Original subtitles

Hey, folks, it's me,

Dwayne Hoover, slashing prices 'cause we're going bananas

down here for Hawaiian week.

Come on down to Exit 11 Motor Village,

and I'm gonna slash some prices just for you!

Hey. Ask anybody. You can trust Dwayne Hoover.

deadly germ Anthrax for use as a weapon

II Is there something you wanted

to say? I'm sorry.

Sorry?

Sorry I made us order

the pepperoni and anchovies.

Your breakfast, Mrs. Hoover.

When your stomach is under attack,

fight back with maximumstrength tripeptid.

Now available in new orange flavor.

Soothing, fast relief, naturally.

So, now how do you feel?

Take my hand

I'm a stranger in paradise

I'm lost in a wonderland

A stranger in paradise

If I stand starryeyed

That's a danger in paradise

A mortal to stand beside

An angel like you Mr. Hoover,

breakfast of champions!

Breakfast of champions,

Mr. Hoover.

Because some things

are too important to trust to just anybody.

Coming up, right after these messages.

Great news, people, today is not the day.

Hello, Lottie. Hello, sir.

White shoulders, you know I love it.

Dwayne

The poison bubbles almost won.

The poison bubbles.

The poison bubbles almost won.

Talk to me. Please.

Well, Hawaiian week down at the showroom.

Ah! I saw your ad on TV, yes.

Please say something.

Well, what should I say?

Anything you feel like saying, you're Dwayne Hoover!

People know who you are, don't they?

That's right, Lottie, they do know who I am.

Who am I

Please.

Are you sorry?

You can trust Dwayne Hoover. Sure. Sure, I'm sorry.

Sorry as heck. Then say something.

What should I say, Celia? I mean, I'm just

I'm just looking for a

A sign. Anything, really, Celia.

I mean

All day long and Not much, you know? I mean

There are days when I just think, Is it me or what?

What? Yeah.

I know what you can say, Dwayne.

What?

You can say,

Goodbye, Blue Monday. Goodbye, Blue Monday.

I have never experienced

such safe, fast, and effective relief.

Oh.

With a laugh, I can finally say,

Goodbye, Blue Monday.

No, no.

No, no, Nippy. No, no.

Ow!

No, Nippy! I swear I'm armed! I'll shoot!

Hey, Nippy!

This is how dogs get themselves killed.

In oh so many ways

A wedding day

If I saw you on your wedding day

Dear Mr. Kilgore Trout,

my name is Eliot Rosewater,

and this is a fan letter.

Plague on Wheels is the greatest novel

Plague on Wheels is the greatest novel

in the English language.

I promise to make you famous.

You should be president of the United States.

What the hell! I mean, look at the handwriting.

Must be from a kid of 14.

Promise to make you famous.

My first fan letter ever,

and I'll show you what I'm gonna do with it. I'll Watch this.

Two hundred novels, 2,000 short stories.

Never heard back from one publisher, not one,

except that wideopen beaver outfit,

and they didn't pay me doodleysquat.

And then I get a fan letter.

Well, I'll burn you out of my body bag.

I'll be glad when it's over.

Can't wait till my head's as empty as the day I was born

onto this damaged planet all those years ago

Empty as a child's,

a very young child's.

That's why I wrote those stories, Bill.

Get rid of all the junk that's built up over the years.

Hey, folks, it's me.

Dwayne Hoover.

Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover.

Dwayne Hoover.

Dwayne Hoover.

There he goes, Grace.

He's driving by the house because he knows.

I'm telling ya, Grace.

He knows.

He doesn't know a damn thing, Harry.

Now, will you please get over here and sit down.

I'm telling you, Grace, Dwayne Hoover

Dwayne Hoover knows everything.

That is such bullshit.

Dwayne Hoover doesn't know his son is a freak.

He doesn't know his wife is suicidal.

He doesn't know. Besides, who cares if Dwayne Hoover knows?

Oh, well

I care, because I'm his sales manager, and I'm telling you

that Dwayne Hoover is saying and doing things he never used to.

Come here, big boy. Grace, listen to me.

I got somethin' you want. I've known

Dwayne Hoover for over 21 years.

I know him the way a combat soldier knows his buddy.

Jesus, he knows me.

Harry, first of all, listen to me.

You were never in the army.

Second of all, we're the only people in this whole town

who have any kind of sex life.

You should be proud.

Grace, I try, oh, but I can't.

Oh, Jesus. I'm the freak, not Dwayne Hoover.

Me! I mean, look. I got a sex problem.

I'll tell you who has a sex problem, Harry.

How many orgasms do you think Dwayne Hoover has a month,

huh? Lift your skirt up.

I don't care how many times

Dwayne Hoover comes a month. I have 87,

and you have 36.

People like Dwayne Hoover have 1.5. 1.5, Harry.

Now, that is sick.

Let's move to Hawaii and get a condo in Maui

like we've always wanted. Oh, Grace, you know we can't.

I mean, think of my job.

Think how long it's taken me to become what I am.

Maui.

Maui.

Maui.

Maui.

This is an emergency evacuation.

There is an environmental emergency.

Hey! Get out of the car, asshole!

I'm gonna teach you a lesson- why, you're Mr. Dwayne Hoover.

I bought my new car down at Exit 11 Motor Village.

Where am I? Oh, Sugar Creek Estates.

What is happening here? Oh, don't worry, Mr. Hoover.

Somebody just dumping sludge in the creek.

But the guys are gettin' it cleaned up.

You can go on through if you want to,

but keep it kinda slow for me, will ya, please?

Hey, you can't go there! I got your license plate!

That was Mr. Hoover from Exit 11.

Oh, I should have got his autograph.

Doggone it. My wife's never gonna believe that I did this.

What's that? Another special delivery.

Two in one week! You ain't dead yet, old man. Here you go.

Dear Mr. Trout,

My name is Fred T. Barry, Chairman of the Arts Festival,

celebrating the opening of the Mildred T. Barry

Memorial Center for the Arts,

in Midland City.

It would be our most profound honor

for you to be one of our creative and distinguished

outoftown participants. This check for 1,000 dollars

is for travel expenses and an honorarium.

Why all this sudden interest in Kilgore Trout, Bill, huh?

Some mistake's been made. No question.

Maybe they've invited me because they know I've got a tuxedo.

Ever show you my tuxedo, Bill, huh? Yeah.

If they really want Kilgore Trout,

they'll want him in a tuxedo. Ah.

High school dance.

Believe it or not, once even I was young, Bill. Me.

Hey.

Yeah, it's quite a good fit, huh? Hey, Bill, what is that?

Cha, cha, cha.

Cha, cha, cha.

I'm too old for all that.

Why go all the way out to Midland City just

to make a laughingstock of myself? I'm my only fan.

Anyway, if I went out there, I'd want to read

out loud from my own stuff.

