Original subtitles

- Hello, there! - Hi.

Welcome aboard The Cruise of Love.

I'm, Julie, your cruise director.

Hi, Julie, I'm Martin Payne.

Well, Mr. Payne, are you traveling alone?

Because we have a great singles luau in the Borneo room.

Oh, no. No, I got mine.

My, my wife. She's in the gift shop.

Ooh, super, now, if there's anything

I can do for you, you let me know.

- I sure will. - Okay.

You, you know, as a matter of fact, you can.

Can you send some champagne and some whipped cream to Room 222?

Oh, I get it. You're planning to get your freak on, aren't you?

'Will, all visitors please go ashore.'

'The ship will be sailing in five minutes.'

Wow, you know, I wish we were sailing right now.

I'm expecting someone unwanted company.

- Oh, who would that be? - My wife's friend, Pam.

As a matter of fact, I think I see her right now.

- Where? - Right there.

- Third sea lion from the left. - Oh!

I-I know those whiskers anywhere.

I heard that, reded shrimpy.

Oh, why don't I just leave you with your company?

Always got to run your mouth.

Pam. What're you doin here?

W-what's the matter, y-y-you couldn't find nobody

to go on a Valentine's Day cruise with ya?

- Shut up. - Ship ahoy, dawg!

Oh, nah!

Break! Nah, break!

- Nah! - What is wrong with you?

Tommy, please, man.

Tell me you didn't hook back up with the little fur maid.

Tommy, I can't believe you're back with Pam.

I thought I told you to let sleeping dogs lie, man.

Very funny, Tiger Lee.

But Tommy knows it's not that kind of party.

That's right, Pam had an extra ticket

and invited me to come along.

- Eh, as a friend. - As a friend.

But you know what Pam, I was, I was thinking

since we gonna be sharin' a room

you know maybe you and I can--

See, that's where I gotta stop you.

No, that's where I gotta stop you.

The only lay that you goin' to get is the one around your neck.

- You got that, boy? - Understood.

- Martin, we just friends, man. - Just friends?

Okay, good, 'cause that does my heart just fine.

I'm still tryin' to get the ticks off you

from the last time you hooked up.

I'm just sayin' this is what's going on.

We moving y'all.

- This is it. Yes! - Hey, yo.

- Martin, where's Gina? - Gina is in the gift shop.

- Hey, Tommy. - Huh-huh.

Gina is probably picking up some new underwear

to go with them pumps she pack.

- Oh, is it like that now? - Oh, it's like that.

You know what I mean. She got them in every color, man.

Red, uh, black and "Who's your daddy."

Hi, there. Julie again. You guys finding everything okay?

Uh, no, Julie, um

could you show Pam where the live stock is?

- Oh. - Shut up, boy.

You are funny, Mr. Payne.

You should sign up for the Amateur Night

in the Bermuda Triangle room.

Amateur Night? No, I don't get down with Amateur Night.

Oh, and don't miss the Bertha Butt Bookie Bump contest.

Well, ciao for now!

What is Julie so happy about?

You know what guys? We're gonna have a fun trip.

- Yes, we are. - Too bad Cole couldn't make it.

Hey, whassup, boys!

- Help me out of here, boys. - Here you go.

- Cole! - What's up?

What the hell are you doing here, man?

What, y'all thought y'all was going on a trip

with out ol' Coley-Cole? You can forget that.

Wait, wait, wait. How could you afford a trip like this?

I thought you were broke.

Stowaways don't need no money, Pam.

- Oh. - Duh.

Dude, did you know how much trouble you can get in

for sneaking on this ship?

Really!

I'm not worried about that, Tommy.

All I need is a place to crash. Shoo.

No. No, no. You can't stay with me and Gina.

We using every inch of our room.

So, you can't stay with us, Moby Thick.

Don't even think about my room.

Yeah.

Hold up, I mean, come on, y'all can't expect me

to sleep in this big ass tuba.

