tongue hanging out like a roller blind

at the sight of someone called Candy Mountains.

Can we have you back on the set now?

Listen, they're about to turn over on the first scene.

Wanna come see, it could be interesting.

"Happy rolls Snow White a joint, and they all jump on her."

Singing, let me guess, "Hi-ho..."?

Not before I've had my breakfast.

Candy!

Mina?

Mina?

How many hours? Just give me a chance!

It'll come. It's not easy.

A couple more bars maybe in the music, d'you think would help?

Don't be ridiculous! The music's been perfectly structured.

We're not changing it now. Oh, come on!

Keep the elbow still...it's all about wrist action!

You've got just under 30 seconds!

I can't, Constance! I can't get the angle for a start!

Is the blade fully extended, from the fingernail?

Come along, child, this is valuable time we're losing... 20 seconds!

There you go sweetheart, you're through.

Well done. It's just...

I need to practise, that's all.

OK.

Listen, we're getting there, gradually.

You really think she'll be ready by Saturday week?

I can do it. Honestly, Constance. I'll make it work, I promise.

Joey? Joey?

Oh, God... Oh, God, oh, God.

Where is she?

Where's Mina?

This is so bizarre.

Cos you know,

obviously, I never took it seriously...all that stuff.

It's just, when she started coming on to me, it was like...

I just had to get away, and let her sleep it off.

It's like they've been ripped off her body. What the hell could have happened in here?

I dunno, but I'm sure as hell gonna find out.

In which case, my dear,

I think you're going to need a little help.

No, I was reading this piece actually,

in a magazine.

That said the way to tell,

how seriously you really felt about losing someone

was if it took you more than two years to get over it.

And I did think about you.

Even quite recently.

Long after I was dead and buried.

And the thing is, Jonathan,

I just know I couldn't go through all that again.

Cos I've heard, obviously, about your dangerous exploits over the years.

Grisly murders and whatever.

Tell me about it, I still have nightmares.

Cos if it hadn't been for those two mad women,

completely mucking up my life...

the lovely Carla,

and her predecessor who's thankfully pissed off to the States...

So, I think the chance of me getting dragged

into all that caper again is...

Is?

Sorry.

Yeah.

I mean, absolutely.

Cos, I mean, look at you, you're not some wild buccaneering youngster any more, you're a grown man.

You don't want to end up like Indiana Jones.

30 years on, chasing Nazis on a bus pass.

Definitely, no.

Perish the thought.

So, it's start date, 10/06, expiry 10/10. Security code 262.

And how much is this gonna cost again? For spare wheel and labour?

OK. Well, it's this big place called Metropolis, I don't know if...

Oh, great. Right then, see you later.

Thank you. Bye.

On a chair nearby lay the clothes he had removed before going to bed,

while on the bed itself was found nothing but a gruesome sticky secretion.

One year later, no rational explanation has been advanced

for what happened that night. Nor, can it be assumed,

will a solution ever be found to this dark, impenetrable mystery.

Ohhh...interesting.

So this is where it all started, in 1938...

Oh!

Sorry, I thought you were... Jonathan Creek. As promised.

And once again, my sincere apologies for that little mix-up yesterday.

I managed to find his number, of course, in the end.

Jonathan, this is Joey Ross.

Yes, I always loved you as Ritzik in Sergeant Bilko.

Once again, so sorry about all the confusion,

but he's now up to date, with developments...

If you'll just give me two minutes? Perhaps I'll see you both up there.

What's your problem?

It was her idea, not mine.

That two heads'd be better than one.

I called at the mill, didn't I?

Neighbour said you'd gone down the pub, I'd have no trouble recognising you.

I asked this bloke if his name was Creek, he said yes.

He'd say anything for six pints of Ruddles and a shepherds pie!

That's what you imagine I look like, is it? Thank you very much.

He lives on a pile of gravel, by the canal! Oh, I'm so sorry!

Your international reputation has somehow failed to reach me.

Shall we go?

If you're looking for skewed rivets or phantom joints I wouldn't bother.

The whole thing's solid.

The door, as you'll discover,

has not been secretly hinged on the other side.

Nor is there an invisible panel that can be opened halfway along.

Or any sign of collapsible floorboards.

Plus, of course, the way she'd jammed that chair under the handle

would make any exit impossible.

I think you'll find.

And there's nothing above below or behind the bed. I did check.

So we're right at the top of the house here...

What's underneath us?

Oh, just the room you slept in.

It's a bit of a maze down there, but I could show you later.

Mmm.

So when this first guy Mencken disappeared in 1938,

I suppose that would have rather played into your father's hands.

Man of science, defeated by forces no-one could explain.

I'm afraid it was later that year both my parents died in a car crash.

I was brought up by an aunt in Westphalia,

and the house was rented out.

And over the next 40 years, the story of what happened here

prompted one or two others...

with that daredevil mentality I cannot comprehend.

To try their luck with the ghost.

And every time they did?

