Original subtitles

Come on. Come on, Gina, you can do it.

Come on. Come on, Gina!

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Yes! Alright!

Whoo! Yeah, t-that's a workout.

- That's a workout. - That's a workout.

How'd I-how'd I do, Pam? How'd I do?

Well, if you do one more, that would make two.

- Stay down. Gina, no, wait-- - No.

- Get off, get off. - You can't do this.

- 'You got to do this set.' - No.

Car's all done now, ladies. Car's all done.

So, so that was really fast, Elroy.

Yeah. Well, I work fast, ma'am--

D-did you find out what's wrong with my car?

Well, ma'am, uh, y-y-your gaskets were leaking.

Your front-end alignment was outta alignment.

And, uh, uh, your turbo blew up, ma'am

is what, from what I discovered looking at it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Elroy.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't have a turbo.

Well, you do now, ma'am.

All that, all that turbo you got there

some whip there, ma'am, real quick.

Ooh, you got turbo now. Ooh!

Elroy, that was pretty fast. How'd you do that in 20 minutes?

Well, I like to work fast, ma'am.

I don't believe in really holding up people's property.

I like to get 'em in, and get 'em out of there.

You know? But, uh, but I guess..

I guess, ma'am, if you really wanna know the truth

I guess Gladys Knight and the Pips once said it best.

- No, no, that's alright. - Please don't--

Why did you ask him?

Thank you, Elroy.

Help me out, background. Sing!

Background, sing!

Elroy, this is not "Star Search."

- Thank you! - Just give me my keys!

- Please! - Do the people want a song?

No, the people.. No. Come on, please--

Okay, okay. Well, ma'am, I..

If you and your little friend here

don't wanna back me up, ma'am

that's gonna cost you $7,000, ma'am.

- What? - $7,000, ma'am.

Are you gonna back me up or not?

- Ma'am, back me up. - I'm not backing him up!

- Do the people want a song? - You gotta get your keys.

I said, do the people want the song?

- Yes. Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

Alright.

- Wonderful, wonderful. - Do the people like the song?

- Do the people like the song? - Yes, the people like the song.

Do the people like the song?

Gina, how much longer do you have to be in LA?

Hmm, girl, two more weeks.

Girl, you should come and hang out with me

get a tan like me.

- Lay up. Mm! - A tan?

Well, what kind of sun blocker are you using? A blanket?

Shut up, Pam. I got a tan.

Where? I mean, I just don't see it.

Whatever, girl, whatever!

Anyway, you should see how I set up

that new LA office, girl. It's the bomb.

Gina, I'm so proud of you, girl.

Uh-oh.

That's Martin, he's taking me to the airport, girl.

How many phone books did he have to sit on

to reach the steering wheel?

Well, it's just a little jokey-joke for the road.

- That wasn't funny. - It was. It was hilarious.

Anyway, I'm really sorry I can't make your birthday dinner

but I guess I'm gonna have to give you your present now.

- Give my gift. Give my gift. - Wait a minute.

- Give my gift. - Here.

- Give me, give me. - You're gonna love it.

A half-eaten French fry. What the hell is up with that?

Hold on, let me explain, scenario.

LA, I was at Hoochie Burger

when I smack dab into Denzel gettin' his grub on.

Denzel, who? I know you not talking about my Denzel.

Yes, girl, yes! I swoop-jacked it mid-bite.

- I was here. - He was there?

Pauletta was following me with the kids.

- They were running after me. - Yeah, yup.

Gina, I knew I recognized those bite marks.

Oh, Gina, thank you so much.

You know, I'mma have it bronzed and I'mma wear around my neck.

- I cannot wait. - Okay!

- Yeah, baby. - 'Hurry up, Gina.'

- 'You got a plane to catch.' - Alright, I'll be right there.

Girl, I gotta go. You know he don't like to rush.

Oh, come on, don't let Marty Mouse rush you.

- Shut up. - 'I heard that, Yosemite Pam.'

You shouldn't mess with him, Pam.

You know what? You know what?

He's gotta grow. He's gotta grow.

You know what? That's never gonna happen.

My baby, I know you was thinking about me.

Here, lay right there. Mommy will be right back.

- Surprise! Surprise! - Surprise!

Hey! Oh, uh, what is all of this?

- Oh, happy birthday, Pam. - Happy birthday.

- Oh, thank you. - Happy birthday, Pam.

Thanks, Cole.

Happy birthday, Pam. Happy birthday, Pam.

- Oh, get him off of me. - Stop it.

I got older, not desperate.

One day when you are old, and desperate

you're gonna wish you had somebody warm and thick

like me to hold on to.

