Original subtitles

DIARY OF A DITCHED GIRL

♪ When we met You thought that I could probably change ♪

♪ I warned you then That baby, I don't seem insane ♪

♪ But I fucking am And I'm rocking a little gold chain ♪

♪ That ain't real gold I told you that it's fucking fake ♪

♪ I spend my money elsewhere on different things ♪

♪ That come in little plastic bags And they disa… ♪

♪ I ain't your average, normal dude ♪

♪ It sure ain't glamorous I keep things loose ♪

And then?

-I just looked. -Why?

I don't know why but, I mean, I felt warm.

Like I felt… fascinated, almost.

♪ Yeah, I'm a savage ♪

♪ I'm really cool ♪

♪ I tried to warn you, I'm loose ♪

So, you just stared at him?

Oh my God, Amanda!

Crazy, right? There's gotta be something wrong with me.

No. You've just been single too long.

There isn't anything wrong with you.

I gotta meet someone soon or I'll die and no one will notice.

Adina, don't die before me. You can't. You gotta promise.

Amanda, you will meet someone.

Oh, sure. I'll find someone now, after 12 years.

Have you actually looked?

I've looked really hard.

Well, maybe your energy says that you're unavailable.

No, it's all because of my work.

All I've been doing is work. Ten years of work. All I've done is work.

Oh, come on now. Amanda, listen, okay?

It's really important to try to manifest an image of what you want.

-Then you'll send out the right signals. -Okay. What is it I want?

-Right. -I've no idea.

I want a second date and I wanna get laid.

I want someone good-looking who's funny and smart and witty and…

who travels, is rich,

with good morals.

Someone clever,

who makes good coffee.

I don't know. Someone who loves me.

And there's no reason why you shouldn't have that.

It could just be that we're married to the cosmos, you know. Oof.

Come on, Mom.

-And that's the problem. -No.

-Just a thought. -Mom.

Hey, what if she's right?

Come on, I was only ten years old.

Wait, that… that was total bullshit.

I met Filip after that, didn't I?

But maybe that's how you get OCD.

Your mother marries you off to the cosmos too young.

Yeah.

So, are you coming to this thing naked or…?

Hello!

-Right, there she is. -Hello! Hi!

Come on, come on, come on!

-Oh, my God. -Coming!

Oh, hey there!

Oh, dammit!

Look out!

That's my fucking shoe!

Your shoe!

Thank God!

Oh, my God, it's not…

-It's totally fine, look. -It's like Cinderella.

-A miracle. -Insane.

-Ready? -My God.

-Can we go? -Yes.

Ah, Jabba!

Congratulations, Dr. Jabba!

-Come here! -Oh, my God!

We're so fucking proud of you. Fully qualified!

-She's a doctor! -Come here, Dr. Jabba.

This is just so huge.

-What's all this? -This is for you.

-Jabba? -Yes?

Okay. So, how does it feel?

Oh, like shit. It's shit.

-Like shit? -Yeah.

What the hell?

Well, because it's my fault if someone dies now.

-I can be reported. -That's true.

-Knowing her… -No way.

If someone's dying on a plane you get to say,

"Hi there's a doctor onboard."

-Like a movie. -Mm, total nightmare. I don't want to.

-I got the most expensive ones. -Wow. Really.

-Oh. -You guys!

Thank you so much.

-Of course. -They're really sweet.

You'll be the sexiest doctor at the hospital.

-Aww. -Exactly.

You can't just wear anything in the hospital now.

-Important question. -Yeah?

-Hit me. -We've got Saruman, Gollum or Denethor.

Who do you fuck?

-I'd go Gollum. -What the fuck?

-Definitely the worst choice. -He's not!

Imagine how much attention he'd give you.

-Sure… -"My precious."

-Yes! -"Precious." Right?

He just needs a little self-care and he's good to go.

How 'bout you? Who would you choose?

I actually don't know who I'd choose.

You haven't had sex in three years. Any of them will do.

-What are you gonna do? -I'm not doing anything yet.

I'm looking at what's available.

-Stop it. -Not here.

No, seriously. It's an emergency, you know?

Don't say it's an emergency.