I returned, with Lance and my late husband, in 1989.

And since then...

Foolishly, you just ignore these things, and hope they'll go away, but...

What form of magic, d'you think, Jonathan,

are we looking at here?

I suppose whatever dark oblivion lies before us all,

we'll have to face it, won't we? Some day.

In one form or another.

And this is, what, a Brueghel, or...?

Actually an early oil on canvas by Bosch.

I managed to save it, believe it or not, from a fire.

A long time ago.

Some things are so...irreplaceable,

they define the permanence of mankind.

We live and die...

..but history goes on for ever.

Anyway, please, take your time.

So what was she like, your friend Mina?

How was her sense of humour?

She enjoy a good prank?

Not this kind of prank!

It may just be all a tricky little brain-teaser to you,

but I am getting seriously worried

about what's happened to her.

I think we know what hasn't happened to her.

We know she wasn't abducted by an evil spirit and whisked away

to the other side, as some people in this house seem to think. Granted.

But that doesn't explain the fact that someone,

or something, was in this room, that apparently attacked her,

and tore all her clothes off, and somehow managed...

A bird, I think.

Flew into the window.

Hate it when they do that!

Poor little sod.

Anyway. I've been round every inch of this room a dozen times now, and I've had enough of it.

I'll see you downstairs.

This is the room,

directly underneath,

that she slept in all night, so...

The whole thing is just... What are we supposed to think?

She's just disappeared somehow into thin air, like all the others?

There's no way she could have got out of that room.

We don't know, do we?

Maybe we'll never know. That's the point. For goodness sake!

Try and pull yourself together. I mean, she'd heard the stories.

She knew exactly what she was getting into. She knew the risks.

Did she? Cos I sure as hell didn't!

It just makes your flesh crawl, this whole business.

And what have I been saying all along? I know! I know.

I think we both know now, don't we, what we have to do?

What we should have done a long time ago.

Unless of course the whole thing scares you?

No, no. No, you're right, you're absolutely right.

And where do you stand, Mr Gessler, on The Nightmare Room?

You're not buying into all this back story about a predatory demon

devouring the unwary?

I only know I felt a lot more comfortable when that part of the house was off-limits.

You think I haven't tried to pick that room apart a hundred times

to see what makes it tick? But...

There's no denying this building has a history,

a life of its own, almost, that's not for the faint-hearted.

On the subject of history, I think your mother said something about

some personal effects her father had left behind?

There's not much to pick over, but

be my guest.

Ah hah hah!

Now what do we have we here, when it's at home?

Cos this is very curious, you'd have to say.

The page...torn from his diary...

"Re the riddle of the attic, we're still trying to figure it out.

"Mencken there one minute, gone the next.

"Ectoplasm everywhere, but how?"

I know. Written on the 23rd, that'd be just two days after.

Can you imagine the shock?

But what do we make of these four letters up the top here?

S-T-G-E.

Stage or something? Where the A's been rubbed away...

Come on, you're looking, but not seeing.

It's what happens when your brain gets lazy.

Look, you put "ST-GE"

together with "23".

I would say it's far more likely to be St George's Day.

June the 23rd, but April the 23rd.

Two months before Midsummer's Day,

Futrelle was describing the exact events that happened!

But how could he do that...

Unless, the whole thing was pre-planned.

"We're still trying to figure it out"

suggests to me the two of them were in on it together.

For whatever reason.

And somehow or other, he's helped Mencken get out of that room!

Sounds pretty damn plausible.

What do we think?

What about this one? Press cutting about Hitler burning the Reichstag.

Well, hello again.

Oh! Hi!

Ooh! Sorry, is it feeding time?

I had to skip lunch myself, as a matter of fact.

Oh, stop it, he's not mine! I wish.

Ohhh, he's adorable! Do I have to give him back? There you go...

BABY CRIES See you later. See you. Bye.

Ohhh, that was so hard...

Like taking a baby from Candy.

So is that right, then, you're gonna give us lots of money?

Snuff was saying, to put into the business.

Well, watch this space, you know?

Cos I'm always in the market for a buoyant portfolio.

And as portfolios go,

this one's

definitely bobbing around in the water. Oh!

Listen, I saw your show last night! That was so awesome!

When that elephant disappeared, how d'you do that?

And where you made your pulse completely stop?

You can't actually, really do that?

Better believe it.

St George's Day...

How the hell did I miss that?

And Mencken and Futrelle both in on it together?

I should have seen, surely...

That's the only way they could've worked it.

You see Federer lost again yesterday? Incredible.

To this new Serbian hot-shot, no-one'd even heard of a month ago.

There's so much amazing young talent coming through nowadays,

have you noticed? It's brutal.

And why "dies" in the present tense?

You'd put "died"

or "dead", wouldn't you?

Look, she got out the window somehow, and crawled down the roof.

D'you have to keep going back to this strange place?

Remember what I said the other day?

Actually, did I mention? He's having this big garden party on Saturday.

