Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey, you.

- Good morning. - Hmm, mornin'.

Oh, yeah, baby, I heard you sing like that since last night.

That's because I want the whole neighborhood to know

how much I love my man. Come on over here, boy.

Yeah, that nice. Mm!

Yeah, yeah, you love me, Jen, you must love me.

Kissin' me this early in the morning, especially with

my breath kicking, like Jackie Chan.

Well, I got one for you, I know you love me, you know how?

- How? - Cause, um..

You all upon me and I haven't

washed my face yet.

Oh, yeah, well, true that, true that.

I wouldn't mind if you scoop that eye booger

right off the corner of your eye.

- Shut up! - Yeah.

Oh, baby. I'm just playing with you.

You know, that's the dope thing about being married.

We can say anything, we want to, each other.

You know, I'm glad you feel that way, Martin.

Cause I've been meaning to ask you.

Could you not switch the pillow

after you slobbered on yours?

- Slobbering? Please Gina. - Yeah, that's..

You the one to be slobberin', that's why, the time

you wake up, your bottom lip is chapped.

Uh, yeah, yeah, I could use a little chapstick, yes.

Baby, you may want to try armor roll.

Shut up!

Mommy, mommy wait, okay, let me get this straight.

You need a lawyer because you went to the beauty shop

and they made you look like.. Who?

Coolio?

Alright, alright, mommy. Okay.

I know a lawyer. Larry H. Darker.

No, he'll fight for you, really.

- Okay, mom, bye. Bye! - Hey babe, who was that?

Oh, Martin, that was my mother.

You would not believe what they

did to her hair down at the beauty shop.

Gina, what I don't believe is how good this

breakfast looks baby, I mean for once the bacon looks like bacon

the eggs ain't running like Michael Johnson.

What'd you do?

I got it from a restaurant, Martin.

Oh, I knew something was up, Gina.

What is the problem now, Martin?

Gina you got butter in the jelly.

I'm sorry, go around the butter.

Whatever, Gina. Whatever.

Always complainin'.

- What about you? - What about me?

Mr. Always leaving stuff out of the refrigerator.

See that's where you's wrong, Gina.

I don't be leaving stuff out, baby.

Oh really? Oh, okay.

What about this? Huh?

- Remember this? - Yeah, what about it?

I left that out for you, I knew

you's gonna want some.

Your mother should have named you, Pinocchio, see.

Uh, why is that?

'Cause that's been sitting out for a week.

Yeah, yeah, huh?

- Oh.. - Yeah!

- Oh, that's cold, Gina. - Hmm-hmm.

Yeah, well at least I don't snore.

How're you going get mad at me for doing somethin'

I don't even know I am doing.

Me and the whole damn building know, you're doing it.

You're keeping us up all night, baby.

You know what, I'm not trying to

argue with you this morning, okay?

Well, you know what, then as far

as I'm concerned, it's quashed.

- Fine! - Fine.

You know what else you do that I can't stand you, Gina?

- What? - Is that you leave..

...empty stuff in the refrigerator.

I may leave stuff out.

But at least it's full.

That's it! I'm out of here. I'm going to work.

- "I'm going to work." - Okay?

I'm-I'm getting out of here

because at least

they appreciate me.

At least they don't

eat with their mouths open.

Fine, Gina run off to work.

As always, you can't even stay here

and have breakfast with me?

Whatever! Whatever, Gina.

Don't make no sense, just goin' run off and get thick.

You won't run out. Huh?

Two damn drops of milk, Gina?

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't want nothin' to eat anymore!

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

Mm-hm.

This is good.

I guess it's true, what they say.

You can't eat just one.

You gotta eat like a whole lot of them and stuff.

Like eating a whole potato or somethin'.

'Looks left, let's it fly!'

'Complete to Wilkinson, out of bounds of the 25 yard line.'

'That'll come to clock with a--'

Man, please, you clipped them.

- Hey! - Gina.

- Yeah. - I am trying to watch the game.

Oh, don't mind me.

Just doin' my thing over here.

Gina, why'd you turn off the game?

Why are you watching TV while I am trying to read?

Well, why can't you read in the bedroom?

Why can't you watch TV in the bedroom?

- It's broken. - Well, fix it!

- Oh, mama tryin' to tell-- - What, excuse me, what?

What, what, what was that, sorry?

I said, I always love my mama.

She's my favorite girl, Gina.

That's what I said.

Uh-huh, mama's boy.

Excuse me, I didn't quite get that.

I said..

- I know the song, Gina. - That's what, I was saying.

I'm going to Nipsey's.

Oh, girl. Yeah.

See now you fighting dirty.

You didn't have to bring a Evander Uglyfield in to this.

Will you just, get out of my way.

Going about your business for somebody to get hurt--

- You better get out of my way. - Okay, you in my place.

- I ain't got to step nowhere. - You get out of my way, you--

I ain't gonna argue with y'all 'cause it's two of y'all--

That's right, that's right! That's right!

Hi girl, wassup?

- Hey. - Oh-oh.