Means I'd have to go to those wideopen beaver bookshops

and dig out some of my published work.

They don't want nothin' but smilers out there.

Unhappy failures need not apply.

Maybe unhappy failures is exactly what they should see.

Show those provincials

what nobody's ever seen before at an arts festival.

Someone who's devoted his entire life

searching for truth and beauty

and didn't find doodleysquat.

The creator who's failed and failed and failed.

Think there's anybody in Midland City

who'd listen to a cockroach like that, Bill?

Anybody at all, huh?

Maybe it's my mission, Bill. Think it could be my mission?

Dwayne.

Happy, happy birthday From your staff all who

We wish you happy birthday

So we could party too, hey!

See? See, Francine? What'd I tell you?

Something's come over him. I've never seen this Dwayne before.

Oh, Harry.

Dwayne may be the most charming man in Midland City,

but he's also very shy.

Well, I don't find him so charming anymore.

He was walking away from me just now.

Oh, Harry.

Dwayne Hoover has fewer bad days than anybody else I know.

But why me? Oh, Harry!

Why me?

Dwayne? Honey! Not now, Francine.

I mean, Mr. Hoover.

Just leave me alone, please.

We didn't mean to embarrass you.

I was embarrassed.

Can we have breakfast, please?

It's your birthday.

Don't touch me. They're all watching.

Nobody can see what we're doing. Nobody can hear us.

Hey! Francine. What?

Why are you pouring cream in my bananas?

It's not cream, it's La Crème.

It's like cream only better

I only like sugar on my bananas. Francine, you know that.

I don't like when you're sharp, Dwayne Hoover,

and you've been sharp quite a lot lately.

It's beginning to make me think

that the things Harry Le Sabre

says about you are true.

What things? What's Harry saying?

Oh, that you've changed,

that you're not the man you used to be.

I swear, Francine,

this is why I go home and talk to my dog for hours and hours,

and my dog hates my guts.

Dwayne Hoover, am I losing you?

The only thing anyone's losing around here is their mind,

Francine.

If you don't like me anymore, Dwayne Hoover, just say so.

I can take the truth.

Truth

Damn, Rosemary, take them damn pills!

You're turnin' me into plutonium!

Oh, good morning, Mr. Hoover.

You're looking especially well this morning.

Excuse me, we are having a private-

Francine, I mean sir

We are having a private conversation, if you don't mind.

We gotta get outta here

right now! Vernon, get-

get your hands off me, murderer!

I want Dwayne Hoover to take me home.

Vernon, this is a demerit on your performance record.

I know things that could make your head spin.

My head spins all the time. I'm trying to make it stop.

We gotta get outta here

right now!

Is there anything I can get for you, Mr. Hoover?

Oh, I can't stand that woman. She is such a phony.

That was a real violation of protocol.

Dwayne? Dwayne?

Hey, I didn't know Vernon had an SE coupe just like mine.

I don't care!

I love him! Francine

Except he's got a rear deck spoiler.

Francine, please.

They look awfully masculine, don't you think, Dwayne?

Francine, please be quiet.

Dwayne, are you changing again? Harry was right.

Oh, shut up!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Francine, I didn't mean it.

Sit down, please. No.

Mr. Hoover,

I am crossing the street and going directly

to work. Hey, it's Dwayne Hoover!

I will behave in a How you doin'!

professional manner, no matter how much you've changed.

A thousand dollars. That's a lot of paper.

A lot of paper, a thousand dollars.

Who in their right mind would give me a thousand dollars?

Why me?

And they think I can write? I can write?

I'll show 'em.

Howdy, partners!

Dwayne Hoover here! And the stampede is on at

Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village! It's Hawaiian week,

and that means great savings on new and used cars and trucks.

So don't get left out in the dust!

Come on down and check out our big deals on big horsepower!

Whoo!

That's right, it is Hawaiian Week

at Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village

Why Wayne Hoobler smilin'? Wayne Hoobler gettin' out today?

That there is Dwayne Hoover on television.

My name and his sound so much alike.

You can trust Dwayne Hoover. I trust him.

Can't trust nobody, Wayne Hoobler, just me.

Oh, no, I trust Dwayne Hoover,

and I'm gonna work for him at Exit 11 Motor Village

in Midland City.

Don't forget, Dwayne Hoover means good business.

I'm gonna live happily ever after in fairy-

Gonna say fairyland, Wayne Hoobler?

No. No, honest. Swear.

Gallop on down to Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!

All you know is from watchin' TV.

We got you covered. You can't even count money.

Let me tell you something.

The creator of the universe is watchin' over me,

and I'm gonna work for Dwayne Hoover 'cause it's my callin'.

Warden's ready for you, Hoobler. It's your lucky day.

Not yours, Eli.

Where in hell do they get these crazy picture ideas?

There's absolutely nothing about a college professor

or sorority girls in the body of this novel.

Excuse me.

No women, for cryin' out loud.

That's why I didn't get paid for it.

All I got was doodleysquat.

Doodleysquat.

Watch it, perverted bastard.

My God! The Dancing Fool.

I never realized this had been published. This

must be more than 30 years old.

It's for an arts festival.

What is the purpose of life?

To be the eyes and ears

and conscience of the creator of the universe. Ya fool!

Let's go over their descriptions again.

Try age, color of skin, et cetera.

For all I know they may not have been earthlings. For all I know

they may have been an intelligent gas from Pluto.

You have some blood on your nose.

A small leak can sink a great ship. Benjamin Franklin.

That gas moved fast like a

fart on linoleum. Kilgore Trout.

Hey! Don't be a caveman!

Escape to the future, and come on down to Dwayne Hoover's

Exit 11 Motor Village and I'll make ya a mammoth deal!

That's right, folks. It's Hawaiian week,

and you can trust your old pal- that's me, Dwayne Hoover-

to make you a great deal on a luxury sedan

just like this one.

Your stop, Hoobler.

And I'm talkin' luxury with attitude, folks.

Yes, sirree, Bob. Luxury with style. Luxury with

bird shit on the hood!

Pan to Le Sabre. There's bird shit on the hood!

Harry, you're on!

Hi. I'm Harry Le Sabre.

Sales manager for Exit 11 Motor Village.

As Dwayne Hoover just told you folks, it's Hawaiian week here.

Tell them about the bird shit on the hood, why don't ya?

And we're loaded with new cars and trucks!

Hawaiian week celebrates our inventory reduction sale.

So come on down and drive out with a new automobile,

plus a cash rebate of 1,149 dollars

and become eligible for a free trip to Hawaii.

So, remember,

it's not too late to enter! It is Remember

Let us prove to you

that what's good for Dwayne Hoover

is good for you

too!

I'd like to see you in my office right away, Harry.

Cut, cut.

Harry, what the hell were you thinking?

Do you think we got anything? Not much.

Harry, you spoiled the whole thing!

Mr. Hoover!

