Original subtitles

Challenger.

You think she noticed a flare gun? No, not a chance.

Is she ready for this? No way.

But if we tell her not to enter, she absolutely will.

That reminds me of someone.

You. It reminds me of you.

Yes, dummy.

I know.

Fuck. Holy man.

Hey, motherfucker, I remember you.

Relax.

I'm not trying to lose this tournament before it starts.

You're the guy who fought Preacher Jedediah at last year's gathering.

You wanted to fuck that orange car so bad you killed him over it. Sorry, you

wanted to fuck Evelyn?

No. I didn't kill your leader. He caused the explosion, not me. Oh, yeah? Well,

why don't we ask him?

Benjamin, bring forth our Lord Preacher.

Preacher? He's alive?

Whose baby is this?

Oh, this isn't just some baby.

Horny little fucker right here is our preacher.

His immortal soul.

Reborn into... tiny flesh.

Our father would never leave us. Father never leaves.

He just changes.

Tell him, Beacon. We waited many long months.

And then one day our preacher returned to us.

He was in a tree.

Like a squirrel.

I'm not gonna lie, this little fucker is kind of cute.

Don't get those fingers too close.

He will bite them clean off.

Shut up. Who could be scared?

Hey.

Hey.

You freed me from Zimu.

Good looking out.

Yeah.

Seemed like the chill thing to do.

So, how are you doing?

With freedom?

Freedom.

Maybe one day.

Still drinking gasoline.

Interesting. But I do owe you one. Oh, it's okay. Just one.

After that, I'll flatten you with my tires just like everyone else.

Well, unfortunately for you, I'm not just like everyone else.

New challenger approaching.

I can't believe we're finally here.

The tournament.

Do you think I might get the chance to cut someone's head off?

I've been sort of wanting to try that.

There is nothing I want more for you, Stu.

Oh, hey, look. It's our OG fan club.

I told you this would be the social event of the season.

We should go say hi before we murder them for sport.

You go ahead. Those two are douchebags anyway.

I need to prepare for my next killing spree. Oh, Stu, you're going to make me

cry. Do me a favor. Make sure Harold doesn't pull the pin early.

He's got an itchy trigger figure.

Lactation is very rare in men, but Benjamin here has been blessed with the

of a mother.

Fucking wine corks. I'm an unholy miracle.

Oh, if it isn't my two favorite critics.

Five, three, two.

So what are you crazy kids doing here? You come to cheer me on?

Oh, uh, not exactly.

Hey, you know, I tried to kill this guy one time.

So did he.

This time he'll finish the job.

Benjamin, time to put down Preacher.

Then we'll put you down.

Hey,

you need any help with that little fucker? Hit me up. I've already killed

baby.

So, what have you two crazy kids been up to? Tell me everything.

Take a picture.

It'll last longer. Sorry, I was just admiring your hat.

You're joining a tournament?

You wouldn't last a day in the Florida swamplands.

The mosquitoes.

Morty. Yeah.

You're right.

You know what? I shouldn't be here.

Everyone's really scary.

Especially you.

You're smart to fear me.

Because those who cross vermin don't live to tell the tale.

You're terrifying.

You know, I don't care what that guy Deacon says.

What did he say?

Oh, just that you're not a real competitor.

I'll bark, no bite. Stupid stuff.

Son of a bitch.

He also said something about you being a bug fucker.

Come on!

That was one time!

I put ants in my pants and it's not my fault that it felt good. I did it for a

joke. Where's that fucker?

Excuse me. Would you

like to know who had some very specific opinions about your eye patch?

Clown said that?

Those exact words?

Swear to God.

Or not God.

The devil? I don't know. Whoever you swear to.

For what it's worth, I don't think the holy men have gone soft.

Soft?

Why? Because I am an incredibly attentive father figure?

I'll show him. The only thing more powerful than big -ass guns is a daddy's

love.

Watch where you're going, you dipshit.

Or I'll have to rip your balls off and shove them up your nose.

Stoop? Mike?

I thought you were dead!

Oh, my God.

Are you real or am I tripping?

I knew I shouldn't have forged for mushies at night. I'm very real, man.

Dude, if I knew you were alive, I would have... Hey, Michael.

Hammerhead is locked and loaded.

Hey, guy.

That's a nice headband. It actually brings out your eyes.

Thanks. Yeah. Stu. This is my new homie, Dave. Yeah.

Dave.

This is Stu.

No way!

This is your old compadre, Big Stu!

Or just Stu. You know, your reputation precedes you. I mean, I've heard so much

about you because of... Yeah.

Oh, awesome. Yeah. Cool. How'd you meet this guy?

Well, after Sweet Tooth attacked us, I was messed up bad, man. So I rolled over

in the fire to cauterize the gas on my back. Thank you, Dave. Thank you.

Oh, God.

And next thing I know, I got found by some butchers.

And get this, Dave here was one of the butchers.

Crazy, right? It was.

Seriously, I mean, we were fattening him up for a barbecue.

Then Mike just kind of flipped the script on me.

He told me a man who eats man is no man at

all.

He's a regular Bill Shakespeare, right?

Yeah. But seriously, from that day forward, I vowed I would never let any

meet touch these lips.

Well, I'm just happy you didn't eat my good pal Mike.

He's true.

So am I, okay?

I would have missed out on a pretty damn good friendship.

Because you would have eaten them. Yeah, I would have eaten them. Yeah.

So, I saw your ass get dragged off the beach, man.

I thought you were burnt toast.

How the hell did you get away from Sweet Tooth? Oh, uh, super crazy story. I,

uh... Dude!

Oh, my God! There are so many cool people here to kill. There's a human car

hybrid over there. I think he's on roids. You're still with him?