Well, when the time comes, I'll call Alfonso Ribeiro.

Let me see what you got.

Hey!

You got me a computer!

I can't believe you spent all this m..

Hold up, hold up.

What I gotta do for that?

Now that you bring that up, girl, I've always wanted--

Shut up.

Okay, okay, j-just look at this as a happy birthday

slash don't expect anything for Christmas gift, alright?

This is so nice.

Oh, you know what? I got a great deal on it from my job.

You gonna ruin it?

- What? - You just ruined it.

It's hot!

Tommy, everybody knows you ain't got no job.

No, Pam, it's not hot. Look, where you want me to set it up?

Just set it on the table over there.

- Don't drop it. - Alright, alright.

Mm!

Anybody want this?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Stop playin', boy!

This is Denzel's French fry.

Come on, baby, I'mma put you in the bed where you belong

right next to my bed.

What-what-what's going on?

I don't know, but I'll tell you what

if she talked to me like that, she can put

that French fry down.

- Hey. - Good afternoon.

My name is Detective Johnson.

And this is my partner, Detective Hippy.

Um, hey, hey, look here. I don't..

I don't know nothing about no stolen computers, man.

Alright? Alright. He-he did it.

- What? - He. Yeah, him, him!

This one without the job did it. Okay?

Hell, I don't even know him.

Hell, I don't even know where I am right now.

Shut up, alright?

Um, look, look, officers. How can I help you?

We're looking for a Ms. Pamela James.

Oh, oh, no, no, officer. Un-uh.

Uh, Pamela James isn't here. She's out on the fire escape.

I said, she's out on the fire escape!

Pamela, don't! Don't come in here!

- The cops is coming to get you. - Why you do that, man--

What is all this yelling about? What is wrong with him?

- Hey, girl. - Hello.

My name is Detective Johnson.

- And you are? - Ooh..

Whoever you want me to be.

Um, um, this is Pamela James.

- Ms. James. - No, no, no, no.

Please, please, call me Pam.

Pam, we had a tip on a perp in the vicinity

and we need to commandeer your domicile

to surveil said perp.

We wanna use your crib for a stake-out.

Oh!

- Oh, okay, stake-out. - Oh, okay.

We got a tip that Dynamite Willie's hiding out

across the street.

He's considered armed and dangerous.

Oh. So, um, Detective Johnson.

Please call me Carl.

Carl, um, how long do you think all of this will take?

Well, it could take anywhere from a few hours

to a few months.

Well, as far as I'm concerned

we can make it last forever.

Will you stop?

Ooh!

You know how to work all this equipment and sing, too?

Sound like he beggin' to me.

My mama once told me a long time ago

she said, "Son, anything worth having

is worth beggin' for."

And when it comes to beggin', baby

nobody does it better than me.

Man, please! Pam, will you let this boy

go ahead and do what he gotta do

so he can get the hell on out of here?

You know, t-that reminds me of the time

we were on that 2-11 back in '87.

Yeah, yeah, I whipped out my .44.

Well, I thought I was gonna have to commit a 187.

Luckily, I was in my K-9 unit.

My four-legged partner apprehended the suspect.

- The dog caught the bad guy. - Yeah.

Oh!

Hippy, go check on the coffee.

Yeah, 10-4.

Ooh, can I see?

I can't see anything.

Oh, let me show you how to work it.

Ooh. I can see everything now.

- This is a big one. - Yeah.

Biggest one in the department.

Oh, I've seen bigger now.

Come on, y'all, this is getting out of hand.

- Hey, whoa, whoa, what? - What's going on?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.. - I didn't. Tommy did it.

Get away from that.

Well, what's that sound?

Feedback from the tape recorder.

Electronic devices were planted in order to ascertain

audio evidence of said perp.

We bugged the joint.

Oh!

Well, check this out. Look.

We got some deconfident bugs.

Man, d-don't listen to him. He..

Now, y'all are gonna have to back out. We got work to do.

Except for you, Pam, just stand right by me.

Oh, well, well, look here, bruh.

She ain't gonna be able to stand there too long.

See, as soon as my buddy gets here

we-we gonna be going out to dinner.

- Ouch. - Stop it.

Um, it is my birthday.

Oh, uh, happy birthday.

How old are you, uh, 21?

Oh, sure.

- Oh, look, there's the perp. - Where? Where?

- I don't see anyone. - My bad.

- Seriously, why you-- - Don't.

Alright, I'm coming.

Ugh! What do you want?

I want you to get out of my face.

Now, what the hell is going on up in here.

Oh, these, um, detectives

are using my apartment for a stake-out.

Stake-out?