Mr. Hoover, I'm sorry about yesterday morning

in the restaurant. My wife, you know, she's

She sees things that aren't really there.

I understand.

Maybe I'm goin' crazy. I don't know.

I'll go home for hours and talk with my goshdarn dog.

I understand. Mr. Hoover!

How you doing, there, sir? Good morning,

It's a pleasure to finally meet you. I've been watching you

half of my life. Good morning.

Remember this? It's from your July 4th Firecracker Sale.

Yeah. Had it in my wallet

since I was nine. Good morning.

Sir, the good Lord meant for us to work so close

because our names are so close, you see?

Mine is Wayne Hoobler. Hoobler.

Isn't that beautiful?

I'm gonna have my own car dealership one day

just like you.

Never told anyone that though. Saved it just for you, sir.

Good morning. Good morning, sir.

It's a great morning, sir.

Beautiful day, sir! Just stop shaking my hand now,

young man.

You know, you look great. Hop on in.

Young man! Young man! That's what I told Eli.

Young man! Stop shaking my

My God.

Fairyland!

Harry! Harry!

Come over here. I need to speak to you right this second.

I didn't really say that.

Dwayne, what can I say?

I always knew you'd find out someday. But, you know, we've

been friends far too long for such a thing to ever interfere-

with our relationship. Harry. Harry. Harry.

Do you see thisHarry! Do you see this young man over here?

Please. Take good care of him. Yeah.

Okay. Give him whatever he wants.

Dwayne, I don't know what made me think I could

hide it from you. You know, Grace said

Harry! Harry! it's just a-

Harry!

We'll discuss it in my office, okay?

All right.

The inquisition.

Harry, put 'er there. Hello.

Wayne Hoobler. Hoobler.

Hoobler, yes. It's a pleasure.

That your office back there? Yes.

Let's go take a look. Oh!

For some reason,

this looks like it's turning out to be another one of those

tough days, Francine, so let's just keep everything nice and-

Excuse me, Mr. Hoover.

Ever since breakfast yesterday

I've been thinking very hard on the subject, and

I've decided that I feel I should quit.

I think it'll be easier on both of us.

You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps.

Well, that's just to keep people from being serious all the time,

Mr. Sourpuss.

I'm sorry, Dwayne. I know you're just tense.

You'reyou're under a lot of pressure.

You remember how you were last year

during the George Washington Day Giveaway Sale?

Uhuhuhuhuh.

I swear, some people will swallow almost anything.

I'm sorry. I wasn't referring to your wife when I said that.

Dwayne, I have a little something for you.

Just a gift to take with you.

And, um, I forgive you for yesterday

snooks.

I've been watching Dwayne Hoover ever since I was nine years old.

Nine years old. Uhhuh.

Did he ever say anything about me, about my habits?

He said you'd give me what I need.

Give you what you need. Well

I wonder what the hell he meant by that, huh?

No, please. Put that down.

That's much, much better. It's a little medicine.

Now, why don't you fill out this entry form here,

and let's see what we can do for you.

Oh, what would you like?

Hayhayway Sports sedan, for color?

Metallic gray purple. Now that should make your mouth water.

That should make life in the passing lane

a little more comfortable, huh?

Hawaii.

Hawaii. It's Hawaiian Week,

and you're eligible for a free trip to Hawaii.

I don't wanna go there.

Just come and sit down.

I wanna stay here.

Well, that's all right.

You don't have to go. That's all right.

Now, do you have a tradein?

A trade?

Yes.

Yes, sir.

I'm a homemaker, honest.

Oh, you're a homemaker, huh?

Well, maybe this sports sedan isn't quite right for you.

How about a Crown Victoria?

One owner, low miles. Little old lady

only drove it to a retirement home.

You have that for me?

Yes.

Just sign right here and I'll get you the keys.

Fairyland!

What?

What? What'd you just say?

I didn't say nothin'. I didn't say nothin'.

Yes, you did.

Must've been somebody- No, no. Goddamn it.

I distinctly heard you say, FFairy.

Why'd you say that?

Please, please help me. I need to know why you said that.

Now look, look. Is that the image?

Is that the image? Does it show?

For God's sake, man, tell me! Does it show?

Please don't tell Dwayne Hoover!

Look, I'm not lost, I swear!

I promise. It's just, it's just all the colors!

Colors? What colors?

For Christ's sake, you have colors on!

This is a black suit!

This is a conservative black suit.

Oh. Oh. Much, much better.

Now, sit down, Mr. Hoover. Bler.

Uh, Bler? Hoobler.

Oh.

See, the good Lord gave us names so close,

so that both of us would know exactly what to do.

Hoobler. That's true.

Now, listen to me.

Now, there are ways to hide these papers.

Permanently.

But you, you must never, ever tell anyone

about our little talk today.

Yes, sir. Ah.

And thank you, sir. Oh, thank you.

Could you do me a favor? Mmhm.

Tell Dwayne Hoover I'll be here

bright and early in the morning.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait.

You can't come back.

Bright and early!

It's my calling!

You can't come back!

One, two, three, four.

Hello?

Dwayne knows. Everybody knows.

He wants to see me in his office. What do I do?

I'm a nervous wreck.

Just take a Relax.

Oh, Jesus, I've already taken four time capsules, Grace.

Maui beckons. No, no, no. Please, Grace.

Please. This is very, very important. Listen to me.

Harry, what's important is what is,

and you are the result of two million biological years.

Don't blow it. I love you.

Ah! Don't blow it, yeah.

Dear Mr. Hoover, Sugar Creek Estates,

of which you are the primary stockholder and chief developer,

will be the subject of a public forum

to discuss the toxic soil findings

beneath the development site.

Midland City. Come on.

Ah, how can you stand that smell out there?

Whoa, shut the door.

Whoo! Whoo.

It's all poison now.

Think of the shit most of these factories make.

Raspberry air freshener. Gourmet cat food.

Plastic donuts.

I used to be a conservationist.

Used to weep and wail when I heard

about people shooting bald eagles

from the helicopters and all that.

But I gave it up. I laugh about it now.

I say, Up your ass! Man needs his gas!

You ever read a story called Gilgongo?

About a planet that becomes too unpleasant because there was

too much creation going on?

Gil what? Gilgongo.

Extinct.

I gotta take a leak.

I understand that to mean you're gonna steal a mirror.

Steal a mirror? Leaks.

The holes between two universes.

Don't get too near to that leak.

You don't want to wind up in the other universe, do you?

Uh, maybe you should take some more time to relax, Gramps.

Time is a joker. The only solution to any problem is time.

How lucky can you get?

All right, that's 23.50 for the diesel.

Yeah, don't forget to clean the side leak there.

The what? The leak.

The mirror!

Oh, the mir- Oh, well, that's funny.

What are you lookin' at?

Just a goshdarn minute!

Okay.

Dwayne.

