Original subtitles

Check out his laugh, though.

- Mr. Ed is wild. - Mr. Ed is the bomb, shoot!

Hey, but, you know--

Horse is a horse is a horse of course.

Hey, but look, look for real man you know what I was wonderin'

but don't tell nobody, okay?

Was wonderin' if a horse can really talk like that.

You talk to Pam, don't you?

- Yeah. - Case closed.

What you all talkin' about?

- Hey! - What up, Tommy?

Hey, 'sup, Big Tom?

Comin' up in here lookin' like a bald-head penguin.

Yeah, right.

Oh, you know what, I need to borrow your gold cufflinks.

Pam and I are going to a black-tie dinner for my job.

Alright, so in other words

you're all dressed up with no place to go.

Aha-ha-ha.

Come on, man. She's gon' be here in a minute.

Can I borrow the cufflinks or what?

Alright, I'mma let you borrow my cufflinks, but..

...y'all gotta close your eyes I..

...can't show you where I keep my valuables.

Wait, what're you talkin' about?

Are you serious? Man!

Don't play us like a bunch of stick-up kids.

- Come on. - No, man. We boys, man.

Close your eyes.

Alright.

Alright, y'all seen that.

Alright, y'all seen my secret hiding place, huh?

- Now I'mma have to cut you. - Man, come on, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, give me the cufflinks, please.

Alright, man.

- Hey, Cole. - Huh?

- Hold this, alright? - Alright.

Hey, Tommy man. Take care of my cufflinks, man.

- Let me have these two. - Alright, but take care of 'em.

I'm tellin' you, they're valuable.

- Thank you. - Hey, yo, yo, yo.

What's this? This looks important, man.

What's this?

Oh, that's, uh, my marriage license, Cole.

L-look, look, I know I didn't make it to your weddin', man

but, uh, Gina was the bride, right?

You figure that all out by yourself?

Yeah, um, and Pam was supposed to be the witness, right?

Cole, what is the problem, man?

Well, look, look, look, the problem is right here, man

Gina signed w-where the witness was supposed to sign

and Pam signed where the bride was supposed to sign.

Let me see this.

Alright. So-so-so they signed in the wrong place.

What's the big deal?

Well, Martin, the big deal is

according to this document

you and Pam are husband and wife.

Dawg.

Yo, this can't be right. There must be a typo.

No, no, Martin, man, it's right here in black and yellow, man

you are legally married to Pam.

Congratulations, Martin.

Man, please. Can't no man be married to no donkey.

Oh, that would be your donk..

I mean y-your wife now.

Ohh.

What are you fools laughin' at?

Hey, hey, Martin y-y-you want me to tell her?

Ain't nothin' to tell, Tommy.

I don't know, man, under these circumstances

I really think she should know. Excuse me.

Can I see this? Thank you. I'll give it back when done.

U-uh, Pam, this here..

i-is Martin and Gina's marriage license.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

But l-look where you signed.

Now look where Gina signed.

Ouch!

Wait!

W-wh... i-i-it's just a simple mistake.

You know what I'm sayin'? It could easily be erased.

- No, no, no. - Give me an eraser!

- Pam, Pam, come on, now. - Just give me an eraser.

- I need an eraser. - Pam! Pamela!

Hey, relax sweetheart. It is written in pen, okay?

Anyway, you can't mess with a legal document.

Oh, please, please don't tell me

this means what I think it means.

Oh.

Please.

Let me explain this to you in Ebonics.

You be married to Martin.

I wonder how Gina's gonna take this.

Probably the same way Pam took it.

No she's not.

'Cause Gina ain't gon' know about it.

Marin, she's bound to find out once Pam moves in.

Shut up, Cole.

Alright, Gina's under enough pressure settin' up

the office in LA.

So, what you gon' do?

I'mma get this marriage license changed

'cause if Gina finds out, man,

my baby might not never come back.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, come on.

I-I just, I just wanna wish you luck, okay.

No, no, I'mma go, I'mma go now

and wake up your-your wife.

Pam. Pam, baby, come on.

Pam. Oh, Pam!

Man, let me try. I'll wake her up.

Uh... Scooby?

Gravy train.

Uh, chuck wagon.

Snausages.

