Original subtitles

Alright, okay..

- Alright. - There it is.

It's all fixed.

Martin, if this all fixed

what're all these parts doing on the floor?

Gina, we don't need 'em.

Baby, they always give you extra pieces.

I don't know about this, Martin.

I'm calling the maintenance man on this one.

No, no. Louis takes too long.

Plus, I can't wait six months to use the toilet.

- Alright, Martin, you're right. - Check it out.

See, it's all good, baby.

Oh, excuse me.

- Oh! - Oh.

Oh..

What is that?

Look at me.

Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

- Martin! - What?

That wasn't me. You know that's the toilet

it sounds like it's about to hurl something.

- Oh.. - Ah!

Oh, damn!

Hello? Is Louis there?

We need to get our toilet fixed.

Oh, you don't speak English?

Um, well, can you tell Louis

that there's aqua everywhere?

And, that, uh, we need our toilet fixed

el...fasto.

Bye-bye. That didn't work at all.

Coming.

- Hey, good girl. - Hey, good girl.

You know what? I need a big favor.

What's up? What you need?

Well, can you borrow some candy bars from me?

They're only a dollar each and it's for a good cause.

Sure, Pam.

You're doing charity work, now, girl?

That's nice.

What you need? How many you need me to buy?

5,000.

5,000?

You're kidding me, right?

No, Gina, I'm serious.

If I don't get this money by next week

they gonna take everything I got.

Everything.

What, who do you owe? Pam, the mob?

No, worse, Gina.

The IRS.

I just got a letter this week

saying that I owe them five grand.

And I don't know where I'mma get it.

Oh, Pam!

Aye, Gina, where's Louis?

The water in the bathroom is knee deep, baby.

You better be careful, shorty.

You might drown.

- I'm trying to fix the toilet-- - I'm in a bad mood.

Sweetie, sweetie, not now.

She, she, she got problems, baby.

She needs $5,000.

Five thou..

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What did you do?

You getting sued for bitin' somebody?

Very funny.

The IRS says that I'm behind in taxes.

Well, how far behind are you, Pam?

Let me see, um..

When did Papa Rain come out?

Pam! That was 1984.

You haven't paid taxes since then?

Well, Gina, look. How am I supposed to pay the government

if I'm gonna keep my hair tight?

Well, I hope they do weaves in the joint.

'Cause that's where you going.

A-weav-a-derci.

- Shh.. - Pam.

- Martin, now she has problems. - You know you've to pay taxes.

You've been actin' like you don't know.

I got your message.

I heard you got a broken stove?

Man, that was three months ago.

We fixed that.

Now, my toilet's broke.

Broken toilet.

I'm gonna have to put you to the bottom of our waiting list.

Man, you're gonna be waiting for an avalanche

if you don't get in there and fix my toilet.

I might as well fix it, since it's the last thing

I'll be able to do for you.

Why? Are you getting fired?

I wish. I got a letter from immigration today.

They can't verify my citizenship

so it looks like I'll be making a run for the border.

Well, damn! Well, since you're going

bring me back a taco, a burrito supreme..

- Baby, you want somethin'? - Um, no thank you.

No, I'm talking about a real run for the border.

I'm being deported.

I know these people are serious.

They just deported a friend of mine to Mexico.

- Wow. - Dang, that's jacked up.

Especially, since he was from Canada.

I'm gonna miss all of you.

- Damn! - Oh..

- Everybody's got problems, huh? - Hmm-hmm.

- Louis, you being deported. - Hmm.

Pam-E-coyote.

You about to go to jail.

Congratulations, I hear jail is a very good college.

Oh, Louis, not Yale.

Jail.

Prison.

The big house.

I owe $5,000 in back taxes.

$5,000?

I might be able to give you that.

You can?

- What's the catch? - Me. I'm the catch.

I need you to marry me.

Me marry you?

You must El Pollo Loco.

Y'all hear him over here talking his best?

No. I'm serious.

I need to marry an American to stay in the country.

Woah, woah!

Wait a minute, Louis.

You can't marry a donkey.

What the kids gonna look like?

They'll look like you, only taller.

- I'm about two minutes-- - Yo, I'm trying to--

- And go right there. - Hey.

Louis, Pam is my best friend.

