Original subtitles

Shanise, I really appreciate you coming over

and helping me plan my party tonight.

Oh, no problem.

Hey, you know I just planned a party

for my Aunt Alice's funeral.

It was so much fun.

Oh, oh. And the magician was the bomb.

Shanise, why would you have a magician at a funeral?

Because everyone was so sad.

But when he sawed Uncle Mark in half

people forgot all about Aunt Alice.

Great.

Anyway, uh, about my party

I'm tryin' to find a theme for it.

Oh, how about the theme from "Star Wars?"

Oh, no, no, the theme from "Shaft."

Like that, right?

Why don't you just take notes and let me do to thinking?

Okay, but you know, sometimes

two heads are better than one.

Not in this case.

Um, now when I say theme

I mean, you know, the flavor of a party

like-like, Halloween, Christmas.

Oh, how about a Groundhogs Day party?

Ooh, something like that. Now picture this.

I see people dancing and-and music and food

and people all around me, you know what I'm saying?

And you know, I'm the center of attention.

You know, 'cause it's all..

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's just it.

I'll be the theme because

it's all about me and my new job.

- Can you picture that? - Yeah. Okay, hold on.

- Okay, I see it. - Okay.

- I see it. - Good.

- Okay, done. - Lemme see what you got.

Is this what you pictured?

Whazzup? Whazzup? Whazzup?

That's how it is.

That's how it's gonna be. New year.

Uh-huh. Taste that, baby. Put your lips on there.

What? W-what the matter? What you think?

Oh, I think it needs some more sugar.

Oh, yeah. We gonna party tonight.

- Aah! - Hey, Tommy, man.

I can't wait till Martin get here with that food, man.

Brother starvin' like Marvin.

Well, that's too bad 'cause that food's for the party tonight.

Cole, who's Marvin?

Oh, he was this dude that was hungry..

Damn, Pam.

I can't believe how far I had to park away

from your dog house.

I'm surprised you managed to get out

of the car seat all by delf.

Where do you want me to put these wings?

In the fridge next to

the kennel ration?

Just put 'em over there, Tickle me, Earmo.

You know, Pam, I think it's really great

that you're havin' a little party to celebrate

your new gig down at the record company.

I did the same thing when I got my new job.

Tommy, I don't-I don't remember you havin' no party.

And I damn sure don't remember you havin' no job, Tommy.

Uh.. No.

- We gotta roll, Pam. - Oh, yeah.

I still have to figure out what I'm gonna wear.

It's just a party, Shanise.

No, honey, I mean for work tomorrow.

Okay!

We'll see y'all a little later, alright?

You get on out, too.

- Hey, look-- - 'Get out.'

- I'm gone. - Get out.

You know, I really like that, but look

one more thing before I go.

You might wanna open up a window.

How come?

Because it's smells like Lion Country Safari up in here.

Oh, man. Stin-ky.

I'm telling you, Elvis ain't dead.

The aliens. The aliens got him.

And, and, and now he's burnin' up the charts on Krypton.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

- Oh, really, Tammy? - Mm-hmm.

They got Jimi Hendrix, too.

Is that Bruce Lee paging me?

Would you please tell him

I don't want to be in a relationship right now.

I'm seeing Denzel.

You know what that means, Tammy?

It's time to take your medication.

No. No, Nurse Froyd, I don't wany anymore medication!

I'm not gonna take anymore medication.

Because I don't have to.

I.. Hey!

Ouch! Oh, God.

You.

Give me that.

And now, I'm gonna see my cousin Pam.

All aboard!

'It's open, Shanise.'

'Did you bring that new Keith Sweat CD?'

Back up.

Pam?

Tammy!

It's, It's me, Cousin Pam.

Ooh.

It's a nice apartment.

Girl, I have not seen you in ages.

What have you been up to?

Oh, I've been in Krypton. Uh..

Paris for-for the past few years

doing uh, that-that modeling thing.

Well, you sure got the face for it

with your fine self.

Nice coat. Did you get that in Paris?

Oh, this?