'Oh, look, see, she's movin' on Snausages, see?'

- Hey, Cole? - Yeah.

Wanna go to a black-tie dinner?

Sure. But Tommy, I-I can't fit that dress.

Pam, I found you some aspirin, maybe..

Pam?

Where'd she go?

Oh, my, oh, my God.

Hey, Pam! What're you doin' out here?

- I'mma jump, Tommy. - What?

I can't live another second being Mrs. Martin Payne.

Come on, come on, Pam. Come on, sweetheart.

Don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

No!

Imagine if you were married to Martin.

Tommy, forget it!

There's nothing that you can say to me

that can make me change my mind.

Hey, Pam.

Denzel?

Huh? Ah, Denzel.

No, no, no.

It ain't gon' work this time.

'Cause this situation is critical.

Okay, okay, okay, come on, Pam, you can't jump, alright?

Pam. Look, hey, hey, hey, hey, Pam.

What about that new hairpiece, huh?

You just bought that. The hairpiece, Pam, come on.

Huh?

Yeah..

I-I-I did pay a grip for this sucker.

Yeah, you did.

And you know, i-it's real authentic hair, too.

I can tell that, Pam, and it's lovely, honey.

It's absolutely beautiful, so come on in here

so we can talk about it

and you can stop acting crazy, come on.

- Alright. - Alright?

- That's a girl. - But it's only for my hair.

I know. Now, now come on, you and your hair.

Come on in here. Oh, watch your hair.

There we go. There we go. There we go.

- Watch my stockings. - I got you, baby.

- Don't rip 'em. - You're fine.

Lord knows you're fine. Oh, come on.

- Over here. Sit down. - I think I'm sick.

No, no, no. You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be okay. Just sit over here and relax.

- Okay. Okay. - Get comfortable.

- There you go. Don't worry. - Okay.

Alright, good. Martin went down for the license viewer.

He's gonna get all this mess all straightened out

and it'll be over before you know it, okay?

You sure everything's gonna be okay, Tommy?

No, no, big daddy's positive.

- Okay? - Okay.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Just fine...unless of course, you know

Martin wants you to perform your wifely duties.

- I'm out! I'm out! - No, no, no, no.

Come on, Pam. Hey, hey, relax!

Alright?

Look, Pam... Come on, now.

You gonna have to cut this out and just relax

and calm down, alright?

Tommy, just imagine.

Me, Pamela James

being married to... to..

Hey, come on, come on, come on.

- What? - Come on, you're gonna choke.

It's alright. It's okay.

It's alright.

You know, Pam..

...I really don't have to imagine

you being married to Martin, 'cause..

...you are married to Martin.

No, no, I didn't mean that.

This don't make no damn sense.

Six weeks to change a marriage license?

Man, I got the draws faster than that.

Well, that's what you get for gettin' married

on that island in the first place, man.

But six weeks, Cole?

Man, Pam could've had 101 Dalmatians by then, man.

Alright, Martin, look, just stop, just stop, alright?

Just chill out and try not to think about it, okay?

Oh, I'm trying, Cole.

But I'm married to Pam. I can't believe it!

As I dream on..

- Martin, is that you? - Yeah, Pam.

Oh, I'm so happy my husband is home.

I'm happy to be home.

- Hi, baby. - Hey.

Can you do me a little favor and give me a hand?

Yeah, anything for you, baby. What's that?

Thank you, boo.

Could you help me shave my back?

- Martin. - Cole.

Pa-pack your stuff. We're gettin' out of here.

Uh, okay, well where are we goin'?

Back to the island. I'm gettin' out of this marriage now.

'Tommy, are you sure this is the island where Martin and Gina

'got married, 'cause it don't look familiar.'

'That's cause you were never here, fool.'

'You missed the wedding.'

'Alright, watch yourself. Be careful.'

- Girl, go put some clothes on. - How you doin', sweetheart?

Aloha.

Wait a minute, wait a minute

this don't hardly look like no courthouse.

Wait a minute, according to the map, this is..

Yeah, this is definitely the place.

Yeah, well, let's hurry up and find this judge

so we can get outta here.

And I could free Willy May.

- Hello, ladies. - Hi, how are you doin'?

- Gesundheit. Yeah. - Mm-mm-mm!

