Original subtitles

'Jackie, I.. I think it's best that I'

'that-that I'd be straight with you.'

'I'm just, I'm just not happy any longer and'

'and I'm leaving you...for Stanley High.'

Pam, turn the channel, this is just too depressing.

- Can't take it. - What a dog!

After she bailed him outta jail

put his behind through schooling.

He just gonna leave her for a man!

- It's just wrong. - That ain't right.

One, two, three!

Baby, what happen?

I sprained my ankle playing ball, Gina.

Oh, Martin, let me see it, alright. Let me see it.

- Ah! - Oh, alright, Martin.

- Gina, be careful it hurts. - Okay, baby, wait.

Stop your whining, will ya?

I can't hear the TV.

Well, whatever you watching, please turn it off.

I hate to see a grown man cry.

Baby, your ankle is really swollen.

Baby, I wanna take you to a doctor.

No, Gina, I ain't tryin' to go to no doctor.

J-just take me to mom's house and she'll hook me up

with one of them home remedies and I'll be straight.

No, Martin, I don't think you should walk on that, man.

I'm not. You're gonna carry me, Scoopy.

You think she could hook you up with a face lift?

No, but she can lift that tart off your teeth.

Martin, I sold you about showboating and showing off.

How did you do this to yourself?

Oh, Gina.

Baby, I was flying through the air

like Michael Jordon, right.

I did one of them reverse slam dunks, boom!

Came down and landed on my ankle all wrong, Gina.

Then he woke up from his dream.

The man was running down the court..

...tripped on his show laces.

That's how he twisted his ankle.

You know what? It's a good thing

shorty didn't have too far to fall.

He really could've gotten hurt.

Good thing it wasn't you, Pam.

You know, when horses hurt a leg

they take 'em out in the pasture

and let off a few rounds.

- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh, see! Martin!

Pam, don't upset him!

No, Mama Payne, I did not trip Martin.

Ugh.

Look, look, look. He really did hurt himself

on the basketball court and..

Y-yes, I..

Yes, I do realize you'll knock my teeth out, I understand that.

Miss.. Mama Payne, you're fadin'. You're fading.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

I'm going through tunnel.

What was that all about?

Ugh, Martin's mother tripping as usual.

She won't let him come home for a whole 24 hours.

You're lucky. Usually you have to pay an exterminator

to get rid of pests.

Watch your mouth, Pam.

That's my man you're talking about

I'm gonna miss him for a whole day.

Remember, we're newlyweds.

We still have some honeymooning to do.

Don't make me throw up along.

- Shut up! - Oh, Gina..

Why don't you come to the movies with me

to take your mind off baddy boy?

That sounds cool. What's playing?

Well, let's see, uh

"Dennis The Menace II Society" is playing.

Nah, I heard that was whack.

Oh, Gina, look, "The Love Jones Connection"

is doin' a live show from Detroit.

Ooh, Pam, you should try out.

Maybe you could finally find a man.

I'm sorry, it slipped, girl, I'm just playin'.

You know that song by D'Angelo called "Brown Sugar?"

- Uh-huh. - That was about me.

So, I don't know what all the running up and down..

Ooh! Excuse me, "Brown Sugar" baby.

I'm sorry. Just find out what movie you wanna see

so we can get outta here.

Oh, okay, we could see "Jurassic Trailer Park"

I hear it's all that.

Cool. Cool. What time does it start?

Ooh, girl, in 15 minutes. We gotta go.

- Alright. Alright. Oh, girl! - Hurry up.

I haven't been the movie in a while.

That's alright.

Y'all don't have to feel sorry for me in my time of need.

Alright, alright, Sheneneh. What's the problem?

Did press on nails go outta business?

- What? - You know I'm right.

Wait, wait, Pam. Pam, wait a minute.

Sheneneh, what's wrong with you, girl?

Yeah, Sheneneh, you never let me get away with snappin' on you.

Don't try to act like you all care about me.

'Cause I damn sure don't care about you all.

Oh, come on now, Sheneneh, we care.

- We care. - I don't care.

Look, come on, tell us what's up. Come on.

Well, since y'all are so nosy, I'll tell you.

- No. - My man Lafonze..