Oh-oh, what's the matter, is Martin

acting his shoe-size again?

Pam, I don't know what it is

we are arguing over the smallest things.

Hmm, you mean like his height?

- Come on, Pam, I'm serious. - Alright.

- I-I don't know what to do. - Alright, alright, alright.

Gina, if you're that serious, maybe y'all should

get some help, you know, my aunt and uncle, they went to see

a marriage counselor when they were having problems.

Wait a minute, didn't they get a divorce?

Yeah, but at least they both happy, now.

I don't know about this.

I don't think Martin is going to come with me to see a shrink.

What difference would it make, he's already shrunk!

That's not fair.

You forget something, Billy flee Williams?

Yeah, I forgot how bad my place smells after you've been in it.

You know what Gina, if I were you

I would get rid of this GI joke.

And get me a full size, man.

Get out of my face, it's not the time, step.

- Alright. - Okay.

I forgot my wallet.

Martin, please just come back here.

We need to talk, we are having some problems.

What do you mean, "We", Gina?

Martin, I'm talking about

the arguing, the nitpicking

the silent treatment.

I think we need some help.

Alright, fine, Gina.

I'll have a talk with mama, tomorrow.

I didn't, no, nope, nope, nope

nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

No, no, no, I'm talking about a marriage counselor, Martin.

Marriage C-Gina, please!

In high school, I didn't even go to my guidance counselor.

Would you please? Can we just try it?

That's it Gina, no. No, okay?

My mind is made up.

Marty Martin, ain't going to no counseling.

Okay, Mr. Marriage Counselor. Let's do this.

Okay, cause, uh, my meter's runnin'.

Yes, well, first of all, I'd like to ask both of you..

You Martin Payne, damn, I mean

I saw your name on the list

but I didn't know it's really

you, I watch your show everyday.

Good for you, doc, thank you man.

Excuse me, Dr. Slocum, we're here to talk about

some problems that me and Martin are having.

Oh, what kind of problem could you possibly have

being married to the funniest man in America?

Doc, that's what I've been trying to tell her, man.

But right now me and her ain't here, you know?

You know what, Martin?

I don't think Dr. Slocum is the right counselor for us.

Woah, Gina, I'm starting to get used to this counseling thing.

Uh, Mrs. Payne, y-y-you're right.

Let's, let's get down to business.

What exactly seems to be bothering you

about your relationship?

Thank you, well, first of all, Martin has been doing--

Some of the funniest talk-show television, I've ever seen.

The shows you did of little people slam dunk competition.

Oh, you know, what had happened partner had hops, you know.

And a lot of people didn't know

he had skills that could play, you know.

He was shot and shattered, the little tiny back board.

Well, I'm getting out.

- I'm getting out. - No, no, no, Mrs. Payne.

Please wait, uh, please wait, don't leave.

Don't leave un-un-until you take

a picture of me and my main man, Martin.

- Come on, yeah. - 'Yeah.'

Gina, I don't know why we here.

I thought the last brother was cool.

Martin I'd heard that Dr. Delgado

is the guru of all counselors.

Hello, how's everybody doing? Okay, now..

How many of you are here

because you're having

marital problems?

'Unh-huh, unh-huh, unh-huh, unh-huh.'

What if I could show you how to save your marriage

and make six figures doing it, would you like that?

- 'Yeah'. - Hell, yeah!

Don't y'all think y'all should say "Hell, yeah."

How you gonna get your money?

Then you need my personal

power kit, regularly $379.

This priceless tool can be available to you

today for just $29.99

That's just $6 a day, for the rest of your life.

Well, Gina, I ain't no accountant

but partner's math ain't addin' up.

Baby, let's be out of here.

Don't let six bucks break up a happy home. Okay.

What'd I tell you Gina? That counseling was whack.

Baby, all we did was waste time and money.

Alright, alright, Martin, but we still have

some problems that we need to work out.

Gina I ain't got no problem.

Well, if I got a problem, then you got a problem.

And if you got a problem with that

then we sure enough got a problem.

I wish I had a hearing problem.

I ain't got time for this. I've got to get back to work.

I got to go cause you got the problem.

- Okay, fine. - You got a problem--

You runnin' out again. Fine, Gina!

Always running out, every time we get a little argument.

What you can't handle the truth?

Make no sense.

'Uh, Mrs. Payne, this is'

'attorney Larry H. Darker.'

'Yes. I will take your case.'

'I'll meet you at your office this afternoon at two o'clock.'

'We are going to take him to the cleaners.'

My..

My wife!

Hey, hey, hey, what's up, dawg? What happened, man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's going on, man, I was just

in the middle of trimmin' mom's mustache.

Well, look, maybe y'all should be sitting for this man.

- Martin, we-we are sitting. - Well sit real hard.

- Sit real heavy, okay? - Okay, okay, come on.

Well, come on with it, we-cut up, what's going on?

Gina tryin' to stick me for my paper.

But, Martin, you ain't got no money.

Don't listen to him Martin, just tell us what happened.

Gina hired a lawyer.

She planning t-to divorce me, man.