Nothin' like a couple of healthy island girls.

- Excuse me, y'all. - Oh, I'mma go with Cole.

Keep him out of trouble, you know?

Just relax.

You tell him to watch himself.

- You watch yourself, okay? - No, you watch yourself.

I'm tryin' to get this marriage annulled.

All rise.

For the right Reverend Justice

Leon Lonnie Love.

Here comes the judge.

Pam, ain't that your crooked back-slidin'

go sell it on the mountain cousin?

'Yeah, but he ain't no judge.'

- He's a Reverend. - No, I got news for you.

He ain't no Reverend either.

Yeah, the last time I saw Lonnie was when county jail

accidentally let him out.

Accidentally let him out? He escaped.

- I saw it on "Cops." - Really?

- Who's first? - Mr. and Mrs. Ho, Your Honor.

Now, it says here

that you think that Mrs. Ho has been unfaithful.

What makes you say that?

Because she said, "Harry, I've been unfaithful."

I see. Do you still love your husband?

Oh, with all my heart, Your Honor.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello.

Hi, baby.

Oh, later tonight is good.

Okay, see you then, boo-boo.

What? That was my sister.

Sister my ass! That's another one of her boyfriends.

Wait, wait, wait hold on, now. Hold on, Mr. Ho.

Now, although she may have dipped her toe

in the river of sin, there's no reason

to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Divorce denied.

You can pay my girl your court cost as you leave.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

That Ho sure look good to me.

Get thee behind me, Satan!

Next case.

- Over with it, please. - Leon Lonnie Love.

You ain't changed a bit, man.

Is that my kissin' cousin on my mama's side thrice removed?

Yes, it's me. What're you up to this time, Lonnie?

Girl, all I know is that the Lord done grabbed ahold of me

and shook me like a tree.

And the Reverend Leon Lonnie Love turned over a new leaf.

Besides, they ain't got no expedition law.

And the native let me be a judge. Ha!

Look here, Lonnie, we got a little problem,

a little situation we need you to help us get out of, alright?

Oh, whoa, wait, wait, you decided not to marry

that big-headed girl?

Nah, man, I did marry the big-headed girl.

Oh, no, no, no, no, see, it say here that you're married to Pam.

- That's the problem, man. - Oh, ain't no problem.

- Welcome to the family, cuz. - Whoa, hey! Hold up, no!

Slow your roll, Lonnie. See the marriage license is wrong.

See, me and Gina signed in the wrong places.

All we need you to do is change it.

Oh, I'm sorry, cousin, I can't do nothin' for you there.

See, what the Lord has brought together

can no man put aside.

- Martin tell him. - Man, man.

Man, you don't change this marriage license

I'mma put you six feet under, man.

Well, I'm sorry, my brother

but I answer to a higher power.

Okay. Alright, alright. Okay.

How high are we talkin, huh?

Huh, Leon Lonnie Love, huh?

Talking Grant, Franklin.

Huh, what we talkin'?

Well, now, if I was still livin' that foul life

I'd be talkin' Franklin. But I'm not.

Oh, now, come on, cuz.

This is... You gotta help us out, this was all a mistake.

Oh, no, no, no. Lord don't make no mistakes.

- Request denied. - What?

Lunch time.

You better do somethin' about this.

Man, man..

Can you bring me over the baby back ribs

mustard greens on the side, Harry on hot sauce?

Man, lunch time, man? Man, man, you're gonna solve this case.

- Really. - Mr. Payne!

- You are out of order! - No, no, no, no, no.

You're out of order

this whole court is out of order!

- Get off me man! - Bailiff, bailiff, bailiff!

- All you need to do is sign. - Pay for these coconut!

- I ain't signin'. - All you need to do is sign.

This is crazy. This is really, really crazy.

I fly all this way with Harold Muppet and the Bluenotes

and I still can't get out of this marriage.

Needn't worry. We gettin' out of this marriage, alright?

'Cause when Lonnie gets back, I'mma whoop his happy ass.

Okay, violence is not gonna solve the problem.

Yeah, yeah, don't do that, man, why don't you just beat him up?

Cole, you just shut up, please?

'You make no sense at all.'

Well, well, well. Aloha!

Excuse me, y'all.

I'mma go have myself Kahlua with Kalani.