Something he does, every year, apparently, for the locals.

I'm working Saturday.

Oh, right. I thought I might show my face. Try and stay in the loop.

Jonathan, were you just thinking about someone else?

Who?

Hitler.

Very sorry.

♪ In the cool of the evening

♪ When everything is getting kind of groovy

♪ You call me up and ask me

♪ Would I like go with you and see a movie

♪ First I say, "No ,I've got some plans for tonight."

♪ And then I stop

♪ And say, "All right."

♪ Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little boy like you

♪ Oh oh oh

♪ You oh oh oh

♪ You always keep me guessing

♪ I never seem to know what you are thinking

♪ And if a girl looks at you

♪ It's for sure your little eye will be a-winking

♪ I get confused I never know where I stand

♪ And then you smile and hold my hand... ♪

I wonder this afternoon if you wouldn't mind just keeping the events of the last few days...

Under our hats?

Yes, I think that's good advice. One or two of the guests here today...

and I think we're looking at them now...

once they get their claws into a story like this...

That's Lady Olga Cooper, chairperson of the Round Table.

Delia Gunning, our local newspaper editor,

and Ellen Ashley-Adams, who publishes the parish magazine.

Between them they're more than capable of putting

the frighteners on half the Home Counties.

♪ With a spooky little boy like you Oh oh oh

♪ Spooky ah

♪ Oh, ah-oh, ah-oh, ah-oh

♪ Wah-hah, oh wah-hah... ♪

From your own garden?

Bless you!

Delia, this wouldn't be more of your scrummy home-made honey?

That should keep you going for a while.

And what have you got for me, Ellen, gold, frankincense or myrrh?

It's a sturdy one, so be warned!

I'll be happy to make this disappear! Ladies, you spoil me.

♪ If you decide someday to stop this little game that you are playing

♪ I'm gonna tell you all the things my heart's been a-dying to be saying

♪ Just like a ghost You've been a-haunting my dreams

♪ But now I know You're not what you seem

♪ Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little boy like you

♪ Spooky little boy like you

♪ Spooky little boy like you

♪ A spooky little boy like you. ♪

Oh!

Oh!

Did you have to?

It was just a bit of fun.

Where are we going now?

Oh, listen!

St Saviour's...

This is where they were buried!

I'm sure I read that, on one of those cuttings in his room!

Futrelle and his wife.

In this great big family crypt, under the church.

So? So? They were up to something in there, weren't they, just now?

Come on and shift yourself!

I suppose it would be too much to ask what the hell we're expected to find down here.

I dunno, you hear people talk about, "taking their secrets to the grave".

I just get an idea sometimes, I have to run with it.

Ah-ha!

Hic conubium Jacques Futrelle et Theodora Futrelle in pace semper.

I suppose you can make sense of all this stuff?

Oh, why, did you not do Latin at school? You surprise me.

What are you doing?

Thought we could have a quick decko inside. A quick decko?

Have you no respect for the dead?

This is tantamount to desecration,

Yes, and what would you say if we opened this up and found a body?

I'd say it was pretty bloody likely! You know what I mean!

I mean, we still don't know, do we, whether she's alive or dead?

Either way, she's gotta be somewhere.

What's it mean, all this stuff, anyway?

They didn't ever think of writing in English, these people.

Ah, OK, here we go. Cop hold of this for a sec.

Oh!

No profanities, please. Remember where you are.

OK. Let's try the other one.

What's the point of learning Latin, anyway?

I had quite enough rubbish drummed into me at school as it was.

Archimedes' Principle, and...

Who was that other one, with the triangles?

Pythagoras. Yes.

I don't know where I'd be today without knowing what a hypotenuse was.

I operate on instinct and adrenaline

and I don't have a lot of time for intellectual snobbery,

so...oh...

Grudgingly, though, I suppose you're right,

this is gonna be a complete dead end. Or, on the contrary,

does it advance our thinking, in one very key respect?

Ego recubo hic praeter dilectam...

Here I lie, with my...beloved, I presume that is?

Written in the first person,

so we can assume it was his choice of inscription.

How tempting is it, to think that a man with a fondness for Latin,

when scribbling a note to himself on that Reichstag cutting,

"Felix dies." was actually writing,

"Felix di-es..."

Meaning what?

Meaning, I think it's safe to say, that anyone who sees

the pivotal moment in Hitler's rise to power as a, "happy day"

will probably have other issues with a man called Eli Mencken.

What, you're s...

You think he was some kind of Nazi sympathiser?

Which pretty much kicks our theory of a "collaboration" into touch.

And very probably suggests something far more sinister,

and far more impenetrable.

Somehow or other, Futrelle rigged up that room,

to dispose of a man he'd loathed and detested.

And people have gone on dying there, in the same way, ever since.

Sorry, Jo! So sorry I can't be there tonight.

As you can see, still in bloody La-La Land!

Guy from Sony's ten-year-old got meningitis, so I've had to completely reschedule.