How's my old Army buddy?

As well as can be expected, Harry.

How about you? You having any problems?

No. No.

I, uh I don't know how to say it, buddy.

I guess it started with a Tugboat Annie movie.

Yeah?

Yeah. Maybe it was panties on a clothesline,

or Mother's bra in the laundry,

or, you know, sister's slip, the silk.

Harry, Vernon Garr's wife, Rosemary,

thinks Vern is trying to turn her brain into plutonium.

What do you think of that?

Oh

God, that's just

We play around. Horsie, dressy.

Grace and I, it's fun.

But it's a private thing. It's in our own house.

We don't-

You know-

What's wrong?

It's, we don't have any children.

So, you know, why contribute to overpopulation?

Harry, sit down please.

Sit down.

Jesus.

Sit down!

That's good. You did sit down.

Why did you sit down, Harry?

Because you asked me to, Dwayne.

Right.

Good.

I asked you to sit down, and you did.

You do that, don't you, Harry?

People ask you to do things and you do that.

Why is that, Harry?

Uh, what are you saying, Dwayne?

What are you saying, Harry?

Well, what I'm saying is that

I guess that I don't really understand my own statement.

You know?

Is that why you're telling people

that I've changed, Harry?

Oh, no, no, no.

I just said you're behaving a little differently.

I meant as a compliment.

You meant it as a compliment.

Yes.

So you weren't happy with the way I was before?

No. Are you sure this doesn't

have anything to do with the fact

that only you know that I was adopted, Harry?

I want the truth!

Good God, Dwayne, no! Come on. We're army buddies. Army!

You weren't in the Army, Harry, remember?

You stayed home.

I was in the Signal Corps.

You were not in the Army.

Harry.

I've never let fact

that you have the name of a Buick come between us.

Have I, Harry? No.

Because you can't help that. Right.

It's not your fault. Right.

You can't change that, can you, Harry?

Mmmm.

But this is Hawaiian Week. Yeah.

I suggest you go get with Vernon Garr.

Have him get you some cotton waste.

Soak it in blue Sunoco.

And I want you to burn your entire wardrobe.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Now, look, in the old days

when we first started selling new cars,

we sold them to older people.

Under those circumstances, it was perfectly all right

to dress the way you dress.

Hey, you could dress like a mortician,

you could dress like my Aunt Clarice for that matter,

but doggone it, Harry, you seem to be forgetting something.

We are selling the most aggressively designed automobile

on the road today for people that are looking

for unsurpassed driving excitement.

But look at you. You're dressed like an undertaker.

Now, Harry, I have some good news.

Modern science has given us a whole

new wonderful array of colors

with exciting names like red, blue, orange, yellow, pink.

Am I making myself clear?

Why don't you come right out and say it, Dwayne?

Say what, Harry?

That I like to wear women's clothes.

Is that what you like, Harry?

Yeah.

Hm.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Not exactly.

Then why do you want me to say

that you like to wear women's clothes, Harry?

God, I don't, Dwayne. I don't, I swear to God I don't.

Then what are you saying?

I'll change. I'll change.

You'll change? Yes.

You'll change? Yes.

I have your word on that. Absolutely.

It's Hawaiian Week, Harry. Mmhm.

I've gotta be able to count on you.

Yes, you can.

So, you change? Mmhm.

Don't you worry about me changing.

No, no, no.

That's fair, isn't it?

Oh, absolutely, that's more than fair.

That's not too much to ask. No, no, no. Good God, no.

And I wanna be friends, like before.

Friends? Yeah.

Buddies?

Buddies.

Buddies. Buddies.

You can go, Harry.

All right.

Right now.

Oh. Yes.

Yes, yes, Dwayne.

Buddies.

Francine.

He said I dress like an undertaker.

Oh, I thought he was gonna bring up-

Just remember, Harry.

Dwayne Hoover is the best employer in town.

Ah.

White is for laundry.

Thank you for calling Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village,

the number one dealership in the Four Corners area,

where we are celebrating Hawaiian Week

with free prizes and big discounts.

This is Francine Pefko, how may I help you?

Francine.

Dwayne.

I want you to walk out of here with me this very moment.

Go to the Best Western Apollo Inn in Shepherdstown.

Mr. Hoover, you ought to have some crazy

teenager who can run off with you whenever you want her to.

I don't want a crazy teenager, Francine, I want you.

Who's this knucklehead, Harry?

It's Wayne Hoobler.

He's a friend of Dwayne's.

Take good care of him, will ya? He looks like a good guy.

Yeah.

How ya doin', buddy? Wanna take her for a spin?

Hey, Mr. Hoover! What say?

Oh, be right back, fellas. We're just going to the bank.

Maybe stop for a snack.

I'll be here when you get back, Mr. Hoover.

You can count on it!

You could fry an egg on this engine if you wanted to.

Extinct. Gilgongo.

The bull elephant

makes his way inexorably

for what he knows to be his own certain death.

Slouching, as it were, to what's his own personal Bethlehem.

Gilgongo!

Oh, I love the smell

of raspberry air freshener.

Hmm. TV helps me relax.

Well, And finally, Estes Lish

we sure do want you relaxed, and Daphne Churl were

Francine. arrested today and charged with

the murders of three elderly Michigan widows

Now why would a thin goodlooking man like that

love a woman so heavy? by lethal injection.

Come up here.

Now, welcome to the Monty Rapid Show,

with Mr. Monty Rapid.

Thank you, my old friend, Virgil.

And welcome, everyone, to The Monty Rapid Show.

Today it is my great privilege to have,

here in the studio as my guest,

Mr. Fred T. Barry Oh, look!

It's Fred T. Barry on The Monty Rapid Show.

Also one of its wealthiest.

I love you, Dwayne.

No, no, Francine, don't. Don't.

I know I promised never to say it,

but it's a promise I can't help breaking all the time.

Please!

I know the subject is painful for you, Dwayne,

ever since your wife started acting crazy.

That's enough! But

Oh! can expect from your-

our Arts Festival, Fred?

Art, Monty, That's it. Oh!

they can expect art.

When I go to heaven

on Judgment Day,

and they ask me what bad things I did down here,

I'm gonna have to tell them, well-

A little art, Monty,

can go a long way. It was a promise I made

Eliot Rosewater to a man I lovedand I kept

Francine. breaking it all the time.

Let's just drop the whole subject.

I promised never to say

Francine, please don't- I love you.

The greatest living writer Love, love, love,

in the English language. love, love,

Jesus. love.

Twist me just a little bit.

Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout

You, like, work so hard.

Kilgore Trout. If I was a man, I'd be tense

Kilgore Trout? all the time, too.

Kilgore Trout.

Dwayne?

Remember when we bundled up baby George

and took him for his first ride in the station wagon?

He was so happy.

You work so hard, honey. Maybe that's why God created women:

to help men relax

from time to time.

