Original subtitles

Pam, I can't believe it, only three days till the wedding.

I just feel like everything is gonna be perfect.

It is, girl. It is.

- Would you get that for me? - Sure.

Hit it!

Jerome, what are you doin' here, man?

Oh, wow, hold on, slow your roll there

junk in the trunk

speed bump rump.

Can I takes a peek?

Now, word on the street is

Redbones and big mouth

stopped shackin' up.

And you're gettin' hitched.

Is it true what they say, Redbone?

- Is it true what they say? - Yes, Jerome, and..

So, what's the matter?

You can't call nobody?

Where's my invite, Mellow Yellow?

Uh, uh, yeah I-I didn't know where to send it.

Well, don't stress.

'Cause Romey Romey ain't got no address.

Well, is there anything else that you want?

Yes, there is, but not with you, Red.

Look at you.

If you wanna get with a winner

why don't you drop that bonehead chicken dinner

won't you drop him!

What do you mean by that, Jerome?

What do you mean what I mean?

I'm talkin' about me and you

doin' the double ring thing, junk.

Look, after-after Gina

a-a-and big ears stroll down the aisle

me and you just slide on in right behind 'em.

I do. Yes I'll marry her.

Sure I do. I'll make the base, I'll make the ride.

You see what I'm sayin'? What I'm sayin'.

Jerome, mm-mmm.

Okay, look, I even wrote my own vows.

Would anyone like to hear 'em?

- Not particularly. - Would you like to hear 'em?

Please hear the vows that I've written.

Alright, Jerome. Fine.

Alright.

Okay, I'd say in these vows

that I promise to love

honor, obey

and hit it twice everyday.

Even four times on Sunday.

What do you mean you can't do my hair?

I can't walk down the aisle like this.

You're booked up?

Look, please, I do not care about a convention, okay, lady?

I need somebody...hello.

She hung up on me. Everything is going bad.

Just calm down, Gina.

You know what, I think I could hook you up.

No, no, no, don't touch me.

I need a professional, okay?

And I think I know where to go.

No, no. Don't tell me you gonna ask Shanaynay.

I ain't got no place else to go.

Oh, you are desperate.

Rosko.

Baby, what's wrong?

Is it true that-that you're gettin' married?

Oh, baby. Yeah.

What's up? What's wrong with you?

You love him?

Yes, booby, I love him. I do.

- You happy? - I'm happy.

But we'll still be friends, sweetheart.

We'll always be friends.

My mama told me.

It just came as a... shock.

Rosko, you could always come over

you know you come over uninvited all the time.

You could still do that.

Can I ask a favor?

Wh-wh-what do you want? You can have it.

Have my baby.

What?

I-I'm drinkin' a lot of milk

and I'm growin' everyday.

Boy, you ain't growin' in the right places

Just get off my door.

- Just get away from me. - But I love you.

- And I just wanna be with you. - Obsessed little creature!

Get away. You gon' help me or somethin'?

Get-get off my..

I love you.

...door! Get off my door.

I can't even go out there to get my hair done now.

Rosko's not finished.

And you will see me again.

Later... later.

Yep, this is gonna be the worst!

Later.

Oh, no, see, but you don't understand.

See, Shanynay just invented three new weaves. Okay?

Now this one is the "You must got some

Indian in your family" weave.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, girl, that is bad.

- You like that? - Mm-hmm.

Good, good.

Now, this one here

is the "Your man just got his check" wave.

Ooh, gonna make Deandre buy me this one.

And so what you do is wear that to like promotions

special events, that kind..

Hold up, okay?

If I did not get there yet

then wait till I get there.

- Who that? - I mean that's just rude.

Can't nobody get to the door no faster

than J could get there.

- ...knock. - 'Mm-mmm'

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

Well, lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie.

If it ain't Stinky

and the little rascal.

Shanaynay look. I-I don't know how to ask you this, okay?

Look, Shanaynay, we need our hair

and our nails done for the weddin', okay?

Nobody else in town can do it.

- They're booked. - Hold-hold on. Wait a minute.

Hold on, I didn't even get an invite

to to your little wedding, okay?

And so you're just gonna come up here

and ask me to do your hairs.

No, you must be out your damn mind.

- Oh. - A-a-alright!

W-would you like to come?

- Yeah. - No, that's not the way th..

D-did all your other guests get invitations like that.

Did they get invited like that?

Shanaynay wants to be invited..

... a little nicer.

I wanna be invited a little nicer.

Just invite her nicely. Just do it.

Alright, Shanaynay, Shanaynay.

Would you please...grace

your presence at my wedding?

That would be nice..

...for you to come.

Sorry, but I can't.

I can't make it.

Your invitation is too late.

Did not come quick enough.

Put a stamp on it in the mail

and leave it in the mailbox

'Cause it did not come quick enough.

I would come, but I'mma be at the Detroit

toe-nail decorating competition, okay?

