Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

[cheerful music playing]

[fanfare music playing]

Ow!

-Oh. Okay. -[doorbell rings]

Thank you for booking Larry's Happy Snaps

for a family portrait you're sure not to hate.

Positive feelings about your portrait not guaranteed.

No refunds, no re-dos, framing not included.

Come on in, Larry.

You can set yourself up in the dining room.

Thanks, ma'am.

[Richard whimpers]

-Come on, Dad. Keep them open. -[groaning in pain]

You need to get used to this

so the flash doesn't startle you when we take the photo.

It's not my fault I was born

with the eyes of a beautiful young baby deer. [whimpers]

Richard, you got this.

Come on, everyone, it's photo time!

Why do we need a new photo anyway?

[sighs] Seriously?

Hmm? Hmm?

Hmm?

I always kind of liked that picture.

It's impressionistic.

Yeah, it gives the impression we're weirdos.

[Nicole] Look, Anais isn't even in frame.

Besides, it's not just that photo.

My birthday dinner.

Christmastime.

The one and only vacation we had last year.

Wait, that one's nice.

That's our reflection in the plastic.

I just want one nice Watterson family photo

where we all look normal,

and not like a bunch of criminals

in a police lineup.

Is that too much to ask for?

Yes, it is!

So if you please, lovely customers,

'cause I got a bar mitzvah to get to after this.

So the less dialog, the quicker I can get this done.

All right, big smiles, everyone.

[forceful grinning]

Uh, maybe take it down a bit.

-[under breath] Richard! -[Larry] Okay.

And three, two...

-One. -[doorbell rings]

[sighs] Everyone stay here.

I'm here for the family photograph.

Granny Jojo!

I don't think I told you about--

You didn't. I read about it in Richard's weekly newsletter.

[Richard] You know, honey,

Rich Pickings,

the wit and wisdom of Richard Watterson.

[sighs] Well, I guess you're family,

and this is a family portrait, so--

Great. Come on in, Louie.

-[grunts] -What?

W-Wait, what's this?

Oh, it's a bunch of old junk I found in my basement

that I thought might look good on your windowsill.

[sighs] Great.

More useless old relics in the house.

Whoa! What's this, Granny Jojo?

Ah, some old family heirloom. I don't know.

Hey! Bunion.

[Richard] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

Whoa!

This thing looks like it needs your soul to be opened.

The only thing taking your souls

will be me if you don't...

[in evil tone] ...give me your cutest smile

for this photo!

Okay, everyone, just, uh, shuffle in a bit.

-Hey, you calling me fat? -[normal voice] Granny, please.

Okay. And three...

two...

-One! -[doorbell rings]

-What was that? -[sighs]

You've got to be kidding me.

Nicole!

Mom? Dad? W-What are you two--

Oh. Rich Pickings.

You didn't start the photo without us, did you?

No, you're just in time.

And thank you for being a loyal newsletter reader.

We've actually got some news of our own.

After 40 blissful years together,

your father and I have decided

we'd both like to consciously uncouple.

She wants to leave me for her yoga instructor.

-[scoffs] -This isn't happening.

You remember Johnny Toucan, right, honey?

Hey, Nicole.

I haven't seen you since senior year.

Yeah, when you were a freshman.

[laughs] Well, it takes "toucan" to tango,

-[laughs] -Oh. [chuckles]

Oh, Johnny. Yeah, I get it, like your name.

That doesn't make any sense.

I know this is a lot to take in,

so I got help to bring in the rest.

I need a place to stay.

You guys can take the couch.

[snarls ferociously]

-[Johnny laughs] -[mild clamor]

Okay. You're gonna have to all stand still.

Kids, stop messing around with that box!

But, Mother...

It calls to us.

Now, now, do you think

-you "toucan" behave? -[laughter]

There's three of them, you ignoramus.

And don't talk to my grandkids!

Louie, get my purse.

-We got a fight cooking. -Can I close my eyes yet?

Mrs. Watterson, I have another job to get to.

I really need to take this picture.

-Yes, yes, Larry, uh, this... -[clamoring]

-This will be the one. -[Larry] Okay.

Three, two...

-One. -[doorbell rings]

-[sighs] -Okay, no one move!

-[gasps] -Hey!

Frankie?

-Dad! -I thought you're in prison

for robbing that gardening store.

Ah, someone told me there was money in the hedge funds.

But I got out.

[teeth clenched] Call Elmore Police Station.

Ah, don't worry. It's all legit.

My correctional officer is with me.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Who I'm also dating.

-[sighs] -Wait, Dad!

How did you get the newsletter?

Son, for the right price,

you can get anything in jail...

-[officer] Mmm-hmm. -...including a head tattoo

of my baby boy.

Oh, it looks just like me, Dad.

Fine, come on in.

It's not like this photo shoot can get any more chaotic.

[gasps in terror]

[in unison] The power of three will set this box free.

I got five bucks on the big one.

-I'm gonna rip you apart. -[clamoring]

[laughs] Oh, looks like "toucan" play--

[Daniel shouts]

[background clamor]

[gasps]

-Richard! -[kids] The power of three--

[Richard grunts]

[Richard groans]

Oh.

It was the ashes

of my great-great-uncle Howard's barbecue pit.