Anyway, how's the magic show? Is it a good one?

Yeah, it's all been happening this end, I'll tell you when I see you.

Gotta split now, anyway, but be good, won't you!

your arse back here pronto,

cos I miss you! Love you! Bye!

Guys!? And it's so hard, always, isn't it?

To know how you feel about them.

This one, fortunately, ticks all the boxes.

Literally, actually, cos...

Last month's Marie Claire, he scored a big fat 89%, didn't he?

"Cancel all other wedding plans, you have found the love of your life!"

So phew, was that a relief!

You sure you don't want to stretch your legs?

State of my back today, I may never stand up again.

Ruddy spare wheels!

I shall have a long, hot bath when I get back tonight,

that usually sorts it...ah!

Oh, hang on! I forgot the peanuts.

Who is this?

What's going on?

You're great, you're really brilliant, mate. Thanks, bye.

No Elodie? She went back inside

for a costume or something.

That was 20 minutes ago.

"The following instructions will be carried out precisely,

"to ensure your loved one's life. Failure to comply, in any respect,

"will ensure her death."

How much?

100,000.

In cash.

11 hours! I can't believe we've all been sitting here like zombies.

Don't we think the police might have something to say about this?

A woman has been kidnapped!

And how serious they are, and how trigger-happy,

we'll find out, Glenn, won't we, soon enough?

The money can be arranged.

It has to be arranged.

Look, we need to think about this, don't we?

Whoever's done this thing, what guarantee do we have

And what choices do we have?

We have one choice.

To do everything that's asked of us here, by these people,

by our consciences.

A human being's life is not ours to put a price on.

Though God knows, we never seem to learn that.

So, where, and when?

"12 noon tomorrow. At the crossroads of Carters Lane and Blackthorn Way.

"You will place the bag inside the seat of an abandoned armchair,

"then back off half a mile to the footpath sign

"at the edge of Powdrill's Farm.

"You will see a vehicle arrive.

"Do not attempt to approach.

"If all conditions have been met,

"your friend will then be returned to you, alive."

12.15.

I need some air.

So, my father was a murdering Anti-Semite,

directly or indirectly responsible for eight people's deaths.

You won't say it, so I will.

Based on what evidence exactly? That you've found so far.

Nothing that would ever stand up in court, Mrs Gessler,

but you must be aware that back then the vast majority of these people

who passed themselves off as spiritualists

were nothing more than magicians themselves.

And the tricks and illusions they cooked up, to fool people,

were so ingenious, usually... they got away with murder.

Maybe...in this case...

I dunno...

You seem to have a more open mind about it all.

Born of religious conviction?

Faith, Jonathan,

or fear, I'm not sure which.

The more I go through life,

the more questions it throws up and fewer answers.

Of course, I've had plenty of time to reflect

on what happened that day. What I remember of it, but...

One thing that's always lodged in my mind...

and you wonder, I suppose, eventually, whether you just imagined it, but...

As they were all standing there, chattering away,

trying to make sense of it all,

he bent down

and picked up what looked like a small pebble

or stone from the floor and put it in his pocket

in a...very private way, as if...

I mean, he obviously thought no-one had noticed.

Did that make him a killer?

You tell me.

There are certain moments, aren't there,

when you just suddenly stop...

..and look around and think,

"How the hell did I get to this point in my life?"

Standing here, on a ransom drop,

waiting for the woman I love to be bundled into a ditch -

if we're lucky.

When I first met her, she was performing a trapeze act in Prague

quite brilliantly.

I mean, truly astonishing,

the skeletal dexterity, what she could do with her body.

I'd never met anyone like her.

And so... Do I see a link here with your friend?

Well, you just wonder... How many more young women

will suddenly go missing before we're finished?

Wow. You must be... Some kind of mind-reader.

Sorry...professional reflex, I wasn't trying to...

Back in the car!

Sorry, are these making your eyes water?

Just enough to douse the fire in my heart.

But here's to re-kindling.

Cheers.

I have to go. Give me a kiss.

Hey! Now, listen - just you put her down.

I'm saying goodbye to flat-mate, you have problem with that?

You wanna watch it with him, Lenny!

He's the magic man, he could do anything!

Fire that gun in his face, he'll just catch the bullets in his teeth, I've seen him!

Yes, well, let's not get... carried away here...

I mean, we don't wanna waste the guy's ammunition.

I have to go.

And you, you great useless sack of shit... You look after her.

Because if you break her heart, I come round and I'll break your legs.

Oh, he's all talk, don't worry.

Anyway, what time's this friend of yours coming? I better get a move on.

I hope you're not gonna just spend tonight

fretting about all this other stuff?

She wants to run around solving murders and kidnappings

to stick on her silly website...

..just let her get on with it. It's not your problem, is it?

And will you not keep tidying up after me all the while?

God, I read an article the other day, said that's a classic sign of being spiritually repressed.