You should've thought about that

before you left the island, Gilligan.

Oh, what? Oh, y'all gonna play me like that?

Whatever, man. Coley-Cole gonna be a'ight.

Oh, look!

Everybody ashore is waving goodbye. Bye!

Bon voyage! We goin' and you not.

Hey, l-look. See that big head girl over there.

- She looks just like Gina. - She does.

Look like Gina? That is, that is Gina.

- What? - Gina, kick off the pumps.

- Oh, Gina. - Baby.. Stop the boat!

- Gina! Gina! - Stop the boat!

- Stop. Stop! - Gina!

Watch out!

What do you mean, you can't turn this boat around, man?

You got to understand, Mr. Payne.

There are 2600 people aboard this ship.

No. No. Make that 2599.

'Cause my wife ain't on it, man.

Alright, Popeye?

Actually, Mr. Payne, my name is Loafer.

Why ain't I surprised?

Mr. Payne, if you would just calm down.

- Julie, I'm calm. - Believe me, Julie.

He is calm, 'cause when he's mad

you know his ears get to flapping a lot more.

Sometimes, he even takes flight.

Now ain't the time leave it to weaver. It's not.

Look, guys, it's Valentine's Day and come on

there's got to be something you can do.

Yeah, yeah. Work it out.

What're you talking about?

You the one that got my friend out there

lookin for some damn drawers.

Hey, how was I supposed to know

the gift shop was across the street?

You know what?

There is a way to get the two of you together.

That's what I'm talking about, Loafer. What's up?

Well, just have Mrs. Payne meet you

when we dock in St. Thomas.

- When is that, Loafer? - In three days.

No, no. Three days, man? That's half the trip.

But, don't worry, Mr. Payne.

We have so many activities onboard.

You won't even know your wife is missing.

O, no. I..I'll know she's missing.

'Cause the activity I want, y'all ain't got.

'We can't help what happened to you, okay?'

Pam and I are about to go take a swim now.

- You care to join us? - Nah, man.

Y'all go ahead. I got things to do.

What, you scared you lil' butt might get sucked down the drain?

You know that's funny, Pam.

But I thought bears only go near water to fish.

I'm going to change my clothes.

Alright. We'll see you in a minute, dawg.

- No. No. No, where you going?. - What?

No, I said, I'm going to change my clothes.

No, I gotta change, too.

You can change later. Buh-bye.

- But, Pam, how will I.. - 'Get out of here!'

You know, man. It's a damn shame, man.

- What? - All the fish in the sea.

And you are in love with a sea lion?

- Move on, man. Move on! - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm movin'.

I'mma go call Gina, make sure she bring

them pumps to St. Thomas.

What's up, stowaway, I thought you'll be locked up by now.

While your laughing, I just had a champagne brunch, okay?

And I'm on my way to get myself

one of them, uh, Swedish messages.

Uh, C-Cole..

That, that, that's a, uh, Swedish massage, fool!

That's what I said, fool.

- Good afternoon. - Hey.

You need any help finding your state rooms?

No, no, no, man. We cool.

- This my room right here. - Yeah, yeah, mine over there.

- Hey, yo, what's up, dawg-- - And, you, sir?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I'm, uh..

...I'm on the, uh, Olympic track team.

Peace.

But, we have no Olympic track team!

- Oh-oh, Tommy. - What?

- You've been working out, huh? - Uh, yeah, a little bit.

- It shows. - Thanks, Pam.

Um, you missed a spot.

Oh, yes. I didn't see it.

What's up? Pam, Pam.

T-T-Tommy.

Cole. Where the hell you've been, man?

Was, was hi-hi-hiding out in the freezer.

- Want fish stick? - Boy, take that out of my face!

Look, you gonna have to chill, alright.

I am chillin', Tommy.

Okay, then, Cole, defrost.

Okay, uh, I'm gonna be in t-the boiler room.

