All language subtitles for You Never Can Tell (1977) by George Bernard Shaw & James Cellan Jones

Hallelujah.

[Music]

Hey there.

[Music]

Thank you.

That was my first tooth. Your first?

Didn't you mean to say you began

practicing on me? Well, every dentist

has to begin with somebody. Oh yes,

people in hospital, not people who pay.

No, hospital doesn't count. I only meant

my first tooth in private practice. Why

didn't you let me give you gas? Because

you said it would be five shillings

extra. Oh, no. Don't say that. You make

me feel as if I hurt you for the sake of

five shillings. Oh, say you have. Why

shouldn't you? It's your business to

hurt people.

Oh, you have a good view of the sea from

your rooms. Are they expensive? Yes. You

don't own the whole house, do you? No. I

thought not. Well, your furniture isn't

exactly the latest thing, is it? It's my

landlord's here in that toothach chair,

too. No, I have that on the higher

purchase system. I thought so. You

haven't been here very long, have you?

About 6 weeks.

Is there anything else you'd like to

know? Any family? I'm not married. No.

Anyone could see that. I mean, mothers

and sisters, that sort of thing. Not on

the premises.

Well, if you've only been here for 6

weeks and mine was your first tooth, the

practice can't be very large, can it?

Not as yet. Well, good luck. Five

shillings, did you say? Five shillings?

You charge five shillings for

everything? Yes. Why? Because that's my

system. I'm what's called a five

shilling dentist. How nice. Well, here

you are. A brand new five shilling

piece. Make a hole in it with a thing

you drill people's teeth with and hang

it on your watch chain. Thank you. Young

lady's brother, sir. Mine time? No, it's

all over. Did you How? Oh, something

awful. Mr. Valentine, this is my

brother, Phil. Phil, this is Mr.

Valentine, our new dentist. He's a

bachelor and he's only been here for 6

weeks. And the house isn't his, and the

furniture is the landlords, and the

professional plant is hired, and he got

my tooth out beautifully first go, and

he and I are great friends. You've been

asking a lot of questions. I know. Glad

to hear it. So good of you not to mind

us, Mr. Valentine. The fact is we've

never been to England before, and our

mother says the people here simply won't

stand us. Come and have lunch with us.

Oh, do Mr. Valentine at the marine

hotel. Have plus one. Then we can tell

my mother that a respectable Englishman

has promised to have lunch with this.

Say no more, Mr. Valentine. You'll come.

Say no more. I haven't said anything.

May I ask whom I have the pleasure of

entertaining?

It really is quite impossible for me to

lunch at the Marine Hotel with two

perfect strangers.

Bosch. One patient in six weeks. What

difference can it make to you? No,

Dolly. My knowledge of human nature

confirms Mr. Valentine's judgment. He is

right. Allow me to introduce Miss

Dorothy Clandon, commonly called Dolly.

I'm Philip Clandon. We are from Madiraa,

but perfectly respectable Zovar.

Clandon, are you related? Yes, we are. I

beg your pardon. Oh, we are. We are.

It's all over, Phil. They know about us

in England. You can't imagine how

perfectly maddening it is to be related

to a celebrated person and never

accepted for our own sakes. Excuse me,

but the gentleman I was thinking of is

not celebrated. Gentlemen? Yes. I was

going to ask you whether you were by any

chance a daughter of Mr. Denmark Clandon

of Newbury Hall. Oh no. Well, come

Dolly, how do you know you're not? Of

course I forgot. Perhaps I am. Don't you

know? Not in the least. He's a wise

child.

The fact is, Mr. Valentine, we are the

children of the celebrated Mrs. Lanfrey

Clandon, an author of great repute in

Madiraa. No household is complete

without her works, and we came to

England to get away from them. They're

called the 20th century treatises. 20th

century cooking. 20th century cre 20th

century clothing 20th century conduct

20th century children 20th century

parents cloth pal a dollar or mounted on

linen for hard family use $2 no family

should be without them read them Mr.

Valentine, they'll improve your mind.

But not here we've gone, please. Oh,

quite so. We prefer people with

unimproved minds. Our own minds have

successfully resisted all our mother's

efforts to improve them.

H Phil, he prefers people whose minds

are improved. In that case, we should

introduce him to the other member of the

family, the woman of the 20th century.

Our sister Gloria, nature's masterpiece,

learning's daughter, my dearest pride,

beauty's paragon. Bosch, no complexion.

May I have a word? Excuse us. Go ahead.

I'm so sorry.

I really must give a hint to you young

people. Oh, come. I like that. How old

are you? Over 30. He's not. 27. 33.

Stop. I appeal to you, Mr. Valentine.

Well, really.

I'm 31. You were wrong. So are you.

We're forgetting our manners, Dolly. Oh,

so we are. We interrupted you, Mr.

Valentine. You were about to improve our

minds. I think

the fact is don't let me speak. The old

story we talk too much. We do. Shut up

both.

Thank

you. Now, to begin with, may I ask, have

you ever been in an English seaside

resort before? I thought so. Well, Mr.

Clandon, our acquaintance has been

short, but it has been valuable. and

I've gathered enough to convince me that

you are neither of you capable of

conceiving what life in an English

seaside resort

is. It's not a question of manners and

appearance. In those respects, we enjoy

a freedom unknown in Madiraa. Oh yes, I

assure you. But will you excuse my

frankness? Thank you.

In an English seaside resort, there is

one thing you must have before anybody

can afford to be seen going about with

you, and that is a father, alive or

dead. Am I to infer that you have

omitted this indispensable part of your

social

equipment? Then I'm sorry, but if you're

going to stay here for any length of

time, it will be impossible for me to

accept your kind invitation to lunch.

Come, Nolly.

Good morning.

Stop. Stop. You make me feel a perfect

beast. Well, that's your conscience, not

us. My conscience. Uh, my conscience has

been my

ruin. Listen to me. Twice before I have

set up as a respectable medical

practitioner in various parts of

England. And on both occasions, I acted

conscientiously and told my patients the

brute truth instead of what they wanted

to be told. Result: ruin. Now I've set

up as a dentist, a five shilling

dentist, and I have done with conscience

forever. This is my last

chance. I spent my last sovereign on

moving in. and I haven't paid a shilling

of rent yet. I'm eating and drinking on

credit. My landlord is as hard as nails

and I've made five shillings in 6 weeks.

If I swerve by a hair's breath from the

straight line of the most rigid

respectability, I'm done for. Now, under

such circumstances, is it fair of you to

ask me to lunch with you when you don't

know your own father? After all, our

grandfather is a cannon of Lincoln

Cathedral. What? Have you a grandfather?

Only one. Oh, my dear good young

friends, why on earth didn't you say so

before? A cannon of Lincoln. That makes

it perfectly all right. Of course. Will

you excuse me while I change my

coat? That wretched bankrupt ivory

snatcher makes a compliment out of

allowing us to stand him lunch. And it's

probably the first square meal he's had

in months. Oh, it's too beastly. I won't

stand it any longer. Phil, here in

England, people ask you if you've got a

father the very first thing. I won't

stand it either. My mom must tell us who

he was. Who he is? He may be alive. Oh,

I hope not. No man alive shall father

me. Well, he might have lots of money,

though. Oh, I doubt it. My knowledge of

human nature leads me to believe that if

he had a lot of money, he wouldn't have

got rid of his affectionate family quite

so easily. Anyhow, let's look on the

bright side of things. Depend on it.

He's dead. Two ladies for you, miss.

Your mother and your sister, Miss.

Well, children, how's the toothache,

darling? Oh, thank heavens. I've had it

out. And the dentist, a first rate

professional man of the highest standing

is coming to lunch with us. Bill, beg

pardon, ma'am. I'm waiting for Mr.

Valentine. I have a message for him. Who

from? Dolly. Call me the landlord. Miss,

let me introduce you, Mr. Valentine. My

mother, Mrs. Lanfrey Clandon, and my

sister, Gloria.

I understand that we are to have the

pleasure of seeing you at lunchon, Mr.

The Valentine.

If if you don't

mind, if you'll be so kind.

What is it? The landlord, sir, wishes to

speak to you before you go out. Oh, tell

him I have four patients here and that

I'll um I'll slip down presently and

talk to him. Tell him I'm busy, but I I

want to see him. Yes, sir. We are

detaining you, I'm afraid. Oh, not at

all. Not at all. Your presence here will

be of the greatest help to me.

No, the fact is I owe 6 weeks rent and

uh I've had no patience until today. My

interview with my landlord will be

considerably smoothed by the apparent

boom in my business. Oh, I'm tiresome of

you to let it all out and we've just

been pretending that you are a

respectable professional man in a first

rate position. Oh, Dolly, Dolly, my

dearest, how can you be so rude? Will

you forgive these barbarian children of

mine, Mr. Valentine? Don't mention it.

I'm used to them. Will will it be too

much to ask you to wait just 5 minutes

while I get rid of my landlord down?

Don't be long. We're hungry. Oh,

darling. Dear. All right. Sh. Thank you,

Mrs. Glend. I shall.

Thank you. Yes.

Did you observe love at first sight?

Another scalp for your collection,

Gloria. Number 15. Sh. Pray, Phil. He

may have heard you. Oh, not he. And now

Look here,

mama. Dolly and I have been talking

things over a good deal lately, and I

don't think, judging from my knowledge

of human nature, we don't think that you

quite appreciate the fact that we've

grown up. Indeed. In what way have I

given you any reason to complain? Well,

there are certain matters upon which we

are beginning to feel that you might

take us a little more into your

confidence. Bill, take

care. What have I always taught you? The

sort of family life, you know, is based

on mutual respect, on the right of every

individual in the household to

independence and

privacy. But there is another sort of

family life. A life in which husbands

open their wives letters and call upon

them to account for every farthing. In

which no room is private and no hour

sacred. In which duty, obedience,

affection, morality, and religion are

detestable tyrannies. And life is a

vulgar round of punishments and lies,

coercion, suspicion,

recrimination.

Oh, I cannot describe it to

you. Fortunately for you, you know

nothing about it. See, 20th century

parents chapter on liberty passive. Oh,

my dear Dolly, if you only knew how glad

I am that it is nothing but a joke to

you when it is such bitter earnestness

to me. Phil, I never ask you questions

about your private concerns. You are not

going to question me, are you? Who? Now

look here, Dolly. Am I going to conduct

this business or are you? You. Then hold

your

mouth. My knowledge of human nature

leads me to believe that we had a father

and that you probably know who he was.

Stop, Bill. Your father is nothing to

you nor to me. That is enough.

Mother, we have a right to know. We,

Gloria. Who is we? We three in your

mouth. We used to mean you and I.

Gloria,

we're hurting you. Let's drop it. We

didn't think you'd mind. I don't want to

know. I'm sure I don't. Oh, don't look

like that. M. Thank you, my dear.

Thanks, Bill. We have a right to know,

mother. You insist. Do you intend that

we shall never know? Oh, stop it,

Gloria. It's barbarous. What is the use

of being weak? You see what has happened

with this gentleman? Well, the same

thing has happened to me. What do you

What happened to you?

Oh, nothing of any consequence.

On board the steamer, the first officer

did me the honor to propose to me. No,

it was to me. The first officer? Are you

serious, Gloria? What did you say to

him? Excuse me. I have no right to ask

you that. The answer is pretty obvious.

A woman cannot accept such an offer if

she does not know who her father was.

But surely you did not want to accept

it. No, but supposing I had wanted to.

Did that difficulty strike you, Dolly?

No, I accepted him. You accepted him?

Well, he did look such a fool. Dolly,

why did you do such a thing? Well, for

fun, I suppose he had to measure my

finger for a ring. You'd have done the

same thing. No, Dolly, I would not. As a

matter of fact, the first officer did

propose to me, and I told him to save

that sort of thing for women who were

young enough to be amused by it. He

appears to have acted on my advice.