Look, Shanaynay, just-just do us this favor, alright?

No, you know why?

Because you never really tell Shnaynay

how good I am.

How good am I?

I said how good am I?

You know it's very hard for me to do these things.

- Alright, alright. - Come on.

- Say it! - Okay, Shanaynay!

You're the best hairstylist in the whole wide world.

Aww. Wow!

Thank you, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Y-you really are.

Turn around let me look under..

- Ugh. - Please.

Wh- I mean you couldn't perm that down first

before you asked me to come over here and do it?

Okay, alright, uh. Well, what is it that you want then?

I mean do you want a jheri curl?

- Uh, afro puffs, what, Gina? - No, no.

I need somethin' really flashy and I need somethin'

really special for my wedding day, okay?

Shanaynay, just do Gina's hair and do my nails

and don't mess us up.

Don't be threatenin' me.

Because can't nobody mess you up

mother nature already did that.

Voila.

I mean, all done.

- Are you sure? - Uh-uh.

You gon' let her get married lookin' like that?

What, what do I look like..

Oh, my God. It's beautiful!

Shanaynay, this is beautiful!

Well, it is all alright

considerin' who's head it's on.

Thank you so much, girl, I really appreciate it.

- You are so sweet. - Wait, wait a minute.

Don't you think you're oversteppin' your bounds?

Don't get dropped, okay?

Be at your wedding with none of these, none of these.

Hey, hey, come on in.

Now, hurry up, hurry up, come on in

before somebody decides to..

Okay, let me find a..

- Excuse me, Excuse me. - Gina.

- Yeah. - Who are all these people?

Oh, my God.

These are all Martin's relatives.

There are no more hotel rooms

because of some stupid convention, so..

We'll sleep in the car if we have to

but we're definitely aren't stayin' in here.

- Yes, w-we'll find some place. - No, you guys.

- I'll find a place. - No, no, no, this is a--

Whoa. Oh, dang!

Mr. Waters and Mrs. waters.

Hello, excuse me.

- Uh, uh, baby. - What?

Damn. All your relatives?

I don't know any of these people.

I thought they were your family.

My family? I don't know none of these people.

Ain't no kin to me.

Well ain't no kin to me, babe. I'll find out. Hold on.

Partner! Whoa, whoa, whoa, partner, partner, man.

- Who are you? - Hey, now.

We's the big country Paynes.

Now we got some ham hocks, some pig feet.

Now, you'll never go to nobody's house

without bringin' 'em somethin'.

And we are the Motherland Payne.

Is this the only bathroom you've got?

Oh, oh, you mean to tell me

they don't have no bathrooms on the plane from the motherland?

No. And the flight was 18 hours.

But don't worry, we brought our own incense.

Look, look, just handle your business, man.

Alright? J-just do what you gotta do. Whatever.

Got this.

- Sonny. - Whassup, cuz?

- How you doin', dawg? - Hey!

- Alright. - Okay.

Alright, Sonny, don't start it. Be cool.

- I was just lookin'. - Okay.

- Gina? Baby, this is crazy. - Yeah.

I thought we were gonna have a small weddin', baby.

Your mama invited every Payne in the world, okay?

You don't see any of my family sittin' up in here.

Compton Payne's in the hiz-house.

You know what? It's time to get to steppin'.

- We gotta get to steppin'. - Fine, I'm outta here.

- We outta here. - Bye, have fun.

Hey, y'all can have the cri-zib.

Eddy Murphy! That's Eddy Murphy, baby.

Hey, I just loved you in "Coming to Africa"

Gina, if one more uninvited person comes up

to our family dinner, baby, I'm goin' off.

Baby, just be nice, okay?

- It's almost over. - But I'm tryin'.

Anyway, where's your mother?

Uh, s-she couldn't make it. She had to get her car fixed.

Martin, she doesn't have a car.

Alright, Gina, baby. She don't like you.

Cousin, JT and his two wives just rolled into town.

Is it alright if they come to the party?

No. No, no, l-let me restate that.

Hell no!

Martin says it's alright. Come in, man.

Thanks a lot, Martin, you know your television show

is sure enough the word on the street.

Watch your dinner. Let's go, ladies.

Excuse me, excuse me

can I have everybody's attention please?

I'd like to propose a toast

to my best friend Gina.

Aww.

May tomorrow be the happiest day of your life.

- And to Martin. - Yeah.

Try not to show up so she can enjoy it.

Oh, y'all cold.

- Clink, clink, baby. - Clink, clink.

Well, uh, I wanna thank you too, Pam.

For cuttin' your hibernation short.

I know the grizzly's like to sleep all year long.

Aha. Hear ye, hear ye.

Well, I wanna thank all y'all who, who were invited.

And all you freeloaders whose asses weren't invited.

I wanna thank you anyhow.

But most of all, I wanna toast my bride.

Here's to you, boo.