-You're stressing me out. -It'll be okay.

Let's just see what we're working with.

-Oh, fuck off man. Shut the fuck up. -Go, man.

Is that Emil… Emil Wester?

-Yep. -It is, yeah.

-Kill me now. -Emil fucking Wester!

-She tried to kiss him in seventh grade. -God.

-It did not go well. -What happened?

She tried to kiss him, and then he got angry,

-He ended up chasing her round the garden. -It wasn't funny.

I was literally running for my life.

And then he organized a tribal council with the boys,

and all of them except for one,

voted me out of there.

-Ew. That sounds awful. -That's insane.

I mean, he's always been a sadist.

Hang on a minute, who voted to keep you?

-I don't actually know. -No?

-Is he fuckable? -Wow. Mm!

-Oh, my God, will you just give it a rest? -Yes!

-That's a fair question. -It's terrible!

Guys, uh, who can drink the most without burping?

-Me. -Let's see then.

-Let's go. -I'm not chugging this, I'm poor.

-Amanda, hey, do you see this, or…? -Uh-huh.

Okay? You know it's my party?

-Are you paying? -She's graduated.

-Can you afford it? -Yes!

-Okay. -You good now?

-Let's go. -Great.

-Okay, go! -One, two, three.

-She got a head start. -Hey, no cheating!

I didn't burp.

You cheated, you started early.

-Ugh! -Ew! So gross.

Amanda!

-Hi. -Hey.

How's things?

I'm good.

You haven't… changed.

Okay.

I meant that in a good way. Um…

You, neither.

Well, I hope I have, considering what…

I don't know, it's kind of, um…

There's still soap in there, I don't know about that one.

-Okay. So, here's one. -Mm-hmm.

-Fuck, marry, kill. -Yeah?

Céline Dion…

-Mm. -Yep.

-Whitney Houston… -Hmm.

-Yep. -Or Cher?

Wait, who's Céline Dion?

Céline Dion? Titanic?

I dunno if I could eat pussy. I'd have to see how I felt.

Imagine you could.

Okay. I don't know.

I guess Whitney Houston would be too high.

No, she'd be down.

You've eaten pussy?

♪ Little cloud what happened to you ♪

♪ No one ever told you what to do ♪

♪ You kept a leopard in your bed ♪

♪ No one knew what went on in your head ♪

I'm divorcing you, cosmos.

It's over, cosmos.

It's over, cosmos. It's over. I'm divorcing you, cosmos.

-Hi, do you need help? -It's o--

Is it full again?

God, they suck at this.

-No. -Great.

-Great. -Yeah.

See ya!

-Ta-da! -Oh, my God!

Wow!

-That's awesome, Amanda. -Right?

It looks great.

But, I don't believe there are supposed to be lights.

Right, but if we put a little extra effort in

then that way we'll get more and more jobs.

-Uh-huh. -I think this is how we need to do things.

-Creatively, you know? -Mm.

Hand out freebies.

Where the hell did I put my phone?

Sometimes, you just have to think outside the box.

But I know this'll get us more work. Okay?

You're lovely.

-Amanda, I'm stressed out by these bills. -Where are you?!

I mean, there are just so many.

-I don't know how we'll pay. -I know I had it.

Mom, stop! I can't hear! We can't…

I'm looking for my phone. I can't find it.

We can't hear and we're trying to do important things.

You gotta ask somebody to call you. Your energy is really off today.

Mom, we really need to talk about these bills. They're piling up.

-We need more business and if-- -Wait, I'm calling it. Shhh!

-I can't hear it. Can you… -Shh!

-I don't hear a thing. Not a thing. -Be quiet.

-Stand still. -Stop!

It's here somewhere.

-There! -Ah!

Why does it say "La Bamba"?

Well, because everyone I love has a pet name.

-And I'm La Bamba? -Yep.

-And what's Adina's? -The Queen.

And Magnus is My Sexy Tiger.

And I'm La Bamba?

-Yeah. -I don't think it's funny.

-Speaking of… -We need to--

I have something that I know will solve all your love problems.

-Wait a second. -But I don't… I'm not interested.