Gloria, I'm sorry you think me weak, but

I cannot tell you what you want to

know. You are very bright children, all

of you. But you are still very

inexperienced and consequently

sometimes very unsympathetic.

Another grievance, Dolly. Well, not

sympathetic, mother. I did not mean to

be unsympathetic. Of course you didn't,

dear. I quite understand. But mother,

yes.

It is nonsense to tell us that our

father is nothing to us.

Do you remember your father?

I'm not sure. I think so. You are not

sure?

No.

Gloria, if I had ever struck you, struck

you purposely, deliberately, with the

intention of hurting you with a whip

bought for the purpose, would you

remember that? That do you suppose that

would have been your last recollection

of your father, Gloria, if I had not

taken you away from him. I have kept him

out of your life. Keep him now out of

mine by never mentioning him to me

again.

I hope I haven't kept you waiting. That

landlord of mine really is an

extraordinary old. Oh, tell us. How long

has he given you to pay? Oh, doty dear,

you must not ask questions. So sorry.

You'll tell us, won't you, Mr.

Valentine? He doesn't want his rent at

all. He's broken his tooth on a Brazil

nut. He wants me to look at it and he

wants to take me to lunch afterwards.

Oh, well then bring him up and put his

two out at once and we can bring him to

lunch with us. Tell the mate to fetch

him along.

I suppose he is respectable. I mean

really respectable. Perfectly. Not like

me. Honest engine. Honest engine. Well,

then run along and bring him up. What I

dare say be delighted. I shall be happy

to see your friend for lunch if you can

persuade him to come. But I cannot wait

to see him now. I have an appointment at

the hotel at a4 to 1 with an old friend

whom I have not seen since I left

England 18 years ago. Will you excuse

me? Of course, Mrs. Cl. Shall I come?

No, dear. I want to be alone.

Mhm.

Show the old gentleman up. Madam, the

old gentleman with the tooth. The

landlord. Oh, Mr. Crampton, sir. Is his

name Crarampton? Sounds rumatic, doesn't

it? Chalk stones. Probably. Show Mr.

Crabstalks out, please. Mr. Crampton,

Miss Crampton. Crampton. Crampton.

Crampton. I must remember that name or

have a note I should call him. Phil, can

you believe such a horrible thing about

our father? As mother said just

now. Dolly, aren't you sorry for your

father? The father with lots of money.

Oh, come. What about your father? The

lonely old man with a tender, aching

heart. He's pretty well burst up, isn't

he? Oh, there can be no doubt that the

governor is an exploded superstition.

But Hark he comes. Oh, chalk stain. Oh

crap. Now shh. Attention. Now if he's

good enough for the lunch, I'll nod to

Dolly. If she nods to you, invite him

straight away.

May I introduce Mr. Crampton? Miss Dolly

Clandon. Mr. Philip Clandon. Miss

Clanton. Sit down. That's the most

comfortable chair. Mr. Crampton. Well,

thank you. But won't this young lady?

Thank you, Mr. Crampton. We are just

going. Sit down. You're tired. Well,

perhaps as I am considerably the oldest

person present. I

Mr. Crarampton, we understand that we

are preventing Mr. Valentine from

lunching with you by taking him away

ourselves. My mother would be very glad

if you would come, too. Oh, thank you.

I'll come with pleasure. Delighted, I'm

sure.

How old are you, Mr. Captain, I'm afraid

we must be going. Then it is understood.

Half past 1. Half past 1. Set.

Make him give you gas. It's five

shillings extra, but it's worth it. Very

well. So, you want to know my age, do

you? I'm 57. Well, you look it. I dare

say I do.

Why do you look at me so hard for

anything wrong? You're like somebody who

you curious look of my mother. Your

mother? Are you quite sure you don't

mean your daughter? Yes, I'm quite sure

I don't mean my daughter. Tooth bad? No,

no, no, nothing. A twinge of memory,

Miss Clander, not of toothache. Well,

have it out. Black pluck from the

memory. A rooted sorrow with gas. Five

shillings. No, not a sorrow. An injury

that was done me once, that's all. I

don't forget injuries, and I don't want

to forget them. I don't think we shall

like you very much when you're brooding

over your injuries. My sister means

well, Mr. Crmpton. But she is indiscreet

now. Dolly outside.

He says he's 57 and he thinks I'm the

image of his mother and he hates his

daughter. Miss Candon has gone up. Well,

don't forget off past one. Might you

leave Mr. Crabton enough teeth to eat

with?

That's a spoiled child, Mr. Valentine.

That's one of your modern products. When

I was her age, I had many a good

thrashing fresh in my memory to teach me

manners. What do you think of her,

sister? Would you like her better? Eh

struck me as

being no

business. Open

wide. Oh, you smashed that one. What a

pity to spoil such a splendid set of

teeth. Why do you crack nuts with them?

I've always cracked nuts with them. What

else are they for? Proper way to keep

teeth good is to give them plenty of use

on bones and nuts and wash them every

day in soap. Plain yellow soap. Soap?

Why soap? I began using it when I was a

boy. Because I was made to. I've used it

ever since. Never had toothache in my

life. Don't you find it rather nasty? I

found that most things that were good

for me were nasty, but I was taught to

put up with them. Made to put up with

them. I'm used to it now. In fact, I

like the taste when the soap is really

good. You seem to have been very

carefully educated, Mr. Dr. Clmpton, I

wasn't spoiled at all of it. Are you

sure? What do you mean? Well, you have

very good teeth, I admit, but I seem

just as good in very self-indulgent

mouths. It isn't the effect on the

teeth. It's the effect on the character.

Ah, character. I see.

Open. No wider, please.

Why' you have to bite so hard? You've

broken the tooth worse than the

presuner. No, I'm afraid that one will

have to come out. It's past saving.

Don't be alarmed. You shan feel

anything. I'll give you gas. Rubbish,

man. I won't none of your gas out with

it. People were taught to bear

unnecessary pain in my day. If you want

to be hurt, all right, I'll hurt you as

much as you like without any extra

charge for the beneficial effect on your

character. Young man, you owe me 6 weeks

rent. I do. Can you pay me? No. When do

you think you'll be able to pay me? When

you have no better manners than to make

game of your patients. My dear good sir,

not all my patients have formed their

characters on kitchen soap. So much the

worse for them. I tell you, you don't

understand my character. If I could

spare all my teeth, I'd make you pull

them out one by one to show you what a

properly hardened man can go through

with when he's made up his mind with

you. You want to be more hardened? Yes.

You're quite hard enough for me already

as a landlord. That is.

Why'd you never get married, Mr.

Crarampton? Wife and children would have

taken the hard ways out of you. What the

devil's that to you? And some more warm

water.

You're asking what the devil that was to

me? Well, I have an idea to get married

myself. Oh, naturally, sir. Naturally.

When a young man is down to his last

farthing, when he's within 24 hours of

having his furniture restrained upon by

his landlord, he marries. I've noticed

it before. Well, marry and be miserable.

Oh, come. What do you know about it? I'm

not a bachelor. There's a Mrs.

Crarampton, eh? Yes. Damn her. And a

father, too, perhaps as well as a

husband, Mr. Crarampton. Three children.

Damn them, eh? No, the children are as

much mine as hers.

Thank you.

I really should like to meet your

family, Mr. Crarampton. Sorry I can't

introduce you, sir. I'm happy to say I

don't know where they are and don't care

so long as they keep out of my way.

I need warm that thing to use on me. I'm

not afraid of the cold steel.

What's that heavy thing? No, never mind.

Something to put my foot on to get the

necessary purchase for a good pull.

So, uh, you advise me not to get

married, Mr. Grampton. I advise you to

get my tooth out and have done reminding

me of my wife. Come along, man. What do

you bet that I don't get that tooth out

without you feeling anything? Your six

weeks rent don't gammon me, young man.

Done. You ready?

Okay, care. I'm quite help. You be more

helpless. Presently.

[Music]

Wait to her. Sir, you quite sure Mrs.

Clannon's coming back before lunch? Oh,

quite sure, sir. She expects you at

quarter to 1, sir. It's not quite that

yet, is it, sir? 12:43, sir. Just two

more minutes to wait, sir.

Nice morning, sir. Yes, very fresh after

London. Yes, sir. All our visitors say,

sir,

very nice family. Mrs. Candons, you like

them, do you? Oh, yes, sir. They have a

freeway with which is very taking, very

taking indeed, sir. Especially the young

lady and gentlemen, sir. Mr. Daria and

Mr. Phillip, I suppose. Yes, sir. The

young lady in giving an order will say,

"Remember, William, that we came to this

hotel on your account, having heard what

a perfect waiter you are." And the young

gentleman would tell me that I remind

him strongly of his father and that he

expects me to act by him as such or very

pleasant, very, very affable and

pleasant indeed, sir. You like his

father? Oh, we must not take what they

say too seriously. So, of course, if it

were true, the young lady would have

seen the resemblance, too. Sir, did she?

No, sir. She thought me like the bust of

Shakespeare in Stratford Church. Sir,

that's why she calls me William, sir. My

real name is Walter,

sir. Here is Mrs. Clon,

sir. Gentleman. Oh, there will be two

more gentlemen for lunch, William.

Right, ma'am. Thank you.

Don't you know me?

Are you Finch Mcomes? Can't you guess?

I believe you

are. Where's your beard? Would you

employ a solicitor with a beard? Is that

your hat? Would you employ a solicitor

with a sombrero?

I've thought of you all these 18 years

with the beard and the sombrero.

Do you go to meetings of the dialectical

society still? I do not frequent

meetings now. Oh, Finch, I see what has

happened. You have become respectable,

haven't you? Not a bit. You hold to our

old opinion still? As firmly as ever.

Oh, bless me. And you're still ready to

make speeches in public in spite of your

sex, to insist on a married woman's

right to her own separate property, and

to demand university degrees, the

opening of the professions of the

parliamentary

franchise for women as well as men. Yes,

I have not gone back one inch, and I

have educated Gloria to take up my work

when I must leave it. That is what has

brought me back to England. I felt I had

no right to bury her alive in MadiRaa.

Mhm. Why have you made me come down

here? Well, partly because I wanted to

see you. Thank you. And partly because I

want you to explain everything to the

children. They know nothing. And now

that we have come back to live in

England, it is impossible to keep them

in ignorance any longer. Finch, I cannot

bring myself to tell them. It's all

right, Lar. The dentist is coming. And

he's bringing the old gentleman with

him. Dearest, don't you see, Mr. Mcome?

This where are the flowing locks? Where

the beard, the cloak, the poetic

exterior? Oh, Mr. Mccomomas, you've gone

and spoiled yourself. Why didn't you

wait till we'd seen you? Because 18

years is too long for a solicitor to go

without having his haircut. How'd you

do, Mr. Mccomomas?

Miss Gloria, I presume. You're very glad

to meet you at last. And this young

gentleman? I was christened in a

comparatively prosaic mood. My name is

Norville on the Grand Pian Hills. My

father tends his children. Don't be

silly. Everything is so new to them

here, Finch, that they are in the

wildest spirits. They think every

Englishman they meet is a joke. Oh, so

he is. It's not our fault. My knowledge

of human nature is fairly extensive, Mr.

Mccomus. But I find it impossible to

take the inhabitants of this island

seriously. I presume, sir, you are

Master Phillip. Was Master Phillip was

so for many years, just as you were once

Master Finch.

How strange it is to look back on our

boyhood. Finch, had a drink. Dearest,

Mr. Mccomus will lunch with us. You have

ordered for Seth and you've not

forgotten your old gentleman. I have not

forgotten him, dear. What's his name?