I-If y-you l-looking f-for m-me.

Please.

Anyway, um..

You need some help?

No, I got it.

Yes, you do.

- Dawggonnit. - What's the matter?

- I'm all out of sunblock. - Oh, oh.

I-I'll get you some more. You want some more?

- Wait, what kind? I'll get it. - Thanks, babe.

- Hey. - Hey.

Can I ask you something?

Mm, sure. Yeah. Ask.

Could you do me from the back?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Be my pleasure.

Alrighty.

Just turn around there. Here we go.

- Alright.. - Whoo.

- You've got nice strong hands. - Thanks, ma'am.

See y-you need strong hands in my line of work, you know.

Oh, and what kind of work do you do?

Uh, it's complicated.

It'll take me all day to explain.

Well, I've got all day.

What do you say, um, we continue this, uh, in the jacuzzi?

- Cool! Oh, I'm Tommy. - I'm Brenda.

Think I got the right ones..

No, he didn't play me like that!

Ain't this about a...

- Pss, pss..Pam. - What?

The, uh, t-t-the b-boiler room was locked.

D-do you got electric blanket i-in your, your room?

I don't believe this.

Tommy's getting his mack on.

Gina missed the boat.

Martin's still short.

And I'm stuck with Frosty, the slowman!

How you doin?

Alright.

It's a beautiful night, huh?

It's a'ight.

Excuse me, but you look familiar.

Did I..

Did I meet you in a club or something?

I don't think so. I don't go to clubs.

Oh, I see.

Oh, uh..got a light?

- No, I-I don't smoke. - Oh.

Well, these things kill you any way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, lady, lady, lady! What're you doing?

What am I doing? I'm jumping!

No, no, lady. Lady, lady, watch that, lady.

Let me go! Let me go!

Whatever it is, talk about it, lady!

No, let me go!

Lady, don't do this!

Lady, look, I'll get you a match, lady.

Let me go! Just let me go!

- Lady, just.. - Oh.

Look, I can't let you go out like this, lady.

- I can't let you go out like-- - No, but you don't understand.

My boyfriend left me and I don't have anything to live for.

Lady, your boyfriend leaving

ain't no reason to check this out, lady.

But he left me for my mother!

Oh! Oh, damn!

Y-you know that's straight out of "Ricki Lake"

- I'mma you. - Oh, you saw that show?

No, lady, listen, listen. It's not that serious, okay. Listen.

- I-it is Valentine's Day, hey. - Yes, I know.

My baby ain't here, either.

- You're here by yourself too. - Yeah.

Y-y-you know, I'm here by myself, but, hey.

You don't see me trying to check out.

- That's right. - You know what I mean?

- That's right. - So, look, look.

Let me just get you a drink, you know

calm you down, you know, get you some soup.

- Oh, that sounds good. - Maybe a straight jacket.

No. No, I'm just joking, huh.

I thought I could do a little jokey joke to

...kind of get you off that rail.

Oh!

- Feeling better? - Mm-mm.

- I'm okay. Yeah. - Alright.

- Look here, uh, Ellen. - Mm-mm.

Y-you've got a lot to live for.

You know, you, you're a good looking woman.

You could get any man you want.

- You think so? - Oh, hell, yeah.

You, you don't believe me, do you?

- Hey, fellas! Oh, my god! - Ain't she fine, man?

Ain't she a good looking woman?

Martin, you are so crazy!

No, no, you the one!

No, no, no. That's just a little jokey joke.

- Oh. - That's a joke, joke.

- Oh, okay. - Whoo.

You know, I'm probably just feeling this way

because it's Valentine's Day and I'm all alone.

Ah, true that, true that, I can see your point.

Yeah. You know, what I did up there, I mean, is terrible.

It was almost a terrible mistake I made

and Martin, I want to thank you

from the bottom of my heart, really.

Oh. Well, look. It's all good, you know.

