Original subtitles

Hey! Hey, baby.

We'll go to a roller rink for the skating party.

We can even call Tommy and Pam.

Oh, no, baby. No, please. I can't do that. No.

I'm not trying to be around baldy and the beast tonight.

So what are you gonna do tonight, Martin?

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Shoo, baby, I was thinking, I'm gonna sit around here

and probably watch me some "Def Jam."

Hey, you know, they got some talented brothers

coming up out of there. I ain't gonna lie to you.

Martin, that's all you're gonna do?

No. No, then I'm gonna watch a little National Geographic.

You never can be up on your "Wild Kingdom" stuff enough.

You know what I mean, never know

when you're gonna run into a wild animal.

Hey, y'all. Wazzup?

See what I mean?

I know you're gonna wish us a happy anniversary.

- Anniversary? - Yeah.

That's right, dawg.

Tommy and I have been together for six wonderful months.

Oh, congratulations, Pam.

Isn't that nice?

Oh! Six months?

Now, that must be a long time in Pam years, huh?

Congratulations!

I'd like to propose a toast to Tommy and Pam.

Martin. Martin!

Yeah, yeah..

Yeah, yeah, baby. Not now.

Baby, this is the part where Weezie thinks

uh-uh, George and Florence are knocking boots.

Yeah. Yeah, George wasn't moving on up.

He was pushing on up, baby..

Go on with that, George. Go ahead, now.

To our best friends, Tommy and Pam

on their six-month anniversary.

Hear, hear.

Hear, hear, hear, hear!

To the love of my life.

Like a sweet-smelling flower, you've blossomed in my heart.

- Gina, look what he got me! - Oh.

For our anniversary. Isn't that beautiful?

Oh, Martin, come on, baby, don't you wanna see

what Pam got for her anniversary?

What you got there, Pam, a new chew toy?

Why I gots to know what it is?

Anyway, Tommy's taking me on a trip.

We're going away for the weekend. Right, baby?

That's right.

Got a nice, quiet room right next to the ocean.

Oh, wow.

Martin..

...we haven't been to the ocean in a long time.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

- Fun? - Yeah.

Gina, what the hell do I want to go to the ocean

and watch free Pammy do tricks for raw fish?

Why? Why would I wanna see that?

I don't even wanna talk to you.

Look, Martin.

Don't take out your frustrations on me, man.

It's not my fault you stopped growing

after the sixth grade.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Anyway.

Nobody's going to ruin my good mood. You know why?

'Cause my baby's taking me on a horse and carriage ride, dawg.

That's right, and it's waiting downstairs.

We better make that move, baby.

- Okay, baby. - Oh, oh, oh.

Wait a minute, waiting downstairs?

Well, uh, why don't you just call down to it?

Don't you speak horse?

That's very funny, little man.

Now, why don't you go take a nap in your shoe box?

- Don't.. - We'll see y'all later.

- Honey, you didn't have to be.. - Okay..

Yeah, don't make no sense see us later

about the shoe box thing.

Baby, I was thinking maybe we should do something special.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Really, Martin? - Yeah, that's right, girl.

Shoo, we ain't gonna be sitting around here

on this couch watching no TV all night.

I was figuring we go in the bedroom and watch a little TV.

Oh, well, excuse me.

Look at the horsy. Congratulations, Pam!

Goodbye!

I'll be right here

doing nothing

as usual!

Baby, you got a problem with me?

'Cause it sounds like the funk coming out

of your voice, on a deep, deep level.

And that's hurting me because

I'm thinking the problem is with me.

Huh? Is it with me?

- No! - Oh, okay.

No, Martin, I'm not trying to tell you

that I am tired of staying home every night.

I'm not trying to tell you that, and I'm not trying to tell you

that I have never been

on a horse and carriage ride in all my life.

Well, good, good.

'Cause horse and carriage rides

don't come through the damn ghetto.

Alright, now, get that through your head

and don't ask me about it no more.

Okay, girl. Now, now, let's sit here and watch it.

Baby Andy Griffith. Look at him. Phew.