Yeah, that fool keep followin' them women around

they gonna throw his butt in the volcano.

You know what? This is all your fault.

If you hadn't signed your paw print

in the wrong place, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Well, if Gina would've listened to me in the first place

and never married you, we wouldn't be in this mess either.

Hey.. Aw, damn!

Well, at least we not married anymore.

Yeah, but I ain't married to Gina no more either.

You got yourself to blame, Strawberry shortcake.

Give me. Give me this, Martin.

- Playin' all the time. - See this?

- Tommy, what are you doin'? - What the hell are you doin'?

Hey, hey, hey, think about it, Martin. Think about it, man.

If you tell the judge

that your marriage license was destroyed

and give you another one, but this time

Pam, make sure you sign on the witness line.

I get it, then I won't be married

to Dick Van Tyke anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I get it, too.

Then I won't be married to the notorious P-I-G anymore.

Oh, you again? Now look, I dine told you.

I can't let you out this marriage now.

Now, just what part of "No" don't you understand?

No, no, no. You got it wrong, Lonnie.

Uh, w-w-we're happy being married.

Look, we had a little accident man, alright?

Pammy goat here got hungry and ate the license.

- Why do you always have to-- - So, we need another license.

That's right, we need another one.

- Oh, is that all? - Yeah.

Well, here you go.

Oh, no, no, no, no wait.

Don't forget to sign it, Lonnie.

Oh, no. I can't sign it unless I actually marry y'all.

Oh, hell no!

Wait a minute, guys.

Listen, the ceremony doesn't mean anything.

As long as Pam signs on the witness line

you two are not married.

- Okay? - This better work.

- This better work. - I do. But make it quick.

No, somethin' funky up in here.

No, no, that's just Pam's breath, alright?

- Why don't you shut up? - Okay alright, alright.

You know what, I ain't convinced that y'all really in love.

And if I'm not convinced, I know the Lord ain't convinced.

which means, this is a union born of Beelzebub.

Oh, no, no, no. Not at all, Your Honor.

They-they're very much in love

in fact, they're crazy about one another.

Well, y'all gonna have to prove it to me.

- Prove it to you? - Mm-hmm.

See, let me demonstrate.

When you're in love with a beautiful woman

like this here, you gotta put your arms around her.

So you can be fruitful and multiply.

If you don't back off your stinkin' behind off of me

you're gonna see the Lord and savior personally.

That's right, that's right. We are cousins.

which, by the way, don't mean a damn thing on this island.

So you can get it, girl.

If you're not gonna show me the love

at least you can show your man some.

Alright. See? See!

Now, Martin, tell your woman she beautiful.

I would, if I could get past the fur.

- Okay, okay. - See?

No, no, no, no.

No, Your Honor, they ain't fighting, you know

they joke like this all the time.

Now, you know a sense of humor

is very important in any marriage.

But I'm still not feelin' the fire.

Martin, go on and bust some slobs.

Give her some sugar, man!

I gotta bust some slob with her, Leon?

Go on, man. Give her some sugar.

Give her a little sugar.

Alright.

I was saving these for the ducky ride back to the airport

but, uh..

In this case, in this situation, you can have them now.

You're so stupid.

I'm still waitin' for that kiss.

- Okay. - You can do it, you can do it.

- Here we go. - Hail Mary!

'That's beautiful, man.'

See what I'm tellin' you.

- Love will do that to you. - Oh!

That's all I was lookin' for.

Now, come on, you young people

let's kick this ceremony off correct.

Pam, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Martin, do you take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

By the powers vested in me

by the island of Quackahowa

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- There we go. - Sign the thing.

Sign the thing. Alright.

Now have I mentioned that it's normal

to make a little contribution

to the Reverend Love Scholarship Fund

for wayward island girls?

Yeah. Yeah, I'mma make a nice donation.

And it's, uh, it's a size nine!

- Hey, hey, Martin. - The watch. Get the watch.

Get the watch.

- Wait. - What, what, what, what.

I think this is the part where I faint.

What? No. Come on, Pam, walk, baby.

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Come on, come on.

Pam, come on. Wake up, girl.

Hold on. Come here, come here.

- Let me try that line again. - Okay.

I hated the actin' on that one.