Original subtitles

Uh..

Luis, how did you get here so fast, man?

Usually when I call you to fix something

it takes you two weeks.

Yeah, but this time you said the magic word.

Mucho dinero.

Oh, man, I said Robert De Niro.

I want to know if you saw a casino.

No. On the phone you said, "Mucho dinero, amigo."

No comprende.

Ah, you've been working on your Spanish?

Oh, boy, I speak a little something, some.

Uh, El Dorado, El Camino

El DaBarge. Oh, damn, my bad. That's French.

Is it? Is it not? Sometimes I get confused with..

Martin, I'm a busy man. I have other people to ignore.

- What do you want? - Alright, look, check this out.

I'mma be real with you, okay?

I want the two-bedroom apartment on the fifth floor.

Hey, come on, man, look, me and Gina need more space.

Martin, that's impossible. So many people want that apartment.

And the waiting list is so long. How soon can you move in?

When is it available?

As soon as you can afford the key. Hint, hint. Uh-huh?

Man, don't worry. I can afford the key.

But you better be able to afford a cane

'cause that's what you gonna need when I toss

your ass out that window.

Where you going? What you packing for?

Pam, I just got done telling you

that Martin is taking me away for the weekend.

Please, y'all been going away for the past two months

and ain't been nary nowhere.

Excuse me, but by husband is a professional

and sometimes things just come up, okay?

No, the only thing that should come up is his height.

You ever thought about getting him lift for his shoes?

Pam, it's different this time because he promised me, okay?

- I'm not.. Hey, baby. - Yo, baby.

- What's up? - What you packing for?

Gina, you going somewhere?

Martin! You know we're going away this weekend.

Remember, you had promised me?

Oh, right, right.

But, baby, you know what, that was this morning.

Yeah, Gina, things have changed since then, baby.

- Oh, come on, Martin-- - See, just like I said.

Once a loser, always a loser. I knew he would let you down.

Well, why don't you cheer us all up and leave, Pam?

- Huh, why don't you do that? - Whatever.

Come on, come on, Martin. Why don't you tell her, man?

Go ahead, tell her before she start packing for real.

Tommy, man, please, I got this. That's my wife, okay?

Now, please mind your bald-head scoopy business.

- Alright. Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Alright.

Now excuse me.

- Whoo! Gina, baby. - Yeah?

We moving on up.

Martin, what are you talking about?

Gina, I got us a bigger place, baby.

- Baby, you got us a house? - Even better.

I got us two-bedroom apartment upstairs, Gina.

Oh. Well, Martin, that's nice, too.

But can we afford that, baby?

Gina baby, that's the best part.

Not only can we afford it, but, Gina, I got us a big apartment

and, baby, we get paid at the same time.

Whoo, well, alright, Gina, you got yourself

a little real-estate mogul there, Donald Stump.

Pam, that's enough. Thank you.

Martin, just tell me what's going on, please.

Now, now, now, excuse me, baby.

- Tommy! - 'What?'

Since you like to sniggle and g-g-giggle

why won't you break it down for Gina and Cousin It?

Okay, so now you want me to talk to your wife?

Man, just go on and tell her, head president.

- You ain't gonna do-- - Man, look. Hey.

Alright, alright, alright.

- Basically, look. - What?

Martin gonna sublease this apartment for more money

than you're paying Luis for the two-bedroom upstairs.

No, no, no, the bottom line is

the man is a genius, dawg.

Exactly what did you put in that newspaper ad, Martin?

Well, Gina, baby, I just made the place

sound like it was The Barn.

See, baby, you got to hype it up like Don Caine.

Okay, baby, that's our first couple.

Now remember, put on your game face.

- The game face? Okay. - Yeah, yeah.

- Okay. Okay. - The game, the game face is..

- Hello. - Hi.

Hi, uh, we're the Livingstons. I'm Fred, this is my wife Linda.

Linda's got an MBA from USC

and I've got my PhD from, uh, MIT.

Oh, that's cool 'cause we just finished watching TLC on BET.

Well, we just came to look at the apartment.

- Yeah. - Oh, well, here it is.

You can make the check out to Martin Payne.

Oh, well, wait a minute, we'd like

to take a look at the place first.

Oh, you.. Well, come on in, take a look around.

- Yeah, thanks. - Alright.

I noticed in you ad you said you had a doorman.

I just opened the door, man.

Oh, oh. That's a joke, right? It's, uh, funny.

Um, didn't your ad say something about a fountain?

Uh, that would be in the bathroom right above the tub.

You know, le-let me ask you something.

Is this a safe building?

Man, didn't you read the ad?

This has the top-of-the-line security system.

Oh, well, that's great. Can you show us how it works?

Uh, n-no problem. Uh..

Gina, baby, wanna show 'em the security system?