Oh, Andy Griffith.

Baby, you ever notice..

Wasn't no brothers up in Mayberry.

You know, I mean, we never did see Opie's mother

unless Opie was a victim of the swirl.

Do you think he's got a little soul in him?

Oh! Oh!

You going to jump me like that on a sneak tip?

Man, you know, my baby just seems like..

I don't know, Tommy, I don't know what's her problem lately.

She acts like she got a lot on her mind.

Running around here with her mouth all poked out.

You know, maybe she needs a change of scenery, man.

What do you mean, maybe she needs a change of scenery?

We just got the cabinets painted, man.

Ain't that enough scenery?

No, no. I mean, maybe you need to take her away somewhere.

I mean, Pam and I, we flying off for the weekend.

Well, good. Both of y'all can fit on her broom, can't you?

- Hey, baby! - Hey, sweetie.

I missed you.

- Hi, Martin. - Hey, baby.

I got your "TV Guide," your TV Dinners.

There's the TV. You set for life, brother.

Thank you, thank you. You're always looking out for me.

Um, Martin, where-where's Cole?

I don't know, Cole's in the bedroom on the phone

running up my bill.

Cole! Off my phone, please, man!

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Alright, Shirley. Yo, I'll see you in a minute, alright?

Alright, girl.

With your big self.

Woof!

Hey, look, y'all, yo, I got to roll.

I got to go, uh, pick up Big Shirley

from football practice. Yeah.

We going on a little vacation this weekend

taking a tour of Curly Fry Convention in Chicago.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.

Tommy, you're taking Pam to a resort

and, Cole, you're taking Big Shirley to Chicago

for a Curly Fry Convention?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's gonna be all that.

You know I got the connections with the airlines, right?

I could hook you and Martin up with a ticket if you want.

Y'all ain't afraid to fly with no laboratory monkeys, are you?

We ain't flying with no damn laboratory monkeys, man.

Alright, cool. I was just offering.

Have fun, y'all. I'm out.

I-I like monkeys.

Maybe we should be going too, baby.

Yeah, that's right, baby, we do have a lot to do.

We gotta get our airline tickets, our passports

our travelers' checks.

You know what I mean, Gina?

Uh-oh. My bad.

I bet y'all do got a lot to do.

It must be hard trying to find

a traveling cage Pam's size, huh?

We will see you when we get back.

- 'Oh, see you.' - Yeah.

- Yeah. Later. - Bye.

- Got a little surprise for you. - What?

I was thinking maybe we should go somewhere special.

What do you think? Do you..

- Us go somewhere? - Yes, us go somewhere.

Sit on down here, girl.

Alright, now.

I've been planning this trip

kind of for a long time

but I wanted to surprise you, so..

Spla-ka-ka.

A box of cereal, Martin? No, thank you, baby. I'm not hungry.

No, no, no, no, baby, it ain't no any box of cereal, Gina.

Come on. I'm taking you on vacation, baby.

I'm taking you to Chilligan's Island!

A-a trip on the back of a box of cereal?

Martin, how good could that be?

Cereal give you good trips, baby.

You just got to buy the cereal.

- Okay? Now, look. - Okay. Let me see it.

Okay? Look at the coupon, okay?

What-what does it say? "Deluxe suite." Right?

We got, uh, uh, uh, uh..

Oh, the finest restaurant, four swimming pools.

Baby, this place gonna be the bomb, baby.

- It's gonna be the bomb.. - You know what, Martin?

Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right.

I mean, look at the sandy beaches and the palm trees.

I mean, it is a cartoon, but it's beautiful.

- Right? - You know what, baby?

- Yeah. - I-I think I'm getting excited.

- Are you getting excited? - Yes.

Let me see you do that. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, you're getting excited.

Well, slow your roll. Slow your roll.

Yeah, 'cause we're gonna need like ten more box tops

before we on our way.

Here's your suite.

What the..

Ow, man!

What? I-I know they ain't playing us like this.

Welcome to Chilligan's Island.

No! No!

No, baby.

But the post sure said..

- It was different. - Yeah.