I knew she wouldn't even go for anything like that, okay?

Pam, would you get over here and tell the man..

How soon can you get the cash, amigo?

Pam!

Come on, Gina, what's the big deal?

The marriage will just be on paper,

I get to pay back the IRS.

I get to stay in the country.

Hey, and I get rid of Pam

and get my toilet fixed, so y'all work it out.

- Alright. Excuse me. - Hola.

- Yeah. - Hola.

You know what, man? I always thought

Pam was gonna end up with Tommy.

Cole, they ain't getting married for real, man.

I mean, it's real, but it ain't real.

Right, right, okay, kinda like Michael and Lisa Marie.

- Right? - Yeah, yeah.

Something like that, okay? Something like that.

Oh, Louis, my nephew is getting married.

That woman better be good to him because he's a very good man.

Yes, he is. And so is Pam.

Go right down that way.

Wipe your tears.

Wipe your tears.

Look, Pam, I know your wedding is a scam and all

but what if you meet somebody

that you really wanna be with tomorrow?

What about that, Pam? Tell me.

Gina, just because I'm married

doesn't mean that I can't date.

That last comment, I'm not gonna even talk about it.

Excuse me?

I want to talk to my future wife about our honeymoon.

Uh, come here for a second. Listen.

There ain't gonna be no foolin' around between you and me.

So, stop worryin' about the honeymoon

and get me money, soon.

Ah, yes, I have your money right here.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. This is only half of it.

Where-where's the rest of my money, man?

You get the rest after the marriage is official.

- Ah! - You know what?

I'm gonna let you two love birds handle your business secrets.

I can't take this, I can't take it!

So, Pam, how about a little, little good luck kiss?

How do you say "no" in Spanish?

No.

Whoop, there it is.

- Hey. - Oh, hola.

- Hola. - What's happenin' there?

- Alright. - What's up, Martin?

Nipsey, what you doin' in here, man?

Oh, Cole, hired me to cater at the reception

where should I set up the buffet?

I know damn well that ain't all the food you brought, man.

Where's the rest of the food?

Oh, I ate some of them on the way over here.

Man, just set up over there on the counter, Thick Van Axel.

Where's the minister? I wanna get this over with.

Okay, calm down, he'll be here in a minute, alright?

Alright, alright, I'm here, let's get this charade started.

Tommy is performing the ceremony?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he's an ordained minister.

See, he took classes at the Y.

He can marry people and do the back stroke.

Go ahead, Tommy.

He seems upset.

Well, he used to be Pam's owner, before you.

Alright, somebody start the music, go.

Which reminds me..

...y'all got some white wine?

- Go ahead, Gina. - What, no.

- Hey, Nips, what's up, baby? - What's up, Pam?

So, how's it goin'?

- Oh, it's alright, Pam. - This is alright?

- Yeah, ma'am. - Hmm.

Hey, girl, I've seen you before.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, Pam, you wanna hurry up?

We gotta do this thing. I ain't got all day.

Well, I like to talk to people, this is my day.

This is my day!

- My day! - Alright, now.

We are gathered here today..

...dearly deported..

I mean, beloved.

We are gathered here to join these two phonies

in holy matrimony.

Watch yourself, Tommy.

Right.

Louis

you take Pam to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Si.

- See what? - That means yes.

Why the hell didn't you just say yes?

- 'Cause I didn't ask you-- - Why the hell you a minister?

Aye, fellas, aye!

Tommy, you a minister.

Yeah, I know, I was about to lay hands on him, too.

Tommy, calm down.

Alright, I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Amen.

Pam

do you take Louis here

to be your unlawfully wedded husband?

As long as he got that check, I do.

Anybody here, like me

agree that, you know, they shouldn't be getting married?

Oh, they look so beautiful together.

But I sure hope the children don't get her D's.

I still can't believe Pam is marryin' a man for $5000.

Now $5500, I can understand.

Damn!

I should have asked for an extra $500.

The thought you have reached is not in service, at this time.

And there is no new thought available.

I can't wait till this is over.

I'm gonna knock her boots from here to Albuquerque.

This is amazing.

I can't believe..

...how good Pam looks in that wedding dress.

Man, please.

Hey, hey, hey, so what's up, y'all?