Got back with his second baby..

Sheneneh, I am so sorry to hear that, girl.

Gina, hello, we do not have time for this drama.

Look, look, we can get to the real drama at the movie.

We gotta go. I don't trust her anyway.

It's a trick.

Duh! Duh!

No, you cannot..

You are the trick.

I've been cracking myself up.

I just need..

- Something wrong with that girl - Oh, Sheneneh..

Come on, now..

There are plenty of men out there, now stop.

Yeah, so work it out. We gotta go.

Oh, Sheneneh, don't cry, alright?

Look, look.. Oh, I got an idea, we was just talking about

"Love Jones Connection" is coming to Detroit

why don't you try it out.

That's my favorite show.

They be hooking you up with dates, money, everything.

Yeah, see, you should audition.

Alright, Gina, let's go.

- We gotta go. Peace. - Alright.

Yeah, I guess, you're right.

Because, see, if Lafonze see me on TV

with a duffle bag, he'll come running back.

And somebody may get shot.

But he'll be back.

He'll be back.

Look, Sheneneh, look, here's the address.

Now, we got to go before we miss the beginning

of "Jurassic Trailer Park."

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

Ooh, you know that movie is so good.

Especially the ending.

When the dinosaurs come by and do a drive by on everybody.

Sheneneh, why would you tell us?!

Gina, that's it! I had it with this girl!

Yes, I told the ending.

So what are you gonna do?

Punks jump up to get beat down.

- Alright.. - Yo, why are you..

- It is on! - Pam!

How y'all do?

How y'all do?

I'm Sheneneh Jenkins.

Oh, it's like that, huh?

Excuse me.

But is this where you sign up for the "Love Jones Connection?"

Do I look like I work here?

No, but you look like you're about

to get your ass kicked, uh-huh.

I am not the one, okay? So you better run Teena Marie.

I am not the one.

- Excuse me. - Hm?

But are you trying out for the "Love Jones Connection" too?

Yes, I thought I would give it a try.

Oh, well, you better try a new dress.

You-you don't like it?

As a dress, no.

But as a table cloth, oh, it's dope.

I better go change.

Oh, yeah, go ahead why don't you do that.

I think the Salvation Army is still open.

See you. I think it's that way.

Hi, I'm Rene.

What's your name?

Sheneneh, why?

"Sheneneh Why."

That's a funny name.

My name's almost like that except mine's with an R.

Ooh, I guess, I would be Reneneh.

With that shiny nose

they need to call you Rudolph.

Oh, girl, is it really that bad?

Oh, girl, it's worse.

It look like you powdered your nose with Armor All.

Oh, no. I..

I-I gotta go take care of this.

Thanks, Sheneneh Why.

Terry Hicks?

No.

Okay. Darice Rollins?

No.

Shanana?

Hold up, okay?

The name is Sheneneh.

You wouldn't wanna get it, right, uh-uh.

Okay?

Well, I guess, no other ladies showed up.

Oh, they showed up.

But they were toe up from the floor up

almost made me throw up.

Well, since you're the only one here, I guess you're on.

What? Me?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness!

I'm gonna me on the "Love Jones Connect."

I'm gonna me on the "Love Jones Connect."

I gotta call Laquita now!

Oh!

Laquita!

Baby, change the channel, we're gonna miss Sheneneh.

Sheneneh's cool, Gina, but this is much better baby.

What the hell?!

Martin, I thought I told you to cancel the Playboy channel.

I will, after it goes off, Gina.

Damn, how she do that?

I'm changing this channel.

You ain't watching that no more, that's it.

- Hey, Sheneneh on yet? - Oh, hey, wassup?

I wanna see how her date went.

No, but y'all are right on time.

Pam, why do you gotta come over here

and watch our TV all the time?

Oh, my bad. You can afford one, huh?

You are just so childish. Why don't you just grow up?

Oh, my bad. You can't.

Now you see, Gina, I will let you keep her.

But your Pam got to stay off the couch.

- Okay. That's it, move over. - Why don't you..

Mo-mo-move, y'all! Sheneneh's coming on now.

Y'all shush!

They're here!

'And now the man who's made'

'more love connections than Will Turbolin'

'D'Andre Simpson.'