I can't let her go, man.

A divorce?

Wait, wait, come on man.

Where did you get that idea?

Tom, I heard it on the answer machine, man.

Some lawyer gonna tell her he gonna take me to cleaners.

M-uh-hey, hey look, man, hey, you don't need no lawyer

to take you to the cleaners, okay, I got the pacer

right downstairs, man, okay?

Cole, shut up.

Look, look, come on, come on.

Dawg, no, this don't sound like Gina.

I hoped you guys signed one of them, prenatal agreements.

That's prenuptial, Brian Dumble.

Uh-uh, Martin y'all did sign one of those, right?

No, Tommy, we didn't sign nothin' like that?

Oh, no...well, uh

maybe there is something to what you're saying, man.

But then again, then again, you know, you may

you always jump into conclusion, man.

I knew what I heard on the damn machine, Tommy.

Yeah, Tommy, he know what he heard.

His ear is all bigger than yours.

And mine.

Shut up, fool!

Just, no I'm, o-ah..

Okay, sorry about the ear joke.

Sorry about that, but no, seriously, now

the same thing happened to this brother I know

one time okay, his wife cleaned him out.

Then ran off to the Bahamas with her lawyer.

What?

The Bahamas?

With her lawyer.

Alright.

Some lawyer's gonna end up in The Ba-hospital.

Cause Old Marty, Martin ain't going out like that.

Okay, y'all know where I be, I'm about to turn into an animal.

Okay? I'll be now.

So what do you think, Mr. Darky?

You think my mother has a case or not?

Well, I got a good news and I've got bad news.

The bad news is your mom is going to have to

cut off all her hair.

But the good news, she's going to be

the richest bald person next to Michael Jordan.

Excuse me, Gina, we need you in the meeting

and it looks like you need me in this one.

- How you doing? Pamela James. - Hi.

Uh, Pam. This is Mr. Darker. He's an attorney.

Oh, so you're a lawyer like Johnny Cochran.

Uh-ah, okay, time for us to go, Pam

to the meeting, I'll be right back.

Do you make as much money as he does?

- Pam. - Gina, he's potential.

What's up?

Not much bro, Ham, what'd be like?

Oh, so you know who I am!

Uh, no, but, uh, how many guesses I get?

I heard that on Comic View.

Oh, you funny, oh, you're a funny lawyer.

Oh, you like jokes? Well, here's a little jokey joke for you.

What did the pissed off husband say to the fake ass lawyer?

I-I don't know, bro. What'd he say?

Nothing. He just kicked his teeth out.

Ah!

You know, maybe it's me but, uh, I don't get it.

You don't get it, you're the lawyer who

left the-the message on my answer machine, aren't you?

Oh, you Mr. Payne, you, you know, I can assure you

I can clear up all this confusion.

Only thing I'm confused about

is what foot I'mma put in your ass.

Come here. Let's go.

Look, I know we can get the Watson account.

Well, let's talk about profit projections, okay?

Alright, who else wants some?

Who else wants some? I got one shoe left.

Oh, you want some in your ass.

Come on, step.

Martin what are you doing?

I'm in the middle of a meeting.

What do you mean, what am I doing here, Gina?

I should be asking you the same question.

- What are you talking about? - Oh, come on, Gina.

I leave some orange juice out of refrigerator

and you call the lawyer on me.

Like you ain't never left some

dirty socks out before.

Okay, you know what, I think we need to talk

about this outside, let's go Martin.

Outside, oh-oh, wha-what

you ashamed o' Marty Martin now?

Is that why you divorcing me?

- Divorce! - Yeah.

Yeah, I know about you and Chris Darden planning to

run off to The Bahamas with all my money, Gina.

Wait, all your money, man, broke as you are

they not gonna run very far.

I wasn't even talking to you, Janet Jackass.

'Hey!'

'Martin Payne!'

Martin, could you listen?

No, you listen, you tell her

to listen and you listen, okay?

Both of y'all and Gina, you promise to love me

for better or for worse, but if you want out..

- I won't stop you. - But Martin--

Hey, but you just remember one thing.

- I loved you. - Martin, I love you too.

And I'm not divorcing you!

You not?

Sorry.

Why do you hired a lawyer?

Martin..

Martin, that's my mother's lawyer.

Remember I told you they jacked up her hair

at the beauty salon?

You sure did, oh, baby. I'm sorry, I don't know.

- Sometimes I-- - Right, right, right.

- I mean, you know how it is-- - Uh-huh!

- So you ain't leaving me? - No.

You're gonna have to do more than leave some orange juice

on the counter to get rid of me.

- Is that right? - I love you, Martin.

I love you.

Ah, please!

Ah, baby, do you know any other lawyers?

Oh yeah. Why?

Cause when that lawyer wakes up..

- I'mma need one. - Baby, you didn't.

I don't know.

I like so many things about you, I don't know..

Martin actin' his shoe size again?

Pam, I don't.. I don't know my next line.

See that's where you're wrong, Lina.

"Lina"?

'"Lina?"'

You cheatin' on me!