Mom, can it wait a minute? Can we please focus a little?

Look, we have to talk about these bills.

Yes, "Queen."

Mom, come on!

Here she is!

How exciting!

-Coming closer! -Ta-da! Show yourself!

-Ah! -Ooh!

-You look amazing! -So hot!

-Did Adina do that? -Yes.

Right? This is the new me.

I'm gonna get into a relationship and do some spooning and shit like--

-Making love too. -Uh-huh.

-Opening a bank account together, or… -Ooh.

-Romantic. -Like a joint one?

Well, it's practical.

Wait… Can you bring me my top, please, Adina?

How did your date go yesterday? The one at Kallis.

-Mm. How was it? -Mm-hmm.

Yeah. We went to a co-ed sauna. It was good.

-Mm-hmm. -Come on, Jabba!

-I mean, the co-ed sauna? -Yeah.

Isn't it a little weird to see his limp dick on the first date?

But it doesn't end there.

Listen to this. When I got up, I noticed on my sauna sheet,

this big, red period stain.

Which means everyone, everyone saw it.

Excuse me. Did you just say "sauna sheet"?

Yeah.

Are you like, ninety?

-That's what you're focusing on? -Thanks.

So what did you do?

Well, I sat back down, what else could I do?

-Christ… -Then it was hushed.

I mean, totally, like, silent.

-For ages. -Oh, my God.

Moving on. Filip, I need to ask you…

Was it you who brought this, uh, new piece into our home?

-It's mine. -It's yours?!

-A present from my mother. -Ah.

-It's a love collage. -Of course.

-She thinks it'll help me. -Okay.

Apparently it belonged to some guru in Goa.

I honestly think that it might work for you.

-You should bring it tonight. -Do not bring it.

-Honestly. -Okay. What should I wear?

-I'm not gonna bring it. -Do not bring it.

I'm not going to!

Just go put something sexy on.

-One last drink before we leave. -Babe, there's no rush.

I wanna come.

-Put this on underneath. -Thank you.

-Hey, I wanna… -Filip can't come!

No, I'm sorry. You cannot come with us. You'll just ruin the whole evening.

-He'll scare the guys off. -Why…?

-Filip is not coming. -That hurts my feelings.

Other people need to have sex.

-If it was up to me, you'd always come. -I don't have friends.

-I know. You've got my friends. -Right?

Okay, you guys are, like, too cute.

What a surprise. Adina is The Queen.

-Oh, of course. -The Queen? Cute.

But then I'm La Bamba. And I don't know what it means.

I just think Black Mamba condoms.

Can you still buy those? That's so un-PC.

-Oh, you think so? -Yes.

-It's a snake. -Come on!

-No, it's… -It is so.

-Wait, no! It's that song. -The Black Mamba.

-With Richie Valens. You know? -Oh, she's right.

-What song? -You know…

♪ La la la la la Bamba ♪

-Oh! -Yeah. Yeah!

-♪ La la la la la Bamba ♪ -Is it that one? Oh, my God!

-Take this. -But if he died in a…

That means I can never fly again. This is bad.

Amanda, my OCD is much worse than yours.

-But I still met Filip. -Yeah.

You will be able to fly,

you'll go on a ton of vacations and have lots of sex, okay?

So much fucking.

-Yes! -Yes, babe!

-Lilleman! -There's more than one line.

There are two lines.

-Sorry, how much? No, thanks. -I don't think so.

-Where can we…? -There.

Yeah.

-On three. -One, two, three!

Fuck! One, two, three.

Fuck!

-One, two, three. -Fucker!

Okay, yours goes first.

-So gross! -Put it down.

We need the… We need the whip.

-Yeah. -Either of you have the whip?

No.

-Do you have the whip? -Hm?

-We need the whip. -The…

-The horse whip! -Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Okay, slow down, girl. -Sorry.

-Here you go. -So, turn around for me.

Ow!

Your turn. Here.

-I don't wanna. No! -Yes!

So fucking boring. It's what we're here for, no?

To find somebody to be our prey.

Hey!

No? No?

Girl you need to ask before you whip someone.

-What? -You need to ask before you whip someone.