You feel better now, dear?

Good.

Oh, darn. Oh, I promised Gloria I'd be back in one hour.

The perfect blast, six feet of choice meats, real dairy cheese.

You know, this would be the perfect location

for a fried chicken franchise right here next to the prison.

Dwayne

you're making a face like a rattlesnake.

Ah!

Aha what? Francine!

Next time you want to ask me for a gift,

do me a favor

and don't hint around

until after we are done making love, okay?

I like to keep my lovemaking and my giftgiving separate!

Dwayne, I don't even know what it is you think I want.

I don't even know what it is you think I want, Dwayne!

Why are you doing this to me?

God bless America!

Every woman has her price, Francine.

Yours just happens to be

200,000 dollars with parking and lights!

It's not for me. It's for you. Everything I want is for you!

Everything is for you! Everything I want is for you,

Dwayne!

Harry Le Sabre was right!

He said you'd changed, and, my God, you've changed.

Dwayne Hoover, you have changed!

I'm sorry I was so cross with you, Francine.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

You're the most loyal and unselfish person

I've ever known in my whole life.

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

I'm so confused. Oh, we all are.

I'm just looking for somebody to steer me in the right direction,

just a sign.

I just need somebody to talk to. That's all.

Well, here, baby.

Sit here and

tell Mommy everything.

Okay.

Then, tell me, please. Tell you what, my sweetheart?

What life is about.

Oh, only God knows that, Dwayne.

Only God God, God. God, God.

God, God. God, God.

Francine? Mmhm?

Did I ever tell you about my trip to headquarters

in Michigan?

When you won the Golden Sales Award?

Yes. Mmmm.

I was given a tour of the research facility.

And do you know what impressed me the most?

What?

The place where they do everything to cars

that you're not supposed to do to cars.

I remember seeing a sign on the door of the building

where they did all this torture.

It said, Destructive Testing.

I remember looking at that sign and thinking,

Is this what I'm here for?

To see just how much a man can take without breaking?

I've lost my way, Francine. Oh.

Take my hand and lead me out of the woods.

You're just tired, honey. I'm way beyond tired.

We're here visiting with Fred T. Barry-

Maybe we should take you to see a doctor?

I don't need to hear what a doctor has to say, Francine.

I've heard what every person in Midland City's had to say twice.

Which one of which one of us would you like, Dwayne?

Dwayne? Dwayne? What is it?

Dwayne?

I need to hear truths I haven't heard before, Francine.

I may need to speak to someone from another planet.

The function of the artist is to triumph over life.

Snuggies! It certainly is.

What about the writers and artists coming to Midland City?

What?

Maybe you should talk to one of them.

Mr. Kilgore Trout.

Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Wow.

Bunny, Bunny Hoover Bunny, the crooner, Hoover

Mr. Rhythm Mover

Let me have a vodka cranberry, will ya?

Got a bladder infection. Right.

Weekdays to please at Best Western Apollo Inn and Lounge

And sometimes So I don't have to scrounge

At the competition, yeah

I'm sure that's enough hairspray, Francine.

Dwayne, just-Just a little. Fine. Looks fine.

Hi.

Checking out so soon? You just got here.

Hey, everybody, now here's a must.

In the lobby it's Dwayne Hoover, the man you can trust.

And there's the lovely

Francine Pefko, No!

Daddy's secretary from the getgo.

Dwayne!

Isn't that your son, George? Yes, that's George.

Can do Francine, I can do Can do a little treasure

Come on, Francine, let's go. Hi, George.

We're leaving. Daddy's pleasure

I didn't know he was in show business

or that he had a showbusiness name like Bunny.

Bunny Hoover can do, yeah

You're loaded with talent, kid. You know that.

Yeah? Absolutely.

Did you ever wonder how they get each one

to taste exactly the same?

Of course, you don't.

You've got too many other things on your mind, bigger things.

I just pray each Sunday that I'll be taken care of,

but you ask questions.

What is going on here?

Everything all right, Mother?

Mom? Mom! Mother!

It's Dwayne Hoover.

Hmm! Look, it's Fred T. Barry. Hello, Dwayne!

And we just saw him on television.

We've located World Classics Library.

What is World Classics Library?

Kilgore Trout's publisher.

Mmm! Listen. This is Fred T. Barry

on behalf of It's Fred T. Barry

on the radio, and he's right next to us.

Do you suppose that means something, Dwayne?

novelist Mr. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout.

Hey!

You're gonna get us killed!

Francine, take a memo!

Mr. Hoover! Turn around, jackass!

What are you, nuts?

I want to meet with Kilgore Trout this weekend

when he comes to Midland City.

You better start driving sensibly, A.S.A.P.,

and I am not kidding!

Just take the goshdarn memo!

Oh!

What kind of name is Kilgore Trout?

On the planet, everything is reversed.

It's chaos.

And the inhabitants live under the snow to keep warm.

They've evolved-

They've evolved nails on what we would call their feet.

They're quadrupeds, and they got eight nails so they don't slip.

And the sun. They don't go in the sun,

because the sun's reversed. It's cold.

It's a cold sun. Cold sun.

Chaos. It's chaos.

Everything's kind of backwards. Soahc. Soahc.

Eliot, I have come to discuss the Arts Festival,

and the arrangements for the El Greco.

Did you find the writer? Kilgore Trout?

Yes, we did.

Wonderful.

IIs he coming here to Midland City?

Yes, Eliot, he is.

Wonderful!

Eliot, do you know where Kilgore Trout's stories appear?

They appear in porno smut magazines!

Tell him, Howell.

Yes, sir.

Whips and Other Trips, Hard Thing and Black Garter Belt.

You mean like this?

What I know is that Kilgore Trout

should win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout.

To enhance your life,

Panasonic technology brings you the information.

What you may not know is

that we also bring you the longlasting,

highperformance batteries you need.

The Plus Alkaline battery from Panasonic.

This guy looks forward to only one thing.

Simmons back care.

12 people were overcome

by toxic fumes this morning

and were evacuated from their homes at Sugar Creek Estates.

Celia?

Sure, we're having good times

Are you really there?

Kelly Robinson thinks back to the day

she called Prodigal Trust.

They're not happy, Dwayne.

Bills were adding up,

then there's Scott's new school,

but we thought, Hey, we can handle this.

Then John's company downsized.

So, John's trying to find a new job,

meanwhile, all these bill collectors

That's right.

Nobody's happy. They're just trying to sell you something.

Got so bad we even considered filing for bankruptcy.

But they're together.

A real family.

We're gonna be okay.

They're not a real family.

They're not real. They're not real people.

Real people worry about being surprised, Celia.

They worry about people jumping out at them,

shouting their name at inappropriate times.

They worry about being carted off to the bughouse.

We've been taking care of people for more than 35 years.

Now they're happy.

Celia, snap out of it! They're not real, okay? Real people

don't stand around in the grass like that, all right?