Chalk Stains. He'll be here at half past

one. Are we like what you expected?

Dearest, Mr. Mccomomas has something

more serious than that to tell you.

Children, I have asked my old friend to

answer the question you asked this

morning. Mr. Mccomomas is your father's

friend as well as mine, and he will tell

you the story of my married life more

fairly than I could.

Gloria, are you satisfied? Mr. Mccomomas

is very kind.

Not at all, my dear young lady. Not at

all. At the same time, this is rather

sudden. I was hardly prepared. Oh, we

don't want anything prepared. Tell us

the truth. Baldheaded. I hope you intend

to take what I have to say seriously. I

hope it will deserve it, Mr. Mccomomas.

My knowledge of human nature teaches me

not to expect too much. Well, yes. All

right, mother. I beg your pardon, Mr.

Mccomomas. Don't mind us. Do we mean

well? Shut up both.

Your father. How old is heish? Dolly.

Dear, don't let us interrupt, Mr.

McCome. Thank you, Mrs. Glandon. Thank

you. Your father's 57. 57? Where does he

live? Dolly. Dolly. Let me answer that,

Mrs. Glandon. The answer will surprise

you considerably. He lives in this town.

I knew it. Phil Chalkstones is our

father. Chalk? Oh, Crantstones or

whatever his name is. He said I look

like his mother. I knew he must have

meant his daughter. Mr. Mccomomas, I

desire to consider your feelings in

every possible way, but I warn you that

if you stretch the long arm of

coincidence to the length of telling me

that Mr. Krampton of this town is my

father, I shall decline to entertain the

information for a moment. And pray why?

Because I have seen the gentleman, and

he's entirely unfit to be my father, or

Dolly's father, or Gloria's father, or

my mother's husband. Oh, indeed. Well,

let me tell you, sir, that whether you

like it or not, he is your father and

your sister's father and Mrs. Clon's

husband. And I know what have you got to

say to that? Well, you needn't be so

cross about it. Cranmpton isn't your

father. Mr. Mccomomas, your conduct is

heartless. Here you find a family

enjoying the unspeakable peace and

freedom of being orphans. We've never

seen the face of a relative, and you

wish to thrust into the most intimate

relationship with us, a man who we don't

know. An awful old man. And you began as

if you'd found rather a nice father for

us. How do you know that he's not nice?

And what right of you to choose your own

father? Let me tell you, young lady, you

are too young. Stop. Has he got any

money? He's got a great deal of money.

Oh, Phil. What did I always say?

Dolly, we have perhaps been condemning

the old man too hastily. Proceed, Mr.

Mccomomas. I shall not proceed. I am too

hurt, too shocked to proceed. Finch, do

you realize what is happening? Do you

understand that my children have invited

that man to lunch and that he will be

here in a few moments? What do you mean

am I to understand? Steady, Finch. Now

think it out slowly and carefully. He's

coming. Coming to lunch. Which of us is

to tell him the truth? Have you thought

of that? Finch, you must tell him. Oh,

Finch is no good at telling things. Look

at the mess he's made of telling us. I

have not been allowed to speak. I

protest against this. Dear Finch, don't

be cross. Gloria, let us go in. We may

arrive at any moment. Do not stir,

mother. I shall not stir. We must not

run away. My dear, we cannot sit down to

lunch as we are. We shall come back

again. We must have no bravado. Come,

darling. Gentlemen, come. Yes, ma'am.

Two more to come still. Thank you. They

will be here immediately. Right. Thank

you.

I have an idea, Mr. Mccomomas. This

communication should be made, should it

not, by a man of infinite tact. It will

require tact. Certainly,

William. Coming, sir. The waiter, stop.

Stop. I will not admit this. Yes, sir.

William, you remember my request to you

to regard me as your son? Yes, sir.

Anything you please, sir. William, at

the very outset of your career as my

father, a rival has appeared on the

scene. But your real father, sir. Oh,

well, that was bound to happen sooner or

later, wasn't it? Is it you, sir?

Certainly not. My children know how to

behave themselves. No, William. This

gentleman was very nearly my father. He

wooed my mother, but wooed her in vain.

Well, of all those men. Consequently,

he's only our solicitor. Now, do you

know one Krampton of this town? Oh,

cockeyed Crarampton, sir, of the crooked

billet, is he? No, no, Finch. Does he

keep a public house? No, no, no, no, no.

Your father's a well-known yacht

builder. An eminent man here. I beg your

pardon. I'm sure, sir. A son of Mr.

Crampton's dear me. Mr. Crampton is

coming to lunch with us, William. Yes.

He don't usually lunch with his family,

perhaps. Sir, William, he doesn't know

that we are his family. He hasn't seen

us for 18 years. He won't know us. We

want you to break the news to him. Well,

I should think he'd guess when he sees

your mother, miss. Oh, I hadn't thought

of that.

Nor I, nor you. And you, a solicitor,

Finch, your professional incompetence is

appalling, William. Your sagacity puts

us all to shame. You really are like

Shakespeare, William. Not at all, sir.

Don't mention him is most happy, I'm

sure. Sir,

Finch, come and wash your hands. I am

thoroughly vexed and hurt. Mr. Condon,

you'll get used to us.

Keep your wits about you, William.

There'll be fireworks. Right, miss. You

may depend on me, miss.

Your steps make me giddy. Haven't got

over that infernal gas yet.

Wait up. Yes, sir. Mrs. Lanfrick Landon.

Ah, yes. We are expecting you, sir. This

is your table, sir. Mrs. Cland will be

down pleasantly, sir.

The young lady and gentleman just

talking about your friend, sir. Oh,

indeed. Yes. Great flur of spirits, a

vein of pleasantry, as you might say. A

big bud if you'll allow me, sir. Thank

you, sir.

The young gentleman's latest is that

you're his father, sir. What? Oh, it's

only his joke, sir. His favorite joke.

Yesterday, I was to his father, and

today, as soon as he knew you were

coming, sir. Well, he tried to put it up

on me that you were his father. Yes. His

long lost father. Not seen you for uh 18

years, he said. 18 years. Yes, sir. But

I I was up to his little trick, sir. I

saw the idea coming into his head as he

stood there thinking what new joke he'd

have with me, sir. Oh, you're such a

short he is very pleasant, very off hand

and affable indeed. So, if you allow me,

sir. Thank you, sir. Even the solicitor

took up the joke, sir, although he was

in a manner of speaking in my confidence

about the young gentleman. Yes, sir. But

I assure you, you would never imagine

what respectable professional gentlemen

from London will do on an outing when

the sier takes them. Sir, so there's a

solicitor with them, is there? Yes, sir.

The family solicitor the name of

Mccomus,

sir.

Mccomomas. Valentine. Valentine. This is

a plant, a conspiracy. This is my

family, my children, my infernal wife.

Indeed. Interesting meeting. Meeting?

Not for me. Let me out of this. Give me

that coat. Oh yes, sir. I seem to have

done the young gentleman an injustice.

Had Valentine, you were in this. You

made this pot. What do you mean? Steady,

sir. Here they come, sir. I broke it to

him, sir. Invaluable with him. How did

he take? Well, a little startled at

first, miss, but resigned. Very

resigned, miss.

So, here you are, Mr. Crampton. Yes,

here. Caught in a trap. A mean

trap. Of those my children. Is this our

father, Mr. Mccomomas? He is.

Pleased to meet you again.

Allow me to discharge my first duty as

host by ordering your wine. Finch. Some

crusted old port for you as a

respectable family solicitor. A

pollinaris only. Nothing heating.

Valentine. Would Lago be considered

bulgar? Probably. We'll order some now.

Mr. Crarampton, what can we do for you?

What do you mean, boy? Boy, whose fault

is it that I'm a boy?

The whisy's on the last page but one.

Let me alone, child. Child?

No. No. You may call me Dolly if you

like, but you mustn't call me child.

Comas, we're going to have a pleasant

meal. There's no reason why it should

not be pleasant. Finch's face is a feast

in itself. Glad to see you again, Mr.

Valentine.

Fergus,

you are greatly changed. I dare say a

man does change in 18 years. I did not

mean that. I hope your health is good.

Thank you. It's not my health, it's my

happiness. That's the change you meant,

I think. Look at her, Mcomes. Look at

her and look at me. Shh. Order before

William.

You have all met one another already

today, I think. Oh, excuse me. Mr.

Valentine, Mr.

Mccomomas Fergus, will you take the head

of the table? The head of the table? Uh,

this end, sir.

Thank you, sir. Mr. Valentine, will you

take that side with Lori?

Finch. I must put you this side in

between Dolly and

Phil. You must protect yourself as best

you can. Take that clear, sir. Does

nobody ask a blessing in this household?

Well, let us first settle what we are

about to receive. William. Yes, sir.

Two small laggers for the children as

usual, William, and one large for this

gentleman. Large a polollinaris for Mr.

Mccomomas. Have a six of Irish. No, no,

thank you. Number 413 for my mother and

Miss Gloria as before. And yes, we we

know Mr. Ton likes here, sir. You

frequent bars. It's a bad habit. You

have learned your lesson from your

mother. I see. Bill, will you try to

remember that your jokes are apt to

irritate people who are not accustomed

to us and that your father is our guest

today? Yes, a guest at the head of my

own table. It's embarrassing, isn't it?

Well, it's just as bad for us, you know.

Sh, Dolly, we are both wanting intact.

We mean well, Mr. Crarampton, but we're

not yet strong in the filial line.

William. Yes, sir. Come and restore good

feeling. Certainly, sir. It's more like

of you, sir. Thank you.

for you sir.

Thank you.

Yes. More like a few minutes.

413 and large of you sir. 413

minutes. 413 ma'am

to the family. Half and home.

We're getting on very nicely after all.

After all. After all what, Vince? He

means you're getting on very nicely in

spite of the presence of your father. Do

I take your point rightly, Mccomomas?

No, I only said after all to round off

the sentence. I u uh Terbert, sir. Oh,

thank you, W. Thank you. Don't mention

it, sir. Have you thought of choosing a

profession yet? Oh, I'm keeping my mind

open on that subject. William. Yes, sir.

How long do you think it would take me

to learn to become a really smart

waiter? It can't be learned, sir. It's

in the car, sir. Uh, read for the lady,

sir.

Very few are born to it, sir.

You don't happen to have such a thing as

a son yourself, have you? Yes, sir. Oh,

yes, sir. A little more fishness. You

won't care for the joint in the middle

of the day. No, thank you. Is your son a

waiter, too, William?

No, miss. He's too impetuous, miss. He's

at the bar. Apartment? Eh? Uh, no, sir.

No, sir. The uh the other

bar. Your profession, sir. You see, sir,

I'm sure. I beg your pardon. Not at all,

sir. A natural mistake. I'm sure, sir. I

often wish that he was a potman, sir.

Been off my hands ever so much sooner,

sir. Sort your elbow, sir.

Yes, I had to support him until he was

37. We're doing well now, sir. Very

satisfactory indeed. Nothing less than

50 Guinea, sir. Democracy Grampton.

Modern democracy. No. Uh, not democracy,

only education, sir. Scholarship, sir.

Cambridge local, sir. Sydney Sussex

College, sir. May I have some ginger

beer? Stone ginger beer. Yes.

Right. Oh, yes. Very good thing for him,

sir. He never had any turn for real

work, sir.

But you mistake that man an order again.

I hope he won't mind me sending him for

ginger beer. While he's a waiter, it's

his business to wait. If you treated him

as a waiter, ought to be treated, he'd

have held his tongue. What a loss that

would have been. Perhaps he'll introduce

us to his son and get us into London

society. London Society. London Society.

You're not fit for any society trial.

Now look here, Mr.

Oh, thank you, dear William. Just in

time.