Hey, what's up, y'all? I'm D'Andre Simpson

and this is the "Love Jones Connection."

Now, our first sister says that she's very much a lady.

'And she says that she likes a brother that's down.'

'She says if he disrespects her though'

'she'll beat him like he stole something.'

Please, welcome, Sheneneh Jenkins.

Alright, alright!

I'm on TV. I am on TV.

I'd like to say what's up to Laquita

and all my homies from around the world.

Hi!

Ah, so, Sheneneh, tell us what you meant

when you said that you like a brother that's down?

Well, I don't like those pretty boy types.

I like a brother who

who ain't afraid to scratch his ass in public.

I mean, if it itch, scratch it.

It's yours.

Oh.

Well, the last time you were here

you picked someone to go out with.

And we wanna find out how that date went.

So, please welcome Valentino Watson.

Yo, wassup, D'Andre?

And how you doin', Sheneneh, with your fine self?

I'm cool. How you doin', Valentino?

I'm coolin', baby.

So, Valentino, tell us how the date got started.

Well, it went like this, D'Andre.

First I went over to her crib to pick her up. Right?

But before I got there I got into a little beef

with this big eared brother and his bald head partner

from across the hall.

Yo, if I see you punks again. It's on!

- 'It's on!' - What?

That ain't funny. Who he calling bald headed?

What's the matter, Tommy, are bald and blind?

Well, he called you big ears.

Yeah, well, he should've called me bigfoot.

'Cause he gonna have a problem pulling my boot out of--

Oh, please, he wouldn't waste his time

fighting a little ant like you.

You just pray, you ain't rating, call it a day.

You know what? You better watch your mouth.

What? Get up!

- Get up! - Watch your mouth!

Baby, sit down. Sit down!

Look what you did!

- Y'all be quiet. - Shh!

So after the altercation with the

big eared brother, what happened?

Well, after that I went over to Sheneneh's crib, right?

Yo, let me just tell you this. It was mad hoochies in there

all over the place, I thought I was at Luke's house.

Sheneneh, you knew you were going out on a date

why'd you have all those hoochies at your crib?

Well, brothers be trippy, D'Andre.

So I had all my home girls over in case he forgot I was a lady.

But you know self defense, right?

Don't you know a little karate?

Oh, no, I don't know karate.

But I damn sure know crazy.

Break 'em!

Well, Sheneneh, what did you think of Valentino

when you first saw him?

Well, I was cool about..

but on the inside, I was like

"Oh, my Goddess. Oh, my Goddess!

Look at this fine dark chocolate, black--"

Whoa, hold on now. Don't forget we're on network TV

so, please watch your language.

Oh, my bad. My bad.

I-I thought this was BET

you know they be saying whatever they want all day.

So, Valentino, what did you think

of Sheneneh when you first saw her?

Well, as soon as I saw her I was like..

"Unh! Where has she been my whole life, man?"

And when she turned around it was love, I'm telling you.

Oh, Sheneneh got the kinda ass that

a kinda ass you could shoot dice on.

You know what I'm saying, D'Andre?

I know what you're talking about.

My wife got a little junk in her trunk too.

But Sheneneh, how do you get your backs like that?

Well, well, I-I been doing squats at the gym, you know.

I like to stay cute in the face

and thin in the waist.

I heard that, baby.

Don't even think about it, D'Andre. Uh-huh.

Don't even think about it. Okay?

Okay. So you went out on a date. Where'd you go first?

Well, we went over to meet some of her neighbors.

And what did you think of them?

I mean they were alright.

But this girl across the hall

had the biggest head of all time.

Just big Lou Rawl's head.

I mean, it was ahead of its time, it was heading this way.

Yo, I feel sorry for her turtle necks.

I mean, I'm still having nightmares

about this girl's head. I just go to bed like.

Oh, head! Head! Head!

- No, he didn't! - Yes, he did!

He went to your head on national TV.

"I feel sorry for her turtle necks!"

Yeah? And that's two beating

you got coming to you, Valentino.

- Yeah, boy! - Uh-huh.

My head ain't that big!

Well, that big head sister sounds pretty scary.