So just try and chill out. And let's enjoy ourselves tonight.

Yes, I'll try and enjoy myself

with a woman who's spent her working life bent over a coffee table.

Whose idea of a deep relationship... PHONE RINGS

..is a man with a 12 inch... Hello?

Yes, I am, actually, kind of busy. Where are you?

I'm outside the theatre,

watching him load up the truck.

You know, his roadie guy, Glenn, we're not at all sure about.

Props and cabinets and stuff.

Apparently, I've just found out, they're all stored away in

this big warehouse, in the East End. Away from prying eyes.

Dunno, it's just got, "secret hiding place"

written all over it, don't you think?

Um...no, I can't possibly, not tonight.

Cos we're just on our way out, so...

Yes, well, fine, thanks, whatever. Bye!

Have fun!

Thanks, Glenn. Just chuck it over here, would you?

We're going to need to get the whole flying rig boxed up

and flown out by Friday, so... Yeah. No problem.

Oh, hello! Come in. Hi. Nicola!

Hi, Candy.

If you want to just dump your coat in there,

I'll go and see to the food.

Something smells delicious, what is it?

Putenesca sauce...

Will you bless her heart, Jonathan,

she actually believes I have magic powers!

Can you imagine the attraction that gives me in the bedroom?

It's a passport to paradise.

Not that anyone could accuse you of short-termism.

And what happens when she finds out the whole act is one big fake, from start to finish?

What's to find out? I got enough tricks and angles

to keep this alive for as long...

POP! Oh, God, no!

My God! Will you look at that? It's OK!

Don't worry, it has done this before.

It's like, when the elasticity or something, it just suddenly

goes in the implant and it all just collapses.

Means I'll have to go back

and see that bloody surgeon again in the morning.

Anyway, help yourself to bread rolls.

Thanks, Glenn. That's everything. You just head off.

I've got a few things I need to sort out.

Oh!

Ugh. Oh.

Enjoying it? Is it a grape?

Mmm, got grapes in it, that one. They're supposed to be in there.

That tastes a lot like pickled onion.

It's delicious. Very nice.

There's a little deli store in the market

just round the corner from here. I've been going there years.

You just need to take it out of the fridge for a couple of hours...

Mmmm. Uh-huh.

Oh...d'you mind?

I think that's me...

No worries.

And, um...would you excuse me a second?

Can you believe she had the nerve to pass them off like that,

as the genuine article?!

All that time, she just let me go on believing that that was nature's own handiwork!

the irony, can you?

I give up.

Oh, God... What the hell's she g...

Sorry...um...

This does actually sound serious...

Jonathan?

Two hours! Folded up in here like a penknife! Ow!

He'll be miles away by now!

Hopefully!

Well, of course!

But I'm telling you...

God, oh, God, oh, God!

Can we just get out of here? Please!

So, how long will they keep him, d'you think?

They've got bugger all evidence.

still there, all that while.

It's like he's one step ahead of us, all the time.

And that whole kidnap thing obviously was a complete fiddle.

So he set it all up himself, do we think? As a cover for murder?

So it would seem.

And how wrong was I about him then, in the end?

Mmm.

More wrong, possibly, than we might have imagined.

Have you not worked out yet,

what the two of them were doing in that church?

Of all the mistakes that I've made in my life,

I'm not sure I'll ever come to terms with this one.

That I underestimated Lance Gessler,

and what he was capable of.

Cos am I right in thinking you and Elodie...?

The two of them...

God knows when all that began to lose its lustre, but...

And what was weird, it took this whole thing with Mina

to bring it home to us.

How serious we were about each other.

No. No. You're absolutely right.

It's was like, the way was clear now to make a life for ourselves.

I just can't take it any more. This house, her, everything....

Of course, when she told him, that was it. ..it's suffocating me.

The thing is for some time... She gave him three weeks' notice.

She was out of his act, out of his life.

..I mean, you'll find a way to cope, somehow, won't you?

You always do.

And when all this kidnap stuff happened,

I mean, what else am I gonna think?

Cos that is how clever he was.

I just thought if I said anything at that stage,

I dunno, I might have compromised her safety.

And now!

For God's sake, what kind of shit is going on round here?

And I thought that was your department, explaining it all.

I tell you, if I ever wake up one day and find all of this was real...

God help us all. Jonathan?

You're staring at a ladder.

No, you're staring at a ladder.

I'm staring at a hypotenuse.

Which does just make you wonder...

And did this...just...

Sorry?

Oh, yeah. Third one this week.

It's like they've got a kind of death wish or something, round here.

Anyway, I suppose I'd better

get on or go mad.

Look. Radical proposal.

Cos I have had a right basinful of all this now.

It seems to me the only way we're gonna find out what's going on

in that room is to tough it out for ourselves. What do you reckon?

Hmm?

That's if you can bear the thought, Jonathan,

of spending the night with me.

I mean, we wouldn't go the whole hog, with padlocks and everything,

it's just...