Umm, no. I just, um

did a little window shopping on my way over here.

You know, and your timing is perfect.

'Cause I'm havin' a party tonight.

Now that I remember, girl

you used to lose your mind on the dance floor.

Oh, you swing from one chandelier

and they never let you forget it.

Well, you just make yourself at home.

I'mma finish my makeup.

Sit. Stand.

So, umm...what's the party for?

'I just got a new job at a record company.'

Who are these people in the picture with you?

'Well, those are my friends.'

'The one with the big head is my girl Gina'

'and the one with the big ears is her husband Martin.'

Who's the tall bald brother?

'That's Tommy.'

'Oh, yeah, Cole is the short, thick one.'

Nice hat.

They're comin'. They comin'. Get down.

Get down. Get down.

Can I get you anything?

Umm, no. Ah, ah, I need a drink.

- Is this the kitchen? - Yeah. Help yourself.

The hell is wrong with her?

Phew. Whoa, slow down.

- Can I help you? - As a matter of fact, you can.

You could come along with us without giving us any trouble.

Who the hell are you, bruh?

You're the one that called us half hour ago.

You said to come and get you.

What are you talkin' about, Baldy?

I didn't call anybody.

Oh, come on now, Tammy.

You escaped from the mental hospital

and now we're taking you back.

Wait a minute. Hold on. Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me Tammy's been in a mental hospital?

What? Y'all got it all wrong.

See, first of all, I'm not Tammy, I'm her cousin Pam.

Right. And I'm Cousin Ned.

I'm your Uncle Fester.

You can change your hair, but you can't fool us.

Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Hold on. Hold on.

I said Tammy is in the kitchen.

Sure she is. I bet you tap dance with Sammy Davis Jr..

Come on, Tammy.

- Let's go. - Wait a minute. Go where?

She's in the kitchen. Y'all got the wrong girl.

Tammy! I said Tammy.

'Get off me!'

Oh, yeah.

I can't wait to get my party.

Ohh.

Get off of me.

Right. I was getting ready for my party, right?

And then, my cousin Tammy has showed up, right?

And she was telling me that she was model and that stuff.

'And then, she went in to get a drink, right? '

And then, um..

I'm telling y'all my name is Pamela James

and I live in Herbie Hancock Park

and I was framed.

By my cousin Tammy.

This multiple personality thing is new.

Yeah, she's worse now than before she escaped.

- Mm-hmm. - Escaped? What?

Oh, it's that time again.

Time for what, lady?

It's time for your shots.

I don't need no shot.

'Oh, damn!'

Ouch!

Ouch!

Hook down. Over there!

Over there!

Dang. This party is off the hook.

Ah. What's up with Pam on the dance floor?

Hey, yo, Pam, what youse doing out there?

- The Wackaraina? - Hey, hun.

Hows about showing Big Tom a few of those moves, baby?

- Hold on. Hold on. - Hey.

Umm. Sorry, Baldy.

The word on, uh, Krypton is, uh..

...you ain't got no job.

- What? - Besides..

I like my men, uh, short

fine and employed.

Like him.

Excuse me.

How about this dance, Denzel?

Pam, you must be out your damn mind.

You know damn well I don't dance with no kangaroos.

No, no. No.

Don't be sweating him, Sugarfoot.

Come dance with Bowlegged Lou.

Yike!

- Tommy. - Yeah?

- What's wrong, man? - I don't know man.

Pam buggers. She act like she don't even know me.

Well, Tommy, that's what you get for messing around

with nature, man. I told you. Look..

God created Adam and Eve.

- Not Adam and Weave, man. - I don't know, Martin.

I'mma-I'mma have to agree with Tommy on this one, man.

- Pam is definitely trippin'. - I-I think so, too.

I mean Martin doesn't look anything like Denzel.

You, you know what, I can't lie.

In all the years I've known Pam

this is the first time her breath wasn't humming

like bad chilies.

Wild kingdom.

Martin, Martin, is that you?

Yeah. Who's this?

It's Pam.

Pam?

Hold up.

How can I be talking to Quasimoto

and looking at Quasimoto at the same time?