I didn't know we had a secur..

The sys, the system that you was just--

Yeah, right, oh, you right. Okay.

They used to call me Crazy Joe, now they call me Batman.

Now, ahem, what you wanna do

le-let's say someone comes through that door

you don't want coming through that door.

What you wanna do is plant yourself, get your huff

and your bone, soon as they come in..

Watch 'em drop. Boom!

Works every time.

Uh.. Ahem.

Didn't your ad also say something

about a view of the water?

- Water, that's right. - Yeah.

But-but step right over here.

Right over here. Yeah.

Ah. Ah, now look out the window.

Tell me what you see.

- A busted fire hydrant. - That is right.

And when it is shooting 50 feet in the air

place looks like Caesars Palace.

Honey, can I talk to you for a minute?

- Well, what do you think? - Well, honey, I don't know.

I mean, it's nothing like the ad said.

But you know something, it is close to the university.

- Right? Right, okay. - Yeah, you're right. Okay.

Uh, one more thing, Martin, you know, I'm working on a book

and I need a place with peace and quiet.

Oh, man, please, quiet?

Okay, look. Shh..

I said shh.

You hear that?

- No. - Exactly, not a sound, right?

So what's up, man, you want the place or not?

I got about four to six more people

waiting in line. Wassup?

Mr. Payne, you got yourselves a deal. We'll take it.

- Alright, alright, yeah. - Alright. Yeah.

- Pam! - To the left.

Oh, I know now, bro.

Whoo! Oh. Hey.

So you could put the Livingstons' stuff

right in there, okay?

Dang, Gina, they're moving their stuff

in already, y'all didn't even move out yet.

Girl, that is alright, 'cause I'm so ready

to get in this big apartment.

Oh, Luis, speaking of which

I am glad to see you. Is the apartment ready yet?

I'm glad you asked that question 'cause there's a problem.

- What? - Not a big problem.

Oh, good, I was about to say.

- You didn't get the apartment. - Oops.

What you mean we didn't get the apartment?

Are you out of your mind, Luis? Martin gave you a deposit.

Yeah, but somebody gave me a bigger deposit.

Money talks, and, boo, well, you know the rest.

Luis, the people who rented our apartment are moving in

right now. We don't have anywhere else to go, Luis.

I'm sorry, Gina, that's all I can do.

- Luis! Hey, Luis! - Oh..

You gonna have big problems when my husband gets home!

Yeah!

What are you complaining about, Gina? This ain't that bad.

Man! Man, I can't live like this.

Yeah, I know what you talking about.

Life's a bitch when you ain't got cable.

Baby, what the hell is our furniture doing

out here on the street?

Martin, Luis gave our apartment away.

W-wait a minute, Gina, what you mean

Luis gave our apartment away?

What you mean what do I mean?

Martin, we're ass out, baby.

We don't have any place to live!

Oh, damn!

Get off of me.

Damn! I thought I had it bad.

Uh, l-look here, honey, you gonna need this more than me.

- Thank you. - Tell you what.

I trade you my coat for this couch.

Oh, please.

Yeah, well, no, then on second thought

you-you keep that couch. Girl, it's just ugly.

Well, I don't like your funky jacket!

How about that?

- Hey. - Martin, baby!

Did you catch up with Luis?

Yeah, I caught up with him, but he jumped out

the fourth-floor window, baby.

Baby, this is ridiculous! Why don't we just go to Pam's?

Baby, please, I ain't trying to sleep in no barn.

Besides, you know, we can't leave our stuff here.

All the other homeless people come by and just take it.

I wouldn't worry about that, Martin.

I don't think they like our taste!

Okay, Gina, I tell you what.

Now, we can either go to Pam's or we can call mama.

Whoa, oh, oh, ah, no, no.

No, I got to stop you there, buddy.

No, Martin, you know how she is.

Martin, I would rather freeze to death

than have your mother hurt me.

Please, Gina, it's too damn cold out here.

You'll be too numb to feel the punch.

Martin, no. Look, this is how it's gonna go.

We're not calling your mother, I'm not calling Pam.

We're married, we are in this together, okay?

So just sit down and eat your dinner, please.

Baby, you mean, sitting out here on the street like this?

That's how things, uh, just go sometime.

Yeah.

You know, gotta do what we got to do.

Gina, baby, what is this?

It's dinner. It's a grilled cheese sandwich, Martin.

I ain't eating this, baby.

Martin, do you know how long it took me to melt

that cheese with a cigarette lighter?

You gonna eat that sandwich.

- Alright, alright, alright. - You eat that sandwich.

- Alright, alright. Damn! - It's good?

Yeah, it's good. Ah..

Okay, baby, look. Need a little hot sauce.

Alright. It's only, it's only in the kitchen.