Yes...well, whatever you feel you need to do.

Um...

What I saw last night, in that warehouse,

I know must be very hard for you to...

What we see, and what we think we see, aren't always the same,

are they?

I just pray to God, when the dust has settled in due course,

we'll find out this has all been some dreadful, ghastly mistake.

So, here we go, then.

I mean, it is all bollocks. We know that, obviously, so...

But then of course, that's what Mina thought.

Amazing to think he just spent his whole life here.

Is that what they said?

In Edwardian times, this mad relative character.

It makes you think.

I dunno, what is it about being in this room,

that really gives you the willi... What are you doing?

What do you mean? That's a bit previous, isn't it?

I thought the idea was that we were just gonna sit it out, and...

And what? It's half past 11,

I've had a lot of late nights this week.

And surely the whole point is that we just do what everyone else has done.

Get undressed, go to bed, go to sleep.

And unwittingly surrender to whatever nameless horrors

lie dormant here in The Nightmare Room. What are your plans?

Are you going to stand there like Hannibal Lecter all night or wha..?

What? No, I noticed that before.

You put any pressure on this mattress...

..a sort of vent seems to open, in the canopy...

..that seems to be full of dead flies...

Great.

And what do we make of our friend on the wall, while we're at it?

Man with pipe in mouth.

I dunno. It's like, whenever she looks at it...

And all that creepy talk, about history

and the value we put on human life...

You just get a feeling of some

dark and sinister part it's played, at some point in her li...

Hello? Yeah, just a quick one, treasure!

If I say Big Apple and gridlock, you'll know where I'm coming from!

Can you believe I'm running eight meetings behind?!

I don't think I'll get much change here out of another week!

Love to natter, but...I'll give you a bell maybe on Tuesday!

Yeah, OK, Alec. Look after yourself.

I mean, bottom line, what's your reckoning?

D'you think he...

..really exists, or...

As scary as it sounds,

I'm afraid I do.

There's too much frightening evidence we can't ignore.

There's no question, he exists all right.

You serious?

You really think there's a ghost?

Hmm?

Oh...sorry, I thought we were talking about Max Headroom there,

on the phone.

You ever actually seen him in the flesh, that bloke, or...

Ghost-wise,

I don't think there's any question,

our friend Mr Futrelle

laid a trap in this room,

designed to fuel and perpetuate the superstition

that kept him in business all his life.

This afternoon,

I did get a slight glimmer of...something...

So I suppose all we can do now is just sit tight,

and try and keep our wits about us.

Jonathan?

Jonathan?!

Jonathan!

What happened? Oh, God!

You OK?

Yes.

Just...panic attack...like I...

I couldn't breathe there for a minute, I was just..

Oh, my God!

What?

No, I...

I was just remembering what she said to us tonight.

"What we see, and what we think we see."

Obviously, you see someone cutting into someone's neck, but,

I mean, what if, with all that gasping, she was actually choking,

and he comes along, and the only way he can try and free her up to save her...

The old emergency tracheotomy.

Cos by that time, it'd all be too late, but...

And of course the reason he doesn't say anything...

Whoever did it could be someone he wants to protect.

What's that they say? "A watched pot never boils."

I know,

but I will certainly be glad to get out of...

Aah! Oh, God!

This bloody bed!

That has done my back in for good now.

What the hell did you make me lie down for!

On this lumpy, moth-eaten old pile of... Can you get down the stairs?

Stairs? I can barely walk.

Drugs is what I need, maximum strength. OK. Oh, my God!

So what's been happening? You're not telling me the two of you just...

Oh, yeah. We gave it our best shot, I'm afraid,

but obviously somewhere along the line, something was different.

What the hell was it?

That dead bird, in the wheelbarrow...

Sorry? No, it's just...when that other one hit the window,

the first day we were up there, a few minutes later I saw it,

or I thought I did, sticking out the roof.

Exactly where you'd expect to find it, just below the attic.

Which pretty much killed off a little hypothesis I had

before I had a chance to get going.

That the room we'd been standing in

was not the same one as we're looking at now, on top of the house.

But then, what you said yesterday, obviously

opened the whole thing up again.

That bird could've been up there for days, it didn't prove anything.

Which meant that maybe it wasn't such a mad idea after all.

Bearing in mind the size of the place,

and the fact you're going up a spiral staircase,

by the time you get to the top you could be almost anywhere.

We just take it as read that it's an attic

because of the small pitched ceiling but...

..that room could easily be on another level

with a small angled ceiling

or a "hypotenuse"

deliberately built in, to suggest a roof.

I mean, no-one'd be any the wiser.

Either way, it's still the same room, where it all happened.

How does that solve anything? It doesn't, that's the problem.

All it does mean is we can no longer be sure what's underneath.

Certainly not that bedroom she slept in I looked round the other day.

Oh, that's what I came down here for...

industrial-strength pain killers for her back.

Oh, right. Yeah, I'm sure I can dig something up.