If I may be allowed to change the

subject, Miss Kentum, what is the

established religion in Madiraa? I

suppose the Portuguese religion. I never

inquired. The servants come in at Lent

and kneel down before you and confess

all their sins, and you've got to

pretend to forgive them. Do they do that

in England, too, William? Well, not

usually, Miss. They made you in some

places, but it's not come under my

notice, miss.

Uh, mostly members of the Church of

England. Members of the Church of

England, what's a subscription? How come

you see how my children have been

brought up? You see it, you hear it. I

call all of you to witness. Sit down,

Fergus. There is no occasion at all for

this outburst. You must remember that

Dolly is almost like a foreigner here.

Pray sit down. I doubt whether I should

sit here and countenance this. I doubt

it.

Jeez, sir. Would you like to be cold

asleep? What? Oh, jeez. Jeez. Bring a

box of cigarettes, please, William. It's

already miss. Does she smoke?

Now really, Mr. Crarampton, I'm afraid

I'm spoiling your lunch. I shall go and

have my cigarette on the beach.

Thank you, dear William. Margaret, call

that girl back. Call her back, I say.

Oh, come, Crampton. Never mind. She's

her father's daughter, that's all. I

hope not, Lynch. Will you excuse me, Mr.

Valentine? Dolly is hurt and put out by

what has passed. I must go to her. Oh,

to take her part against me, you mean?

Gloria, will you take my place whilst

I'm away, dear? There's a mother for

you, Mccomomas. There's a mother. Yes, a

good mother. And a bad father. That's

what you mean, eh? Miss Clandon, that

girl's name is Crampton. Mr. Valentine,

not Clandon. Do you wish to join him in

insulting me? Miss

Clandon, I'm overwhelmed. It's all my

fault. I brought him here. I'm

responsible for him, and I am ashamed of

it. What do you mean? No harm has been

done, Mr. Valentine. We have all been a

little childish, I'm afraid. Our party

has been a failure. Let us break it up

and have done with it.

Goodbye, father.

Father. Father. Now this is yours, sir.

I think,

sir. The lady's son shed.

Sir, nasty glare off the sea today, sir.

Very triangle complexion. I'll carry the

camps to myself. You are old, Father

William, but you are the most thoughtful

of men. Now you take the sun shades and

give me the camp stools. Thank you, sir.

Finch, share with me. Hello.

Waiter. Yes, sir. Leave me one of these

to take home. Oh, that that is the

younger ladies, sir. If you'll allow me,

sir. Thank you, sir. I think you better

take this. Yeah, the young lady's

reading at present. Uh, you see, sir,

the subjection of women, sir. You see,

rather heavier reading than you and I

would care for at the seaside, sir.

Oh, Trampton, are you at all ashamed of

yourself? Ashamed of myself? What for?

For behaving like a bear. What will your

daughter think of me for having brought

you here? I was not thinking of what my

daughter was thinking of you. No, you

were thinking of yourself. You're a

perfect egomania. She told you what I

am. A father. A father robbed of his own

children. I might have come here after

all these years to see what my children

are for the first time to hear their

voices and carry it off like a

fashionable visitor. Drop into lunch be

Mr. Crampton. Mr. Crampton. What right

are there to talk to me like that

though? My own children. I'm their

father. Would one of my servants have

spoken to me the way that boy spoke?

Would one of them have laughed at me all

the time? The way that girl was laughing

at me? My my own children. Mr. Krabbit.

Come. Come. They are only children.

She called you father. Yes. Goodbye,

father. Goodbye. Oh, she got at my

feelings with a stab. You. Now look

here, Cranton. Just you let her alone.

She treated you very well. I had a much

worse time of it at lunch than you. You?

Yes. I sat next to her. I didn't say a

single thing to her the whole time.

Couldn't think of a blessed word. And

not a word did she say to me.

Well,

well, well.

Crownton, do you suppose that I'm in the

habit of playing such tricks on my

patients as I played on you today? I

hope not. The explanation is that I am

stark mad. Or rather, that I've never

been in my real senses before. I'm

capable of anything. I have grown up at

last. I'm a man, and it is your daughter

that's made a man of me. You in love

with my daughter? Love. Nonsense. It's

something far above and beyond that.

It's life. It's faith. It's strength.

It's certainty. It is paradise. Rubbish,

man. What have you got to keep a wife

on? You can't marry her. Who wants to

marry

her? I'll kneel at her feet. I'll kiss

her

hands. I'll live for

her. I'll die for her. That'll be enough

for

me. Look at her book. See, if you were

to offer me all your money for this

excuse for going down to the beach and

speaking to her again,

I would only laugh at you.

No, I do think not at all, sir. Not at

all. So very natural, sir. I'm sure at

your age, the lady sent for the book.

Might I take the liberty of asking you

to let her have it at once, sir? It will

be a pleasure. And if you will allow me

to give you a professional man's

earnings for six weeks.

Oh, thank you so much,

sir. Yes. Very high-spirited young man.

Very manly and straight setup. Yes.

Making his fortune in a hurry. No doubt.

I know what his six weeks earnings come

to. Well, sir, you never can tell.

That's a principle in life with me, sir,

if you'll excuse my having such a thing.

Perhaps you haven't noticed you hadn't

touched that Selson Irish sir when the

party broke up. Yes, sir. You never can

tell. Now, there was my son, sir. Who

ever thought he would rise to wear a

silk gown? And yet today, sir, nothing

less than 50 guineies. What a lesson,

sir. Well, I hope he's grateful to you.

Recognizes what he owes you as a son

should. Oh, yes. We get on well

together. Very well indeed, considering

the difference in our stations. A small

lump of sugar will take the flatness out

of the salsa without noticeably

sweetening the drink. If you'll allow

me, sir. But as I say to him, where's

the difference? After all, if I must put

on a dress coat to show what I am, he

must put on a wig and gown to show what

he is. If he likes

society and his profession brings him

into contact with all ranks, so does

mine, too, sir. If it's a little against

a barristister to have a waiter for his

father. Well, it's a little against a

waiter to have a barristister for his

son. Many people consider it a great

liberty,

sir. Um, can I get you anything else,

sir? No, no, thank you. I suppose

there's no objection to my sitting here

for a while. I won't disturb the party

on the beach here. It's very kind of

you, sir, to put it as if it was not a

compliment and an honor to us, Mr.

Crankton. The more at home you are here,

the better for us, sir. Home? Well, yes,

sir. That is a way of looking at it.

I've always said that the great

advantage of a hotel is that it's a

refuge from home life, sir. I missed

that advantage today, I think. Yes, you

did, sir. You did,

sir. Dear me. It's the unexpected that

always happens, isn't it? You never can

tell,

sir. You never can tell.

Well,

I want to speak to you for a moment. Oh,

indeed. That's surprising, isn't it? You

meet your father for the first time in

18 years, and you actually want to speak

to him for a moment. That's touching,

isn't it? All that is what seems to me

so nonsensical, so uncalled for.

What is it you expect us to feel for

you, do for you? What is it you want?

Why are you less civil to us than other

people are? You are evidently not very

fond of us. Why should you be? But

surely we can meet without quarreling.

Do you realize that I am your father?

Perfectly. Do you know what's due to me

as your father? For instance, for

instance, for in for instance, duty,

affection, respect, obedience. I obey

nothing but my sense of what is right. I

respect nothing that is not noble. That

is my duty. As to

affection, it is not within my control.

I am not sure that I quite know what

affection means.

You really mean what you're saying?

Excuse me. That is an univil question. I

am speaking seriously to you and I

expect you to take me seriously.

Can we not discuss this matter coolly

and rationally? Cooly and rationally?

No, I can't. Do you understand that? I

can't. No, I cannot understand that. I

have no sympathy with them. Stop. Don't

say anything more yet. You don't know

what you're doing. You want to drive me

mad.

No, no, no. I'm not angry. Indeed, I'm

not. Well, wait, wait. Give me a little

time to

think. You see, I I just want you to

know that I'm your father, my my dear,

dear child.

Listen, the one thing I want to ask you

is

this. Don't you remember me at all? You

were only a tiny child when you were

taken away from me, but you took plenty

of notice of

things. Don't you remember someone you

loved or at

least liked a little?

Did your mother never tell you anything

about me at all? She has never mentioned

your name to me. Oh. Except once. And

then to remind me of something that I

had forgotten. Oh, what was that? The

whip you bought to beat me with. Oh, to

bring that up against me. To turn you

from me when you need never have known.

Curser. You wret. You wret. You dare

curse my Stop. You will be sorry

afterwards. I'm your father. How I hate

the name. How I love the name of mother.

You have better go. I'm joking. You want

to kill me. So, Mr. Valentine. Yes.

Would you come here for a moment,

please? Mr. Crampton wants you. No, let

me alone. I'm all right. I tell you, I

need neither his help nor

yours. As you say, I'll let her

go. Is that your last word?

I hope so.

What's the matter? Where's Crant? Gone.

I thought he was ill, but he recovered

himself. He wouldn't wait for you. I'm

sorry. So much the better. It gets on my

nerves after a while.

How could that man have so beautiful a

daughter?

That seems to be an attempt at what is

called a pretty speech. Let me say at

once, Mr. Valentine, that pretty

speeches make very sickly conversation.

Pray, let us be friends, if we are to be

friends, in a sensible and wholesome

way. I have no intention of getting

married and unless you are content to

accept that state of things, we had much

better not cultivate each other's

acquaintance. I see. Uh, may I just ask

this one question? Is your objection an

objection to marriage as an institution

or an objection to marrying me

personally?

I do not know you well enough, Mr.

Valentine, to have any opinion on the

subject of your personal merits.

I do not think that the conditions of

marriage at present are such that any

self-respecting woman can accept. Oh,

well, that's a point of sympathy between

us already, and I quite agree with you.

I think it's most unfair. No, what I

want to do is to get rid of all that

nonsense. Isn't it a horrible thing that

a man and a woman can hardly know one

another without being supposed to have

designs of that kind? As if there were

no other interests, no other subject of

conversation. as if women were capable

of nothing better. Ah, now you're

beginning to talk humanly and sensibly,

Mr. Valentine. Of

course. Oh, to intelligent people like

us. Isn't it pleasant in this stupid

conventionridden world to meet with

someone on the same plane? Someone with

an unprejudiced, enlightened mind.

I hope to meet many such people in

England. There are a good many people

here. Nearly 40 millions, not all

consumptive members of the highly

educated classes like the people in

MadiRaa.

Everybody in MadiRaa is stupid and

prejudiced, weak, sentimental creatures.

I hate weakness and I hate sentiment.

That's what makes you so inspiring.

Am I inspiring? Strength infectious.

Weaknesses. I know you're

strong. Do you know that you changed the

world for me this

morning? I was I was in the dumps,

frightened about the future, thinking of

my unpaid rent when you came in. I was

dazzled. Yes. Well, I was silly, of

course. But really and truly, something

happened to me. Explain it how you will.

My blood got oxygenated. My muscles

braced. My mind cleared. My courage

rose. That's odd, isn't it? Considering

I'm not at all a sentimental man,

let us go back to the beach. What? You

feel it, too? Feel what? Dread. Dread?

Yes. It came over me suddenly just

before you proposed that we should run

away to the others.

That's very

strange. Very strange. I had the same

presentiment myself.

Curiously helpless sensation, isn't it?

Helpless.

Yes, helpless.

Oh, Miss

Clandon, Miss Clandon, how could you?

What have I done? You've thrown this

enchantment on me. I'm honestly trying

to be scientific and sensible and

everything that you wish me to be. But

don't you see what you have set to work

in my imagination? I hope you are not

going to be so foolish, so vulgar as to

say love.