Trust Financial Planners.

They're not real. They're just lying to you. They're hired

to lie to you. That's their job on TV!

You can't trust these people. Hey, folks!

Dwayne Hoover, slashing prices.

We're going bananas down here for Hawaiian Week.

Hey, ask anybody. You can trust Dwayne Hoover.

I'd trust you, Dwayne.

If only you'd tell me which

Dwayne to trust.

What is that supposed to mean, hmm?

Hmm, Celia? Is that another one of your little secret messages?

Are you telling me that you're leaving me, Celia? Is that it?

'Cause if you're telling me that just go ahead and tell me,

because I can take it. I can take almost anything these days.

I feel pretty much alone most of the time anyway,

to tell you the truth. What I'm trying to say is

whether we're together

or apart

the moments between us

have always existed

and will always

Famalton,

the easy formula for stress relief.

exist.

Make each day as good as the best day.

Hmm.

So you see what I'm saying about management, kid.

You just need a little guidance-

Jesus. That sounded like a gunshot.

Mommy!

Wait a minute, kid. I'll come with ya.

Pops, don't shoot. It's me.

Don't shoot me either. I'm interested in handling his act.

This isn't the first time I've had a gun pointed-

Don't light that in here. This is a nonsmoking household.

Fair enough. I'll be outside when you're ready, Bunny.

His name is George. George.

Did you shoot Mommy?

You were elected cadet colonel at the Prairie Military Academy.

It was the highest rank you could achieve

in your senior year.

It was supposed to make a man out of you.

Why would I want that?

What men do is so often cruel and ugly.

You looked like your mother just then.

Oh, baby.

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

The asshole of the universe

ain't Midland City. It's Libertyville, Georgia.

You ever seen Libertyville? No, haven't had the pleasure.

Yeah, about 10 years ago

I got caught in a speed trap down there.

Got a little mad and took a swing at the cop.

They put me in jail.

Main industry down there is pulping.

Got trucks bringing in hundreds of tons

of unwanted printed material to Libertyville every day.

Paper pulping. Yeah, paper pulping.

They got so many books down there,

they use it for toilet paper.

I sat in jail for two days

with nothing to do but read my toilet paper.

I still remember one of the stories that I read. This story

was about as crazy as anything you ever come across.

It was the last story I ever read, as a matter of fact.

It was about another planet where

some government guy used a roulette wheel to decide which

artwork to put in the museums and which to keep out.

The roulette wheel is rigged, and then

the guy- this whatever you call, the

uh, uh- The Barringgaffner.

Yeah, the Barring-Yeah. Yeah!

Hey! That's right.

The toilet paper you read in Libertyville jail was

The Barringgaffner of Bagnialto

or This Year's Masterpiece by Kilgore Trout.

You actually read that thing?

Yeah, of course I read it.

Boy, what is his name? Trout?

He must be half cracked, don't you think?

Well, he, uh, was selfeducated, if that's what you mean.

He didn't finish high school, but he could quote Shakespeare.

All the world's a stage.

All the men and women are merely players.

Yeah. Didn't make any sense.

It was chaos.

You got that right.

Why would you ever read that nutty story

if you didn't have to?

Why, it takes all kinds of people to make up a world.

Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover.

Ooh.

Good morning, Mr. Hoover.

Good morning, Mr. Hoover.

Dwayne Hoover!

Mr. Hoover, we are interested in something

that hauls like a truck,

but drives like a luxury sedan.

Yeah, yeah, and with convenience at our fingertips.

Gonna get a TV set today.

I swear, maybe you might come over for dinner.

Dinner, dinner, dinner.

Tell me something. Yeah?

Take a look over-over there.

You see the young man wearing a suit, 5'10 and a half?

Yeah. Yes.

Good.

Go talk to him. He'll take good care of ya.

But, Mr. Hoover, we want to buy a car from you!

You.

Dwayne! Buddies.

Princes, PaPooLa.

Have plenty papaya Oh, me, oh, mya

You ought to really try a piece of PaPooLa's papaya

Hawaii! Aloha!

Oh, buddies? Oh, Dwayne.

Look. You know, I got colors.

I got pink, and the leotards are green.

You said to

Oh, God.

Oh. Ah. Um- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Oh! Ow! Oh, God. Oh. Ooh.

Francine.

I may ask you to slip away with me again today.

Oh, you may ask. You may ask,

but I wouldn't go in a million years.

Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village. May I help you, please?

Just one moment, please.

It's for you, Mr. Hoover.

Oh, I guess you're not accepting calls today.

Unless I take a G. D. memo, I forget every little thing-

Mr. Hoover, what are you doing?

Hello?

My name is Horace Durenwurst.

I am with the EPA. I'd like to ask you some questions

regarding the soil toxicity at Sugar Creek Estates.

If that man calls back, you tell him I've moved away.

Tell him I've moved to Manitoba. It's in Canada.

Hello? Grace,

he didn't say anything. He didn't do anything.

He just stood there. Fuck him, Harry.

The grass skirt fell off and, uh..

To him, obviously, I'm revolting.

Harry, how many times do I have to tell you

not to be ashamed of what's underneath?

Oh, God, let's just get to Hawaii as soon as we can.

Yes. Yes, you know, Grace, I think you're right.

I know I'm right. You're so wise, Grace.

You know

I'll get us two tickets to Hawaii.

I'll fix the drawing. I'll get us two tickets to Hawaii.

Oh, that's the best idea you've had since you quit therapy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, look at that.

Now, what's that all about? Those coed sex stories

they used to have in college, huh?

It's a science fiction novel written several years ago.

The premise is that life's an experiment

by the creator of the universe.

And he wants to test some new creature

he's thinking of introducing into the scheme of things.

The creature has the ability to make up his own mind,

and all the other creatures are fully automated robots.

Robots? That does not describe me,

Andy Wojeckowzski. No, sir, I'm my own boss.

Right down the highway, baby. Come on.

The book takes the form of a long letter

from the creator of the universe

to the experimental creature.

That's nice. So where do the naked

sorority girls come into?

They don't.

That's just stupid.

I mean, that's dumb.

I mean, who'd wanna publish something like that?

Who'd wanna write something like that?

But hey, that's just my opinion.

You know what I'm saying?

Man!

Stupid.

You know those glasses that Dwayne wears?

He doesn't need 'em.

He just wears 'em because he thinks it makes him look smart.

He's bald, too.

That's why he combs his hair over to the side like that,

to cover up the bald spot.

When the wind blows, it stands straight up.

He looks like Baby Huey.

He's got a small penis, too.

I suppose we all want to have large penises though, don't we?

Anyway, here, fill out this entry form,

and I'll take care of everything else.

I'm not goin' anywhere, man!

Well, that's the point. You don't have to.

Just fill this out for me. I'll take care of the rest.

Drawing's this afternoon.