I can't explain it. Hey, didn't I cut you in half?

I never forget a victim. You did.

But you didn't finish the job.

Could you not tell anybody about that? I mean, attempted murder is kind of a bad

look for me.

Congratulations.

I'm creating the perfect little minion to do your bidding.

Wait a minute. That's not what this is.

We're partners.

Equals. Yeah, no, we're not.

As a matter of fact, yesterday, I massacred a room full of random people

myself.

And you're proud of that?

You left me for dead so that you can find out how to murder better?

Yeah, about sums it up.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Come on, Dave.

We got a tournament to win.

I'll be right there, Mike.

Keep your head on a swivel.

Look, he's just got to cool off.

It'll be fine.

Just remember, the road to self -discovery is a long and arduous one.

Hey, one love.

I also love that mask.

It's really cheery, and it's like I'm looking at a dental ad.

It's nice.

Man, that Dave guy's got a real nice way about him, huh?

Fit, too. You can tell he really watches what he...

It's this motherfucker.

That asshole killed Jeremy and Ashley.

Grim! How the hell'd you get out? I threw away the key.

I got a special invitation.

And that's Mr.

Grim to you!

Marcus. You know that's not my name. Oh, you're still in so much pain.

Oh, don't worry.

Soon you'll be free.

I'm just sold. We'll be with us.

Marcus, huh?

What is that, Germanic?

There's a lot of stone cold killers here.

We've got to stick to the plan.

What do we do about Axel? I don't know. Maybe get him a damn shirt.

I don't think he'll be a problem.

We should avoid Sweet Tooth because he's fucking bonkers.

A motorcycle guy will keep him busy. They got a history.

Really?

What else did you buy that?

Ugh, plenty.

That's Billy Ray Stillwell, a .k .a. the Junkyard Dog.

Dangerous, for sure, but dumber than a box of assholes. You really just got to

watch out for that.

Like metal ball catapult thing?

The human cum sock is Chucky Floop.

Bertie is the sickest driver in the country, but I know a closer when I see

Who I'm real worried about is Death Warrant, bounty hunter from Dallas.

Bertie takes scouts and weaves the hair of his victims into his own mane.

That's a lot of hair.

Yeah, he's covering a bald spot.

He's very sensitive about it.

I think we're going to tear this shit up. Fuck yeah.

And if the party gets a little rowdy, I could always hit that EMP.

Solid recon.

That's really going to help us. Help you?

Bitch, I'm here to get my own wish.

Besides, no amount of intel is going to help with roadkill, janky turn radio.

What's wrong with our turn radio?

Good luck out there.

Calm down.

She's just fucking with you. I know that.

So, you think you can spread lies about me, you little... Punk?

Stu's the one who called you a loser with a micro penis, not me.

I am not a loser!

Whatever.

You'll see soon enough.

Eat shit.

Douche. May. Look, I like you guys and all, but I'm not interested in an

alliance. Yeah, no.

I get that, but why are you making yourself a target?

Well, I'm getting inside their heads. It's mind games. 101.

Do you understand how dangerous this is going to be? I can handle this. Quiet.

If you go out there, you're on your own.

We all are.

Wow. Way to be overdramatic.

I'll keep the finish line warm for you.

John?

Interesting.

The hell are you doing here?

That should be obvious. But what I can't figure out is why you fought so hard to

escape me, only to end up here anyway.

Do you even see how annoying that is?

Oh.

Okay.

So the sex is that good, huh?

I can respect that.

Just know...

Once we get out there, I'm going to be the one doing the fucking.

Hot Topic brought a fancy car.

Do you even know how to drive that thing?

Fuck around and find out.

Toodles.

That's a different Raven, right?

There's a bunch of them.

This one, she's the boss.

Are they all hot?

Yeah, it's like gremlins.

I hope so.

You've got to admire the showmanship.

Are we really going to wait for this door to open all the way?

He's building tension.

Yeah, this is taking forever.

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome to my contest.

Well, almost.

You're not in it quite yet.

First, you must survive a qualifying round.

Yo, dude.

Not really taking questions yet, but go ahead.

So what are the rules?

I feel like some of us are...

Wondering.

I was just about to get to that, Mr. Floop, if you just waited one second.

It's okay. It's okay.

Never mind.

The rules of the qualifier are as simple as one, two, three.

One, grab a package.

Two, deliver it to Tournament City.

Deliver a package? We got this in the bag.

And three.

Don't die.

The drivers who successfully deliver my packages intact will move on to the next

round.

Prepare for battle in ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Come along now.

This guy doesn't know how to put on a show.

What?

You sure you're not worried about the kid?

Ponser.

She's not going anywhere without this.

I've been waiting minutes to do this.

Damn it! Come on!

You're not getting away that easy.

Benjamin,

protect the godchild!

Enjoy this, milkman.

God, that felt good.

You know, your butt looks really good when you're shooting.

I think he's tracking us.

Whoa, shit.

The little green light turned yellow. What do we do? I don't know. Not let it

get red.

Step on it. Hope it doesn't get carsick.

Now that's how I want to go. Earth -shattering explosion.

And if I take Grif with me, even better.

I actually don't want to die in a big explosion.

Maybe we should get to the city and then kill him there.

No. We kill him now.

Fine. Let me take the wheel. You can get a clean shot at him.

Partner?

Stoopidoopidoop. That is a great idea.

I got a grenade when you're in Avon.

Fuck Grif! We'll get him in the next round!

We have to keep our eye on the prize, right?

Right? Right.

I can't go back further.

Turn

around.

What? John, no. Move over, goddammit. We're wasting time. Come on.