- Gina, look at this place. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

This cannot be the right room, I'm-I'm sorry.

Is this the champagne suite?

The one and only world's famous.

This ain't no damn champagne suite.

It's the gin and juice room, man.

You know-you know what?

I thought that there was gonna be a Jacuzzi

and a beachfront view.

You must have seen the cereal box ad.

Works every time.

Wait a minute, what-what-what happened to all the stuff

you had in the brochure, huh?

All the stuff you said that was gonna be up in here.

Huh? You know, that's false advertising..

- That's right. - You know that?

No, it's not, my friend.

You've got your minibar right here.

Follow me now. Follow me.

You've got your lovely view and you've got

your International Communications System.

Wait, wait, wait. We didn't come down here for all of that, man.

We came to get our romance on.

Alright? I didn't come down here to kick nobody's ass, did I?

Martin, Martin, Martin, let me handle this. Okay, baby?

Excuse me, sir. Now, when is the next plane off this island?

The next plane is coming in about three days.

No, no. No, no. You know what?

You-you-you're gonna give the money back, bro.

- I don't know if you noticed.. - That's right. That's right.

We want our money back.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I've got some other folks to check in.

You.. Hey! We're getting off this island!

That's right!

We ain't going out like Gilligan and them!

Baby, look at this place! It's nasty!

Aw, baby, come on now.

Let me think now. Let me think.

Okay, shoot, let me think.

Um..

Uh, if-if you really look around

and look at it, we got a bed and stuff.

Gina, the place is really not that bad.

- What? - What's wrong?

- Hey, baby.. - 'Yeah.'

I think there's a puppy in our room.

Oh, Gina, that ain't no damn puppy.

That ain't no damn puppy.

Get him, baby! Aah!

'Get him, baby!'

'Get him! Aah!'

'Get him! Get him out! Get him out!'

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Baby, get him!

Aah! Martin!

Aah!

Baby, did you get him?

Martin! Oh, no! Get him!

Push him back!

'Martin, get him!'

'Close it. Close the door.'

'He's..'

'Get him, baby, please!'

'Get him, Martin!'

Aah!

Get him!

You alright?

You alright?

You okay?

- Baby.. - Did he bite me?

- No, he didn't. - Did he bite me?

Do I got rabies? Do I need a rabies shot?

Please, don't touch me!

Baby..

...did you get him?

Yeah, baby. I think I got him.

He won't be coming back no more tonight, baby.

Martin. Martin, baby..

...you are so brave to save me from the monster.

That's right.

Gina, remember this.

We got to keep this on the DL.

We can't let Tommy or Pam know about this, okay?

- At all. - No.

Okay. Now let's get our romance on.

- Romance? - Romance.

You know

you fighting that monster kind of turned me on.

Well, uh.. Well, you know, I had to do what I had to do.

Aye! I like the way you represented

the way you jumped in and helped me out a li'l bit.

Huh? Guess what?

- Bring it on, baby. - Bring it on?

I brought you something from Hoochie's Secret.

- What? - I want you put it on for me.

Why, you got me some lingerie?

I sure did.

The way I'm feeling right now?

Let me see this.

Damn. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You like that?

Baby, I-I can't fit this.

What you mean you can't fit?

No, it's not going to go in the.. Mm-mm!

It's not supposed to fit, baby.

Not supposed to fit.

You..

You better go over there and slap on some of that..

I-you-you better get down cologne.

You want to get down?

I'll try to get this on.

That's right.

Hey. You know I can't bear this.

That's right. That's right. That's right.

'I'mma put some of the get down on, girl.'

Look, one thing about us, Gina

I'm glad me and you alone.

You hear me? I'm glad me and you alone.

'This way I ain't got to see'

Tommy and Pam smiling, all up in..

You know, all up in our face

slobbing each other down.

Martin, Martin, look at that.

Look at that sexy, handsome couple.

Girl, that thing got me sweating.

Oh, you sweating you know I likes the sweat.

You likes the sweat?

Baby, you don't even have to think

about Tommy and Pam this weekend.