Hey, Mr. Hoover! Oh, Jesus Christ!

Tell him you saw me. I changed my clothes.

Forget it! You haven't seen me!

Oh! And the winner is

Wayne Hoobler of Midland City!

Well, Mr. Hoobler, if you're watching,

you have just won first prize

which is a roundtrip ticket for two to beautiful Hawaii!

I am sure, I am sure that Dwayne Hoover,

the generous and benevolent owner

Benevolent? Christ, Harry. of Exit 11 Motor Village.

Haven't I taught you anything?

a choice of islands,

including Maui!

How about that, Wayne Hoobler of Midland City! Yes!

And now, this, this voyage this, this wonderful voyage

this, this exploration into, uh

into, uh into what-into the, uh

secret hiding places where what is the, uh

Oh, my God, Harry. Shut your mouth.

Wonderful, beautiful sanctuaries of peace.

The peace of it all and the

the terrible, horrible, horrible war years where-

where all the private clubs He was never in the army.

and down and down into the

sordid underbelly! What's gotten into Harry?

Down into the bottom where it's members only!

Geez, this is live. And the cruel namecalling.

The naming, naming, naming! The terrible hurt!

But the hunger, the wonderful hunger,

for some sort of full play,

full swing,

plenty of rope, a little elbow room.

No more mountains! No more mountains.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I've got the tickets right here.

No, the tickets arewell, I had the tickets. I have tickets.

They're right here-Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, my! Oh, my goodness.

Huh?

Oh, my. Oh, my.

Go for it, big boy. Just go for it!

Um

Pan to Mr. Hoover.

Mr. Hoover, you're on. You're live.

I love you like a brother, Dwayne Hoover! Like a brother!

We better get an ambulance.

Having a good day, old man?

I already know I look ridiculous!

I've made this long pilgrimage for an orgy of masochism.

Midland City, I have arrived.

Yoohoo, mister? Huh?

Are you going in there? Why

It's the only way to Midland City.

Well, then, these will help. I don't, don't need 'em.

Oh.

The arts festival awaits me.

Ah.

Treat me like a cockroach, Midland City.

Feast your eyes on your miserable creator.

You've given me a life not worth of living,

but an iron will to live!

Maui! Maui! Maui!

Maui!

She's goin'.

I just have too many cars.

That's all! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Just forget it, sir. I can't forget it

because I should know my driver's license number.

Maria, she said if she was gonna-

She came that way

and then she said she would come this way-

Who am I?

Mr. Hoover, sir.

How are you this evening? What a pleasure.

Is there anything- Who am I?

Please, someone just tell me who I am.

Sorry, Mr. Hoover. I did not realize that you were the owner.

I mean, I knew that you were the owner, but I didn't realize

you were the owner of this AmeriTel Inn.

I should have recognized.

Well, enjoy your stay at the AmeriTel Inn.

Mr. Trout

Welcome to the Midland City Arts Festival.

The AmeriTel Inn invites you to join us tonight

at our cocktail lounge at 6:00 p.m.

to celebrate the first annual Midland City Arts Festival.

I look perfect for my mission.

Not now. Not now.

The Abominable Snowman has arrived.

Kidnapped from the slopes of Mt. Everest,

taken as slave to a bordello in Rio de Janeiro.

I've come for the Arts Festival of Midland City

to have myself acknowledged before I die

as the great artist I believe myself to be.

Mr. Trout, I would know you anywhere.

Marlo, his bags, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Take these to his suite. Can I take your hat?

How do you know who I am?

It had to be you.

Nobody's ever known who I was before.

Kilgore Trout. I am Eliot Rosewater,

your greatest admirer.

You're Rosewater?

You don't look like a person

Sir who reads those magazines.

I have gathered to this date only 41 of your novels

and 63 of your short stories.

And of course I've read them all.

You've read that much of my stuff?

Of course, please have a seat.

We are proud

to be the first community to acknowledge

the greatness of Kilgore Trout.

Midland City is ready for a renaissance of you, sir.

And you, sir, shall be our Leonardo.

I regret that I must leave immediately

on Rosewater Foundation business.

But the honor, sir, has been entirely mine.

Let's go, I need my shot.

That kid has books of mine?

Yes, and he let me read them all.

I loved them.

More flowers than at a gangster's funeral.

Midland City seems to be getting behind the arts

in a great big way.

Well, like Mr. Rosewater said,

teach us to dance and sing and laugh and cry-

Do I look like a dancer or singer or man of joy?

Would a man nourished by beauty look like this? Open your eyes.

My eyes are opened,

and I see someone who has dared to walk through the fires

of truth to the other side,

and come back to tell us about it.

If there's anything you need, I mean anything,

don't be afraid to call me.

Dinga-ling.

Hm.

Dwayne.

Huh?

Dwayne. Dwayne.

My feet are so hot.

I may never get this stuff off.

Kilgore Trout.

All your questions will be answered tonight.

Look for me downstairs in the cocktail lounge!

Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout.

And just flap it right up

to a blank white canvas.

Then I would put DayGlo bars around it, and call it

caged shit. That's what I would do. Oh, man.

Breakfast of champions.

You said that the last time you brought me my martini.

I say it every time I serve a martini, Mr. Hoover.

That's probably why God invented these little small towns,

so people could keep saying the same stupid jokes

over and over again.

I just like to cheer people up.

That's all.

Okay.

Oh Mr. Hoover,

would you just do me a favor, please?

I just-I just would- I would love the honor

of you signing my wrist.

I want to show it to my father.

He's sick in the hospital, and

the bills are just pilin' up and it would really impress him.

It would. Thanks a lot.

Nothin' special. Just your autograph would be great.

Yeah, they opened him up and it just keeps gettin' worse.

Don't know what we're gonna do.

There it is. There's that smile.

Just love it. We just- we just love you. We do.

And when you said bird caca on TV the other day-

caca-

my dad laughed for the first time in two years.

Thanks. We justwe just trust you so much. We do. Thanks.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Caca.

Dwayne.

Dwayne. Celia?

Talk to me. Talk to me, please.

Share something with me, Dwayne.

Goodbye, Blue Monday.

I trust you, Dwayne. Are you sorry, Dwayne?

They were taking Mr. Le Sabre to the Midland General Hospital,

north wing. The-

The psychiatric ward.

IHold on, please.

Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Mo-

II don't know where Mr. Hoover is.

I got 36 dollars.

Sold.

And remember, you can trust Wayne Hoobler.

Get out of that car!

Oh.

All right, Bunny, I got this place rigged for lighting

exactly like we talked about. So, the table's set.

All you gotta do is go out there and eat the dinner.

Can do, Bill. Can do. All right.

You wanna give me a hug?

You go get 'em.

Good evening.

Hey, great to see you here.

Have a scotch, and have a beer.

It's Kilgore Trout!

Hey!