Hey, man, what you doing out here on the street?

Your rating slipped?

Man, go ahead with that, alright?

And wipe your feet when you walk through my living room.

See, now, that's your problem.

You're always in somebody's business.

Well, your cousin didn't mind when I was all up in hers.

She didn't mind 'cause it was for such a short time.

Now just bring your peanut head

all upstairs so we can finish unpacking.

'Wait. Excuse me, excuse me.'

Did you just move into this building?

- Just this morning. - Oh, yeah.

We got that big two-bedroom apartment

up on the fifth floor.

- On the fifth floor? - 'Mm-hmm.'

Wait a minute, that's supposed to be our apartment.

I gave Luis a $100.

Well, we gave him 200, we moved right on in.

You know, rumor has it that some suckers..

...ended up on the street.

Oh, oh, oh, that would be y'all.

Oh, oh. Heh.

Nice place you got here.

- Roomy, plenty of skyline. - Oh, yeah!

And I never seen wall-to-wall cement before.

That's different. Uh, bye! Come on.

Baby, can you believe that the Bookers got our apartment, Gina?

Would you just calm down? Everything's gonna be okay.

- Baby. - Calming down.

Hey, baby, is that Tommy? Uh, that's not his car though.

Wait a minute, that-that sure is Tommy.

- Tommy! - Tommy!

- I say Tommy! - Hey, Tom-Tommy!

- Yo! - Scooby, Scooby-Doo!

Hey, hey, hey. Well, what's up, y'all?

Word on the street is y'all on the street.

- Where'd you hear that, Tommy? - Luis, man.

He down at Nipsey's buying drinks for everybody.

What? Martin, he's buying..

He's buying drinks with our money, baby.

Uh, baby, cool. Look, I got this-this. Be cool.

- Tommy, give me your car keys. - Huh?

Oh, no, man, I can't do that. That's the company car.

- Ah, hey! - Hey, hey, hey.

- Give me the keys, Tommy. - Okay, okay, look, look.

Come, on guys, now if y'all having financial problem

why don't you come to me for a loan, man?

You know I just got a raise down at the job.

You ain't got no job, Tommy!

Uh, uh, hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, hold on, y'all.

I think y'all should be a little less concerned

about my job and more concerned about

where the hell y'all gonna sleep tonight.

Baby, he's right, maybe we should just go upstairs

and beg for our apartment, baby.

Come on, let's just go up there, please.

Damn that, Gina. Please, we ain't begging for a damn thing.

Baby, now look, I got a plan, Gina.

I'mma go up there and I'll rap to the Bookers, okay?

- Tommy, get your dog whistle. - Yeah.

I need you to call Pam.

Well, Fred, now that the Payne's ugly furniture is gone

this place looks real nice.

Yeah, and it sure is quiet.

Baby, I think we made the right decision.

Now, where's that skinny heifer

who's been creeping with my husband?

Ah. Excuse me, you must be mistaken.

We just moved in here today.

Oh, and you don't waste no time, do you?

Well, I won't waste no time creeping your behind!

Just calm down, baby.

It's not like what you think.

Every time we did it, she meant less and less to me.

Lin-Linda, what are they talking about?

Honey, I have no idea.

I have never seen this man before in my life.

That's 'cause I gave it to you with the lights out.

Like Lionel Richie, all night long.

And I'm about to beat you

all night long, so..

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Wait, wait!

Whee! I loves me a jealous woman.

Just turns me on!

Come on, baby.

Honey, there is something very weird going on here.

I'm sure this was a mistake, I assure you, honey

it will not happen again, okay? I'm gonna lock the door.

Uh, e-e-excuse me, uh, who-who are you?

Who am I? And I'm Tommy Dynamite.

I-I came here trying to locate one of my honeys.

I don't know what honeys you're looking for, but they're

not here in this apartment, so if you could just leave, please.

Ho-ho-hold on, what-what you mean they're not here?

Look like I see me a new honey. Hello.

Lord, have mercy!

So how much you want for it?

No, no, no. No, no, no. T-this is no honey right here.

T-this is my wife, okay? She's my honey. Right, honey?

A-and she's not going anywhere with you.

Oh, yeah? Well, I say we let the honey there decide.

- Hey, honey. - N-now..

You look here, Mr. Dynamite, alright

if you don't leave right now, this very, very minute

then I'll, I'll call the police.

Okay, okay, look, look. Ain't no need getting a man involved.

Look, here, let me lay it down for you, Freddy.

Now, see, we can share her

or I can just take her.

See, I cut you in, I can cut you out.

Or I can just cut you.

Fred, honey, this is unbelievable.

Oh, no, no, no, baby, happen like this all the time

around this apartment, every day, all day.

Kaboom!