- Go ahead. - We gonna..

That's right. Go ahead, go..

'How dare you?'

'This is supposed to be paradise!'

'Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.'

Wait a minute.

Uh, I-I think the monster got me hearing stuff.

- Did it sound familiar? - Very.

Where is that coming from, Martin?

I heard 'em say something--

'I mean, can you believe this?'

Sound like it's coming from behind the mirror, baby.

No. Wait.

'I demand to have my money back.'

'Are you outta your mind?'

Is that a hole? Is th..

Aw, damn!

Yo, yo, look out.

Ha ha!

Pam?

What the hell are y'all doing here?

What do you mean, what are we doing here?

Y'all followed us here. Man I don't believe you.

You just want to show me up, huh?

You the ladies' man, huh?

Oh, is that it?

First you steal my coupon idea

then you send your bloodhound down here

to track us down.

Ain't that something?

No. No, no, no. Martin, no, man.

You're not fooling nobody, dawg.

Y'all just trying to show us up!

Hey, man, you're not the only one that can show your lady

a good time.

Do you think it's like that?

I say, do you think it's like that?

Baby, am I showing you what you want to see?

- You are all of that. - Thank you

Yeah, well at least I can afford a horse and carriage ride.

Yeah.

Well, it's cheaper for you.

You got your own horse.

- You know what.. - Y'all started it first.

I ain't scared to fight you.

Man, Martin, come on. No, no.

We ain't tryin' to, you know, waste our time with y'all, okay?

Pam and I are going hiking. Come on, baby. Goodbye.

So what? Martin and I are going jet skiing

up Chilligan's falls.

That's right. Hey, baby, what we going to do?

We're going to turn Chilligan's island out.

Out!

Not before us.

Cut them off! Cut them off!

Watch out!

Hey, baby, we're getting on the sailboat!

Don't push me. I'm going.

Shouldn't have even went out there.

That was fun, though, wasn't it?

Wasn't it fun, baby?

Hey, did you see my baby climb that mountain?

No. But we saw he tried.

He tried.

Hey, everybody's not a sure footed

mountain goat like you, Pam. Okay?

Why don't you shut up.

Martin, you just have to out do us, don't you?

You know what?

I'm tired of you running your mouths. Out.

I want y'all out. Haul your asses out of here.

Hey, when we go back home

I don't even want to see you.

- We need our space. - We want our space.

Hey! There-there-there's a puppy behind you, man.

- Oh, lord. - Oh, man!

'That ain't no damn puppy!'

Okay. You okay? That was close.

Aah!

Aah!

Get it! Get it!

Get it! Get it! Get it!

And take that!

You're a good boxer..

Hey, you do a little somethin', somethin' yourself.

It ain't coming back no more.

Get in here.

Aah! Aah!

Poor baby.

Lucky I didn't get a hold of it.

Oh..

- Pam. - What?

Pam, I got to say

no matter how much we fight..

Hey, we got each other's back.

That's what's important.

Man, please. I had to.

That little thing outweighed your little ass.

Thank you anyway.

I know it must be difficult for you

fighting a family member.

See how it starts? Now you started.

- Oh, baby, you know what? - What?

This vacation proves one thing, Gina.

As long as the two of us together

nothing else matters, baby.

You know that, right? I love you, boo.

- I love you, too. - I love you, boo.

And as long as we love each other, Martin

the rest of this trip is gonna be perfect

we don't have to think about nothing.

That's right. I love it when you got your calm on.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I was a little frazzled earlier.

Now, don't worry about that. Don't worry about that.

'Cause, hey, hey, hey, we whipped that rodent's ass.

Oh, don't mention that, baby.

I didn't mean to upset you. That's right.

'Cause, you know, I was hyperventilating.

I know, but it's gone. It's gone, okay?

Alright.

Hey, it ain't coming back no more.

- Alright. Yeah. - We together now.

Hey, we got to finish turning Chilligan's out.

- Ah, baby, you know what? - What?

This bed, though, to be perfectly honest

probably is the safest place

for us to be, you know?

- Aah! - Aah!