Ain't nobody gonna speak their mind in here?

Damn!

I don't think y'all should be doin' this.

By the power..

...invested in me by the YMCA..

...I know pronounce you..

Well, I-I now pronounce you--

Chico and the man, come on.

That'll be $5.

$5? I thought this was a open bar.

It is a open bar. If you got $5, it's open.

Yeah!

Woo-hoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

Ah!

- Ah. Hey. Whoo! - Hey, baby.

Baby, don't you think you should make a toast or something?

- You're right, Boo, you right. - I got it.

Okay, uh, can I have everybody's attention, please?

I'd like to propose a toast.

Well, alright. Well, alright.

Some toast, now, that's what I'm talking about.

Some real food up in here.

You know..

To...the bride and the groom.

And for those of you who are confused

Pam is the bride.

What, baby?

Martin, would you please be nice?

Oh, don't even worry about it, Gina.

I mean, Martin climbed down all the way down that wedding cake

to make this toast.

Ah-ha, ah-ha. You wild.

You wild.

Ah..

Now, uh.. Ahem.

I gotta say, uh..

I've, uh, I've known Pam for a long time.

You know, we always haven't seen eye to eye.

That's because I couldn't bend down that low.

I'm tryin' to be nice.

- Okay? - I don't care. I'm ready to go!

So, let me be the first to say..

Pam...Louis..

...may y'all have a happy life.

- Yeah. - Whoo!

And one big litter.

- Martin. - I said it.

I said it.

At a weddin', I said it!

Pam..

Hey, Gina, look.

It's gettin' late, baby. These people got to roll.

Come on, Martin, it's Pam's wedding.

Everybody's having a great time. Come on, baby.

Alright, look, don't worry, I'll be nice about it, okay?

I-I won't offend nobody.

- Alright, Martin. - Okay?

- Alright, that's my baby. - Mwah. Okay. Here you go.

- Thank you. - Hold that for me. Mwah.

Excuse me.

I need everybody's attention once again.

I need everybody on this side of the apartment

to move to the outside of the apartment.

You ain't got to go home

but you got to get the hell out of here.

- Peace. - You know, that was offensive.

- Martin-- - Peace.

- I'm sorry. - Good day.

Bye-bye, everybody, thanks for coming.

Alright.

Bye-bye.

Thank you, mwah.

Congratulations.

Louis, it was a beautiful wedding.

Alright, I'll see y'all later.

Wait a minute, where you goin'?

I got a date.

You can't go out on a date in your wedding dress.

Oh, no, don't worry, I got that covered.

Oh, you know what, since I'm leaving

you might as well give me rest of my cash.

Pam, you can't go out on a date.

What do you mean? I did my part. I got married, didn't I?

It's not official yet. This is not over.

Immigration is coming over tomorrow morning

to make sure this marriage is legit. Once all of that is over

I'll give you the rest of your money. I promise.

See, now, this is gonna cost you extra.

- I gave you 5-- - Come up off the dough!

Uh, Louis...don't you think

you brought enough stuff up in here?

I just want the investigator to believe I really live with Pam.

Well, I don't know if he gonna believe it, but

damn sure don't look like a cave no more, I'll tell you that.

Martin.

Pam, come on out, now.

The investigator will be here any minute.

'Forget it! I'm not coming out in this outfit.'

Girl, you better come out here

as much money as he's invested, now, girl, get on out here.

- Gina. - What?

$5,000 ain't worth me lookin' ridiculous.

You're right. Lose the sombrero.

Pam, it's only gonna take a few minutes.

So, just do it and get it over with.

That's right, Pam. Then we gonna set you

free in the wild, girl. Let you just go wild.

- That's our officer, Martin. - That's him, the investigator.

- Come on, let's go. - Alright, look.

Remember, okay, if you run into trouble, we got your back.

- We got your back. - Is the picture straight?

- Okay. - Alright, that'll look tight.

Okay.

Welcome to mi casa, Me crib es su crib.

Muchos gracias.

I'm Wayne Philips, department of Immigration.

- You must be Louis? - Yes.

And this is my lovely American wife, Pam.

We're happily married. Thank you very much for coming.

- Adios. - Hold on.

I have a few questions I'd like to ask first.

- Who are they? - Oh, they?