- Hmm. - Don't you mean "stank out?"

Now that's funny.

Whatever!

Aren't you supposed to be in the Mini Man March?

And aren't you supposed to be at "Jurassic Park?"

Why do you always have to come to my house--

I know you're not talking about this fine

Nubian princess here.

Nubian what?

Oh, I know ain't talking about my man over here.

Shut up, Martin!

Alright, alright, Pam, look.

- Playin' all the time. - Pam, happy birthday.

Don't say I ain't never gave you nothing.

Better have got me a gift.

- It's a gift certificate. - Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

For a lifetime supply of Tic Tacs, Martin?

Right, right, and you might wanna redeem

that as soon as possible.

- You're so dumb sometimes. - Hey, I know you know.

Trying to be funny.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, yeah, hold on for a minute.

- It's for you, Carl. - Oh, thank you.

No problem. Any time.

Johnson here.

Yes, sir.

We're on our way. Yo, Hip, we gotta go.

We got a hostage situation downtown.

Dynamite Willie will just have to wait.

- Let's go. - Alright.

Well, bye, Carl.

Dynamite Willie? That's who they looking for?

- Yep. So what? - What you mean, so what?

Man, there's a $100,000 reward for his arrest.

A 100 grand? Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch out.

That's right, man. Don't y'all..

Don't y'all watch "America's Most Wanted," man?

If we catch Dynamite Willie, we're gonna get broke off!

Now, hold up, hold up.

Broke off nothing. What about my birthday dinner?

Now, now, see, I'm confused.

Alright, now, now, now, do you celebrate the day

the egg was laid or the day it was hatched?

- That's all. I mean.. - Shut up, Martin.

You're so stupid. I'll just take myself to dinner.

Y'all sit here and listen to Martin if y'all want to.

Well, good, that's one less brother

we got to split the reward money with.

Cole, come over here and check out the telescope, man.

- Okay. - Alright.

Here, watch that. Keep an eye on him.

Cole, Cole, Cole, Cole, look what you did!

- Man, will you fix it? Stupid. - Alright, I'm sorry.

Just..

Yo, yo, I got something. Yo, I got something.

Man, what? Cole, what you got?

- What? - The-the lights just came on.

Where, Cole? In your head?

No, no, in the apartment across the street.

Somebody just came in. Look, look, look.

- Let me see that. - I don't see it, man.

Oh, shoot.

Y'all know what this mean?

We about to be broke off.

I say..

Have you seen anybody yet?

No, not yet.

- Cole. - Yeah.

Come over here and look through the telescope.

When you see Dynamite Willie, holler, okay?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Martin, I w-I was thinking, man

you know, this is Pam's apartment.

I think we should cut her in on the money.

Well, Tommy, since you're such an animal lover

you can give her a cut of your $50.

$50?

Yes, Tommy. Look, man, it was my idea.

I'm the brains behind the operation, man.

Come on, Martin, you know that's not fair.

Neither is being a black man in America

but you gotta move on.

- You know what-- - Yo, yo, y'all.

Yo, I see somebody.

- I see somebody. Come here. - Where? Where?

Yo, yo, he's right, I'm calling the cops.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's him alright.

- Hello. - Martin.

What are you still doing at Pam's?

- I thought you'd be-- - Gina, not now, baby.

Look, I gotta call the cops.

Cops? Martin, what'd you do this time?

Gina, I didn't do nothing, baby. It's not about me.

It's about Pam and Dynamite Willie.

Alright, I'm confused, who's Dynamite Willie?

He's a criminal, Gina.

See, I told Pam about messing with those roughnecks

when she gonna start listening to me.

Well, try speaking goat next time.

Look, I got to go, baby. Alright.

Hey, hello. One time.

Yeah, yeah, look. We got Dynamite Willie.

Get over here as-as quick as possible.

What'd you mean, you gotta make a quick pick up first, man?

We got donuts here, man.

Hey. Hey. Tell him don't forget the loo.

Uh, don't forget the loo.

Yeah, yeah, I gotta go, alright, okay.

Alright. Alright, alright, what's he doing now, Cole?

Alright, n-now he's..

He's going into the kitchen.

Right. He's opening the refrigerator.

Taking out some whipped cream and he's headed to the bedroom.

Uh-oh. You know what, Martin? I heard, I heard that, um

that Dynamite Willie has robbed over 30 banks, man.

You see.. You see, that's the problem

with people today, man. Keeping their money in banks.

I spend all my money.

That way my mind is free.

Hey, somebody else just came into the apartment.

Oh, it must be the accomplice.

That's a woman.

And she.. She looks like Ms. Geri.

Ms. Geri?

Oh, snap.