No. No. No. No. Not love. No, no, no. We

know better than

that. Let's call it chemistry. Well, you

can't deny, can you, that there is such

a thing as chemical action, chemical

affinity, the most irresistible of all

natural forces. Well, you are attracting

me

irresistibly chemically. Nonsense. Of

course, it's nonsense. You stupid girl.

Yes, stupid

girl. That's a scientific fact. Anyhow,

oh,

you're a prri. A feminine prick.

Now, I suppose you've done with me

forever.

That just shows how little you

understand my real character. I am not

in the least

offended. I am always willing to be told

my own defects, Mr. Valentine, by my

friends, even when they are as absurdly

mistaken about me as you are. I have

many faults, serious faults of character

and temper. But if there is one thing

that I am not, it is what you call a

prick. Yes, you are. My reason tells me

so. My knowledge tells me so. My

experience tells me so. Excuse my

reminding you that your reason,

knowledge, and experience are not

infallible. At least I hope not. I must

believe. Unless you wish me to believe

my eyes, my heart, my imagination, my

instincts, which are all telling me the

most monstrous lies about you. Lies?

Yes,

lies. Do you expect me to believe that

you are the most beautiful woman in the

world? That is ridiculous and rather

personal. Well, of course it's

ridiculous. That's what my eyes tell me.

No, it's all right. I'm not flattering,

I tell you. I don't believe it. Do you

think that I should sit here and cry

like a child if you were to turn away in

disgust from my weakness?

Why should you pray? Of course not. I'm

not such an idiot. But my heart tells me

I should. My fool of a heart. But I will

argue with my heart, and I will bring it

to

reason. If I loved you a thousand times,

I would force myself to look the truth

steadily in the face. After all, it's

easy to be sensible. The facts are the

facts. What is this place? It's not

heaven, it's the Marine Hotel. What's

the time? It's not eternity. It's about

half past 1:00 in the afternoon. And

what am I, a dentist? A five shilling

dentist.

And I am a feminine prick. Oh,

no. No. I can't face that. I must have

one illusion left. The illusion about

you. I love you.

What a fool I am. What an idiot. You

don't understand. I might as well talk

to the stones on the beach.

I'm sorry, Mr. Valentine. I do not mean

to be unsympathetic, but what can I say?

No, you can say nothing, Miss

Clap. Forgive

me. It was my own fault, or rather my

own bad

luck. You see, it all depended on you

naturally liking me. No, I I know you

mustn't say whether you like me or not.

Why not? I am a free woman. Why must I

not tell you? Don't I'm afraid to hear.

Afraid? You need not be afraid. I think

you are

sentimental and a little

foolish. But I like you.

That it's all over. But why? Because

liking is not

enough. Now that I think I'm seriously

into it, I don't know whether I like you

or not.

I'm sorry. Oh, don't pity

me. Gloria, let me

alone. You go down into the depths of

me, troubling and staring me. I can't

struggle with it. I can't I can't bear

it.

It's come at

last. My moment of

courage.

Our moment of

courage. Now you've done

it. It's all

over. We're in love with one

another. Oh, but what a dragon you were.

And how hideously afraid I was.

Valentine. Mr. Valentine.

Forgive me. Goodbye.

The children want you, Mr. Valentine.

Has he gone? He Oh, Mr. Crampton. Oh,

gone this long time. Mrs. Glendon.

Mother. What is it, dear?

Why didn't you educate me properly? My

dear, I did my best. Oh, you taught me

nothing. Nothing. What is the matter

with

you? Only shame.

Shame.

[Music]

Shame five. I don't think we need wait

for the children any longer. They're

sure to get tea somewhere. Shall I ring?

Do

[Music]

dear. I finished the proofs at last.

Thank goodness. What proofs? The new

edition of 20th Century

Women. There's a chapter missing. Is

there? Oh, surely not. I mean, an

unwritten one. Perhaps I shall write it

for you when I know the end of it.

Gloria, more enigmas. Oh no. The same

enigma, my dear. Yes. You know I never

ask questions. I know. I know.

My dear, you're getting quite

sentimental.

Don't say that. My dear, what is the

matter?

Is this what you rang for, ma'am? Thank

you. Yes, I thought so.

Then it's curious how the nerves seem to

give out in the afternoon without a cup

of tea.

Thank you. The young lady and gentlemen

have just come back. They've been out in

the boat. Ma'am, very pleasant on a fine

afternoon like this. Very pleasant and

invigorating

indeed. Uh Mr. Mccomomas will not come

to tea, man. He's going to call on Mr.

Clarton

and the other gentleman. Oh, he's

coming, miss. Yes, he's coming. He's

been rowing the boat and he's just run

down to the chemist for something to put

on the blisters. He'd be here directly,

miss directly. Gloria, anything more,

ma'am?

Nothing. Thank you.

Oh, give me some tea. We'll be out in a

boat. Valentine will be here directly.

Thank you. He's unaccustomed to

navigation. Where's Gloria? Bill, there

is something the matter with Lauria. Has

anything happened?

What is it? Romeo and Juliet. Yes, my

dear mother. The old old story. Dolly,

don't take all the milk. Yes, in the

spring. A young man's fancy likely turns

to Oh, thank you. thoughts of love. It

also occurs in the autumn. The young man

in this case is Valentine. And his fancy

has turned to gloria to the extent of

kissing her on the terrace on the lips

before everybody. failed. Darling, are

you joking?

Well, did she allow it? Oh, we waited to

see him struck to earth by the lightning

of her skull. But he wasn't. She

appeared to like it as far as we could

judge. No, you sworn off two cups.

Children, you must not be here when Mr.

Valentine comes. I must speak very

seriously to him about this. To ask him

his intentions. What a violation of 20th

century principles. Quite right, mama.

Bring him to book. Make the most of the

19th century while it lasts. Sh. Here he

comes. Sorry I'm late, Mrs. Glendon. No,

thank you. I never taken it. No doubt

Miss Dolly and Phil have explained what

happened to me. Yes, Valentine. We have

explained.

We have explained very thoroughly. It

was our

duty. Come, Dolly.

Will you sit down, Mr. Valentine?

I want to speak to you a little, if you

will allow me. I must begin by throwing

myself somewhat on your consideration. I

am going to speak of a subject of which

I know very little. Perhaps nothing. I

mean love. Love? Yes, love. Oh, you need

not look so alarmed as that, Mr.

Valentine. I am not in love with you.

Oh, my dear, Mrs. Clon, I I should be

only too proud if you were. Thank you,

Mr. Valentine. But I am too old to

begin. Begin? Have you never? Never.

My case is a very common one, Mr.

Valentine. I married before I was old

enough to know what I was doing. As you

have seen, the result was a bitter

disappointment for both my husband and

myself. So, you see, though I am a

married woman, I have never been in

love. I have never had a love affair.

And to be quite frank with you, Mr.

Valentine, what I have seen of the love

affairs of other people has not led me

to regret that deficiency in my

experience.

You do not believe me. Why not? Why not?

Let me tell you, Mr. Valentine, that a

life devoted to the cause of humanity

has enthusiasms and passions to offer

which far transcend the selfish personal

infatuations and sentimentalities of

romance. Those are not your enthusiasms

and passions, I take it. No, I thought

not. Well, I am at an equal disadvantage

in discussing those so-called affairs of

the heart in which you appear to be an

expert.

Mrs. Clandon, what exactly are you

driving at? Oh, I think you know,

Gloria. Yes, Gloria.

Yes. Well, I'm in love with Gloria. Now,

I know what you're going to say. I

haven't any money. I care very little

for money, Mr. Valentine. And you're

very different from all the other

mothers who've interviewed me. Ah, now

we are coming to it. Mr. Valentine, you

are an old hand at this. Oh, no, no, I

should. I'm not blaming you, Mr.

Valentine. It is Gloria's business to

take care of herself, and you have a

perfect right to amuse yourself as you

please. Amuse myself? Oh, please, Mrs.

Cler. On your honor, Mr. Valentine? Are

you in earnest? On my honor, I am in

earnest. Only I always have been in

earnest. Yes. Well, here I am. See, this

is what I suspected. Mr. Valentine, you

are a man who plays with women's

affections. Why not? If the cause of

humanity is the only thing worth being

serious about, however, I understand.

You wish me to discontinue my visits.

No, I am sensible enough to be aware

that Gloria's best chance of escape from

you now is to become better acquainted

with you. Oh, don't say that. You don't

really think that, do you, Mrs. Clon? I

have great faith, Mr. Valentine, in the

sound training Gloria's mind has had

since she was a child.

Oh. Oh, that's all right, then. What do

you mean? Come, Mrs. Cl. Shall I teach

you something? I am always willing to

learn. Have you ever studied the subject

of gunnery? Artillery, cannons, and

warships, and so on. Has gunnery

anything to do with Lauria? A great

deal. By way of illustration, during the

whole of this century, my dear Mrs.

Clandon, the progress of artillery has

been a duel between the maker of cannons

and the maker of armor plates to keep

the cannonballs out. You build a ship,

proof against the best gun known,

somebody builds a better gun and sinks

your ship. You build a heavier ship,

proof against that gun, somebody builds

a heavier gun and sinks you again, and

so on. Well, the duel of sex is just

like that. The duel of sex? Yes. You've

heard of the duel of sex, haven't you?

Oh, no. I forgot. You've been a mira.

The expression has come up since your

time. Need I explain it? No. No, of

course not. Now, what happens in the

duel of sex? The oldfashioned daughter

received an old-fashioned education to

protect her against the wilds of man.

Well, you know the result. The old

fashioned man got round. The

oldfashioned mother resolved to protect

her daughter more effectually to find

some armor too strong for the

oldfashioned man. So, she gave her

daughter a scientific education. Your

plan. So, he had to give up his

old-fashioned plan of attack. And what

did the man do? He went one better than

the woman, educated himself

scientifically, and beat her at that

game, just as he had beaten her at the

old

game. I learned how to circumvent the

women's rights woman before I was 23.

It's all been found out long ago. You

see, Mrs. Clon, my methods are

thoroughly modern. Oh, no doubt. But for

that very reason, there's one sort of

girl against whom they are of no use.

Brave, which sort? The thoroughly

old-fashioned girl. If you'd brought up

Gloria in the old way, it would have

taken me 18 months to get to the point I

I got to this afternoon in 18

minutes. Yes, my dear Mrs.

Glandon. The higher education of women

delivered Gloria into my hands.

Mr.

Valentine, you are very clever. Oh, Mrs.

Glenn. And you have told me nothing.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Maintain I see her

before I go. I'm afraid she will not

return until you have gone. She left the

room expressly to avoid you.

That's a good sign. Goodbye. Why do you

think it a good sign? Because I am

mortally afraid of her and it looks as

if she were mortally afraid of me.

Mother, is what Dolly told me true? What

did she tell you, dear? That you have

been speaking about me to this

gentleman? Oh, this gentleman. Mr.

Valentine, could you hold your tongue

for a moment? Mother, what right had you

to do it? I don't think I have said

anything I have no right to say. Gloria,

no, nothing at all. I'm sorry, papa. I

cannot believe that anyone has any right

even to think of things that concern me

only. My dear, if I have wounded your

pride, my pride? My pride? Oh, it's

gone. I have learned now that I have no

strength to be proud of. I know I have

lost your confidence, just as I have

lost this man's respect. This man,

praise her, be silent. But at least I

have the right to be left alone in my

disgrace. I am one of those weak

creatures born to be mastered by the

first man whose eye is caught by them.

And I must fulfill my destiny. I suppose

at least spare me the humiliation of

trying to save me. Oh, look here. No, I

will speak. I've been silent for nearly

30 seconds, Miss Clan. Not Mr. Clon. You

have found it quite safe to call me

Gloria. No, I won't. You'll throw it to

my teeth afterwards and accuse me of

disrespect. It is true I didn't respect

your old pride. Why should I? It was

nothing but cowardice. I didn't respect

your intellect. I have a better one

myself. It's a masculine specialtity.