Um, they are friends, the Payne's.

They were witnesses at our wedding

and Louis and I have known them since we first met.

- Yeah. - Hmm-hmm.

Now, where exactly was it that you met?

Ah, they met at the Million man march.

Sorry.

- Oh, no. No. - Stupid.

I'm sorry. He's-he's joking.

He meant they met in March.

Alright, well, thanks for coming.

Ah, here's the door right here, so..

I'll be leaving as soon as I finish the investigation.

Now, uh, how long were you two engaged before you got married?

- Five years. - Six months.

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

Well, we've known each other for six months

but it feels like five years.

And, that's because, being with Pam is like doin' hard time.

Nobody was talkin' to you, shorty by nature.

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Philips, I'm sorry.

I-I really don't understand why you're even

doing this investigation.

Actually, we found it very coincidental

that you two got married two days after we informed

Louis he was going to be deported.

Oh, no, no, no. Louis and I have been

planning out wedding for ages.

Yo, that's right. I mean, all Pam

ever talked about was getting married.

And getting a new leash on life.

Don't mind him, Mr. Philips. He's just a little bitter.

He was too short to be our ring-bearer!

Shut up!

Speaking of rings, why aren't you two wearing any?

You know, that's a damn good question.

Excuse me for a minute. Louis, sweetheart.

Uh, you were supposed to get the rings.

No, mi amor, you were supposed to get the rings.

No, no, see that's where the problem lies.

You don't pay attention to me.

No, no, don't be talking that mess up here.

I don't know all that gala-gala.

No, this is an English house.

I've seen all I need to see.

Alright, alright, look, get to the point.

'Cause I got somewhere to be. Did they pass or not?

You kidding? The way these two argue?

They got to be married.

- Yes! - Whoo!

- I'm so happy I-- - Whoo!

Damn, Louis.

I didn't know you had it like that, pumpy.

Me neither.

Oh, so, Mr. Philips, uh

thank you for coming, and, uh..

Oh-oh, Mr. Philips, uh-huh

it was nice to have met you.

Ah, the pleasure was all mine, Miss, uh?

- James. - No, that's your maiden name.

- What's your new last name? - Oh, she knows it. It's--

Let your wife answer, Louis.

Of course, I know my last name.

Um, Gonzales.

Garcia?

Ricardo?

Does that mean we failed?

Of course, you failed.

If you don't know your husband's last name

the marriage can't be real.

Louis, I'm afraid you're gonna have to be deported.

- Damn! - Louis, I'm so sorry.

Damn, partner, I'mma miss you, man.

Me, too, Louis. I'mma miss you, too.

Does that mean you're gonna pay me my money back in pesos?

Louis, I promise to pay you all your money back.

Forget it, Pam. A deal's a deal.

I appreciate what you did for me.

Mm. Thanks.

Yeah, and I appreciate it if you take it to Mexico with you.

- Shut up, Martin. - Girl, I'm just playin'.

Gimme a dollar.

Louis, I think this is a wedding present that you forgot to open.

- Oh, it's from my mom. - Oh.

"Dear son, this picture is my gift to you

and your new bride. Love, Mommy and Papi."

Oh, who's this one with the baby?

- That's my ma, and that's me. - Ooh.

But that's not Papi.

Oh, my mom was living foul.

Woah, wait a minute, wait a minute.

There's some writing on the back.

"Louis Mama and Doctor Brady.

New York Hospital, one day after delivery."

New York Hospital?

Louis, do you know what this means?

- Baby, it means he's one of us. - Yeah!

You mean, I'm African-American?

No, Louis, it means you're a US citizen.

You don't have to be deported.

Whoa! Woo-hoo-ho!

- Oh, that's so good. - Yay, Louis!

- Yes, how can I ever.. - Yeah.

Ever, ever show my appreciation?

Hey, how about taking your wife out to dinner?

For real?

Yeah, I thought maybe we could go out once before

our marriage is annulled.

- I know just the place. - Go.

- Let's go. - Uh..

Uh, Louis, let me holler at you for a second.

Let me holler, second.

You better get separate checks.

Taking Pam out could be very expensive.

You know she got an extra roll of teeth?

You mean, she eats a lot, huh?

No, she clamp down on your ass, man, you'll get Rabies.