No, Martin that's my crazy cousin Tammy.

She just escaped from Civil Sinai Hospital

and set me up. Now, she's partying in my house and..

...I'm stuck in the nuthouse.

Well, lady it sounds like you in the right place.

Shut it up, OJ Shrimpson. Now is not the time.

Now put those plunges you call ears

to the phone and listen up.

Damn, it's really you, Pam.

Of course it's me.

But if you don't get me outta here..

...they gonna get me a lobotomy.

La Bamba?

Yo, that was my jam.

No, not La Bamba.

They about to take out my brain, fool.

Well, I ain't got a problem with that.

Oh, come on, Martin. Stop playing.

I need your help.

You're all I got.

Oh, snap, here comes the nurse.

Pam's in trouble, man.

You ain't lying. That bunny hop played out years ago.

Nah, nah, that ain't Pam, man. That's her cousin Tammy.

Tammy? Well, where's Pam?

She-She just called and said she was on lockdown

at Civil Sinai.

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

Now it's making sense to me.

Pam told me she has a cousin who looks exactly like her.

'She said she was eccentric.'

Eccentric? That means she crazy.

'Shh, shh. Here she comes.'

So, uh..

Still won't give me that dance, Denzel?

First of all, I ain't Denzel.

And you ain't Pam, Tammy.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

I'm not going back.

You can't make me go back.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Tommy, man, look, grab her, man.

Hell no. I ain't grabbin' her! You grab her.

- Cole. Cole, go you grab her. - Man, please.

Crazy people know how to fight.

- Shanise, hella! - Go ahead, Shanise.

- You can do it. - Hello? Scotty.

Scotty. Scotty.

C-C-Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk.

My turn. Captain Kirk.

Oh, he's not answering.

It must be broken.

You broke it.

She broke my terminator!

That'd be one to beam up, Scotty.

Scotty? Scotty!

And you actually expect me to believe that story?

Hell yeah.

I'm telling you the patient back there

is Pam not Tammy.

In that case, where is Tammy?

Well, she was back a-a-at the house.

Uh, slow dancing with Bowlegged Lou

then she rolled out.

Who is Bowlegged Lou?

How am I supposed to know, lady?

It's-it's not my party.

If you can't prove your allegations

then there's nothing I can do about it.

O-okay. Okay, ma'am.

Look, can we at least talk to her?

Sure you could, if you were a family member.

Or a doctor. But you're not.

So ya can't.

Alright. You don't have to give the attitude.

Oh, look out, Jerry. Look out.

Hey-hey, man. This hospital the bomb, yo.

I mean, you can watch TV all day

and I can eat all the ice cream I want.

Everyone here is so nice, Martin.

I mean, we just met them. They're just like our family.

Why ain't I surprised? I don't know, man.

You know what, man, we can't let Pam go like this, man.

Yeah, Tommy, I know that. But..

- You know what, Tommy? - What?

I got an idea. Just flow with me.

- Alright. - Okay.

Uh, ahem! Excuse me, nurse.

I'm here to examine the patient.

- Sure. - 'Yeah.'

Okay, which one?

Ahh. Tammy.

The one with the fake hair, foul-breath

and-and funky attitude?

- That would be her. - Yeah.

I've never seen you on my shift.

- No? - You must be a new resident.

Yeah, yeah. I-I-I'm new in the neighborhood.

Hi, I'm Dr. Jay.

- Dr. Jay. - Yeah. How you doin'?

I think I've heard of you.

I'm Nurse Yung.

Hello, Nurse Yung.

- I'll go get the patient. - Alright.

I'll go get the patient.

You know, Cole, Pam didn't tell us

Abraham Lincoln lived here.

Pam don't know. She don't know.

Oh, look, "Sesame Street's" on.

- Oh, snap. - That's my favorite.

Heyo, heyo, was Big Bird a boy or a girl?

- You know, hey-- - Please, nurse.

- No more medications. - It's okay.

Here she is, doctor.

We had to restrain her

after she just took out an orderly.