That is Ms. Geri.

What the hell is she doing, man?

She's..

She's taking her clothes off right now.

Yeah, yeah, now, ooh, ooh

they didn't cheap out.

- Right. Right. - Oh, yeah.

I'mma, I'mma be sick.

Martin. Martin, c-come on, man.

You act like you've never seen a naked body before.

Tommy.

What I saw clinging to Ms. Geri bones

can't be considered a body.

It was more like a slinky with skin on it.

Well..

You don't have to worry about that now.

She's gone, Martin.

Hey, Cole, what's he doing now?

Okay, now he's..

- What? - He pointing at us.

- What? - Yeah.

Let me see that, Cole.

- He ain't pointing at us, fool. - What he doing?

He's giving us the finger, man.

Now he's walking out the front door.

Okay. Okay, we.. I-I bet he's on his way over here.

I'm out. I'll see y'all later.

Hey, hey, Tommy, hold up, man.

The cops will be here in a minute.

You said that a half hour ago.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Martin, you're right, man.

I don't believe I was trippin'.

How will he know what apartment we in?

That's him.

- We're gonna die. - Cole, shut up!

Tommy, Tommy, cut the lights off. We're gonna jump.

We'll jump. Go over there.

- Why is this.. - Alright, I got him.

Turn the lights on. I got him. I got him.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't hit him. It's-it's Pam.

That ain't no damn Pam. That's the Boogeyman.

Well, just get him the hell outta here.

Pam, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

We thought that you were Dynamite Willie.

Tommy, do I look like a man to you?

Yup.

Boy, oh, boy.

Glad that's over.

We're gonna die!

- Pam, hand me that blanket. - Martin, you know what?

You make me sick. All this is your fault.

Look, look, y'all chill, okay?

Uh, um, when he comes in, we're gonna jump him.

Alright, Pam, you just lockjaw him, okay.

You guys better be quiet. Let's go.

- Here he comes. - Here we go.

Who the hell do you think you're messing with?

What's going on here?

What's going on here?

What'd you think's going on here, man?

- We caught Dynamite Willie. - Yeah.

- Now show me the money. - That's impossible.

We picked Dynamite Willie up 20 minutes ago.

Then wh-who this?

I saw you Peeping Toms.

You were peeking in my apartment

when I was trying to get my freak on.

Hold on, Mr. Old Man.

Ain't no, ain't nobody no Peeping Tom, man.

And what I saw down there blinded me.

Oh, you clowns aren't even looking in the right apartment.

Somebody moved the telescope.

Go figure.

M-my bad.

It's about to be my bad.

I'm gonna beat the tarnation out of all of you.

- Oh, Lord, he got a gun. Run! - Run!

Don't you run from this old-fashioned ass whooping.

Alright, alright, go get it.

Boom. Boom. Right here. See.

See, Tommy, I knew I left 'em here, man.

Yo, I'd have been straight up locked out of the house.

W-wait, since when you need a key to open up a cardboard box?

Very funny.

Speaking of keys, what you still doing

with the keys to Pam's apartment, huh?

- These.. - Well, these..

Oh, well, alright..

Alright, I'mma tell you, Cole.

I never return 'em from..

you know back when we were kickin' it.

You the man.

Okay, look, look, how was it, how was--

Shut up, man, you got the keys.

- Let's get out of here. - Alright.

Oh, yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on.

- Somebody hit me up. - Okay, hurry up, Cole.

- We gotta leave, man. - Alright.

I'm gonna return this real quick.

- Hold on, man. - 'Alright.'

Yo, what up? Somebody page Cole.

Hey, hey, what's up, girl?

Yeah, yeah, you know I was checking you out.

You know that.

Huh? Say what?

Oh, you want.. You want me to come over?

Right now?

Alright, no diggity. Let me-let me ditch my partner.

I'll be right there.

Sure enough. Alright.

Ooh, so, it's like that, huh? Got that booty call.

About to roll on over to Shaunice's crib, yeah?

Oh, n-no. This ain't got nothing to do with Shaunice, man.

- I'll catch you tomorrow. - Oh, wait, wait. Cole? Cole?

If that wasn't Shaunice, then who was it?

M-ms. Geri.

Not Ms. Geri Ms. Geri.

You better believe it.

Ugh! What are you doing here?

I want you to get out of my face.

That's what I'm doing here

to tell you to get out of my face.

- 'Get it--' - Sorry. I'm sorry.

I was gonna wing it anyway.

What's he d-doin' now, Cole?

It's a woman, and she look like sh..

Oh, snap, man, that is Ms. Geri..

One fast look at that one? Hold on.

Ready?