Otherwise she'll never get down from there. Unless she's decided...

..when I get back tonight, that usually sorts it out...

Oh...

Oh, if that's it!

Cos that small stone he picked up could've easily been

not a stone at all...

Cos that's what they all did, not in the night, but in the morning.

They all took a bath. Oh, shit!

In the name of God. Where is she, can you see her?

Joey!

Joey! It's closing. Coming up again.

Wedge it. Wedge it. Do something!

Joey! Just grab her arm!

I've got you. I've got you! OK. OK.

SHE SOBS It's all right.

It's all right.

I think we all knew the house contained some pretty dark secrets.

Maybe not as dark as that.

Basically a fairly massive, concealed water tank,

underneath an attic that's not where we thought it was.

Stairs to the real one, God knows.

Blocked up probably, a long time ago.

And beneath the bath,

a very efficient rig of pulleys and counter-weights -

pressure-sensitive, we can assume, that respond to the weight

of a body by tipping it out, and then closing up again.

You feel the Hoover Dam was an engineering breeze next to that one,

but, as you know well enough, that's the very reason these things work.

There's a level of artifice that common sense just won't tolerate.

Something so enduring and elaborate,

suddenly demonic possession sounds a lot more plausible.

That gooey "ectoplasm", it's fairly safe to say, was pre-set,

to drip all over Mencken as he lay in the bed that night.

Just to make doubly sure he'll want to freshen up in the morning.

The fact that it's now harbouring dead insects

may well have had a similar effect on your friend.

I don't know how she felt about spiders at all.

And it was a piece of soap he didn't want us to see.

Flew across the floor, you think?

When he went under.

Of course, history doesn't record the fate of all the people

who spent the night there and didn't take a bath.

Mythology works best when it's selective.

Yes, well, we see the light now, at least,

on so many things this morning.

That strange affair in the warehouse,

which I'm sure was an honest mistake at the time.

Sorry, what d'you mean, mistake? I told you...

No, forgive me. We know now, it was a mistake.

The police rang me earlier, to confirm.

Lance couldn't possibly have murdered Elodie, as you claim,

because they've just received a video that quite clearly

shows her alive and well, at eight o'clock this morning.

Mr and Mrs Whey Cheng were filming this little moment in the park,

at 8.13 this morning. Time and date there, as you can see.

Also, just here,

our local daily newspaper, published only this morning.

Our two young tourists apparently recognised her

from all the news coverage and rang up the police straight away.

This is not possible.

I'm afraid it's not only possible, it's irrefutable.

Wherever she is and whatever she's up to...

..and whatever it was you saw that night,

my son is innocent.

OK! I am not too proud to admit, I am now so out of my depth.

I mean, you were there! That was not a trick!

That woman could not have been more dead!

Verified by a qualified nurse for God's sake!

And now, a couple of days later, here she is walking round a park,

after we all saw her with her throat cut open?

There's ways you can stop a pulse in your hand...thing Adam does,

by squeezing a tennis ball under his arm, but this?

Certainly puts Lazarus in the shade.

Hang on, you still got that newspaper?

Now that is curious.

And taken together with this,

that's almost conclusive. Wouldn't you say?

Would I?

You would if you knew your David Hockney.

Because therein lies the perfect, cryptic clue,

which if you cast your mind back, through everything we've

seen and heard, these last few weeks, points us in a very clear direction.

Towards the one person here capable of pulling something like this off.

As daring a piece of magical misdirection as you'll ever see.

Utterly amazing.

Right. Is this something you want to share with me, at all, or...

Absolutely, but it might make sense to get down the local nick ASAP.

Assuming our Mr Gessler will shortly be released without charge,

and who knows, we might be able to put this whole thing to bed.

No, no!

You can cheat death on stage every night, or appear to,

but what happened in that warehouse was as real and sadistic

and unequivocally final as it gets.

Lance Gessler murdered Elodie that night,

as he'd always planned to, after God knows what

taunting and suffering had gone on, since he staged that phoney kidnap.

As tempting as our little thought was,

about the emergency tracheotomy, not sure it ever really had legs.

Somewhere, you imagine, behind that facade of charm, was a gene that

drove him, like his grandfather, to crush all opposition,

with ruthless ingenuity,

and with a callous disregard for anyone else he brought in to help.

Someone who might come along and pick up that money, in the road.

And someone who, somehow, managed to rig up a video,

that appeared to contradict

the evidence of three independent witnesses.

Of course, he never expected to be caught in the act like that.

That footage was always a part of a carefully planned insurance policy.

A kidnap victim's caught on camera, taking a quiet stroll in the park?

Even if she never turns up again,

it'd be hard to put a murder case together.

Maybe we'd all warm to the idea that she'd faked it with Glenn,

so the two of them could do a runner together.

But how was it done?

Grabbing a shot one morning before she goes missing,

if you know where she's gonna be, is easily arranged.

But how do we explain that newspaper that was conveniently

being read in the background?