Mr. Kilgore Trout. I'm Fay. I'm Kay.

This is indeed a rare pleasure.

Oh, my goodness, I just love artists.

Oh, they're so artistic.

Hey, feel the jive Join in the fun

Midland City America's number one, yeah

That's Kilgore Trout. Play that intro you got worked out.

I'll get the lights.

Now, you're not from around here, are ya?

Yeah. I'm from Exit 11 Motor Village. I'm Wayne Hoobler.

Wake up Get out of bed

There's plenty of good art just ahead

Be right back.

Now salute the man we can't do without

The wonderful, lovable, beautiful Kilgore Trout

Yeah.

Finally? Trout?

Kilgore Trout?

Eh What, what? The message, please.

My message!

You know what message I'm talking about.

Is this it? Is this for me?

It's mine. What are you doing with it?

It's mine. What are you doing? Dear sir,

poor sir, brave sir. You are an experiment

of the Creator of the Universe.

You are the only creature in the entire universe

who has free will.

That's godlike with a little g.

Take my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise

You are the only one who has to figure out what to do next.

And why. A stranger in paradise

That's exactly right.

How did you know this? How did you know this?

Everybody else is a robot, a machine.

Some persons like you, while others seem to hate you.

And you must wonder why.

They are simply liking and hating machines.

All of this has made you pooped and demoralized.

You see, this is me. I am pooped and demoralized.

If this isn't nice, what is?

Out of the commonplace

Into the rare

Somewhere in space

You are surrounded by machines whose only purpose

is to stir you up

in every conceivable way

so that the Creator of the Universe

can watch your reactions.

Wait, there's more. There's more.

This is it. Yes

The Creator of the Universe would now like to apologize,

not only for the capricious jostling companionship

he provided during the test,

but also for the trashy stinking condition

of the place itself. The robots have been

programmed for millions of years to abuse it

so it would be a poisonous, festering cheese

by the time you got here.

He also programmed the robots to crave sexual intercourse

more than anything else so it would be crowded

when you got here. Yeah, you bet.

He had the robots kill each other by the millions

for this purpose only that you be amazed.

They have committed every possible atrocity

and every possible kindness

just to get a reaction from you!

That's right. That's right.

It's workin', kid.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Thank you so much, my friend. You helped me so much.

You're entirely welcome. Thank you.

Good, good.

Ah, haha! Nice guy.

Won't you answer this fervent prayer

Out of my way, dancing machines!

Just what I'm looking for.

Where are the bravery machines?

Got you! When you were a little boy machine,

I loved the way your head was shaped like a cantaloupe.

Now, look at you.

Daddy, why are you doing this? Because!

You see?

They don't feel a thing. They're unfeeling machines!

Is this because of my creation?

Is this the sum total of what I stand for?

Will you explain exactly what it is about my writing

that made you want to, to hurt these people?

You said it yourself. I'm the only creature

in the universe that has free will, don't you remember?

My God, that's not the answer.

Listen you!

Dwayne Hoover's gone berserk!

I don't like you anymore! I feel the same way myself.

The New York machine! Get out of my way! Haha!

They don't feel anything anyway.

Who wants some of the car dealer, huh?

You're not supposed to know the answer, for cryin' out loud.

Why not?

If you knew the answer, there'd be no more questions.

Dwayne! Dwayne!

Come on. Escape.

Come follow me.

Young man!

Come on out! Young man!

Haha! You are there.

Hey, Mr. Hoover. Good. Yes.

What do you say there,

pal of mine? You really are there.

Hey, hey!

Where are ya?

I You're-you're just too good for me.

Hey. What the-

What kind of machine are you? Hey, I'm Wayne Hoobler.

And Eli said we couldn't trust anybody, but in God we trust!

I never, never trust anybody!

Dwayne?

What are you, a trusting machine?

Yes. Why, yes I am.

Dwayne?

Yes, I am!

I'm Wayne Hoobler,

and I'm home!

Fairyland!

Oh, Fairyland! Haha!

Where is that guy?

Mr. Hoover!

Where have you been?

Where are all the showroom cars?

Headquarters called and they're very upset

you missed that spot this afternoon.

Mr. Hoover, what- is everything all right?

Browbeatin' machine!

Oh, here's the best fucking machine

in all of Midland City.

Mr. Hoover, you are the most hateful man I've ever met!

Sure, just wind her up, and she'll say she loves ya!

And she'll keep going until she gets

her own fried chicken franchise.

Yes, I said I loved you,

but that was when you stood for something.

When you were a man of hope, truth, and success.

But you've become a betrayer, Mr. Hoover, a fake!

Get the police! Go!

Go! Call the police!

There's only one thing you can do.

Tell me what it is.

The only thing you can do is continue.

Continue?

Continue, that's right. You're a continuing machine.

Can't quit now. Gotta keep going.

That's why you were born.

Yesterday was my birthday.

Yeah, until you're dead it's all life.

That's it!

What did you just say?

What did you just say?

Until you're dead, it's all life. So make the most of it.

Life.

You're right.

It's all life.

Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?

So, it's you.

The Creator of the Universe.

Well, it delights me

that I no longer have to suffer your gift of life anymore.

The joke's on you, isn't it, big fella?

Huh?

What are you gonna do when you run out of playthings?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it. Your kind never has to mean it.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Anything I can do to help?

Get me a Nobel Prize, or a reputable publisher.

Sorry, I can't really-I don't- I don't think I can

help you with those things, but if there's anything else,

please feel free.

Free? Like Tolstoy freed his serfs,

Jefferson freed his slaves?

Feel free? Feel free.

I will make the most of it.

Celia.

Until you're dead, it's all life.

Feel free. Ha, free.

Until you're dead, it's all life.

Wait a minute, Bunny. I know you think that was a bad show.

I gotta be by myself for a little while.

It wasn't a bad show. It was great.

They loved it. I think my daddy loves me.

Well, of course he loves you, but he's a nut job.

Wait a minute.

Let's talk about this.

Wait, Bunny. I love you!

Celia!

Celia.

Dwayne?

Celia?

Dwayne!

Where-Where are you? Dwayne!

I'm here. Over here.

I need help, Celia.

You need these.

Put on the boots, Dwayne!

Put on the boots!

You can do it!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Celia.

You can do it.

So sorry. Don't stop now. You can do it.

I understand.

Bunny.

Dad. Come here, son.

All right, Mr. Hoover. That's enough.

Hey, what the-

No! No!

It's okay.

Not unless you got a good lawyer, buddy.

I understand now.

Until you're dead, it's all life.

Until you're dead, it's all life, Celia.

That's it.

Goodbye, Blue Monday! Bye, Blue Monday.

It's okay. Everything's okay. Get in the car.

I I'm not mad.

I'm-I'm okay.

All right, let's go. Let's move it!

I love you. I love you, too.

I love you.

Daddy.

I love you.

Make me young.