Okay. We don't need your energy right now. Love you! But you're a killjoy.

Sorry, excuse me.

Here.

Hello!

Sorry to interrupt but I have a question:

Do any of you guys wanna get spanked?

-Seriously? -Am I serious?

-Of course. -All right.

-Are you sure? -Do your worst.

My worst? Are you sure you can handle it?

Oh my God! You!

Are you okay?

Okay, you want my worst? I will show you.

But first, you're getting a turn. This guy needs a spank, okay?

-I don't wanna. -Come on.

Amanda, do you want to meet someone or not? Huh?

This isn't how you meet someone, is it?

It could be how though. Hm?

-Fine. -Fine.

-All right! -Yes!

Turn around!

Woo-hoo!

She's a little heavy-handed. But it did look like you liked it.

-Oh, yeah. Absolutely. -I'm sorry!

-Anybody else? -Are you ready?

Who wants a spanking?

Here it comes!

Oh, my fucking God! Yes!

I've found two tens, okay?

-Come on! -No.

-You can't have! -For real.

They are waiting upstairs, and you are my wing woman.

-But I don't wanna do that. -Yes!

Please! This guy's perfect for me.

-Look, I can't, okay? -You have to!

Amanda! Sex vacations with boyfriends.

-So go for it! -Okay.

-You in? -Yes!

Amanda, they're fucking hot.

Make sure you ask first!

It's perfect. There's one who's your type, and one who's mine!

Oh, God. Show me then.

Okay. There.

-Him. -No.

-The one on the left, okay? -No. Stop.

-I'll take the other one. -They are way too preppy. No way.

-They have these perfect white teeth. -Yeah, but…

And they always have an unopened tube of toothpaste at home.

-Whoa, hang on a minute. -Just waiting.

They've never been in debt.

-I don't even have toilet paper! -What the fuck?

-I'm an ogre! -Who cares?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Why do you care about their teeth? Amanda, you're a fucking ten.

You're a fucking ten. Say it, "I'm a fucking ten."

-You're a fucking ten! -A fucking ten!

You're a fucking ten! Okay, come on. You're ready.

Just be yourself.

Oh, shit!

You're a fucking ten, hmm?

-Yeah, yeah. -Hey!

-I just wanna say hi. -Well, hello.

-Hi. And this is my friend Amanda. -Hey.

She has a phobia of straight teeth, but also kills at Mario Kart.

-Mm. -So I thought you'd be a great match.

-I'm Lilleman. -Oh, she's the best.

-Anton. -Thanks. I am, right?

The best.

-I wasn't expecting to see the best. -Well, tonight's your lucky night.

-Yeah, you stand out. -So they all say.

So, I think you should buy a drink for me.

Sounds good.

-It does? Mm? -Yeah.

-Come on. -I'll be back soon, okay?

-Real soon. -Mm-hmm.

So, you should know, I'm a girl who likes expensive drinks…

So,

a phobia of straight teeth?

-It's true. -Your teeth are straight.

Yeah, it's a problem.

Look, I can't brush my own teeth. I can't look in the mirror anymore.

How about these? I mean, are they triggering?

It's very helpful for me to be exposed to my phobias.

-Right, yeah. Yep. -Exactly.

-I get it. -In a spontaneous way.

-So I'm helping you out. -Exactly.

Hmm.

Okay, Amanda.

Is there anything else important that you need to tell me?

While we're at it?

-"While we're at it"? -Yeah.

-You mean like other body phobias? -Yeah, something like that.

No, I'm normal.

-Are you? -Yeah.

-Nah… -I'm just like everyone else.

-Just a little better. -Ooh…

A little better?

-Here, take this. -No.

I insist.

I can't believe they lost your jacket.

There.

You know, that's so typical of low-end clubs.

-Uh-huh. -They're the worst.

Right.

Oh, perfect timing.

-Are we taking a cab? -Of course.

No, no! We can walk, I don't care. Really.

Wait, what?

Of course we'll take a cab.

Walking through Malmö at night? Do you want to get robbed?

-Jump in. -Okay.

-Hi. -Hello.

-Welcome. -Wow!