I, uh, you know what, y-you just need a man that appreciate

what you got to offer.

Now, that's what I'm seeing and that's what I feel.

You know, I just think that I need to lighten up

because I know that my dream man must be around here somewhere.

- I do. - You know what?

I'll do you one better.

You'll be surprised what you can find

if you just open your eyes.

I think you're right.

- Hey, Tommy. - Hey, Pam, how you doin'?

Ah, I'm alright. I'm a little stiff.

I could use a lil' massage.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

I'll call and make you an appointment.

No, thanks. You know, Tommy.

Um, I was just thinking this whole cruise thing

was a really good idea.

- Pam, I totally agree. - You do?

Yes. Look. There's something I wanna tell you.

Okay.

I want to thank you for inviting me.

- Oh, that's no problem. - No, I'm serious, Pam.

'Cause, if you hadn't invited me I never would've had

the opportunity to meet Brenda.

- Brenda? - Oh, yeah.

I mean, Brenda is the flyest sister I have ever met.

- Is that right? - Yes. Oh, you know what else?

You were absolutely right about you and I being friends

because, Pam, I don't know, I just feel like I can

I can talk to you about anything.

Hey, Pam. You my dawg, girl.

- Yeah, we're dogs. - For sure.

- Cole. Come here, baby. - Mm.

Come here.

Why the hell are you dressed like Mr. Bojangles?

Oh, you're liking this, man, huh?

You digging it.

Borrowed it from the laundry room.

Damn!

'Tommy's slopping that girl up like a biscuit.'

I ain't trying to hear that!

- What they doing now? - Uh, lea-leaving.

Man, this, this whole Valentine's cruise thing

i-is whack.

Yeah, I got to agree with you on that one, Pam.

Ever since I snuck on this ship, I've been runnin' around here

like Michael Johnson.

Well, if I'm to be stuck here with you

you best believe I'mma get my drink on.

True, true, if I'mma be stuck here with myself

you best believe I'mma get my drink on.

Urgh! Bartender!

Hi! I'm Issac.

And what can I get for you on this lovely evening?

What is everybody so damn happy about on this cruise?

Oh, you all don't know!

I've been on this ship for 20 years.

And this is the first time I seen black folks on it.

Issac a little out of touch.

Tell me, has the Afro gone out of style yet?

Ooh, um.. I guess not.

Issac, 'cause you're still sporting one.

Um, I tell you what.

You catch me up on the times

and I'll treat you to all the Bahamas Mamas you want.

Did you say Bahamas Mamas?

- Yeah. - Alright. I'm on it.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

H-hey, listen, um..

...is "Good Times" still on?

I mean, Jimmie Walker is..

...dynamite!

Yeah. I-I think you'd better give me the Bahamas Mamas now.

- Okay. - Yeah. On the double.

Yeah, and then..

...Thelma married a football player.

Ooh. Ooh. Guess what?

- James died. - James Evans died?

Yeah, he did. He did.

Damn, damn, damn!

I'm, I, I was devastated.

But, but, but, now, how are they goin to be

keepin' their heads above water?

- Oh. - Oh, man.

Could you please, some more Mama my Bahama?

Oh, wait, I want Mama too.

Ooh, ooh..

Ow, my head.

- Good morning, babe. - Good morning, Cole.

- Cole? - Hmm.

Who is it?

'Room Service.'

I ain't order no room service.

Damn!

Ain't nobody order no room service.

But a brother hungry in the morning.

So, I'll take it.

I'm Julie, your cruise director.

Hi, Julie. I'm Martin.

Mr. Payne. Oh, but I don't know your name is Payne.

'Cause you just told me you were Martin.

I'm sorry.

You got to understand, Mr. Payne.

There are 2600 people aboard this ship.

Tell me you did not hook back up with the little fur maid?

- Shut up. - I'm jumpin' man!

No, d-d-don't!