- I love you, baby. - I love you too, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

Alright now, alright now it's my turn.

I wanna make a toast

to all the lovely ladies up in here.

And especially to the Waters women.

Y'all know y'all got some big 'ol corn fat asses on you.

Oooh-wee!

Gina, I'm sorry honey

but some of these Paynes are disgusting.

Yeah, they got the right last name. "Payne."

Hey, what you say about pain? You want some pain?

- I'll give you some-- - Wait, wait, wait, hold up.

Hold up, fool!

Them's my people.

Don't make me jump you.

Little Compton is definitely in the hiz-house.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hold on! - Stop!

I said hold.

Alright, alright, alright, alright?

Alright!

- Thank you baby. - Aha.

Okay, now damn it.

This is about me and my wife to be, okay?

Y'all ain't gon' be fightin' up in here.

Now everybody, please take a seat

and let's eat like family.

- Sit down, daddy. - Ease it, Mr. Waters.

Youse a grown man.

Come on, Mr. Waters. Damn.

- Big country, cut it out, man! - Dad!

Sit down. Sit down now.

- Sit down. - Sit down.

Before I be a member of this family

I'll start cappin' in here.

So, finally the big day, huh?

- You nervous? - Please, Tommy.

- What's my name? - Now, that's my boy!

No, I'm serious man, what is my name?

Why am I..

Martin, I can refresh your memory.

You're the eighth dwarf Nappy, remember?

Not now, okay? Please, this is not a good time.

I don't come messin' with you on groundhog day, do I?

- She won't stop. - Why you wanna stop me?

- You know how-- - I didn't even say nothin'.

I have pressure of marriage, okay!

I'm about to take on somethin' much bigger.

Can't you understand?

Excuse me, but I-I think you're sittin' on the wrong side.

Now, you don't wanna tell me where to sit.

'Cause I'd get up on you like a pair of tight draws.

You want some of this, boy? Oh, you're goin' down.

Hold on. Come on, now. Come on!

Y'all gettin' ready to fight again.

Dr. Waters, you're a grown man. Suck it up, man.

Push that.. man ignore 'em, that's big country, man.

Big country, kill that, man.

Damn.

- Grown men. - I'm serious.

Baby, if it's gonna be like this today

can y'all imagine what it's gon' be like

at our wedding tomorrow, can you imagine?

I am not tryin' to see what it's gonna look like

at the weddin' tomorrow, especially if it's like this.

Girl, I told you I will get with you

at next Friday's bingo game.

Good evenin', everybody.

Martin, uh, you and your posse

can go on and step to your places.

Reverend, okay.

But you ain't got to be sayin'

me and my posse, okay?

You and your little buddies. Whatever.

Now take this onion head boy, too.

Alright, you're lucky we use you at the weddin'.

Be cool. Okay, baby.

I love you. We gon' do this. Ain't gon' be no more fights.

- Praise the Lord. - 'Right.'

Love you. Okay, everybody calm.

See you later, Nappy. Holler at you.

- Okay? - You give me my check.

Okay, but you take.. you'll get your money

you take care, man.

Baby girl, would you and the bridal party

kindly take your place.

We're going.

Oh! Boom shaka laka.

But, uh, Martin's mother hasn't arrived yet.

While we are waiting for Mother Payne

I would like to address the congregation.

As you know, the uh, photographs that have been circulatin'

in the tabloids..

I just wanna let y'all know that's not me.

That's my cousin Budro. We look awful lot alike.

I-I'm totally innocent.

Uh, uh. H-here she is, here she is.

Mama Payne, my favorite cousin. Come on in here, girl.

Oh, dear. I hope she doesn't make a scene.

Oh, my. Hi!

My babies, my cousins, hi!

Lord, I'm here for my baby's wedding rehearsal.

He's gettin' married. I can't believe it!

Good, God! I didn't think it could get any worse.

I heard that, duck!

Don't make me get the cut.

Don't make me go to a funeral and a weddin'

in the same damn day.

You back up off of my man.

You want some? I'll cut you, too.

Come on, come on!

Sit your asses down, everybody!

Oh, lord! Done got my pressure all up.

I know, mama.

- Watch it, watch it. - Okay.

Oh, don't push me, alright? Whoo!

Alright. Kick up with the music. Let's start now.

Martin, Tommy, y'all come out, now.

Martin, Tommy?

Uh, your turn, Gina.

Why is my shnookums?

Damn it!

Where's my Martin?

Where's my Martin?

Hey, look y'all. L-l-l-look at this, here.

Martin, Gina, Tommy and Pam

done rolled up out of here and left this note.

"Dear friends and family.

"Since you all can't get along

"we decided to move along.

We out!"

Oh, Lord!

She done stole my boy and left the country!

Oh..

Mama Payne, mama Payne.

It's gonna be alright.

Little apple head

has stole my boy.

Damn, damn, damn!