Well, that's nothing. Her girlfriend's breathe

smell like a bag of armpits.

What?

I can't believe he said that!

- Believe it. - Believe it.

It's that bad?

Give me a grape. Give me a grape.

- It's that bad? - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, so far it sounds like everything was all to the good.

Well, everything was lovely.

Until he took me to that cheap restaurant.

I mean, he didn't even have class enough to take me inside.

He took me through the drive-thru, y'all.

Oh.

So what's up with the cheap

restaurant, Valentino?

I don't know why she complaining to me

I told her she could super-size it.

- I could super-size what? - Yes, you could super size.

- You better watch your mouth. - Now, you know you ain't..

You better watch your mouth.

This is good. We love it when it gets heated

that keeps the ratings up, y'all go ahead.

So we're chilling in the parking lot, right

getting our super-sized groove on.

That's when I noticed Sheneneh was staring at the brother.

That's right, all in here.

H-hold up. H-hold up, okay? I-I..

Only reason I was staring at you

is because you have food stuck in your teeth.

- That's the only.. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, whatever, whatever, whatever.

Yeah. But being a true magnet I am, right.

So I put my hand on her nizzy, then right out of the blue..

Pow! She hit me! Sheneneh hit me!

She lucky I didn't hit her back.

That's right, D'Andre, I checked that chin.

'Cause I told you, I'm a lady.

And you don't disrespect no lady.

I can't believe how ugly this got.

What happen next?

Well, we roll back to her crib, right

to watch a little "Def Comedy Jam," right?

You know I didn't wanna go

but I felt sorry for her and I went anyway.

Hold up. What do you mean you felt sorry for me?

I felt sorry for you. Because your jaw was on swell.

Hey, take it from me, Valentino, if I were you I would stay low

before you catch a halo.

Just tell me how this date ended.

Well, I saw that it was about 00 in the morning, right?

So I told her I was getting ready to leave.

That's when she started begging the brother to stay.

I ain't lying!

That's because you were so boring.

I was scared you would bore yourself to sleep..

- While you were driving. - 'Oh, please.'

And I didn't want that on my conscience.

Boy, obviously there were no sparks flying here, so..

Let's just find out who our audience picked.

'Yes! Yes!'

Well, looks like they've picked Valentino.

So if you two wanna go out again, which I seriously doubt

we will pay for it.

Shoo. Y'all should pay me for wasting my time.

I don't know why you're tripping

you know you wanna go back out with me.

Yeah, Sheneneh, stop tripping.

Plus we gonna give you $300 and a limo.

- $300 and a limo? - Yeah.

Wait a minute, I don't know about this.

I gotta think about this.

Okay, Andre, I'll go! I'll go!

Oh, I'm telling this is very unusual.

Looks like we've made a "Love Jones Connection."

And no one got hurt.

So, Valentino, come on out and say hello to Sheneneh.

- How you doin', man? - Pretty good.

Now, wait.

That's how you got your chin check last time.

Oh, well, that's all for our show.

I'm D'Andre Simpson

I'll see you when you pay your cable bill.

God bless you. Peace.

- Yes! There-- - Come on, Sheneneh.

Let's split up this prize money, so I can get outta here.

Alright, alright, be patient, uh-huh.

- Here. - That's only $5, Sheneneh.

We're supposed to split up a half of $300.

I can count, okay?

That's what you get for clowning my friends on national TV.

You don't know them like that.

$5, Sheneneh?

I can't buy nothing for $5, Sheneneh.

No? But you can get a one way ticket

to get the hell outta my face, Vale.

No, poof, pow, be gone.

Sheneneh, can I get my money?

I mean, $5 I can't even buy dinner.

What am I supposed to do with $5?

I don't know. Super-size it.

Sheneneh!

Sheneneh!

Oh, girl, is it really that bad?

'Oh, start. Once again same place.'

'And five, four three two..'

Oh, g..

Oh, girl, is it really that bad?

I'm good, alright, okay.

- It's my line now? - 'Yeah.'

Okay.

Shut up. I'm allowed one.

It wasn't you, Pam.

'Cause I'd have to reorder a new horse trough to feed you.

I wish y'all are recording this.

- Oh. - 'He did.'