A daily paper, with up to the minute news,

that couldn't even have existed until first thing this morning.

Or could it?

Suppose you know exactly what's going to be on the front page

of that paper more than a week beforehand,

because you're the person who's gonna design it.

Only question then is, how could you possibly know

what the big story's gonna be that day?

Answer -

because you're gonna create it yourself.

A council meeting being interrupted by a swarm of bees

wasn't too tricky to engineer...

..and not too tricky, once you think back, to trace the culprit.

That's Lady Olga Cooper, chairperson of the Round Table.

Delia Gunning, our local newspaper editor...

Delia, this wouldn't be more of your scrummy homemade honey?

Back page, of course, less of a problem.

Local side's a dead cert to get knocked out of a cup tie, but you'd

shoot an alternative, probably, as a cutaway, just in case.

Thing, I suppose, that sealed it, was that headline on page three.

Major new motorway that's gonna devastate the local community?

Surely a more obvious choice for a front page lead,

than the one that was already locked in place?

Or in David Hockney's words... A Bigger Splash?

I'm imagining your cast of bit players, Japanese or otherwise,

would've been slipped a few quid probably, to play ball?

"Bit players"...

Weren't we all?

He told me...he...

Loved you?

One of his finest illusions.

But she would have destroyed him.

They always do, women like that.

You think what she knew -

Everything that was sacred and vital to his career, his life.

The way she'd betrayed him already,

the contempt she'd shown.

How could he have risked that kind of exposure?

But then maybe if she wasn't to be trusted, neither were you.

Collaborator in an abduction, accessory to murder.

How much did you know?

Enough to warrant an unfortunate "accident on the stairs"

when you got home.

What are you doing? Get off me!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh dear God, forgive me.

I suppose you've heard.

How did SHE take it?

The one thing we can never escape is our destiny.

However much I prayed this day would never dawn,

once the seeds have been sown...

The seeds?

Oh, look into my eyes.

You can't see?

The light of innocence died there long ago.

This is all to do with that painting.

You said something once about rescuing it, from a fire.

It was 1965.

I was staying at a relative's house, in Osnabruck.

They said it was a stray coal or something, from the grate.

And still we continue, don't we?

To make that choice...

..between the present and posterity.

I always knew, of course, that God would punish me...

..but never like this.

I made him want it, you see, so much.

Devoted my life to that dream,

that one day that he would be the greatest showman on Earth.

Day by day,

I turned ambition

into obsession.

And never even noticed...

..his own mother...

..I'd given birth to a monster.

So, a certain surreal symmetry, you'd have to say,

prevailed there in the end.

Man with pipe in mouth?

Cos by then, I guess, he had nowhere to hide.

Magicians. Don't even go there.

Yes, just waiting for our friends to arrive,

there'll be six of us in all.

If you'd like to take a seat over there, please, thank you.

I've booked their exclusive private banqueting suite for the evening.

For all-round intimacy and sophistication it has no equal in London.

And so, what's next, you run this little puzzle on the web,

so the whole world gets the inside story?

And incidentally if you're up for a bit of sponsorship,

I could do you a good deal on some advertising space.

Very funky demographic, could bring you a whole new audience.

Well, you know, ordinarily...

If it weren't for the fact this other little venture's completely cleaned him out.

Investing in the 3D porn industry.

The wisdom of which clearly escapes you Jonathan,

so try this one for size.

A binding contract from Mr Snuffy White himself

that in return for my not immodest contribution yesterday, guarantees

me 20% profit participation on every title in their catalogue.

Which I tell you guys, is serious peanuts.

Except, you realise there's no signature on this document.

Don't mess with me!

But I was there, I watched him sign it in front of me!

Right... Given the fact that she's already fooled you once Adam,

you don't think it's possible that Miss Candy Mountains

might actually have been selling you one great big dummy all along just to get you on board?

It wouldn't take a lot of research, would it, into your recent output

to have tumbled to the magic properties of vanishing ink?

She's not gonna turn up tonight, is she?

Actually, I think I'll wait till Alec gets here.

He really knows his wine, so...

Oh...don't tell me! You can't be in Miami still?

You promised you'd be back by this morning!.

Yeah! Um, this is really tricky babe, actually, cos...it's just,

something's happened in the last 24 hours, which...

And if you're there, Jonathan, don't be shocked, OK?

Cos, I mean, I wasn't looking for it, I swear but...

According to this month's Vogue,

you just have to act on impulse sometimes.

Just make that phone call, hop on a plane, whatever it takes,

and just seize the moment, or it's gone forever.

It's just, the more I kept thinking about him

after that day in the theatre, I don't know what it was.

I mean, what can I say guys, we're both so sorry...

Gutted, aren't we, but...

Anyway, you have a great night there!

And just try and take

And when we get back, we'll all have a really good laugh, won't we?

so...catch you later. Bye.

Now then, it was?

Just...three for The Nightmare Room.

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