Guess who stepped up in this room, yo!

What's up? Ha-ha.. What's up, fools?

Yo!

My peeps call me P-funk. Y'all are Martin and Gina?

No, we are not Martin and Gina.

They-they don't live in this apartment anymore, okay?

Pshh!

Don't play games with me, man!

Pretty boy, this ain't no soap opera.

See, the night is young and I am getting restless.

I hurt somebody. Ha-ha-ha..

Excuse me, what is it that you want?

You know damn well what I want! Where's my money?

- W-w-what money? - Uh, uh..

- Look, look, look here, y'all. - Pshh!

If I was y'all, I wouldn't mess with her

'cause P-funk don't play.

You better let 'em know.

- You know her? - Know her?

Hell, I works for her.

And I would, I'd give anything she want, because, you know

P-funk will turn in bad boy.

- Oh, you want some shrimp-- - Give me a shrimp.

Alright. A-a-alright.

Okay, listen, I've had enough

of these shenanigans, okay?

Now, now, if you're looking for money

you're-you're-you're not gonna find it in this apartment.

Yes, I will, 'cause I stashed it myself.

Where's my money?

I ain't leaving without my money.

Yo, yo, I'll turn this place upside down.

Come on, Dynamite, let's go check the bedroom.

Right on. These some good shrimp here, Freddy.

Honey, honey, this would be a very good time to call 9-1-1.

No, no, no, I-I think this is a very good time

for us to pack our bags and leave, okay?

Come on, get your purse, honey. Get your purse.

- Uh, honey! Security assistant. - Huh? Security assistant.

- Okay, go, honey. That way. - Okay, honey.

- Hi! Oh, what the hell? - Hi! Oh!

Hey, I'm sorry, we just came to welcome you to the building.

Yeah, yeah, a little something something

to make you feel at home.

Well, we really appreciate that. But can we talk for a second?

- Oh, sure. - Oh.

- Uh, look, uh, Martin and Gina. - Uh-huh.

Uh, we really don't know how to say this to you

but now we're, yeah, we're moving out.

What you mean you're moving out, man? We had a deal.

Yeah, but you didn't tell us that Tommy Dynamite

and P-funk were part of the deal.

Oh, damn. Oh, you met Tommy Dynamite and P-funk?

Well, look, don't worry, man, they harmless

as long as you give them what they want.

Tommy Dynamite wants my wife.

So what's the problem?

Look, uh, Martin, w-why don't you just go ahead and keep

the rent check, uh, but just let us out of our lease?

- Please, please? - Oh, man, no, no.

I-I couldn't do that. That's against the law.

Well, w-what if we gave you, uh, two months' rent, huh?

Oh, man, that's against the law, too. I can't..

Oh, uh, okay, four months, please.

That's legal!

Look here, what you want us to do with your furniture?

You can keep it. Give her the check.

Just give it to her, baby.

Let's get out, come on, come on.

Well, you, y'all be careful out there.

Look like you saw murder scared.

- Ah! - Ha-ha!

Baby, you are a genius. You got our apartment back.

That's right, you the man, dawg.

Oh, man, you the man. You the man.

It's about time you started thinking like a grown-up now.

Grow three more inches, you'll look like one.

Pam, sit down, you know what

you are looking nice and hot, cool girl.

- Got to. Ah. - Ah..

That's right, you ain't looked that scary

since you starred in "Aliens."

And another thing, if I see you looking at another woman

with them beady eyes of yours, I'm gonna

snatch 'em out your peanut head.

Well, if I got to look at you for the rest of my life

just snatch 'em, just pull 'em out..

Well, alright, well, just give me--

Oh, oh, oh! Huh..

Alright, it's over. The couple is gone.

We got our apartment back. Alright, y'all chill.

Well, the hell if it is over, me and my husband

fight like this all the time.

I don't know about that, but I tell you what

I can take y'all to dinner for helping us

get our apartment back.

And you know, better yet, I'mma take you

to the nicest restaurant in Detroit.

- Whoo! - Martin, I like that.

- I just love my new neighbor. - You are good people.

- Alright, I'mma go get my coat. - Okay, yeah.

'Cause it's gonna be good food, gonna be good food.

Yo, I got to admit, shorty, we always argue

but you came through this time, brah.

It ain't nothing but love, girl, it ain't nothing but love.

Martin!

Yeah. Yeah, baby.

Baby, that is really nice of you

taking our friends out to dinner.

And to a fine restaurant at that. I'm scared of you.

Hey, well, look, Gina, hey, they had our backs, I got their back.

But, Gina, I need to ask you something.

What time does the drive-through at Hoochie Burger close?

- That's right. - That's where they goin'.

- That's where they.. - Okay.

Ah..

You know, you got-got the idea there. Okay. Here we go.