[slurps, smacks lips]

That man could smoke a brisket for days.

Hey, Nicole. Looks like you could use a little time-out.

Ma'am, this is not acceptable.

I've really got to get to my next job.

-So if-- -[loud shrieking]

Totally understand.

Your feedback is important to us.

-All right, here we go. -[soft whimper]

Okay, Nicole, let's just talk this out.

-Just you and me... -[officer coughs]

...and my court appointed parole officer.

-And love of my life. -Aw!

I get it.

Family can be tough.

But in all those years I spent behind bars,

you know what I learned?

Solitary confinement is amazing?

No. Well, yes.

Me time is always great for the soul.

But also, I learned how to mediate conflict,

to communicate with those who struggle to listen

to the needs of others around them.

-May I? -[sighs]

[clamoring]

Everybody, listen up!

I'm gonna pin each and every one of you in the cool house

and fry your cheesesteaks if you don't get in line

and take this picture for Nicole!

There's also way too many of you.

So we're taking this operation outside.

[whooshes]

-Uh... -You're welcome.

Do I have hat hair?

-I feel like I have hat hair. -Wait, where's Larry?

Oh, he was a little tied up with his next gig,

but he said I could borrow the camera.

Okay, but who's gonna take the photo?

I will. I was on mugshot duty for eight months,

so I know all about snapping

criminally beautiful people such as yourselves.

[laughs] I love this guy.

But, Frankie, you should be in the photo.

Listen, after everything I've done,

I need to earn your trust

before I'm allowed to rejoin this family.

You just want a nice family picture.

So let me do this for you.

[sobs]

Thanks, Frankie.

Oh, isn't he a dream?

Okay, everyone, this is it.

[chattering]

Not getting everyone.

I'll move back a bit.

Uh-uh, still too close.

Don't want to cut off any of your lovely faces.

And a bit more.

Little bit further.

That's it. Perfect.

Okay, hold it right there and say...

"You'll never catch me!"

[in unison] "You'll never catch me!"

[car door slams]

-[engine revs] -[tires screech]

Uh, did he just escape?

He couldn't have taken the photo first?

Oh no, I'm in so much trouble.

Wait, remember your training.

Blame the people I'm sworn to protect.

Cool.

Code 10-98!

I got a family aiding an escaped convict!

-[sirens blaring] -[family gasping]

[officers shouting]

Freeze, Wattersons!

-[Richard gasps] -[officers clamor]

You won't take me alive! Run!

[officer 1] We've got a runner!

[Granny Jojo] Get your bear claws off him,

-you Donut-Hole! -[groans]

[screams]

[grunts] Take him! He's the ringleader.

-[officers shout] -[screams]

[whimpers] Quickly! Get inside!

[intense music playing]

-[whimpering] -[officers shouting]

Well, I guess the photo's not happening.

[whimpers] Maybe it wasn't meant to be, honey.

[chuckles] Like the kids' college funds.

Or my... [scatting]

...failed scat career.

Yeah, Mom, it's just a photo.

But it's more than that!

[somber music playing]

I just wanted one normal thing amidst a house full of chaos.

To come down in the morning, sip my coffee

and look at a nice picture of us

before the day blows up in my face.

-[crashes] -[scared whimpering]

[muffled] Sorry to interrupt.

Beautiful family, Nicole.

[weakly] Beautiful family.

I don't know.

Maybe it's impossible.

[all crying]

All right, guys, you don't need to milk it.

No, I think it's the gas canister

they just threw in.

-[canister hissing] -[crying continues]

[cries]

This day really is a disaster.

[sniffles]

No, Mom. [sniffles]

We're gonna get this photo.

Yeah. You deserve it, Mrs. Mom.

And I still got the camera. [sniffles]

'Cause it's the last thing my dad touched.

And because the feds might need his fingerprints.

Oh, thanks, guys.

-[slams on door] -[gasps]

Come out with your hands up!

Quick! Barricade the door.

[all grunting]

[all straining]

[muffled] Help me! Get me out of here!

Great idea, Larry.

You can take the picture.

[thrilling instrumental music playing]

All right! We're breaking this thing down in...

Three...

Two...

One!

-[Larry whimpers] -[explosion]

-[officers shouting] -[camera shutter clicking]

[shouting continues]

[intense music playing]

[Nicole] We're innocent!

[cheerful music]

Okay. Sorry for the mistake.

You're free to go.

Good. You finally figured out

that officer was lying, and dating an inmate,

might I add?

Oh no, we actually made her chief of police.

Whoo-hoo!

I'm only letting you go because I can't wait to read

about this in next week's Rich Pickings.

Ah!

Thank you for your service, officer.

-[Dog Cop grunts] -Huh? Oh!

Your personal items.

This camera was recovered at the scene of the crime.

It sustained some damage when we busted into your house.

-[growling] -Uh, I mean...

Some other guys broke it

-some other time. -[barks]

It just kept snapping pictures until the batteries died.

[chuckles]

[cheerful music]

Perfect.

Honey, are you sure?

-[muffled whimper] -I'm sure.

[Nicole] It's perfect.

[dreamy music playing]

Actually no, that's weird. We'll stick with the old one.

[closing theme music playing]