But when the depth stirred, when my

moment came, when you made me brave,

then then then then then you respected

me, I suppose. No, I didn't. I adored

you. And you can never take that moment

away from me.

So now I don't care what

happens. I am perfectly aware that I'm

talking nonsense. I can't help it. I

love Gloria. And there's an end of it.

Mr. Valentine, you are a most dangerous

man. Gloria, come

here. Ask this man whom you have

inspired and made brave. How many women

have inspired him before? How many times

he has laid the trap in which he has

caught you, how often he has baited it

with the same speeches, how much

practice it has taken to perfect him in

his chosen part in life as the dualist

of sex. Mrs. Clendon, this is unfair.

You are abusing my confidence. Ask him,

Gloria. Is that true? Don't be angry.

Is it true? Have you ever said that

before? Felt that before for another

woman?

Yes. Gloria, you are forgetting

yourself.

Remember, a man's power of love and

admiration is it's like any other of his

powers. He has to throw it away many

times before he finds one is really

worthy of it. Another of the old

speeches. Gloria, take care. Do you

think I need to be warned now? You have

tried to make me love you. I have. Well,

you have succeeded in making me hate you

passionately. It's surprising how little

difference there is between the two.

You I have no men whose wives love them.

They go on exactly like that. Excuse me,

Mr. Valentine, but had you better not

go. Don't trouble to send him away on my

account, mother. He is nothing to me

now, and he will amuse Dolly and Phil.

Of course, that's a sensible way of

looking at it.

Come, Mrs. Clamp. You can't quarrel with

a mere butterfly like me. I very greatly

mistrust you, Mr. Valentine, but I do

not like to think your unfortunate

levity of disposition is mere

shamelessness and worthlessness. It is

shameless and it is worthless. So

perhaps you better send for Phil and

Dolly and allow you to end your visit in

the ordinary way. Oh, Mrs. Clandom, you

overwhelm me. Thank you,

Mr. Mccomomas. Ma'am. Oh, certainly.

Bring him in. He wishes to see you in

the reception room, ma'am. Why not here?

Well, if you'll excuse my mentioning,

ma'am, I think Mr. Mccomomas feels that

he would get fair play if he could speak

to you away from the younger members of

your family, ma'am. Well, tell him they

are not here. They are within sight of

the door. Very watchful for some reason

or other, ma'am. Oh, very well. I'll go

to him.

Only the tea things.

Still

chains. Excuse me,

sir. Come now. You'll forgive me sooner

or later. Forgive me now. Never. While

grass grows or water runs. Never. Never.

Never. Well, I don't care. I can't be

unhappy about anything. I shall never be

unhappy again. Never. Never. Never.

While grass grows or water

runs. The thought of you will always

make me wild with joy.

No, I never said that before. That's

new. It will not be new when you say it

to the next woman. Oh, don't. Gloria,

don't get up. Get up. How dare you?

I beg your pardon. Come, Dolly. Mother

will be here in just a moment, Phil.

Please wait here. Oh, indeed. Mhm.

You seem in excellent spirits,

Valentine. I

am. And now look here. You both know

what's going on, don't you? Perfectly.

Well, it's all over. I've been refused,

scorned. I'm here on sufference only. Is

that clear? Do you understand? Your

sister is in no way entertaining my

addresses. Is that clear? Serve you

right. You were in too great a hurry.

Never mind. You never been able to call

your soul your own if she'd married you.

You can now begin a new chapter in your

life. Chapter 17 or thereabouts, I

should imagine. Oh, don't say things

like that. That's just a sort of

thoughtless remark that makes a lot of

mischief. Oh,

indeed. Aha.

What chair vint?

Very serious news from your father, Miss

Clandon. Very serious news indeed.

Perhaps I'd better be going. By no

means, Mr. Valentine. You're deeply

concerned in

this. Mrs. Clon, your husband demands

the custody of his two younger children

who are not of age. To take Dolly from

me. But how nice of him, Mamar. He likes

us. I'm sorry. I have to disabuse you of

any such illusion, Miss Dorothy.

Dorothia. Oh, Finn. Oh, no. No, no, no.

The deed of separation gives me custody

of the children. It also contains a

covenant that you're not to approach or

molest him in any way. Have I done so?

Well, whether the behavior of your

younger children amounts to legal

molestation is a question on which it

may be necessary to take counsel's

opinion. At all events, Mr. Crampson not

only maintains that he was molested, but

he also believes that he was brought

here by a plot in which Mr. Valentine

acted as your agent. What's that? Hey,

he alleges that you drugged him, Mr.

Valentine. So I did. What did you do

that for? Five shillings extra.

I must really ask you, Miss Clender, not

to interrupt this very serious

conversation with irrelevant

interjections. I insist on having

earnest matters earnestly and reverently

discussed. Miss Clendon, it is my duty

to tell you that your father has also

persuaded himself that Mr. Valentine

wishes to marry you. I do.

In that case, sir, you must not be

surprised to find yourself regarded by

the young lady's father as a fortune

hunter. So I am. Do you expect my wife

to live on what I earn? 10 a week?

I have nothing more to say,

sir. I shall return and tell Mr.

Crempton that this family is no place

for a father. Finch. If Mr. Valentine

cannot be serious, you can sit

down. You know that all this is a madeup

case, that Fergus does not believe in it

any more than you do. Now give me your

real advice, your friendly, sincere

advice. You know I have always trusted

your judgment. I promise you the

children will be quiet.

Well, what I want to say is this. In the

old arrangement with your husband, Mrs.

Clon, you had him at a terrible

disadvantage. How so, Prey? Well, you

were an advanced woman accustomed to

defy public opinion with no regard for

what the world might say of him. Yes,

that's true. On the other hand, your

husband had a great horror of anything

getting into the papers. There was his

business to be considered as well as the

prejudices of an oldfashioned family.

Not to mention his own prejudices. Now,

no doubt he behaved very badly, Mrs.

Clair. No doubt. Was it alltogether his

fault? Was it mine? No. No, of course

not. You do not mean that, Mr.

Mccomomas.

My dear, young lady, you pick me up very

sharply. But let me just put this to

you. When a man makes an unsuitable

marriage, nobody's fault, you know, but

purely accidental incompatibility of

tastes, when he is deprived by that

misfortune of the domestic sympathy,

which I take it is what a man marries

for. Is it to be wondered at that he

makes matters worse at first by blaming

his wife, and even in his desperation,

by occasionally drinking himself into a

violent condition, or seeking sympathy

elsewhere? I did not blame him. I simply

rescued myself and the children from

him. Yes, but you made hard terms, Mrs.

Clans, and you had him at your mercy.

You brought him to his knees when you

threatened to make the matter public by

applying to the courts for a judicial

separation. Now, suppose he'd had that

power over you and used it to take your

children away from you and bring them up

in ignorance of your very

name. How would you feel?

What would you do?

Or won't you make some allowances for

his feelings in common humanity? I never

discovered his feelings. I discovered

his temper and

his the rest of his common humanity.

Women can be very hard, Mrs. Clon.

That's true. Be silent.

Let me make one last appeal. Mrs.

Landon, believe me, there are many who

have a good deal of feeling and kind

feeling too, which are not able to

express. What you miss in Crarampton is

that mere veneer of

civilization, the art of showing

worthless attentions and paying

insincere compliments in a kindly

charming

way. If you lived in London, where the

whole system is one of false good

fellowship, and you've been a man for 20

years without finding out that he hates

you like

poison, you'd soon have your eyes

open. There we do unkind things in a

kind way. We say bitter things in a

sweet

voice. We always give our friends

chloroform and we tear them to

pieces. But think of the other side of

it.

Think of the people who say kind things

in an unkind way. People whose touch

hurts, whose voices jar, whose tempers

play them

false. Who wound and worry the people

they love in the very act of trying to

consiliate them. And yet who need

affection just as much as the rest of

us. Oh, Cranton has an abominable

temper. I admit he's no manners, no

tact, no grace.

He'll never be able to gain anyone's

affection unless they will take his

desire for it on

trusts. Is he to have none? Not even

pity from his own flesh and blood.

Oh, how beautiful

Finch. How nice of you,

Finch. This is eloquence.

Positive

eloquence. Oh, can't we give him another

chance for Mark? Can't we have him to

dinner? No, Dolly. I hardly got any

lunch. My dear Finch, there is not the

least use in talking to me about Fergus,

you have never been married to him. I

have,

I've hitherto refrained from appealing

to you. But if what Mr. Crampton told me

be true, you've been more merciless even

than your mother. You appeal from her

strength to my weakness. Not your

weakness, Miss Clandon. I appeal from

her intellect to your heart.

I have learned to mistrust my heart. I

would tear my heart out and throw it

away if I

could. My answer to you is my mother's

answer.

I'm sorry. Very sorry. I've done my

best. But what did you expect, Finch?

What do you want us to do? Well, the

first step for both you and Crarampton

is to obtain Council's opinion as to

whether he's bound by the deed of

separation or not. Now, why not obtain

that opinion at once and have a friendly

meeting or shall we say a neutral

meeting to settle the difficulty here in

this

hotel tonight? What you say? But where

is Council's opinion to come from? It

has dropped down on us from out of the

clouds.

On my way back here from Cramptons, I

met a most eminent QC, a man whom I

briefed in the case that made his name

for him. Come down here from Saturday to

Monday for the Sier and to visit a

relative of his who lives here. He'd

been kind enough to say that if I can

arrange a meeting of the parties, he

will come and help us with his

opinion. Now, do let us seize this

chance of a quiet, friendly family

adjustment. Let me bring my friend here

and try and persuade Claron to come

true. Come consent.

Finch. I don't want council's opinion

because I intend to be guided by my own

opinion. I don't want to meet Fergus

again because I don't like him and don't

believe the meeting will do any good.

However, you seem to have persuaded the

children he's not quite hopeless. Do as

you please. Thank you, Mrs. Clan. 9:00

s. Perfectly. But if I to be accused of

conspiring with Mr. Valentine, I think

he had better be present. I quite agree

with you. I think it's most important.

There could be no objection to that. I

think I have the greatest hopes of a

happy settlement.

Goodbye for the present. William, we

expect visitors at 9:00. Can we have

dinner at 7 instead of halfast? 7,

ma'am. Certainly, ma'am. It'll be a

convenience for us this busy evening.

There will be the band and the arranging

of the fairy lights, one thing or

another. Fairy lights. What band?

William, what mean you? The fancy ball,

miss. Fancy ball. Yes, sir. given by the

regata committee for the benefit of the

lifeboat, sir. Oh, we often have the

man. Chinese lanterns of the garden,

very bright and pleasant, very gay and

innocent indeed. Tickets downstairs at

the officer. Five shillings. Ladies,

half pricey, accompanied by a gentleman.

To the office, the office. No, they must

not go dancing tonight. They must stay

here to meet their father.

I understand. I've stayed too long. I'm

going. I owe you some apology, Mr.

Valentine. I am conscious of having

spoken somewhat sharply to you, perhaps

rudely. Not at all. My only excuse is

that it is very difficult to give

consideration and respect when there is

no dignity of character on the other

side to command it. How is a man to look

dignified when he's infatuated? Don't

say those things to me. I forbid you.

They are insults.

No, they're only follys. I can't help

them.

If you were really in love, it would not

make you foolish. It would give

you

dignity,

earnestness, even beauty.

Do you really think it would make me

beautiful? You see, you're not in

earnest. Love can't give any man new

gifts. It can only heighten the gifts he

was born with.

What gifts were you born with? Pray,

lightness of heart.

And lightness of head and lightness of

faith and lightness of everything that

makes a

man.