-Would you like a drink? Beer, bubbly? -Sure.

-Beer, please. -Yeah?

-Wow. -Yeah.

-This is so nice. -Thanks.

-Ah! The king. -Yeah.

I think I've read it maybe… three or four times.

-His book? -Yeah.

I AM ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIĆ

-I haven't… -You haven't read it?

Yet.

It's a classic, come on. Right?

But I live next to the school he attended.

So, if you ever want a special tour, you know…

…I'm your girl.

Right, so that's a weekend thing?

It's my side hustle. And I've got stuff that's not in the book either.

And you know that even though you haven't read it?

-Of course. -Mm, I see.

I've got good intuition.

Mm.

Do you now?

So do I.

Sorry. Uh, I just need to…

-Where's the toilet? -It's, uh, down the hall.

-Are you okay? -Yeah. Of course.

Well…

Would you like a bath?

Sorry, there's a lipstick stain.

Oh, yeah.

I guess it needs to come off.

Come here.

Lift your leg a little. Yeah. Right there.

Let's put a little pillow underneath you.

Hold on, lift your ass up.

Just one more little pillow here. There.

Good.

Right.

Bridge position. Bridge. Bridge!

There. Arch your back. Arch it.

Turn around. Turn around.

Fuck. Wait, I…

I got a cramp in my leg.

Put your ass up.

Yeah. That's it.

Wait. Head, there.

That's it.

There.

Stretch your legs. Stretch your legs out.

There. Fuck, yeah. That's it, that's it!

That's it. You like that? Check out the view.

That was nice.

-You came too, right? -What?

-You came too? -Uh-huh.

Nice.

Okay, well…

I guess I'll head back.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh…

Thank you for tonight.

Hey, can I borrow the book?

-You mean Zlatan's? -Yeah.

I just thought I should study before the special tour.

Uh… Yeah.

Absolutely.

Please be careful.

Of course.

-The Super Guide. -Yeah.

I'll read it all.

You should.

Yeah. Well, uh, talk soon then.

-Talk soon. -Right.

-Sleep well. -I'll go now.

-Bye. -Night.

-See ya. -Bye.

♪ It was always ♪

♪ What you said it would be ♪

♪ And nothing more ♪

♪ Through the smoke screens And the pipe dreams ♪

♪ And the blood on the floor ♪

♪ You say it's black ♪

♪ Well, it's bound to be black ♪

♪ You made up your mind And you see with that ♪

♪ Baby, if you wanna be right ♪

♪ I will let you be right ♪

♪ I will let you be right ♪

♪ You know that the numbers don't lie ♪

♪ Oh no, the numbers don't lie ♪

♪ Two wrongs will not make it right ♪

♪ You said, "One and one And one and one is three" ♪

♪ I know my lines and my graphs And my math ♪

♪ Honey, that ain't me ♪

You're fucking kidding, Amanda.

What a fucking asshole. Okay, just… just read it again.

The last bit, yeah?

I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

Here. "I wanna be honest, I've started dating an ex again,

but I also wanna see you, so I'm conflicted."

But, so… What a fucking asshole! Idiot.

He's conflicted, right?

Right? It's not a "no" then.

Uh, seriously?

You'll have to see the chiropractor after every time you fuck.

Yeah, that's true.

Okay. What do I say?

You say, "Suck my cock, you fucking pussy."

-What?! No. -No, don't do that.

Just say, um… "Well, let's leave it there then."

-You know? -Okay. That's a good response.

Really good. Okay…

"Let's leave it there then."

THEN I THINK I'LL PASS, SO NO, THANKS.

Awesome. Thank you. Love you.

-Mm, see you later. -Bye, sis.

-Yeah. Bye. -Yeah.

SURE, THAT'S FINE BY ME.

WHEN CAN I SEE YOU?

♪ If you want it, you can have it ♪

♪ All the lines on the cellar floor ♪

♪ Don't mean nothing ♪

♪ Just a bad dream ♪

♪ Even if you think it's more ♪

♪ Well, you know That the number's don't lie ♪

♪ Oh no, the number's don't lie ♪

♪ Oh no, the number's don't lie ♪