I never thought I'd be so happy

to see the smallest man in the world.

Yeah, well, that's funky comin'

from the ugliest woman in the world.

Here's the chart.

Where would you like to do the examination?

Examination?

I'll- I'll.. D-doc.

Why don't we, umm, use the stethoscope, Dr. Jay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Ah, okay, patient..

Hold on as the doctor tries to get you out. Shut your mouth.

Not unless the doctor wants to lose his head.

- Are you crazy? - Will you stop it?

Doctor, should I call the orderly?

No, no, that-that's not necessary.

What we need to do is to move her to a more secure facility.

Or game reserve.

Here, Tammy. Yeah, there we go.

- Come on, let's go. - Alright.

We're just about to get outta here.

Ah. Look here, Dumb and Dumber.

We-we gots to roll. Let's be out.

Ma people. One, two, three.

Thank you very much.

Shush. Shush.

Go. Go. Go.

Hold it. They're not doctors.

They're trying to bust Tammy outta here.

- Lock 'em up. - Alright.

You know what, I hope y'all got emergency room

'cause if y'all try to stop us, we taking you out.

Whoa, hold it.

Hello? Tammy.

I don't like it out here.

Everybody I talked to says Elvis is dead.

They're all crazy.

Hold on, Tammy, tell Nurse Yung where you are

and we'll come and get you.

'Kay.

Guess there's been a bit of a misunderstanding here.

It's okay.

It's fine, things like this happen.

I just hope you don't misunderstand

what I'm gonna do to you when I get out of this jacket.

- Pam! - Okay, hold on.

- You don't know she put me-- - I know. Just calm down.

This is almost over, okay? Just relax, alright?

- Here let me help. - Martin, I'm so happy.

Y-y-you really looked out for a sister.

Hey, yeah, well, it ain't no big thing.

Ain't the first time I saved you from a dog catcher.

It's hot.

Oh, man.

What the hell?

Who messed up my apartment?

Shoot. Looking like somebody threw down up in here.

Ugh. No. It's more like somebody threw up up in here.

Tommy. Tommy. Slowly my nerves are going.

- My nerves are shot, Tommy. - A-alright, Pam, don't worry.

We're gonna help you clean up, alright?

Uh-huh.

I'll help you as long as I can

but a brother gettin' sleepy.

Cole, you been drinking?

Nah, man. I don't drink.

Nurse Froyd gave me a shot in the ass.

Brother feeling lovely.

Okay. Okay, I-I'll tell you what.

Why don't you guys go in the kitchen

and wash some dishes, okay?

- Good idea. - Can you wash dishes?

- Come on, baby. - What?

- What? - Let's go wash the dishes.

Oh, you don't wanna wash the dishes.

I know what you wanna do.

Tommy, um, I'm just gonna

get out of these hospital clothes.

Okay, alright. I'll-I'll be in here.

Getting started up in here.

Hi!

Hey!

Hey, how did you get dressed so quick?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Pam.

How come you put on your party clothes to clean up?

Clean up? Unh-unh.

The party ain't over.

What?

Come on. Let's get our boogie.

Ohh!

Hey, ey-ey!

Ow, ow. Pam, what're you doing?

Uh, P-Pam.

Oh, no, no, no.

Tommy, why do you have the music so loud?

Tammy?

Oh, my damn!

Y'all look like bookends.

Wait, y-y.. T-Tammy?

No, I'm Pam.

No, I'm Pam.

- No. I'm Pam. - Okay, okay guys.

I don't know. Now y'all look identical.

Not for long.

Ah, I-I'm sorry, I-I just wanted to have a little fun that's all.

I think I'll go to the hospital now.

Oh, you going back to the hospital

but you going in a ambulance.

First of all, I ain't Denzel. And you ain't Tammy, Pam.

Am I Pam or am I Tammy?

You're not.. You're not Tammy, Pam.

No.

You're not Pam, Tammy.

You ain't Pam, Tammy.

Dammit, you ain't Pam, Tammy.

'Cause it smells like country lion safari..

Lion Country Safari up in here.