Yes. The whole world is like a feather

dancing in the light

now. And Gloria is the

sun. Beg pardon. I'm off. Back at 9.

Goodbye. Idiot.

[Music]

Who's there?

[Music]

And ladies have gone for a turn through

the ground. Sir, it will be so good as

to take seats. Gentlemen, I shall turn.

Stop a bit. If another gentleman comes,

show him in without any delay. We're

expecting him. Right, sir. The name,

sir. Boon. Mr. Boon. He is a stranger to

Mrs. Clon, so I may give you a card. If

so, the name is spelled B O H U N. You

will not forget. Oh, you may depend on

me for that, sir. My own name is Boon,

sir. Though I'm best known down here as

Barmy

Waters. By rights, I should spell it

with the au, sir. But I think it best

not to take that liberty. There's Norman

blood in it, sir. And Norman blood is

not a recommendation to a waiter, sir.

Well, well, true hearts are more than

coronets, and simple faith than Norman

blood. Well, that depends a good deal on

one station in life, sir. If you were a

waiter, you'd find that simple faith

would leave you just as short as Norman

Blood. Uh, no, I find it best to spell

myself B O N and to keep my wits about

me. Uh, but I'm taking up your time, so

you'll excuse me, sir. It's your own

fault for being so effable, sir. I'll

tell that you're here, sir.

Benson, I can depend on you, can't Yes.

Yes. I'll be quiet. I'll be patient.

I'll do my best. Remember, I've not

given you away. I've told them it was

all their fault. You told me it was all

my fault. I told you the truth. If only

they'll be fair to me. My dear, they

won't be fair to you. is not to be

expected from them at their age. If

you're going to make impossible

conditions of this kind, you might as

well go back home at once. Surely I have

a right. You won't get your rights. Pull

yourself together. There's someone

coming.

There he is.

M. Be kind to him. I leave you with him

for a moment.

Where's Mccomomas gone out to leave us

together? Delicacy on his part, I

suppose.

[Music]

Well,

father, well, daughter,

shake hands,

my dear. I'm afraid I spoke very

improperly of your mother this

afternoon. Don't

apologize. I was very high and mighty

myself, but I've come down since then.

Oh, yes. I've been brought down. What's

happened to you, my child? Oh, never

mind. I was playing the part of my

mother's daughter, but I'm not. I'm my

father's daughter. That's a comedown,

isn't it? What? Well, yes. I suppose it

is my child. I I suppose it is. I'm

afraid I am sometimes a little

irritable, but I know what is right and

reasonable all the time, even though I

don't act on it. Can you believe that?

Believe it. Why, that's myself. Myself

all over. I know what's right and

dignified and strong and noble just as

well as she does. But the things I do,

the things I do, the things I let other

people do as well as she does. You mean

your mother? Yes, mother. Now listen. No

treason to her. No word or thought

against her. She is our superior. Yours

and mine. High heavens above us. Is that

agreed? Yes. Yes. Just as you please, my

dear. You don't like her, my child. You

haven't been married to her. I have. She

did me a very great wrong in marrying me

without really caring for me. But after

that, the wrong was all on my side, I

dare say.

Take care. My feelings, my miserable,

cowardly womanly feelings may be on your

side, but my conscience is on hers. I'm

very well content with that division.

Thank you, my dear. Excuse me. It's

impossible to find a servant to announce

one. Even the never failing William

seems to be at the ball. I should have

got myself only I haven't five shillings

for a ticket. How you getting on,

Captain? Better, eh? I am myself again,

Mr. Valentine, no thanks to you.

Look at this ungrateful parent of yours,

Miss Cllandon. I save him from an

excruciating pang, and he reviles me. I

am sorry my mother is not here to

receive you, Mr. Valentine. But it is

not quite 9:00. And the gentleman of

whom Mr. Makoma spoke, the lawyer has

not yet come. Oh, yes, he has. I've met

him and talked to him. You'll like him,

Miss Clannon. He's the very incarnation

of intellect. You can hear his mind

working. Where is he? Bought false nose

and gone to the fancy ball. It seems

everyone's gone to this fancy ball

instead of keeping to our appointment

here. Oh, he'll be here all right

enough. That was half an hour ago. I

didn't like to borrow five shillings

from him for a ticket and go in with

him. So, I joined the mob and looked in

through the railings until Miss Glendon

disappeared. So, it has come to this

that you follow me about in public to

stare at me. Yes, somebody ought to

chain me up.

I'm so sorry to have kept you all

waiting.

Well, I I big pardon, sir, but this is a

private apartment, sir. If you'll allow

me, I will show you the American bar and

the supper room. Sir, this way, sir.

My name is Boon.

Have I the honor of addressing Mrs.

Clon?

Miss

Clandon. Mr. Clandon. My name is Claron,

sir. Oh, indeed.

Are you Mr. Clandon? Do I look like it?

My name is Valentine. I did the

drugging. Ah, quite so. Then Mr. Clon

has not yet arrived. I beg you pardon

then. But can you tell me what became of

the Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. I'm

sure. Was Was it you? It was I.

You in the false nose,

Walter. Oh, I beg pardon.

You will excuse him, Mrs. Glendon, I

inform you that he is my father. No, no,

Walter. A waiter for a father on top of

a false note. What will people think of

you, Walter? I'm delighted to hear it,

Mr. Boon. Your father has been an

excellent friend to us since we came

here. Oh, no, no, ma'am. That's very

kind of you. Very ladylike and affable

indeed, ma'am. But I should feel at a

great disadvantage off my own proper

footing. And never mind my being this

gentleman's father. Ma'am, it is only

the accident of birth after

all. If you'll excuse me, ma'am. I'm

sure having interrupted your business.

One

moment. My father was a witness, was he

not, of what passed the day, Mrs. Clon?

Yes, most of it. I think in that case,

we shall want it. Well, I hope it will

not be necessary, sir. Very busy evening

for me, sir. That ball. Very busy

evening indeed. We shall want you. Sit

down, won't you? Oh. Oh, if you please,

ma'am. I really must draw the line that

sitting down. I I couldn't let myself be

seen doing such a thing. Thank you,

ma'am. All the same, ma'am. Don't let us

waste time. William only wants to go on

taking care of us. I should like a cup

of coffee. Oh, yes. Coffee. Yes,

certainly, miss. Thank you, miss. Very

timely, miss. Very thoughtful and

considerate indeed. Miss, anything for

you, ma'am? Uh, yes. It's so hot. I

think we might have a jug of carrot cup.

Yes, certainly, ma'am. Oh, well, I'll

have carrots instead of coffee. Uh, put

some cucumber in it. Cucumber, miss.

Certainly,

miss. Anything special for you, sir? You

don't like cucumber, do you? If Mrs.

Clandom would allow me, siphon scotch.

Siphon scotch. And an Irish for you, I

think, sir. And I like cucumber. And a

cucumber, sir. Yes, that's it. One

siphon clar and one scotch and one

Irish. I think that's right. Directly,

I'm coming directly.

We could begin now. I suppose we had

better wait until Mrs. Clandon's husband

arrives. What do you mean? I'm her

husband. You said just now that your

name is Crampton. So it is.

One moment.

Pray allow me. Sit down.

Everybody in this family. It appears the

husband's name is Crampton, the wife's

Clandon. Thus, we have on the very

threshold of the case an element of

confusion. This is perfectly simple. It

is. Mrs. Clandon has adopted another

name. That is the obvious explanation

which you fear I cannot find out for

myself. You mistrust my intelligence,

Mr. Valentine. No, I don't want you to

answer that. I want you to think over it

when you feel your next impulse to

interrupt me. But this is merely

breaking a butterfly on a wheel. What

does it matter? I tell you what it

matters, sir. It matters that if this

family difference is to be smoothed

over, as we all hope it may be, Mrs.

Clon, as a matter of social convenience

and decency, will have to resume her

husband's name, or else Mr. Crarampton

will have to call himself Mr. Clandon.

No doubt you think that an easy matter,

Mr. Valentine. I differ from you. I

think, Boon, perhaps we'd better dispose

of the important questions first.

Mccomus, there will be no difficulty

about the important questions. There

never is. It is the trifles that will

wreck you at the harbor mouth.

You don't agree with me, eh? Well, if I

did, if you did, you would be me instead

of being what you are. Of course. Your

specialtity. My specialtity is being

right when other people are wrong. If

you agreed with me, I should be no use

here.

Now, you, Mr. Crarampton, what point in

this business have you most at heart? I

wish to put aside all considerations of

self in this matter. So do we all, Mr.

Crarampton. You wish to put self aside,

Mrs. Clon? Yes. I am not consulting my

own feelings in being here. So do you,

Miss Landon? Yes, I thought so. We all

do. Except me. Then my aims are so

That's because you think an affectation

of sincerity will produce a better

effect on Miss Clandon than an

affectation of disinterestedness.

Now, Mr. Crarampton, it is understood

that self is put aside. Human nature

always begins by saying that. But I mean

it, sir. Quite so. Now for your point.

Well, any reasonable person will agree

that it's an unselfish one. It's about

the children. Well, what about the

children? Stop. You're going to tell me

about your feelings, Mr. Crampton.

Don't. I sympathize with them, but

they're not my business. Tell us exactly

what it is you want. That's what we have

to get at. Well, it's a very difficult

question to answer, Mr. Boon. Well,

come, I'll help you out. What do you

object to in the present circumstances

of the children? I object to the way

they've been brought up. How do you

propose to alter that now? Well, I think

they ought to dress more quietly.

Nonsense. When you are down, Mr.

Valentine, when you are quite dumb.

What's wrong with Miss Clandon's dress?

My opinion's as good as yours, father.

Oh, I didn't mean you, of course, my

dear, but the two younger ones, Mr.

Boon, you haven't yet seen them. Indeed,

I'm sure you'd agree with me. There's

something very noticeable, something

almost gay and frivolous in their style

of dressing. Do you suppose I choose

their clothes for them? Oh, really? This

is child childish? Yes. Dress really

charmingly.

Scotch.

We interrupted you, I'm afraid. Mr.

Boon, you did. Just wait a bit.

You don't mind us detaining you? I hope

Mr. Vaughn wishes it. Oh, no, not at

all, ma'am. No, it's a pleasure to me to

watch the workings of his powerful and

trained mind. Very stimulating, very

entertaining and instructive indeed,

ma'am.

Now, Mr. Crarampton, we're waiting for

you. Do you give up your objection to

the dressing or do you stick to it? Mr.

Moon, you must consider my position for

a moment. I have and only myself to

consider. There's my sister Spronia, my

brother-in-law, all their circle. They

have a very great horror of anything

that is at all at all. Well, out with

it, fast, loud, gay. Not in any

unprincipled sense, of course. But those

two children would shock them. They're

not fit to mix with their own people.

That's what I complain of. Mr.

Valentine, do you think there is

anything fast or loud about Phil and

Dolly? Not at all. Out of Bosch. Nothing

could be in better days. Of course you

say so. William, you see a great deal of

good English society. Do you think my

children are overdressed? Oh, dear. No,

ma'am. No, not at all, sir. No. A little

pretty and tasty perhaps, but uh very

gentile and high toned and very choice

indeed. Might take them for this son and

daughter of deans. If only to look at

them, I assure you.

[Music]

Get me down somewhere pap.

Oh dear. What fun?

Oh cleric.

This is the younger lady, is it? Yes,

please. Who are you? This is Mr. Boon

Dolly who has very kindly come to help

us this evening. Oo. So he comes as a

boon and a blessing to men. Mr. Boon

Mcome as I appeal to you. Is this right?

Could you blame my sister's family for

objecting to it? Have you begun again?

No. No. Perhaps it's only natural at

your age. Never mind my age. Do you

think it's pretty? Yes, my child. Yes.

Do you like it? My child, how can you

expect me to like it or approve of it?

Well, how can you think it's pretty and

not like it? No. Don't interrupt, mus.

The young lady's method is right. Press

your questions, Miss Clandon. press your

questions. Dear, you really are a

regular overwhelmed. You always go on

like that. Yes. Don't you try to put me

out of countenance, young lady. You're

too young to do it. Sit down.

Now, Mr. Crarampton, the facts are

before you, both of them. You think

you'd like to have your two youngest

children to live with you? Well, you

wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. You think

you would, but I know better than you.

You'd want this young lady here to give

up dressing like a stage coline in the

evening and like a fashionable coline in

the morning. Well, she won't. Never. She

thinks she will, but she won't. No, I

don't. I shall never give up dressing

prettily. Never. As Gloria said to that

man in Madiraa, never. Never. Never.

While grass grows or water runs. What?

What? When did she say that? Who did she

say that? Mr. Val, interrupt me, sir.

This is something really serious. I

insist on knowing who Miss Clandon said

that to. Perhaps Phil remembers. Which

was it, Phil? Number three or number

five? Number five. Oh, courage,

Valentine. It wasn't number five. It was

only some tame naval left tenant who was

always on hand. The most patient and

harmless of mortals. What are we

discussing now? Prey. Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me. I'm sorry I interrupted. I sh

not further, Mrs. Camden.

Please go on, Mr. Boon.

You're going to bully us, Mr. Boon. Yes,

you are. You think you're not, but you

are. I can tell by your eyebrows.

Mrs. Clandon, these are clever children.

Clearheaded, well brought up children. I

make that admission deliberately. Can

you in return point out to me any way of

inducing them to hold their tongues?

Dolly, dearest. Our old failing dolly.

Silence.

Now, Mr. Bon, before they begin

again. But be quick, sir. Be quick. Dear

William,

have you any intention of getting

married?

I Well, Finch does call me by my

Christian name. I will not have this,

Mr. Boon. I use the young lady's

Christian name naturally as an old

friend of her mothers. Oh yes, you may

call me Dolly is an old friend of

mothers. But what about Dorothia? Keep

your temper, Mccomomas. Don't let us

quarrel. Be patient. I must be patient.

You're showing the most wicked weakness

of character. Crmpton, I say this is

monstrous. Shaboon, please bully Finch

for it. I will. Merus, you're making

yourself ridiculous. Sit down. I know.

Sit down. Sit down.

Thank you.

Now, listen to me all of you. I give no

opinion, McMas, as to how far you may or

may not have committed yourself in the

direction indicated by this young lady.

I have No, don't interrupt the comus. If

she doesn't marry you, she will marry

somebody else. That is the solution of

the difficulty as to her not bearing her

father's name. The other lady intends to

get married. Oh, yes you do. You don't

know it, but you do. Stop. I warn you

not to answer for my intentions. It's no

use, Miss Candon. You can't put me down.

I tell you, your name will soon be

neither Clandon nor Crarampton. And I

could tell you what it will be if I

chose. Mr. Crarampton, your notion of

going to law is all nonsense. Your

children will be of age before you can

get the point decided. You can do

nothing but make a friendly arrangement.

If you want your family more than they

want you, you'll get the worst of the

arrangement. If they want you more than

you want them, you'll get the better of

it. The strength of their position lies

in there being very agreeable people

personally. The strength of your

position lies in your income.

Oh, now you look quite like a human

being. Can I have just one dance with

me? You can dance, can't you? Yes. You

think I can't? Well, I can. Allow me.

One with the darts. Let joy be

unconfined. William. Yes. Can you

procure a couple of dominoes and false

noses for my father and Mr. Mccomomas?

Most certainly not. I protest. Yes. Yes.

What harm will do just for once? Mus.

Don't let us be small in sports.

Crmpton, you are not the man I took you

for. Bullies are always cowards. Never

mind. We must indulge them a little. Oh,

wait. Can you find us something to wear?

Certainly, sir. Dominoes and noses this

way, sir. I shall wear my own nose. Oh,

dear me. Yes, sir. Well, the forceworm

will fit over it quite easily. Plenty of

room, sir. Plenty of room. Come along,

my boy. Come along. Coming, Dad. Coming.

Did you feel the pathos of nuts?

[Music]

Why did Mr. Valentine go away so

suddenly, I wonder? I don't know.

Yes, I do know. I just go and see the

dancing. Oh, excuse me. I thought the

party had quite broken up. Then why did

you come back? I came back because I'm

penniless. I can't get out that way

without a five shilling ticket. Has

anything annoyed you, Mr. Valentine?

Never mind him, mother. This is just a

fresh insult to me. That is all.

Glorious. Mrs. Clon, have I said

anything insulting? Have I done anything

insult? You have implied that my past

has been like yours. That is the worst

of insults. I imply nothing of the sort.

I declare that my past has been

blameless in comparison to yours, Mr.

Valentine. Well, what am I to think when

I learn that Gloria has made exactly the

same speeches to other men that she's

made to me? Five former lovers with a

tame naval left tenant thrown in. It's

too bad. But you surely do not believe

that these affairs, mere jokes of the

children, are serious, Mr. Valentine.

Not to you, not to her, perhaps. I know

what the men felt. Think of the wreck

lives, the the unhappy marriages

contracted in the recklessness of

despair, the the the suicide. Mother,

this man is a sentimental idiot. Oh, my

dearest Gloria, Mr. Valentine will think

that rude. I am not a sentimental idiot.

I'm cured of sentiment forever.

Mr. Valentine, you must excuse us all.

Women have to unlearn the false good

manners of their slavery before they can

acquire the genuine good manners of

their freedom.

Don't think Gloria Valga. She's not

really. So, mother, you apologize for me

to him. My dear, you have some of the

faults of youth as well as its

qualities. And Mr. Valentine seems

rather too old-fashioned in his ideas of

his own sex to enjoy being called an

idiot. Now, had we better not go and see

what Dolly is doing? Do you go, mother?

I wish to speak to Mr. Valentine alone.

My dear, I beg your pardon, Gloria.

Certainly.

Oh, if your mother were only a widow,

she's with six of you. That is the first

thing I have heard you say that does you

honor. Stop. Come say what you want to

say and let me go. I have only this to

say. You dragged me down to your level

for a moment this afternoon. Do you

think that if that had happened before,

I should not have known what was coming?

That I should not have been on my guard.

I should not have known my own miserable

weakness. Don't talk of it in that way.

What do I care for anything in you but

your weakness, as you call it?

You thought yourself very safe, didn't

you, behind your advanced

ideas. I amuse myself by upsetting them

pretty easily. Indeed.

Why did I do

it? Because I was being tempted to

awaken your

heart. Why was I

tempted? Because nature was in deadly

earnest with me when I was ingested with

hurt. When the great moment came, who

was

awakened? Who was

stirred? In whom did the depths break

up?

and

myself.

Myself. I was transported and you were

only offended,

shocked. You're just an ordinary young

lady. Too ordinary to allow tame left

tenants to go as far as I went. That's

all. I shan trouble you with

conventional

apologies. Goodbye.

Stop.

Oh, will you believe me if I tell you

the truth? That I am not making advances

to you? I know what you're going to say.

That you're not an ordinary young lady?

That I was right? That you really do

have those depths in your nature? It

flatters you to believe it.

Well, I grant you're not an ordinary

young lady in some

ways. Very clever. But you haven't been

awakened

yet. You didn't care.

You don't

care. It was my tragedy, not

yours.

Goodbye. Let us part

kindly.

Goodbye. I trust you will soon recover

from the wound.

Oh, I shall

recover. Such wounds heal more than they

harm. After all, I still have my own

Gloria. What do you mean? The Gloria of

my imagination.

Keep your own Gloria. The Gloria of your

imagination. The real

Gloria. The real Gloria who was shocked,

offended,

horrified. Oh yes, quite

truly. Who was driven mad with shame by

the feeling that all her power had

broken from her when she Take care. I'm

losing my senses again.

No, Gloria, be sensible. I haven't a

penny in the world. Can't you earn one?

Other people do. No, I never could. No,

my dearest love. No, I'd be the meest

fortune hunting adventurer of

[Music]

you. Oh

Lord, I don't know anything about

women. 12 years experience is just not

enough.

Oh, how beautifully you dance, will you?

Thank you.

How could you make me do such a silly

thing? I haven't done since the swary at

South Place 20 years ago. Get

up now. Let us have no false delicacy.

Tell my mother that we have agreed to

marry one another.

Number.

Oh my feelings. I want to hug someone,

but we're buried in the family. Where's

Vinch? Finch? No. Pause the Oh, you're

just in time.

Now bless them. Oh

no, I will not have one. Not even in

Jess. When I want a blessing, I shall

ask my mother. Am I to understand? You

have engaged yourself to this young

gentleman? Yes. Do you want to be our

friend or our father? Well, I would like

to be both, my dear. But surely, Mr.

Valentine, I appeal to your sense of

honor. I quite agree with you. I think

it's perfect madness. If we go out to

dance together, I'll have to borrow five

shillings from her for a ticket. Oh,

Gloria, don't be rash. You're throwing

yourself

away. I'd much better clear straight out

of this and never see any of you again.

I shall commit suicide. You shall even

be unhappy. It'll be a relief to

me. I'm

frightened. I'm positively frightened.

And that's the plain truth. You shall

not go.

No, my dearest. Of course

not. Oh, won't somebody talk sense for a

moment and bring us all to reason? I

can't. Where's Boon? Boon's a man. Phil.

Phil, go and summon Boon. From the vast

deep I go. If you'll excuse my putting

in a word, sir. Please do not let five

shillings stand between you and your

happiness. We shall be only too pleased

to put the ticket down to you, sir. And

you can settle at your convenience.

Well, we'd like to meet you in any way

we can, sir. Very pleased and happy

indeed.

He comes.

Boon, the point is, excuse me, the point

must be put to him by a solicitor. The

question is one of an engagement between

these two young people. The lady has

some property and will uh probably have

a good deal more. Possibly. I I hope so.

And the gentleman hasn't arrived. Then

insist on a settlement. That shocks your

delicacy. Most sensible precautions do.

But you ask my advice and I give it.

Have a settlement. He shall have a

settlement. My good sir, I don't want

your advice. Give her some advice. She

won't take it. When you're married, she

won't take yours either. Oh, no you

won't. You think you will, but you

won't. He'll set to work and earn his

living. Oh, yes, you will. You think you

won't, but you will. She'll make you.

Then, Mr. Boon, you don't think this

match an unwise one? Yes, I do. All

matches are unwise. It's unwise to be

born. It's unwise to be married. It's

unwise to live. And it's wise to die. If

I may respectfully put in a words, sir,

so much the worse for wisdom. Allow me

to remark that if Gloria, the matter is

settled and Valentine's done for and

we're missing all the dances. Gloria,

may I have this done? Excuse me. I claim

that privilege as council's fee. May I

have the honor? Thank you,

[Music]

darling. May I? Nonsense. Where's Finch?

My feet. Oh, no. You pay Jane. Really?

Mrs. Glenn, come here.

[Music]

I might as well be a married man

already.

Cheer up, sir. Cheer up.

Every man is frightened of marriage when

it comes to the point, sir, but very

often it turns out very comfortable,

very enjoyable and happy indeed, sir,

from time to

time. Now, I was never a master in my

own

house. Though my wife was like your

young lady, she was of commanding and

masterful disposition, which my son has

inherited. But if I had my life to live

twice

over, I'd do it again. I'll do it

again. You never can tell, son. You

never can tell.

[Music]

Yes. Here we go.

Heat. Heat.

[Music]

Heat. Heat.

[Music]